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Esther Ijewere

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In Career Gems By

UGANDAN CLIMATE ACTIVIST WAS CROPPED OUT OF A NEWS AGENCY PHOTO OF GRETA THUNBERG AT DAVOS

Vanessa Nakate is a 23-year-old climate activist from Uganda who this week attended the World Economic Forum in Davos.

On Friday, she took part in a news conference with Greta Thunberg and other activists ahead of a Fridays for Future protest in the Swiss town.

However, she was dismayed to find that in news coverage of the event, she had been cropped out of a photo issued by the Associated Press news agency featuring Thunberg and fellow activists Luisa Neubauer, Isabelle Axelsson, and Loukina Tille. AP later changed the photo that appeared as the thumbnail on Twitter for the story Nakate tweeted.

Nakate told BuzzFeed News via Twitter DMs she was heartbroken when she saw the photo. “I cried because it was so sad not just that it was racist, I was sad because of the people from Africa.

“It showed how we are valued. It hurt me a lot. It is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life.”

Nakate also posted an emotional 10-minute-long video discussing her experience at the summit and how it felt seeing the cropped photo.

Nakate, an activist since 2018, was inspired by Thunberg to start her own climate movement in Uganda and began a solitary strike against inaction on the climate crisis in January 2019.

There has been criticism in the past for the way media coverage has focused on the climate activism of white protesters.

AP later issued a version of the same photo featuring Nakate standing next to the other activists.

A spokesperson for AP told BuzzFeed News, “There was no ill intent. AP routinely publishes photos as they come in and when we received additional images from the field, we updated the story. AP has published a number of images of Vanessa Nakate.

Source: Buzzfeed

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In Career Gems By

FINLAND IS NOW BEING RUN BY WOMEN, FOUR OF THEM UNDER 35

Thirty-four-year-old Social Democrat Sanna Marin took office in Finland on Tuesday as the world’s youngest serving prime minister, heading a coalition with four other parties led by women, all but one of them under 35.

Marin won the confidence of parliament with 99 votes in favor and 70 against.

She replaced Antti Rinne, who resigned last week after the Centre Party, one of the members of governing center-left coalition, said it had lost confidence in him over his handling of a postal strike.

“I want to build a society in which every child can become anything and in which every human being can live and grow old with dignity,” Marin wrote on Twitter.

The new cabinet takes over in the middle of labor unrest and a wave of strikes which have halted production at some of Finland’s largest companies for three days.

Twelve ministers in the new cabinet are women and just seven are men. The head of the Centre Party, Katri Kulmuni, 32, becomes finance minister, Green Party leader Maria Ohisalo, 34, continues as interior minister and the Left Alliance’s chairwoman Li Andersson, 32, remains education minister.

The Swedish People’s Party’s Anna-Maja Henriksson, 55, remains justice minister, the only coalition leader to finish school before the 21st century.

Despite outward shows of harmony, divisions remain between the main coalition partners, Marin’s Social Democrats and the Centre Party.

Marin will struggle to defend her leftist views against the Centre Party, which wants action to boost Finnish employment to pay for the costly welfare state.
Center Party chairwoman Kulmuni defended her decision to force out Rinne, accusing him of having taken the employees’ side in recent labor market disputes when he should have remained neutral.

Before his resignation, Rinne defended the publicly-owned postal service’s employees in their labor dispute by saying their employment conditions would not be trampled while his government was in office.

“It became sort of a habit to flag in advance in favor of one side, in matters which should be dealt with cool impartiality,” Kulmuni wrote in a long post on Facebook.

Marin said recreating trust between the coalition partners was one of her first tasks.

“It demands discussion, a direct one,” she said.

Meanwhile Marin said she would keep using social media — but with care.

Defending her frequent use of social media, she said: ”I present a younger generation but of course, when it comes to social media or Instagram, I think that I’m an individual, a person, a real person even though I’m a prime minister.”

“So I won’t change the way I behave. Of course I have to be careful in what I say,” said Marin, who posted pictures of herself pregnant and later with her child, now two, on Instagram.

She made no reference to other leaders, such as U.S. President Donald Trump, who frequently use social media and sometimes attract criticism over their online comments.

 

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IF YOU FEEL DEPRESSED, REPEAT THESE 12 PHRASES

Before depression medications like Xanax and Prozac were introduced and became the norm for depression treatment, people relied on phrases or mantras to help calm their system and relieve anxiety. The practice of repeating phrases until you feel better has been done for centuries among those who believe in various faith traditions. These phrases are like hymns and chants that implore spiritual and psychological healing, but you can still use these phrases to repeat under your breath as a remedy for when you’re feeling depressed.

HERE ARE 12 PHRASES TO REPEAT TO YOURSELF IF YOU’RE FEELING DEPRESSED

1. I AM STRONG.

It’s a misconception that only the weak and the needy suffer from depression. It’s also a myth that those who ask for help are actually the weakest because they depend on someone else. On the contrary, many depressed people who ask for help show self-awareness, and that’s a sign of strength. It shows that they want to change their situation.

2. I WILL GET BETTER.

Depression triggers hopelessness. Saying these words over and over promotes positive thoughts despite your emotionally stormy state. The reality is, eventually you will get better because the dark clouds hanging over you won’t be there forever.

3. I AM STILL BREATHING.

Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh believes in mindful breathing and shared a similar phrase in his book “You Are Here.” The practice of concentrating on the breaths you take, while chanting this phrase, helps the mind to unite with the body, thus bringing a sense of calmness.

4. LET IT GO.

There is a lot of wisdom in the famous words from Elsa, the animated Disney character from “Frozen.” If you find yourself in an obsessive state of anxiety, where you worry about things that haven’t happen or won’t likely happen or conflicts that might arise, then simply say these three words over and over.

5. BE NOT AFRAID.

This phrase, and its variation, “Fear not,” is repeated over a hundred times in the Scriptures. Many people, including the non-religious, find comfort in it. There seems to be a healing power in meditating on the words of a Higher Being and repeating the phrase could pacify anxieties. While the fear is still there, uttering the phrase gives you control over it.

6. THERE’S NO DANGER.

Depression can trigger thoughts and feelings that might make you feel your life is under a threat. Saying these words repeatedly should appease your thoughts and open your eyes to the reality that the danger is all in your mind. This phrase goes hand in hand with, “Be not afraid. “

7. I HAVE INNER PEACE.

“Om Shanti Om” means inner peace and it is the simplest mantra that Tibetan monks often chant. Invite inner peace into your mind and body to relieve depression and its physical symptoms. You will start feeling your tensed chest loosening up by repeating to yourself that you have inner peace.

8. MY THOUGHTS, WORDS, AND ACTIONS CONTRIBUTE TO MY HAPPINESS AND FREEDOM.

This phrase encourages a life of positivity, compassion, and empathy. It implores a person to live as a servant of life who is in harmony with other beings, including nature and the environment. It has its roots in the tenets of Jivamukti Yoga, which shows the path to enlightenment.

9. SOMEDAY THIS PAIN WILL MAKE SENSE.

People who haven’t experienced sadness or pain aren’t interesting because there’s no depth and growth in them. While it seems like life is full of misfortunes now and it’s causing a wave of depression in you, be assured that one day you’ll see the purpose in your pain. By repeating the phrase over and over, you will find your strength, resilience, and maturity.

10. I NEED TO BE KIND TO MYSELF IN MY SUFFERING.

Kristin Neff in her book “Self-Compassion” had a similar mantra for handling negative emotions. She said that it’s important to acknowledge your pain and suffering, so you can treat yourself with compassion in moments of difficulty. It follows the same advice as famed teacher Pema Chödrön in the book “When Things Fall Apart,” where she instructs followers to face their problems, not run away from them. Feeling depressed should help you see what’s vital to your life and it should trigger your drive to overcome it. After all, life is about surviving.

11. ONE STEP AT A TIME.

Depression may spike because you feel a loss of control over a situation that’s causing stress. This phrase helps to remind yourself to beat that depressed feeling slowly but surely. When life drags you down, your best choice is to take a moment to help lessen the weight of your burden. One day, nothing will hold you back.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Depression can be crippling but it’s an emotion you can help control with positive thinking. The choice is yours – you can either let either let this pain hold you back or let this feeling enlighten you. Hopefully, one of these suggested phrases will help you find peace.

12. TRUST IN THE PROCESS.

Obstacles are part of life, but depression sometimes leads you to ask questions like, “Why me?” or, “Why does this keep happening to me?” or, “Why is my life so challenging?” It’s hard to see the right path clearly during your most troubled times, but with this phrase, you can condition your mind to see obstacles as part of a learning opportunity. They’re not there to make a victim out of you. You have to trust in the process.

Source: Power of positivity

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In Editor's Choice By

“I DIDN’T HAVE IT ALL ROSY GROWING UP BUT I AM BECOMING” – MOSOPE ODESEYE

Someone once said women are the best multi-taskers, that is exactly what Mosopefoluwa represents, a woman who can manage and joggle more than one task and excel in all.

The experienced event planner is the Creative Director at Mode Seven Events and   doubles as the Head Chef at Iyameto’s kitchen, a catering company she founded about 3 years ago. She has a diploma in Mass Communication from Olabisi Onabanjo University. Ago Iwoye. Lagos & also a basic presentation certificate from Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria. Lagos.

She has worked as a co-host on two different shows on radio and also worked as a production manager at a movie production company.   Mosopefoluwa is often called a philanthropist & has volunteered for a number of organisations which include Mich Consulting, Inspiro Consulting, The Pamilerin Company, Christmas on The Streetz, an organisation that caters for the less privileged, specifically at Christmas and many more.

She is the event planner for the Australian Education Exhibition annual event where her company provides 50 stand assistants for delegates yearly and also the event planner for BTDT Hub, Lagos and coordinates the annual Leadership Legendary Lessons and the masterclasses. She currently serves as the service coordinator at her church and supervises all departments at church amongst many other events.

She has a genuine interest in young men and women who are interested in business & generally need a push in life to start up new things & move from where they are to where they want to  and she has been privileged to speak with and inspire undergraduates, graduates and entrepreneurs across Nigeria.

In her words; “The world may not accept you immediately, but be consistent”.

She shares her inspiring story with Esther Ijewere in this interview.

Childhood Influence

Yes, my childhood influenced me. However, I had no idea I’d be doing this. I never learnt how to cook from any catering service, but my mum is a professional caterer and I’ve practically watched her cook every other day. She had also worked at a hotel, in charge of hospitality, worked at some other, organisations as a caterer. I’d visit her at work during school breaks.

Inspiration behind “Iyameto”

I had a conversation with an older friend a few years ago & they talked about not being able to eat as much as they needed to. I mentioned I could make soups for them regularly that they’d stock up in their refrigerator & pick up whenever they needed to eat. I made the first set of soups, they picked up & they were impressed. So, I thought “why not make this into a business for busy parents, bachelors& more?”

Being a certified event planner and mass communicator but pitching my tent catering services

I picked interest in catering because I observed a pattern during events, especially parties at the caterer’s stand & I wanted to make a change.

Reception of my widely delivered local snacks

The reception has been fantastic & gets me super excited every single time! The catering business started less than 5 years ago but it feels like I’ve been in it for so long. People easily relate with the business & most importantly are amazed by business name. The “widely delivered local snacks” has received fabulous reception & folks recommend us over & over again after they’ve had a feel of it. Someone once mentioned on social media that i (Iyameto’s kitchen) invented it. That felt good even though I didn’t invent it. It shows I’m doing it right!

My multiple certification and personal growth

It has given me more experience & also help me feel more confident that I can fit into different fields if and when I find myself there. It also makes me more versatile & it has been what I had interest in from childhood, so I intentionally went a step further to train for them. It is also what I thought I’d be practicing at the moment & I like doing.

Other projects and activities

I consult for start ups, I speak at seminars and trainings package, I also help busy mums & families shop for groceries, some monthly, some quarterly. I volunteer for NGO’s as often as I have the opportunity to. I package & sell food items to folks within & outside the country.

Challenges of being a Caterer

Deliveries! Deliveries!! Deliveries!!!! The dispatch (courier) companies. Logistics & transportation is basically one of the major challenges. Managing humans is also not as easy but we keep building & getting better at it.

Unexpected increase in price of goods as is also one. In a case where you have given cost to your customers/clients, you meet a different price at the local market but you have to deliver anyway!

My community service and it’s impact

Christmas On the Streetz (an annual giveaway/hangout) I discovered in 2018 on Twitter. Pamilerin foundation, Inspiro consulting & a few others I had volunteered for over the years. Giving to needy individuals & reminding myself that everyone out there needs a lifting at some point in life. Basically trusting myself to do better and do more & believing that others can have Hope based on how I inspire them to do more & be better people, generally!

Being a Woman of Rubies

I am exceptional! I am hardworking! I am a humanitarian! I am a philanthropist! I have failed many times but I never give up! I didn’t have it all rosy growing up but I am becoming! I treat everyone I meet well & I do not look down on anyone! I am focused! I make the best of every situation I find myself!

To young women who want to go into catering business

To every young woman out there who aspires to go into the catering business! Believe in yourself, you can do it if you really want to! Start from where you are! Build up! Don’t expect the world to accept you the first day you kick off!! Also, be sure you can handle all that comes with it. Some days are high, some days are low! Take feedback from those who patronize you or eat freely from you & be a better caterer! Sometimes, cook for people around you & ask that they rate your cooking, the real but firm ones! Be confident! The “world” may not accept you immediately but be persistent! I’d also like to say, be sure you have passion for it before you go into it! Don’t give up when the results don’t look like it. Be consistent!!!

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HOW TO STOP BEING SAD AND START FEELING HAPPY

Sadness is a base line feeling that feeds into all of our other feelings such as anger, frustration and fear. The deeper we bury the feeling of sadness the harder it is to feel happy.

Sadly, We live in a society where it is important to fit in . Leading a positive and happy life is highly valued and feeling sad or “blue” about life is not so valued. As a result, we are constantly trying to always be positive and happy. In our minds there is no room for sadness.

This is not a realistic way to live life, forcing happiness just to fit in is as good as eating a food that taste bad just to make the cook feel good.

Keeping up an impression of positivity and happiness when you are feeling sad is draining and hard work. If anything this charade will intensify your feelings of sadness, and you will struggle to find the pathway that will lead you to living a happy, resilient life.

The 5 key strategies below have helped me and they are practical ways for you to successfully manage sadness in your life so you that can have a life that flows with happiness.

1. Recognize Your Type of Sadness

There are 3 types of sadness that most of us fall into:

Short-Term Sadness

This is a passing mood that may last anything from a day to a week. Sometimes there is a reason for this feeling but sometimes there is not.

Generally lack of sleep, no physical activity and excess stress are associated with this sadness.

The best approach to dealing with this sadness is to lower your stress level by having a few nights of great sleep, getting active by doing some exercise and looking at ways to break up your routine.

Pampering your self, going for a massage, reducing alcohol intake and eating healthy food are effective ways to manage short-term sadness.

Trigger Sadness

This feeling of sadness has been activated as a result of a traumatic event that has happened to you, such as the death of someone close to you, losing your job, divorce or financial challenges. I can relate to this one totally because I experienced it for a longtime after my marriage broke.

This feeling of sadness can make you feel helpless and vulnerable and it does not go away overnight. The key to managing trigger sadness is looking for ways to support you to process these feelings and not bury them.

One way for you to manage these deep feelings of sadness is to talk about and share your feelings with someone who can console you, support you and counsel you. Having a supportive network of family and friends is key to you managing your feelings of sadness.

It is also wise to get professional support such as therapist to guide you through practical steps to processing your feelings of sadness.

Depression

If you feel sad, hopeless, helpless, unable to eat or sleep and have no energy for a period of time of more than one month or two, then you are likely to feeling depressed.

Depression is usually set off as a result of event that usually you would cope with. However, for some reason, your coping mechanism has broken down.

Depression is complicated and it can vary from person to person. If you have these feelings, then it is wise that you seek the advice of a doctor.

The strategies presented in the rest of this article can along with specialist support enable you to live a happy fulfilled life.

2. Identify What Happiness Means To You

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.” — Mary Anne Roadacher-Hershey

Happiness is the only cure for sadness. There is no other cure that works better. It sounds so easy to say however it is not so easy to achieve.

At its most basic level, happiness is a feeling that comes about as a result of us doing things in our lives that we love to do.

So if we are feeling sad, then we should take action and activities that brings a joy such as catching up with a friend, going for a walk, getting a massage, going out to dinner, going to the movies, or hiding away to read a good book. The list of activities that we can do that make us feel happy is extensive.

When we feel sad, we are more likely to want to withdraw and not do anything. We tend to disengage from everything that is going on around us.

The only way we can start to feel happy is to take action and start doing things.

We can never avoid the feelings of sadness, hurt or disappointment. However, we can deal with them in constructive ways that will help avoid excessive suffering.

It is so important to know what happiness means to you because when you know this, you will have meaning and purpose in your life. This is what brings to your life the feeling of happiness and the experiences of joy.

3. Commit To Practising These 3 Actions of Happiness Daily

When you are feeling sad, you are more likely to want to avoid people.

These 3 actions of happiness are very practical ways in which you take action to move away from feeling sad to feeling more joyous. All it takes is for you make a choice, take action and commit to consistently doing these actions of happiness.

 

Gratitude

Expressing gratitude on a daily basis and actively appreciating those people in your life who are important to you are very simple yet, powerful actions that will take you from a place of sadness to a more joyful place.

Acceptance

Accepting the things that you cannot change and acting on the things that you can change are key to you finding joy and peace in your life. Once you acknowledge the reality of your situation, you can then plan to take effective action that will enable you to move forward to a better place in your life.

Acts of Kindness

When you are feeling sad, your focus is very inward at self. Helping others is a great way to feel better about you. It is often the spontaneous acts of kindness that give us the most joy. Trust me this is a tested and trusted approach for me.

The more we help others and the more we interact and engage with people the less we tend to withdraw and focus inwardly on our feelings of sadness.

Happiness and joy are external feelings that need to be shared with others and an act of kindness is an effective way for us to share and feel joy with others.

 

4. Eliminate destination Happinness

Sudden happiness does not exist and the phrase “I will be happy when…” indicates that happiness comes when you get what it is you believe will make you happy.

Many people think that if they win the Lottery, then they will be happy – this is not true.

Be careful that you don’t equate happiness with momentary pleasure because if you do, you will eventually feel conflicted and discontent. It is these feelings will take you to a place of sadness.

Final Thoughts

Focus on looking for ways where you create a life where happiness is a feeling that you have total responsibility for – no one else, just you.

When you have created a life where you have attained this, then the phrase “I will be happy when…” is eliminated from your vocabulary.

How sad we feel and the reasons why we feel sad is different for everyone. The one thing we all have in common however, is that it is impossible for us to go from feeling sad to feeling happy instantly.

The above four strategies are practical ways that support you to manage your feelings of sadness where you are in control and empowered to choose to how you want to feel and how you want to live your life. Let’s hope you choose – happiness.

“If you look to others for fulfilment, you will never be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the world belongs to you.” — Lao Tzu

– Esther Ijewere™©

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9 SIGNS SOMEONE IS USING YOU

“Have you ever been exploited or used by someone close to you”?

“Has someone ever exploited you with the guise of love”?

“Do you feel a person is trying to take advantage of you but still act nice “?

“Has someone ever gone into an agreement with you, then become very sneaky and try to cheat you”?

If your answer is yes, then this article is for you trust me.

Read on…

Exploitation doesn’t just happen in professional sectors. Exploiting behaviors can happen in your own platonic, romantic, and familial relationships, too. Anyone can try to take advantage of or manipulate you, and that can make building relationships scary.

Exploitation can be very sneaky and covert. But if you’re able to recognize the signs, you’ll be able to nip it in the bud before it grows out of control and takes over your life.

Here are 8 signs someone is exploiting you;

1.   THEY SEEM ONLY TO BE INTERESTED IN SPECIFIC THINGS

The easiest way to determine that someone is exploiting you is what they seem to be most interested in from you. Yes, some relationships are mutually beneficial due to certain aspects, but your entire bond shouldn’t hinge on something you can give them.

Someone who is taking advantage of you will likely be spending time with you for selfish reasons, to get something out of you. These things may include:

Intimacy

Money

Food

Status

Transportation

A membership to a franchise, store, gym, or another similar establishment

Assistance

Emotional labor

If someone is only showing interest in being around you when one of these things is involved, they may be exploiting you. Sit them down and talk about your concerns, or establish a clear boundary on what you suspect they may be using you for, or stop offering that object at all. Their true colors will reveal themselves in time.

2.   YOU FEEL GUILTY ALL THE TIME

An exploiter often uses feelings like guilt and shame against you to coax you into giving them what they want. If you find yourself constantly feeling guilty to the point that it is affecting the decisions you make involving this person, they may have manipulated you to take advantage of you. It may feel like:

You are never giving or doing enough for them

They have been doing too much for you, and now you owe them

You are always making mistakes that you need to atone for

They are always suffering in some way or other, making you a bad person for saying “no” to them

Your actions, needs, or requests inconvenience them

It’s important to remember that you shouldn’t feel guilty for something forever. If you’ve atoned for a mistake, you needn’t make up for it for the rest of your life. One single action does not lead to a permanent need to atone. If a mistake you’ve made has ruined your entire relationship with someone to the point where it needs to be continuously made up for, it’s best to part ways.

3.   THEY ARE CONTROLLING

Someone who is exploiting you will also often try to control you. They need you in their grasp to keep you compliant, after all, and it’s challenging to take advantage of someone who you can’t control to some degree. Someone who is controlling you may attempt to:

Prevent you from doing certain things

Push you to participate in specific actions

Stop you from spending time with other people

Influence your decisions

The tricky part about this is that an exploiter may not be transparent about their control. They may use reverse psychology, mind games, and emotional manipulation to convince you to do what they want you to do, so you have to be extra cautious to detect this behavior.

If someone is actively controlling you in a clear and direct manner by blackmailing you, using fear, or threatening violence, seek help immediately from the relevant authorities.

4.   THEY PUNISH YOU INDIRECTLY

Indirect punishment is often not easily picked up on, as it doesn’t involve any obvious actions like hitting, shouting, or the declaration of a punishment. Instead, it involves a lot of passive aggression.

But even when passive punishment is not immediately apparent, you will likely notice it somehow. The negativity will cut through your positive thinking. It is through this method that an exploiter can punish you while maintaining an innocent and understanding facade.

Examples of indirect punishments are:

The silent treatment

Making things more difficult for you

Withdrawing already-promised assistance

Backhanded compliments

Saying things that can hurt you

5.   THEY ARE DISHONEST

There is no reason for an exploiter to be honest. If they were honest, they would tell you what their intentions are right off the bat, but that’s not what these manipulators do. They intentionally deceive you into achieving the results that they want. There’s no limit to what an exploiter may lie about. Some examples include:

Their life

Past or background

Personal values or opinions

Motivations

Emotions or feelings

If you have reason to believe someone is exploiting you, you should take everything they say with a pinch of salt. Don’t expect them to be honest with you. However, you can call them out on their behavior and specifically request honesty from them and see if they change their tune. Still, someone so deceptive will need to regain your trust through positive actions, and you do not have to give it to them freely.

6.   THEY PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WEAKNESSES

An exploiter can’t exploit you if they can’t find anything to use. As such, they may pay extra attention to your weaknesses. They may try to learn how to push your buttons to manipulate you. These weaknesses could be anything, from topics that tend to set you off, to your loved ones, to causes you’re especially sympathetic towards.

Though these weaknesses make you more susceptible to manipulation, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. These so-called weaknesses aren’t necessarily negative – they’re part of what makes you human. Of course, you care for your loved ones and hate when they are poorly spoken about. Of course, you believe in some causes and are passionate about them. That’s normal and healthy!

But it’s essential for you to keep in mind that these things that you feel strongly about can and will be used against you by an exploiter. By knowing this in advance, you can keep this in mind and be prepared.

7.   YOUR CONFIDENCE IS DROPPING

A change in your self-esteem with no discernable trigger could be due to an unknown exploiter. Toxic and abusive behavior is a widespread cause of a decline in confidence, self-esteem, and positive thinking, and it can stay with you for years and years

Manipulators and exploiters can often undermine you and ruin your self-esteem because they continually make you feel reduced to one specific use. You may wonder if they even like you at all or if you’re worth spending time. You may wonder if you can ever do anything right, or if everything you do is destined for failure.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that your self-worth is not defined by anyone else. Only you can set it. If someone is exploitative of you, it doesn’t detract from your value or worth in any way.

8.   THEY MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR REALITY

Gaslighting is a very commonly performed behavior that typically involves making the victim feel like they’re going crazy or losing their grip on reality. They twist events and situations in their favor, implying that you’re misremembering those events. They may use phrases like:

“Maybe you just weren’t paying attention.”

“You’re too emotional.”

“Woah, is your memory getting worse?”

“That’s obviously not what happened.”

“You’re taking this too seriously.”

But a lot of gaslighting is more complicated than one or two simple sentences. It involves slowly and deliberately making you question past events. If you aren’t aware of the manipulation, you may slowly begin to believe it, slowly losing confidence and positive thinking as you go. This is classified as abusive behavior.

If someone gaslights you, you can respond with the following statements:

“That isn’t my reality.”

“I understand your perspective, but that’s not how I see it.”

“We experienced that differently.”

“You cannot change what I experienced.”

someone exploiting you

9.   THEY SEEM TO HAVE DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES

It feels like you meet a different person every day with an exploiter. In various scenarios, they put on different masks, sometimes becoming unrecognizable.

As an example, they may be extremely polite and friendly in public but then morph into insulting and dismissive people behind closed doors. Why is this done? Well, someone who is taking advantage of you may need to make themselves look more positive or like the “good guy.” As such, they may do what they can to make sure that everyone around them has no reason to suspect their motives, making it difficult for you to seek help.

Another example is that they may seem kind and sweet to you one day, then cruel and biting the next. This is a form of indirect punishment and typically done to inform you that you’ve done something they don’t approve of.

FINAL THOUGHTS: TAKE SWIFT ACTION IF SOMEONE IS EXPLOITING YOU

So, should you immediately cut off anyone who does any of these signs someone is exploiting you? Not necessarily. Exploitative behavior can sometimes be unconscious, and while that doesn’t make it right, it does mean the actions are changeable. Sit down and talk to the person who is doing this to you with honest and direct communication and see if any changes come of it.

But if someone exploits you again and again, even after you speak to them and ask them to stop, it’s time to cut them off. Don’t feel ashamed of saying “Enough is enough” and showing an exploiter the door.

Esther Ijewere™©

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8 SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE A RELATIONSHIP

The beginning of a relationship can be a whirlwind of excitement. Flirtatious chats, all that intimate tension. Unfortunately, many of us have had these honeymoon stage feelings and only found out later that our partner wasn’t anywhere near ready to handle a relationship.

While the relationship can be fun and casual, you’ll also want to make sure that you know the signs of when your partner is really ready to take the next step into a mature and adult relationship. Some people just don’t have the experience, while others just aren’t ready to mature yet.

But how can you identify a mature partner?

“Many women talk about dating a “mature man”. What they’re really referring to is “emotional maturity.” An emotionally mature man is a man who won’t shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life,” says author Christian Carter.

Make sure you know the signs of when your partner is ready to take that next step with you.

Here are 8 Signs Your Partner Is Ready To Handle a Relationship

1. THEY’RE WILLING TO SHOW VULNERABILITY

If your significant other is flighty, cagey and doesn’t seem to want to open up, it may be a sign that they’re just not ready for a real relationship. After all, a key component of being in a relationship is the ability and the willingness to be vulnerable with your partner. Your partner should be willing to share their feelings with you, even when those feelings are upsetting or uncomfortable.

2. THEY’RE AUTHENTIC

Your partner should act and feel like a real person. You shouldn’t have to watch them put on a show for the people around you. If your partner is authentic, it means that they’re willing to stick to their core beliefs, and don’t feel a need to fake it around other people. Your partner should be entirely comfortable with who they are. If they aren’t, how are they going to be comfortable in a relationship?

If something comes up or things don’t go their way, they’re able to handle it with grace rather than throwing a fit. You want to be sure that your partner is able to go with the flow, because life and relationships are always going to be changing when we least expect it.

You don’t want a partner who is using you for financial gain.

“It is important that someone be able to take care of themselves emotionally and physically. If they can’t, they will never be able to provide the support they need to provide when that is called for,” says clinical psychologist and author Mark E. Sharp, Ph.D.

Having a partner who is flexible and easily able to handle change means that they’re definitely ready and mature enough to be in a relationship.

4. THEY’RE INTIMATE

Having a good sex life is a pretty important part of having a mature relationship. If your partner has troubles with intimacy, it may be a sign that they’re just not ready to take that step with you. And that’s okay! People move at their own pace. Your partner should always be intimate in ways that aren’t just limited to sex. They should be able to share their feelings with you, and share parts of themselves that they don’t with other people. That is an important part of intimacy.

5. THEY HAVE GOALS AND STICK WITH THEM

Having goals is good, but sometimes people just put them on a shelf and forget to actually try and achieve them. You want to make sure your partner has the ability to make goals and also follow through with them. If they want to lose a few pounds, your partner should have the control to change their diet or exercise in order to do so – instead of just saying they want to without doing anything.

5. THEY HAVE GOOD FINANCIAL HABITS

The hallmark of someone who isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship is their inability to handle their finances. They should be able to pay their bills on time without accidentally overspending on things that they shouldn’t. If your partner has good financial habits and isn’t constantly running out of money on things they don’t need, it’s safe to say they’re mature enough to handle a relationship.

7. THEY’RE A GOOD PERSON

Being a good person is a culmination of many things. How do they treat strangers, service workers, their friends and their parents? What are their values? How do they feel about helping others? A lot of being a good person is knowing when to be selfless. If your partner has a hard time thinking about anyone other than themselves, then they might not be ready to think about you.

A good person is one who has “respect and kindness in his words and actions. You don’t feel belittled or less than even if he isn’t happy with you. He stands with you and has your back when you are struggling. Your priorities become important to him,” says marriage counselor and author Lesli Doares.

8. THEY’RE SELF-AWARE

Your partner should be able to notice both their strengths and their weaknesses. You want a partner who has a balanced view of themselves. If they think too highly of themselves, they may not be able to recognize when they’re in the wrong. If they think too lowly of themselves, they may not have the self-esteem it takes to maintain a relationship. Keep an eye out for your partner’s self-awareness; it’ll be a huge indicator of when they’re ready for a relationship.

Lets me also add that a mature partner should respect your differences

Not only do they respect them, but they also appreciate them. Your partner should appreciate your differences, and respect you as a person enough to not try and change them. If you find that your partner can’t seem to see past your differences, it may be a sign they’re not ready to handle a relationship

Final thoughts

Making sure your partner hits these checkpoints of maturity is important to knowing whether or not they’re really ready for a relationship. But at the same time, it’s important that you can say the same thing about yourself, as well! Relationships take two people to work, and you want to make sure you’re not holding your partner to a higher standard than yourself.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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8 SIMPLE WAYS TO BUILD YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE

“Do you want to attract people to you effortlessly”?

“Do people warm up to you easily”?

If you have confidence in yourself and your abilities or you want to boost your confidence level, then this article is for you.

Read on….

With Confidence, you’re more likely to try different things and take risks—ask your boss for a raise or promotion, approach an attractive guy or girl in public, or start working out.

Confidence is something that is often easy to notice in people, but is difficult to figure out what exactly it is they’re doing that is making them so visibly confident.

Here are 8 things that confident people do regularly and that you can implement immediately to start building your confidence.

1. Listen

Confident people listen and hear what others have to say. This is a way to remain open-minded and understand others’ perspectives. One of the best tips I was ever told was to listen to someone’s viewpoint and wait at least three seconds to reply. If you reply too soon, you’re defending your response or replying with your own thoughts and it’s likely that you didn’t actually listen—you were concentrated on your perspective. As you wait to reply, the other person is also more likely to reveal more about themselves. Next time you feel the urge to reply immediately in a conversation, stop, wait for three seconds, and really let that other person’s words sink in.

2. Smile

Something as simple as smiling more can do wonders to improve your mood and stress levels. Smiling makes your brain feel like you are happy, which in turn projects positivity to the rest of your body. Next time you are walking down the street or around the halls at school or work, smile at the first person you see and notice the change in your mood.

3. Encourage others

Confident people are aware of their abilities and don’t feel threatened by others. Instead, confident people encourage others to be successful and inspire others to seek out beneficial opportunities. Next time someone approaches you—a coworker, friend, colleague—about an opportunity they have or are interested in, encourage and inspire them to go through with it.

4. Ask about others

Confident people don’t feel the need to talk about themselves every chance they get. Yes, they want to be heard, but they don’t feel a need to prove themselves. This confidence allows them to get to know another person quicker, as they are making that person feel like the most important person in the room. Next time you’re talking to someone you don’t know (or barely know), try to keep the conversation about them while being genuine. To do this, use a mental framework called FORGE: family, occupation, relationships, goals, environment. Once you find something that they seem passionate about or that you have in common, go further on that topic. Once a person realizes you’re genuinely interested in them, they are more likely to open up.

5. Think confidently

Thinking confidently may seem obvious or easy, but it’s important (and sometimes harder than you’d think). To think confidently, try remembering a time when you felt confident in a situation. Maybe after you received a compliment from someone after your last presentation, you felt great about yourself and confident in your skills. Before you give your next presentation or speech, remember how this felt, and remember that other people saw how well you performed previously—this lets your brain know you are more than capable of succeeding because you’ve done it before.

6. Dress for success

This may seem vain, but the way you dress impacts how you feel. Think about it— you don’t put on dress clothes to lounge around all day, watching Netflix. So, the same holds true if you want to feel confident. Next time you go into a situation where you need to feel confident (a presentation, negotiation, crucial conversation, etc.) wear clean, well-kept clothes that fit properly and notice how more confident you feel.

8. Meditate

Meditation is one of the best ways to improve your presence, and presence is one of the key contributors of charisma. Confident people have great awareness of the situation around them and they focus all their energy and attention on those they are talking with. Meditating opens your mind to feeling in the moment, and when you’re in the moment it’s easier to see your abilities and skills in action, which can help you to feel more confident in yourself. Meditating can improve your mindfulness and make you more aware of your own thoughts. If you can recognize your thoughts, you’re able to catch the negative ones before they manifest in your body and turn them into positive thoughts, which will help you to feel more confident.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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6 SECRETS YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

“Have you ever told someone more they need to know “?

“Have you had a phone conversation and right after you regret saying more than you should”?

Well, you are not alone….. This article is just for you,

Continue reading….

Truth is Lots of us have a bad habit of wearing our hearts on our sleeves. This can make us an open book even to strangers. We definitely don’t want that – mystery is the spice of life, after all. Keeping a clear distinction between your personal life and your professional life is a difficult (but very important) skill to master. You have to be very picky who you share your secrets with, because, unfortunately, not everyone has good intentions.

Importantly, you need to be careful to make sure that the details of your personal life can’t be used to hurt you. It’s useful to have a basic list of certain personal information you should never share with others. If you don’t know how to make your own list, we’re here to help. In fact, we’ve combined some secrets you should always try to keep to yourself, no matter how strong the urge to share them with everyone.

According to Joan Collins; “The secret of having a personal life is not answering too many questions about it.”

HERE ARE 6 SECRETS TO NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

1. Past Resentments

We all have negative stories about our personal life to tell about people we don’t like. (Remember those schoolmates or former colleagues that you held a grudge against years ago – and maybe still do? Yeah, same here.) It’s always best to let go of these feelings and discuss them as little as you can in public. This is for you as much as for others, because negativity is exhausting. Not just to feel but also to listen to. People prefer communicating with positive conversation partners, those who have interesting insights to provide – not ones who gripe about some other people they don’t even know. Let go of whatever’s weighing you down. Try to focus on the present and you’ll find that more and more people will be keen to talk to you.

2. Material Belongings

As we all know, certain things in life are far more important than their cost. But sometimes, we can’t help but brag about the new car we have, or the new phone we just bought at an exclusive price. As much as Parks and Recreation might tell you otherwise, your colleagues don’t want to know about how you’ve been treating yourself. It can make you come off as arrogant and overly obsessed with the monetary value of things rather than their unique significance. Modesty is a wonderful accessory. You should try and spread it throughout your conversations.

3. Goals for the Future

You might find this unlikely, but there is actually science behind the fact that you’re much more likely to achieve your long-term goals if you don’t share them with others. When you tell others about your future aspirations, you almost feel as if the enjoyment of achieving the goal has been taken from you. As a result, you don’t work as hard towards it. If you keep your goals to yourself, however, you have a much higher chance of achieving them. And once you have done that, feel free to tell the whole world about it.

4. Your Income

Only one group of people should be allowed to know the details of your income: the people who work in your bank. Money is never a nice subject to talk about in public because you never know what anyone’s financial situation looks like. It may seem like you’re bragging without meaning to. Money – and knowledge about finances – can shift relationships irreparably. Once your financial situation becomes public knowledge, people just start looking at you differently without being able to help it. To save yourself from that kind of awkward situation, keep the details of your income to your bank statements.

5. Good Deeds

You may have heard that good deeds always attract good karma. That’s true, and you should never be discouraged from doing good – however, if you start bragging about it, it takes on a whole different perspective. Once you brag about something good that you’ve done, you’re making it all about yourself, thus invalidating the good that you’ve already created. Many of the greatest philanthropists in the world remain anonymous for a very good reason. When you do a charitable deed, you want the attention to be on the people or the cause that you’re helping and not on yourself.

6. Family Problems

Whether it’s your extended family or your blood relatives, keep the problems in the family. Don’t abuse people’s trust. You’ve been told those secrets because you are close to these people, but they haven’t allowed you to spread them around to everyone in your social circle. They confided in you, and breaking that confidence is the worst thing you could possibly do. Be respectful of other people’s secrets. In return, you can expect for them to treat you the same

– Esther Ijewere™©

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7 SIGNS SOMEONE IS JEALOUS OF YOU (AND HOW TO FIX IT)

“Have you ever felt like a friend or family is jealous of you”?

“Do you have friends who love to compete with you”?

Nothing feels worse than achieving a goal or becoming successful in an endeavor and discovering that the people around you don’t feel proud or positive about it – but rather, they feel jealous. A person’s jealous feelings can cause them to act unkindly towards us, especially in the face of our own achievements or success.

Everyone has felt this unpleasant emotion at least once in their lives, and most likely much more than that. It seems much harder to deal with when other people feel jealous towards us, though. After all, we can control how we feel, but we can’t control other people’s emotions. Recognizing the signs that someone is jealous of you can be the first step to fixing it.

Here are 7 signs if someone’s jealous of you ;

1. Downplay your Success

No matter what you achieve or how hard you worked to do so, jealous people will always try to make it seem like it was a fluke, or that you didn’t work as hard as you did to achieve your success. The reasons that they come up with may be rude or condescending. Rising to their bait will only make them more likely to talk poorly. Stay humble but firm in your achievements. If you brag, they may be more likely to stay jealous of you.

“People who will envy you the most are the ones who are in need the most of what you possess,” says M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

2. False Praise

When someone is jealous of you, they’re often the first to give you a compliment that sounds sincere, or seems to be dripping with passive aggression. However, you’ll find that these people will be rolling their eyes the minute you leave the room.

They would rather pretend they’re not jealous than address the issue. One way to turn it back around is to give them sincere compliments when something good happens to them. It may help them see that you’re a genuine person, and help curb their jealousy.

3. Flaunting their Success

Someone who is jealous of you may be more inclined to flaunt their success more than it’s really worth flaunting. They may be more inclined to flaunt their own achievements while you’re celebrating your own. These are the type of people to get engaged at a wedding.

But why do they flaunt their success in the first place?

Because chances are, they’re not as successful as you are. Author Bob Bly states, “There are always people who are filled with negative thoughts — not only about others whom they envy (you) but also about themselves and their perceived failure to having achieved their goals (which are often to own their own business or be richer than they are).”

While it may be frustrating, getting upset is only going to make them feel more justified in their behavior. Instead, offer them sincere praise in their achievements. Leading by example is a good way to alter someone’s behavior.

4. They’re are Imitating You

Someone who is jealous of you alternatively wants to be better than you, and also be just like you. They may imitate the way you talk or the way you dress in order to feel better about themselves. Instead of allowing this to upset you, try to encourage them to go their own way. When they’re doing their own thing, give them positive reinforcement. Show them that they don’t have to be you to be great, and that they can be their own person.

5. They’re are competitive

Jealous people tend to be highly competitive, because they always want to be the one reaping the success or as clinical psychologist Melanie Greenberg says, they are “either insecure or arrogant and want to prove superiority.”

While it can be tempting to take them down a peg, refuse to make the competition unhealthy, or even refuse to participate. If they try to argue with you about a job promotion, just simply tell them: “It isn’t a competition.” Refusing to play into their game will make them less likely to try and continue to one up you.

jealousy

6. Celebrating your failures

Someone who is jealous is going to privately feel very good about when you make mistakes, or get reprimanded or corrected at work or school. While they may never show it, they’re often secretly enjoying your failures. Handle your mistakes with grace! You can always remind them that making mistakes are part of life and learning. If you’re not upset, they’re not getting the enjoyment out of it that they thought they would.

7. They gossip behind your back

Jealous people will always find a way to talk about you behind your back. It’s not fun, and the things they say can be malicious and hurtful. The best way to deal with someone who does this may be just to confront them directly.

Since jealous people don’t tend to be outwardly confrontational, talking to them seriously about what they’re doing may be enough to get them to rethink their behavior, or to get it to stop entirely.

My final thoughts

Dealing with someone else’s jealousy can be a tricky situation. You may feel the desire to just tell them off. But, dealing with a jealous person in a non-confrontational and positive manner is ultimately better for both you and the other person. They may feel a lot of self-esteem issues that they need to work through, and getting upset with them won’t fix or deal with their jealous tendencies. Knowing the signs of a jealous person will make it easier to fix and handle in a positive and productive manner.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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