In lifestyle February 7, 2021 By Women of Rubies

6 Ways To Deal With Sexual Urges In A Celibate Relationship

Self-discipline is one of the biggest test in every relationship, especially one void of intimacy. The truth is Celibacy goes against the grain of bodily desires.As a [young] adult, your body is wired to crave sexual release and the fact that your mind becomes tuned to celibacy does not mean your body will be.

There will be times when it will be nearly impossible to keep the sexual urges under control.

So when you find yourself in situations like this, what doe you do? Here are seven useful tips that could help you out.

1. Don’t dwell on it

It’s impossible to not have flashes of sexual desire every now and then but because you do not want to have sex, you need ways to drown out the thoughts. It’s easier to abstain from what you are not thinking about. So try to not dwell too much on it.

It probably won’t be easy. But it’s what you signed up for.

2. Get busy

Invest yourself into something that requires your time, dedication, energy and all. The busier you are, the easier it will be to get lost in activities and forget about yourself and the urges, even if momentarily.

There’s a reason why they say an idle mind is the devil’s workshop, remember? You have to always use your sense.

3. Guard your space

Keep to the barest minimum anything that will lessen your inhibitions and trigger the desire for sexual contact. Movies, clips, photos, people, etc.

Mind you, spending time with your partner will also sometimes trigger this desire. Your discipline will especially be most tested in these periods.

4. Know when to run

Never trust yourself with dangerous situations. Better avoid the situations than try to stop the action midway through it.

You know what they say; na from clap dance dey start.

Women chatting [Credit: Black New Zone]

5. Talk to someone

Yeah, it could be quite awkward to ask one or two married people you know if they waited for sex before marriage.

But then, if you somehow know someone who managed to abstain from sex before tying the knot, talk to him or her. It’d require some kind of close relationship to get to the point of speaking about something as intimate as this but if you’re lucky to have such person, ask them how they did it.

Their solutions could come in handy for you.

6. Discipline

The truth is that none of these things mentioned above will completely, absolutely take away the urges. There can be nothing to take that away as it is a natural phenomenon which, to an extent, even confirms your healthiness.

At some periods it could be quite a real struggle to rein it all in; but then again, putting these urges under control is the very underpinning idea of celibacy and you must have known that before embarking on this kind of relationship. This is why the need for sexual discipline cannot be overemphasized.

Waiting while dating is wholly an exercise in self-discipline and above all other things, this is what you need most. Restraint, discipline, a mental fortitude to keep your eyes on the goal is the most supreme here. Foreplay is very important

7. Will it be worth it in the end?

Never forget to keep asking yourself this question, and reminding yourself of the real reason why you decided to abstain from sex before marriage.

Constantly reminding yourself of this reason will also help keep your urges at bay. It’s like setting a personal target and meeting it.

You’ll be happy with yourself, and feel a sense of pride and satisfaction if you see it through. And again, all struggles you overcome make you stronger, right?

Source: Pulse Ng

In Editor's Choice December 28, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

SEX CARRIES 60% BLAME IN HIGH RATE OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE- MO DARASAYO

We do know that a healthy sex in marriage is one of the most commonly cited traits among happy couples when asked how they make it work. These couples have managed to maintain intimacy for years, still enjoying their bond and maintaining the fondness they have for one another.

Sex and marriage go hand in hand. If you can buy this argument, you can most likely understand why is sex so important in a marriage. Intimacy enhances long-term relationships, and this is what Sex Therapist Mo Darasayo advocates for .

Mo Darasayo (MDS is a Sex Enthusiast and Therapist. She helps people overcome problems of bad sex through therapy. An initiative she started due to her personal experience over 20 months ago and having counsel over 10 couples and many individuals, she decided to take it up as a job and build it up as a notable Brand in the Sex Therapy industry.

She shares her personal journey and joy of seeing marriages work with me in this inspiring interview.

Childhood Influence

I grew up in a polygamous Home. Last Child of 8. Had my primary education in St. Michaels School Ibadan before i moved to Galaxy Schools for Common Entrance Examination, then proceeded to Our Lady of Apostles Mary way Odo ona for my Secondary Education. Then studied Accounting in the Higher Institutions. Not so close to Dad until Mom passed away in 2006. And growing up i don’t hear much about sex. It’s either about religion or Education. I’m either in Church or School. Most novels i read back in school were mostly about Education. No lovey-dovey, if my steps found me reading anything relating to sex or romance, i might be in troubles. So I stayed off. My Childhood didn’t prepare me for what i am doing right now, I’ll say Marriage did.

Inspiration behind my passion for the Sex Industry

Okay, I’ve been looking for a platform to share this personal experience, it’s about time. Sex Therapy Industry is the last place i thought I’ll found myself. I mean, by age and experience I don’t belong here. But here I’m at. After leaving school I had the opportunity to work in the Media, worked under Mrs Funmi Davies Farodoye on her then program “Wazobia plus” at Mitv. We moved to Ltv 8 in Ikeja to start another program, opportunity came again to work with PR Media on Afrima project in 2016. This was my journey plus my Food Business before i started my job as a Therapist in 2018.

I got married in 2015 and before Marriage Hubby and I lived miles apart. Away from the fact that as a religious person, the said distance caused a big issue for us. We got married and then I got to know i do not have the stamina I should have for Sex, by stamina, I meant urge. Pregnancy came and I couldn’t keep up with sex, was in and out of the hospital for almost all the period and when I finally put to bed it was through CS. I could remember vividly Hubby and I didn’t have sex for solid eight months after my first child, because he was scared I gave birth through CS, we didn’t know better. After this whole thing I realised we had both lost it, when he wanted sex, I don’t want, when I’m horny he’s not in the mood. Sooner than expected he got transfer to another state. That was another sour beginning in our sex life. We’d go month(s) without sex and physical touch. Then one day I talked to a friend about my predicament because i was tired. Then i heard worse, lol. She told me even her own husband that live with her is not touching her as expected that it’s marriage thing, we tend to get tired of ourselves because we see often (See finish syndrome). I knew there was more so i started doing my research and reading online. Then i found help and decided to start helping people with their sex life, because sex is not even the way some of us see it. Beyond the physical thrust and touch, sex is psychological. I started like a joke on my favorite social platform (Facebook) and today by God’s grace it’s become something I’m known for, added to the tutelage I received to prepare me for the journey.

How you can differentiate Love and Lust and how to sight a red flag

Love and Lust looks same but not the same and can never be same. And it will take God’s grace to know if a man truly want you with the intentions of marriage or just want to get laid. A man can pretend to be in love with you for months even years, pretending to be there for you and giving you everything they could afford just to get laid with you and after sex would desert you.

Testimonials

In almost two years of doing online and off-line Therapy sessions, I’ve had amazing testimonies. From teaching how to have a good and balanced sex life on Facebook, to having one on one session with couples and intending couples, the testimonies has been massive. One that stood out was this Lady with Female mutilation that sent me a mail this year, after few weeks of Online Therapy she’s doing so well in bed with her partner now. In her words “I’m glad i know you Mo, the World needs more people like you”.

Sex is Important to Marriage

Sex is very very very important in marriage. To have and live a good married life your sex life must be the bomb. Know what your partners want, varieties of sex styles, suitable times their body want sex. Keep exploring and compromise. When you’re not in the mood for sex, communicate with your partner. Sex is never too much and should not be too much

Sex as a factor of Divorce and Marriage

Sex carries 60% blames in high rate of separation and divorce in this time. I once had a Therapy session with a couple where the Man threatened to cheat on the wife if she doesn’t up her sex games. And when emotional issues like this comes in, problems abound. I tell Couples that their sex lives depends on both parties, like I said earlier, it’s all about what we both want and how we can reach an agreement. If it takes having a sex timetable to achieve your aim as a couple go ahead and whatever issues you feel you need to sort speak about it and seek professional help. Seek Therapy not Kayamata.

Safe Sex Nuggets

I tell people to discuss their sex history with new partner if the relationship would involve having sex to avoid stories that touch the nerves. Communication is key

°Use condom if you’re having sex with multiple partners to avoid STI’s or deadlier diseases.

°Be aware of your body and that of your partner, look for a sign or sores, blister, rash or discharge.

°Say no to drugs before sex, this might increase the chance that you will partake in high-risk sex.

Being a Woman of Rubies

Helping others find fulfilment in what seems difficult and not achievable is what make me a Woman of Rubies. I’m glad i found this path and I’m walking it.

To women who still don’t see sex as an integral part of marriage

My Final word for women who don’t see sex as an integral part of marriage is try as much as you can and give your best in sex aspect in your marriage. Whatever difficult you’re facing in that aspect, discuss with your partner and you both could find a solution to it. Sex can make or mar your marriage, the decision to hold on lies in our hands and between our thighs.

In self development December 26, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

OLAWUNMI ESAN: WHAT DOES GREAT SEX MEAN TO YOU?

Understanding what makes sex great for you is crucial to enjoying a mutually fulfilling and highly plGreat sex is not necessarily about going more than one round. I can’t count how many people force themselves to go more than one round. What is wrong with going one round and enjoying that round? Anyway, story for another day.

Having great sex is not just about having orgasms, neither is it about experiencing temporary paralysis because somebody almost ‘banged’ you to death.

While all those things seem interesting, many people focus on trying to measure up to certain standards – to the detriment of discovering what great sex really means to them.

So for a moment, throw away the general prescriptions for great sex and think, “What makes sex great for me?”

Let me take it a step further and simplify this for you…

Think about your best sexual experiences so far. At least, the top three most amazing sexual experiences. What made those experiences amazing for you? Why do they stand out so strongly?

If you could bring any of those things into play again, would the experience still be amazing for you?

This very simple exercise is a great way to define your unique recipe for great sex.

Great sex for you may require that your partner takes time to pay attention to your body. For someone else, it may mean adding an element of naughtiness (sex cuffs and blindfolds). To others, the element of urgency might make sex more exciting (Yeah baby, I can’t wait long enough to get to the bedroom, I want you here and now), or it may be as simple as having a participative partner.

Your recipe for great sex may vary, depending on the situation or what you are in the mood for. Whatever that recipe is, embrace it!

It would also be great to do this simple exercise with your partner and share your findings with each other.

Understanding what makes sex great for you is crucial to enjoying a mutually fulfilling and highly pleasurable sex life.

Olawunmi Esan is a trained Psychotherapist, who specializes as a Sex Therapist & Coach. She helps couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mind-blowing and has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples to help them enjoy more fulfilling Intimacy and Sex lives.She is a founding member of The African Association of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Founder of The Thriving Family, a Counselling Organisation working to promote positive and well balanced family life.You can learn more about her work HEREOlawunmi is married with children.

In self development August 3, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

5 IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS BEFORE YOU SAY “I DO”

Avoid a rocky marriage, trash out important matters before you walk down the aisle.

You don’t necessarily have to wait until marriage to begin to deal with certain marital issues

Since it is often said that prevention is better than cure, it becomes absolutely necessary for courting, engaged, or other couples in serious committed relationships to discuss the following things…

Work stress

This is one aspect of pre-marriage conversations that many people hardly bother with.

Except you both expect to starve and/or beg, then, at least one of you has to go to work.

Upon return from a long stressful day, different people have different ways of resting or chilling.

You and your partner should discuss this before marriage, so as to avoid cases where you are usually feeling chatty after work, and she just wants to left alone for at least 2 hours after her return.

This kind of conversation will help you both know how make suitable adjustments, or at least, know what to expect after you finally say “I do.”

In-laws

The matter of bad in-laws is quite terrible that I hear some ladies now pray to marry a man whose mother is long dead before they even meet him.

Let’s even forget how absurd and terrible that kind of wish is; the truth still remains that not all mothers or fathers-in-law will be dead by the time you meet your partner, so it’s best you prepare to relate with them because they will be present in your married life whether you like it or not.

Clashes often arises when couples feel divided or threatened by by in-laws. So discuss well what your spouse’s relationship with his/her parents is like, so as to judge if they are still tied to mommy’s apron, or mentally mature enough to stand up and resist unnecessary interference from daddy. You really need to discuss this properly, really.

Money

This one does not really need much explanation as it is well-discussed matter already. All that’s left to do here is to remind you to ensure that you ask the right questions.

Don’t just ask him how much he earns, or how much of her salary she saves. Ask of their relationship with money, which is basically asking them to give you a recap of their financial history.

You should also not shy away from asking them about their financial strengths and weaknesses [Yeah, some people can spend their last kobo on clothes, and shoes… and for some, it’s just sports betting… smh.]

Please ask them to tell you about their financial dreams and goals, too.

Sex

We understand that they told us in church to shun pre-marital sex. [Amen]

However, I don’t think anyone will ban you from you from pre-marital sex-talk.

Yes, pre-marital sex-talk. Please talk about it. The fact that you are contemplating marriage with someone essentially means you are sexually attracted to that person, and that y’all are planning to do the do soon.

So there’s no sense in being too shy to ask him how often he thinks you should be having sex in a week, ask her into which hole she prefers to have it [clears throat], also ask about that body count.

Yes! The body count actually counts, too, and try to be as open and honest with your answers as possible.

Babies and contraceptive techniques

How many babies do you ideally want? What is the spacing between births going to be like? What techniques of contraception do you think we should use. These questions are equally as important. Please ask them.

Source: Pulse Ng

In self development January 8, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

NIKE FOLAGBADE: HOW YOU MAY BE SABOTAGING YOUR CHANCES OF MEETING THE RIGHT MAN

“A common saying states that; “You attract who you are” and a lot of ladies wonder, how come they’re attracting players into their lives when they don’t do the same.

I understand that you may have these questions and thoughts in your mind like:

I am a good girl but I keep attracting men that want to rape me. Does it mean I’m a rapist too?
I try to spend all of my income on my girlfriends yet they always end up using me. Am I guilty of the same offense?
Why is it only married men that come after me? What have I done to deserve that?

My answer:

You don’t have to be a player or rapist to attract one but you can be projecting a part of you that attracts such men.

Let’s look into life of Monique for an example.

Monique was raped at the age of 8 and she developed a quick hatred for men following that incident. At the age of 10, when she went visiting her uncle. His friend molested her yet she could not tell anyone. Her parents were the busy and absent type and even when they came around, they were usually fighting or shutting her down which made her develop low self-esteem.

She grew wishing she didn’t come to that family and she also hated God for making the rape happen. When she got into the university, she became difficult for men to talk to yet she was very pretty. Some cult guys in the school that tried chasing her decided to set her up for a rape again at age 20. At this point, she was done for. She became bitter. She went ahead to join a girls cult and became a lesbian too. Her aim was to gun down men that try to get at her or punish her rapist in the best way possible.

After she graduated, she had to go for her NYSC, get a job and start her life all over. Monique had also lost some of her gangs in the final year while she was in school. All through school, she never dated any man. She joined a church later on after much persuasion from her neighbor and she got better by the day.

The only problem she had was that, she still had her secrets. She had not worked on herself or sorted things out. Most of the men that came around her were either touchy or requesting for sex at the first date. What could be wrong?

She was trying to run from the kinds of men that raped her but it wasn’t working that way.

Monique has to undergo an emotional therapy that can help her understand what happened in her past, change the meanings attached to her experience, spot out the positive reasons behind her past, forgive herself for the hurts, forgive the rapist which is very difficult but possible, forgive her parents for their kind of parenting, seek completeness in God, release the total experience and start a new journey.

Now, it sounds easy to write but it is a long journey to activate. Why is this necessary?

For every experience you have had, there is always a belief system you create around them which forms your perception. All of these reality becomes your model of the world.

Monique must have created beliefs like; “All men are bad”, “All men are rapist”, “Parents are always too busy”, “Any man coming around wants sex” etc. As little as these beliefs sounds, they determine your decisions and destiny.

The law of projection works with the beliefs in your subconscious mind which is the main reason why you need to undergo a process of recovery, transformation and repositioning. If you don’t, you will keep attracting the unhealthy beliefs you have.

As tough as she thought she was, she was insecure, had low self-esteem and didn’t see any worth in herself. As much as she projected that image behind her expensive dress, insecure men came around and tried to touch her too. It works in a mysterious way.

If you are a plus size, you may keep thinking that you cannot meet a man that can appreciate your size, you may be forced to start begging a man to stick with you.

“If your mind believes that it is impossible to attract a man that is not a rapist, that will be the reality.”

This is why when I engage my coaching clients, I start with the vision they want in a relationship or marriage and then tackle what the problem is. It usually stems from the mindset. There’s usually a fault in the belief system or an emotional trauma.

When I was younger, my uncles lived with us and almost every day, I kept hearing about their sexcapades with girls and I developed a thick skin against players, the truth is, for so long, I kept attracting men that wanted to sleep with me. It was a struggle actually.

Anything you try to run from can end up being your reality.

So what should you do? Seek for professional help that can help you identify and eliminate the wrong beliefs and experiences. You deserve the best relationship ever.

About Nike

Nike Adedokun Folagbade helps singles build healthy relationships via break up, dating and relationships coaching.

Her goal is to help many singles recover from heartbreaks, attract and keep the right partner and build healthy relationships.

She has been featured in numerous magazines, newspaper, television and radio programs like Channels, The Punch, Business Day News, CoreTv, The guardian, City fm, Happenings Radio amongst others.

Her Facebook group, The Right Partner Community is targeted at helping one single at a time achieve their relationship milestone. She blogs at www.nikefolagbade.com and can be reached via adenikeadedokun@gmail.com or hello@nikefolagbade.com

In Career Gems January 31, 2017 By Editor

ONE IN 10 WOMEN DO NOT ENJOY SEX — STUDY

Nearly one in 10 British women finds sex painful, according to a large study.

The survey of nearly 7,000 sexually active women aged 16 to 74, in BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, suggests this medical problem – called dyspareunia – is common and affects women of all ages.

Women in their late 50s and early 60s are most likely to be affected, followed by women aged 16-24.

Doctors say there are treatments that can help if women seek advice.

But many still find the subject embarrassing and taboo, the survey results show.

Painful sex was strongly linked to other sexual problems, including vaginal dryness, feeling anxious during sex, and lack of enjoyment of sex.

However, there can be lots of different physical, psychological and emotional factors causing painful sex, which can be complex to treat.

Some women said they avoided intercourse because they were so afraid of the pain.

Karen (not her real name) is 62 and from Greater London. She said her problems began around the age of 40.

“I felt that my sex drive dipped quite considerably, arousal seemed to take longer, and, despite an understanding husband, I started to dread him making approaches.

“It’s like any muscle group I guess, the less you use it the worse it gets.”

Karen tried using lubricant but still encountered problems.

“It became like a vicious cycle. You worry and get tense and that only makes it worse.”

Karen developed another complication called vaginismus – involuntary tightening of the muscles around the vagina whenever penetration is attempted.

“It wasn’t just in bed. It happened when I needed smear tests too. I would be crawling up the bed away from the nurse because it hurt so much.”

Karen spoke to her doctor who recommended she try oestrogen creams and pessaries for the dryness and dilators to help with the involuntary tightening.

“Women need to know that there is help out there for these kinds of problems, especially as we are all living longer.

“You shouldn’t have to be writing off your sex life in your 50s.

“Many women don’t like to talk about it. We share all the gore of childbirth, yet women of my generation don’t tend to talk openly about sex and the menopause. We should.”

The national survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles was carried out by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine (LSHTM), University College London and NatCen Social Research.

Of those who reported painful sex (7.5%), a quarter had experienced symptoms frequently or every time they had had intercourse in the last six months or more.

Around a third of these women said they were dissatisfied with their sex life, compared with one tenth of the women who didn’t report painful sex.

Lead researcher, Dr Kirstin Mitchell, from LSHTM and the University of Glasgow, the said there could be a whole range of reasons for dyspareunia.

“In younger women, it might be that they are starting out in their sexual lives and they are going along with things that their partner wants but they are not particularly aroused by.

“Or they might be feeling tense because they are new to sex and they are not feeling 100% comfortable with their partner.”

Painful sex might be caused by other health problems, such as sexually transmitted infections, endometriosis and fibroids, which should be diagnosed and treated.

Women around the age of the menopause can find sex painful because of vaginal dryness.

Dr Mitchell says it’s not just older women who can feel embarrassed talking about painful sex, even though the condition is common.