For most of my life, my parents have been separated. As a little girl, I remember often moving from one place to another, living with different people and changing from one elementary school to another.
When I wasn’t with either of my parents, I lived with relatives – uncles, aunties, grandparents (maternal and paternal) in different locations within the country. So I had the privilege of attending and experiencing life at both public and private schools in Nigeria. You could say I had quite the adventure growing up.
In primary one, I remember being called “fatherless” by a fellow pupil when I was in public school. My guess is that he assumed I was fatherless because he had never seen my dad at the school, and the only person he knew me with was my grandma who worked at the school at the time. The incident made me so sad and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The next time my father visited me at my gran’s, I reported the boy to him and daddy gave me his pictures to take to school and show to the boy that “that’s my father right there”. And oh, I did! I took the pictures to school the next school day and I rubbed it in his face. With that, the boy never had the gut to call me fatherless again.
Years later, while studying and living in a boarding secondary school, I often wondered why kids whose parents were divorced or separated cried and went about with sad faces. That is because I never considered my parents’ separation a thing to cry about.
Majority of my peers and friends at the time spoke a lot about their parents. How their mum and dad did this, how they did that, how they went to this place and that place together. They had lots of pleasant things to talk about and for me to listen to. I remember being internally ashamed a lot because I didn’t have that. So for a very long time, I kept it to myself. I mean, I couldn’t contemplate being the “Doyin” kids talked about in class, hostel and dining hall when the gist of “did you know that Doyin’s parents are “divorced?” came up.
But as I grew, something in me longed for depth. For more. To live. To accept what I have been given, who I am and where I came from. So, I gradually started being open about my parents not being together.
With time, I soon noticed majority of these people began to pity me. Sometimes, I’d meet older people and when the topic of parents came up and I say “No, my parents aren’t together”. Some of them with similar backgrounds will have this really sad look on their face and then go, “I’m also from a broken home so I understand what you’re going through and how you must be feeling. Just stay strong”. But I’m always left wondering what is going on. I mean, “what’s with the talk of ‘broken home’? Can you please not be like this? Nothing is wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. This right here, what you’re doing now, is what will make me feel bad.”
But then, I realized that the reason some of those people with similar background give pitiful looks while saying things like that is because:
They lack understanding
Some assume that since your parents aren’t together, then automatically you must be a sad person.
Truth be told, the separation of two people who once loved/professed love to each other is a sad thing and it often has an effect on the children. However, the kids don’t remain kids forever. They eventually grow up, realize and come to an understanding of why their parents are not together and they move on with their lives.
A habit of self-pity
For some of these people, they react that way because of a personal habit of self-pity. They could be the type that sit and feel sorry for themselves for a very long time because of unpleasant happenings in their lives.
I believe that as humans, it’s okay to be sad when you go through terrible experiences or witness unpleasant things. What’s not okay is staying in that state forever. You may be tempted to get into the self-pity mode, but don’t fall for it. Don’t accept it. Realize that you’re better off without self-pity.
More importantly, it is better to not give people the chance to plunge you into self-pity by highlighting your deficiencies and rubbing it in your face.
However, if you’re already there, it’s time to get up, take charge of your life and move. I challenge you to leave the self-pity zone and go make beautiful things happen.
Bola Adesola is the Managing Director and Chief Executive Officer of Standard Chartered Bank Limited, Nigeria. Prior to joining the bank in March 2011, she was an Executive Director at First Bank of Nigeria Plc and prior to that Managing Director of Kakawa Discount House, Nigeria. She also worked in Citibank for 9 years in senior leadership roles in Nigeria and Tanzania.
Bola Atta was voted one of the top 40 Nigerians under 40 in 2008. She was also celebrated as one of the 100 most influential women in Nigeria in March 2015. She has over 25 years of experience in diverse fields ranging from Banking, Business, Communications, Publishing, Entertainment, and the Media
Abimbola oversees a team managing the bank’s corporate/investment banking relationships across all sectors. Her 30+ years in banking spans Coverage, Corporate Banking, Treasury, Wealth Management and Strategy. She has contributed to the development of the Nigerian financial market in several ways including serving on the Advisory Committee of the Nigeria Interbank Settlement System, and the Code of Conduct Committee of the Money Market Association.
Bukola pioneered the Agriculture Finance Department in Sterling Bank. Under her leadership, Sterling Bank became a role model to other Banks in the implementation of Agricultural schemes like the current Anchor Borrowers Scheme, Growth Enhancement Scheme of the Federal Government of Nigeria among others which have garnered local and international awards and recognition for the bank.
Chizoma has over two decades of cognate experience. Prior to this, she was the Executive Director and Head-Business Development at Diamond Bank Plc. She served as Head of Business Development, Head of Corporate Banking, Divisional Head of Institutional Banking and Regional Manager at Diamond Bank Plc.
Chinwe is a seasoned Economist with specialisation in Macro Economics as well as Fixed Income analysis. She currently works at FBNQuest Merchant Bank (an arm of FBN Holdings). Prior to joining FBNQuest Merchant Bank, she had similar roles at FBN Capital, Fitch Ratings Milan and the Central Bank of Nigeria.
As the Group Head and Company Secretariat of the Legal and Administration Group at Coronation Merchant Bank, Utuk’s responsibilities include providing advice and support on matters related to statutory regulations, employee relations, litigation, with the aim of mitigating Coronation Merchant Bank’s legal exposure; leading the development and implementation of the Bank’s legal strategy, as aligned with business goals; coordinating the identification of risks and their implications and advising accordingly; and reviewing the regulations of the organisation.
Dupe made Ventures Africa’s 10 Most Influential Nigerian CEOs Of 2015. Prior to her current role, she was the group Head Embassies, Multilaterals and Development Organizations (EMDOs) and Global Investors Services (GIS) at United Bank for Africa (UBA) Plc. Her professional experience spans various sectors locally and internationally in capacities that encompass private equity from African Capital Alliance, investments and SME experience from Growing Business Foundation, Bloomberg Financial Markets UK, SecTrust (now Afriinvest), Transcorp Corporation and Northern Trust Corporation of Chicago, UK.
Emem is currently a Group General Manager. She has over 20 years of banking experience. She has strong capabilities in Relationship Management, Effective Communication and Business Development with a track record of winning and executing high-powered transactions. She has won several high-performance awards over the years of her career and has strong competencies in Corporate, Commercial and Public Sector Banking.
Oputu currently sits on the boards of several companies in a diverse range of sectors, including insurance, mining, medical services, manufacturing and oil and gas. In 1982, she was headhunted to finding the Treasury & Financial Services Division at International Merchant Bank, before she progressed to Senior Manager & Deputy Head of the Corporate Finance Division.
Folake Ani-Mumuney is a seasoned Marketer and Communicator. Earlier in her career, she was responsible for Brand Policies and communications at British Airways PLC, across the Europe & Africa region made up of 59 countries.
Hadiza has over two decades of banking experience from Guaranty Trust Bank and Access Bank. Her experience covers Transaction Services, Public Sector, Commercial Bank and Corporate Finance. Prior to joining Access Bank in 2003, she was a Relationship Manager Public Sector in Guaranty Trust Bank Plc.
Ibukun Awosika is one of the most recognized female leaders in the Nigerian banking sector. She also serves as the founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Chair Centre Group, a conglomerate consisting of 5 companies with interests in several sectors such as manufacturing, retail and bank-way security systems services. She is a graduate of Chemistry from the Obafemi Awolowo University and has several certifications from relevant bodies globally
Sorae is a Fixed Income expert with experience in Fixed Income Trading, Portfolio Management, and Operational Management. As the Group Head of Securities Dealing at Coronation Merchant Bank since August 2015, Sorae’s responsibilities include ensuring and managing the solvency of the bank, market and liquidity risks, profitable investments, and facilitating the development and implementation of activities to contribute to the business’s market share, annual revenue and growth targets.
Lola joined Union Bank in August 2013 to drive the Bank’s strategy, anchor its overall transformation and support execution bank-wide. With over 17 years of experience providing strategic advice to corporate, start-up, and public sector organisations, she continues to drive Union Bank’s strategic growth priorities and support critical efforts aligned to growth including sustainability and innovation.
Mojisola sees a lot of similarities between her two passions; mentoring and banking. They are both driven by relationships and a quest for knowledge. Having spent over 25 years in the banking industry, she has built expertise in business planning, risk management, sales and wealth management.
Mosun is a seasoned veteran of the banking sector in the country. Having served in various senior capacities at Guaranty Trust Bank, she became Chairman of the Board of Directors of Access Bank in July 2015. Belo-Olusoga graduated from University of Ibadan in 1979 with a Second Class Upper Degree and is a fellow of both the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria and the Chartered Institute of Bankers of Nigeria.
Ngover is a Corporate and Institutional Banking Executive with 17+ years’ experience in Financial Services across a wide range of functions including, Corporate Relationship Management, Sales, Credit, Transaction Banking, Remedial Account Management and Risk.
Fayokun is a Senior Partner in the law firm of Aluko & Oyebode and heads the firm’s Capital Markets’ and M&A practice groups. Prior to joining the firm, Fayokun was the Legal Adviser/Company Secretary of Denham Management Limited. Fayokun has served on various committees established by the Securities and Exchange Commission for the purpose of promoting the development of the Nigerian capital market, including the CMC Rules and Compliance Sub-committee and the CMC Market Infrastructure Sub-committee.
Oluwatomi Somefun has proven her capabilities both analytical and negotiation skills in the Nigerian banking space. Somefun has over 25 years experience in the financial industry spent most of her career life at Arthur Andersen (now KPMG) and United Bank for Africa Plc.
Yemisi has had a successful career with various banks which spanned 25 years, during which she worked in various departments such as Corporate Banking, Foreign Exchange Treasury, International Operations, Branch Banking, Energy Sector, Telecommunications, Oil and Gas (downstream), Public Sector, Credit & Marketing, Audit and Investigation. She is a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Stockbrokers (FCIS), Fellow of the Institute of Chartered Accountants (FCA) and an Honorary Senior Member, Chartered Institute of Bankers of Nigeria.
Onayimi ‘s core focus is on developing her knowledge and potential in Human Resources, Process Redesign, Business Effectiveness, Strategy Articulation, and Corporate Communications and Branding.
Osaretin Demuren served 33 years at the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) where she held several significant roles in Research, Exchange Control and Trade & Exchange Departments. In 1999, she made history as the first female to be appointed a Departmental Director of the Apex Bank as the Director of Trade & Exchange. In April 2013, Osaretin Demuren was appointed to the Board of Guaranty Trust Bank (GTB) Plc., as a non-Executive Director, where she served on the Board Remuneration Committee and Chair of the Board Risk Management committee until April 2015, when she was appointed as Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Bank.
Oyinkansade Adewale is a Non-Executive/Independent Director of FBNQuest Merchant Bank. She began her banking career with Citibank, where she rose to the position of executive director and CFO for West Africa. She joined Union Bank Plc in 2012 where she was an Executive Director/Chief Finance Director, retiring in September 2018.
Sola David-Borha is the Chief Executive of Africa regions for Standard Bank Group since 2017. She was Chief Executive Stanbic IBTC Bank from May 2011 to November 2012. She is an honorary fellow of the Chartered Institute of Bankers of Nigeria (CIBN).
