In self development July 7, 2020 By Women of Rubies

Nkem Ndem: Keeping Secrets Could Actually Save Your Relationship

Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.

Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.

Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.

However, withholding information that directly affects or concerns the other individual or omitting any information that reveals the core of your identity, thus keeping your partner from having a complete picture of you (flaws and all) definitely constitutes as keeping a secret.

NKEM SAYS: KEEPING SECRETS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.
Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.
Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.
Continue reading on www.Womenofrubies.com link in bio #Womenofrubies #relationship #secret

Some of these secrets are usually linked to unpleasant topics such as money troubles/finances, job situation, fidelity or issues related to past or present mistakes.

Keeping secrets certainly indicates a lack of certain elements including trust, authenticity, and real intimacy.

However, it appears secrets could also help breed these same elements. I recently hung out with some colleagues, and during our discussions, the topic of keeping secrets in a relationship came up.

One of the guys raised a point that early in a relationship, it can be difficult to know just how much to reveal to the other person and so secrets become necessary to protect the growth of that relationship. He confessed that he had recently been introduced to a girl with whom he had been started dating for just about 1 month. He explained that on their last date, she had asked him how he raised the money to start his business. And rather than telling her it was savings he made from the time he was a yahoo boy, he told her he got financial support from his friends and family.
According to him, he was protecting the relationship as it was still at its blueprint stage and he was not yet comfortable disclosing the sins of his past.

Again, he wanted her to get to know him and fall in love with him for who he really is before sharing all that information with her. His submission was that just as no parent tells a child the whole truth, people in relationships should accept the ongoing need to edit their full reality to ensure trust and intimacy are forged. His situation also suggested that until you reach a certain comfort level, whereby you are both in it for the long haul, you are probably better off keeping a few things under wraps.

Sometimes when we meet someone new, we get drawn into the fantasy world where we believe that we have found “the one” and so we do all we can to build a foundation of trust. We forget the fact that relationships, especially nowadays, are volatile at best, and we turn our personal life into an open book, killing our relationships before it even gets the chance to thrive.

Surely, keeping certain dark secrets and revealing them in small doses and at appropriate times in relationships may be in everyone’s best interest. Chances are that you are not even the only one keeping a secret or two. You may be shocked later on, when you find out what your partner is keeping also under wraps.

Do you agree or not?

About Nkem Ndem

Nkem Ndem V. is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for online writing(web content and blog) and editing, screenwriting, ghost writing, copy proofreading and book reviews. With a degree in Mass Communications, Nkem has been working as a freelance writer since 2011 and has collaborated with several organizations including Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Also, she works part-time as an English language tutor to prep candidates for EDEXCEL IGCSE, TOEFL or IELTS. Check out her Instagram page @kem_dem. Also, she tweets with the handle @ndemv and can be contacted via email: nkemndemv@gmail.com.

Source : Bellanaija

In Inspiration July 7, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Esther Ijewere :12 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do

Mentally strong women have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life. Check out these things that mentally strong people don’t do…

1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

2. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change

Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control

You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past

Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

8.They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

Mentally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

9. They Don’t Give Away Their Power

They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure

Mentally strong people don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time

Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything

Mentally strong people don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

In self development July 7, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Wuraola Ademola-Shanu: You Need a Social Media Detox! Yes, You!

If you feel like social media has taken over your life, if it preoccupies your mind, or if you find yourself constantly and habitually reaching for your phone, these might be signs that it’s time for a break.

Technology was meant to serve us. We create things, like social media, to make our lives better so we can have more control over the limited amount of time we have every day. But is social media actually improving our lives? Or have we become slaves to our own creation?

How often do you reach for the phone first thing in the morning and check your Twitter notifications? How often when you’re on vacation are you more concerned about taking the perfect Instagram picture than enjoying yourself? How often are you locked in an internet argument on Facebook? A social media detox gives us a bit of clarity into this.

The amount of mental energy we give our phones, specifically social media, could be put to much better use.

Social media, in its inception, was harmless fun. Now, it has evolved to be part of our daily lives. It’s how we consume most of our information, and it influences everything from elections to public discourse.

But social media is not real life. As much influence, or seeming influence, it has, it’s a curated and selective sample of what’s actually going on in the world.

What Is a Social Media Detox?

A social media detox is a conscious elimination of social media use and consumption for a set period of time. Generally, most social media detoxes are 30 days, but some people do 7 days or even a year-long social media detox.

Why Take a Social Media Detox?

If you’re here or you’ve been thinking about taking some time off of social media, you should probably do it, and that should be reason enough.

How to Do a Proper Social Media Detox

Tell people

The first step to taking a social media detox is to tell people.

Tell people you interact the most with that you’ll be offline for a while. This will do a few things.

First, it will keep you accountable. If you’re back within a few days Tweeting or posting photos, the people you told will hopefully call you out on it. This will help you stick with the detox.

Secondly, it will let people know you haven’t disappeared if you wind up sticking with it. Most people won’t really care, and some may not even notice (don’t take it personally!).

Delete the apps and block the websites

The next step is to delete the social media apps from your mobile devices, especially your phone. This step is required. I can almost guarantee you that you will not succeed if you keep the apps on your phone during the detox, or you try to rationalize to yourself that you’ll only check them once a week.

For this to work, you’ll need to disconnect completely. If that seems too hard (or even impossible), try a shorter detox.

You may also want to install an app or tool on your computer that can block out social media websites for you.

Plan what you will do during your detox

The last step is to plan what you will do during your detox and actually fill your time with the things you plan to do.

You may wind up surprised at how much time you’ll find during the day that you otherwise would have occupied with your social media habit.

If possible, try to replace your social media habit with something that doesn’t involve technology. I suggest this because using your phone or laptop to replace a digital habit isn’t really productive.

Some suggestions include:

Reading
Spending time with friends and family
Learning something new (language, hobby, skill)
Working on a side project or business
Exercising, gym, yoga
Meditating and practising mindfulness

But if you need to replace your digital habit with a more productive digital habit, here are a few suggestions:

Download Kindle on your phone and read books during downtime/boredom instead of looking at social media
Listen to podcasts or audiobooks
Write
Take an online course
You can sneak in some bingeing on Netflix.

Benefits of A Social Media Detox

It breaks the social comparison cycle

For example, if everyone you know is getting married and having babies but you’re still single, you may end up feeling isolated and lonely. This can even lead to serious depression for some people. Break away from this unhealthy cycle by taking a break from social media so that you can reconnect with all of the awesome things in your life.

You’ll stop feeling competitive

Even if you aren’t aware of it, social media brings out your competitive side. Each reaction and comment is a measure of how popular a particular post is, which can make you strive to outdo others and even yourself.

This type of competitiveness is not healthy, and it can cause anxiety and depression. Take a mental health break by stepping away from social media for a while!

It’ll improve your overall mood

The amount of time you spend on these sites is directly related to whether or not you feel stressed out or happy.

In other words, if you’ve been feeling highly anxious, stressed out or depressed, this is a good time to take a social media detox. It may feel weird at first, but your overall mood should begin to improve as you stay away from Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites.

You’ll reconnect with the real world

Sadly, people who spend a lot of time on social media sites report feeling lonely and isolated in real life. They are also more likely to suffer from a weakened immune system.

The good news is that even if you’re an introvert and uncomfortable with a lot of in-person interaction, you can boost your mood by simply going out in public. Take yourself to your favourite park or restaurant if you prefer to be alone. You could even go to a movie or concert.

You’ll stop obsessing over your past

Leaving social media behind for a while can give you the space you need to stop obsessing and actually move on with your life. Make sure that when you do return to social media that you take the extra step of blocking exes or anyone else who it pains you to see online. You can also tweak your Facebook memories to remove certain items so that you stop being reminded of them.

The first step to a successful social media detox is merely trying it. Even if you’re hesitant or unsure if you can do it, try it for a weekend. See how you feel after 2 or 3 consecutive days of being off of social media.

Like how you feel? Try a week and slowly progress to a full month.

About Wuraola

Wuraola Ademola-Shanu is a copywriter, content creator and content strategist who help professionals, consultants and business owners align their stories with their ideal clients, refine their sales funnels and expand their online reputations. She is also a proofreader. You can connect with her via her IG page @thecopywritingchic

Content source: Bellanaija

In Inspiration July 6, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Olabisi Animashaun: A Girl’s Dream Guy Checklist

This is for the ladies! I may not be qualified to talk about relationships since I’ve never been married, neither have I been into many relationships to write extensively about this, but I would like to share my brief knowledge from my experience and hope you find it helpful.

I know every girl has a “checklist” for her dream guy. The “these-are-what-I-want-to-see-in-my-guy” list. I’m sure you are wondering how I know this. Well, that’s because I used to have one too.

A few years back, I was sitting with my friends, discussing random things, and the topic we ladies tend to discuss a lot came up. Yeah, you know that topic; who we would love to spend the rest of our lives with; our dream guy and the qualities he must possess. I recall one of my friends saying her dream guy must be tall, dark, handsome, have biceps to die for, and a lovely accent. Another had said her own dream guy should not be too tall because she isn’t really a tall person, he must have a nice set of teeth, a lovely smile, keeps a low cut, and have sexy dimple! Imagine the sight! He must also listen to everything she says, does everything she asks, must not get angry or argue with her. Hmm… he must really be a dummy.

A year before then, before I knew better, my checklist for my dream guy had been; the guy must be charming, have an amazing fashion sense, dimples to die for, keeps his hair or better still rock a dread, treats me like I’m priceless, takes me on trips, must be fun-loving etc. Please, do not get me wrong. Do note that all these are not bad. A girl deserves these things. She should at least dream. You know, have a set standard and all. She deserves to be treated like the Queen she is. But, she need to also know that it goes way beyond that. It’s way more than just the physical. Maybe at first sight, well yeah! Those are important. They may be what attracts you to your partner at first; but what happens later?

A year before then, I was thinking exactly like my friends. Our checklist for our dream guys does not include the most important qualities like; being a believer, loves and respects God, respects his elders, respects me, be caring, hardworking and purposeful, humble etc. Do our visions align? Do we have spiritual synergy? Do we share similar beliefs? We had only focused on the physical attributes which would only last for a while; the things that do not really matter. We have forgotten that such a man is dangerous if he doesn’t have a relationship with his Creator. We had only based our lists on the looks.

A man with a nice smile, sexy accent, wealthy, dangerously handsome, and all other qualities sounds fictive. Oh, we’ve seen too many fairytale movies. I would give that to Kdramas most of us were addicted to (I still watch sometimes though). Even if there is such a person, he would turn out to be a cheat. Humans have the tendency of being unfaithful especially when they do not have a relationship with God. Most humans still are unfaithful to God, so who are humans not to be cheated on?

Many of you may not agree with my point of view, but, I know for sure that having a checklist and sticking by it is a limitation. A checklist may be a guide initially, at least to point you towards your taste, but insisting on sticking by it limits you from seeing the possibility of that fantastic guy that is just around the corner which God has specially created for you. In fact, you may be seeing him every day at your workplace or school but you just have never thought of the possibility of you guys being together; why? Because your mind is fixed on the qualities your dream guy must possess.

Most women of marriageable age are still single, and others are in wrong relationships and marriages because they’ve spent their time looking for their special guy, not God’s choice for them. Others just jump into any proposal because of the fear of being ridiculed, being called bewitched due to their ages. Their God-given man had thought he could not stand a chance with their checklist and had gone for a lady on his own level.

I also think that a good relationship shouldn’t involve people of the same qualities. That relationship would be too dry. The world would be a boring place if people were the same. I know we all want exciting relationships and the better way of having that is marrying someone who is different from you, you have different likes, hobbies, and all. That way, you would be able to help each other and also try out new things. See another side of life. Imagine eating the same kind of food every day of your life, isn’t that boring? Imagine a life where he doesn’t have to disagree with your opinion even when you bring up a foolish one, he readily agrees with everything you suggest. Babe, that guy has no sense of his own. He only follows you foolishly, he’ll end up being your slave to your whims and thoughts, and you won’t get better ideas either. The little differences you have would make your relationship fun. His flaws should amuse you and there should be a quality of his that is annoying yet, attractive. Like what you both talk and laugh about, not what you laugh at. He shouldn’t be your stereotype. He should be his own person, unique.

In case you’re wondering about my own checklist, I gave up on it. I gave my life to Christ and then I realized He is so concerned about all that concerns me, even my relationship. I gave my checklist to Him and told him I would accept whoever He gives to me. The best and perfect gifts come from God. Do you want to have a good relationship? Have a relationship with God first, then you have that guy already!

Written by: Idris – Animashaun Olabisi

Handles:

@that_wildflower on Twitter, Instagram and Medium

Olabisi Oluwaferanmi Animashaun on Facebook

In Inspiration July 6, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Adaora Okekeocha: It’s Time To Release Your Chain.

I wrote this book to let women know that they don’t know have to live in misery, the constant fear of not knowing when next he will lose his temper and beat them again, living in a state of unhappiness, sadness, and being emotionally drained just because they want a man. The truth is it takes two people to make a relationship work and if you’re will a partner whose not carrying his weight, it might be time for you to let go off dead weight and move on with your life so that you can attract real love and the man that God has for you.

I agree that no one is perfect but your partner’s flaws should be manageable like leaving his socks on the floor or not taking his plate to the sink after eating, it should not be anything like the follows: physical abuse e.g. getting angry and putting his hands on you, verbal abuse e.g. Calling you out of your name, like Bitch, goat, you’re stupid, you’re crazy, etc. or emotional abuse e.g. cheating on you with someone (another woman) (weather emotional cheating or physical cheating) or with something (watching dirty movies like pornography) These vices should be deal-breakers for you because you could lose your life from these forms of abuse.

Physical abuse is very dangerous as you can lose your life at any moment and with this form of abuse, the man would have tried you several times and if you failed to check him, he thinks it’s okay to push it to the next level. I will tell you what I mean before a man gets to the point of putting his hands on a woman, he would first of all start by raising his voice at her during an argument and if she doesn’t politely but firmly tells him, I don’t want you raising your voice at me during a disagreement and if you continue to do that, I would have to end the relationship, if he listens and changes, you continue the relationship, but if he doesn’t and even tries to put his hands on you for speaking up then you know that you have to love yourself enough to leave that relationship. In these relationship waters today, women have to develop a backbone to stand up for themselves or you will end up a casualty.

Emotional abuse is more of a slow but silent killer after you discover infidelity, it breaks you down and if you keep forgiving him and taking him back, you keep breaking yourself down and soon your organs will not be able to function as it should because of the toxicity of the relationship. I know a true story of a woman who kept taking her husband back after cheating on her and sleeping with multiple women and impregnating two of those women but she claimed that she stood on 1Cor 13 vs 4-6, Love is patient and kind and it covers a multitude of sin but I do not agree that this should be used in the context of an abusive relationship because a man who repeatedly cheats on you is not in love with you in the true sense of the word love. She was recently diagnosed with Cancer and immediately I felt in my heart that all those years of taking this man back have led to this. You have to be able to love yourself to leave a relationship that is toxic and abusive because if you lose your life, that man with move on to another woman and not eve act like you ever existed. Stop taking an abuser back, leave that relationship so that you can attract real love and the man that God has for you.

When going into a relationship, you have to know who you are and have your standards meaning what are your deal-breakers. The reason is a man can fake for a long time and you meat his representative and after one year or two years of marriage, when he is more relaxed, the mask comes off and you see the real him. Another reason why you must have your standards and be ready to leave once those standards are broken is that you do not know who raised him, the truth is some men just grew but were never raised, their mother never held them accountable for telling lies, coming home late, having two to three girlfriends simultaneously and so they grew up thinking they could get away with lying and cheating on women and playing with their hearts as if it’s their doormat.

If you’re in a toxic and abusive relationship, you need to evaluate that relationship right now so you don’t become the next casualty, you must tell yourself the truth; this is not God’s best for you. Somewhere in the bible, it says, “The blessings of God makes rich and adds no sorrow” if the relationship that you’re in brings you sorrow, sadness, uncertainty please understand that the relationship was not orchestrated by God and you have to find the courage and self-love to boldly walk away so that you can stop blocking your blessings so that you can attract real and authentic love and meet the person that God has for you.

Blessings

Adaora Okekeocha

Author & Relationship Coach.

In Career Gems July 6, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Aishatu Ene: Step By Step Guide To reporting Rape Cases In Nigeria

There is a lot of information on the cyber space on rape and the legal impediments of rape; some right some wrong. This article aims to separate the facts from fiction and also to provide some guide for rape survivors if they intend to pursue a criminal case against alleged rapists.

In a nutshell, rape is non-consensual sexual intercourse. When a man has sex with a woman without her consent (in Nigeria – apart from in the FCT Abuja, only women are capable of being raped). When a woman has non-consensual sex with a man it is termed sexual assault. Sexual assault is similar to rape, but is not rape. ( Lawpadi 2018) ( this has been expanded to all states where VAAP has been signed)

1. Myth One: Age of consent in Nigeria is 11; This information is false; the Child’s Rights Act of 2003 sets the age of consent at 18; however the challenge here is some states domesticated the law and reduced age of consent in their states while 11 states are yet to domesticate the Childs Rights Act. (Domestication of a law means when a law is passed by the Nigerian National Assembly and signed by the President, states also have to pass the law and the state governors also sign hence making that law applicable in those states). Advocacy should be focused on getting the remaining 11 states on board.

2. Myth 2: Since 1960 there has been only 18 Rape Convictions in Nigeria; This information is also false. Though I am unable to get a current figure the number of convictions is no where around 18. Even though this figure is still low, the challenges of getting convictions have mostly been from under reporting by victims and family members who believe the court and legal system may not give them justice. In some cases families have received compensation from the alleged rapists and refused to pursue cases further, in other cases lack of diligent prosecution , also poor training of police officers who receive reports of rape cases have discouraged victims from pursuing cases further. It is in response to this that some states have established helplines for sexual and domestic assault and some NGOs have worked to help victims get justice.

Myth 3: Rape Laws are Lax: While laws could be better in some areas eg; marital rape and redefining rape to mean sex without consent for both genders; the current laws are quite harsh on offenders. The VAAP law now has addressed some of these concerns.

There are 4 laws that deal with rape around Nigeria; The Criminal Code – this is applicable in all the Southern States
A. The Penal Code – this is applicable in all the Northern States
B. The Criminal Laws of Lagos – this is applicable only in Lagos State
C. The Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act – this has been domesticated by over 16 states currently
D. The Child Rights Act – this is only applicable in the States which have domesticated it ( Law Padi 2018).

These are the stipulated punishments for sexual crimes in Nigeria;
i. Assault with intent to commit unnatural offence (against the order of nature) is punishable with 14 years imprisonment
ii. Indecent assault on males is punishable by 3 years imprisonment
iii. Rape is punishable by life imprisonment, with or without caning.
iv. Attempt to commit rape is punishable with 14 years imprisonment
v. Indecent assault on females is punishable with 2 years imprisonment
vi. Abduction is punishable with 7 years imprisonment
vii. Abduction of girls under sixteen is punishable with two years imprisonment
Please note that ignorance of the age of the girls or as regards consent will not ground a defence. ( Wale Joseph November 2015; My Job Mag )

Step By Step Guide to reporting Rape Cases in Nigeria:In the sad event of a rape; Rape Survivors may find these steps helpful:

1. Do not take a bath
2. Call for help and guidance: emergency response numbers nationwide is 112; in Abuja include; 112, 08078111126), Lagos : 112, 08137960048 E-mail : info@dsvrtlagos.org.
Kaduna: 09064528082. Enugu; 08060084441

3. Make a report at the Police Station; A report of the incident is very important to get the case started, it is very important to remember and report every detail as this will help get the offender. If the victim is calm enough it may help to write out details before going to the station. If the police response is not satisfactory kindly report to 08057000001 police complaint line. The IGP has recently pushed for establishment of gender desks in all Police Stations, a victim or family members should request for the gender desk or officer at a station.

4. Get Medical help and a medical report; Family or friends can rush the victim to the hospital while making a police report. It is important to go to the hospital so the victim can receive immediate medical attention to prevent infections and pregnancy and for medical evidence of a rape which is needed for a strong prosecution case. Also some hospitals have social workers who will offer immediate counseling for victims. A government hospital is preferable for prosecution purposes even though the Court of Appeal has ruled that reports from Private Hospitals are now admissible.

5. Speak with a Lawyer: It is very important to speak with a good lawyer to guide you through the process of getting justice; some NGOs offer this service. A good lawyer will ensure that there is diligent prosecution and guide against public statements that may compromise the case.

6. Speak to a trained counselor; Some NGOs offer post trauma counseling services; it is very important for a survivor to get counseling as rape is a highly traumatic occurrence. While a victim may look and act fine they may suffer Post Trauma in different forms which only a trained counselor can spot and guide through.

7. Use of Social Media: In some rape and sexual assault case social media has been instrumental in getting justice especially when the police is lax in investigations, also funding is important in pursing rape cases, medical examination; in cases where the alleged rapist has fled to another town funds may be needed to facilitate an arrest unfortunately the police will say they are not adequately funded to carry out inter- state arrests ; Social media can help with such funds and also act as pressure to ensure diligent investigation and prosecution; however not all details should be put on social media as some details could alert the suspect, and compromise the case hence the need to have some guidance from a lawyer.

Supportive Roles for Rape Survivors

:1. Family: Family should offer support and not judgment; in cases of minors parents should not disregard reports, tale signs in their children. It is also important to consider the victims health in all decisions and stop the practice of receiving compensation to kill cases. Victims must receive immediate medical attention and family must ensure this is done

2. Police: The Police must be trained to understand rape as a serious issue and take the right and honest steps to investigate cases. Better funding for investigation of cases will remove the burden from the victim who may be discouraged by the expenses in pursuing a case. Gender desks at some police stations is commendable; regular training and refresher courses on new laws is required. Also gender desks should be set up in all police stations so victims can recieve adequate assistance from the police to encourage follow up with prosecution.

3. State Prosecution: Work with the police to ensure diligent prosecution of rape cases. Open communication lines with victims and families. Ensuring that the burden of funding doesn’t lie with the victim and their families.

4. NGOs: Help provide/ source funding for prosecution, work with police and prosecution to ensure victim is well represented, act as a pressure group , provide support and counseling for victims, advocate for domestication of progressive laws on sexual violence, child’s rights act, VAAP law and the sexual offences bill. Also advocate to state Governments to set up response hotlines to domestic and sexual abuse.

5. Social Media: BE RESPONSIBLE IN REPORTING RAPE CASES; Responsible reportage by bloggers and social media users is important to ensure prosecution and for the victims recovery. Using the victims pictures, sharing pictures or videos of the rape if available are not helpful; sharing videos and pictures of a rape of a minor can be regarded as distribution of child porn which is a crime. Sharing pictures of a minor without blurring the face who has been abused is also unethical. While we are all passionate about ending rape and punishing offenders, it is responsible to remember as hard as it may be that the alleged rapist under the law until proven guilty still has a presumption of innocence.

6. Sexual Offenders register: States that have domesticated the VAAP law also operate a sexual offenders register where convicted rapist and sexual offenders are published. NAPTIP as a national body also operates a national sex offenders register.

Most importantly; DO NOT SHAME THE VICTIM, RAPE IS A CRIME, THE VICTIM SHARES NO BLAME IN RAPE.

Goodnews: Akwa Ibom has signed the VAAP law so they are no longer on this map

In self development June 27, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Everything You Need To Know About The Murder of Olamide Alli

On June 22nd Nigerians woke up to the news of the gruesome murder of Girl Child advocate and social entrepreneur Olamide Alli, who was killed by the father of her kids.

Olamide up until her death was very passionate about issues affecting the girl child, and used her Pearl Academy Platform to create awareness and advocate for them. A shining star who wanted to change the world.

The initial news that was sold to the media as motive behind her murder was Infidelity, and questions surrounding the paternity of her second child. It was later discovered that the news was an attempt to throw in the victim card for the deceased husband who also killed himself after murdering his wife-to-be.

A Facebook user who claimed to be an Insider shared her side of the story below;

To set the records straight, the Late Olamide didn’t have a child outside her relationship, the so called Femi who his real name is Chris Ndukwe, a serial killer that kills his lovers escaped from Phc where he tried to kill his ex who he threw down a two storey building some years back but fortunately the babe survived and has been relocated to Canada by her family. He happened to lie to Olamide she met him and fell in love in her second year, had a child for him then when she finished school a second one came.

Her parents are like you guys are in love why not tie the knot and wedding was fixed for next month. Olamide lives with her parents. The so called Femi asked her to come and visit with the kids. Olamide went with her nanny not her sister like the blogs reported. On Sunday he sent his security man around 10 to get him tape which the guy did. In the evening he asked Olamide to come join him in the room, he was almost drowning a bottle of Hennessy XO, he put on music very loud and tied her to the chair and taped her mouth, used a plier to remove her braids one after the other, then he plucked her eyes, stabbed her 11 times before she died, he then drank two bottles of sniper and killed himself.

The knife he used, found at the crime scene

The nanny came knocking on the door and no response she went to call on their neighbor who called the estate security they came in and called no response they called the Mobile police in the estate to come they broke the door and saw the horrible sight.

Now this so called Femi moved into that house 3weeks ago as he was planning to settle down with her. To set the records straight a paternity test is being carried out by her parents. Because the said kids all look like their dad but her parents want to set the records straight. Femi’s family have been alerted and they are on their way from Enugu today. I wonder why blogs won’t verify news before they publish. This gist is first hand from Olamide’s family.

May her gentle sweet soul rest in perfect peace. So this guy is mentally sick and this is not the first time he has attempted to kill his lover. He isn’t alive to testify, that’s quite unfortunate. This guy is a serial killer, we need to be alert now the days are evil. A lot of danger lies ahead for so many, so many people are bipolar and mentally sick. Always investigate people before delving into a relationship, times have changed seriously now. Let’s all trade cautiously.Shalom.
Adaeze ©” .

Social Entrepreneur Ife Durosinmi Etti ,who was also close to Olamide while she was alive, have set up a Trust fund that will be monitored by First Bank Trust Fund, to raise funds for the 2 kids the couple left behind.

Rubies Ink Initiative for Women and Children, and it’s projects @womenofrubies and @walkagainstrape will also be donating to the trust fund, and we hope you do same too.

Here is the donation link; https://dashboard.flutterwave.com/donate/se8ahuslz2yn

In Editor's Choice June 24, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

“I Created The HERfessions App for Women Who Want To Flee Abusive Relationships- Osasumwen Edobor

One of the many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is due to lack of information on where they can go, where to report, and how to leave without “Poking the bear”. The pandemic has in no little way birth an epidemic of incessant cases of Rape and Domestic Violence. A situation that is fast becoming the order of the day, with different hashtag trends to help bring it to the fore.

Osasu Edobor is one of the women on the frontlines advocating for victims of Domestic Violence, and using her voice and resources where it matters.

Osasu is a social development expert with over twelve years’ experience as a gender advocate infusing new media and technology to propagate gender inclusion. She is the Curator of HERFESSIONS mobile app, an anonymous online platform for survivors of sexual violence to access resources, group support, information and ultimately a community to work-out the journey to recovery.

She holds a Master’s degree in Managerial Psychology from the University of Lagos, a 2016 African American Institute Scholar with a certificate in Social Sector Management from the Enterprise Development Centre of the Pan Atlantic University, Lagos, and also a 2018 Mandela Washington Fellow with a certificate in Civic Leadership from Rutgers University, the state of New Jersey, USA.

She previously worked as the Programme Director of the Bimbo Odukoya Foundation where she facilitated the provision of GBV intervention schemes such as a temporary safe house for survivors of Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse, and gender responsive programming for young people. Prior to full switch into the development space, she worked in Media and Advertising producing family content and branding, whilst volunteering with numerous non-profit organization.She is versatile, exploring the boundaries of social development via her organization. She shares her Inspiring journey and recent feat with Esther Ijewere in this exclusive Interview.

Childhood Preparation

I grew up in a family of 5 girls and an only brother, my father despite wanting a boy or two didn’t spare us. We did everything a man would do around the house, it did not help that he was an Engineer, so we lived by the rule Maintenance culture. This however was a huge contrast to what we saw in extended family. It toughened me, to see family members, being victimized. The high point of growing up was watching my mother turn her biology lectures to sexual reproductive health conversations and continually counselling girls my age and building self esteem in as many as sought her help in our neighbourhood.

Inspiration behind HERfessions

I had run a shelter for domestic violence and sexual violence survivors and for the women it was a great concern that we couldn’t maintain therapy for them, as it became next to impossible to get them to come back physically. We thought that by providing an online platform of engagement, It minimized the physical movement, helped to build a community for much needed support

The Journey so far

It has been rewarding, fulfilling and hectic all wrapped in one. Whilst one delights in the increased awareness, and heightened knowledge of self worth in Women, the lags of poor enforcement of law makes seeking Justice the path of a rabble rouser, which is a cape I wear proudly.

Working in different sectors across board, and pitching my tent in the GBV sector

Indeed, with my career start in Media, I saw that the Women were portrayed continually as objects of enjoyment instead of human beings capable of great things. Pivotal to my switch was a volunteer training I involved myself with in the Makoko axis of Lagos, despite it been an empowerment initiative, I found I engaged with quiet a number of battered women, who were helpless and lacking in knowledge of how to pursue Justice.

That spurred me to build a career in Non profit management with a huge focus on Gender based Violence, despite having held jobs that spoke to Civic Education, Sexual Reproductive Rights, Education, Health to name a few.

Being a fellow of different development organisations

As an avid knowledge seeker, two fellowships stand out for me. At the Enterprise Development Center, Of the Lagos Business School, were I partook of The Social Sector Management, and most recently as 2018 Mandela Washington Fellowship, a exchange program facilitated by the US Government for young exceptional African leaders. These fellowships opened a network of people, resources and allies, whilst also ensuring I garnered skill that were best practice.

HERfessions helping to nab an abusive man

Indeed it was a great achievement for us as an organisation. The perpetrator in a brazen act had beat up his spouse and posted on a social media bragging about the ability of the police to effect an arrest against him. been the tool that social media is it received a lot of attention, as well as the speedy intervention of the state. He was charged to court and the legal process of ensure the safety of the survivors is still underway.

Nigerians knowledge of the GBV Sector

We have a long way to go in first domesticating the laws that will protect women and girls across the country, and a longer road to change the narrative and culture of impunity towards women. Whilst some states have done extensive work, there is need to ensure the advocacy done is implemented through laws institutionalization and enforcement. As a Country, we need to begin to engage all facets of endeavor to change the narrative attached with to rape, domestic violence or sexual violence in general. Sexual Violence is perpetuated in any environment where there is power. We must ensure we have systems that can check power, be it at the office, church, mosque, market, home, school, or community. We must engage the media (with special reference to Africa Magic) to tell better stories, tell corrective stories that can shape a culture of zero tolerance to Gender Based Violence.

Why I created the HERfessions App

The HERfessions mobile app is a great resource for women and girls available on playstore. It is an anonymous platform to receive support and find help to deal with all forms of sexual violence, available on playstore now.

– Also in commemoration of the June 19th (elimination of sexual violence in conflict) and the recent epidemic of several rape killings on your girls, we have through out Cast project launch a series to address men with the hashtag #menchangingthenarrative series.

Challenges as an Advocate

People’s general assumptions of you been a rabble-rouser , particularly as a young woman, one continual contends with people who do not value the work been done. the greatest really is the ingrained culture in women who do not believe when issues escalate, the governments help can be sort via the Police. Asides this, the grave challenges of systemic failure in pursuing justice, is a sad tale every advocate can attest to. Finally, justice comes at a great cost. We need structures that make leave abusive situations easy. structures like Shelters, Half-way homes, Cost of therapy, and legal fees, Whilst Advocates continually gives this services at no cost to the Survivors, there are huge cost, that most offset, for justice( and healing) to be served. It is my earnest appeal that individuals begin to make it a part of their life style to support a charity with Donations or volunteer their time or skill for social good. I must reiterate it is rewarding work.

Being a mental health advocate, counselor, Convener of an inspiring platform and managing it all

Contrary to what people say, you can’t have it all. I didn’t start on this journey today, it’s been over a decade of building my work, harnessing low hanging fruits, and just doing work that I love. I can be described as a multi-potentialite, which comes with it nuances of creativity outburst and continual personal critiquing. I live by two personal philosophies – To thyself be true and live one day at a time. I am not under any pressure to impress or shine, I do what i set out to do and I pace myself always.

What I have found works is – do you genuinely, peace always follows. I am not in competition with anyone.

Other projects and activities

The Intersection of my work is Gender based violence, with a great link to mental health because there is a great need for . We however use the medium of technology and new media to deliver our messages. With the HERfessions App, it was us anticipating difficulty in movement of survivors due to varying reasons (which was foresight considering the COVID-19 pandemic). Our services also include engaging survivors physically through the TEHILA series, a replica of the conversations on the mobile app.Via new media, we use our social media platforms to push narratives that empower the woman via our storytelling mediums. It is our belief that to change the culture of silence, we must subliminal affect the minds of our community via its music, movies, and entertainment. This gave rise to our CAST project- a commissioned theatrical performance we use to teach and educate in public domain such as markets, Malls, and gatherings.

Being a Woman of Rubies

Primarily I am passionate and dogged in my belief that women can be better and treated better. Women must believe in themselves enough to thrive and collaborate

Vital nuggets for the Girl child during the Pandemic

The conversations have always been screwed to what girls should do, whilst that is both responsible and one-sided, I would add that girls need to invest in protective skills and gadgets. Learn how to defend yourself, own a pepper spray. In addition I would like to address the men folk and say ; NO is a full sentence. Self-control is achievable.

To women afraid to walk away from abusive relationships

Walk away, you will find help. I found that for advocacy to work, we must continually repeat one message. You are worth of love, Let yourself Live, so Leave.

Women who Inspire me to be better

Michelle Obama

Prof. Dora Akunyili

Leymah Gbowee

Kindly download the App Here HERfessions App

In self development July 7, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Esther Ijewere:15 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Two days ago Girl child advocate Olamide Alli was gruesomely murdered by the father of her kids, he plucked out her eyes, took out her braids with pliers and stabbed her 11 times, then killed himself afterwards.

The relationship which was started when she was 17 years old was described as toxic and controlling by many who knew the couple when they were alive.

Many women have been programmed to endure abusive relationships, an age long tradition of keeping face and suffering and smiling that make many women redundant or send them to their early grave.

However, Domestic Violence is a two way traffic, as men also suffer violence in relationships, but ego and societal perception of being seen as weak make them endure.

Three years ago there was a popular case of a lawyer who stabbed her husband thrice in the back and several times on his private part. Some tagged it a crime of passion while some women came to her defense , but I won’t support such irresponsible act, just because the culprit has the “W” tag. No justification for violence of any kind!!!!

Man or Woman no one deserves to die in such a way.

We nee to continue advocating for the rule of “Walking Away”, and stop telling people to manage abusive relationships, you are saving them from being killed or stopping them from killing out of psychological torture.

Abusive relationships are unfortunately very common. They come in forms of physical abuse and emotional abuse, in which both are equally as devastating.

Most are just pushed under the rug, in hopes their partners will change, out of fear of their partner, thinking it is just a momentary reaction or thinking it is completely normal. Abusive relationships are definitely unhealthy, and should not be continued. An abusive partner normally will never change, no matter how much they claim they are going to.

Here are signs you are in an abusive relationship and why you need to walk away ;

Being treated as a property or sexual object

2.Others see the abuser as a very nice person and the abuser acts very pleasant and loving between acts of violence

Denying the seriousness of the violence and /or blaming it on circumstances like stress, anger, partners behaviour, drugs, alcohol or other reasons

4. Constant jealousy , calls and/or surprise visits.

5. Controlling and/or treating you like a child such as interrogating intensely, tracking location, having to ask permission to go places or try new things, keeping all the money, and asking for receipts and proof of what you’ve been up to

6. Unrealistic expectations of perfect behavior and treatment

7. Isolation from family, friends, cars, phones, jobs, and/or the public

8. Name calling, degrading, and/or humiliating

Manipulating your emotions and making you feel like you’re the problem

10. Easily insulted, angered, or saddened

11. Feeling fear, nervous, unsafe, trapped, or hopeless

12. Forceful sex

13. Blaming others for mistakes

Arguing constantly and quickly.

Feel free to add other signs you know, remember nothing is worth losing your life/or going to jail for.

Walking away cost you nothing , just tell your legs to receive common sense before your hands get you in trouble.

“Esther is an activist, Writer, Columnist, Author and editor-in-chief & founder -Women of Rubies. She is passionate about issues that affect women and children.

Facebook: Esther Ijewere

Twitter & IG : @Estherijewere

LinkedIn: Esther Ijewere

Email: admin@womenofrubies.com

In Interviews&profile June 23, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

“I Was Sexually Abused By My Uncle From Age 7”- Dr. Timi Oyebode, Therapist

Dr. Timi Oyebode is the Founder/ Head Counselor at Attitude Development International, an Organization focused on promoting Professional Counseling & Counseling Education in Africa. She is the provost ADI Counselling School Lagos. Timi is a Seasoned, Passionate and Certified Professional COUNSELOR with over sixteen (16) years’ experience working with individuals, couples, and families.

Her focus is on Emotional Wellness, Self-Discovery, Trauma, Abuse, Addiction and Sex Recovery Therapy which had made her connect with various persons at different levels of need. She runs a Yearly Retreat for Couples, Emotional Empowerment Sessions for women, Mentorship Forums, Counseling Outreaches to Prisons, IDP/Refugee, rehab Camps and a vibrant Counseling Clinic.

Dr Timi Oyebode has a Ph.D., M.A. and PGDE in Counselling. She holds a Master Practitioner Certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and Trauma Recovery Therapy

She is a chartered Mediator & Conciliator with Institute of Charter Mediators &Conciliators (ICMN), member of International Association of Counselling(IAC), Member Counselling Association of Nigeria (CASSON), Member Association of Christian Counselors in Nigeria and President, African Network of

Professional Counselors. She is passionate about mental health, people having access to Professional Therapy work and also helping Counselors and Psychotherapists particularly in Africa to get a good grip on their practice.

She is a speaker at International and national conferences, trainings, meetings, TV & radio on Trauma and recovery. She shares her Inspiring journey in this interview.

Childhood Preparation

Yes there are so many things in my childhood that prepared me for what I do now including being a victim of trauma and child sexual abuse. Today as a survivor, I just want to see others live life free and fulfilled. I am the eldest of 3 and only girl of my parents, grew up in Ibadan Oyo State and had all the security of an ideal family until tragedy struck first with sexual abuse and then the death of my father when I was 9 years old. Actually the earliest memory of my sexual abuse was at age 7 with one of my uncles, this continued even after my dad’s death to include rape, abuse and sexual violation from other relatives and spiritual leaders as well.

I was traumatized, depressed and suicidal… although my immediate family members weren’t aware of many of my struggles as a young girl with low self esteem, battered mindset and oppressive nightmares. At some point, I started struggling with sexual choices like porn, masturbation, homosexuality etc. I knew I needed help but was lost on where and how to get it.

In October 2000, I had an encounter and my journey to healing, restoration & recovery began. In 2003, I was in for my first trial at therapy and I knew I needed to make this happen for some other hurting souls. Emotional wellness and healing is our rights. So after my first degree in English language, I went for a 2nd degree and PhD in Counselling.

Inspiration behind ADI Nigeria

After working with Real Woman Foundation (Pst.Nike Adeyemi) for over 7 years as Head Counselor, I knew that there is a huge gap to the availability of professional mental/ emotional helpers and counselors, in Nigeria. Hence, the burden was laid on my heart to fill that void.

ADI was birth to aid the availability and promotions of therapeutic help, professional counseling and counseling education in Nigeria and Africa at large.

To enable those who desire to acquire training in the help professing but have little or no access to the western world where this is readily available.

The hope of bringing therapeutic help (as a means to deal with emotional and mental problems) closer to Africans was the paramount inspiration.

Being an Emotional wellness, trauma and self- discovery expert, with 16 years experience

Though it had been quite a huge task to make our people accept and appreciate professional counseling, I can still say boldly, the journey had been engaging and fulfilling. The ability to stand in the gap for many, bring healing, hope and restoration to victims (families, couples, individuals) of trauma, abuse and addiction had indeed been worthwhile.

Also having to see and hear the testimonies of many trained and professional counselors from ADI who are being able to confidently meet the emotional and mental needs of people in their communities while fulfilling their own dreams and desire is incomparable. Counting the number of clients including victims of Depression, Trauma, Divorce, Suicidal Tendency, Anger, Addiction, Anxiety etc, who daily comes into our counseling centre and leaves with smiles on their faces, makes the journey indeed worthwhile.

Being a member of several organisations, the roles I play and how has it impacted me positively

I am a registered member of various counseling bodies both home and abroad; including Counseling Association of Nigeria (CASSON), Association of Christian Counselors in Nigeria(ACCNIG), Christian Counselling Educational Foundation(CCEF), International Association of Counselling (IAC), Institute of Chartered Mediators & Conciliators(ICMC) and African Network of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO). I am involved in all the associations, volunteering and actively serving in varying capacities.

I am the present President of Africa Network of Professional Counsellors, an organization focus on empowering counselors and psychotherapists across Africa, or working with Africans. Our primary goal is to be a rallying point and voice of reasoning/ professionalism for Psychotherapists & Counsellors across Africa

Why oppressed and damaged people sometimes do same to others

There are so many damaged, wounded or traumatized people in our world. Trauma means ‘wound’ – an inner/emotional wounds that plaques an individual, often due to an earlier or childhood abuse, oppression or damages and while there are various symptoms exhibited by victims of trauma, Dr. Cranes gave us about 9 responses or reactions associated with victims, amongst which is Trauma pleasuring.

Trauma pleasuring- a response which shows a victim of trauma taking pleasure in the pain caused to them and even seeing the pain in others gives them pleasure or momentary ease from their own pain. Hence it seems as if the initial victim is enjoying the pain or enjoys seeing others go through the same pain he/she went through. This is also known as sadistic personality disorder (SPD) in which, an individual display cruel behavior and enjoys inflicting pain on other. In other words, the suffering of others gives pleasure and observing that suffering feels good.

It is a form of mental illness often traceable to childhood trauma and those who exhibit this character are better perceived as ‘unwell’ rather than ‘wicked’ and should be encouraged to seek trauma therapy to aid their recovery.

Wellness nuggets for women who don’t know when to take a break and detox.

Keeping our emotional well-being balanced is no easy task… especially for women. Pressures and life demands can sometimes make it all hard to figure out. However, being able to manage your emotions and have healthy relationships with others is vital to your emotional wellness.

To every woman out there, struggling to keep it all together. Here are my advice

Know yourself. Know your thoughts and be able to identify your emotions and feelings. Take time to identify your triggers and know when to take a break. Get to know your emotional-self better, a visit to a counselor or use of self-help personality/temperament assessment online and even journaling of daily thoughts can help you.

Be positive. While we all get in a bad mood once in a while and there is nothing abnormal about that, constantly maintaining a negative attitude will only eat away at your internal happiness. If you keep this mind-frame long enough, nothing will ever seem like a good situation when you only focus on the bad. Noticing how often you think or say negative things is the first step towards having a positive attitude. Then, work on limiting the amount of negative thoughts and speech you use every day. If you need help with this, try keeping a journal or asking a friend or family member to point out when you are being a “Negative Nacy”.

Ask for Help. If you are suffering from emotional distress, it’s okay to ask for help. There are no prizes handed out for who can bury their emotions the most. It doesn’t make you stoic or strong to keep the emotional turmoil all to yourself. Talking to someone you trust can be enough to ease the negative emotions brought on by a bad day. If more help is needed, seeking the advice of a mental health professional doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to to take care of your mental health. And if you aren’t sure of where to find them, contact us at ADI Counselling.

Keeping Boundaries. Establishing boundaries with people in your life will contribute to your mental well-being. While it’s best to be nice to others in your life, there will be times when they cross the line and it’s up to you to tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you. For example, it doesn’t make you a bad person to tell your neighbors that they should give you a call or a text instead of coming over unannounced. Advocating for yourself and your emotional needs will keep you from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s expectations and behaviors.

Self-Acceptance. Sometimes the expectations you set for yourself are more than the expectations others have for you. It’s okay to give yourself a break and let the self-judgment and self-doubt go. You won’t ever feel at ease in the world or with yourself if you are constantly talking negatively about yourself. If you wouldn’t let a stranger call you “stupid”, “ugly”or “not good enough” then you shouldn’t let yourself say those things. Just like with negative thoughts in general, becoming aware and then learning how to manage negative self talk is key to learning how to accept yourself.

Challenges

The major challenge we had over the years is getting Government approval and local accreditation… as the various government ministries claim their scope doesn’t cover what we do. After 5 years of requesting we finally got Lagos State to give an approval. It had also been challenging to make people view counseling as a career and that these professionals need to be paid for their services. People struggles to accept the need to pay for therapy. They feel it should be free.

Another challenge is access to resources and materials to aid and support our African professional counsellors.

Other projects and activities

I am a regular invited speaker at conferences& religious meetings.

I am an author

I run a quarterly mentoring forum

I run a periodic emotional empowerment meeting for women

I run a yearly retreat for couples

I run counseling and emotional wellness outreaches to schools, communities, prisons, IDP & Refugee camps.

Being a Woman of Rubies and more

I am a survivor, a pillar of strength, a conqueror and a woman on assignment… my life goal is simply to bring others out of the dungeon of pain and trauma to living life free, full and fulfilled.

For those who just walked out of abusive relationships

You are a survivor, the person who misused you never knew your worth as one of the best humans life could offer. So it’s not your loss but his/her. Engage is some good self-love routine, find purpose and commit yourself to it. Go into therapy and begin your journey into recovery.

The journey to healing may take a while and often better not walked alone, so be patient with yourself, get support and life would smile on you soonest.

For those who need certification

If you desire a certification in professional counseling or wants to know how to run a therapy business or just want to acquire more skills in Counselling. If you need to see a professional counselor or needs help to deal with marital problems, teenage problems, emotional problems, trauma, addiction etc

Do not hesitate to contact us at ADI Counselling Centre, 25 Ladipo Kasumu street off Tinuade street opposite FirstBank Allen Ikeja, Lagos.

You can follow her on FB, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter as: @TimiOyebode