In the past few weeks, we have witnessed a situation that has not only put the world at a standstill but also affected families and businesses. Many can’t afford to put food on the table as a result of the global lockdown to help contain the virus.
Agro Entrepreneur Ibenero Tobiloba Tolase is helping to alleviate the pain of many by providing them with food and giving them hope through her Teemark Food Company; where she produces and processes raw foods such as (Garri Ijebu, Yam flour and plantain flour).
With support from well meaning Nigerians she’s been able to feed over 200 families in light of the Coronavirus pandemic, as they partner with her to package foodstuff under four thousand Naira to feed each family in a bid to give hope, pending when things go back to normal.
The graduate of Pure and Applied chemistry from Ladoke Akintola University of Technology (LAUTECH) was inspired by her love for Agriculture and passion for food which started when She was young. Tobi loved seeing the smiles on people’s faces when they eat good quality food.
Aside from Agricuulture, Tobi is also passionate about issues that affects women and young girls, through her Girlscrib initiative , she helps sensitise women and teenage girls on the importance of menstrual health. This initiative also distributes sanitary pads to secondary school girls
She is the Creative Director of JEMBRIDALS, a bridal outfit. a one stop bridal shop for traditional wedding and asoebi and also volunteers for PROJECT SMILE, an NGO that reaches out to the orphans all over Nigeria.
She shares her inspiring story in this interview.
Growing up
My childhood was fun and I am glad I had a mother is filled with wisdom and taught me all I know today, I am the eldest of two children and was trained well in all area not because I am a girl but because I would be a leader some day. One thing that was constant in our home was food to give to friends and families. My mum always told us never look the other way when people around you have nothing to eat and that lesson is what is guiding me till date.
Inspiration behind Teemarkfoods
Good food! My love for food and Agriculture inspired Teemarkfood. One of the ways I feel fulfilled is seeing people have access to quality food and which has been my mantra since I was a child.
Reception since Inception
It is a learning process, but I am grateful to God for wisdom to discern the pros and cons of the business. People have been very supportive and accepting of my initiative.
Support for Female Agropreneurs
Well, we are not there yet but times are changing we will get there eventually. We are not backing down, we will keep pushing till we are are at the front burner and recognised for our efforts as change agents.
Giving hope to those affected by the lockdown
There was a point in my life when we had nothing to eat as a family, it was a very difficult time and with that understanding, knowing that there are families out there who do not have anything to feed on but might be reluctant to ask from friends and families, the next thing I thought of was reaching out to them first.
Effect of the Lockdown and Coronavirus on Agropreneur
Honestly I would say transportation getting the food from one place to the other so people access to it easily, but we are doing our best to give hope and lighten the burden of people, we are also calling on well meaning Nigerians to help alleviate the pain of these people by partnering with us through her platform to feed more people.
Challenges of being an Agro Entrepreneur
Financial challenges: Agro Entrepreneurs not having Access to loans and enough capital to improve and increase the productivity.
Transportation: Government should help reduce charges and fees paid on farm produce that are transported from farm to urban areas
Education: sensitisation of our local farmers on technology and its advantages on agriculture is also very important because it makes the production faster and delivery to consumers quick.
Other projects and activities
I am working on a project called “Girlscrib” this is an NGO for women and teenage girls, the project will help Educate women on menstrual health and also provide sanitary pads to secondary school girls.
Being a Woman of Rubies
I believe I carry greatness within me and I am on a journey to transfer that greatness into each and everyone I come across by spreading love.
To young women who want to become Agro Entrepreneurs
I would say this first, Trust God to use you as a vessel for greatness, believe strongly in your self and lastly stay focus. When you have these three you become unstoppable.
Two days ago a sister shared a very sad story of how her toxic Ex- husband set her up with another man in a bid to break and destroy her. She’d gone all the way into the relationship before she realized it was all game and no love.
A toxic relationship has the ability to surface in any type of relationship such as with a significant other, a child, a parent, a co-worker or even a best friend. For your mental and physical health, it is essential that you get rid of toxic relationship situations in your life as quickly as possible.
It is important to keep your eyes open to red flags as toxic relationships can have serious and severe consequences. Some of such consequences can be to your long-term health.
Once you get rid of toxic relationship circumstances, your life will quickly begin to head in a positive direction, your self-confidence will return, you will begin to succeed at work, your other relationships will return to ones of positivity and you will feel happier each day.
Here are 10 signs that you need to get rid of toxic relationship people in your life:
1.CONTROLLING TENDENCIES
Do you feel as though you cannot express your opinions without this person having a bad emotional reaction? They will attempt to control the way you think, as well as the things you do and the people with whom you spend time. They will also make fun of you to make you feel bad.
Some ways to break free from such individuals is to create a support system, ask for help, establish goals to get rid of toxic relationship circumstances and follow through in the end.
2.YOU FEEL THREATENED
You can feel threatened in a number of ways. You might feel threatened to lose your identity. You might feel threatened by a third party in a jealous manner. Or, you might feel threatened in a more dangerous manner. If you ever question your safety, get out immediately.
You should never be made to feel intimidated or threatened in a physical manner. This is unacceptable, and you should tell someone. Do not hesitate to involve the authorities.
3.SO MUCH DRAMA
Too much drama is not constructive and results in a toxic relationship. Examples of excessive drama include game playing, an open-ended relationship status, wondering eyes, not cleaning up after one’s self, being jealous, constant gossiping, neediness and emotional unavailability.
A little drama can be directly related to passion; however, if the drama never stops, it is likely unhealthy and time to walk away.
4.ISOLATION
If an individual wishes to remove you from all other relationships in your life, this type of isolation is toxic. The person will do everything in their power to remove you from your support system so they can control you even further.
It is important to be mindful of whether or not it is you or your partner trying to isolate you from the people in your life. Some people unknowingly disappear when they start a relationship without influence from their partner, and this is not necessarily toxic.
5.EVERYTHING IS A COMPETITION
A toxic relationship based on competition is often found in work relationships and friendships; however, they can also occur in romantic partnerships and with family members. These people never actually listen to you and they will constantly try to one-up you in every aspect of your life.
6.POWER STRUGGLE
It is possible that you are both contributors to the toxicity of the relationship in some way. This is the result of a power struggle by both parties. When a person feels powerless in a relationship, they will often lash out in a demanding way as a method of overcompensation.
This dynamic can occur in all relationships from a child and a parent to interactions between co-workers. Sometimes, the reaction is based on another person attempting to control the other; whereas, in other circumstances, the lashing out is a self-imposed powerless feeling.
7.YOU ARE EXHAUSTED
An unhealthy relationship can be entirely exhausting. You might feel depleted and emotionally drained from arguing, walking on eggshells or hoping you do not encounter the toxic individual.
These people can be anyone from a co-worker who constantly tries to undermine or demean your accomplishments or an in-law who likes to cause trouble. If you are simply exhausted from speaking or encountering these people, you are likely in a toxic relationship.
8.LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Are you typically a confident individual in most situations, yet with that certain someone you often feel bad about yourself after you spend time together? If so, you need to get rid of toxic relationship people who give you low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem in a relationship can cause you to perceive the relationship differently than its reality. It can cause you to behave differently than normal and even make you paranoid or insecure
9.BELITTLING
Belittling may not seem like a big deal; however, it absolutely is a big deal and should be dealt with as soon as possible. When someone is intentionally, or unintentionally, putting your down, it is not okay.
This type of toxicity is typically regarded as emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse does not have to be physical to cause lasting damage and should never be tolerated.
10.SELF-SABOTAGE
You or the other person in your relationship may be deliberately or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship for a number of reasons. Someone may feel the relationship has run its course. They may feel highly insecure about the relationship. Or, it could be a reaction to past experiences.
11.LACK OF TRUST
Trust is difficult for some people. Whether you have been wronged in relationships in the past or you have a feeling that the person in your current relationship is not trustworthy, you cannot move forward if you do not have trust.
Personal power plays a big part in our ability to be successful and happy. It also helps us get what we want, feel safe, and remain confident that we are playing a part in this world and not that the world is playing us.
People with personal power don’t need to shout about what they want, and they rarely make people feel inadequate or unappreciated. They have a way of being comfortable in their own skin, believing what they believe, and confidently saying their own opinions while being able to respect and honour others without feeling threatened.
This makes them best placed to serve their goals. It also makes them great leaders, great colleagues, and stable friends and loved ones.
There are several things you can do to begin the process of developing your personal power. Try these to get you started.
1.Stop Stressing
Stressing that something is not working the way it has for others just further reduces your power, making you feel more powerless, worthless and not in control. Learn to accept that not everything is in your power. People that get stressed by bad weather, for example, are often good at reducing their own power – they’re so busy concentrating on the grey day that they forget all the things they actually do have control over.
2.Learn to Listen
In a world filled with thoughts and opinions and ideas, it can be hard to distinguish between our own thoughts and someone else’s. Learn to notice where thoughts come from.
3.Practice Confidence
When you learn to listen to yourself and what you feel, you can easily be rocked into dropping your new ideas if you lack confidence. Confidence may very well be the underlying power to all of our happiness and success in life.
When it comes to personal power, when your confidence drops, your power can, too.
Failure, unkind comments, passive aggressive work colleagues, bad days, and lost opportunities should not permanently affect your confidence.
4.Have Fun
If you love dancing, paintball, surfing, or yoga, don’t let it disappear out of your life. Many clients have found positive changes in their professional lives just by reintroducing the things they love. We are quick to drop these things when we are mega busy, but don’t. It can have long term repercussions.
5.Accept Failure
Personal power can be hard to hold onto when you face failure. However, if you ever need a boost, look up all of the amazing inventions, companies, discoveries and opportunities that have come out of failure.Don’t fear failure, embrace it. It is only truly failure if you learn nothing from it.
Personal power is more than being an influencer. It’s about accepting that you have a positive influence on people and accepting your power to do so without abusing that power.
Personal power can be seen in confidence and a level of self acceptance that others are quick to recognize.
When you embrace your personal power, it will likely have an impact on:
Your work
Your personal life
Your goals.
Your friends
Your business colleagues
Your happiness
Your health
When you find your personal power, own it. It helps us all experience a real world.
With the deadly Lassa and Coronaviruses currently in the country, there is need to ensure that our children’s immune system are in good shape. For children; their immune systems are just like an antivirus warning message; it’s needs an update every so often, says Ifeyinwa Omesiete, a Pediatric nutrition consultant based in Lagos.
Mostly because children are explorers and are more susceptible to many illnesses as their immune system isn’t strong enough to fight a lot of infections. Between the ages of zero to six years, the average child would have had over 20 different cold/viral infection cases (this is excluding bacterial infections). This number may seem alarming but it’s expected and that is why building their immune system needs to be at the top of every parents to-do list.
According to Omesiete, there are three major but simple ways to boost the immunity of any child. They may seem ordinary but with consistency; they have proven to be very effective.
Water Intake: From the first day of life, every child is exposed to fluids; be it breast milk or formula. The reason is mainly because the body is made up of at least 70 per cent of water, you should also ensure proper circulation of blood and nutrients; the body’s water content needs to be maintained. Between six months to a year, the minimum water intake should be 250-500ml daily. Between one to two years, every child should consume at least 750ml of water. Ages two to four years, at least a liter of water, and from four years upwards, at least two liters of water. Low water intake can decrease oxygen flow throughout the body and it also decreases the effective removal of toxins from the body which overtime can weaken the immune system. One of the easiest ways to get any child to drink water is by setting the example. So, as a parent, drink more water in the presence of your children and keep drinking water accessible and in plain sight.
Spirulina: Spirulina is a natural blue green algae (cyanbacteria) that is an incredible source of absorbable nutrients. When harvested correctly from non-contaminated ponds and bodies of water, it is one of the most potent nutrient sources available. Taking about half a teaspoon spirulina daily is the equivalent of 1 egg or ½ a banana or 300ml of Milk. Spirulina is a complete protein and an excellent source of Vit A, B12, B2, B3, Iron, Zinc and Omega 6 fatty acids. It provides the body with antioxidants, which are key in reducing oxidative stress and inflammation in the body. Simply put, what you cannot get your child to eat in their diet, spirulina will do the trick.
Fruits and vegetables: This is almost cliché, but not to be taken for granted. A lot of health professionals educate parents about the importance of fruits and vegetables in a child’s diet but let’s look at this from a nutritionist’s standpoint. A daily serving of a variety of fruits and vegetables provides fiber for proper digestion of foods, phytonutrients like beta-carotene which turn into Vit A in the body, and Minerals like Iron which increase the absorption of Vit C in the body to fight infections.
A missed serving causes a decline in the nutrients listed above which when they are depleted begin to deplete other nutrients like Zinc, potassium, calcium and so on. That’s why when a child who lacks these nutrients is exposed to a virus or bacteria; quickly gets infected and doesn’t have strong immune cells to fight. For children who do not like vegetables; there can be blended or juiced with fruits. They can also be made into popsicles or even baked. The trick is to get creative with the approach of serving them.
In conclusion, Omesiete said that every child deserves a fighting chance against infections and with these three ways, every parent is sure of kicking their child’s immune system up a notch.
Everybody has their childhood fantasies and most often than not, life offers other choices, which often take by hook or by crook. For one of Nigeria’s most popular and prosperous body and sex therapist, Deborah Erioluwapo Ajayi, the Chief Executive Officer of Omoshola’s Place, her passion overtook her fantasy.
Her fantasy was to be a medical doctor but her passion which was fueled by entrepreneurial flame burned through to the surface. So, rather than being a doctor, she’s a sex therapist and an entrepreneur of note. She recounts her story in a recent interview.
“While growing up whenever I was asked what I wanted to be in future, I would always say a medical doctor. But later I got a strong conviction that entrepreneurship is a better path for me. I actually strived to be a doctor and in 2016/2017 I got admitted into Bingham University where I was studying Medical Physiology, but schooling there was quite expensive hence I dropped as the school and its environs couldn’t encourage my career.
“I was paying over a million naira per session. I felt it was too expensive. I had a savings of 700,000 in 2018 and decided to invest it in my business rather than waste my time in school.
“I said to myself my first outlet will be in Maitama, Abuja. I went round and saw a place for 4,500,000 yearly (extreme) but I wanted it. I spoke to the management and pleaded for them to allow me pay monthly. I drove from Abuja to Jos where the landlord was based to explain myself and my vision. He saw me as a kid and encouraged me by accepting my terms (This was the push I needed). After paying 500,000 I had less than 200,000 left and I needed to fit the salon.
“I went to the popular Wuse market in Abuja and took equipment on credit and promised to pay back and due date, I knew I was going beyond my boundaries but this is what I wanted. I was a debtor for months, I sold my first car (Honda accord 2002) to pay salaries and settle debts. The first few months were horrible as my income in a month was 15,000 or less and I needed to pay four staff 30,000 each. I had enough reason to give up, but no, I didn’t,” she said.
That was the birth of Omoshola’s Empire which houses other concerns like HBG Beauty Salon and Cloud 11 Beauty Salon, among others.
The Omoshola’s Place Chief Executive Officer sells aphrodisiacs with a touch of spiritualism. She also owns a farm in Karu area of the Federal Capital Territory where she rears livestock. She owns a body enhancement spa in Maitama area of Abuja as well as a salon and body spa in Dubai known as HBG Beauty Lounge at the Dubai Investment Park. And recently she launched the biggest African salon and spa in Dubai (Jumeirah).
Deborah Erioluwapo Ajayi was born on July 11, 1996. She’s a native of Ijero local government area of Ekiti State but raised in Ojota, Lagos State.
She attended Victory Home School, Lagos where she finished her primary education. At 9 years of age, she left for Abuja to join her dad and attended Junior Secondary School, Apo and concluded secondary education at the Government Girls Science Secondary School, Kuje, Abuja.
She also attended several high institutions in Nigeria but never finished until she relocated to Dubai where she’s currently a part-time student in IMT Business School, Dubai, UAE.
She shuttles between Abuja and Dubai to run her empire of businesses.
Who we marry is one of the most important decisions in life. One that will influence the level of happiness, growth, and success, like no other choice. However, the concept of marriage has taken a new turn in the last couple of years, as we’ve witnessed not only high rate of divorce and separation, but partners devising violent methods to end their marriage. Modupe Ehirim is changing that narrative through her Right Fit Marriage Academy, where she works with men and women to become persons that their spouses look forward to coming home too.
Using The Right Fit Marriage Program, Modupe Ehirim guides married people to intentionally design and build healthy and long-lasting marriages. She is a Certified SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) Facilitator. The SYMBIS Assessment gives you a personalized road map to making your marriage everything it was meant to be. She is also a Certified Family Systems Engineering Practitioner. The Network of FSE Practitioners comprises professionals who work to restore dignity to human relationships in marriage, parenting and family life.
Modupe has varied experiences. She graduated with First Class Honours in Chemical Engineering from University of Ife (now Obafemi Awolowo University) in 1980. She then worked for with the Central Bank of Nigeria (Building and Engineering Services) for seventeen years before setting up a retail book business which she operated for thirteen years. She has served on the National Executive Committees of two business membership organisations Christian Booksellers Association Nigeria (CBAN) and NECA’ss Network of Entrepreneurial Women (NNEW). She is currently a member of the board of OASIS International, Publishers of the Africa Study Bible.
She mentors young people, helping them to chart their lives’ paths. She is also the Counsellor on the popular weekly Relationship and Marriage Show, Make We Talk Am on WaZoBia 95.1 FM Radio. She is happily married to Boniface, her husband of over thirty-four years, and together four lovely children. In her words “ I grew up in a family where relationships were considered really important”.
Childhood Preparation
I grew up in a family where relationships were considered really important. I was privileged to see my parents courageously addressing difficult issues with one another and with other family members. My mum in particular used every opportunity to teach us interpersonal skills and help us use these skills in practical ways. When I told my parents, I wanted to marry someone from a different ethnic group, my mother went out to make several inquiries about this group and the culture and practices. She shared her findings with me and took time to help me to understand the long term implications of what I wanted to do. Her goal wasn’t to frighten me. Rather she wanted me to go into my marriage with a full understanding of what an inter ethnic marriage involved.
I remember her saying, “When you go to the village, and your inlaws are speaking their language, don’t assume they’re gossiping about you. You don’t understand what they are saying.
Working in the banking sector for almost 2 decades and pitching my tent in the relationship management sector
I’m an engineer by training, so I can say I’ve had a lifelong interest in how things work, investigating causes and effects. I approached different phases of my life – marriage, parenting, career, friendships, faith – with curiosity as to what is required to succeed in each phase. At each point, I would do a lot of reading and research into these issues and come up with systems, structures and processes that I could use to build the fabric of relationships. In the society we live in, people tend to approach these things from an emotional or religious standpoint and while there is nothing wrong with that, I wanted to ensure I approached things from an intellectual standpoint as well. So even while I worked in the bank and across other sectors, I was simultaneously building capacity in managing relationships. But as I matured in age and had to optimize my time and energy, I decided to focus my effort on giving back and sharing all of the knowledge and experience I had gathered. And the relationship management sector was where I saw the most need and where I felt I could have the most impact.
Vital lessons from my 30 years plus marriage
Fundamentally, people are different. They have different origins, life experiences and exposure. Expectedly, perspectives on important issues are different. Conflict simply means that we have different perspectives on issues that are of significant value to both of us. It is important to always stand in your partner’s shoes and look at issues through their eyes so you can also understand their intentions and not just their actions. As our people say, there are many roads to the market. So the aim is not to insist that your partner takes the route you know, the aim is to ensure that you help them get to the market regardless. And when there is conflict, the aim should not be proving you are right to win arguments, but communicating patiently to ensure that both parties goals are aligned.
Being a Certified SYMBIS Facilitator, and its impact on marriages and domestic relationships
SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) is one of the tools Family Life Practitioners use in their work. It is a diagnostic tool that helps new couples flag and lower their risk factors and also helps them optimize their combined strengths as a couple. It does this by assessing everything from psychological wellbeing to revealing how their combined personalities can be leveraged for optimal success. As a SYMBIS Facilitator, I use the report generated from the assessment to guide couples through honest discussions in which they level their expectations of marriage and of themselves and come up with a personalised strategy for growing a healthy marital relationship. We also have the SYMBIS+ for couples who are already married but who want to improve their relationship.
Inspiration behind MOE Advisory Limited
Some six years ago, I observed that many people came to social media to seek guidance in dealing with various marriage and relationship issues. I was alarmed at the nature of advice that was shared without consideration for the total context of issues being treated. I thought that it wasn’t enough to complain and decided to set up a platform where such requests for guidance will be treated from a principle-based perspective. The online platform has now grown to over 11,000 members across 81 countries. Furthermore, I came to realise that a lot of the issues my members faced were not limited to conflict in marriage but rather a general lack of emotional intelligence in dealing with human relationships. So from then on I started providing advisory on relationship management beyond marriage, extending into the corporate space. I was privileged to work at the Central Bank of Nigeria for two decades so I have a wide range of corporate experience managing and being managed by people. I also channelled this experience to help my members navigate relationships with teammates, subordinates and superiors at work. My vision is to help build an emotionally intelligent workforce.
Challenges “New school” folks face when engaging with the older generation in the workplace and how can they manage it properly
Times have changed. Most people my age grew up, socialized, married and worked in the same communities with people who shared similar life experiences to them. With the new school, their reality is a lot more different. Their social experience is a lot more diverse and also a lot more digital. And because of that both parties often approach the same issues with very different perspectives informed. This often leads to conflict. To manage this properly, the new school workforce has to understand the social paradigms of the older generation and the limitations this imposes on them. They need to understand that, most of the time, the root cause of the perceived differences is more ignorance than spite. And then, they have to be proactive and consider ways they can bridge the gap from a position of empathy, to educate and interact with the older generation in an emotionally intelligent manner.
Being a relationship counsellor and social Entrepreneur
Getting people to understand that the other person isn’t always the problem. A lot of people are quick to see the problem in their colleagues actions but not self aware enough to see how they could react and communicate better in certain situations. I think this stems from our inability to be vulnerable, to look in the mirror and admit our shortcomings. Then beyond that, there’s the perception of shame that comes with seeking out help. So most people tend to take the easy way out, to pretend there is no issue while keeping up appearances. As a relationship counsellor, it becomes a challenge to solve problems that people aren’t willing to admit they have.
And as a social entrepreneur, the major challenge is the poor infrastructure. I offer personalised sessions to working class clients and so a lot of these sessions have to be held remotely via social media which may not be the most reliable due to electricity and internet shortcomings. Also, there’s the cultural problem where people don’t perceive advisory as something they should pay for because they are used to getting free counselling from church or family members. And even when people are willing to pay, there’s a limit to how a lot of clients can pay due to their low financial capacity.
On young people being informed on the purpose of building strong interpersonal relationships
No, I don’t think they are. In private and public spaces, personal conversations and mass media, we tend to speak more about the pains of unhealthy relationships. And while these pains are real and present dangers, there is little spoken about the real and present solutions to these problems. So young people begin to think that interpersonal relationships are problematic by default and synonymous with pain. I think these conversations should extend beyond the pains of relationships and instead explore the foundations of healthy relationships such as empathy, good communication, understanding boundaries and conflict resolution.
To the person experiencing Domestic Violence in Marriage
Firstly, I will reassure them that it is never their fault, then I will encourage them to get help. Personally, I believe not everyone is equipped with the resources to ascertain the risks and provide support to domestic violence victims. However, there are agencies such as the Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team, Project Alert, Media Concern for Women and Children Initiative (MEDIACON) and others who know how best to help trauma victims in whatever way they need it most. These organizations and others like them collaborate and work together. Once you reach one of them, they are able to connect you with their colleagues in your location. These are the sort of people I would direct a person who is experiencing Domestic Violence to get help from.
On the role the church should play in Marriage
This is an interesting question that comes up again and again. First marriage is not a Christian institution. It is a human institution. What this means is that there are marriages that do not take the Christian standards and perspectives as their guide. That said, the church has an important role to play. Encouraging and supporting church members to maintain genuinely healthy marital relationships that are models in the community is the primary role the church can play. This requires willingness to address dysfunction issues like adultery and abuse. If the church does this, such relationships will provide templates for community members to build their own marriages with.
Being a Woman of Rubies
I’m a Woman of Rubies because I recognise that I am uniquely created by God for the positions and roles I have in life. I’m constantly looking to let myself shine, regardless of the position I find myself or the age I reach. This means constantly learning, growing capacity and reinventing myself to meet the needs of those I look to impact and inspire.
For those who are afraid of marriage because of the high rate of separation and divorce
What you focus on grows. If you feed your mind with reports of marriage crises and fatalities, your mind will accept that as the only reality. However, if you feed your mind with reports of healthy and thriving marriages and follow it up with honest inquiry of what makes such marriages work, you will be rightly equipped to make your own relationship work. In The Right Fit Marriage Academy, an arm of MOE Advisory Limited, we have members of our community who experienced significant paradigm shifts and lost their fear of marriage as they did what I just advised. Today they are in healthy and happy marriages.
It’s easy to get swept off your feet in a new relationship. But when the excitement fizzles out and the honeymoon phase is over, you can actually see signs that a relationship will work out for the long term. You can also grow aware of some red flags that a relationship won’t last. The signposts of a future breakup are many, but most people don’t realize what those look like. So, I want to provide you with some things to look out for that signify a broken or ill-fated relationship.
HERE ARE 10 SIGNS A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T GOING TO LAST
1. YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE TOGETHER.
One of the signs of relationship not working anymore is if you’ve been dating for a while but haven’t talked about your future. For instance, if you’ve been living together for 18 months but your partner refuses to discuss marriage, it could be a big red flag. Does he find it difficult to communicate properly, or does he actually not see any future with you?
2. YOU’VE BEEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR THE PASSION.
Passion has brought you together as a couple but what happens when that mellows down? If you haven’t experienced a strong connection in other areas, then it’s not going to become long-term. For a new relationship to flourish, it needs to go beyond the physical connection. You should be emotionally and mentally connected as well. So, if you feel that you’re in this together for the passion only, it’s probably best to end the relationship because that kind of connection won’t last long.
3. THERE’S NO HONESTY AND OPENNESS.
Mature relationships allow partners to be forthcoming and open with each other because of their level of intimacy. It becomes a big problem, therefore, when you hide stuff from their partner or when you feel you cannot be fully yourself with him. Psychologist Antonio Borrello told Huffington Post that hiding feelings can happen because there is no trust. It’s also possible someone is doing things that are not compatible with their ideas as a couple, so they bury the details. If this is the case, then the relationship doesn’t have a solid, strong foundation.
4. THERE ARE NO FIGHTS, BUT NO COMMUNICATION EITHER.
You believe you’re in a blissful, stress-free relationship because you don’t fight. But what you might not realize is that fighting is a form of communication. It happens when couples are trying to reach a compromise together. Couples who don’t fight aren’t communicating their feelings. It’s a sign that they don’t want to work their conflicts out, which could signal the end of a relationship.
5. YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER’S FRIENDS.
The company you keep defines who you are. People are usually drawn to make friends with folks who like the same things they like or have the same qualities they have. So, if you don’t like his friends, this can be one of the signs of breakup because that relationship won’t last. Why? You’re likely going to discover more things about him that you might not like as well. Remember, friends reflect who you are.
6. YOU’VE DEVELOPED SIMILAR INTERESTS BUT HAVE NOT PURSUED OTHERS.
Partners who love to do similar things ideally live happy together, right? When two people like the same stuff, it’s supposed to be positive, or at least that’s what everyone thinks. But relationship expert Erika Boissiere told Bustle that this isn’t always a good thing. If you’ve been doing the same things together and have stopped pursuing your separate and unique interests, then you could end up with a broken relationship. This implies too much dependency on your partner, which won’t allow you to grow and evolve into your own person.
7. THERE’S NO EMPATHY.
She had a huge fight with her best friend, but you can’t understand why she’s so depressed about it. So, you become dismissive of her feelings. But the lack of empathy for what your partner is going through is another sign that the relationship won’t last. If you’re attuned to each other, you must be able to understand and imagine each other’s struggles since empathy is also a form of connectedness. If this feeling doesn’t exist, you’re in a broken relationship.
8. YOU DON’T HAVE DECISIONS IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
Who always chooses where you eat or what movies you watch? In the beginning, always letting him pick the places might seem fine because it does feel good that he has taken care of these simple choices. But small choices do matter to your relationship if you’re trying to make it last for a long time. If your partner constantly dismisses your choices, that’s a sign that your opinion isn’t valued. This can hurt your connection with each other.
9. THERE’S NO GIVE AND TAKE.
In the same way as giving value to your choices, how often do you compromise? Who is always the first to make up and apologize when you have a misunderstanding? The romance can quickly burn out if there’s no give and take. If you’ve been sacrificing your needs just to “compromise,” then you will be drained and exhausted soon enough. The relationship will quickly meet an end because it is already a broken relationship.
10. YOUR PARTNER TREATS OTHER PEOPLE POORLY.
People always put their best foot forward at the beginning of relationships, but you should always pay attention to your partner’s behavior towards other people. For example, how does he treat waiters? How does he act toward his parents or co-workers? If you’re going to be in a long-term relationship with this person, you will have ups and downs. And when the love and affection aren’t there, how will he treat you? Your relationship might not have much of a shot if he’s this way.
Being a mother is learning about strength you didn’t know you had, Motherhood is one of the most beautiful jobs in the world. Ibukun Omololu is not just a Mother, but one who is helping other Moms navigate through life life and helping them create work life balance.
A seasoned banker with over 11 years of professional experience. With expertise across critical areas such as Customer Service, Relationship Management, Strategic Sales and Marketing, Treasury Management and Compliance
At Sterling Bank Plc., Ibukun currently heads the One Woman proposition team, providing strategic oversight on the Women Banking Desk of the bank. She functions in adequate capacity, designing solutions tailored to the needs of the women customer segment, enabling access to financial services.
In celebration of International Women’s Day, Ibukun is launching a book to address some wrong beliefs about motherhood and parenting in general. A book she considers a gift to every Mother.
The beautiful banker and gender specialist who holds a B.A in Linguistics from the University of Ilorin is happily married to Adedayo Omololu, and they are blessed with two beautiful boys.
Ibukun shares her Inspiring journey, challenges of being a gender specialist in a society that is yet to fully recognise the role of women and why her book “Behind the little bundles of Joy” is a must have for every Mom in this insightful interview, in Celebration of International Women’s Day.
Childhood Influence
I was a happy free spirited and inquisitive child and the last in a family of 7. I often struggled with being the “girlchild” doing chores at home. It often baffled me when I saw my immediate elder brother relax in front of the TV while I had to go cook or wash plates. I often wondered what made him different from me. I think this sort of made me more inquisitive as I had lots of questions and would not follow the norm. It made me more open to challenge the status quo most times.
Impact of being a gender specialist on my Daytime Job
Being a gender specialist has exposed me to the challenges women face in Nigeria and by extension Africa. This is because we share similar cultures on gender bias. The impact has been negative and our aim at my organisation is to greatly change the narrative by supporting women in any way that we can. Women have been continually told to downplay their potential because they can’t have it all which is largely untrue. Being the Head of Sterling Bank “One woman” Initiative, I have been able push financial education, credit and other financial services that efficiently helps them get ahead. This is a huge way to serve their families and promote economic development especially through entrepreneurship.
My Book; Behind the Little bundles of Joy
I believe motherhood is such an incredible and beautiful gift, but it requires preparation. I have discovered that a lot of women are truly not prepared for it, and It’s easy to take the impact of childbirth for granted as it was in my case which caused a lot of conflict and challenges in my own marriage. The conflict was one part, I also struggled with postpartum depression, a period of infertility amongst other things. These are timely conversations with learning points that we should be having with more younger women. Writing this book is my own way of sharing my mistakes and lessons from my experience. I want single ladies/men, expecting parents and new parents to be able to put some thought into how they can make pregnancy or birth plan more enjoyable through inspiring, real and positive birth narratives. It is important that what is ordinarily a beautiful memorable experience does not become a dark and traumatic one for anybody.
Insightful nuggets from my book
I had to address some cultural myths and societal expectations like the following;
Do not have a child because society or parents place a demand on you for it.
Vaginal delivery and C-section are perfectly normal birth methods, and none is inferior to another.
Support structures starts first from your spouse and it is not demeaning for a man to take care of his baby
A house maid is different from a nanny and what to look out for when picking a nanny or creche.
Other Projects and Activities
Other projects include the financial literacy initiative for all women owned businesses and the fact that women need to know the importance of money and how to keep and save money for emergency, self-care and actualizing their dreams. Not spending their resources all the time even though most times, their expenses is for the family. A significant part of the “One-woman” proposition is about financial freedom for women and how they can be relevant for themselves and the community
Challenges of being a Social Entrepreneur
One of the main challenges is the fact that women have been told too many lies all in the name of culture and tradition so it’s sometimes difficult to help them see that their dreams are worth chasing. Women are not secondary or inferior and have the capacity to achieve so much more especially when the men are our advocates and supporters. We honestly need each other as we are utterly inter-dependent and complement one another. We need to find better ways to live, grow and work together because when the strengths of both women and men are harnessed, the results are better.
Being a busy banker with a very busy portfolio, an author, gender specialist and above all a wife and mom, and managing it all
Juggling my career with a family while trying to build a brand amidst other things has stretched me but I am grateful for solid support structures from my family especially my husband who is one of my biggest cheerleaders, I have a fantastic nanny who helps me with the kids on the home front and a great driver so I am not pulling my hair outrage when Lagos Danfo infuriates you. I also work with some of the best bosses and colleagues on the face of the earth, chief of all would be Toyin Bolajoko who is a big asset to my team and offers me reverse mentoring as well. Lastly nothing good comes easy, so I remain resilient in the midst of challenges.
Being a Woman of Rubies
Let’s just say I love God, I also love to see the best in people, so I have an open mind and I am never judgemental about anybody. I am an urbane person who value people and relationships
3 women who inspire me, In celebration of the Intl Women’s Day
My mother;She is an enigma of elegance, calmness, selflessness and love. I have watched her pour her life into us, her 5 children and every other child she gets a chance to love or nurture. She is the epitome of motherhood and I learnt how to love and value people from her. I can’t go anywhere and people who know my mum won’t stop asking after her.
Remi Owadokun;I don’t know how I can explain the amazon called Remi. She is selfless and genuinely wants to help people develop to be their best versions. She has inspired me, encouraged me, pushed me at some of my lowest moments and has refused to give up on me. This right here is the type of help every woman needs to do the impossible.
Temi Dalley; She is the Head of Human capital in my bank and one of the women who has given me my big break to lead the One Woman proposition. Temi is really passionate about raising more women leaders in the organisation. She encourages me to make the most of work without losing sight of what is important, getting ahead on the business, feeling good and not losing myself in the challenges on the job.
To new moms who need support to navigate motherhood and still thrive.
I guess congratulations are in order, I believe you are at your wits ends wondering how you got yourself into this. I believe you are doing an amazing job despite the fact that you are new to this, hang in there, you can do it. Please remember that your state of mind is also really important so get as much help and rest as possible. You also know that your little one is counting on your help and support to grow with your nurture, your love and your milk too, so take time to bond with your baby through it all, they grow up so fast so enjoy every moment you can and live a day at a time.
Lastly, go get a copy of my book even if it’s only because I asked you to, trust me it would be worth your while and just may save your marriage too.
Adebola Kupoluyi is a seasoned professional with over nine (9) years of valuable experience garnered in diverse challenging roles. She possesses general management experience overseeing key functions of Finance Operations, Quality Assurance, Health& Safety, and Network Operations.
Burdened by the number of street kids, she started Mantle of Mordecai (MOM) foundation many years ago, a registered non-profit organization with the mission to reduce the population of out-of-school children in Nigeria and by extension Africa. Adebola Kupoluyi also champions the Culture Preservation Initiative with the mandate of ensuring that the culture of her home country Nigeria is preserved all over the world. As part of impacting her world she is a volunteer mentor of The Tony Elumelu Foundation tasked with empowering young entrepreneurs in Africa.
Adebola Kupoluyi was recently appointed Country Ambassador, Nigeria for Rise & Lead Netherlands; a global knowledge sharing, education and advocacy platform that connects leaders, emerging leaders, NGOs and change-makers to promote the inclusion of women in leadership in the workplace, marketplace and society to foster peace and prosperity in society. Adebola’s mandate in life is to impact all lives she encounters; she shares her Inspiring journey with me in this Interview.
Growing Up
I had a relatively tough childhood because I was diagnosed of chronic asthma before I turned five. I lived most of my life on admission in the hospital and sometimes I wrote my exams in the confines of my hospital bed. I was a very frail child and all I found comfort in was my books, so I guess that made me appreciate the importance of education.
However, I know that seed of what I do now was sown at the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) orientation camp of Yobe state in Fika town in April 2009. While in camp I had two “adopted” sons Musa and Mohammed whom I connected to immediately I met them. They were part of the group of kids that came to camp for menial jobs daily. Once they came into the camp it was always straight to my hostel; my roommates knew them already so they would call out to me that my kids were outside. Off we would go to the canteen together once it was time for any meal to eat.
During our last week, my friends and I put funds together and we bought necessities such as slippers (they were always bare footed) and clothes. Seeing the way their faces lit up because of this seemingly insignificant gesture made me realize there was so much more that could be done. Although, I did not know how to go about it then but the desire to help kids had been sown in my heart and it kept germinating.
Mantle of Mordecai Foundation and Its impact since Inception
Mantle of Mordecai foundation popularly known as MOM foundation is an inspiration from God and our mandate is simply to reduce the number of out -of -school children in Nigeria and by extension Africa . Every time I see a kid that should be in school hawking during school hours my heart breaks knowing the kind of potential that is being wasted.
MOM is a registered non-profit organisation in Nigeria and our primary aim is to seek funds to enable out- of -school children have access to quality education. MOM has children from different parts of Nigeria, but currently focuses on the children in Dustbin Estate, a slum in Lagos State, Nigeria where families literally live on refuse dump.
Our success stories have been what has kept us going. As at December 2019, we had our first university graduate Olatunji Benedict from Ondo State University of Science and Technology, Okitipupa. He studied B.Tech Applied Geophysics . I met Latunji Korede about 5 years ago petty trading on Lagos streets, because his father lost his only source of income and became bed ridden, hence Korede had to step up to cater for the family. Another beneficiary Solomon Aare, who is currently in his final year at the university, after graduating from the polytechnic with a distinction, has also become a serial entrepreneur even while still in school. He runs Point of Sales (POS) agency shops in three different locations in Lagos. This is a boy that lived in dustbin estate prior to MOM sponsorship.
How my Strong Background in the Corporate World Impacted me
I will say I have been privileged to have an interesting and positively challenging career that has spanned over nine years now. Valuable experience has been garnered in diverse roles and sectors. I am currently the Senior Manager, Finance Operations at American Towers, a New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) quoted company. This is a general management capacity role which sees me managing key functions and team members working within the Finance Operations, Health & Safety and Network Operations. At the early stage of my career I gained four(4) years consulting experience in KPMG with specialty in Enterprise Risk Management (ERM). I have also had the privilege of mentoring at the Tony Elumelu Entrepreneurship Programme (TEEP), coaching four promising women in their chosen field of entrepreneurship. I am also a New Leader for tomorrow at the Crans Montana forum, Monaco. Advancing in my career despite all odds shaped my thought process; made me realise that I am here for a time such as now and that beyond my success in career there is more I should be doing to impact my world.
My appointment as Country Ambassador for Nigeria rise and Leads Netherlands
The Rise and Lead is an education and social impact organization founded in the Netherlands in 2018, providing skills, knowledge and thought leadership to individuals, entrepreneurs and
organizations. Our mission is to support women to achieve their personal and professional goals while leading the change towards closing the gender leadership gap.
As Country Ambassador that is leading a new Country Forum from scratch, I have the opportunity to grow my leadership and impact and develop more leaders in my circle of influence. Some of the expectations are to create, manage and lead all local events, meetups and training programs as well as planning and execution of all major summits and local meetups.
Challenges of being an Advocate
The major challenge I face as an advocate is the resistant to change on all fronts. As human beings, we seem to be quite set in our ways and find it difficult to embrace another way of doing things.
An example is changing the mindsets of the parents of our beneficiaries at the MOM Foundation. Specifically, some parents do not believe that education should be prioritised therefore they are not usually very supportive of the beneficiaries. Asides, providing funds to the beneficiaries, there is usually a need for an orientation of the other stakeholders involved in the process. This ensures that the entire programme is not frustrated and our mission is accomplished.
Our International Women’s Day Summit
Rise and Lead team decided it is the best time for us to have the inaugural African summit, after two successful summits in the Hague, Netherlands in 2018 and 2019.
The summit is called the Rising Leaders’ African Summit, taking place on 27th March 2020 at Four Points by Sheraton, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.
Theme is: Leadership. Women. Inclusion
The Summit will host progressive panel conversations, keynote speeches and impact workshops which will focus on Digital Transformation, Entrepreneurship, and advancing more women into leadership positions”. High-level business leaders, policymakers and international keynote speakers will attend to share their experience and best practices in innovation and leadership while addressing the significant potential of Women and Youth to transform the African Societies.
As part of the summit we are also gifting 25 women with free entrepreneurial training under our Inclusive Founders program to enable them grow and expand their businesses.
Registration is currently ongoing at https://riseandleadsummit.com/summit-african/ and we have discounts for corporate bodies and group registrations. Attendance of the summit is a perfect gift organizations can give their women in celebration of the International Women’s month.
The Nigerian Government and it’s impact on Women and Children
According to Edmund Burke, “the only condition necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. This is my summation of the way the Nigerian government has prioritized issues regarding women and children. I do not see any visible or targeted effort to alleviate the peculiar issues faced by women and children.
To buttress my point, according to UNICEF data in 2014 Nigeria had the highest number of out of school children in the world ( 10.5 million). Despite all the promise made by the Nigerian government to correct this anomaly, UNICEF declared that the number had gone up by 25% to 13.2 million in 2018. This shows a complete neglect for the cause of children and lack of focus on the future of the country. My question is if education is a priority for developed countries why isn’t it a priority for a country like Nigeria contributing the highest quota to the pool of uneducated kids?
Same concerns are valid for women, in a country with such diverse and talented women, it shouldn’t be out of place to have a quota system that ensures that women are able to compete on the same levelled playing field as their male counterparts.
Adebola
Being a Woman of Rubies
I have decided to dedicate my lifetime to impacting my world in every sphere I find myself. When others see problems, I search for solutions to fix the problem. I will love to die empty one day, knowing that the world knew I was here because of the lives I would have touched just like the lyrics of the song “ I was here”
I want to nurture kids, put as many of them in school, I want to mentor teenagers especially the ones that have gone through some form of molestation because I am also a sexual abuse survivor. I want to coach young women in career and also empower the currently disempowered women. I just want to give my ALL to my world, because I have realised that waking up every morning is actually a gift that should be maximized and not taken for granted.
To Female Change-makers who are trying to find their Voice in the World
Be the light the world is desperately looking for. Have an audacious goal that is greater than you on your journey to changing the world; divide that goal into smaller subsets, tackle it daily, celebrate small wins and learn from your failures. Never forget to thank God for the doors that are being shut currently, because not every opportunity is a good opportunity. Be very deliberate about self-leadership and self-development, be yourself always and never doubt your ability to change the world. Although your sphere of influence may look small, you are actually a critical and crucial part of a greater battalion of army whose common goal is to make the world a better place; however, the tasks have been apportioned to us all in different dimensions .
You can and you will change the world in your own sphere of influence. Keep at it!!
Mention 5 women who inspire me and why
Olajumoke Adenowo – we fondly call her Mrs A. She has been of huge influence in my life since I started listening to her and eventually getting to know her. One thing she stands for which unfortunately has taken the back burner these days is excellence in the marketplace. She has shown in all her endeavors that she is on earth for a purpose and has taught us that; purpose should be fulfilled on any pillar of life we stand on.
Ibukun Awosika– she epitomizes integrity as a woman in business. I have learnt from her that though taking an ethical stand may be unpopular at the time you are taking that decision, it speaks for you behind closed doors years later and takes you to places your certificate or experience couldn’t have.
Debola Deji- Kurunmi – we fondly call her General DDK! Meeting her healed me of a small mindset. She is my Coach and one thing she has done for me is open my eyes to see that I can be multi-influential and productive at it. She debunked the “jack of all trade and master of none” theory. This has brought me to where I am today and all I am doing and the more that is still coming.
My Mum– Mrs. Bolanle Salako- seeing her struggles and limitation as a woman who innately had it in her to be successful, who did all the hard work but just couldn’t break even. toughened me up. Unknowingly, I just wanted to be a way better version of her. I decided that apart from no one stealing my joy; I was going to be the light that is desperately needed in this world.
My late Grandma -we fondly called her “Abby”. I say to myself that I am who I am because I had a praying grandmother. She was a warrior who fought wars on her knees for us. She took care of me as a sickly child and nurtured me for year(s). I am eternally grateful I got to spend time with her before she passed on 8 yeas ago.
Please reach out to the Rise and Lead team and Adebola Kupoluyi on adebola@riseandleadwomen.com or support@riseandleadwomen.com
You can also follow our conversations on social media with the hashtags #RiseandLeadWomen #RisingLeadersSummit, #RLSummit2020 #drivethechange #leadtheconversation #togetherweriseandle
Nigerians are breaking boundaries all over the World.
This is the Inspiring story of Adeyemi, a graduate of Olabisi Onabanjo University who is making us proud in the U.S Navy. She Immigrated in 2009 from Nigeria, and earned her citizenship in 2013.
Today, Adeyemi who is happily married with one child has been commended for her diligence and commitment to service in the U.S Navy. See her Inspiring story below
According to Navy You Outreach ; 2nd Class Adeyemi Planche, a native of Columbus, Ohio, joined the Navy to do something challenging. Now, six years later, Planche serves with Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron (HSC) 3, working with one of the Navy’s most advanced helicopters at Naval Air Station North Island, San Diego.
Planche is a retail services specialist who is responsible for ordering supplies to meet the needs of sailors.
“I like putting a smile on people’s faces, especially when we work with morale, welfare and recreation,” said Planche.
Planche is a 2001 Dupmos High School graduate.
According to Planche, the values required to succeed in the Navy are similar to those found in Columbus.
“If you work hard, you can achieve anything you want to,” said Planche.
With more than 90 percent of all trade traveling by sea, and 95 percent of the world’s international phone and internet traffic carried through fiber optic cables lying on the ocean floor, Navy officials continue to emphasize that the prosperity and security of the United States is directly linked to a strong and ready Navy.
Pilots and aircrew are trained in the squadron to fly MH-60S “Seahawk” helicopters to ensure they are prepared for peacetime and warfighting missions.
Helicopters are equipped with the ability to conduct replenishments at sea, search and rescue missions and support other operations as needed
There are many opportunities for sailors to earn recognition in their command, community and careers. Planche is most proud of earning personal recognition from the commodore aboard USS Pinckney.
“We earned a 100 percent score in records management,” said Planche. “This had not been done before, so it was a big deal for us to accomplish.”
As a member of the U.S. Navy, Planche, as well as other sailors, know they are a part of a service tradition providing unforgettable experiences through leadership development, world affairs and humanitarian assistance. Their efforts will have a lasting effect around the globe and for generations of sailors who will follow.
“Hopefully, I can start a tradition for my children to consider a career in the military,” said Planche. “I like discipline, and the military definitely provides that. I immigrated in 2009 from Nigeria, and earned my citizenship in 2013. I feel really good being able to serve in the military defending this country. It’s a job I can definitely be proud of.”
