In Interviews&profile February 5, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

TALE ALIMI: THE YEAR OF DOING

Like most years, this year is already racing with full speed as the first month comes to a close.

At the beginning of each year or towards the end of the previous year, we make plans for the new year and set goals of what we want to achieve. A couple of years ago, after setting and not achieving my goals, I quit setting goals!

I decided to just focus on the moment, visualize what I want and go with the flow. That worked well for sometime as I did not feel like I was in competition with anyone and I was able to listen to my instincts. The problem with this approach was that I spent more time visualizing and creating my vision board than actually taking action!

That’s when I knew that there had to be a balance and I made up my mind to find it.

Fast forward a few years later, working with our clients at Tale Alimi Global, we usually start the year setting our intentions for the year we want and creating corresponding goals. As we work with clients, I have observed that some people are better at articulating their goals than others. However some people are only able to articulate averagely, but once they had clarity, they did a good job executing.

Our most successful clients are ‘doers’, they massively execute on the strategy we develop and achieve great results. I am big on strategic thinking and planning, but from my experience, I have to say that an average strategy with massive execution trumps a great strategy with poor execution.

If you are a planner and visualizer like me, its time to start doing more! And I have themed this year, ‘My year of doing’ because it reminds me of Shonda Rhimes ‘Year of yes’ and because I spent the last year exploring and visualizing.

To encourage us(yes we are in this together) to do more, I came up with five reasons why we should execute more this year.

The more you do, the more you know how to do

The sickness of planners is trying to create ‘perfection’. You want to spend all the time looking at various options, doing scenario planning and projecting outcomes. However, all this is theory until you start doing! I spent almost six months agonizing over the title and content of my next book. I will go on long runs, get inspiration about titles and a few days later I would begin to doubt its relevance. After going round in circle for too long, I put my foot down in October and decided to start writing. Surprisingly, the more I wrote, the more I had a better sense of direction.

So stop agonizing and trying to get things perfect and watch the months fly by, start doing and more clarity and ideas would come to you.

Execution is a cure for self doubt.

Another curse of perfectionists is self doubt. You never feel good enough to do what you know in your heart you are meant to do. Or you tell yourself you don’t have the resources or the time to do it. I was speaking to my team member some weeks ago about leading a segment at our year end event. I noticed she was hesitating and when I asked her why, she said she did not think she was qualified to stand before the calibre of people we were expecting. I immediately debunked her self doubt and told her about my mentor in my Social impact fellowship in the US who was a decade younger than me.

I told her to just do it and she did a great job that created a positive atmosphere at the event. When you begin to doubt yourself , don’t dwell on it, get up and execute. The more you execute on something, your self doubt disappears and you become more confident in your self.

When you execute, you make your own luck.

How many times have you looked at people and thought how lucky they are? Most times the so called ‘lucky’ people are busy executing on something. If you have been waiting for a lucky break and it doesn’t seem to be coming, maybe it is time to get up and execute so you can make your own luck. Yesterday, I saw a news headline that Kim Kardashian was expecting another baby, I decide to ‘keep up with the Kardashians’ as I hardly watch Television so I am not up to date about them. As I read the news, I realized that they were always busy doing something! From having new babies to starting beauty companies. They were making their own luck by executing.

This is the year to make your own luck. If you want to create a multimillion business, start grinding.

Execution builds your focus.

You need focus to execute. When you decide to execute, you cut out distractions. When I decided to start writing my new book, I started blocking out time and cutting out things that might distract me like excessive social media watching the lives of other people who were executing!

Execution is what brings dreams to life.

My favorite past time is imagining and day dreaming. My imagination has 3D capacity! I like to see things in my mind first because I believe creativity starts internally before it manifests externally. However after you are done dreaming, you have to take some action to see the dream come to life. If you have been seeing yourself as a millionaire in your dreams, or married to the person of your dreams, then make it a reality by taking action to bring your dreams to life.

Now that I have themed this ‘Our year of doing’, I am determined to lead by example. Some of the things I will be doing includes finishing up my new book before the end of Q1 and I am co-founding a new Company to address the milestone funding challenges that a lot of small businesses face.

If you are a small business that has had funding challenges, please fill this survey to help us understand your needs better. And if you have an interest in investing in small businesses , please fill this survey, so we will also understand your requirements.

I want us to hold ourselves accountable to our year of doing, so lets connect on Instagram so that as I share my progress, you can also share yours with me. Lets start doing!

In lifestyle February 5, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

CHISOM WINIFRED: THE THING ABOUT NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Feel free to blame it on the spur of the moment. Everyone is excited and feeling like they can take on the world. At this point, we can promise God anything.

We’re gearing towards that time of the year again, the time for New Year resolutions. I hope you had a jolly Christmas, with plenty rice and chicken? Good, because it’s time for a blast of the naked truth.

We’ve all done it. Promised heaven and earth on New Year day. God, I will stop smoking. I will read my books this semester. I will serve you more this year. No sex for me this year. I’ll give all my time and energy to my business idea. Blah blah blah.

9 out of 10 times, we don’t even keep our promises till mid-January. After the first few weeks, everything flies out the window. It is okay to want to be better, set goals, turn a new leaf, but I think the concept of New Year resolutions is overhyped. I’ll tell you why.

If a person truly desires to make a resolution about his or her life, I don’t think they would wait for January first to do it.

So in 2019, instead of listing those things you know in your heart you probably will never do, why not set a definite goal? Don’t call it a resolution, call it a goal and map out strategic steps to achieve it.

A goal is the ongoing pursuit of a worthy objective until accomplished. Ongoing means it’s a process because goals take time. Pursuit indicates that a chase is involved. There will likely be some obstacles to overcome. Worthy shows that the chase will be worthwhile, there’s a big reward at the end to endure the tough times. Until accomplished suggests you’ll do whatever it takes to accomplish the set goal.

Instead of our usual litany of things to do and stop doing, why not choose one goal and give it all your energy?

Another mistake we often make is creating unclear goals, vague goals. I once had a New Year resolution to buy a car. I was 14 years old and in junior secondary school. Was it a reasonable goal for a 14-year-old? I think so. We’re supposed to dream big, right? But if you asked me then, how do you intend to accomplish this goal, I would have mumbled a bunch of good sounding gibberish because I always had an answer to everything. But I wouldn’t have had a clear answer. In creating goals, use this trick: Be more specific. When you write your goal down, tell yourself, Be more specific, then write your new answer. Keep repeating this until the goal is crystal clear and measurable. There are no such things as unrealistic goals, only unrealistic time frames. If I had said as a 14-year-old, “I’ll buy a car before I’m twenty-five,” that would have been more realistic, wouldn’t it?

Last tip for setting your 2019 New Year resolution (goals): What can you create using your unique talents? What do you do that other people find difficult? What opportunities exist in today’s marketplace for your area of exceptionality? I don’t know about you, but the New Year is about working smart, not hard.

About Chisom Winifred

Chisom Winifred is a creative writer with a flair for freelance articles. She’s currently a content creator for Blueafric Media where she also heads campaigns that focuses on brand introduction, positioning and promotion of its clients.
A red carpet and TV host, she was the red carpet host for Blueafric media at the just concluded 2017 AFRIFF. Reach out to Winifred on Chisomwinnifred.cw@gmail.com or her blog http://blueprintafric.com/

In self development January 21, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

NEW RESEARCH SAYS SEMEN MAY ACTUALLY TREAT DEPRESSION IN WOMEN

In a recent study conducted at the University of Albany, a psychology professor and his team found that the absorption of semen by the female body correlates with fewer symptoms of depression.

The team conducted anonymous surveys of 300 female students.

Each participant completed a survey about her intimate activities including frequency of intercourse, last intercourse, and how regularly the participant uses condoms. Participants also completed the Beck Depression Inventory.

The Beck Depression Inventory, or BDI, presents a person with 21 questions that gauge their level of depressive symptoms including:

mood

negative outlook

feelings of guilt

self-dislike

social withdrawal

difficulty functioning

Responders rate each question as it applies to them. The rating scale per question ranges from zero to three, three being the most intense experience of the symptom.

The total score can be as high as 63, higher scores again correlating to more severe depression. When the team compared participants’ BDI scores to their intimacy habits, answers about condom use stood out.

According to lead author Gordon Gallup, women who never used condoms in penetration scenarios showed significantly lower scores on the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI) than their peers who always or usually had their partners wear protection.

In developing this conclusion, the team made a point of adjusting for potentially relevant variables such as: relationship status use of other contraceptive strategies frequency of partner intimacy.

Among all variables, condom use correlated with the most clinically significant difference in participants’ BDI scores.

ALSO READ: Why Nigerians are the most depressed in Africa

The research team believes that the correlation between condom use and depressive symptoms may result from the interaction of biological material.

Gallup theorizes that upon penetration, the female partner’s internal tissues absorb some of the fluids that the male partner produces.

It is possible, the team suggests, that a woman’s mood and feeling state may change in response to this absorption.

The study’s sample size is relatively small and there are a number of unanswered questions surrounding the results.

Still, Gallup and his colleagues believe that the connection between improved mood non-use of condoms warrants further investigation.

The team cautions women and their partners not to take these findings as a motivation or an excuse not to use condoms.

Gallup has issued a statement to remind the public that protection from infectious diseases and the prevention of pregnancy should take precedence over an attempt to make use of these findings.

If you found this article interesting or surprising, please remember to SHARE it with your family and friends on Facebook!

Source: Higher Perspective

In self development January 3, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

ARIJENILEOLA BOLANLE: FEMALE FRIENDSHIP: SUPPORT OR STRIFE?

As women we thrive on strong expressive emotions with our dolls as little girls then to girlfriends and our lives are intertwined with so much to share, cry and laugh about be it problems, thoughts, feelings, and triumphs.

I grew up with girls that helped me find a voice with my little notes, I was so unintelligent when mathematics and calculations comes to play and because my school gives priority to science whiz students I had to go down and be a dullard in everyone’s eyes but my then friends made it a point of duty to stick my scribblings on the school notice board to make me feel good and confident and till date mostof my emotional and mental strength comes from deep bonds with the strong females in my life.

Over time, we become our friends as we mirror their thoughts, beliefs, and ideas and so far friendship has rocked my boat and many boats too,be it female friendship or with the guys.

But as the female gender seeks to hold her place of safety, respect and relevance, we have seen and read about strife,envy and unhealthy competition as major ingredients of the female friendship.

Note: I believe in competition, a healthy dose of win and let’s win with everyone cheering and celebrating everyone’s win.

As much as I value human resource, I have come to learn and still learning how to fix some friends in their places,some are just for the party rider, some for the career ride while few makes it to the real life issues and solution section but we tend to want everyone together till death do us part and gets heart broken when they misbehave or can’t meet up with expectations. It isn’t anyone’s fault but no one can do and be beyond her strength.

Also, knowing when to let go of some friendship is key. People will play their part and have to leave when their time is over but the mushiness of the female heart won’t let be till the signs are tired of blinking and everything goes sour and messy.

I am not asking you to let go of all your friends because I thrive on good and Godly friendships but I hope we get over assuming and mere talks of friendship to real communication. Don’t assume anyone is spiting you or envious of you, put your assumption to words, in a peaceful and logical way please then let fate sort the rest.

If you have good friends, always take time out to celebrate them and water your friendship, reduce third or tenth party influence as some don’t want good friendships but are on a mission to ruin any good friendship. Be a better friend, don’t be about all round receiving without giving, you might be the problem of your friends by draining them and their frustration is what you see as a problem.

For good people with odd friends,my prayers are with you and I hope you won’t give up doing good but reduce the toxic people around you before you gets contaminated.

We will achieve more as women if we stand, celebrate, build, empower and love without bias.

Be a good friend, forgive daily and let’s build the world with amazing love for the girls yet unborn.

Cheers to friendships and achievements of the New year.

In self development November 13, 2018 By Editor

8 REASONS IT’S HARD FOR SMART WOMEN TO FIND LOVE

Finding love is not an easy feat for anyone. If you are a woman who is of a higher intellect, chances are you have had an even harder time finding a fulfilling relationship. Society tends to think less of a woman who is single, as if there is something inherently wrong with them. This is definitely not the case. Below are 10 reasons why it can be harder for smart women to find love.

They aren’t afraid to be by themselves.

Smart women know what they want and aren’t willing to settle for anything less. They know the importance of staying true to themselves and they also realize that sacrificing their needs for the sake of love with the wrong person will only cause resentment in the long run. They do not have to settle out of fear of being alone, or fear of social implications by others’ who do not understand a woman’s ability to be by herself, and be happy.

2. They know what they want.

Every woman has a mental “checklist” of what they are looking for in a significant other. A smart woman’s checklist tends to be either longer or more specific than those who want a significant other, just to have a significant other. They know themselves and in turn know what type of person they can and can’t be with.

They don’t need another person to facilitate their lifestyle.

The past portrays that women needed to go straight from their father’s house to their husband’s. In the modern world women no longer need another person to help them live on their own; they may have realized they prefer that alone time. Therefore, knowing that they will eventually have to share that space can be scary for an independent woman.

They have other commitments that take priority over dating.

Careers, friendships, family, extra-curricular pursuits, whatever it is that she has going on may not allow for as much time to date as it takes to find the right mate.

They are hyper-aware that relationships end and can let their knowledge of the past affect their future potential relationships.

They have a harder time “living in the moment” and do not want to waste their time; as time truly is a valuable asset to a smart woman. They need to know that there is a future and that their potential mate is on the same page. Marriages, kids, finances, etc.

They know that attraction is only half the battle.

Physical attraction is an important aspect to finding love, but smart women understand that attraction is fleeting and can be altered once you see what is underneath. While a woman’s hormones tend to make the first step towards finding love, smart women understand that it is the intimacy developed (and maintained) by both people that dictates whether or not a relationship can last.

They can be intimidating.

When a woman is intelligent she isn’t afraid to stand up and say what she thinks. This is a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow. Whether it’s because they don’t know how to react, or if it’s because they don’t feel they can live up to her expectations; either way it can be somewhat intimidating for potential lovers and even friends.

They understand Change.

They don’t pretend that they, and their partners, will be the same person years down the road. They want to grow and they have ambitions for their futures that will change who they are, and ultimately, what they want. Knowing this makes it harder for a woman to commit to a partner for a long period of time.

In self development November 12, 2018 By Editor

TITILOLA EDU: SOCIAL MEDIA COMMENTARY & ITS DAMAGING CONSEQUENCE

Some years ago, when I was in Law School, I posted something vile on my Facebook page. I believe it was during President Jonathan’s administration. I’m not sure what exactly he did at the time, but I was enraged – like so many other people around me and in diaspora.

I was so angry at whatever had happened at the time that I wrote something very nasty about the President. It was actually insulting.

The next day, I received a call from my Dad asking me what I posted on Facebook. I was confused; my Dad was not on Facebook, and secondly, because I write a lot on Facebook so I was wondering which particular one he meant.

“I don’t understand, Sir” I said.

In an angry tone he told me to remove whatever it was I wrote on Facebook immediately. I had completely forgotten about what I had written the previous day. So I went back to my wall wondering how my father knew what I wrote on Facebook. It must be a family member that can not mind their business, I concluded.

The only damaging post on my wall was the one about Jonathan. So I took it down. I was miffed that my freedom of speech was being infringed on by my Dad and whomever reported me to him. Nonsense.

Years later, I began to understand the essence of keeping your thoughts and everything you put on social media in check.

What is Social Media?

Wikipedia defines social media as “media use web-based technologies, desktop computers and mobile technologies (e.g., smartphones and tablet computers) to create highly interactive platforms through which individuals, communities and organizations can share, co-create, discuss, and modify user-generated content or pre-made content posted online. They introduce substantial and pervasive changes to communication between businesses, organizations, communities and individuals”

Now we understand that social media basically is a technological innovation that gives you a platform to communicate, interact and engage people most times “real time”.

Now let us look at what social media reach means :

It is defined as the total number of people you are able to reach across all of your various social media networks.

It is no wonder that many businesses are now dominating cyberspace and utilizing the many advantages of social media as an effective marketing tool.

The ‘koko’ is you are able to reach more people with your content on social media as a business or as an individual.

So as an individual, I’m present on all social networks, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. So anything I post will not just be seen by my immediate followers, but their followers as well – especially if they share it to their space. My content is spreading. Your content could be good or bad, but it will definitely leave an impression about you.

What kind of impression do you want people having about you? Sometimes, we don’t care what people think; but what if whatever you leave out there could harm your career, relationship, family or business. Would you think think twice before posting anything and everything that comes to your mind?

Trust me, you don’t want your careless post reaching the wrong hands.

I read with dismay a comment on Funmi Iyanda’s post about marriage not being for her, and the guy that insulted Michelle Obama not having male children. News has it that he was suspended at work for his thoughtless comment.

When are we going to learn constructive criticism and stop being cyber bullies? What are you going to benefit from putting people down all the time? Even the Bible says “I will bless those who bless you and curse them that curse you”.

The rate at which we are so quick to insult people on social media is alarming! There are so many young impressionable people out there, what message are we passing to them?

Let your words/comments be geared toward building and destroying because they might eventually come back to haunt you.

It might have far- reaching consequence than you envisage, if not now, then later.

Be careful what you post on Social Media.

Source & Credit: Bellanaija

In self development November 5, 2018 By Editor

LORI MILNER: THE POWER OF LISTENING

It happens often: we appear to be listening but in fact we are so distracted by other thoughts, other people, and other things we have to do, that we’re not really actively listening. Or we’re thinking about what we’re going to say next and how we can say it so that we sound fabulously articulate and intelligent. We don’t entirely hear what the person in front of us is saying. We’re not getting the whole message. In our careers, it’s critical that we are heard. But it’s just as critical that we hear, that we truly hear. Our ability to really listen to others is as vital to our overall presence.

When we actively listen, we’re in a better position to get the whole story. We hear what is being said, how it’s being said and often more importantly, what isn’t being said. We start to see the whole picture, we grow in understanding and we learn. In the wise words of talk show legend Larry King, ‘I never learnt anything while I was talking.’

The more we listen, the more people tend to share, because ultimately people have a need to be heard. To remain unheard is almost like being invisible. When you give people the respect of listening to what they have to say and you value their right to express themselves, you make them feel more valuable. Don’t ever underestimate the power of giving someone the opportunity to be listened to.

Here are 8 tips to fine-tune your listening skills:

Prepare yourself to listen: Stop what you’re doing, put down that phone, put away auditory and visual distractions, hush your thoughts and most of all, stop talking. Listening is an active process, so it requires your absolute attention.
Show that you’re ready to listen: Make eye contact, focus on the speaker, and if you are sitting across from them, lean forward. Don’t fold your arms. Use your body language to make the speaker feel relaxed enough to speak freely.
Listen closely: Focus on what is being said. Now is not the time to plan a response, formulate an opinion or solve a problem. Now is the time to listen. Simply allow this person to express themselves and allow their views to be heard.
Be respectful: Don’t judge, don’t bring your personal prejudices into play and don’t censor what somebody else is trying to say. Practise curiosity instead. Open your mind and be respectful of the story unfolding in front of you.
Listen deeply: Listen as much to the things that aren’t being said as the things that are being said. Pay attention to the tone of voice, be mindful of the words that are chosen and watch the speaker’s body language.
Be patient: Don’t jump in. Even when the speaker pauses, fumbles for the right words, or stutters, don’t finish their sentences for them and don’t interrupt them.
Understand: When the full story is on the table, make sure you get it with absolute clarity. Ask questions if you have to. Paraphrase it back to them. Get all the details you need, not later, now.
And when you do respond: Think first, self-evaluate and ask yourself, is what I am about to say going to make a valuable contribution?

Here’s to the power of listening,

Warm wishes,

Lori

LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women.

Credit: Lori Milner, lionessesofafrica.com

In self development May 16, 2018 By Editor

SINEM BILEN ONABANJO: TAME YOUR INNER CONTROL FREAK

This month will mark three years since I moved back from Nigeria to the UK. As much as I remember Nigeria for all the great experience – having an event to attend every evening of the week, fun times with friends on the weekends, no Monday ever feeling like a Monday, I also remember the level of stress I and those around me put ourselves under almost daily over things we had no control over. The mad Lagos traffic for one, or people never keeping to appointments and sauntering three hours late with barely an apology.

Instead of letting go and letting life flow, we obsess over what we cannot change or control, often forgetting that life would be far more peaceful if we accept things we cannot change or assert our control on those we can.

Moving back to the UK and settling into a saner pace of life I have now found the zen place where I have accepted the things I cannot change and strive to change those I can control, I find day to day life is a lot more fun. This weekend, recalibrate, reenergise and take on the new week ahead with a new mindset of just worrying about the things you can control in a world where you can rarely control much else.

Your emotions
When stressed or upset, our first reaction is to fight the feeling rather than accept it, not realising the fighting leads to yet more anxiety. Here’s the easiest way to bust stress and find peace of mind: Acknowledge emotions. Whether it is anger, sadness, anxiety we feel, it is best to come to terms with that state of mind as opposed to fighting in and ride it out. That was, just like a surfer on the crest of a wave, you are in control.

Your reactions
Humans are actually quite one-dimensional in the sense that we choose one of two reactions when faced with a predicament: fight or flight. Fight if we are not feeling strong enough to tackle the situation at hand, fight if we are predisposed to take on the world without a second thought. Whichever you are more prone to, stress levels increase when you have a knee-jerk reaction to situations. Instead, step away from the situation, reassess your options and act instead of reacting.

Your time
Most stressful situations arise from lack of organisation and time management. We often tell ourselves that we don’t have enough time in the day. There is no bigger fallacy. Once you learn to plan ahead and plan well, your time is one of the easiest thing to control.

Your day
Much like our time, our day to day tasks are also under control, however much that may not seem the case on a manic Monday. Some like “eating the frog” first – i.e. getting the hardest task out of the day so the rest of the day goes smoothly – while others leave it till later in the day for when they have got their bearings right. Don’t let others dictate how you structure your tasks; only you know your biological clock and the ebb and flow of your energy, so pay attention to your peak times and plan your day accordingly. Once you take control of your day, you will see stress melt away.

Your perspective
I recall a time at work almost a decade ago when I had to tackle a toxic colleague while trying to get to grips with a new job, and the situation was getting increasingly distressing – until I had a heart-to-heart with another colleague who told me about NLP and ran me through some calming techniques. One effective method was ‘framing’ – imagining a stressful situation as a picture, then framing it in your mind and stepping away from the frame, almost imagining step by step how your perspective changes the more you remove yourself from the situation. What is overwhelming when you are right at the centre becomes more and more insignificant once you start distancing yourself mentally. Your perspective is the one thing you can take control of that will magically reduce your stress levels.

Your mindset
Much like ‘framing’ another method which proves effective when faced with difficult situations – either at home or at work – is to ask yourself a simple question: Will this matter a week, a month, a year from now? The chances are, the answer is often a resounding no. Then remains only one other question: Why worry now if in a week’s or a month’s time, this will be insignificant? Once you master these technique, you will have absolute control over your mind.

Your body
Have you heard the saying “I work out because punching people is frowned upon”? Truly, we have no control over challenging people or situations; and often once you start to feel like you are losing control, your body is the next to shut down. Have you had days when you feel almost petrified because of a stressful situation? The trick is to hit the court, the pool or the gym – whatever your choice of exercise, once you start sweating, and the endorphins kick in, you will immediately feel all the better for it. If controlling your body is within reach, with positive effects on controlling your mind, then get packing that gym kit already!

Source: Guardian.ng

In self development April 3, 2017 By Editor

ANUOLUWAPO ADELAKUN: THE IMPORTANCE OF FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE FOR WOMEN

Yes, I am dedicating this post to the most epic TwitterNG Clap back which has been trending.

The tweets which deserve to be engraved in gold and put up in the museum of Women Empowerment (If there is any) ensued between a cheesy young man who took to Twitter to rant about being refused a chance at having a relationship with a young lady (with a self-esteem on fleek) whom he had taken out on a date. He referred to her as a ‘broke ass hungry b*tch’. The lady who identified herself as the object of contention, simply replied his tweet with a break-down of the expenses incurred on the date and a screenshot of a money transfer to the said guy as a refund + tip.

Can we all have a moment of silence in honour of this ‘Miss Independent’ move.

You see, the young lady in question might not have a well-paid job or 30 billion for the account o *in Davido’s voice*; she didn’t even have to pay him back generously as she did, but I love that she didn’t feel helpless or without a choice.

This brought to mind something that happened to one of my mother’s friends some years ago. (I’m sharing her experience with her permission of course.) She had been in a horribly abusive marriage for years. Her husband even had a long cane hidden behind the door in their room for when she ‘misbehaved’ and wasted no time flogging her silly in front of their children. When the cane was not sufficient, he resorted to using his teeth. On one of such occasions, he bit one of her breasts and a chunk of her flesh was actually hanging on her chest.

My mother is a lawyer, but of what use was that, when her friend never wanted any help in that regard? ‘Where will I go?’ she would often ask my mother. My mother spoke to her husband on multiple occasions, but his woman was quick to cover him up.
Back to the vampire incident where the breast had been bitten; upon arrival at the hospital (you should know that this man never paid any of the bills arising from his violent outbursts) the doctor asked what could have caused such a fracas and my mother’s friend said that she had slipped and fallen badly off the stairs. Of course, the doctors didn’t believe her (Not with his teeth imprinted in her flesh), but counselled her nonetheless.

A few years ago, this man gave his wife a date – not when he would send her out of his home, but when he would actually kill her. She ran to my mother who advised her to get a job and earn some money no matter how meagre.

She did just that (against the wishes of her husband, who believed women should be full-time housewives) and that was the beginning of her freedom. Since the man always got angry when it was time to pay the bills, she started handling the bills. Unsurprisingly, he began to complain about how she didn’t care about him or treat him like a man. He complained, but never lifted a finger to hit her again. Why? She now had her own money and could afford to leave him, if he abused her again. Soon enough, he was transferred by his company to work in a state that was 12 hours away from home. He hasn’t come home visiting till this day.

And, you’re taking things too far with this issue, you may say – but I think not. We can’t overemphasise the need for women to be financially independent. In fact, most of the problems we have in the world today stem from the poverty many women face because they can’t or are not allowed or given opportunities to be financially independent. In many countries, including Nigeria, some cultures forbid women from owning or administering properties (this is one of the reasons why our gender equality bill must make a come-back in the Senate), denied employment because they will get pregnant and have babies and no one wants to pay for a breastfeeding or nappy changing vacation and yada yada.

Here’s my take on the Twitter incident: taking a lady out on a date, buying her expensive gifts, or treating her to some privileges doesn’t mean she must meet your expectations in return, or even pay you back in cash or kind. This is the grounds some men have ignorantly used to justify rape and forms of sexual violence. It is beyond sad. What if she was controlling you at the ATM or she bought the whole of Dubai mall using your credit card? Uncle, it still doesn’t mean she must have a relationship or have sex with you. Recieve sense!

Love can’t be forced, and relationships are not legal tenders for dates. If either of the parties on a date is not ‘feeling’ any chemistry or seeing any possibilities, they have a right to step back. After all, many of us have been on dates with people who have treated us very nicely, but with whom we had no relationships – we had the right to, for whatsoever reason.

More than anything, this particular twitter thread should be empowering to ladies. Don’t be intimidated. What if he takes you out and spends more than you can afford and behaves this same way, don’t feel like you have to pay anyone back for a date they invited you to. There’s a price to be paid for everything in this life including time spent with other people on dates. Hold your head up high; let your No be your No and your Yes be your Yes.

This is not a call to war, I simply mean that you have a choice!

About AnuOluwapo Adelakun

AnuOluwapo Adelakun is a passionate girl child and women rights advocate working on issues affecting marginalized girls and women in Nigeria. She’s a UNICEF Voices of Youth alumni, Carrington Youth Fellow of the US Consulate in Lagos, Nigeria and a UN WOMEN/Empower Women Global Champion for Change who grooms and mentors girl leaders across the globe.

Source: Bellanaija

In self development March 31, 2017 By Editor

SIJU YUSUF : WOMEN AND SELF-ESTEEM

Feminism and its aggressive drive in recent times have opened our eyes to a lot of issues bordering on women, chief of which is self esteem.

How we value ourselves, our self-worth and how we perceive our value to the people around us, and by extension, the world is a great way to describe self-esteem. In the case of women, it reflects an overall subjective emotional valuation of her own worth, more because women are emotional beings.

Several studies have shown that men have higher self-esteem than women. A study by American Association of University women stated in 1991 that ‘girls lose their self-esteem on the way to adolescence’.

Little wonder why particular attention is being paid to grooming a more informed generation of highly confident women.

Girls in the adolescent ages show rugged standpoints on a variety of matters however, this changes as they mature into dating ages. They begin to soft pedal and relax on these beliefs in a bid to be more attractive to the opposite sex. They take on new interests and assume new personalities.

Thankfully, this trend is changing and it is indeed interesting to know that the next generation of women do not have to be stifled to be accepted, or in the dating scenes, lovable.

The mischaracterization of women and their worth has caused too much damage in our world. From acceptance in places of worship to the wrong beliefs that certain positions in the workplaces cannot be held by women. Sadly, the society will not take on the responsibility to undo this harm, the onus is on every woman to recognize and take their positions.

Successes or failures are hinged on ones perception of worth. Therefore, it is safe to say nothing is as important as how you feel and think about yourself.

The following highlights practical ways women can improve their self-esteem.

Get a mentor. Have you seen a women whose strength and confidence you admire? Move close to them. Learn from them. Glean.

Many successful women are willing to help others navigate their paths because they know, more than anyone else, the hard-work, courage and strength that brought them this far. They also understand the importance of a support network.

Become self-reliant. Little successes have a way of boosting self-esteem. Rather than call in a handy-man to fix the cable set-up or even the kitchen cabinet, roll up your sleeves! There is something about the feeling of accomplishment on little things that spur us on to achieve greater tasks.

Positive thinking. This may actually be the very first step to take. It shouldn’t actually be a one-time event, the process should be a never ending one. The power of positive thinking cannot be over-emphasized. Positive thinking has been known to position or set people up for success and success, we already established is a great booster of self-esteem.

‘I am enough’. ‘I can do this’. ‘I am intelligent’.

Attention to self. Feel good about yourself. In saying feel good about oneself, particular attention is required to be paid to hygiene, dressing, diet and general welfare. The effect of these is especially powerful. Being confident in your looks is another essential ingredient in attaining and maintaining a rich self-esteem.

Be more assertive. Stand for what you believe in. Put you foot down on issues. An assertive person is more is more in charge of her emotions, after all, whatever happens, you were a major factor.

Be more in control of the places you visit and the people you let into your circle. Don’t give room to people that make you feel less about yourself. Be surrounded with people that know and appreciate your worth.

Know your strength. Find your strength and build on it. Encouragement comes from when you excel at the things that you do well. Again, the feeling of success is powerful in building self-esteem. When this is achieved, it becomes easier to stretch and push further.

Finally, the points mentioned above is not a ‘one-size-fits-all’ template as some women have had their esteem severely damaged by years of abuse and neglect, requiring professional help.

A psychotherapist should be seen in such instance. A professional that will help to uncover the circumstances that led to such levels of severity and help in developing a workable plan to rejuvenation.