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Esther Ijewere

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“GIRLS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT A WOMAN CAN BE MORE THAN A WIFE AND A MOTHER” – EMILIA EYO OKON

Emilia has a degree in Computer Science, an Associate degree in Community and Public Health and certifications in Entrepreneurship Development and Project Management for Development. She is a fellow of the African Women Entrepreneurship Cooperative (AWEC), New York on Social Enterprise Development and Coady International Institute, Canada on Facilitation Approaches for Social Change.

She also led the sexual and reproductive health training for national volunteers and beneficiaries at the Youth Resource Centers in 18 LGAs in Cross River State. Emilia shares her inspiring journey with me.

Childhood Preparation
I AM not sure if my childhood prepared me for anything, I grew up as any other female in the “hood” but somethings shaped my mentality right from the get-go. Am Efik, one of the tribes in Cross River State. The Efiks are quite matriarchal in terms of how they treat women. We have popular sayings like “eyen mi no ke ndo idighe uyam” meaning my child is for marriage and not for sale. Infact other tribes around us see Efik women as proud and do not stay in their marriages. This is not to glorify divorce it is to put in perspective the kind of conversations that shaped my thinking.

Another big event that shaped my childhood was when I joined the Girls’ Power Initiative (GPI) Calabar in 1996 as a GPI girl. We were re-sensitized on certain norms that people found normal. I attended the Sunday sessions 3-6 pm which talked about everything a young girl would experience ranging from Menstrual Cycle to Sexual Harassment. This is the institution that set the foundation for many years in the development sector. All the opportunities I had to grow, be exposed and learn began with that GPI Sunday lesson.

Being an experienced Development Practitioner with interest in Gender Mainstreaming & Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights

Following up on my experiences in GPI and my cultural background. I think I got captivated by the sense of being different. I became strong-headed and stubborn when it came to discussing women/girls’ issues. This was pure activism and advocacy. This translated to me coordinating the GPI Girls Alumnae Association for more than 3 years, serving in GPI as an intern and working as a staff for more than 5 years. My conversations around gender and women’s right were then properly molded and developed. When I left GPI to get into the normal development sector with men, I struggled because this was the practical aspect of what we talked about every workday. The struggle about women continually being dropped from leadership positions, young girls being socialized to be sex objects and materialistic, political scenes carved out to be a platform for men only continued to bother me and I saw myself speak about these issues more often than not.

I was once told by a popular radio presenter on air, that he didn’t think Gender was such a huge issue for a position called Gender Equality Officer to be carved out as he couldn’t imagine what I would be doing in the office. These kinds of comments have fueled my work over the years.

The years I enjoyed most were when I became a facilitator for young girls in the GPI training program, giving back to young girls using the skills I learned several years back to talk to these girls about their bodies, their sexuality including sexual and reproductive health and rights. I found myself as a role model for these young girls, am not sure I am. I became their confidant and at some point, their counselor, where we talked openly about sex, sexuality, protection and seeking help where necessary. I remember taking up sexual abuse cases for them, accompanying them to hospitals, etc. It was one of my most exciting times because I felt the impact of my work directly on the beneficiaries and I was learning every day.

Being a fellow of the African Women Entrepreneurship Cooperative (AWEC) and other organisations
The AWEC fellowship was training I did in my bid to further understand Women in Business. I was part of a project which assisted over 11,000 young women and men get entrepreneurship training and some were able to develop viable businesses using the support mechanism the project provided. It provided training, small grants, business development mentorship, etc. at some point in the project part of my role was to assist women specifically gain access equally to this project opportunities, train them on developing business despite their peculiar challenges as women and work with the available institutions to be gender-sensitive while dealing with businesswomen.

I decided to apply for the AWEC fellowship to be part of a platform where only women who were in business were sharing ideas, challenges and learning from each other. It was a great learning experience for me as it translated into my work while developing ideas on how to deepen gender issues on the project.

The Coady Institute experience was to further deepen my facilitation skills while delivering sessions. Sometimes people love to lecture while taking sessions, I did learn early while at GPI to use creative approaches in delivering my topics. As I grew in the development sector and my responsibilities kept being intertwined with delivering sessions all the time, I felt it would be nice to learn new skills, interact with other development practitioners whose role is deeply involved in delivering community relates sessions and learn. It’s was a great experience and very useful for my work presently.

Training and mentoring over 1000 young girls, 300 teachers in Cross River State
This is was the direct outcome of my roles in GPI and The Bridge Leadership Foundation (TBLF). I trained and trained mostly around gender, sexual violence, women and girls, sexual and reproductive health and rights. I saw young girls coming to me for so many things, mentoring, references, linkages, etc. I remember walking into the University of Calabar and spending most parts of it were amazed at how many young girls recognized me immediate and spoke about how I affected their lives. Some follow my social media page closely to interact and keep their fire burning.

The teachers’ training, I can not take full credit for because it was a project GPI carried out as part of introducing teachers and student teachers to the Family Life and HIV/AIDS national curriculum. At the time I was one of the lead trainers on that project. I was in my early 20s at the time.

You are a gender advocate, activist, broadcaster, and convener of several initiatives, mother and wife, how do you manage it all.

I ask myself this question every day, I guess am restless.

2 things; I think I always want my daughter to see me like that mother who also contributed immensely to her life. Not only socially but financially. I want my kids to understand in practice that women can be more than a wife and a mother so they know what to expect and grow up with this as a norm. I rationalized and agreed with myself to have a career and do what I love every day of my life if I have to. Otherwise I would be unhappy and that I refuse to be.

Challenges of being an Advocate
Too many to mention. I have lost friends because I am probably too outspoken, lost opportunities because I would not settle for less, tagged difficult, strong feminists not in a good way, etc but those things do not deter me. I maybe intimidate for a period but I usually bounce back within a space of time am back to being me.

Being an Inspiration in other Organisations
I do not own an organization but have worked for several others, my contributions are left for my colleagues, former and present to analyze but one thing they would not forget is the amount of project analysis, creativity and innovation I bring onboard while implementing any project/program.

What makes you a Woman of Rubies?
I love the fact that it creates a platform for women to be showcased with their skills and not how much their partners have or how many children they own. I identify with this space because it has open arms, any woman, young old, married, divorced, single or single mother can be showcased purely based on their skills. We learn, criticize and evolve together.

To young women who want to go into advocacy

Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do. Dream BIG and work hard. Have Faith, plenty don’t know but my Faith level is way too high, that’s why when am low I know, I will be back up. If you fail? Understand it is a learning curve, take the lessons to forget the event. It is a tough road, buckle up and keep it moving.

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11 WAYS TO BE A MORE LOVING PARTNER

“Are you in a relationship presently and you are trying to figure out how to love your partner more?”

“Are you about to go into one and need to know how to love your partner right ?”

This article is for you!

Read on and learn some of the doable ways in which you can learn how to love — become more loving, win your partner back, and enjoy a satisfying relationship. Once you know what genuine love looks like, it will be easy to implement.

Most people mistakenly think that love is a feeling. Here’s the thing, they have it all wrong.

In order to be more loving, you have to understand what love truly is. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a Commitment. It’s an Action. It’s a Decision..

It’s understandable why we’re confused about love. The movie industry has put a spell on us. They have us believe that two people can fall in love.

True, genuine love begins after the spell wears out, after the honeymoon ends and real life begins.

Are you ready to become a more loving partner? You look ready to me. Let’s go!

1. Commit to Your Relationship

Decide that you are going to be in the relationship; that you are going to work toward its growth; that you will nourish it to the best of your ability. Without that commitment, you don’t have the necessary foundation to build a loving relationship. That is why this first step is crucial.

If you have that commitment, read on.

 

2. Invest Time

The workaholic who works 60 hours a week might say, “I love my family so much. I’m working hard to provide for them.” That’s not love. Remember, love is not a feeling; it’s not words. It’s an action that you decide to take. One of the most important ways to demonstrate love is to spend time with the person you love. After all, time is our most prized possession. You show someone you love them by spending quality time with them.

If you want to become more loving, find time every day to connect with your loved one. You can do this with a text, a phone call, or a lunch date. Be creative.

 

3. Communicate Your Love

There are countless and effective ways to do this. Find ways to communicate your love through action. Bring home a treat, do the dishes, make dinner, leave a note in his favorite coffee mug, etc. Before he leaves for the gym, my husband takes off his chain and sets it on his nightstand.

As a writer, one of my favorite guidelines is, show, don’t just tell. By doing this, the writer provokes a reaction from their readers, helps them feel the emotion the character is feeling. This works in real life as well.

Take an action, however small, that SHOWS your partner you love them.

4. Acknowledge the Thoughtful Things Your Partner Does

One of the ways to be a more loving partner is to acknowledge all your partner does for you. You might be taking your partner for granted and not even realizing it.

Do you thank them for doing the laundry, walking the dog, making dinner, doing the dishes, working out, replacing the soap and shampoo before it runs out, etc? There are a million little things that keep a home going, and it’s easy to forget that someone is doing it. Acknowledge it.

 

5. Be Supportive

In what ways can you be supportive to your partner? Maybe it’s supporting a hobby they have, or wishing them a fun girl’s day out, or being there for every music recital, etc. When you’re supportive, your partner will feel like they can’t fail. It will provide the encouragement they need to keep going and have fun at the same time.

6. Provide Space

Clinginess can ruin a relationship. Too much of anything can be deleterious to its survival. Yes, it’s good to spend time together. In fact, I recommend it, but it’s also good to find a healthy balance.

Providing space means you allow your partner to express himself/herself in the way they enjoy. Allowing your partner time with friends and family is important. You don’t have to be by their side 24/7.

“We all need time to explore, reflect, and express ourselves individually.”

Create a space for your partner so that they can express their creativity. Let them be them without you. Remember, they were someone long before you came along.

7. Avoid Put Downs

Here’s the thing, when you’re in a relationship, you pretty much know everything about your partner–the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s easy to resort to put downs when you’re angry and upset about something they’ve done.

For example, let’s suppose they’re late for a movie. It happens. Don’t start in with, “Late again?! Jeez, you’re never on time, you moron!” Or, “No wonder your parents are disappointed by you!”

What are you trying to accomplish? It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re having a constructive discussion. It actually sounds like a war in progress.

We have enough strife in the world. Don’t allow it to infiltrate your home. Speak with respect. Let love be the motivator, not pettiness.

8. Be Willing to Compromise

Relationships are partnerships. Often, one or both of the people involved forget that; they’re a little too self-absorbed, always wanting what they want when they want it regardless of how their partner feels.

Since all relationships require some form of compromise to be successful, the couple has to work as a team. It’s always a give and take. Willingness to compromise can go a long way in creating happiness and feelings of well-being in the relationship.

9. Listen

You might think you’re listening, but next time your partner is talking, pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking? Are you really listening? Are you formulating your answer? Have you tuned out? True listening requires a great deal of effort, but it is a gift to the person who is feeling heard.

When you truly listen, the other person feels valued, important, like they matter. And isn’t that a gift you want to give your partner? It doesn’t cost a thing, but the dividends are priceless. True listening is the encapsulation of love.

Try this exercise, ask your partner a question, then really listen. Don’t get discouraged if your mind wanders for a spell, bring it back and re-focus. Your partner will sense your attentiveness and be ever so grateful.

10. Drop Old Issues

It might sound crazy to bring up past issues and hurts while in an argument, but couples do it all the time. There is no reason to bring up the past. Ask yourself: “What’s the point? What am I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to fix the problem or make it worse?” Old issues have no place in the present. Let them go. Concentrate on the here and now.

The bottom line is: make your relationship stronger, not weaken it.

11. Learn to say “Sorry” and mean it

People make mistakes. It’s good to apologize. Not just a fake apology, but a true, heart-felt apology. Apologies go a long way to repair a broken relationship. If you are in the wrong, say it. Mean it. Make sure the person understands that you are making amends.

You are not going to come off as weak if you say you’re sorry. Not only will you validate your partner’s feelings, you’ll gain respect. More than likely, your partner will say something like, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean that.” Make amends when you need to. Your partner will look at you with the loving eyes you crave.

Final Thoughts

Love is the most beautiful thing on earth. Being loving is the most amazing gift you can give. All the heart flutters, the butterflies in the belly, and the buckling knees, can’t replace genuine loving acts.

Don’t allow your relationship to be fed by simply stringing a set of words together. It takes a great deal more than that. It takes a Commitment, an Action, and a Decision. Done over and over again.

You have everything you need right here. It’s the start you need to make it to the finish line of your relationship. If your relationship has suffered an injury, implement the above tips for a week, a month. See what happens.

– Esther Ijewere™©

Kindly like, follow, share and drop your comments. *winks*

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7 SIGNS YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

An ideal relationship is one of equity, where both partners give and take happily in a positive, healthy dynamic. But maybe you’re having some doubts about your own relationship. Is it really one of reciprocity? Does your partner care for you as much as you care for them?

Unfortunately, differences in commitment levels are far from unusual in relationships. But you and your partner both deserve to be with someone who they share a balanced dynamic with, so you need to make sure you’re not being taken for granted or led on.

Here are 7 Signs Your Partner Doesn’t Care About Your Relationship

1.You hardly interact

How often do you and your partner interact? If they are interested in you beyond a superficial level, they would want to spend as much time as they can with you. This doesn’t mean they won’t be busy or have their own hobbies and commitments. But it does mean that they’d make an effort to see you or at least talk to you very regularly.

Consider;

How often do you go on dates? Is it often many weeks before you see each other in person?

Do you text each other regularly? Or are there long gaps between messages, and many days that you go without speaking?

Do you call each other, especially when you can’t see each other for a while?

How quickly do they respond to your messages or attempts at interaction?

Do they often make last-minute plans, or cancel long-made ones?

If your partner doesn’t seem to want to spend that much time interacting with you, they probably only think of you as a side-fling.

2 – They Avoid Presenting You As a Partner

When you’re with someone you care for, it’s hard not to want to show them off. You proudly announce that this is your girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner. You tag them in cute pictures on social media. You tell others stories about them.

But what if your partner just thinks of you as a fling? They likely won’t want to make others think you’re their partner because they don’t see this as a long-term thing.

A partner who is in it for the long run will:

Be very excited about showing you off to others

Proudly bring you around with them

Introduce you as their partner in a positive way

Tell others about you, even just in passing

Have no problems posting social media photos or statuses that involve you

On the other hand, a partner who doesn’t care about sticking with you will:

Introduce you as a friend or refuse to use committed terms for you

Seem embarrassed by you, as though they don’t want to be seen with you

Never talk about you, ever

Refuse to be open about your relationship on social media

3 – You’ve Never Met Their Friends Or Family

Someone’s friends and family are the people they spend time with. These are the lovely people your partner cares most about. If you were an important part of your partner’s life, they would have decided to introduce you to the other people they love so that their worlds can collide in harmony.

But if your partner doesn’t want you to meet anyone he knows, there’s a good chance that’s because they don’t think it’s necessary. You won’t be around for long enough for the stress and anxiety of these meetings to be worth it, and maybe your partner doesn’t see there being much of a point, to begin with.

4 – You Initiate Everything

No matter what, it seems like you’re always initiating every interaction you have with your partner. They never take the first step, and it’s enough to make anyone wonder if the relationship is a real, committed one. Sadly, the answer is probably “no”. This goes for:

Texts

Calls

Dates

Intimacy

Gestures of affection

Gifts

Your positive thinking may spur you to continue this pattern of repeated and unreciprocated initiation, but be careful. There’s a good chance that they just don’t consider you worth that effort.

5 – Your Interactions Revolve around Physical Intimacy

Does your partner only seem to ring you up for intimate activities, as though you’re a number to casually dial for booty call services? Perhaps you’ve noticed that, no matter what you’re doing, things always slowly devolve into private, steamy exchanges.

This is even more of a red flag if you try to get your partner to do other activities with you outside of the bedroom, but they repeatedly turn you down. It definitely sounds like they’re only interested in intimate activities, and not in being with you in the long run. Sure, intimacy is important in all sexual relationships, but it shouldn’t be all that you do.

6 – They Don’t do Anything for you

Relationships are about give and take, and a healthy one involves plenty of that. More importantly, a positive and committed relationship has both partners making “sacrificial” types of gestures for the betterment of their significant other’s life or happiness.

They don’t have to be big gestures, and you certainly shouldn’t expect a partner to give up everything in their life for you. But there are some common signs of commitment through small sacrifices, including:

Doing things for you that they don’t necessarily enjoy

Changing up their schedule every now and then to be with you

Helping you whittle down small things on your to-do list

Being there for you when you’re feeling down

Offering to help you out with small tasks

Buying you simple but meaningful gifts

Actively trying to make you happy

If your partner refuses to do absolutely anything at all for you, there’s a good chance that they don’t care about you or your relationship.

7 – You Only Seem To Meet at The same Place and time

Couples typically like the process of switching things up every once in a while, and doing the exact same thing can get fairly monotonous and boring. But for some reason, everything about your relationship is monotonous. You meet at the same places every time you do meet, or at the exact same time, or only at night, or even all three.

Why is this a bad sign? Well, it could indicate that your partner doesn’t want to bring you into their life – they just want you to be a regular stop in their daily routine. It sounds nice until you realize that this means you’re not a partner in this situation: you’re a convenient number on a list.

This can also indicate that:

Your partner is hiding something

Your partner doesn’t want to alter their schedule to see you

Or, your partner is meeting with you out of convenience

Of course, jumping to these conclusions quickly is a bad idea, but you should be ready for the unexpected when you bring this up to your partner.

8 – They Don’t Know Much About You (And They Don’t Ask)

Does your partner sometimes feel like a stranger? Do they buy your least favorite chocolate to give you as a gift, even after you’ve told them you dislike it countless times? Do they have no idea what you do for a living? Have they mixed up your hobbies multiple times?

A partner who doesn’t know much about you is probably not interested in finding out more about you and committing it to memory. It’s even worse if they never ask – it truly shows that they have little to no actual interest in you.

This also goes the other way around. A partner who is committed often shares more about themselves with their significant other, according to studies that examine the positive and negative links between self-disclosure and commitment readiness.

9 – They Don’t Talk About The Future

Someone who cares about your relationship and is committed to you will happily discuss the future with you. This doesn’t have to be about marriage or having kids, either (and in most newer relationships, it won’t be!). Instead, you may notice things like:

Your partner talks about his future while including you in it

Your partner seems to naturally include you in all their future plans

Or, your partner expresses a desire to be with you for a long time

Your partner makes plans months in advance with you for vacations, dates, or other events

Your partner is happy to have an open, honest conversation about the direction of your relationship

On the flip side, a partner who completely refuses to talk about the future at all, they probably are not committed to you and don’t care about the relationship nearly as much as you do.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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MICHELLE OBAMA SAYS SHE, HUBBY ATTENDED COUPLE’S THERAPY DURING HARD TIMES

Michelle Obama admitted her marriage was rocky right after the girls were born .

She attended therapy sessions and realised it was not her husband’s responsibility to make her happy.The author added at the end of the day, Obama was her friend and she was reminded why she fell in love with him – The two are now happy and stronger 28 years after walking down the aisle Former US first lady Michelle Obama has admitted not all marriages are perfect and hers too survived the test of time. The mother of two disclosed she and retired president Barrack Obama went through a rough patch right after their girls were born.

One lesson Michelle learned was her happiness was her responsibility and she was also not in charge of her husband’s joy. She also discovered she and the former president were different individuals who needed to celebrate and recognize their uniqueness before focusing on each other.

The former first lady pointed out her marriage was built on friendship and that always reminded her to stick by the man who was her friend before being her partner. “We went through a tough time, we did some hard things together. But now we are out on the other end and I can look at him and I still recognise my husband.

He is still the man I fell in love with,” Michelle added. As earlier reported, the retired FLOTUS said she and her husband also struggled to comfortably transition to empty nesters. After their daughters went off to college, the duo cried and tried their best to embrace their new reality. She also joked about how Obama is a huge cry baby who gets carried away whenever his daughters achieve any milestones like graduating.

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6-Year-Old Nigerian Branded Most Beautiful Girl In The World To Model In London Fashion Week

Most beautiful girl in the world, Jare Ijalana, has nothing but good news two years after going viral .The little girl who is already in London will walk the runway during their fashion week alongside other models – Jare told her young fans through social media that they can achieve anything.

In 2018, a modest Nigerian family identified as the Ijalanas woke up to news that forever changed their lives. A simple photo shoot turned them into instant celebrities and propelled them to greater heights.

Two years later, Jare Ijalana, their daughter, can proudly say she will walk the much coveted London Fashion Week runway. 

In 2018, photographer Mofe Bamuyiwa posted a snippet of sisters Jare, Jomi and Joba without expecting it to cause too much fuss. However, within a couple of hours, she learnt the three girls broke the internet. International news outlets were baffled by the natural, flawless beauty in the photos and tirelessly searched for the three kids.

Jare especially had people thinking she represented perfection and grace. Just shortly after becoming an instant celebrity, the phones started ringing. Jare became a model and gigs started streaming in. Celebrities across the world wished they could meet the little girl even for a day and just stare at her bewitching face for a second.

Big congrats to you young Queen. Go and conquer the world.

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MEET FEMALE TEACHER WHO SPENDS HER LUNCH BREAK SEWING PUPILS’ TORN UNIFORMS

A kindhearted teacher from Ghana has set the bar high for other educators by putting her all in her job. Naomi Awomeh has brought a new meaning to the word service as she always endeavors to leave smiles on her pupils’ faces.

Emmanuel Kobea the selfless lady who works in a small village spends her free days sewing and repairing her learners’ clothes. As if not enough, the kind woman does it all for free.

During her lunch breaks, instead of indulging in a scrumptious meal, the teacher takes out her tools and focuses on stitching and repairing clothes. And while she is busy turning tatters to presentable attire, Naomi teaches her pupils how to stitch. Her story first gained traction on social media when Emmanuel Kobea, a young man who was touched by the kind teacher’s laudable initiative in the school, shared her photo. “One of my daughters in the Lord, Awomeh Naomi teaches at Kubease near Ejisu. She learnt dressmaking during her vacations while in college. She in turn, teaches her pupils needle work and patches their worn out uniforms during breaks,” he wrote.

Do you have a life-changing story you would like us to publish? Please reach us through info@womenofrubies.com

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9 THINGS EVERY MAN LOVES TO HEAR

“Do you know saying the right things to your man could make him love you more”

“Do you know a man respects you more when you say the things he loves to hear”

A Selfless partner should know how to comfort their men with subtle, kind, positive and inspiring words.

If you want to learn how to speak to your partners, then this piece is for you.

Here are 9 things every man loves to hear;

1. “I LOVE YOU!”

Even the toughest man will melt a bit when his partner professes their love for him. They love hearing we love them. Also, they like hugs, kisses and cuddling too. Even a nicely-worded email or text message will work.

2. “YOU’RE THE BEST (DAD/HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND/ETC.)!”

It’s less of an ego-boost as it is a verbalization of respect. It’s a testament to both our efforts and our priorities – which are the woman and her well-being.

3. “I APPRECIATE YOU AS A MAN!”

As stated, men need to feel like men.. It has everything to do with knowing that their partner appreciates something about their character (honesty, integrity, selflessness, etc.) or something else.

4. “I RESPECT YOU!”

As men age, They have less of a need to be recognized for selfish reasons . This feeling is replaced by the need to feel respected out of love. They love feeling admired and respected from the people who love and care about them!

5. “I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO.”

Men need to feel like they are good providers for the people they love. If they believe anything less, they don’t perceive themselves as the man they should be. As such, when they are told that you’re thankful for their hard work, effort, and for providing, it means a tremendous deal to them.

6. “YOU LOOK GREAT!”

This one’s a no-brainer, right? After spending a significant amount in a relationship, they still love hearing that our partner finds them attractive. This is particularly the case if they’ve been putting in some time at the gym. Your compliments serve as a reward for their hard work and as motivation to keep them going.

7. “I TRUST YOU.”

There are fewer things more sacred than trusting someone with your life. When you’re in a relationship, this is an essential truth. Here’s a bit of advice from Georgianna Donadio, Ph.D., “The best time to share your feelings (is) just before or during close intimacy. At that time, levels of oxytocin, a hormone that enhances feelings of trust, love and intimacy, are elevated, making it the best moment to love talk with your partner.”

 8. “I’M LISTENING.”

Men and women communicate very differently. For example, in an argument, a woman is usually more willing to sit down and have a dialogue. The man often feels an inclination to seek solitude to think things over or distract himself. They do love hearing “I’m listening” or “I’m ready to listen when you’re ready to talk” in any case.

9. “THANK YOU.”

Similar to women, men appreciate recognition for efforts small and little. “Thank you” is a straightforward yet powerful phrase that shows them your appreciation for what they do. (Here’s a tip, ladies: if you say “Thank you” on a regular basis for something they do, they are much more likely to do it again.) …Take this from a “Lovina” *winks*

– Esther Ijewere™

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“THE RECEPTION TOWARDS PEOPLE LIVING WITH SICKLE CELL IN THE SOCIETY IS LOW”- OLUWAKEMI OGUNTIMEHIN

At age 18 Oluwakemi Oguntimehin was depressed and got tired of the stigma she faced due to her sickle cell disorder.

She thought she wouldn’t’ live   more than 20 years and saw no reason to wait till then, Kemi attempted suicide twice, got saved and realized she was Indeed  created for a purpose. In her pursuit of purpose and passion to help other  sickle cell warriors she founded Ignite Sickle Cell Initiative.

Oluwakemi Oguntimehin is a sickle cell warrior, a sickle cell advocate, an entrepreneur and change agent. She is giving hope in a not so hopeful society and lending her voice to the voiceless. Kemi shares her very touching and inspiring story with me in this interview.

In her words “Never allow the stigma and discrimination you face to affect your mental health. Accept yourself for who you are, focus on yourself, invest in your personal development ,self care, health , dream and vision”.

Childhood

Growing with sickle cell is not fun,  I was always restricted for fear of being sick, despite that I was mostly sick.  Not knowing what is wrong with me, with hospital turning to my second home, having to take blood transfusion every now and then. While thinking about all these , trying to know what is wrong with my body, since I don’t know about sickle  cell, nobody told me anything not even the Doctor, until I heard my teachers and classmates called me sicklier and treated me differently. On the other side are Pastors who will always come to pray for me in the hospital with revelations that I was a witch, some of this pastor said , I belong to a strong marine spirit group ,other labeled me as Agbana(money sucker) basically saying that I was sent to waste my fathers money on purpose and would only die after I have succeeded in turning him to a poor man.

The stigma and discrimination were every where from  teachers to classmates, to nurses, to  doctors who told my parent to forget me and focus on the other children because I might not live past 18 or 20 years at maximum.

As a young child who just  want to be normal, not restricted, not always using drugs, yet constantly  tongue lash by people to others  calling me witch, who see me as the cause of my problem is something that was beyond me.  Thinking about it now, if only the right information was out there, I think my growing up would have be more easier. To help children living with sickle cell have an easier childhood is the reason I decided to break the silence on sickle cell through the right information. I believe without a rough childhood I might not be passionate about sickle cell awareness. So my growing prepares me for what I do now.

Inspiration behind Ignite Sickle Cell Initiative

The ignorance surrounding sickle cell disorder even among some medical personnel is heart breaking.

Not to talk about the stigma and discrimination people living with sickle cell faced in the society. I see it as  people living with sickle cell are the one who received the blame , the torture of our parents mistake.  Despite the pain and what we passed through, the society still blamed us , some children has been abandoned, some parents refuse to send their children to school because of false beliefs.

I believe people love to learn from other people experience. Using my life and experience to teach people belief on sickle cell will go a long way . No child deserve to be treated badly just because she/he has a genetic disorder. All these inspire me to start Ignite Sickle cell Initiative.

Overcoming Depression

I have been showing symptoms of depression but people don’t care about mental health here. But at age 18, I was greatly depressed.

I was exposed to bullying, stigmatization  and discrimination from child hood friends through my adolescent age. At a point in time, I don’t bother about it again, but getting to university, the bully and discrimination got worse. People were mean to me on purpose, I was treated like I was not human. Imagine you are feeling alone even in the midst of thousand students. From class to hostel. Everyday, I heard people saying it to my face that they pity my parents  who  just wanted to waste their money according to their belief, I would be dead before graduation. Hearing that every day from different  people  add salt to the injury . People seeing me like I was not human, not talking to me, believing I’m less than someone they can talk to or some said my appearance disgust them. I lost all hope and was determined to end my life.  I had two failed suicide attempt and thinking about it now. I’m grateful it failed then. There is more to life beyond the stigma.

Reception since I started my Organization

The reception has been great now, it has improved greatly. Though there is still so much to do but people are learning everyday and the more aware they are, the more the reception they give. We still have a long way to go but It can only get better.

Challenges people living with sickle cell face

The challenges people living with sickle includes, frequent painful crisis that can happen anytime,

Complications from anaemia, to Avascular necrosis that can make some people to be on wheel chair or bedridden, stroke, organs damage and so many more. Apart from the health challenges, there is also stigma and discrimination, where many are denied job opportunity just because they live with sickle cell.  Some are even fired because they are often sick.

Also due to the nature of the disorder, a lot of money are require for sickle cell management  with a lot of people not working and even those who work has to spend majority of their money on drugs and hospital bill. With the current situation of our economy and health, where we have to pay for everything and every services, a lot of parents can’t afford the management,  some are in debt, while some parents neglected some children believing it is better they die.

Other Projects

Other projects includes organizing rural community outreach to educate the communities dwellers and also conduct free genotype test for children ( 0 to 10 years ). One thing is early intervention in sickle cell is needed to reduce high mortality in children living with sickle cell through our Be-Aware campaign.

We also have project X- Campaign where we create awareness in school  both secondary schools and higher institution.

We also give out free routine drugs to people living with sickle cell in monthly basis which we call our “Wellness Clinic”

Apart from Ignite Sickle cell ,  other project is to help people to be confidence in who they are, using their story to change  narrative.  When we are constantly bullied, it affects our self esteem As someone who has  battled low self esteem.  I know the importance of having  a great self esteem. Though a lot of people living with sickle cell battles with low self- esteem though this problem is not peculiar to only  people living with sickle cell. It affect majority of woman and  men too.  To help others who has low self esteem, I have written a book  ,  is will be  available in eBook  as from next month which means distant is never a barrier to get as long as you are on the internet. The book is to help a lot of  people build their self esteem and Become Unstoppable in achieving their goals and vision.

The role the society Play

The reception towards people living with sickle cell in the society is low, unacceptance in terms of marriage, some parents will never allow their son to marry  someone living with sickle cell. Some men think they are doing you a favor by dating you and use that as means to abuse.

People still believe women living with sickle cell can’t give birth and some believe living with sickle cell makes you a lesser woman thus making some women living with sickle cell to hide their truth. They will rather do what they can’t do just to hide the fact that they live with sickle cell.

I think things are getting better though and will always get better.

Challenges of being a Social Entrepreneur

The major challenge is funding. Getting funding from individual and corporate sponsors is not very easy.

In Nigeria , so many people believe you must be rich to be a social entrepreneur and with this mentality, people want you to pay high prices for some things, some even believe the government or some big politicians are the one funding you.  Volunteering is just becoming a thing now and many people want to be paid for volunteering their time because to them you are rich and wealthy.

As a social entrepreneur, I often encounter people who belief sickle cell is not an issue and advise me to change my course to HIV or something else. Some people also think I’m too small to start a social enterprise.

Impact of my work

Average of 100 children has being receiving free routine drugs every month, Our community medical outreaches has reach 6 rural communities  which has impacted over 6,000 individuals directly, Awareness in secondary and higher institutions reaching over 2000 people, 20 people hospital bills has been paid  and Online awareness reaching thousands of people

Being a Woman of Rubies

My impact to change the norms around sickle cell also helping people to be confident in who they are using their story to impact lives makes me a woman of rubies.

To my Parents and those who stood by me through thick and thin

I want to use this medium to appreciate my parents, who never abandon me and believe in me despite everything people said to them. I remembered people told my dad that he shouldn’t bother sending me to University, but they believe I’m a gift to them.

Also I will like to appreciate Chief  Bisi Ogunjobi for his unending support. I remember when we needed a place for our monthly clinic, not only did he give us a building but also furnished it. Thank you for supporting all our outreaches and our monthly clinic every time.

To women living with sickle cell

To women living with sickle cell, Never allow the stigma and discrimination you face to affect your mental health. Accept yourself for who you are, focus on yourself, invest in your personal development ,self care, health , dream and vision. Enjoy life.  Your pain and scars are the evidence that you are a survivor and a warrior.  Believe in yourself that you can achieve anything despite the pain because I believe in you. If I can do it, then you can do it.

 

 

 

 

 

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9 SIGNS A MAN LIKES YOU (BUT IS AFRAID TO SAY IT)

“Do you feel a guy likes you but he is afraid to say it”? This article is just for you!

Some men are shy like that, they will do everything and anything to please you, while acting like you are just a friend. Lol.

The dating scene is tough to navigate. It’s especially difficult when you have to try to read someone and figure out whether they actually like you or not. The fact that lots of people can be cripplingly shy about their attraction definitely doesn’t help matters!

Luckily, no matter how cautious someone is, they’re sure to let slip a few tell-tale signs that indicate their interest. Though they can differ from person to person, for the most part, they’re pretty reliable!

1.   He Jokes about liking you!

It’s not unusual for someone to fear rejection. In fact, it’s very natural. As such, a man who is afraid you aren’t interested and will turn him down may try to test the waters and gauge your reaction to a suggestion that he might like you. He may do this by making jokes about:

Having a crush on you

Going out on a date with you

Calling you his girlfriend or boyfriend

Doing something romantic together

The reason he may tell these jokes is so that if your reaction to them is not positive, he can just laugh it off and play it like a harmless, innocent joke, avoiding awkwardness and saving face.

Depending on whether you want this guy to like you or not, tailor your reactions to be clear and concise so he understands them. React negatively if you’re not interested, and positively if you are. Usually, all you have to do in this scenario if you want him to ask you out is to just react well, and after a few of these jokes, he’ll make the leap and say them for real.

2.   His body language

Body language speaks much louder than verbal language in many cases. That’s why communication, on the whole, is just as much about nonverbal language as it is about the words you say.

There are a number of ways that body language can be one of the biggest signs a man likes you. To begin with, pupil dilation is a very quick and easy way to see if someone likes you, or at least likes your appearance. Pupils dilate when they see something pleasing, after all.

Here are a bunch of other body language signs that you can take note of, such as:

An open facial expression (parted lips, slightly flared nostrils, slightly raised eyebrows)

Touching his face while looking at you

Open arms, not crossed

Facing you with his whole body

Leaning in towards you

Fidgeting with hair

A quick eyebrow raise and lower

Smoothing clothing

Playing with buttons

Fiddling or pulling socks

Spread legs when seated and facing you

Standing with legs at hip-width apart, hands on hips

Sitting on the edge of a seat

Standing straight, chest puffed, shoulders back

“Accidental” light touching

Doing big or loud motions to attract your attention

3.   He appears Jealous, even though he hides it

When you like someone and they don’t know about it, it’s easy to get jealous when other people interact with them. The same is true for most men. As such, if you speak to other people who suit your sexual orientation, flirt with them, or spend time with them, you might notice that the man you’re wondering about gets agitated or angry.

Of course, if this man is a good person, they’ll likely not admit their jealousy and won’t let it get out of hand. Jealousy, after all, is not a very positive emotion and can be toxic. But you might still be able to notice his gritted teeth and demeanor changes when he sees you with someone else.

4.   His Friends know who you are

If you hang out with this guy and his friends and they all seem to know about you, then it’s pretty easy to figure out that the man in question has been talking about you to his buddies. This means he’s likely talked about you, his interest in you, or shared some of his thoughts or feelings about you with them.

Think about it – when you’ve got a crush, don’t you tell your close friends, too? Men do the same, and even shy guys are likely to share their attraction to you with those they trust.

5.   You catch him staring

A man infatuated can’t help looking at the person he’s into. He wants to watch everything they do and admires their subtle actions and movements easily. So if you continually catch a man staring, even just quick, subtle glances, there’s a good chance that he’s into you.

Usually, when you meet the eyes of a man staring at you, he’ll quickly avert his gaze and pretend he wasn’t even looking. This is because he’s frightened of being caught, and isn’t ready to reveal his feelings for you yet. He’ll pretend to be busy, quickly glance at his phone or out the window, and basically look like someone putting on a very unconvincing act!

But, if a man lets you see that he’s staring at you, he’s already flirting with you! At that point, it’s on you to either encourage or discourage the interactions to achieve the end-goal you desire.

It’s difficult not to notice when someone’s eyes are tracking you. The human brain is actually capable of feeling an odd sensation when someone’s gaze won’t leave us, alerting us of what’s going on. Use this positive sixth-sense of sorts to determine whether that guy is watching you!

6.   He acts anxious or nervous

If someone is usually confident and smooth but acts nervously around you, then it’s a sign that they feel something special for you. If he’s usually relaxed and laid-back but becomes high-strung and fidgety whenever you’re around, that’s a pretty good indicator that he likes you!

How can you tell if someone is nervous? Here are some common nervous behaviors that he may exhibit:

A cracking, dry voice

Lots of throat-clearing

Fidgeting with any nearby object

Forgetting information

Blushing

Pacing around or swaying from side to side

Shrinking away or “escaping” the situation

Freezing up

7.   He gives you mild compliments

When someone gives you big compliments, they are being open and honest, and likely aren’t trying to hide anything. They aren’t worried about coming on too strong because they might not be coming onto you at all.

But when a man gives you very small, subtle compliments, it’s often because they’re being extra careful. They’re afraid to tell you that they like you and therefore are giving you “safe” compliments that won’t result in awkwardness or embarrassment if you turn them down. Examples include:

You look nice.

You’re a really good listener.

That’s a nice shirt/skirt/dress.

You did well on that project.

It’s fun hanging out with you!

You’re pretty cool.

You’re really good at (insert hobby or talent).

I like what you’ve done with your hair.

8.   He smiles alot around you

When a man feels good around you, he’s more likely to fall for you. Of course, feeling good also means you’re more likely to be in a good mood. So, if a man is feeling warm and fuzzy inside, they’re sure to let it show on their face through generous smiles. It’s a totally natural and positive reaction!

Of course, do note that smiling doesn’t always refer to happiness – but you can’t deny that someone ecstatic to see you will be grinning from ear to ear! A lot of times, a man who likes you but is afraid to say it will try to dampen his smile or make it less obvious so his feelings aren’t found out.

As such, it’s important that you pay attention to how the smiling occurs. Does this guy smile all the time? Is he usually serious, but now has a bit of a grin? Does he look like he’s trying not to smile too much? Take note!

9.   He Somehow Always Manages To Spend Some Time With You

Someone who likes you is going to want to spend time with you. That’s just how it works. After all, being with that person makes you feel good, so it’s only natural to want to increase those feelings.

Of course, we’re not talking about stalking or predatory behavior. We’re referring to the ways that someone will try to see you as often as he can!

If a man likes you but is afraid of showing it, he will find any and every excuse possible to hang out with you. He just happens to be around you a lot, or chooses or be in close quarters with you. He might:

Decide to attend an event because he knows you’re going

Join your table during meals

Seem to have something to say to you often

Stop by your table/desk/place of work often, even if it’s just for a few minutes

Give you his full attention whenever he is around you

“Bump into you” fairly often

There is more…

When someone is trying to hide their feelings, it can be tough to decipher them and figure out whether or not they’re into you. One or two of these 9 signs a man likes you on very rare occasions may not indicate a serious crush, but several of them exhibited often certainly point to that!

What is there to do next? Well, if you aren’t interested, make it clear. But if you are, then why not make the first move? Waiting it out is a fine option, but it’s definitely a slow one, and sometimes you have to learn to take a leap of faith. So get your positive thinking going and just go for it!

Esther Ijewere™©

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10 SIGNS OF A JEALOUS MAN

It’s hard to make a relationship stronger when your man is often negative. You must recognize the signs that he’s jealous and controlling early on. Don’t invest too much time in a non-productive partnership. If you find that he exhibits behaviors like these ten, you might need to find a new one before valentine :

1. He doesn’t call you, text you, or respond when you’re out with girlfriends.

It’s his way of showing you that he resents the time you spend with others because you’re not with him. If he isn’t happy, then he doesn’t want you to be happy. Like anything else in life that feels overwhelming, the feeling of being ignored when you’re doing something that makes you happy is not acceptable.

2. He won’t admit when he feels jealous, but he will withhold affection.

Sometimes he’ll refuse to be intimate, especially after he started a fight. It feels like he’s making you pay twice for his poor choice of behavior instead of accepting responsibility for his actions. You can tell if he really loves you by the way he looks at you.

3. He often makes excuses for not taking you out.

He doesn’t want you where you’ll attract attention from single men. If there is something he doesn’t want to do with you, then do it alone. Don’t let him hold you back or make you regret not doing things that make you happy. You are the one who decides how to live your best life!

4. He wants to decide the mood for both of you.

He will work hard to adjust any plans to be in control, and he will sabotage things he doesn’t want to do. When he’s feeling up, he expects you to feel the same. When he’s feeling down, he expects you to be miserable. You don’t get to have a say in what you do with your time together because he’s in control.

5. He will take steps to avoid being alone with you.

It’s hard for him to overcome jealousy. The underlying problem could be that you have both gotten into a boring intimacy pattern and he doesn’t want to admit it. You could spice things up and increase both of your libidos by trying something new, like taking tango lessons.

6. If you are in a really good mood, he cuts you down.

Or, he brings up something negative to change your mood. You know that positive thinking, especially daily meditation, will lower your stress levels. Even when you haven’t done anything wrong, he feels better about himself by bringing you down. This is because he suffers from low self-esteem or another personal problem that has nothing to do with your relationship. He is the jealous type, and his insecurities affect many of the days you spend together.

7. He resists your positive influences.

You can pray for him and wish him positive thoughts, but he should fix himself. You want him to overcome jealousy, but he enjoys being miserable. When you suggest taking a walk on the beach together, he says, “No, I’ll just stay home in my boxers and watch UFC. No fun today.”

8. To make you feel jealous, he pays attention to other women.

He often looks at them, flirts with them, and adds them to his Facebook or Snapchat. However, whenever this happens, you aren’t “allowed” to feel jealous. If you try it, he gets livid.

9. He leaves the restaurant if you talk to another guy.

He doesn’t give you a chance to explain that you are reconnecting with a long-lost friend or a college study partner.

10. He makes up details about past boyfriends.

You hate this because he does it in front of friends, colleagues, or members of the family. If he wasn’t insecure, he wouldn’t judge you for the past. A boyfriend who loves you will not use anything you might have shared to embarrass you.

Esther Ijewere™©

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