I wrote this book to let women know that they don’t know have to live in misery, the constant fear of not knowing when next he will lose his temper and beat them again, living in a state of unhappiness, sadness, and being emotionally drained just because they want a man. The truth is it takes two people to make a relationship work and if you’re will a partner whose not carrying his weight, it might be time for you to let go off dead weight and move on with your life so that you can attract real love and the man that God has for you.
I agree that no one is perfect but your partner’s flaws should be manageable like leaving his socks on the floor or not taking his plate to the sink after eating, it should not be anything like the follows: physical abuse e.g. getting angry and putting his hands on you, verbal abuse e.g. Calling you out of your name, like Bitch, goat, you’re stupid, you’re crazy, etc. or emotional abuse e.g. cheating on you with someone (another woman) (weather emotional cheating or physical cheating) or with something (watching dirty movies like pornography) These vices should be deal-breakers for you because you could lose your life from these forms of abuse.
Physical abuse is very dangerous as you can lose your life at any moment and with this form of abuse, the man would have tried you several times and if you failed to check him, he thinks it’s okay to push it to the next level. I will tell you what I mean before a man gets to the point of putting his hands on a woman, he would first of all start by raising his voice at her during an argument and if she doesn’t politely but firmly tells him, I don’t want you raising your voice at me during a disagreement and if you continue to do that, I would have to end the relationship, if he listens and changes, you continue the relationship, but if he doesn’t and even tries to put his hands on you for speaking up then you know that you have to love yourself enough to leave that relationship. In these relationship waters today, women have to develop a backbone to stand up for themselves or you will end up a casualty.
Emotional abuse is more of a slow but silent killer after you discover infidelity, it breaks you down and if you keep forgiving him and taking him back, you keep breaking yourself down and soon your organs will not be able to function as it should because of the toxicity of the relationship. I know a true story of a woman who kept taking her husband back after cheating on her and sleeping with multiple women and impregnating two of those women but she claimed that she stood on 1Cor 13 vs 4-6, Love is patient and kind and it covers a multitude of sin but I do not agree that this should be used in the context of an abusive relationship because a man who repeatedly cheats on you is not in love with you in the true sense of the word love. She was recently diagnosed with Cancer and immediately I felt in my heart that all those years of taking this man back have led to this. You have to be able to love yourself to leave a relationship that is toxic and abusive because if you lose your life, that man with move on to another woman and not eve act like you ever existed. Stop taking an abuser back, leave that relationship so that you can attract real love and the man that God has for you.
When going into a relationship, you have to know who you are and have your standards meaning what are your deal-breakers. The reason is a man can fake for a long time and you meat his representative and after one year or two years of marriage, when he is more relaxed, the mask comes off and you see the real him. Another reason why you must have your standards and be ready to leave once those standards are broken is that you do not know who raised him, the truth is some men just grew but were never raised, their mother never held them accountable for telling lies, coming home late, having two to three girlfriends simultaneously and so they grew up thinking they could get away with lying and cheating on women and playing with their hearts as if it’s their doormat.
If you’re in a toxic and abusive relationship, you need to evaluate that relationship right now so you don’t become the next casualty, you must tell yourself the truth; this is not God’s best for you. Somewhere in the bible, it says, “The blessings of God makes rich and adds no sorrow” if the relationship that you’re in brings you sorrow, sadness, uncertainty please understand that the relationship was not orchestrated by God and you have to find the courage and self-love to boldly walk away so that you can stop blocking your blessings so that you can attract real and authentic love and meet the person that God has for you.
There is a lot of information on the cyber space on rape and the legal impediments of rape; some right some wrong. This article aims to separate the facts from fiction and also to provide some guide for rape survivors if they intend to pursue a criminal case against alleged rapists.
In a nutshell, rape is non-consensual sexual intercourse. When a man has sex with a woman without her consent (in Nigeria – apart from in the FCT Abuja, only women are capable of being raped). When a woman has non-consensual sex with a man it is termed sexual assault. Sexual assault is similar to rape, but is not rape. ( Lawpadi 2018) ( this has been expanded to all states where VAAP has been signed)
1. Myth One: Age of consent in Nigeria is 11; This information is false; the Child’s Rights Act of 2003 sets the age of consent at 18; however the challenge here is some states domesticated the law and reduced age of consent in their states while 11 states are yet to domesticate the Childs Rights Act. (Domestication of a law means when a law is passed by the Nigerian National Assembly and signed by the President, states also have to pass the law and the state governors also sign hence making that law applicable in those states). Advocacy should be focused on getting the remaining 11 states on board.
2. Myth 2: Since 1960 there has been only 18 Rape Convictions in Nigeria; This information is also false. Though I am unable to get a current figure the number of convictions is no where around 18. Even though this figure is still low, the challenges of getting convictions have mostly been from under reporting by victims and family members who believe the court and legal system may not give them justice. In some cases families have received compensation from the alleged rapists and refused to pursue cases further, in other cases lack of diligent prosecution , also poor training of police officers who receive reports of rape cases have discouraged victims from pursuing cases further. It is in response to this that some states have established helplines for sexual and domestic assault and some NGOs have worked to help victims get justice.
Aishatu Ene
Myth 3: Rape Laws are Lax: While laws could be better in some areas eg; marital rape and redefining rape to mean sex without consent for both genders; the current laws are quite harsh on offenders. The VAAP law now has addressed some of these concerns.
There are 4 laws that deal with rape around Nigeria; The Criminal Code – this is applicable in all the Southern States
A. The Penal Code – this is applicable in all the Northern States
B. The Criminal Laws of Lagos – this is applicable only in Lagos State
C. The Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act – this has been domesticated by over 16 states currently
D. The Child Rights Act – this is only applicable in the States which have domesticated it ( Law Padi 2018).
These are the stipulated punishments for sexual crimes in Nigeria;
i. Assault with intent to commit unnatural offence (against the order of nature) is punishable with 14 years imprisonment
ii. Indecent assault on males is punishable by 3 years imprisonment
iii. Rape is punishable by life imprisonment, with or without caning.
iv. Attempt to commit rape is punishable with 14 years imprisonment
v. Indecent assault on females is punishable with 2 years imprisonment
vi. Abduction is punishable with 7 years imprisonment
vii. Abduction of girls under sixteen is punishable with two years imprisonment
Please note that ignorance of the age of the girls or as regards consent will not ground a defence. ( Wale Joseph November 2015; My Job Mag )
Step By Step Guide to reporting Rape Cases in Nigeria:In the sad event of a rape; Rape Survivors may find these steps helpful:
1. Do not take a bath
2. Call for help and guidance: emergency response numbers nationwide is 112; in Abuja include; 112, 08078111126), Lagos : 112, 08137960048 E-mail : info@dsvrtlagos.org.
Kaduna: 09064528082. Enugu; 08060084441
3. Make a report at the Police Station; A report of the incident is very important to get the case started, it is very important to remember and report every detail as this will help get the offender. If the victim is calm enough it may help to write out details before going to the station. If the police response is not satisfactory kindly report to 08057000001 police complaint line. The IGP has recently pushed for establishment of gender desks in all Police Stations, a victim or family members should request for the gender desk or officer at a station.
4. Get Medical help and a medical report; Family or friends can rush the victim to the hospital while making a police report. It is important to go to the hospital so the victim can receive immediate medical attention to prevent infections and pregnancy and for medical evidence of a rape which is needed for a strong prosecution case. Also some hospitals have social workers who will offer immediate counseling for victims. A government hospital is preferable for prosecution purposes even though the Court of Appeal has ruled that reports from Private Hospitals are now admissible.
5. Speak with a Lawyer: It is very important to speak with a good lawyer to guide you through the process of getting justice; some NGOs offer this service. A good lawyer will ensure that there is diligent prosecution and guide against public statements that may compromise the case.
6. Speak to a trained counselor; Some NGOs offer post trauma counseling services; it is very important for a survivor to get counseling as rape is a highly traumatic occurrence. While a victim may look and act fine they may suffer Post Trauma in different forms which only a trained counselor can spot and guide through.
7. Use of Social Media: In some rape and sexual assault case social media has been instrumental in getting justice especially when the police is lax in investigations, also funding is important in pursing rape cases, medical examination; in cases where the alleged rapist has fled to another town funds may be needed to facilitate an arrest unfortunately the police will say they are not adequately funded to carry out inter- state arrests ; Social media can help with such funds and also act as pressure to ensure diligent investigation and prosecution; however not all details should be put on social media as some details could alert the suspect, and compromise the case hence the need to have some guidance from a lawyer.
Supportive Roles for Rape Survivors
:1. Family: Family should offer support and not judgment; in cases of minors parents should not disregard reports, tale signs in their children. It is also important to consider the victims health in all decisions and stop the practice of receiving compensation to kill cases. Victims must receive immediate medical attention and family must ensure this is done
2. Police: The Police must be trained to understand rape as a serious issue and take the right and honest steps to investigate cases. Better funding for investigation of cases will remove the burden from the victim who may be discouraged by the expenses in pursuing a case. Gender desks at some police stations is commendable; regular training and refresher courses on new laws is required. Also gender desks should be set up in all police stations so victims can recieve adequate assistance from the police to encourage follow up with prosecution.
3. State Prosecution: Work with the police to ensure diligent prosecution of rape cases. Open communication lines with victims and families. Ensuring that the burden of funding doesn’t lie with the victim and their families.
4. NGOs: Help provide/ source funding for prosecution, work with police and prosecution to ensure victim is well represented, act as a pressure group , provide support and counseling for victims, advocate for domestication of progressive laws on sexual violence, child’s rights act, VAAP law and the sexual offences bill. Also advocate to state Governments to set up response hotlines to domestic and sexual abuse.
5. Social Media: BE RESPONSIBLE IN REPORTING RAPE CASES; Responsible reportage by bloggers and social media users is important to ensure prosecution and for the victims recovery. Using the victims pictures, sharing pictures or videos of the rape if available are not helpful; sharing videos and pictures of a rape of a minor can be regarded as distribution of child porn which is a crime. Sharing pictures of a minor without blurring the face who has been abused is also unethical. While we are all passionate about ending rape and punishing offenders, it is responsible to remember as hard as it may be that the alleged rapist under the law until proven guilty still has a presumption of innocence.
6. Sexual Offenders register: States that have domesticated the VAAP law also operate a sexual offenders register where convicted rapist and sexual offenders are published. NAPTIP as a national body also operates a national sex offenders register.
Most importantly; DO NOT SHAME THE VICTIM, RAPE IS A CRIME, THE VICTIM SHARES NO BLAME IN RAPE.
Goodnews: Akwa Ibom has signed the VAAP law so they are no longer on this map
On June 22nd Nigerians woke up to the news of the gruesome murder of Girl Child advocate and social entrepreneur Olamide Alli, who was killed by the father of her kids.
Olamide up until her death was very passionate about issues affecting the girl child, and used her Pearl Academy Platform to create awareness and advocate for them. A shining star who wanted to change the world.
The initial news that was sold to the media as motive behind her murder was Infidelity, and questions surrounding the paternity of her second child. It was later discovered that the news was an attempt to throw in the victim card for the deceased husband who also killed himself after murdering his wife-to-be.
A Facebook user who claimed to be an Insider shared her side of the story below;
To set the records straight, the Late Olamide didn’t have a child outside her relationship, the so called Femi who his real name is Chris Ndukwe, a serial killer that kills his lovers escaped from Phc where he tried to kill his ex who he threw down a two storey building some years back but fortunately the babe survived and has been relocated to Canada by her family. He happened to lie to Olamide she met him and fell in love in her second year, had a child for him then when she finished school a second one came.
Her parents are like you guys are in love why not tie the knot and wedding was fixed for next month. Olamide lives with her parents. The so called Femi asked her to come and visit with the kids. Olamide went with her nanny not her sister like the blogs reported. On Sunday he sent his security man around 10 to get him tape which the guy did. In the evening he asked Olamide to come join him in the room, he was almost drowning a bottle of Hennessy XO, he put on music very loud and tied her to the chair and taped her mouth, used a plier to remove her braids one after the other, then he plucked her eyes, stabbed her 11 times before she died, he then drank two bottles of sniper and killed himself.
The knife he used, found at the crime scene
The nanny came knocking on the door and no response she went to call on their neighbor who called the estate security they came in and called no response they called the Mobile police in the estate to come they broke the door and saw the horrible sight.
Now this so called Femi moved into that house 3weeks ago as he was planning to settle down with her. To set the records straight a paternity test is being carried out by her parents. Because the said kids all look like their dad but her parents want to set the records straight. Femi’s family have been alerted and they are on their way from Enugu today. I wonder why blogs won’t verify news before they publish. This gist is first hand from Olamide’s family.
Social Entrepreneur Ife Durosinmi Etti ,who was also close to Olamide while she was alive, have set up a Trust fund that will be monitored by First Bank Trust Fund, to raise funds for the 2 kids the couple left behind.
Rubies Ink Initiative for Women and Children, and it’s projects @womenofrubies and @walkagainstrape will also be donating to the trust fund, and we hope you do same too.
Here is the donation link; https://dashboard.flutterwave.com/donate/se8ahuslz2yn
One of the many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is due to lack of information on where they can go, where to report, and how to leave without “Poking the bear”. The pandemic has in no little way birth an epidemic of incessant cases of Rape and Domestic Violence. A situation that is fast becoming the order of the day, with different hashtag trends to help bring it to the fore.
Osasu Edobor is one of the women on the frontlines advocating for victims of Domestic Violence, and using her voice and resources where it matters.
Osasu is a social development expert with over twelve years’ experience as a gender advocate infusing new media and technology to propagate gender inclusion. She is the Curator of HERFESSIONS mobile app, an anonymous online platform for survivors of sexual violence to access resources, group support, information and ultimately a community to work-out the journey to recovery.
She holds a Master’s degree in Managerial Psychology from the University of Lagos, a 2016 African American Institute Scholar with a certificate in Social Sector Management from the Enterprise Development Centre of the Pan Atlantic University, Lagos, and also a 2018 Mandela Washington Fellow with a certificate in Civic Leadership from Rutgers University, the state of New Jersey, USA.
She previously worked as the Programme Director of the Bimbo Odukoya Foundation where she facilitated the provision of GBV intervention schemes such as a temporary safe house for survivors of Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse, and gender responsive programming for young people. Prior to full switch into the development space, she worked in Media and Advertising producing family content and branding, whilst volunteering with numerous non-profit organization.She is versatile, exploring the boundaries of social development via her organization. She shares her Inspiring journey and recent feat with Esther Ijewere in this exclusive Interview.
Childhood Preparation
I grew up in a family of 5 girls and an only brother, my father despite wanting a boy or two didn’t spare us. We did everything a man would do around the house, it did not help that he was an Engineer, so we lived by the rule Maintenance culture. This however was a huge contrast to what we saw in extended family. It toughened me, to see family members, being victimized. The high point of growing up was watching my mother turn her biology lectures to sexual reproductive health conversations and continually counselling girls my age and building self esteem in as many as sought her help in our neighbourhood.
HERfessions support group
Inspiration behind HERfessions
I had run a shelter for domestic violence and sexual violence survivors and for the women it was a great concern that we couldn’t maintain therapy for them, as it became next to impossible to get them to come back physically. We thought that by providing an online platform of engagement, It minimized the physical movement, helped to build a community for much needed support
The Journey so far
It has been rewarding, fulfilling and hectic all wrapped in one. Whilst one delights in the increased awareness, and heightened knowledge of self worth in Women, the lags of poor enforcement of law makes seeking Justice the path of a rabble rouser, which is a cape I wear proudly.
Working in different sectors across board, and pitching my tent in the GBV sector
Indeed, with my career start in Media, I saw that the Women were portrayed continually as objects of enjoyment instead of human beings capable of great things. Pivotal to my switch was a volunteer training I involved myself with in the Makoko axis of Lagos, despite it been an empowerment initiative, I found I engaged with quiet a number of battered women, who were helpless and lacking in knowledge of how to pursue Justice.
That spurred me to build a career in Non profit management with a huge focus on Gender based Violence, despite having held jobs that spoke to Civic Education, Sexual Reproductive Rights, Education, Health to name a few.
Being a fellow of different development organisations
As an avid knowledge seeker, two fellowships stand out for me. At the Enterprise Development Center, Of the Lagos Business School, were I partook of The Social Sector Management, and most recently as 2018 Mandela Washington Fellowship, a exchange program facilitated by the US Government for young exceptional African leaders. These fellowships opened a network of people, resources and allies, whilst also ensuring I garnered skill that were best practice.
HERfessions helping to nab an abusive man
Indeed it was a great achievement for us as an organisation. The perpetrator in a brazen act had beat up his spouse and posted on a social media bragging about the ability of the police to effect an arrest against him. been the tool that social media is it received a lot of attention, as well as the speedy intervention of the state. He was charged to court and the legal process of ensure the safety of the survivors is still underway.
Nigerians knowledge of the GBV Sector
We have a long way to go in first domesticating the laws that will protect women and girls across the country, and a longer road to change the narrative and culture of impunity towards women. Whilst some states have done extensive work, there is need to ensure the advocacy done is implemented through laws institutionalization and enforcement. As a Country, we need to begin to engage all facets of endeavor to change the narrative attached with to rape, domestic violence or sexual violence in general. Sexual Violence is perpetuated in any environment where there is power. We must ensure we have systems that can check power, be it at the office, church, mosque, market, home, school, or community. We must engage the media (with special reference to Africa Magic) to tell better stories, tell corrective stories that can shape a culture of zero tolerance to Gender Based Violence.
Why I created the HERfessions App
The HERfessions mobile app is a great resource for women and girls available on playstore. It is an anonymous platform to receive support and find help to deal with all forms of sexual violence, available on playstore now.
– Also in commemoration of the June 19th (elimination of sexual violence in conflict) and the recent epidemic of several rape killings on your girls, we have through out Cast project launch a series to address men with the hashtag #menchangingthenarrative series.
Challenges as an Advocate
People’s general assumptions of you been a rabble-rouser , particularly as a young woman, one continual contends with people who do not value the work been done. the greatest really is the ingrained culture in women who do not believe when issues escalate, the governments help can be sort via the Police. Asides this, the grave challenges of systemic failure in pursuing justice, is a sad tale every advocate can attest to. Finally, justice comes at a great cost. We need structures that make leave abusive situations easy. structures like Shelters, Half-way homes, Cost of therapy, and legal fees, Whilst Advocates continually gives this services at no cost to the Survivors, there are huge cost, that most offset, for justice( and healing) to be served. It is my earnest appeal that individuals begin to make it a part of their life style to support a charity with Donations or volunteer their time or skill for social good. I must reiterate it is rewarding work.
Being a mental health advocate, counselor, Convener of an inspiring platform and managing it all
Contrary to what people say, you can’t have it all. I didn’t start on this journey today, it’s been over a decade of building my work, harnessing low hanging fruits, and just doing work that I love. I can be described as a multi-potentialite, which comes with it nuances of creativity outburst and continual personal critiquing. I live by two personal philosophies – To thyself be true and live one day at a time. I am not under any pressure to impress or shine, I do what i set out to do and I pace myself always.
What I have found works is – do you genuinely, peace always follows. I am not in competition with anyone.
Other projects and activities
The Intersection of my work is Gender based violence, with a great link to mental health because there is a great need for . We however use the medium of technology and new media to deliver our messages. With the HERfessions App, it was us anticipating difficulty in movement of survivors due to varying reasons (which was foresight considering the COVID-19 pandemic). Our services also include engaging survivors physically through the TEHILA series, a replica of the conversations on the mobile app.Via new media, we use our social media platforms to push narratives that empower the woman via our storytelling mediums. It is our belief that to change the culture of silence, we must subliminal affect the minds of our community via its music, movies, and entertainment. This gave rise to our CAST project- a commissioned theatrical performance we use to teach and educate in public domain such as markets, Malls, and gatherings.
Being a Woman of Rubies
Primarily I am passionate and dogged in my belief that women can be better and treated better. Women must believe in themselves enough to thrive and collaborate
Vital nuggets for the Girl child during the Pandemic
The conversations have always been screwed to what girls should do, whilst that is both responsible and one-sided, I would add that girls need to invest in protective skills and gadgets. Learn how to defend yourself, own a pepper spray. In addition I would like to address the men folk and say ; NO is a full sentence. Self-control is achievable.
To women afraid to walk away from abusive relationships
Walk away, you will find help. I found that for advocacy to work, we must continually repeat one message. You are worth of love, Let yourself Live, so Leave.
Two days ago Girl child advocate Olamide Alli was gruesomely murdered by the father of her kids, he plucked out her eyes, took out her braids with pliers and stabbed her 11 times, then killed himself afterwards.
The relationship which was started when she was 17 years old was described as toxic and controlling by many who knew the couple when they were alive.
Many women have been programmed to endure abusive relationships, an age long tradition of keeping face and suffering and smiling that make many women redundant or send them to their early grave.
However, Domestic Violence is a two way traffic, as men also suffer violence in relationships, but ego and societal perception of being seen as weak make them endure.
Three years ago there was a popular case of a lawyer who stabbed her husband thrice in the back and several times on his private part. Some tagged it a crime of passion while some women came to her defense , but I won’t support such irresponsible act, just because the culprit has the “W” tag. No justification for violence of any kind!!!!
Man or Woman no one deserves to die in such a way.
We nee to continue advocating for the rule of “Walking Away”, and stop telling people to manage abusive relationships, you are saving them from being killed or stopping them from killing out of psychological torture.
Abusive relationships are unfortunately very common. They come in forms of physical abuse and emotional abuse, in which both are equally as devastating.
Most are just pushed under the rug, in hopes their partners will change, out of fear of their partner, thinking it is just a momentary reaction or thinking it is completely normal. Abusive relationships are definitely unhealthy, and should not be continued. An abusive partner normally will never change, no matter how much they claim they are going to.
Here are signs you are in an abusive relationship and why you need to walk away ;
Being treated as a property or sexual object
2.Others see the abuser as a very nice person and the abuser acts very pleasant and loving between acts of violence
Denying the seriousness of the violence and /or blaming it on circumstances like stress, anger, partners behaviour, drugs, alcohol or other reasons
5. Controlling and/or treating you like a child such as interrogating intensely, tracking location, having to ask permission to go places or try new things, keeping all the money, and asking for receipts and proof of what you’ve been up to
6. Unrealistic expectations of perfect behavior and treatment
7. Isolation from family, friends, cars, phones, jobs, and/or the public
8. Name calling, degrading, and/or humiliating
Manipulating your emotions and making you feel like you’re the problem
10. Easily insulted, angered, or saddened
11. Feeling fear, nervous, unsafe, trapped, or hopeless
12. Forceful sex
13. Blaming others for mistakes
Arguing constantly and quickly.
Feel free to add other signs you know, remember nothing is worth losing your life/or going to jail for.
Walking away cost you nothing , just tell your legs to receive common sense before your hands get you in trouble.
“Esther is an activist, Writer, Columnist, Author and editor-in-chief & founder -Women of Rubies. She is passionate about issues that affect women and children.
Dr. Timi Oyebode is the Founder/ Head Counselor at Attitude Development International, an Organization focused on promoting Professional Counseling & Counseling Education in Africa. She is the provost ADI Counselling School Lagos. Timi is a Seasoned, Passionate and Certified Professional COUNSELOR with over sixteen (16) years’ experience working with individuals, couples, and families.
Her focus is on Emotional Wellness, Self-Discovery, Trauma, Abuse, Addiction and Sex Recovery Therapy which had made her connect with various persons at different levels of need. She runs a Yearly Retreat for Couples, Emotional Empowerment Sessions for women, Mentorship Forums, Counseling Outreaches to Prisons, IDP/Refugee, rehab Camps and a vibrant Counseling Clinic.
Dr Timi Oyebode has a Ph.D., M.A. and PGDE in Counselling. She holds a Master Practitioner Certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and Trauma Recovery Therapy
She is a chartered Mediator & Conciliator with Institute of Charter Mediators &Conciliators (ICMN), member of International Association of Counselling(IAC), Member Counselling Association of Nigeria (CASSON), Member Association of Christian Counselors in Nigeria and President, African Network of
Professional Counselors. She is passionate about mental health, people having access to Professional Therapy work and also helping Counselors and Psychotherapists particularly in Africa to get a good grip on their practice.
She is a speaker at International and national conferences, trainings, meetings, TV & radio on Trauma and recovery. She shares her Inspiring journey in this interview.
Childhood Preparation
Yes there are so many things in my childhood that prepared me for what I do now including being a victim of trauma and child sexual abuse. Today as a survivor, I just want to see others live life free and fulfilled. I am the eldest of 3 and only girl of my parents, grew up in Ibadan Oyo State and had all the security of an ideal family until tragedy struck first with sexual abuse and then the death of my father when I was 9 years old. Actually the earliest memory of my sexual abuse was at age 7 with one of my uncles, this continued even after my dad’s death to include rape, abuse and sexual violation from other relatives and spiritual leaders as well.
I was traumatized, depressed and suicidal… although my immediate family members weren’t aware of many of my struggles as a young girl with low self esteem, battered mindset and oppressive nightmares. At some point, I started struggling with sexual choices like porn, masturbation, homosexuality etc. I knew I needed help but was lost on where and how to get it.
In October 2000, I had an encounter and my journey to healing, restoration & recovery began. In 2003, I was in for my first trial at therapy and I knew I needed to make this happen for some other hurting souls. Emotional wellness and healing is our rights. So after my first degree in English language, I went for a 2nd degree and PhD in Counselling.
Inspiration behind ADI Nigeria
After working with Real Woman Foundation (Pst.Nike Adeyemi) for over 7 years as Head Counselor, I knew that there is a huge gap to the availability of professional mental/ emotional helpers and counselors, in Nigeria. Hence, the burden was laid on my heart to fill that void.
ADI was birth to aid the availability and promotions of therapeutic help, professional counseling and counseling education in Nigeria and Africa at large.
To enable those who desire to acquire training in the help professing but have little or no access to the western world where this is readily available.
The hope of bringing therapeutic help (as a means to deal with emotional and mental problems) closer to Africans was the paramount inspiration.
Being an Emotional wellness, trauma and self- discovery expert, with 16 years experience
Though it had been quite a huge task to make our people accept and appreciate professional counseling, I can still say boldly, the journey had been engaging and fulfilling. The ability to stand in the gap for many, bring healing, hope and restoration to victims (families, couples, individuals) of trauma, abuse and addiction had indeed been worthwhile.
Also having to see and hear the testimonies of many trained and professional counselors from ADI who are being able to confidently meet the emotional and mental needs of people in their communities while fulfilling their own dreams and desire is incomparable. Counting the number of clients including victims of Depression, Trauma, Divorce, Suicidal Tendency, Anger, Addiction, Anxiety etc, who daily comes into our counseling centre and leaves with smiles on their faces, makes the journey indeed worthwhile.
Being a member of several organisations, the roles I play and how has it impacted me positively
I am a registered member of various counseling bodies both home and abroad; including Counseling Association of Nigeria (CASSON), Association of Christian Counselors in Nigeria(ACCNIG), Christian Counselling Educational Foundation(CCEF), International Association of Counselling (IAC), Institute of Chartered Mediators & Conciliators(ICMC) and African Network of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO). I am involved in all the associations, volunteering and actively serving in varying capacities.
I am the present President of Africa Network of Professional Counsellors, an organization focus on empowering counselors and psychotherapists across Africa, or working with Africans. Our primary goal is to be a rallying point and voice of reasoning/ professionalism for Psychotherapists & Counsellors across Africa
Why oppressed and damaged people sometimes do same to others
There are so many damaged, wounded or traumatized people in our world. Trauma means ‘wound’ – an inner/emotional wounds that plaques an individual, often due to an earlier or childhood abuse, oppression or damages and while there are various symptoms exhibited by victims of trauma, Dr. Cranes gave us about 9 responses or reactions associated with victims, amongst which is Trauma pleasuring.
Trauma pleasuring- a response which shows a victim of trauma taking pleasure in the pain caused to them and even seeing the pain in others gives them pleasure or momentary ease from their own pain. Hence it seems as if the initial victim is enjoying the pain or enjoys seeing others go through the same pain he/she went through. This is also known as sadistic personality disorder (SPD) in which, an individual display cruel behavior and enjoys inflicting pain on other. In other words, the suffering of others gives pleasure and observing that suffering feels good.
It is a form of mental illness often traceable to childhood trauma and those who exhibit this character are better perceived as ‘unwell’ rather than ‘wicked’ and should be encouraged to seek trauma therapy to aid their recovery.
Wellness nuggets for women who don’t know when to take a break and detox.
Keeping our emotional well-being balanced is no easy task… especially for women. Pressures and life demands can sometimes make it all hard to figure out. However, being able to manage your emotions and have healthy relationships with others is vital to your emotional wellness.
To every woman out there, struggling to keep it all together. Here are my advice
Know yourself. Know your thoughts and be able to identify your emotions and feelings. Take time to identify your triggers and know when to take a break. Get to know your emotional-self better, a visit to a counselor or use of self-help personality/temperament assessment online and even journaling of daily thoughts can help you.
Be positive. While we all get in a bad mood once in a while and there is nothing abnormal about that, constantly maintaining a negative attitude will only eat away at your internal happiness. If you keep this mind-frame long enough, nothing will ever seem like a good situation when you only focus on the bad. Noticing how often you think or say negative things is the first step towards having a positive attitude. Then, work on limiting the amount of negative thoughts and speech you use every day. If you need help with this, try keeping a journal or asking a friend or family member to point out when you are being a “Negative Nacy”.
Ask for Help. If you are suffering from emotional distress, it’s okay to ask for help. There are no prizes handed out for who can bury their emotions the most. It doesn’t make you stoic or strong to keep the emotional turmoil all to yourself. Talking to someone you trust can be enough to ease the negative emotions brought on by a bad day. If more help is needed, seeking the advice of a mental health professional doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to to take care of your mental health. And if you aren’t sure of where to find them, contact us at ADI Counselling.
Keeping Boundaries. Establishing boundaries with people in your life will contribute to your mental well-being. While it’s best to be nice to others in your life, there will be times when they cross the line and it’s up to you to tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you. For example, it doesn’t make you a bad person to tell your neighbors that they should give you a call or a text instead of coming over unannounced. Advocating for yourself and your emotional needs will keep you from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s expectations and behaviors.
Self-Acceptance. Sometimes the expectations you set for yourself are more than the expectations others have for you. It’s okay to give yourself a break and let the self-judgment and self-doubt go. You won’t ever feel at ease in the world or with yourself if you are constantly talking negatively about yourself. If you wouldn’t let a stranger call you “stupid”, “ugly”or “not good enough” then you shouldn’t let yourself say those things. Just like with negative thoughts in general, becoming aware and then learning how to manage negative self talk is key to learning how to accept yourself.
Challenges
The major challenge we had over the years is getting Government approval and local accreditation… as the various government ministries claim their scope doesn’t cover what we do. After 5 years of requesting we finally got Lagos State to give an approval. It had also been challenging to make people view counseling as a career and that these professionals need to be paid for their services. People struggles to accept the need to pay for therapy. They feel it should be free.
Another challenge is access to resources and materials to aid and support our African professional counsellors.
Other projects and activities
I am a regular invited speaker at conferences& religious meetings.
I am an author
I run a quarterly mentoring forum
I run a periodic emotional empowerment meeting for women
I run a yearly retreat for couples
I run counseling and emotional wellness outreaches to schools, communities, prisons, IDP & Refugee camps.
Being a Woman of Rubies and more
I am a survivor, a pillar of strength, a conqueror and a woman on assignment… my life goal is simply to bring others out of the dungeon of pain and trauma to living life free, full and fulfilled.
For those who just walked out of abusive relationships
You are a survivor, the person who misused you never knew your worth as one of the best humans life could offer. So it’s not your loss but his/her. Engage is some good self-love routine, find purpose and commit yourself to it. Go into therapy and begin your journey into recovery.
The journey to healing may take a while and often better not walked alone, so be patient with yourself, get support and life would smile on you soonest.
For those who need certification
If you desire a certification in professional counseling or wants to know how to run a therapy business or just want to acquire more skills in Counselling. If you need to see a professional counselor or needs help to deal with marital problems, teenage problems, emotional problems, trauma, addiction etc
Do not hesitate to contact us at ADI Counselling Centre, 25 Ladipo Kasumu street off Tinuade street opposite FirstBank Allen Ikeja, Lagos.
You can follow her on FB, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter as: @TimiOyebode
Anxiety and depression are two words that I desperately wish were not in my personal vocabulary and experience. But, they are. God allowed me to walk through several years in the valley of the shadow of death and now that I’m on the other side of it, I believe He had my good in mind. I believe He taught me things in the valley that I could never have learned on the mountaintop. I believe that He wanted to prove to me that I truly am never alone, though I felt it many times. I believe He wanted to teach me that my feelings do not equate truth. God wanted to show me parts of Himself that I might never have known otherwise.
My season of depression is over for now; however, the anxiety can creep in, often unannounced, and leave me reeling. Sometimes the fear is so thick that I just know if I reach out my hands I can touch it. Sometimes the fear and anxiety keep me awake at night.
I know I’m not the only one that struggles. God has taught me much on this journey and I hope that these verses and these words will remind you that you also aren’t alone, you aren’t forsaken, and the God of the universe loves you. He longs for you to trust Him even through seasons where we don’t understand what is happening around us or in us.
For me, praying God’s Word in particular has been one thing that has helped me my heart so much. Sometimes in the depth of despair we don’t feel like we have the words to pray. So, instead, God gives us His own word and we pray it back to Him. We want to be close to God but don’t know how. His Word provides that closeness and nearness of Himself. He gives us Himself through the gift of His Word. His Word can be your lifeline, friend, don’t take it for granted!
Here are some of my favorite verses to pray when I’m struggling. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Psalm 23 – This passage is so well known to most people, but don’t overlook the profound truth and comfort this Psalm brings to us just because you’ve heard it many times before. Speak the words to God:
“God, You are my shepherd, I lack nothing. You make me lie down in green pastures, You lead me beside still waters, You restore my soul. You lead me in paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me! Your rod and your staff, they comfort me! You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in Your house forever. Amen.” Psalm 23:1-6
Psalm 27 – This Psalm is one of my life verses. I’ve struggled a lot with people pleasing which I think leads to anxiety so often. Wondering and worrying and becoming fearful of what others think or what they might do or say about us. We can’t live in that place! We must preach the gospel to ourselves and remind our hearts the The LORD alone is our light and our salvation!
“God, You are my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? You are the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked come against me to eat up my flesh, my enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell. Though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear!”Psalm 27:1-3
Psalm 34 – I like to think of this Psalm as the Psalm for the brokenhearted and fearful one. God love the brokenhearted, you know. And we are all broken, by the way.
“I will bless You at all times, Your praise will continually be in my mouth. I sought You, Lord, and You heard me, You delivered me from all my fears. When we look to You we are radiant. Your angels encamp all around those who fear You and You deliver us. Help me to taste and see that You are good, oh Lord. You say I will be blessed when I trust You. Those who seek You lack no good thing.”Psalm 34:1-10
Psalm 61 – Isn’t it encouraging to read the words of David, a Bible hero, who struggled like we do? That may be one of the reasons the Psalms are my favorite place to camp in God’s Word when I’m struggling. I especially like Psalm 61 in the New King James because of the word “overwhelmed.” I have spent seasons living in an overwhelmed state. When I find myself there, I pray these words:
“Hear my cry, O God; from the ends of the earth I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you are a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy…” Psalm 61:1-3
Psalm 91 – Psalm 91 is another Psalm with such comfort that helps us learn how much it truly impacts us when we abide in Christ. Psalm 91 tells us that when we abide or dwell in the shelter of the Most High, we can REST in His shadow. He gives us rest from our worry, from our fears, from our anxiety.
“You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”Psalm 91:2
When the anxiety sets in, repeat some of these verses out loud. Speak them to God. Memorize His Word. Cling to these truths. Repeat to the Lord, “I trust You, I trust You…” and when we abide in Christ, the peace that passes all understanding begins to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4:4-6
Did you catch the beautiful truth in that passage? Prayer brings peace. When we are anxious about anything we are instructed to take it to God – with thanksgiving even! And then? Then, the peace of God, which we may never understand, will GUARD our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Prayer brings peace. Prayer gives us more of Jesus. And that is just what we need in our moments and seasons of anxiety: more of Jesus.
Note – If you or a loved one struggles with anxiety, depression or any mental illness, please reach out for help! Tell someone, a friend, a spouse, or your doctor. There is help, hope and healing available for you! Do not suffer alone.
Candace Crabtree is just a broken mama thankful for grace and new mercies every morning. She and her husband live in East Tennessee where they homeschool their 3 kids. Candace also enjoys teaching piano, coffee, good books and blogging at His Mercy Is New. On her blog she shares encouragement for weary women from God’s Word along with resources for learning to pray the Scriptures.
We work far from home, away from our families, under a lot of pressure. People easily get vulnerable and have so much pent up energy inside of them. In places like this, stories of sexual misconduct are not uncommon, so finding ways to protect oneself is always necessary. At the time these incidents took place, there was a certain fear that came over me and I wondered if there might be another incident as I saw these men every day. Unconsciously, I paid more attention to what I wore around the house. Society has a way of inculcating the idea in women that they are responsible for incidents of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents seemed trivial and I didn’t have much reason to speak about them.
Before asking, he warned me by saying I have something to ask and I hope it won’t offend you. I told him to go ahead. Then he asked me if he could take me in his arms (direct translation). I immediately said no and moved on to talking about something else. We were watching a programme on TV and the question came out of nowhere. This conversation all happened in French and the French language can seem unnecessarily intimate sometimes. We lived together, he was one of my flatmates. I reckoned he just wanted a hug but the way he asked, it came off as a bit creepy to me. Sometimes, you click with people and feel comfortable enough to hug each other, it never crossed my mind to hug this colleague.
One day, like every other time, I took a walk with another colleague, which was a normal thing. This one was my buddy, we got along very well. He was one of the ones I was comfortable with and would hug every now and then in greeting. He was quite excited on this day and was chatting away. When we got to the spot we wanted to reach, the view was beautiful. I stood admiring it then I felt someone hugging me from behind. It could only have been him as the other people around were not close enough. I was slightly confused as I stood there. Someone hugging me from behind suggests a few things to me. Unsure of what may have followed, I broke the contact by suggesting that we take a selfie. It worked. Afterward, he posed for me to take photos of him, and at that moment, I said a silent prayer to God, “please let there be nothing more, let it be that his excitement got him carried away”. As we walked back, we talked as usual but before we could go far, he apologised. He said he was sorry if his action made me uncomfortable. I was relieved and said it was okay especially as I didn’t want to walk back in awkward silence. Then I chided myself for not saying ‘if it happens again, that’s when we would have a problem’. But I think he was smart enough to know that.
I like to give people the benefit of doubt until they prove me wrong. In scenario A, I think the guy simply wanted a hug. Who knows, he may have been missing home, but I was not going to give him any ideas or take the place of his wife. In scenario B, I worked very closely with this person for over a year before this happened. If he were hitting on me, it would ruin everything at work. In the light of #metoo, were I to voice out any of these, it could have people’s fathers and husbands out of work. Which I would hate to be responsible for.
You might wonder why a hug is such a big deal. We work far from home, away from our families, under a lot of pressure. People easily get vulnerable and have so much pent up energy inside of them. In places like this, stories of sexual misconduct are not uncommon, so finding ways to protect oneself is always necessary. At the time these incidents took place, there was a certain fear that came over me and I wondered if there might be another incident as I saw these men every day. Unconsciously, I paid more attention to what I wore around the house. Society has a way of inculcating the idea in women that they are responsible for incidents of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents seemed trivial and I didn’t have much reason to speak about them.
I am lucky not to have any rape stories but I equally live in some sort of fear. I am a front-line worker, I work in the humanitarian world. This means we work in places where there is conflict/war. We work in rural areas and in the most insecure places to assist vulnerable people. We have to interact with people from armed groups and there are always some who have little or no respect for order.
The last time I was given a post-rape kit, I was told how to use the contents in case of rape while I’m out on the field. I was also given condoms as part of the kit. My colleague made light of it when he explained that were I to be faced with rape, I could try to talk the potential rapist into using the condom by saying I have HIV. I could see that that was his way of trying to make us at ease while he was struggling to have such a difficult conversation. I laughed at some point to help him but then the female colleague I was with shared a glance of understanding. The world has come to that point, so I always have my condoms in my bag since I’m on the field often! I try not to think of possible rape scenarios while I’m on the field, but it is one of the many risks that come with my job.
Sexual assault, abuse, violence has been on the rise in our dear country, or maybe we are just becoming conscious of how bad the situation is. It is infuriating to know that the perpetrators commit these acts and walk free. I think of how these women might have felt in the moments of their abuse and all I can think of is fear. Fear paralyzes the victim, it makes the victim shut up, it encourages self-blame and so many other things. For those who are unable to speak out, the burden is very heavy! It takes a lot of courage to speak up and we need to create an enabling environment for victims to feel safe, to come forward, and then necessary actions should be taken. Shaming rape victims, when they speak out, should not be condoned at all.
Society needs to stop covering people up because it only enables rapists. A wife trying to save her marriage, a sibling trying to protect a sibling, making excuses for the rapist… all these need to stop! This cover-up only sets the breeding ground for more rapists. We cannot get tired of speaking about this issue. We have a collective responsibility to call out and punish rapists, and to protect vulnerable people/victims when they eventually speak out.
About Ene Abah
Ene Abah is an adventure lover, naturalista, food lover, travel lover, writer and is particular about sending positive vibes to others. Some of her interests are in writing, travelling, reading and generally enjoying life. Ene’s writing has been published in Top Chic magazine, Imbue magazine and on Imbue’s website. She blogs at http://belletammy.blogspot.com.ng/ Follow her on Twitter @tammyabah and on instagram @belle.tammy
What is your best tip for dealing with overbearing customers/clients?The following answers are provided by Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC), invite-only organization comprised of the world’s most promising young entrepreneurs. In partnership with Citi, YEC recently launched StartupCollective, a free virtual mentorship program that helps millions of entrepreneurs start and grow businesses.
1. Use Your “Spa Voice”
I have this thing I’ve always used — whether it’s for angry friends, bosses or teachers — called my “Spa Voice.” I soften my speaking, acknowledge what they’re saying and don’t raise my voice in a way that could be at all misconstrued. Doing this not only calms them down, but allows you to have the upper hand against their complaints as you’re giving them no fuel for their fire. – Rob Fulton, Exponential Black
2. Kill Them with Kindness
The customer is always right, especially with a consumer facing product like ours. You sometimes get overbearing and demanding users, who either nitpick or are just not happy with anything you do. I find it best to agree and listen. Most of the time they are unhappy or disjointed about something that’s happening in their personal life and they are taking it out on you. So just grin and bear it. – Joseph DiTomaso, AllTheRooms
3. Just Start
Even if it’s small, just taking the first step with them is the most crucial part. – Wade Foster, Zapier
4. Keep Communication to Email
Unless it can be solved with a lightning quick phone call, keep the communication with the customer to email. Have an auto-reply only to that customer notifying that you check email three times a day, at 9 a.m., 12 p.m. and 4 p.m. This will manage their expectations and give them time to figure out the issues themselves. – Adam Stillman, SparkReel
5. Fire Them
I’m not one for customers that are overbearing and take up way more time than they should. If you’ve pulled all the stops and worked with them to the point of insanity, it’s time to fire them. In the beginning you can’t do this. But once you develop stronger relationships you can choose. Sometimes it’s not worth your mental capacity to deal with overbearing customers. – John Rampton, Host
6. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Just because someone calls you on the weekend doesn’t mean you have to answer the phone. Just because they email you at night doesn’t mean you have to respond right way. If someone acts inappropriately in a meeting or call, politely excuse yourself. And don’t be afraid to end the relationship if you need to. Clients like that can poison your whole business. – Mary Ellen Slayter, Reputation Capital
7. Be Assertive and Reassuring
Be honest about the work and intentions, all while being assertive to highlight that you won’t be pushed around. You have to be clear that you have expertise and experience in your work and reassure them that the end result will come out as planned. – Stanley Meytin, True Film Production
Dr. Anita Jack-Davies, an academic and cross-cultural expert with over 20 years of experience in training and instruction, has launched Badges2Bridges – an online program that trains police officers on race, racism, and anti-Black racism.
Dr. Jack-Davies, who is also an Adjunct Assistant Professor in the Department of Cultural Geography at Canada’s prestigious Queen’s University, has designed her program to be offered as a Zoom webinar (2 hours) or live interactive training with uniformed and command staff.
The invaluable training program is customized to meet the various needs of police departments all across the country. Currently, the program is training officers on the topic of race, racism, and anti-Black racism. Other topics are available including “Policing African American Communities”.
Here are some of the benefits:
* Staff will gain confidence when working Black and other racialized communities.
* Officers will be better prepared to de-escalate tense interactions based on cultural misunderstandings or miscues.
* Learners will gain increased confidence with community-based policing and during home visits, traffic stops, highway stops, and other face-to-face interactions.
For more details about the program, call 613-453-9534 or visit their official web site at Badges2Bridges.com
