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Esther Ijewere

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10 Signs a Relationship isn’t going to last

It’s easy to get swept off your feet in a new relationship. But when the excitement fizzles out and the honeymoon phase is over, you can actually see signs that a relationship will work out for the long term. You can also grow aware of some red flags that a relationship won’t last. The signposts of a future breakup are many, but most people don’t realize what those look like. So, I want to provide you with some things to look out for that signify a broken or ill-fated relationship.

HERE ARE 10 SIGNS A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T GOING TO LAST

1. YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE TOGETHER.

One of the signs of relationship not working anymore is if you’ve been dating for a while but haven’t talked about your future. For instance, if you’ve been living together for 18 months but your partner refuses to discuss marriage, it could be a big red flag. Does he find it difficult to communicate properly, or does he actually not see any future with you?

2. YOU’VE BEEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR THE PASSION.

Passion has brought you together as a couple but what happens when that mellows down? If you haven’t experienced a strong connection in other areas, then it’s not going to become long-term. For a new relationship to flourish, it needs to go beyond the physical connection. You should be emotionally and mentally connected as well. So, if you feel that you’re in this together for the passion only, it’s probably best to end the relationship because that kind of connection won’t last long.

3. THERE’S NO HONESTY AND OPENNESS.

Mature relationships allow partners to be forthcoming and open with each other because of their level of intimacy. It becomes a big problem, therefore, when you hide stuff from their partner or when you feel you cannot be fully yourself with him. Psychologist Antonio Borrello told Huffington Post that hiding feelings can happen because there is no trust. It’s also possible someone is doing things that are not compatible with their ideas as a couple, so they bury the details. If this is the case, then the relationship doesn’t have a solid, strong foundation.

4. THERE ARE NO FIGHTS, BUT NO COMMUNICATION EITHER.

You believe you’re in a blissful, stress-free relationship because you don’t fight. But what you might not realize is that fighting is a form of communication. It happens when couples are trying to reach a compromise together. Couples who don’t fight aren’t communicating their feelings. It’s a sign that they don’t want to work their conflicts out, which could signal the end of a relationship.

5. YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER’S FRIENDS.

The company you keep defines who you are. People are usually drawn to make friends with folks who like the same things they like or have the same qualities they have. So, if you don’t like his friends, this can be one of the signs of breakup because that relationship won’t last. Why? You’re likely going to discover more things about him that you might not like as well. Remember, friends reflect who you are.

6. YOU’VE DEVELOPED SIMILAR INTERESTS BUT HAVE NOT PURSUED OTHERS.

Partners who love to do similar things ideally live happy together, right? When two people like the same stuff, it’s supposed to be positive, or at least that’s what everyone thinks. But relationship expert Erika Boissiere told Bustle that this isn’t always a good thing. If you’ve been doing the same things together and have stopped pursuing your separate and unique interests, then you could end up with a broken relationship. This implies too much dependency on your partner, which won’t allow you to grow and evolve into your own person.

7. THERE’S NO EMPATHY.

She had a huge fight with her best friend, but you can’t understand why she’s so depressed about it. So, you become dismissive of her feelings. But the lack of empathy for what your partner is going through is another sign that the relationship won’t last. If you’re attuned to each other, you must be able to understand and imagine each other’s struggles since empathy is also a form of connectedness. If this feeling doesn’t exist, you’re in a broken relationship.

8. YOU DON’T HAVE DECISIONS IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

Who always chooses where you eat or what movies you watch? In the beginning, always letting him pick the places might seem fine because it does feel good that he has taken care of these simple choices. But small choices do matter to your relationship if you’re trying to make it last for a long time. If your partner constantly dismisses your choices, that’s a sign that your opinion isn’t valued. This can hurt your connection with each other.

9. THERE’S NO GIVE AND TAKE.

In the same way as giving value to your choices, how often do you compromise? Who is always the first to make up and apologize when you have a misunderstanding? The romance can quickly burn out if there’s no give and take. If you’ve been sacrificing your needs just to “compromise,” then you will be drained and exhausted soon enough. The relationship will quickly meet an end because it is already a broken relationship.

10. YOUR PARTNER TREATS OTHER PEOPLE POORLY.

People always put their best foot forward at the beginning of relationships, but you should always pay attention to your partner’s behavior towards other people. For example, how does he treat waiters? How does he act toward his parents or co-workers? If you’re going to be in a long-term relationship with this person, you will have ups and downs. And when the love and affection aren’t there, how will he treat you? Your relationship might not have much of a shot if he’s this way.

Esther Ijewere™©

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“Motherhood is such an incredible and beautiful gift, but it requires preparation”- Ibukun Omololu

 Being a mother is learning about strength you didn’t know you had, Motherhood is one of the most beautiful jobs in the world. Ibukun Omololu is not just a Mother, but one who is helping other Moms navigate through life life and helping them create work life balance.

A seasoned banker with over 11 years of professional experience. With expertise across critical areas such as Customer Service, Relationship Management, Strategic Sales and Marketing, Treasury Management and Compliance

At Sterling Bank Plc., Ibukun currently heads the One Woman proposition team, providing strategic oversight on the Women Banking Desk of the bank. She functions in adequate capacity, designing solutions tailored to the needs of the women customer segment, enabling access to financial services.

In celebration of International Women’s Day, Ibukun is launching a book to address some wrong beliefs about motherhood and parenting in general. A book she considers a gift to every Mother.

The beautiful banker and gender specialist who  holds a B.A in Linguistics from the University of Ilorin is happily married to Adedayo Omololu, and they are blessed with two beautiful boys.

Ibukun shares her Inspiring journey, challenges of being a gender specialist in a society that is yet to fully recognise the role of women and why her book “Behind the little bundles of Joy” is a must have for every Mom in this insightful interview, in Celebration of International Women’s Day.

 

 Childhood Influence

I was a happy free spirited and inquisitive child and the last in a family of 7. I often struggled with being the “girlchild” doing chores at home. It often baffled me when I saw my immediate elder brother relax in front of the TV while I had to go cook or wash plates. I often wondered what made him different from me. I think this sort of made me more inquisitive as I had lots of questions and would not follow the norm. It made me more open to challenge the status quo most times.

Impact of being a gender specialist on my Daytime Job

Being a gender specialist has exposed me to the challenges women face in Nigeria and by extension Africa. This is because we share similar cultures on gender bias. The impact has been negative and our aim at my organisation is to greatly change the narrative by supporting women in any way that we can. Women have been continually told to downplay their potential because they can’t have it all which is largely untrue. Being the Head of Sterling Bank “One woman” Initiative, I have been able push financial education, credit and other financial services that efficiently helps them get ahead. This is a huge way to serve their families and promote economic development especially through entrepreneurship.

My Book; Behind the Little bundles of Joy 

I believe motherhood is such an incredible and beautiful gift, but it requires preparation. I have discovered that a lot of women are truly not prepared for it, and It’s easy to take the impact of childbirth for granted as it was in my case which caused a lot of conflict and challenges in my own marriage. The conflict was one part, I also struggled with postpartum depression, a period of infertility amongst other things. These are timely conversations with learning points that we should be having with more younger women. Writing this book is my own way of sharing my mistakes and lessons from my experience. I want single ladies/men, expecting parents and new parents to be able to put some thought into how they can make pregnancy or birth plan more enjoyable through inspiring, real and positive birth narratives. It is important that what is ordinarily a beautiful memorable experience does not become a dark and traumatic one for anybody.

Insightful nuggets from my book

I had to address some cultural myths and societal expectations like the following;

Do not have a child because society or parents place a demand on you for it.

Vaginal delivery and C-section are perfectly normal birth methods, and none is inferior to another.

Support structures starts first from your spouse and it is not demeaning for a man to take care of his baby

A house maid is different from a nanny and what to look out for when picking a nanny or creche.

Other Projects and Activities

Other projects include the financial literacy initiative for all women owned businesses and the fact that women need to know the importance of money and how to keep and save money for emergency, self-care and actualizing their dreams. Not spending their resources all the time even though most times, their expenses is for the family. A significant part of the “One-woman” proposition is about financial freedom for women and how they can be relevant for themselves and the community

Challenges of being a Social Entrepreneur

One of the main challenges is the fact that women have been told too many lies all in the name of culture and tradition so it’s sometimes difficult to help them see that their dreams are worth chasing. Women are not secondary or inferior and have the capacity to achieve so much more especially when the men are our advocates and supporters. We honestly need each other as we are utterly inter-dependent and complement one another. We need to find better ways to live, grow and work together because when the strengths of both women and men are harnessed, the results are better.

Being a busy banker with a very busy portfolio, an author, gender specialist and above all a wife and mom, and managing it all

Juggling my career with a family while trying to build a brand amidst other things has stretched me but I am grateful for solid support structures from my family especially my husband who is one of my biggest cheerleaders, I have a fantastic nanny who helps me with the kids on the home front and a great driver so I am not pulling my hair outrage when Lagos Danfo infuriates you. I also work with some of the best bosses and colleagues on the face of the earth, chief of all would be Toyin Bolajoko who is a big asset to my team and offers me reverse mentoring as well. Lastly nothing good comes easy, so I remain resilient in the midst of challenges.

Being a Woman of Rubies

Let’s just say I love God, I also love to see the best in people, so I have an open mind and I am never judgemental about anybody. I am an urbane person who value people and relationships

 3 women who inspire me, In celebration of the Intl Women’s Day

My mother;She is an enigma of elegance, calmness, selflessness and love. I have watched her pour her life into us, her 5 children and every other child she gets a chance to love or nurture. She is the epitome of motherhood and I learnt how to love and value people from her. I can’t go anywhere and people who know my mum won’t stop asking after her.

Remi Owadokun;I don’t know how I can explain the amazon called Remi. She is selfless and genuinely wants to help people develop to be their best versions. She has inspired me, encouraged me, pushed me at some of my lowest moments and has refused to give up on me. This right here is the type of help every woman needs to do the impossible.

Temi Dalley; She is the Head of Human capital in my bank and one of the women who has given me my big break to lead the One Woman proposition. Temi is really passionate about raising more women leaders in the organisation. She encourages me to make the most of work without losing sight of what is important, getting ahead on the business, feeling good and not losing myself in the challenges on the job.

To new moms who need support to navigate motherhood and still thrive.

I guess congratulations are in order, I believe you are at your wits ends wondering how you got yourself into this. I believe you are doing an amazing job despite the fact that you are new to this, hang in there, you can do it. Please remember that your state of mind is also really important so get as much help and rest as possible.  You also know that your little one is counting on your help and support to grow with your nurture, your  love and your milk too, so take time to bond with your baby through it all, they grow up so fast so enjoy every moment you can and live a day at a time.

Lastly, go get a copy of my book even if it’s only because I asked you to, trust me it would be worth your while and just may save your marriage too.

 

 

 

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“When Others See Problems, I Search For Solutions To Fix The Problem”- Adebola Kupoluyi

Adebola Kupoluyi is a seasoned professional with over nine (9) years of valuable experience garnered in diverse challenging roles. She possesses general management experience overseeing key functions of Finance Operations, Quality Assurance, Health& Safety, and Network Operations.

Burdened by the number of street kids, she started Mantle of Mordecai (MOM) foundation many years ago, a registered non-profit organization with the mission to reduce the population of out-of-school children in Nigeria and by extension Africa. Adebola Kupoluyi also champions the Culture Preservation Initiative with the mandate of ensuring that the culture of her home country Nigeria is preserved all over the world. As part of impacting her world she is a volunteer mentor of The Tony Elumelu Foundation tasked with empowering young entrepreneurs in Africa.

Adebola Kupoluyi was recently appointed Country Ambassador, Nigeria for Rise &  Lead Netherlands; a global knowledge sharing, education and advocacy platform that connects leaders, emerging leaders, NGOs and change-makers to promote the inclusion of women in leadership in the workplace, marketplace and society to foster peace and prosperity in society.  Adebola’s mandate in life is to impact all lives she encounters; she shares her Inspiring journey with me in this Interview.

Growing Up

I had a relatively tough childhood because I was diagnosed of chronic asthma before I turned five. I lived most of my life on admission in the hospital and sometimes I wrote my exams in the confines of my hospital bed. I was a very frail child and all I found comfort in was my books, so I guess that made me appreciate the importance of education.

However, I know that seed of what I do now was sown at the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) orientation camp of Yobe state in Fika town in April 2009. While in camp I had  two “adopted” sons Musa and Mohammed whom I connected to immediately I met them. They were part of the group of kids that came to camp for menial jobs daily. Once they came into the camp it was always straight to my hostel; my roommates knew them already so they would call out to me that my kids were outside.  Off we would go to the canteen together once it was time for any meal to eat.

During our last week, my friends and I put funds together and we bought necessities such as slippers (they were always bare footed) and clothes.  Seeing the way their faces lit up because of this seemingly insignificant gesture made me realize there was so much more that could be done. Although, I did not know how to go about it then but the desire to help kids had been sown in my heart and it kept germinating.

Mantle of Mordecai Foundation and Its impact since Inception

Mantle of Mordecai foundation popularly known as MOM foundation is an inspiration from God and our mandate is simply to reduce the number of out -of -school children in Nigeria and by extension Africa . Every time I see a kid that should be in school hawking during school hours my heart breaks knowing the kind of potential that is being wasted.

MOM is a registered non-profit organisation in Nigeria and our primary aim is to seek funds to enable out- of -school children have access to quality education. MOM has children from different parts of Nigeria, but currently focuses on the children in Dustbin Estate, a slum in Lagos State, Nigeria where families literally live on refuse dump.

Our success stories have been what has kept us going. As at December 2019, we had our first university graduate Olatunji Benedict from Ondo State University of Science and Technology, Okitipupa. He studied B.Tech Applied Geophysics . I met Latunji Korede about 5 years ago petty trading on Lagos streets, because his father lost his only source of income and became bed ridden, hence Korede had to step up to cater for the family. Another beneficiary Solomon Aare, who is currently in his final year at the university,  after graduating from the polytechnic with a distinction, has also become a serial entrepreneur even while still in school. He runs Point of Sales (POS) agency shops in three different locations in Lagos. This is a boy that lived in dustbin estate prior to MOM sponsorship.

How my Strong Background in the Corporate World Impacted me  

I will say I have been privileged to have an interesting and positively challenging career that has spanned over nine years now. Valuable experience has been garnered in diverse roles and sectors. I am currently the Senior Manager, Finance Operations at American Towers, a New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) quoted company. This is a general management capacity role which sees me managing key functions and team members working within the Finance Operations, Health & Safety and Network Operations. At the early stage of my career I gained four(4) years consulting experience in KPMG with specialty in Enterprise Risk Management (ERM). I have also had the privilege of mentoring at the Tony Elumelu Entrepreneurship Programme (TEEP), coaching four promising women in their chosen field of entrepreneurship.  I am also a New Leader for tomorrow at the Crans Montana forum, Monaco.  Advancing in my career despite all odds shaped my thought process; made me realise that I am here for a time such as now and that beyond my success in career there is more I should be doing to impact my world.

My appointment as Country Ambassador for Nigeria rise and Leads Netherlands

The Rise and Lead is an education and social impact organization founded in the Netherlands in 2018, providing skills, knowledge and thought leadership to individuals, entrepreneurs and

organizations. Our mission is to support women to achieve their personal and professional goals while leading the change towards closing the gender leadership gap.

As Country Ambassador that is leading a new Country Forum from scratch, I have the  opportunity to grow my leadership and impact and develop more leaders in my circle of influence.  Some of the expectations are to create, manage and lead all local events, meetups and training programs  as well as planning and execution of all major summits and local meetups.

Challenges of being an Advocate

The major challenge I face as an advocate is the resistant to change on all fronts. As human beings, we seem to be quite set in our ways and find it difficult to embrace another way of doing things.

An example is changing the mindsets of the parents of our beneficiaries at the MOM Foundation. Specifically, some parents do not believe that education should be prioritised therefore they are not usually very supportive of the beneficiaries. Asides, providing funds to the beneficiaries, there is usually a need for an orientation of the other stakeholders involved in the process. This ensures that the entire programme is not frustrated and our mission is accomplished.

Adebola Kupoluyi

Our International Women’s Day Summit

Rise and Lead team decided it is the best time for us to have the inaugural African summit, after two successful summits in the Hague, Netherlands in 2018 and 2019.

The summit is called the Rising Leaders’ African Summit, taking place on 27th March 2020 at Four Points by Sheraton, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.

Theme is: Leadership. Women. Inclusion

The Summit will host progressive panel conversations, keynote speeches and impact workshops which will focus on Digital Transformation, Entrepreneurship, and advancing more women into leadership positions”. High-level business leaders, policymakers and international keynote speakers will attend to share their experience and best practices in innovation and leadership while addressing the significant potential of Women and Youth to transform the African Societies.

As part of the summit we are also gifting 25 women with free entrepreneurial training under our Inclusive Founders program to enable them grow and expand their businesses.

Registration is currently ongoing at https://riseandleadsummit.com/summit-african/ and we have discounts for corporate bodies and group registrations. Attendance of the summit is a perfect gift organizations can give their women in celebration of the International Women’s month.

The Nigerian Government and it’s impact on Women and Children

According to Edmund Burke, “the only condition necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. This is my summation of the way the Nigerian government has prioritized issues regarding women and children.  I do not see any visible or targeted effort to alleviate the peculiar issues faced by women and children.

To buttress my point, according to UNICEF data in 2014 Nigeria had the highest number of out of school children in the world ( 10.5 million). Despite all the promise made by the Nigerian government to correct this anomaly, UNICEF declared that the number had gone up by 25% to 13.2 million in 2018. This shows a complete neglect for the cause of children and lack of focus on the future of the country. My question is if education is a priority for developed countries why isn’t it a priority for a country like Nigeria contributing the highest quota to the pool of uneducated kids?

Same concerns are valid for women, in a country with such diverse and talented women, it shouldn’t be out of place to have a quota system that ensures that women are able to compete on the same levelled playing field as their male counterparts.

Adebola Kupoluyi
Adebola

Being a Woman of Rubies

I have decided to dedicate my lifetime to impacting my world in every sphere I find myself. When others see problems, I search for solutions to fix the problem. I will love to die empty one day, knowing that the world knew I was here because of the lives I would have touched just like the lyrics of the song “ I was here”

I want to nurture kids, put as many of them in school, I want to mentor teenagers especially the ones that have gone through some form of molestation because I am also a sexual abuse survivor. I want to coach young women in career and also empower the currently disempowered women. I just want to give my ALL to my world, because I have realised that waking up every morning is actually a gift  that should be maximized and not taken for granted.

To Female Change-makers who are trying to find their Voice in the World

Be the light the world is desperately looking for. Have an audacious goal that is greater than you on your journey to changing the world; divide that goal into smaller subsets, tackle it daily, celebrate small wins and learn from your failures. Never forget to thank God for the doors that are being shut currently, because not every opportunity is a good opportunity. Be very deliberate about self-leadership and self-development, be yourself always and never doubt your ability to change the world. Although your sphere of influence may look small, you are actually a critical and crucial part of a greater battalion of army whose common goal is to make the world a better place; however, the tasks have been apportioned to us all in different dimensions .

You can and you will change the world in your own sphere of influence. Keep at it!!

 Mention 5 women who inspire me and why

  1. Olajumoke Adenowo – we fondly call her Mrs A. She has been of huge influence in my life since I started listening to her and eventually getting to know her. One thing she stands for which unfortunately has taken the back burner these days is excellence in the marketplace. She has shown in all her endeavors that she is on earth for a purpose and has taught us that; purpose should be fulfilled on any pillar of life we stand on.
  2. Ibukun Awosika– she epitomizes integrity as a woman in business. I have learnt from her that though taking an ethical stand may be unpopular at the time you are taking that decision, it speaks for you behind closed doors years later and takes you to places your certificate or experience couldn’t have.
  3. Debola Deji- Kurunmi – we fondly call her General DDK! Meeting her healed me of a small mindset. She is my Coach and one thing she has done for me is open my eyes to see that I can be multi-influential and productive at it. She debunked the “jack of all trade and master of none” theory. This has brought me to where I am today and all I am doing and the more that is still coming.
  4. My Mum– Mrs. Bolanle Salako- seeing her struggles and limitation as a woman who innately had it in her to be successful, who did all the hard work but just couldn’t break even. toughened me up. Unknowingly, I just wanted to be a way better version of her. I decided that apart from no one stealing my joy; I was going to be the light that is desperately needed in this world.
  5. My late Grandma -we fondly called her “Abby”. I say to myself that I am who I am because I had a praying grandmother. She was a warrior who fought wars on her knees for us. She took care of me as a sickly child and nurtured me for year(s). I am eternally grateful I got to spend time with her before she passed on 8 yeas ago.

Please reach out to the Rise and Lead team and Adebola Kupoluyi on adebola@riseandleadwomen.com or support@riseandleadwomen.com 

You can also follow our conversations on social media with the hashtags #RiseandLeadWomen #RisingLeadersSummit, #RLSummit2020 #drivethechange #leadtheconversation #togetherweriseandle

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MEET THE NIGERIAN FEMALE NAVAL OFFICER SERVING AS HELICOPTER SQUADRON IN THE U.S

Nigerians are breaking boundaries all over the World.

This is the Inspiring story of Adeyemi, a graduate of Olabisi Onabanjo University who is making us proud in the U.S Navy. She Immigrated in 2009 from Nigeria, and earned her citizenship in 2013.

Today, Adeyemi who is happily married with one child has been commended for her diligence and commitment to service in the U.S Navy. See her Inspiring story below

According to Navy You Outreach ; 2nd Class Adeyemi Planche, a native of Columbus, Ohio, joined the Navy to do something challenging. Now, six years later, Planche serves with Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron (HSC) 3, working with one of the Navy’s most advanced helicopters at Naval Air Station North Island, San Diego.

Planche is a retail services specialist who is responsible for ordering supplies to meet the needs of sailors.

“I like putting a smile on people’s faces, especially when we work with morale, welfare and recreation,” said Planche.

Planche is a 2001 Dupmos High School graduate.

According to Planche, the values required to succeed in the Navy are similar to those found in Columbus.

“If you work hard, you can achieve anything you want to,” said Planche.

With more than 90 percent of all trade traveling by sea, and 95 percent of the world’s international phone and internet traffic carried through fiber optic cables lying on the ocean floor, Navy officials continue to emphasize that the prosperity and security of the United States is directly linked to a strong and ready Navy.

Pilots and aircrew are trained in the squadron to fly MH-60S “Seahawk” helicopters to ensure they are prepared for peacetime and warfighting missions.

Helicopters are equipped with the ability to conduct replenishments at sea, search and rescue missions and support other operations as needed

There are many opportunities for sailors to earn recognition in their command, community and careers. Planche is most proud of earning personal recognition from the commodore aboard USS Pinckney.

“We earned a 100 percent score in records management,” said Planche. “This had not been done before, so it was a big deal for us to accomplish.”

As a member of the U.S. Navy, Planche, as well as other sailors, know they are a part of a service tradition providing unforgettable experiences through leadership development, world affairs and humanitarian assistance. Their efforts will have a lasting effect around the globe and for generations of sailors who will follow.

“Hopefully, I can start a tradition for my children to consider a career in the military,” said Planche. “I like discipline, and the military definitely provides that. I immigrated in 2009 from Nigeria, and earned my citizenship in 2013. I feel really good being able to serve in the military defending this country. It’s a job I can definitely be proud of.”

Esther Ijewere™©

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“GIRLS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT A WOMAN CAN BE MORE THAN A WIFE AND A MOTHER” – EMILIA EYO OKON

Emilia has a degree in Computer Science, an Associate degree in Community and Public Health and certifications in Entrepreneurship Development and Project Management for Development. She is a fellow of the African Women Entrepreneurship Cooperative (AWEC), New York on Social Enterprise Development and Coady International Institute, Canada on Facilitation Approaches for Social Change.

She also led the sexual and reproductive health training for national volunteers and beneficiaries at the Youth Resource Centers in 18 LGAs in Cross River State. Emilia shares her inspiring journey with me.

Childhood Preparation
I AM not sure if my childhood prepared me for anything, I grew up as any other female in the “hood” but somethings shaped my mentality right from the get-go. Am Efik, one of the tribes in Cross River State. The Efiks are quite matriarchal in terms of how they treat women. We have popular sayings like “eyen mi no ke ndo idighe uyam” meaning my child is for marriage and not for sale. Infact other tribes around us see Efik women as proud and do not stay in their marriages. This is not to glorify divorce it is to put in perspective the kind of conversations that shaped my thinking.

Another big event that shaped my childhood was when I joined the Girls’ Power Initiative (GPI) Calabar in 1996 as a GPI girl. We were re-sensitized on certain norms that people found normal. I attended the Sunday sessions 3-6 pm which talked about everything a young girl would experience ranging from Menstrual Cycle to Sexual Harassment. This is the institution that set the foundation for many years in the development sector. All the opportunities I had to grow, be exposed and learn began with that GPI Sunday lesson.

Being an experienced Development Practitioner with interest in Gender Mainstreaming & Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights

Following up on my experiences in GPI and my cultural background. I think I got captivated by the sense of being different. I became strong-headed and stubborn when it came to discussing women/girls’ issues. This was pure activism and advocacy. This translated to me coordinating the GPI Girls Alumnae Association for more than 3 years, serving in GPI as an intern and working as a staff for more than 5 years. My conversations around gender and women’s right were then properly molded and developed. When I left GPI to get into the normal development sector with men, I struggled because this was the practical aspect of what we talked about every workday. The struggle about women continually being dropped from leadership positions, young girls being socialized to be sex objects and materialistic, political scenes carved out to be a platform for men only continued to bother me and I saw myself speak about these issues more often than not.

I was once told by a popular radio presenter on air, that he didn’t think Gender was such a huge issue for a position called Gender Equality Officer to be carved out as he couldn’t imagine what I would be doing in the office. These kinds of comments have fueled my work over the years.

The years I enjoyed most were when I became a facilitator for young girls in the GPI training program, giving back to young girls using the skills I learned several years back to talk to these girls about their bodies, their sexuality including sexual and reproductive health and rights. I found myself as a role model for these young girls, am not sure I am. I became their confidant and at some point, their counselor, where we talked openly about sex, sexuality, protection and seeking help where necessary. I remember taking up sexual abuse cases for them, accompanying them to hospitals, etc. It was one of my most exciting times because I felt the impact of my work directly on the beneficiaries and I was learning every day.

Being a fellow of the African Women Entrepreneurship Cooperative (AWEC) and other organisations
The AWEC fellowship was training I did in my bid to further understand Women in Business. I was part of a project which assisted over 11,000 young women and men get entrepreneurship training and some were able to develop viable businesses using the support mechanism the project provided. It provided training, small grants, business development mentorship, etc. at some point in the project part of my role was to assist women specifically gain access equally to this project opportunities, train them on developing business despite their peculiar challenges as women and work with the available institutions to be gender-sensitive while dealing with businesswomen.

I decided to apply for the AWEC fellowship to be part of a platform where only women who were in business were sharing ideas, challenges and learning from each other. It was a great learning experience for me as it translated into my work while developing ideas on how to deepen gender issues on the project.

The Coady Institute experience was to further deepen my facilitation skills while delivering sessions. Sometimes people love to lecture while taking sessions, I did learn early while at GPI to use creative approaches in delivering my topics. As I grew in the development sector and my responsibilities kept being intertwined with delivering sessions all the time, I felt it would be nice to learn new skills, interact with other development practitioners whose role is deeply involved in delivering community relates sessions and learn. It’s was a great experience and very useful for my work presently.

Training and mentoring over 1000 young girls, 300 teachers in Cross River State
This is was the direct outcome of my roles in GPI and The Bridge Leadership Foundation (TBLF). I trained and trained mostly around gender, sexual violence, women and girls, sexual and reproductive health and rights. I saw young girls coming to me for so many things, mentoring, references, linkages, etc. I remember walking into the University of Calabar and spending most parts of it were amazed at how many young girls recognized me immediate and spoke about how I affected their lives. Some follow my social media page closely to interact and keep their fire burning.

The teachers’ training, I can not take full credit for because it was a project GPI carried out as part of introducing teachers and student teachers to the Family Life and HIV/AIDS national curriculum. At the time I was one of the lead trainers on that project. I was in my early 20s at the time.

You are a gender advocate, activist, broadcaster, and convener of several initiatives, mother and wife, how do you manage it all.

I ask myself this question every day, I guess am restless.

2 things; I think I always want my daughter to see me like that mother who also contributed immensely to her life. Not only socially but financially. I want my kids to understand in practice that women can be more than a wife and a mother so they know what to expect and grow up with this as a norm. I rationalized and agreed with myself to have a career and do what I love every day of my life if I have to. Otherwise I would be unhappy and that I refuse to be.

Challenges of being an Advocate
Too many to mention. I have lost friends because I am probably too outspoken, lost opportunities because I would not settle for less, tagged difficult, strong feminists not in a good way, etc but those things do not deter me. I maybe intimidate for a period but I usually bounce back within a space of time am back to being me.

Being an Inspiration in other Organisations
I do not own an organization but have worked for several others, my contributions are left for my colleagues, former and present to analyze but one thing they would not forget is the amount of project analysis, creativity and innovation I bring onboard while implementing any project/program.

What makes you a Woman of Rubies?
I love the fact that it creates a platform for women to be showcased with their skills and not how much their partners have or how many children they own. I identify with this space because it has open arms, any woman, young old, married, divorced, single or single mother can be showcased purely based on their skills. We learn, criticize and evolve together.

To young women who want to go into advocacy

Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do. Dream BIG and work hard. Have Faith, plenty don’t know but my Faith level is way too high, that’s why when am low I know, I will be back up. If you fail? Understand it is a learning curve, take the lessons to forget the event. It is a tough road, buckle up and keep it moving.

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11 WAYS TO BE A MORE LOVING PARTNER

“Are you in a relationship presently and you are trying to figure out how to love your partner more?”

“Are you about to go into one and need to know how to love your partner right ?”

This article is for you!

Read on and learn some of the doable ways in which you can learn how to love — become more loving, win your partner back, and enjoy a satisfying relationship. Once you know what genuine love looks like, it will be easy to implement.

Most people mistakenly think that love is a feeling. Here’s the thing, they have it all wrong.

In order to be more loving, you have to understand what love truly is. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a Commitment. It’s an Action. It’s a Decision..

It’s understandable why we’re confused about love. The movie industry has put a spell on us. They have us believe that two people can fall in love.

True, genuine love begins after the spell wears out, after the honeymoon ends and real life begins.

Are you ready to become a more loving partner? You look ready to me. Let’s go!

1. Commit to Your Relationship

Decide that you are going to be in the relationship; that you are going to work toward its growth; that you will nourish it to the best of your ability. Without that commitment, you don’t have the necessary foundation to build a loving relationship. That is why this first step is crucial.

If you have that commitment, read on.

 

2. Invest Time

The workaholic who works 60 hours a week might say, “I love my family so much. I’m working hard to provide for them.” That’s not love. Remember, love is not a feeling; it’s not words. It’s an action that you decide to take. One of the most important ways to demonstrate love is to spend time with the person you love. After all, time is our most prized possession. You show someone you love them by spending quality time with them.

If you want to become more loving, find time every day to connect with your loved one. You can do this with a text, a phone call, or a lunch date. Be creative.

 

3. Communicate Your Love

There are countless and effective ways to do this. Find ways to communicate your love through action. Bring home a treat, do the dishes, make dinner, leave a note in his favorite coffee mug, etc. Before he leaves for the gym, my husband takes off his chain and sets it on his nightstand.

As a writer, one of my favorite guidelines is, show, don’t just tell. By doing this, the writer provokes a reaction from their readers, helps them feel the emotion the character is feeling. This works in real life as well.

Take an action, however small, that SHOWS your partner you love them.

4. Acknowledge the Thoughtful Things Your Partner Does

One of the ways to be a more loving partner is to acknowledge all your partner does for you. You might be taking your partner for granted and not even realizing it.

Do you thank them for doing the laundry, walking the dog, making dinner, doing the dishes, working out, replacing the soap and shampoo before it runs out, etc? There are a million little things that keep a home going, and it’s easy to forget that someone is doing it. Acknowledge it.

 

5. Be Supportive

In what ways can you be supportive to your partner? Maybe it’s supporting a hobby they have, or wishing them a fun girl’s day out, or being there for every music recital, etc. When you’re supportive, your partner will feel like they can’t fail. It will provide the encouragement they need to keep going and have fun at the same time.

6. Provide Space

Clinginess can ruin a relationship. Too much of anything can be deleterious to its survival. Yes, it’s good to spend time together. In fact, I recommend it, but it’s also good to find a healthy balance.

Providing space means you allow your partner to express himself/herself in the way they enjoy. Allowing your partner time with friends and family is important. You don’t have to be by their side 24/7.

“We all need time to explore, reflect, and express ourselves individually.”

Create a space for your partner so that they can express their creativity. Let them be them without you. Remember, they were someone long before you came along.

7. Avoid Put Downs

Here’s the thing, when you’re in a relationship, you pretty much know everything about your partner–the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s easy to resort to put downs when you’re angry and upset about something they’ve done.

For example, let’s suppose they’re late for a movie. It happens. Don’t start in with, “Late again?! Jeez, you’re never on time, you moron!” Or, “No wonder your parents are disappointed by you!”

What are you trying to accomplish? It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re having a constructive discussion. It actually sounds like a war in progress.

We have enough strife in the world. Don’t allow it to infiltrate your home. Speak with respect. Let love be the motivator, not pettiness.

8. Be Willing to Compromise

Relationships are partnerships. Often, one or both of the people involved forget that; they’re a little too self-absorbed, always wanting what they want when they want it regardless of how their partner feels.

Since all relationships require some form of compromise to be successful, the couple has to work as a team. It’s always a give and take. Willingness to compromise can go a long way in creating happiness and feelings of well-being in the relationship.

9. Listen

You might think you’re listening, but next time your partner is talking, pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking? Are you really listening? Are you formulating your answer? Have you tuned out? True listening requires a great deal of effort, but it is a gift to the person who is feeling heard.

When you truly listen, the other person feels valued, important, like they matter. And isn’t that a gift you want to give your partner? It doesn’t cost a thing, but the dividends are priceless. True listening is the encapsulation of love.

Try this exercise, ask your partner a question, then really listen. Don’t get discouraged if your mind wanders for a spell, bring it back and re-focus. Your partner will sense your attentiveness and be ever so grateful.

10. Drop Old Issues

It might sound crazy to bring up past issues and hurts while in an argument, but couples do it all the time. There is no reason to bring up the past. Ask yourself: “What’s the point? What am I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to fix the problem or make it worse?” Old issues have no place in the present. Let them go. Concentrate on the here and now.

The bottom line is: make your relationship stronger, not weaken it.

11. Learn to say “Sorry” and mean it

People make mistakes. It’s good to apologize. Not just a fake apology, but a true, heart-felt apology. Apologies go a long way to repair a broken relationship. If you are in the wrong, say it. Mean it. Make sure the person understands that you are making amends.

You are not going to come off as weak if you say you’re sorry. Not only will you validate your partner’s feelings, you’ll gain respect. More than likely, your partner will say something like, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean that.” Make amends when you need to. Your partner will look at you with the loving eyes you crave.

Final Thoughts

Love is the most beautiful thing on earth. Being loving is the most amazing gift you can give. All the heart flutters, the butterflies in the belly, and the buckling knees, can’t replace genuine loving acts.

Don’t allow your relationship to be fed by simply stringing a set of words together. It takes a great deal more than that. It takes a Commitment, an Action, and a Decision. Done over and over again.

You have everything you need right here. It’s the start you need to make it to the finish line of your relationship. If your relationship has suffered an injury, implement the above tips for a week, a month. See what happens.

– Esther Ijewere™©

Kindly like, follow, share and drop your comments. *winks*

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7 SIGNS YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

An ideal relationship is one of equity, where both partners give and take happily in a positive, healthy dynamic. But maybe you’re having some doubts about your own relationship. Is it really one of reciprocity? Does your partner care for you as much as you care for them?

Unfortunately, differences in commitment levels are far from unusual in relationships. But you and your partner both deserve to be with someone who they share a balanced dynamic with, so you need to make sure you’re not being taken for granted or led on.

Here are 7 Signs Your Partner Doesn’t Care About Your Relationship

1.You hardly interact

How often do you and your partner interact? If they are interested in you beyond a superficial level, they would want to spend as much time as they can with you. This doesn’t mean they won’t be busy or have their own hobbies and commitments. But it does mean that they’d make an effort to see you or at least talk to you very regularly.

Consider;

How often do you go on dates? Is it often many weeks before you see each other in person?

Do you text each other regularly? Or are there long gaps between messages, and many days that you go without speaking?

Do you call each other, especially when you can’t see each other for a while?

How quickly do they respond to your messages or attempts at interaction?

Do they often make last-minute plans, or cancel long-made ones?

If your partner doesn’t seem to want to spend that much time interacting with you, they probably only think of you as a side-fling.

2 – They Avoid Presenting You As a Partner

When you’re with someone you care for, it’s hard not to want to show them off. You proudly announce that this is your girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner. You tag them in cute pictures on social media. You tell others stories about them.

But what if your partner just thinks of you as a fling? They likely won’t want to make others think you’re their partner because they don’t see this as a long-term thing.

A partner who is in it for the long run will:

Be very excited about showing you off to others

Proudly bring you around with them

Introduce you as their partner in a positive way

Tell others about you, even just in passing

Have no problems posting social media photos or statuses that involve you

On the other hand, a partner who doesn’t care about sticking with you will:

Introduce you as a friend or refuse to use committed terms for you

Seem embarrassed by you, as though they don’t want to be seen with you

Never talk about you, ever

Refuse to be open about your relationship on social media

3 – You’ve Never Met Their Friends Or Family

Someone’s friends and family are the people they spend time with. These are the lovely people your partner cares most about. If you were an important part of your partner’s life, they would have decided to introduce you to the other people they love so that their worlds can collide in harmony.

But if your partner doesn’t want you to meet anyone he knows, there’s a good chance that’s because they don’t think it’s necessary. You won’t be around for long enough for the stress and anxiety of these meetings to be worth it, and maybe your partner doesn’t see there being much of a point, to begin with.

4 – You Initiate Everything

No matter what, it seems like you’re always initiating every interaction you have with your partner. They never take the first step, and it’s enough to make anyone wonder if the relationship is a real, committed one. Sadly, the answer is probably “no”. This goes for:

Texts

Calls

Dates

Intimacy

Gestures of affection

Gifts

Your positive thinking may spur you to continue this pattern of repeated and unreciprocated initiation, but be careful. There’s a good chance that they just don’t consider you worth that effort.

5 – Your Interactions Revolve around Physical Intimacy

Does your partner only seem to ring you up for intimate activities, as though you’re a number to casually dial for booty call services? Perhaps you’ve noticed that, no matter what you’re doing, things always slowly devolve into private, steamy exchanges.

This is even more of a red flag if you try to get your partner to do other activities with you outside of the bedroom, but they repeatedly turn you down. It definitely sounds like they’re only interested in intimate activities, and not in being with you in the long run. Sure, intimacy is important in all sexual relationships, but it shouldn’t be all that you do.

6 – They Don’t do Anything for you

Relationships are about give and take, and a healthy one involves plenty of that. More importantly, a positive and committed relationship has both partners making “sacrificial” types of gestures for the betterment of their significant other’s life or happiness.

They don’t have to be big gestures, and you certainly shouldn’t expect a partner to give up everything in their life for you. But there are some common signs of commitment through small sacrifices, including:

Doing things for you that they don’t necessarily enjoy

Changing up their schedule every now and then to be with you

Helping you whittle down small things on your to-do list

Being there for you when you’re feeling down

Offering to help you out with small tasks

Buying you simple but meaningful gifts

Actively trying to make you happy

If your partner refuses to do absolutely anything at all for you, there’s a good chance that they don’t care about you or your relationship.

7 – You Only Seem To Meet at The same Place and time

Couples typically like the process of switching things up every once in a while, and doing the exact same thing can get fairly monotonous and boring. But for some reason, everything about your relationship is monotonous. You meet at the same places every time you do meet, or at the exact same time, or only at night, or even all three.

Why is this a bad sign? Well, it could indicate that your partner doesn’t want to bring you into their life – they just want you to be a regular stop in their daily routine. It sounds nice until you realize that this means you’re not a partner in this situation: you’re a convenient number on a list.

This can also indicate that:

Your partner is hiding something

Your partner doesn’t want to alter their schedule to see you

Or, your partner is meeting with you out of convenience

Of course, jumping to these conclusions quickly is a bad idea, but you should be ready for the unexpected when you bring this up to your partner.

8 – They Don’t Know Much About You (And They Don’t Ask)

Does your partner sometimes feel like a stranger? Do they buy your least favorite chocolate to give you as a gift, even after you’ve told them you dislike it countless times? Do they have no idea what you do for a living? Have they mixed up your hobbies multiple times?

A partner who doesn’t know much about you is probably not interested in finding out more about you and committing it to memory. It’s even worse if they never ask – it truly shows that they have little to no actual interest in you.

This also goes the other way around. A partner who is committed often shares more about themselves with their significant other, according to studies that examine the positive and negative links between self-disclosure and commitment readiness.

9 – They Don’t Talk About The Future

Someone who cares about your relationship and is committed to you will happily discuss the future with you. This doesn’t have to be about marriage or having kids, either (and in most newer relationships, it won’t be!). Instead, you may notice things like:

Your partner talks about his future while including you in it

Your partner seems to naturally include you in all their future plans

Or, your partner expresses a desire to be with you for a long time

Your partner makes plans months in advance with you for vacations, dates, or other events

Your partner is happy to have an open, honest conversation about the direction of your relationship

On the flip side, a partner who completely refuses to talk about the future at all, they probably are not committed to you and don’t care about the relationship nearly as much as you do.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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MICHELLE OBAMA SAYS SHE, HUBBY ATTENDED COUPLE’S THERAPY DURING HARD TIMES

Michelle Obama admitted her marriage was rocky right after the girls were born .

She attended therapy sessions and realised it was not her husband’s responsibility to make her happy.The author added at the end of the day, Obama was her friend and she was reminded why she fell in love with him – The two are now happy and stronger 28 years after walking down the aisle Former US first lady Michelle Obama has admitted not all marriages are perfect and hers too survived the test of time. The mother of two disclosed she and retired president Barrack Obama went through a rough patch right after their girls were born.

One lesson Michelle learned was her happiness was her responsibility and she was also not in charge of her husband’s joy. She also discovered she and the former president were different individuals who needed to celebrate and recognize their uniqueness before focusing on each other.

The former first lady pointed out her marriage was built on friendship and that always reminded her to stick by the man who was her friend before being her partner. “We went through a tough time, we did some hard things together. But now we are out on the other end and I can look at him and I still recognise my husband.

He is still the man I fell in love with,” Michelle added. As earlier reported, the retired FLOTUS said she and her husband also struggled to comfortably transition to empty nesters. After their daughters went off to college, the duo cried and tried their best to embrace their new reality. She also joked about how Obama is a huge cry baby who gets carried away whenever his daughters achieve any milestones like graduating.

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6-Year-Old Nigerian Branded Most Beautiful Girl In The World To Model In London Fashion Week

Most beautiful girl in the world, Jare Ijalana, has nothing but good news two years after going viral .The little girl who is already in London will walk the runway during their fashion week alongside other models – Jare told her young fans through social media that they can achieve anything.

In 2018, a modest Nigerian family identified as the Ijalanas woke up to news that forever changed their lives. A simple photo shoot turned them into instant celebrities and propelled them to greater heights.

Two years later, Jare Ijalana, their daughter, can proudly say she will walk the much coveted London Fashion Week runway. 

In 2018, photographer Mofe Bamuyiwa posted a snippet of sisters Jare, Jomi and Joba without expecting it to cause too much fuss. However, within a couple of hours, she learnt the three girls broke the internet. International news outlets were baffled by the natural, flawless beauty in the photos and tirelessly searched for the three kids.

Jare especially had people thinking she represented perfection and grace. Just shortly after becoming an instant celebrity, the phones started ringing. Jare became a model and gigs started streaming in. Celebrities across the world wished they could meet the little girl even for a day and just stare at her bewitching face for a second.

Big congrats to you young Queen. Go and conquer the world.

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MEET FEMALE TEACHER WHO SPENDS HER LUNCH BREAK SEWING PUPILS’ TORN UNIFORMS

A kindhearted teacher from Ghana has set the bar high for other educators by putting her all in her job. Naomi Awomeh has brought a new meaning to the word service as she always endeavors to leave smiles on her pupils’ faces.

Emmanuel Kobea the selfless lady who works in a small village spends her free days sewing and repairing her learners’ clothes. As if not enough, the kind woman does it all for free.

During her lunch breaks, instead of indulging in a scrumptious meal, the teacher takes out her tools and focuses on stitching and repairing clothes. And while she is busy turning tatters to presentable attire, Naomi teaches her pupils how to stitch. Her story first gained traction on social media when Emmanuel Kobea, a young man who was touched by the kind teacher’s laudable initiative in the school, shared her photo. “One of my daughters in the Lord, Awomeh Naomi teaches at Kubease near Ejisu. She learnt dressmaking during her vacations while in college. She in turn, teaches her pupils needle work and patches their worn out uniforms during breaks,” he wrote.

Do you have a life-changing story you would like us to publish? Please reach us through info@womenofrubies.com

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