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Esther Ijewere:15 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Two days ago Girl child advocate Olamide Alli was gruesomely murdered by the father of her kids, he plucked out her eyes, took out her braids with pliers and stabbed her 11 times, then killed himself afterwards.

The relationship which was started when she was 17 years old was described as toxic and controlling by many who knew the couple when they were alive.

Many women have been programmed to endure abusive relationships, an age long tradition of keeping face and suffering and smiling that make many women redundant or send them to their early grave.

However, Domestic Violence is a two way traffic, as men also suffer violence in relationships, but ego and societal perception of being seen as weak make them endure.

Three years ago there was a popular case of a lawyer who stabbed her husband thrice in the back and several times on his private part. Some tagged it a crime of passion while some women came to her defense , but I won’t support such irresponsible act, just because the culprit has the “W” tag. No justification for violence of any kind!!!!

Man or Woman no one deserves to die in such a way.

We nee to continue advocating for the rule of “Walking Away”, and stop telling people to manage abusive relationships, you are saving them from being killed or stopping them from killing out of psychological torture.

Abusive  relationships are unfortunately very common. They come in forms of physical abuse and emotional abuse, in which both are equally as devastating.

Most are just pushed under the rug, in hopes their partners will change, out of fear of their partner, thinking it is just a momentary reaction or thinking it is completely normal. Abusive relationships are definitely unhealthy, and should not be continued. An abusive partner normally will never change, no matter how much they claim they are going to.

Here are signs you are in an abusive relationship and why you need to walk away ;

  1. Being treated as a property or sexual object

2.Others see the abuser as a very nice person and the abuser acts very pleasant and loving between acts of violence

  1. Denying the seriousness of the violence and /or blaming it on circumstances like stress, anger, partners behaviour, drugs, alcohol or other reasons

4. Constant jealousy , calls and/or surprise visits.

5. Controlling and/or treating you like a child such as interrogating intensely, tracking location, having to ask permission to go places or try new things, keeping all the money, and asking for receipts and proof of what you’ve been up to

6. Unrealistic expectations of perfect behavior and treatment

7. Isolation from family, friends, cars, phones, jobs, and/or the public

8. Name calling, degrading, and/or humiliating

  1. Manipulating your emotions and making you feel like you’re the problem

10. Easily insulted, angered, or saddened

11. Feeling fear, nervous, unsafe, trapped, or hopeless

12. Forceful sex

13. Blaming others for mistakes

  1. Arguing constantly and quickly.

Feel free to add other signs you know, remember nothing is worth losing your life/or going to jail for.

Walking away cost you nothing , just tell your legs to receive common sense before your hands get you in trouble.

 

“Esther is an activist, Writer, Columnist, Author and editor-in-chief & founder -Women of Rubies. She is passionate about issues that affect women and children. 

Facebook: Esther Ijewere

Twitter & IG : @Estherijewere

LinkedIn: Esther Ijewere

Email: admin@womenofrubies.com

 

 

 

 

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“I Was Sexually Abused By My Uncle From Age 7”- Dr. Timi Oyebode, Therapist

Dr. Timi Oyebode is the Founder/ Head Counselor at Attitude Development International, an Organization focused on promoting Professional Counseling & Counseling Education in Africa. She is the provost ADI Counselling School Lagos. Timi is a Seasoned, Passionate and Certified Professional COUNSELOR with over sixteen (16) years’ experience working with individuals, couples, and families.
Her focus is on Emotional Wellness, Self-Discovery, Trauma, Abuse, Addiction and Sex Recovery Therapy which had made her connect with various persons at different levels of need.  She runs a Yearly Retreat for Couples, Emotional Empowerment Sessions for women, Mentorship Forums, Counseling Outreaches to Prisons, IDP/Refugee, rehab Camps and a vibrant Counseling Clinic.
Dr Timi Oyebode has a Ph.D.,  M.A. and PGDE in Counselling. She holds a Master Practitioner Certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and Trauma Recovery Therapy
She is a chartered Mediator & Conciliator with Institute of Charter Mediators &Conciliators (ICMN), member of International Association of Counselling(IAC), Member Counselling Association of Nigeria (CASSON), Member Association of Christian Counselors in Nigeria and President, African Network of
Professional Counselors. She is passionate about mental health, people having access to Professional Therapy work and also helping Counselors and Psychotherapists particularly in Africa to get a good grip on their practice.
She is a speaker at International and national conferences, trainings, meetings, TV & radio on Trauma and recovery. She shares her Inspiring journey in this interview.

Childhood Preparation

Yes there are so many things in my childhood that prepared me for what I do now including being a victim of trauma and child sexual abuse. Today as a survivor, I just want to see others live life free and fulfilled.  I am the eldest of 3 and only girl of my parents, grew up in Ibadan Oyo State and had all the security of an ideal family until tragedy struck first with sexual abuse and then the death of my father when I was 9 years old.  Actually the earliest memory of my sexual abuse was at age 7 with one of my uncles, this continued even after my dad’s death to include rape, abuse and sexual violation from other relatives and spiritual leaders as well.

I was traumatized, depressed and suicidal… although my immediate family members weren’t aware of many of my struggles as a young girl with low self esteem, battered mindset and oppressive nightmares. At some point, I started struggling with sexual choices like porn, masturbation, homosexuality etc. I knew I needed help but was lost on where and how to get it.

In October 2000, I had an encounter and my journey to healing, restoration & recovery began. In 2003, I was in for my first trial at therapy and I knew I needed to make this happen for some other hurting souls. Emotional wellness and healing is our rights. So after my first degree in English language, I went for a 2nd degree and PhD in Counselling.

Inspiration behind  ADI Nigeria

After working with Real Woman Foundation (Pst.Nike Adeyemi) for over 7 years as Head Counselor, I knew that there is a huge gap to the availability of professional mental/ emotional helpers and counselors, in Nigeria. Hence, the burden was laid on my heart to fill that void.

ADI was birth to aid the availability and promotions of therapeutic help, professional counseling and counseling education in Nigeria and Africa at large.

To enable those who desire to acquire training in the help professing but have little or no access to the western world where this is readily available.

The hope of bringing therapeutic help (as a means to deal with emotional and mental problems) closer to Africans was the paramount inspiration.

Being  an Emotional wellness, trauma and self- discovery expert, with 16 years experience

Though it had been quite a huge task to make our people accept and appreciate professional counseling, I can still say boldly, the journey had been engaging and fulfilling.  The ability to stand in the gap for many, bring healing, hope and restoration to victims (families, couples, individuals) of trauma, abuse and addiction had indeed been worthwhile.

Also having to see and hear the testimonies of many trained and professional counselors from ADI who are being able to confidently meet the emotional and mental needs of people in their communities while fulfilling their own dreams and desire  is incomparable. Counting the number of clients including victims of Depression, Trauma, Divorce, Suicidal Tendency, Anger, Addiction, Anxiety etc, who daily comes into our counseling centre and leaves with smiles on their faces, makes the journey indeed worthwhile.

Being a member of several organisations, the roles I play and how has it impacted me positively

I am a registered member of various counseling bodies both home and abroad; including Counseling Association of Nigeria (CASSON), Association of Christian Counselors in Nigeria(ACCNIG), Christian Counselling Educational Foundation(CCEF), International Association of Counselling (IAC), Institute of Chartered Mediators & Conciliators(ICMC) and African Network of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO).  I am involved in all the associations, volunteering and actively serving in varying capacities.

I am the present President of Africa Network of Professional Counsellors, an organization focus on empowering counselors and psychotherapists across Africa, or working with Africans. Our primary goal is to be a rallying point and voice of reasoning/ professionalism for Psychotherapists & Counsellors across Africa

Why oppressed and damaged people sometimes do same to others

There are so many damaged, wounded or traumatized people in our world. Trauma means ‘wound’ – an inner/emotional wounds that plaques an individual, often due to an earlier or childhood abuse, oppression or damages and while there are various symptoms exhibited by victims of trauma, Dr. Cranes gave us about 9 responses or reactions associated with victims, amongst which is Trauma pleasuring.

Trauma pleasuring- a response which shows a victim of trauma taking pleasure in the pain caused to them and even seeing the pain in others gives them pleasure or momentary ease from their own pain. Hence it seems as if the initial victim is enjoying the pain or enjoys seeing others go through the same pain he/she went through. This is also known as sadistic personality disorder (SPD) in which, an individual display cruel behavior and enjoys inflicting pain on other. In other words, the suffering of others gives pleasure and observing that suffering feels good.

It is a form of mental illness often traceable to childhood trauma and those who exhibit this character are better perceived as ‘unwell’ rather than ‘wicked’ and should be encouraged to seek trauma therapy to aid their recovery.

Wellness nuggets for women who don’t know when to take a break and detox.

Keeping our emotional well-being balanced is no easy task… especially for women. Pressures and life demands can sometimes make it all hard to figure out. However, being able to manage your emotions and have healthy relationships with others is vital to your emotional wellness.

To every woman out there, struggling to keep it all together. Here are my advice

Know yourself. Know your thoughts and be able to identify your emotions and feelings. Take time to identify your triggers and know when to take a break. Get to know your emotional-self better, a visit to a counselor or use of self-help personality/temperament assessment online and even journaling of daily thoughts can help you.

Be positive. While we all get in a bad mood once in a while and there is nothing abnormal about that, constantly maintaining a negative attitude will only eat away at your internal happiness. If you keep this mind-frame long enough, nothing will ever seem like a good situation when you only focus on the bad.  Noticing how often you think or say negative things is the first step towards having a positive attitude. Then, work on limiting the amount of negative thoughts and speech you use every day. If you need help with this, try keeping a journal or asking a friend or family member to point out when you are being a “Negative Nacy”.

Ask for Help. If you are suffering from emotional distress, it’s okay to ask for help.  There are no prizes handed out for who can bury their emotions the most. It doesn’t make you stoic or strong to keep the emotional turmoil all to yourself. Talking to someone you trust can be enough to ease the negative emotions brought on by a bad day. If more help is needed, seeking the advice of a mental health professional doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to to take care of your mental health. And if you aren’t sure of where to find them, contact us at ADI Counselling.

Keeping Boundaries. Establishing boundaries with people in your life will contribute to your mental well-being. While it’s best to be nice to others in your life, there will be times when they cross the line and it’s up to you to tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you. For example, it doesn’t make you a bad person to tell your neighbors that they should give you a call or a text instead of coming over unannounced. Advocating for yourself and your emotional needs will keep you from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s expectations and behaviors.

Self-Acceptance. Sometimes the expectations you set for yourself are more than the expectations others have for you. It’s okay to give yourself a break and let the self-judgment and self-doubt go. You won’t ever feel at ease in the world or with yourself if you are constantly talking negatively about yourself. If you wouldn’t let a stranger call you “stupid”, “ugly”or “not good enough” then you shouldn’t let yourself say those things. Just like with negative thoughts in general, becoming aware and then learning how to manage negative self talk is key to learning how to accept yourself.

Challenges

The major challenge we had over the years is getting Government approval and local accreditation… as the various government ministries claim their scope doesn’t cover what we do. After 5 years of requesting we finally got Lagos State to give an approval. It had also been challenging to make people view counseling as a career and that these professionals need to be paid for their services. People struggles to accept the need to pay for therapy. They feel it should be free.

Another challenge is access to resources and materials to aid and support our African professional counsellors.

Other projects and activities

I am a regular invited speaker at conferences& religious meetings.

I am an author

I run a quarterly mentoring forum

I run a periodic emotional empowerment meeting for women

I run a yearly retreat for couples

I run counseling and emotional wellness outreaches to schools, communities, prisons, IDP & Refugee camps.

Being a Woman of Rubies and more

I am a survivor, a pillar of strength, a conqueror and a woman on assignment… my life goal is simply to bring others out of the dungeon of pain and trauma to living life free, full and fulfilled.

For those who just walked out of abusive relationships

You are a survivor, the person who misused you never knew your worth as one of the best humans life could offer. So it’s not your loss but his/her.  Engage is some good self-love routine, find purpose and commit yourself to it.  Go into therapy and begin your journey into recovery.

The journey to healing may take a while and often better not walked alone, so be patient with yourself, get support and life would smile on you soonest.

For those who need certification

If you desire a certification in professional counseling or wants to know how to run a therapy business or just want to acquire more skills in Counselling. If  you need to see a professional counselor or needs help to deal with marital problems, teenage problems, emotional problems, trauma, addiction etc

Do not hesitate to contact us at ADI Counselling Centre, 25 Ladipo Kasumu street off Tinuade street opposite FirstBank Allen Ikeja, Lagos.

You can follow her on FB, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter as: @TimiOyebode
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5 Psalms For People Who Struggle With Anxiety

Anxiety and depression are two words that I desperately wish were not in my personal vocabulary and experience. But, they are. God allowed me to walk through several years in the valley of the shadow of death and now that I’m on the other side of it, I believe He had my good in mind. I believe He taught me things in the valley that I could never have learned on the mountaintop. I believe that He wanted to prove to me that I truly am never alone, though I felt it many times. I believe He wanted to teach me that my feelings do not equate truth. God wanted to show me parts of Himself that I might never have known otherwise.

My season of depression is over for now; however, the anxiety can creep in, often unannounced, and leave me reeling. Sometimes the fear is so thick that I just know if I reach out my hands I can touch it. Sometimes the fear and anxiety keep me awake at night.

I know I’m not the only one that struggles. God has taught me much on this journey and I hope that these verses and these words will remind you that you also aren’t alone, you aren’t forsaken, and the God of the universe loves you. He longs for you to trust Him even through seasons where we don’t understand what is happening around us or in us.

For me, praying God’s Word in particular has been one thing that has helped me my heart so much. Sometimes in the depth of despair we don’t feel like we have the words to pray. So, instead, God gives us His own word and we pray it back to Him. We want to be close to God but don’t know how. His Word provides that closeness and nearness of Himself. He gives us Himself through the gift of His Word. His Word can be your lifeline, friend, don’t take it for granted!

Here are some of my favorite verses to pray when I’m struggling. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Psalm 23 – This passage is so well known to most people, but don’t overlook the profound truth and comfort this Psalm brings to us just because you’ve heard it many times before. Speak the words to God:

“God, You are my shepherd, I lack nothing. You make me lie down in green pastures, You lead me beside still waters, You restore my soul. You lead me in paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me! Your rod and your staff, they comfort me! You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in Your house forever. Amen.” Psalm 23:1-6

Psalm 27 – This Psalm is one of my life verses. I’ve struggled a lot with people pleasing which I think leads to anxiety so often. Wondering and worrying and becoming fearful of what others think or what they might do or say about us. We can’t live in that place! We must preach the gospel to ourselves and remind our hearts the The LORD alone is our light and our salvation!

“God, You are my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? You are the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked come against me to eat up my flesh, my enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell. Though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear!” Psalm 27:1-3

Psalm 34 – I like to think of this Psalm as the Psalm for the brokenhearted and fearful one. God love the brokenhearted, you know. And we are all broken, by the way.

“I will bless You at all times, Your praise will continually be in my mouth. I sought You, Lord, and You heard me, You delivered me from all my fears. When we look to You we are radiant. Your angels encamp all around those who fear You and You deliver us. Help me to taste and see that You are good, oh Lord. You say I will be blessed when I trust You. Those who seek You lack no good thing.” Psalm 34:1-10

Psalm 61 – Isn’t it encouraging to read the words of David, a Bible hero, who struggled like we do? That may be one of the reasons the Psalms are my favorite place to camp in God’s Word when I’m struggling. I especially like Psalm 61 in the New King James because of the word “overwhelmed.” I have spent seasons living in an overwhelmed state. When I find myself there, I pray these words:

“Hear my cry, O God; from the ends of the earth I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you are a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy…” Psalm 61:1-3

Psalm 91 – Psalm 91 is another Psalm with such comfort that helps us learn how much it truly impacts us when we abide in Christ. Psalm 91 tells us that when we abide or dwell in the shelter of the Most High, we can REST in His shadow. He gives us rest from our worry, from our fears, from our anxiety.

“You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

When the anxiety sets in, repeat some of these verses out loud. Speak them to God. Memorize His Word. Cling to these truths. Repeat to the Lord, “I trust You, I trust You…” and when we abide in Christ, the peace that passes all understanding begins to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-6

Did you catch the beautiful truth in that passage? Prayer brings peace. When we are anxious about anything we are instructed to take it to God – with thanksgiving even! And then? Then, the peace of God, which we may never understand, will GUARD our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Prayer brings peace. Prayer gives us more of Jesus. And that is just what we need in our moments and seasons of anxiety: more of Jesus.

Note – If you or a loved one struggles with anxiety, depression or any mental illness, please reach out for help! Tell someone, a friend, a spouse, or your doctor. There is help, hope and healing available for you! Do not suffer alone.

Candace Crabtree is just a broken mama thankful for grace and new mercies every morning. She and her husband live in East Tennessee where they homeschool their 3 kids. Candace also enjoys teaching piano, coffee, good books and blogging at His Mercy Is New. On her blog she shares encouragement for weary women from God’s Word along with resources for learning to pray the Scriptures. 

Source: I believe

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Ene Abah: Fighting Sexual Violence Is Our Collective Responsibility

We work far from home, away from our families, under a lot of pressure. People easily get vulnerable and have so much pent up energy inside of them. In places like this, stories of sexual misconduct are not uncommon, so finding ways to protect oneself is always necessary. At the time these incidents took place, there was a certain fear that came over me and I wondered if there might be another incident as I saw these men every day. Unconsciously, I paid more attention to what I wore around the house. Society has a way of inculcating the idea in women that they are responsible for incidents of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents seemed trivial and I didn’t have much reason to speak about them.

Before asking, he warned me by saying I have something to ask and I hope it won’t offend you. I told him to go ahead. Then he asked me if he could take me in his arms (direct translation). I immediately said no and moved on to talking about something else. We were watching a programme on TV and the question came out of nowhere. This conversation all happened in French and the French language can seem unnecessarily intimate sometimes. We lived together, he was one of my flatmates. I reckoned he just wanted a hug but the way he asked, it came off as a bit creepy to me. Sometimes, you click with people and feel comfortable enough to hug each other, it never crossed my mind to hug this colleague.

One day, like every other time, I took a walk with another colleague, which was a normal thing. This one was my buddy, we got along very well. He was one of the ones I was comfortable with and would hug every now and then in greeting. He was quite excited on this day and was chatting away. When we got to the spot we wanted to reach, the view was beautiful. I stood admiring it then I felt someone hugging me from behind. It could only have been him as the other people around were not close enough. I was slightly confused as I stood there. Someone hugging me from behind suggests a few things to me. Unsure of what may have followed, I broke the contact by suggesting that we take a selfie. It worked. Afterward, he posed for me to take photos of him, and at that moment, I said a silent prayer to God, “please let there be nothing more, let it be that his excitement got him carried away”. As we walked back, we talked as usual but before we could go far, he apologised. He said he was sorry if his action made me uncomfortable. I was relieved and said it was okay especially as I didn’t want to walk back in awkward silence. Then I chided myself for not saying ‘if it happens again, that’s when we would have a problem’. But I think he was smart enough to know that. 

I like to give people the benefit of doubt until they prove me wrong. In scenario A, I think the guy simply wanted a hug. Who knows, he may have been missing home, but I was not going to give him any ideas or take the place of his wife. In scenario B, I worked very closely with this person for over a year before this happened. If he were hitting on me, it would ruin everything at work. In the light of #metoo, were I to voice out any of these, it could have people’s fathers and husbands out of work. Which I would hate to be responsible for. 

You might wonder why a hug is such a big deal. We work far from home, away from our families, under a lot of pressure. People easily get vulnerable and have so much pent up energy inside of them. In places like this, stories of sexual misconduct are not uncommon, so finding ways to protect oneself is always necessary. At the time these incidents took place, there was a certain fear that came over me and I wondered if there might be another incident as I saw these men every day. Unconsciously, I paid more attention to what I wore around the house. Society has a way of inculcating the idea in women that they are responsible for incidents of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents seemed trivial and I didn’t have much reason to speak about them. 

I am lucky not to have any rape stories but I equally live in some sort of fear. I am a front-line worker, I work in the humanitarian world. This means we work in places where there is conflict/war. We work in rural areas and in the most insecure places to assist vulnerable people. We have to interact with people from armed groups and there are always some who have little or no respect for order.

The last time I was given a post-rape kit, I was told how to use the contents in case of rape while I’m out on the field. I was also given condoms as part of the kit. My colleague made light of it when he explained that were I to be faced with rape, I could try to talk the potential rapist into using the condom by saying I have HIV. I could see that that was his way of trying to make us at ease while he was struggling to have such a difficult conversation. I laughed at some point to help him but then the female colleague I was with shared a glance of understanding. The world has come to that point, so I always have my condoms in my bag since I’m on the field often! I try not to think of possible rape scenarios while I’m on the field, but it is one of the many risks that come with my job.

Sexual assault, abuse, violence has been on the rise in our dear country, or maybe we are just becoming conscious of how bad the situation is. It is infuriating to know that the perpetrators commit these acts and walk free. I think of how these women might have felt in the moments of their abuse and all I can think of is fear. Fear paralyzes the victim, it makes the victim shut up, it encourages self-blame and so many other things. For those who are unable to speak out, the burden is very heavy!  It takes a lot of courage to speak up and we need to create an enabling environment for victims to feel safe, to come forward, and then necessary actions should be taken. Shaming rape victims, when they speak out, should not be condoned at all.

Society needs to stop covering people up because it only enables rapists. A wife trying to save her marriage, a sibling trying to protect a sibling, making excuses for the rapist… all these need to stop! This cover-up only sets the breeding ground for more rapists. We cannot get tired of speaking about this issue. We have a collective responsibility to call out and punish rapists, and to protect vulnerable people/victims when they eventually speak out.

About Ene Abah

Ene Abah is an adventure lover, naturalista, food lover, travel lover, writer and is particular about sending positive vibes to others. Some of her interests are in writing, travelling, reading and generally enjoying life. Ene’s writing has been published in Top Chic magazine, Imbue magazine and on Imbue’s website. She blogs at http://belletammy.blogspot.com.ng/ Follow her on Twitter @tammyabah and on instagram @belle.tammy

Source: Bellanaija

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#MondayMotivation| 7 Ways To Deal With Overbearing Clients

What is your best tip for dealing with overbearing customers/clients?The following answers are provided by Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC), invite-only organization comprised of the world’s most promising young entrepreneurs. In partnership with Citi, YEC recently launched StartupCollective, a free virtual mentorship program that helps millions of entrepreneurs start and grow businesses.

1. Use Your “Spa Voice”

I have this thing I’ve always used — whether it’s for angry friends, bosses or teachers — called my “Spa Voice.” I soften my speaking, acknowledge what they’re saying and don’t raise my voice in a way that could be at all misconstrued. Doing this not only calms them down, but allows you to have the upper hand against their complaints as you’re giving them no fuel for their fire. – Rob Fulton, Exponential Black

2. Kill Them with Kindness

The customer is always right, especially with a consumer facing product like ours. You sometimes get overbearing and demanding users, who either nitpick or are just not happy with anything you do. I find it best to agree and listen. Most of the time they are unhappy or disjointed about something that’s happening in their personal life and they are taking it out on you. So just grin and bear it.  – Joseph DiTomaso, AllTheRooms

3. Just Start

Even if it’s small, just taking the first step with them is the most crucial part. – Wade Foster, Zapier

4. Keep Communication to Email

Unless it can be solved with a lightning quick phone call, keep the communication with the customer to email. Have an auto-reply only to that customer notifying that you check email three times a day, at 9 a.m., 12 p.m. and 4 p.m. This will manage their expectations and give them time to figure out the issues themselves. – Adam Stillman, SparkReel

5. Fire Them

I’m not one for customers that are overbearing and take up way more time than they should. If you’ve pulled all the stops and worked with them to the point of insanity, it’s time to fire them. In the beginning you can’t do this. But once you develop stronger relationships you can choose. Sometimes it’s not worth your mental capacity to deal with overbearing customers. – John Rampton, Host

6. Set and Enforce Boundaries

Just because someone calls you on the weekend doesn’t mean you have to answer the phone. Just because they email you at night doesn’t mean you have to respond right way. If someone acts inappropriately in a meeting or call, politely excuse yourself. And don’t be afraid to end the relationship if you need to. Clients like that can poison your whole business. – Mary Ellen Slayter, Reputation Capital

7. Be Assertive and Reassuring

Be honest about the work and intentions, all while being assertive to highlight that you won’t be pushed around. You have to be clear that you have expertise and experience in your work and reassure them that the end result will come out as planned. – Stanley Meytin, True Film Production

 

Credit: www.under30ceo.com

 

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Black Woman Expert Launches Program To Train Police Officers on Race and Racism

Dr. Anita Jack-Davies, an academic and cross-cultural expert with over 20 years of experience in training and instruction, has launched Badges2Bridges – an online program that trains police officers on race, racism, and anti-Black racism.

Dr. Jack-Davies, who is also an Adjunct Assistant Professor in the Department of Cultural Geography at Canada’s prestigious Queen’s University, has designed her program to be offered as a Zoom webinar (2 hours) or live interactive training with uniformed and command staff.

The invaluable training program is customized to meet the various needs of police departments all across the country. Currently, the program is training officers on the topic of race, racism, and anti-Black racism. Other topics are available including “Policing African American Communities”.

Here are some of the benefits:

* Staff will gain confidence when working Black and other racialized communities.

* Officers will be better prepared to de-escalate tense interactions based on cultural misunderstandings or miscues.

* Learners will gain increased confidence with community-based policing and during home visits, traffic stops, highway stops, and other face-to-face interactions.

For more details about the program, call 613-453-9534 or visit their official web site at Badges2Bridges.com

 

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#JusticeforSeyitan | Nigerian Women Raise N1.6M As Legal Fees To Support The Cause

Nigerians have once again shown their passion for humanity and affinity for change by donating N1.6M, within 24 hours to cover  legal fees of “Alleged”   Rape Victim; Seyitan Babatayo.

In the past few days, we have seen the turn of events between Music Star; Dban’j and his alleged Victim; Ms. Seyitan, We have also seen how oppression was used in a systemic way In a bid to shut down the young Woman.

While it is okay for an accused person to defend their name , it is not okay to abuse your power and try to alter the Justice system Intentionally to suit your purpose, this is exactly what the Dbanj camp has shown in the past few days, abuse of power, Intimidation and infringement of privacy (Taking over her Twitter account, while she was  at another safe location).

According to reports,Seyitan was arrested and denied access to friends, family, and legal representation in the early hours of yesterday, after the outcry on social media from several activists like; Josephine Chukwuma, Anthonia Ojenagbon, Kiki Mordi and a host of others, she was eventually released.

 

The Plot Twist

Within 24 hours, women on Twitter raised over a million Naira for Seyitan’s legal fees to ensure she gets proper representation.

While this was ongoing, Someone was also tweeting from Seyitan’s Twitter handle ;

The first tweet:

The second tweet:

…and there was a tweet promoting Dbanj’s New song…Foolish much eh or publicity stunt?

 

 

Seyitan just wanted an apology……

 

There’s a hashtag – #SilenceDbanj  also trending 

There is also an ongoing petition to have the United Nations remove D’banj as a Youth Ambassador for Peace. The 2,500 signatures needed for the petition are almost complete. (Culled from Bellanaija)

Some Celebrities like Donjazzy, Tiwa Savage, MI Abaga and a host of others have also taken a stand

Thought provoking view by Elnathan John

This is truly a sad event, but as an organisation we stand against Rape, as we have been doing for years through our sister Organisation; Walk Against Rape. We also spoke with a member of Seyi’s family and she assured us that Seyi is safe.

Esther Ijewere

 

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Temie Giwa-Tubosun Is The Winner Of Cartier Women’s $100,000 Grant for Sub-Saharan Africa

Temie Giwa-Tubosun of Life Bank has been announced as the 2020 Laureate for Sub-Saharan Africa and has won the sum of US$ 100,000 in grant at the 2020 edition of Cartier Women’s Initiative.

Because of Temie’s dedication to Lifebank, they have saved 8,000 lives. As a medical distribution company, Lifebank uses data and technology to discover and deliver essential medical products to hospitals in Nigeria.

Funkola Odeleye of DIYLaw and Temie Giwa-Tubosun were shortlisted as finalists.

The Cartier Women’s Initiative which was founded in 2006, has helped women over the years to reach their full potential by shining a light on their achievements, whilst providing them with the necessary financial, social and human capital support in growing their businesses and leadership skills. This initiative is open to women-run and women-owned businesses across the globe and sector with the aim of ensuring a strong and sustainable social and environmental impact as defined by the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals.

 

Source: Bellanaija

See the announcement here:

 

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“I Want To Be A Ray Of Hope For People Living With Disability”- Jennifer Ibrahim

Someone once said the only disability is a matter of perception, If you can do just one thing right, you’re needed by someone. This what beautiful Jennifer Ibrahim represents. A woman who has not allowed her physical outlook define or limit her greatness.

Jennifer Ibrahim  stopped schooling in Jss3 due to her health issue. She was diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anaemia which led to her inability to walk again. She is into poultry business which caters to the intricate needs of persons which special needs.

Jennifer is very humane, passionate about humanity, widows, orphans and physically challenged.Her interest in this special category of people stems from their inability to meet there basic needs, and because she knows how it feels to be in need and to be caged by the body , She is a ray of hope for them

Her vision is to open a Foundation (Jenny Home of Hope Foundation) to give hope to other physically challenged persons. Jennifer shares her inspiring Journey with me in this Interview

 

Childhood Preparation

No, my childhood did not in anyway prepare me for who i am and what i do now because at my childhood i never thought of been physically disabled or even been an inspiration to people. My childhood was full of life and fun,I was living very healthy and not knowing what a sickle cell person is. I had the the dream of becoming an actress right from childhood, the business minded person i am now started right from childhood. I could buy sweet and biscuits just to sell to my classmates, like i was very free from sickness, far away from hospitals. I could walk distant miles just to get food items because i love to cook and i was very engaged and busy not until age of 13.

Inspiration behind my Business
 Like it is I’m my first response, I like to do business and so i had to go into it. I had gone into other businesses before this poultry such as “Chin-Chin selling, Aya selling and selling of slippers shoes”. But in all of it, there had not been much gain and i wanted better income so as to be independent financially and to help myself and even people around me.
I sold my laptop at the rate of #15,000 and thought it wise to invest wisely other than spending it causally. Then the idea of the poultry business came in and for a start i had to buy 50 birds.
The Journey so far
 Hmmmm, it’s been tough, heartbreaking and discouraging but i expected all of it though it’s stressful cause you could imagine me in my condition trying to ensure that i meet customers demand especially the dressing of the chicken and delivery.
I started with 50birds but had a lost of 11 birds which was heartbreaking. The second set of chickens was 80 and all survived of course that was very encouraging and the present is 100 birds but still growing up for now,so you see it’s been challenging all the way but for the fact that been a business minded person is part of who i am,I have to keep pushing and considering the fact that the income is better than other business i have been into.
My passion for causes centred around physically challenged persons
 Well for now i have not done something big in that area but as the saying goes “Charity Begins At Home”. I am trying my possible best to make maximum impact in my community, like giving out food items to my few friends here that are physically challenged and sharing Bible passages as well. I am also not too mobile but i have been able to hold a program early this year tagged ” Divine Meals” which was designed for me to eat divinely with physically challenged and less privilege. I intend to do more with the grace of God on me.
My Foundation
The inspiration behind the foundation came October 2018 while i was reading a Christian Motivational book, and then my life began to change for better. I had the name “Jeni Home Of Hope Foundation” of which i believed it was not me but the Holy Spirit. I started picking interest in things that concern physically challenged and their welfare. In as much as i desire to do the needful ,i also need finance to help and is why i really need the business to help work this out
.
Government and provisions for persons with disability 
Considering the fact that i don’t really go out, but for the few persons have heard from and the news i go through,most help comes from Non-Governmental Organization and less from Government. The only Governmental help and assistance i have heard is through the ministry of Women Affairs and Social Development which help both disabled mothers and children. Aside the ministry, it’s difficult to have the Government help or assist the less privilege and vulnerable, but NGOs today are doing greatly in the aspect of assisting physically challenged. We’ve heard of NGOs giving out wheelchairs,taking responsibilities of a person’s medical treatment and even giving out food items to less privilege. Also want to use this medium to thank NGOs all over the world,I appreciate your good works.
My advice to the physically challenged trying to navigate in life 
To never give up even through trials and challenges, Giving up should never be an option. Strive hard because its not easy and as the saying goes “There is always a light at the end of the tunnel”
Build anything you have passion for so it would pay you at the end,in order to avoid been dependent.
Finally,always remember never expect ease from life cause life is a test and you don’t expect test to be easy.
Challenges I experience as an advocate for disabled persons
The primary and main challenge is discouragement from friends and even family.As an advocate one gets to be asked “Can you make it”? Do you have what other warriors that are well known and celebrated have? Do you have the finances?
There are always the discouraging voices i hear as am advocate for the disabled and trust me i always feel down in my spirit and discouraged. But getting to know the story about warriors who are now advocate,i got to understand that i don’t need much to be an advocate, I just need a made up mind.
Women Who Inspire Me to Be Better
Joni Eareckson Tada:
After reading Joni’s story,i woke up from my sleep and had to stand on my feet .I made up my mind to be somebody in life not minding when i will walk. Joni’s story turned my life from been carnal to been spirit filled and now i can say ” I am up to  do the best i am called to do”
Muniba Mazari:
Muniba as the iron lady of Pakistan is one person’s life story that keeps me going. After all medical reports that Muniba  can’t be the artist she wanted to be ,she picked up courage which made her the motivational speaker that she is today.
“Joni’s story woke me up and Muniba’s story has made me a moving train”.
Mummy Folusho:
Mummy is physically fit but I’m inspired by her works,she is one of my inspiration because i have come to realise what been an advocate means. Her advice is inspiring, her help and also concern towards the physically challenged is so much inspiring.
Being a Woman of Rubies
1) In my weakness i find strength
2) I hold myself with a high esteem
3) I am not just a warrior but a  conquerer as well
4) I am special and unique in my own way
5) And lastly God on my side, i am a victorious advocate
Support for Persons with Disability during the Pandemic
Even before the pandemic, Government have not been fair with people living with disability. But in view of the pandemic, the Government have tried so far in reaching the less privilege and i appreciate them for that. Now the question is what then happens after the pandemic? Are the palliatives just for the period of the pandemic or will the aid extend even after all this happening?
I will love the Government to extend  their aid even after the pandemic because a lot out there need their help in terms of medical issues.
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#RubyGirls | “My Upbringing Has Contributed A Whole Lot To Everything I Do Now”- Soyombo Precious

Soyombo Precious Iyanuoluwapo who is a secondary school student in her final class is a singer and writer. She is a young spoken word artist dedicated to spreading the love of God through words and poetry.

She is currently establishing online presence, writing poems, partnering with other poets and also working on a book.

Precious is currently the Teens President at Turning point center RCCG. She is a provincial executive for Lagos province 77. She is a host. An upcoming makeup artist. She also does some little hand crafts.

She shares her inspiring story with the Coordinator of Ruby Girls;  Aduragbemi Akintepede

1. Let’s meet you. Who is Precious?

I am the fifth of seven children. I am a girl. I’m a Christian. I am a poet, a singer, writer. I am an ambivert that is an extrovert and an introvert. I like being with people but I also like to be alone. I love to read. Reading is like my life force. I can read at any point in time anywhere. I am very positive, I love easily and I’m very joyful. I am a worker at Mine Teenage Ministry and also a member of Ladies with Radiance.

2. What are your hobbies?

My hobbies are reading, singing, writing, talking to people, learning new things and worshipping.

3. Where do you draw your inspirations from?

I draw inspiration from a lot of places. From God, people, random discussions, random thoughts. Just from anything.

4. You started early . At what age or class exactly did you discover your gifts? What motivated you to take them up?

I discovered my gifts over time, I’ve always known I could sing but I didn’t know I could write poems until 2016. I was 13 then. At first it was all just for the fun of it but it grew into passion and I know that my life is taking these paths.


5. Most memorable moment on stage?

My most memorable moment on stage was my first big ministration at Mine Teenage Ministry Worship Fiesta. I was supposed to do a poem with an older friend but he wasn’t able to get there on time so I had to do it alone facing rows of over 1000 people. I was scared but it worked out fine.

6. If you were given the chance to be the President of Nigeria for a day, what will change?

Well there is only so much I can do in a day. But I would at least try to start the process of cleaning up the media. At least what is available to the youths because there are a lot of unfavorable contents that are provided to them and it’s destroying their minds.

7. This is a period where the world in its entirety is yet to bounce back from the rage of a global pandemic. How has coronavirus (Covid-19) affected you as an individual and teen? Any message you will like to share concerning it?

As a teenager the Covid-19 pandemic has affected a huge part of my life. There are a lot of things that I should have done but I haven’t been able to do due to the pandemic. But on the flip side it has also given me a lot of time to grow mentally and spiritually. I’ve been able to learn a lot of new things, read a lot of new books and try a lot of new things.

As an individual, it has been time to reflect on things and become a better person.

8. Did your upbringing in anyway contribute to everything you do now?

My upbringing has contributed a whole lot to everything I do now. I know a lot of things due to the fact that I used to stay home a lot so I had time to read as much as I liked. I have parents that support me and even push me to be better. My siblings are my pillars of strength. The moment they discover that I can do something they push me to be better and do more. I’ve been brought up to always strive to be the best in all that I do and that is what brought about my drive for Excellence.

9. Any major challenge for young artists in Nigeria? Any tips on how you scaled through these challenges?

I think that the main challenge young artists have is being true to their source. They think that they have to do drugs or join groups. Personally I haven’t really gone through these challenges because the people I have in my circle are people who have the same ideals as I do. But I would say that they just have to be true to their source. Build a circle of people who think like you and be yourself. Don’t try to be like any other person. Be your own brand.


10. You are in your final class in secondary school. You are a spoken word artist, a writer, poet, host and also learn other skills. How do you juggle your academics with these other activities? What is your study routine as a student and as an artist who constantly needs to be better?

Well at first it was really hard to juggle everything because sometimes I have ministrations on school days or I had a poem to write or memorise. But with time I have learnt to give time to everything. I don’t mind reducing my sleep or my rest so that I can do all that I have to do. I do lots of my school work at night because I can concentrate more at that time. Many times I’m reading and preparing for a ministration at the same time. I have learnt to multitask and work under pressure. As a student, I create time to read which nothing disturbs then there is also time for being an artist. It’s like being two people. But I separate my life as a student from my life as an artist.

11. Mention 3 women who inspire you and why?

Firstly my mum ( Mrs Clementina Soyombo).
She has always been one of my sources of support. That woman pushes me to be the very best. She supports my decisions and trusts me. She provides to the best of her abilities everything that I need to grow. She defends me and prays for me.

• Mrs Titilope Adigun. She is a pharmacist, a mother and Wife to Timilehin Adigun. She is an hardworker and an encourager. She helps people to discover themselves and is a person of love

* Adenike Soyombo. She is an entrepreneur, she is a teacher, a friend and mentor. She is a Christian. She is the founder of Ladies With Radiance and a worker at Mine teenage ministry. She is also a source of inspiration to me because she pushes me to be better and criticizes constructively. She is also my older sister.

12. Where do you see yourself and your brand in the next 5 years?

In the next five years I’ll be done with University, I would have written over 200 poems and at least one book. I would be working and preparing to open a Fashion company too.


13. If you were given the opportunity to address a gathering of secondary school students like you, what will be your advice to them?

My advice to secondary school students like myself would be to work hard and find their passions. They shouldn’t have to be stereotypes but they can be everything that they want to be through hardwork and prayers. Life is not a bed of roses but it’s not a bed of nails either.

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