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There are many kinds of books on relationships out there to help people lead long-lasting marriages, couples, and lives. But out of the vast selection of them, some of the most impactful books to pick up are the ones about love and how to love.

As you know, 50% of marriages end in divorce—which is terrible—and I think it comes down to love. People don’t quite know what it means to love someone else properly.

So, to help, I’ve picked out some of the best books to help with understanding love on a deeper level than you can imagine.

The best kind of books on relationships I find are ones that have the following specifications to them:

  • Backed by research – This is based on whether the author is a professional or someone who does a lot of research. A reliable book is one that has plenty of facts to back up claims.
  • Clarity – Clarity not only in readability but also in the actionable advice that it gives. You don’t want to deal with too much jargon.
  • Easy to read – You want a book to be engaging and entertaining to read. Information sticks better if the writing is amusing and can keep readers invested.
  • Solvability – The book provides clear advice that solves some of the common relationship problems and struggles.
  • Non-Cliche – It isn’t filled with typical cliches or theories that many people know about. The book should provide a new perspective on something familiar.

Now let’s dive in to the 10 essential books on relationships:

1. Difficult Conversations

 

One of the most frequent problems with couples is communication. To that extent, not having difficult conversations is also a problem. If couples want a relationship to last, they need to have those difficult conversations. But the reason most couples avoid those conversations is that they’re not sure what to do or are worried about these conversations hindering the relationship.

If you’re in that situation, I suggest you take a look at this book. While there are many books out there that teach you to be a great conversationalist, this book is a simplistic guide to help you navigate through every kind of difficult conversation or fight you may have—not just with couples, but with other people as well.

Buy “Difficult Conversations” here.

2. The 5 Love Languages

 

 

This is a top-tier relationship book that’s been on many lists before, and this won’t be the last. This book has a unique spin to what love is all about, and it helps you understand it in a profound manner.

According to the book, how we give and receive love can be divided into five parts. While we deliver love with these five “languages,” there are one or two of them that are more dominant than the other. This book helps you to identify your and your partner’s love languages to help communicate your love for one another better.

Buy “The 5 Love Languages” here.

3. Mindful Relationship Habits

 

Relationships have ups and downs, of course, and there are several ways to handle them. Sometimes, it’s being able to have those conversations and smooth things over. Other times, you get unique solutions like developing mindful relationship habits with your partner.

The idea with the habits mentioned in these books is to help you communicate clearly, avoid arguments, and better understand each other in thoughtful ways. All in all, it addresses the small relationship issues that you and your partner have to deal with.

Buy “Mindful Relationship Habits” here.

4. The Science of Happily Ever After

 

Growing up, the hope of relationships is to be able to live happily ever after—like what you’ve read in so many children’s books. This book is more of an adult expansion from that concept. But instead of filling you up with all kinds of hope with no rhyme or reason, the book is founded on science and hard facts.

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The author, Dr. Ty Tashiro, translates years of research and analysis of how we look for a partner to live “happily ever after” with and simplifies it. Using real-life scenarios, this book paints a path to guide you to your other half.

This book still applies to couples as well since this provides unique perspectives on how one can find enduring love for one another.

Buy “The Science of Happily Ever After” here.

5. Attached

 

Another science-based book, this one takes a different approach to the search for love. Instead, the research from this book talks about the “attachment theory.” The premise of the theory states why we need to be a relationship at all times and how we behave in those relationships as well.

The theory outlines three categories: anxious, avoidant, and secure. Written by a neuroscientist and a psychologist, you get a unique perspective in those fields and how it involves love. Overall, you’ll learn which of the three categories you fall into and how you can build your relationship around that.

Buy “Attached” here.

6. First Comes Love, Then Comes Money

 

One particular struggle I want to highlight in relationships is money. Finances alone cause a lot of disruption for couples. The reason for this is that couples don’t talk about money until it is a problem and by that point, you have two people arguing about money with no real way to steer the conversation or manage it.

Since many people don’t know how to talk about money—let alone to their partner—this book provides great insight into how people think about money. The book also explains the different kinds of money personalities and how you’re meant to interact with one another based on that information.

Buy “First Comes Love, Then Comes Money” here.

 

7. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

 

This is an older book on relationships, but it still holds up to this very day. The overall thesis of this book revolves around the idea that Martians (men) and Venusians (women) are at their happiest in relationships when they accept the differences as positives. Even though this is a familiar concept, it addresses some of the main struggles and complications in relationships—understanding one another and working through problems.

Buy “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” here.

8. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

 

With over a million copies sold, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a book that’s revolutionized the way we think and understand, repair, and improve marriages. John Gottman Ph.D. conducted an extensive study spanning a period of years and distilled the results into this book that author Nan Silver supported.

He narrowed his research down to habits that either build marriages up or tear them down. From those habits, he created the seven principles that help guide marriages down a path to long-lasting relationships.

Buy “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” here.

Asking for the same thing over and over again isn’t fun for anybody. Repeating yourself makes you feel like a nag and makes them feel bad about themselves. Not to mention, it drives you both crazy.

So, how do you break the cycle of nagging?

Learning how to quit nagging and start talking isn’t as complicated as it seems. It’s all about opening up those lines of communication and adjusting your expectations.

Keep reading for 6 easy steps on how to stop nagging and learn how to open a healthy dialogue with your spouse.

1. Watch Your Words

It’s natural to feel exasperated if you feel your spouse isn’t pulling their weight around the house, but the last thing you want to do is put your partner on the defensive. How can you avoid this? Simply put, listen to the way you’re asking your partner for help.

How you think you’re saying things: “Honey, I would really appreciate it if you did the dishes while I’m at work.”

How you’re actually saying things: “How are you so oblivious that you don’t even see those dishes piling up while I’m at work?”

As we can see from this example, your words and the way you make requests of your spouse matter. Instead of making them feel guilty or belittled, phrase it in a way that makes them feel good.

“I would really appreciate your help with…”

“It always makes me feel good when…”

“You’re my hero when you…”

The above openers are great conversation starters.

2. Don’t Believe in Mind Reading

Men and women have a terrible habit of believing that, after a time, their spouse knows them so well that they should be able to understand what they want without ever having to tell them. This is a cute thought but rarely is it ever true.

Any marriage therapist will tell you that your spouse cannot read your mind. If you need something from them, you need to learn to ask for it.[1]

You can start by sending out little cues that you want X or Y, but if they don’t catch on by the time you get to Z, it’s time to start communicating with your words.

Not only does this save your spouse from playing a guessing game, but it also saves you a lot of frustration.

3. Make It a Shared Decision

One way to stop nagging and start being proactive is by getting your partner involved.

Problem-solving isn’t something you should do on your own. When you are married or in a serious relationship, you are partners, not parents to each other.

What your job isn’t: Mummying your spouse and telling them what to do.

What your job is: To come together as a couple and work at healthy conflict resolution. Identify the problem you’re having in a kind and respectful manner and then ask your partner to weigh in on how to resolve the conflict at hand.

The keys to great problem-solving are empathy, communication, and listening to each other.

4. Take a Marriage Course

The need to nag comes down to a fundamental lack of communication in a relationship.[2] When both partners are open and honest about their needs, conversation flows, and partners look for ways to help each other out – instead of being told to do so.

Instead of seeing a marriage therapist, why not take a marriage course?

There are plenty of online courses designed to help couples understand each other better. Topics covered in a popular online marriage course include setting shared goals as a couple, building compassion and empathy, mastering the art of communication, intimacy, and making and sharing traditions.

5. Get Your Partner to Hear You

No partner wants to be a nag, and the argument could be made that if the spouse or child did what they asked the first time, they wouldn’t have to keep bringing it up, which effectively stops nagging.

A fair point!

But harping at people doesn’t usually get the job done – so how DO you get someone to listen without nagging them?

The best way to get your partner to listen to you and avoid ending up in a marriage course for couples on the brink of destruction is to get them to see things from your perspective.[3] Relate your situation to something they can understand.

One stay-at-home mom and homemaker worked hard to keep her house neat and tidy, but her construction worker husband would come home and walk through the freshly mopped hardwood floors with his dusty work boots on. She asked him to take his boots off repeatedly, but he could never seem to follow through.

One day she said to him, “Keeping the house clean is my job, just like doing drywall is your job. When you come home and walk through the house with your boots on after I just finished cleaning it, it’s as if I came to your construction site and ripped down the drywall you put up that day. Do you see how I could find this to be frustrating?”

The wife used an example the husband could understand, and so he became more empathetic to her desires.

6. Do It Yourself, If Possible

As they say, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”

To decrease nagging, ask yourself whether what you’re about to say is worth getting upset over and whether it’s worth taking the task into your own hands.

Sure, it’d be nice if your spouse refilled the compost bag so you don’t have to do it, but the next time you’re getting ready to nag about it, ask yourself: Is a compost bag worth starting World War III over?

If you want to break the cycle of nagging without ending up in the office of a marriage therapist, you need to learn how to rephrase your requests. Speak respectfully and work on building empathy in your relationship. A marriage course can also help build communication and work on your conflict resolution skills.

Final Thoughts

Communication is key to any relationship, and it’s especially more important for partners. Sometimes, a person may feel like they’re communicating properly, unaware that their partner is already hearing them nagging. These 6 tips will help you stop nagging and communicate better with your partner.

Source: Lifehack.org

The journey of marriage is that which requires careful planning, deliberations and considerations on both partners. Both parties should be knowledgeable enough about what they are getting into before tying the knot. Before considering who you marry, there has to be a clear understanding of your life, journey and the kind of family you want to have. This would determine the team players like you and your spouse.

So here are 5 things to consider as you prepare for marriage

1. Value

 In marriage, values are important because they determine your actions and reactions and it is important to consider your spouse’s values before marriage. Values are principles that determine how you live your life, what you do, the people you walk with, who you connect with and who you get engaged with. It is better that you know what your values are so that you do not end up dating people who do not share in your values.

Examples of values that can really create a friction in marriage are Integrity, Spirituality, Family and Hard work. If you are dating someone who is dishonest, lies a lot and does not keep to promises or who does not care about people, when you get married, you will find out that you both will feel disconnected in many ways leading to unmet or failed expectations and disappointments.

 

2 Personality Types

 Your personality determines how you behave, your strength, your behavior and view towards life. Knowing your personality helps to master those areas that can easily hunt you down and master those strengths that are way makers for you.

To be able to do this, you need to know your temperaments. Your temperament is the way God wired you from birth. It’s the part of you that precedes any environmental factors.

We have four major ones which are:

Choleric

Sanguine

Phlegmatic

Find out which of these you are, discover how they work for you and also take feedback from people on how well you can be better while on your journey to self-mastery. So that when you get married, you can know how to manage yourself and also manage your partner’s behavior and personality too. Learning about personality types will help you manage your relationship with your partner. It will help you understand why they act in some ways.

3. Purpose

 Everyone is born with a unique purpose in life but not everyone is able to recognize the significance of this life’s substance or acknowledge the purpose which can make life meaningful and fulfilling even before they find that special person to complement them. A life without a purpose to serve as compass for direction during the years you are single may develop many complex issues in the years to come both in your personal and married life.

Your purpose can only be found in God. One of the things you want to do is build self-awareness, understand yourself in God, discover your strength, understand your talents, your gifting and build a close walk with God so that you can see how all of these things fit into the plan he has for you before you were born.

One of the biggest reasons of this is that, many people experience a reawakening moment in marriage and discover that the person they married is not willing to support them in their purpose. To avoid this, get a glimpse of your future and walk with someone who can help you fly with it.

4. Your Walk With God

 I’ve noticed that Spirituality or Faith for many people is at the core of their lives and they really want people who can share the same thing with them. So before you get married, it’s really good that you build a relationship with God so that you can really understand your life and build a strong anchor for yourself. So that when you get married, you do not seek for happiness and joy from your spouse. But you know that you have a true source that is deeper than that.

Having a consistent relationship with God prepares and gives you an advantage in your life’s choices; because you would not be kept in the dark about the vital things that matter to your life and as such help you make healthy choices.

5 Family Pattern

 Discover the patterns that are operating in your family like anger, delays or late marriage.

What are those patterns in terms of behavior, lifestyle, circumstances or delays that you have noticed?

How can you wage against it?

Do you want to develop yourself; do you want to pray about it?

Do you want to become accountable?

Do you want to build structures around your life so that you can be a different person who does not end up in a marriage that repeats itself?

So with these five things, you can be able to build self-awareness around it and one of the ways you can build self-awareness is to read more books, take part in programs, have a mentor, seek support from other friends who have the same like mind goal and always take feedback from life.

Journaling is a good way to track your life experiences and patterns.

These are some of the things you can build your life with so that you can get married and be at peace with yourself and who you have chosen.

In what ways have you been preparing yourself towards marriage?

What will you start doing differently?

 

 

The most vital component of any relationship is the aspect of give and take. For any relationship to function efficiently, there has to some kind of mutual exchange. The absence of this exchange breeds discord which eventually leads to toxicity and, in most cases, dissolution.

We teach people how to treat us” – Dr. Phill.

We are all created to live dependently; dependent on food for sustenance, clothing for coverings, housing for protection from harsh weather conditions. As much as we don’t like to hear this, humans depend on humans to survive. The success of our life endeavours is contingent upon developing positive relationships with people from all spheres of life.

Physical and emotional dependency is very vital to our overall well-being in life in more ways than one. Human relationship and co-existence is a highly complex and extremely volatile topic. We are cognitively wired differently. It is not a one-size-fits-all kind of conversation and one of the key elements to peaceful coexistence is to understand this.

The need for dependency is why we are in a relationship, be it a business, cordial, or marital relationship. The most vital component of any relationship is the aspect of give and take. For any relationship to function efficiently, there has to some kind of mutual exchange. The absence of this exchange breeds discord which eventually leads to toxicity and, in most cases, dissolution.

A symbiotic relationship exists in almost every aspect of life. Give the earth seed, it will give you fruit in return. When a spouse gives his partner love, care, and attention, he expects all those, and more, in return. When you are vulnerable and divulge your concerns to a friend, you expect that it will remain confidential. A fetus depends on its mother to be incubated and successfully carried until it is birthed. A symbiotic relationship is also a significant factor in business transactions and in civil society.

Understanding that we are wired differently and having respect for other people’s genetic composition, taking cognizant of whom you entrust your life to, and being aware of the courtesies you extend to others are the first steps towards avoiding toxic relationships.

Irrespective of how carefully we avoid toxic relationships, there will be situations where we will encounter people who love to take without giving. They abuse privileges, takes loyalty for granted, and develop a sense of entitlement. So at what point do we draw the line? How do we untangle our emotional and physical dependency from such situations, think rationally, and find a path out of a toxic relationship?

The first step towards finding a path that leads to freedom is to identify what a toxic relationship means to you and how that relationship has impacted your life. Then place value on and prioritize your self-worth. How much are you worth to yourself? People treat you based on how valuable they perceive you to be.

You can be cheap or expensive, there are no in-betweens and if you price yourself cheaply, then you will be susceptible to all kinds of devaluation which will gradually seep into and affect other areas of your life. You also have to recognize what you can and cannot stand for, and what you desire out of life. Trust me when I say human tolerance can only take you to an extent. But most importantly, you will be doing yourself a total disservice by wallowing in toxicity in the long run.

Our relationships with people have the tendency to define us but we have the capacity to change the narrative as to how we want to be treated. Anything below our expectations will breed contempt, which will then lead to self-doubt and may eventually impact our mental health negatively. It is vital to find ways to detach or reduce our emotional dependence on people we are in relationships with.

This can be done by being confident, knowing your self-worth, building your self-esteem, potentials, practicing self-love, and loving yourself enough to walk away when it gets toxic.

Never allow other people’s inability to own up to their inadequacies overwhelm your progress or your sense of accomplishment. People will never hesitate to bring you down if you give them permission to.

Remember, we are wired differently, as a woman, your partner may not see the toxicity he is dishing you. You may even tell him you are uncomfortable with his behavior and he’ll tell you the feeling is mutual and he wouldn’t be wrong. Know where you belong, search yourself, find your peace of mind, and run with it.

Source: Bellanaija

Whether you are happy or miserable, these tips can strengthen your relationship.

After the honeymoon ends and reality sets in, you begin to realize how much work goes into a healthy marriage. And yet, even decades after their wedding day, some couples claim their many years of marriage as the best of their life. Clearly, they’ve learned what it takes to maintain a happy marriage, so why can’t you?

Here are the top four things that will make all the difference in your marriage:

  1. Apologize and let things go

There’s a misconception that apologizing is a sign of weakness. But in a relationship, doing so demonstrates strength. Happy couples will build their relationship by offering genuine apologies when they’ve done something wrong or hurtful to their sweetheart.

Being stubborn or holding grudges can tear you and your spouse apart. The longer you wait to apologize, the longer the problem will fester and infect your relationship.

Once you’ve cleared the air, learn to let the issue go, because leaving your problems in the past will allow you to grow closer together.

  1. Honest communication

Communication takes work – a lot of work, but it’s the key to a strong and thriving relationship.

There’s a bit of a learning curve as you adapt to each other’s needs.

Start with, “This is how I’m feeling, and this is what I need from you right now.”

This statement will open an honest and judgement-free conversation that allows you to be transparent and straightforward with your feelings and with what you need from your spouse in return.

3. Never say anything bad about your spouse

You never know who is listening, and it might get back to them. People who don’t know your spouse could meet them and greet them with, “I’ve never met you but I’ve heard…” Don’t talk badly about them, even if they aren’t around.

Even if what you’re saying is true, speaking ill of them promotes your underlying negative feelings. Every time you vocalize those thoughts to yourself, in your journal, to your mother, to your friend or even to your spouse, negative thoughts and feelings become rooted deeply and cause you to resent them for no reason.

Avoiding negative thoughts and promoting each other’s positive attributes will immediately strengthen your relationship.

4. Learn each other’s love languages

There are a variety of love languages, so you and your spouse may differ in the ways you receive and show affection. Make it a goal to learn your spouse’s love language and vice versa. That way, you can always be certain you are meeting their needs.

For example, I have a friend whose love language is quality time. Her husband knows this, so he sits in the same room as her. But, he tends to fiddle with his computer, play a game or do homework when sitting with her. My friend explained to me that it took some time for her husband to understand that being in the same room was not the same thing as quality time.

The fastest way to find happiness in your marriage is to establish healthy habits from the beginning. Take time to discuss any changes you want to make in your relationship, and ask for your partner’s cooperation and help. Honest conversations are worth the time to infuse your relationship with more life, affection and happiness.

Source: Familyshare

Who we marry is one of the most important decisions in life. One that will influence the level of happiness, growth, and success, like no other choice. However, the concept of marriage has taken a new turn in the last couple of years, as we’ve witnessed not only high rate of divorce and separation, but partners devising violent methods to end their marriage. Modupe Ehirim is changing that narrative through her Right Fit Marriage Academy, where she works with men and women to become persons that their spouses look forward to coming home too.

Using The Right Fit Marriage Program, Modupe Ehirim guides married people to intentionally design and build healthy and long-lasting marriages. She is a Certified SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) Facilitator. The SYMBIS Assessment gives you a personalized road map to making your marriage everything it was meant to be. She is also a Certified Family Systems Engineering Practitioner. The Network of FSE Practitioners comprises professionals who work to restore dignity to human relationships in marriage, parenting and family life.

Modupe has varied experiences. She graduated with First Class Honours in Chemical Engineering from University of Ife (now Obafemi Awolowo University) in 1980. She then worked for with the Central Bank of Nigeria (Building and Engineering Services) for seventeen years before setting up a retail book business which she operated for thirteen years. She has served on the National Executive Committees of two business membership organisations Christian Booksellers Association Nigeria (CBAN) and NECA’ss Network of Entrepreneurial Women (NNEW). She is currently a member of the board of OASIS International, Publishers of the Africa Study Bible.

She mentors young people, helping them to chart their lives’ paths.  She is  also the Counsellor on the popular weekly Relationship and Marriage Show, Make We Talk Am on WaZoBia 95.1 FM Radio. She is happily married to Boniface, her husband of over thirty-four years, and together four lovely children. In her words “ I grew up in a family where relationships were considered really important”.

Childhood Preparation

I grew up in a family where relationships were considered really important. I was privileged to see my parents courageously addressing difficult issues with one another and with other family members. My mum in particular used every opportunity to teach us interpersonal skills and help us use these skills in practical ways. When I told my parents, I wanted to marry someone from a different ethnic group, my mother went out to make several inquiries about this group and the culture and practices. She shared her findings with me and took time to help me to understand the long term implications of what I wanted to do. Her goal wasn’t to frighten me. Rather she wanted me to go into my marriage with a full understanding of what an inter ethnic marriage involved.

I remember her saying, “When you go to the village, and your inlaws are speaking their language,  don’t assume they’re gossiping about you. You don’t understand what they are saying.

Working in the banking sector for almost 2 decades and pitching my tent in the relationship management sector

I’m an engineer by training, so I can say I’ve had a lifelong interest in how things work, investigating causes and effects. I approached different phases of my life – marriage, parenting, career, friendships, faith – with curiosity as to what is required to succeed in each phase. At each point, I would do a lot of reading and research into these issues and come up with systems, structures and processes that I could use to build the fabric of relationships. In the society we live in, people tend to approach these things from an emotional or religious standpoint and while there is nothing wrong with that, I wanted to ensure I approached things from an intellectual standpoint as well. So even while I worked in the bank and across other sectors, I was simultaneously building capacity in managing relationships. But as I matured in age and had to optimize my time and energy, I decided to focus my effort on giving back and sharing all of the knowledge and experience I had gathered. And the relationship management sector was where I saw the most need and where I felt I could have the most impact.

Vital lessons from my 30 years plus marriage

Fundamentally, people are different. They have different origins, life experiences and exposure. Expectedly,  perspectives on important issues are different. Conflict simply means that we have different perspectives on issues that are of significant value to both of us. It is important to always stand in your partner’s shoes and look at issues through their eyes so you can also understand their intentions and not just their actions. As our people say, there are many roads to the market. So the aim is not to insist that your partner takes the route you know, the aim is to ensure that you help them get to the market regardless. And when there is conflict, the aim should not be proving you are right to win arguments, but communicating patiently to ensure that both parties goals are aligned.

Being a Certified SYMBIS Facilitator, and its impact on marriages and domestic relationships

SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) is one of the tools Family Life Practitioners use in their work. It is a diagnostic tool that helps new couples flag and lower their risk factors and  also helps them optimize their combined strengths as a couple. It does this by assessing everything from psychological wellbeing to revealing how their combined personalities can be leveraged for optimal success.  As a SYMBIS Facilitator,  I use the report generated from the assessment to guide couples through honest discussions in which they level their expectations of marriage and of themselves and come up with a personalised strategy for growing a healthy marital relationship. We also have  the SYMBIS+ for couples who are already married but who want to improve their relationship.

 

Inspiration behind MOE Advisory Limited

Some six years ago, I observed that many people came to social media to seek guidance in dealing with various marriage and relationship issues. I was alarmed at the nature of advice that was shared without consideration for the total  context of issues being treated. I thought that it wasn’t enough to complain and decided to set up a platform where such requests for guidance will be treated from a principle-based perspective. The online platform has now grown to over 11,000 members across 81 countries. Furthermore, I came to realise that a lot of the issues my members faced were not limited to conflict in marriage but rather a general lack of emotional intelligence in dealing with human relationships. So from then on I started providing advisory on relationship management beyond marriage, extending into the corporate space. I was privileged to work at the Central Bank of Nigeria for two decades so I have a wide range of corporate experience managing and being managed by people. I also channelled this experience to help my members navigate relationships with teammates, subordinates and superiors at work. My vision is to help build an emotionally intelligent workforce.

 

Challenges “New school” folks face when engaging with the older generation in the workplace and how can they manage it properly

Times have changed. Most people my age grew up, socialized, married and worked in the same communities with people who shared similar life experiences to them. With the new school, their reality is a lot more different. Their social experience is a lot more diverse and also a lot more digital. And because of that both parties often approach the same issues with very different perspectives informed. This often leads to conflict. To manage this properly, the new school workforce has to understand the social paradigms of the older generation and the limitations this imposes on them. They need to understand that, most of the time, the root cause of the perceived differences is more ignorance than spite. And then, they have to be proactive and consider ways they can bridge the gap from a position of empathy, to educate and interact with the older generation in an emotionally intelligent manner.

 

Being a relationship counsellor and social Entrepreneur

Getting people to understand that the other person isn’t always the problem. A lot of people are quick to see the problem in their colleagues actions but not self aware enough to see how they could react and communicate better in certain situations. I think this stems from our inability to be vulnerable, to look in the mirror and admit our shortcomings. Then beyond that, there’s the perception of shame that comes with seeking out help. So most people tend to take the easy way out, to pretend there is no issue while keeping up appearances. As a relationship counsellor, it becomes a challenge to solve problems that people aren’t willing to admit they have.

And as a social entrepreneur, the major challenge is the poor infrastructure. I offer personalised sessions to working class clients and so a lot of these sessions have to be held remotely via social media which may not be the most reliable due to electricity and internet shortcomings. Also, there’s the cultural problem where people don’t perceive advisory as something they should pay for because they are used to getting free counselling from church or family members. And even when people are willing to pay, there’s a limit to how a lot of clients can pay due to their low financial capacity.

On young people being informed on the purpose of building strong interpersonal relationships

No, I don’t think they are. In private and public spaces, personal conversations and mass media, we tend to speak more about the pains of unhealthy relationships. And while these pains are real and present dangers, there is little spoken about the real and present solutions to these problems. So young people begin to think that interpersonal relationships are problematic by default and synonymous with pain. I think these conversations should extend beyond the pains of relationships and instead explore the foundations of healthy relationships such as empathy, good communication, understanding boundaries and conflict resolution.

To the person experiencing Domestic Violence in Marriage

Firstly, I will reassure them that it is never their fault, then I will encourage them to get help. Personally, I believe not everyone is equipped with the resources to ascertain the risks and provide support to domestic violence victims. However, there are agencies such as the Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team, Project Alert, Media Concern for Women and Children Initiative (MEDIACON) and others who know how best to help trauma victims in whatever way they need it most. These organizations and others like them collaborate and work together. Once you reach one of them, they are able to connect you with their colleagues in your location. These are the sort of people I would direct a person who is experiencing Domestic Violence to get help from.

On the role the church should play in Marriage

This is an interesting question that comes up again and again. First marriage is not a Christian institution.  It is a human institution. What this means is that there are marriages that do not take the Christian standards and perspectives as their guide. That said, the church has an important role to play. Encouraging and supporting church members to maintain genuinely healthy marital relationships that are models in the community is the primary role the church can play. This requires willingness to address dysfunction issues like adultery and abuse. If the church does this, such relationships will provide templates for community members to build their own marriages with.

Being a Woman of Rubies

I’m a Woman of Rubies because I recognise that I am uniquely created by God for the positions and roles I have in life. I’m constantly looking to let myself shine, regardless of the position I find myself or the age I reach. This means constantly learning, growing capacity and reinventing myself to meet the needs of those I look to impact and inspire.

For those who are afraid of marriage because of the high rate of separation and divorce

What you focus on grows. If you feed your mind with reports of marriage crises and fatalities, your mind will accept that as the only reality. However, if you feed your mind with reports of healthy and thriving marriages and follow it up with honest inquiry of what makes such marriages work, you will be rightly equipped to make your own relationship work. In The Right Fit Marriage Academy, an arm of MOE Advisory Limited,  we have members of our community who experienced significant paradigm shifts and lost their fear of marriage as they did what I just advised. Today they are in healthy and happy marriages.

An ideal relationship is one of equity, where both partners give and take happily in a positive, healthy dynamic. But maybe you’re having some doubts about your own relationship. Is it really one of reciprocity? Does your partner care for you as much as you care for them?

Unfortunately, differences in commitment levels are far from unusual in relationships. But you and your partner both deserve to be with someone who they share a balanced dynamic with, so you need to make sure you’re not being taken for granted or led on.

Here are 7 Signs Your Partner Doesn’t Care About Your Relationship

1.You hardly interact

How often do you and your partner interact? If they are interested in you beyond a superficial level, they would want to spend as much time as they can with you. This doesn’t mean they won’t be busy or have their own hobbies and commitments. But it does mean that they’d make an effort to see you or at least talk to you very regularly.

Consider;

How often do you go on dates? Is it often many weeks before you see each other in person?

Do you text each other regularly? Or are there long gaps between messages, and many days that you go without speaking?

Do you call each other, especially when you can’t see each other for a while?

How quickly do they respond to your messages or attempts at interaction?

Do they often make last-minute plans, or cancel long-made ones?

If your partner doesn’t seem to want to spend that much time interacting with you, they probably only think of you as a side-fling.

2 – They Avoid Presenting You As a Partner

When you’re with someone you care for, it’s hard not to want to show them off. You proudly announce that this is your girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner. You tag them in cute pictures on social media. You tell others stories about them.

But what if your partner just thinks of you as a fling? They likely won’t want to make others think you’re their partner because they don’t see this as a long-term thing.

A partner who is in it for the long run will:

Be very excited about showing you off to others

Proudly bring you around with them

Introduce you as their partner in a positive way

Tell others about you, even just in passing

Have no problems posting social media photos or statuses that involve you

On the other hand, a partner who doesn’t care about sticking with you will:

Introduce you as a friend or refuse to use committed terms for you

Seem embarrassed by you, as though they don’t want to be seen with you

Never talk about you, ever

Refuse to be open about your relationship on social media

3 – You’ve Never Met Their Friends Or Family

Someone’s friends and family are the people they spend time with. These are the lovely people your partner cares most about. If you were an important part of your partner’s life, they would have decided to introduce you to the other people they love so that their worlds can collide in harmony.

But if your partner doesn’t want you to meet anyone he knows, there’s a good chance that’s because they don’t think it’s necessary. You won’t be around for long enough for the stress and anxiety of these meetings to be worth it, and maybe your partner doesn’t see there being much of a point, to begin with.

4 – You Initiate Everything

No matter what, it seems like you’re always initiating every interaction you have with your partner. They never take the first step, and it’s enough to make anyone wonder if the relationship is a real, committed one. Sadly, the answer is probably “no”. This goes for:

Texts

Calls

Dates

Intimacy

Gestures of affection

Gifts

Your positive thinking may spur you to continue this pattern of repeated and unreciprocated initiation, but be careful. There’s a good chance that they just don’t consider you worth that effort.

5 – Your Interactions Revolve around Physical Intimacy

Does your partner only seem to ring you up for intimate activities, as though you’re a number to casually dial for booty call services? Perhaps you’ve noticed that, no matter what you’re doing, things always slowly devolve into private, steamy exchanges.

This is even more of a red flag if you try to get your partner to do other activities with you outside of the bedroom, but they repeatedly turn you down. It definitely sounds like they’re only interested in intimate activities, and not in being with you in the long run. Sure, intimacy is important in all sexual relationships, but it shouldn’t be all that you do.

6 – They Don’t do Anything for you

Relationships are about give and take, and a healthy one involves plenty of that. More importantly, a positive and committed relationship has both partners making “sacrificial” types of gestures for the betterment of their significant other’s life or happiness.

They don’t have to be big gestures, and you certainly shouldn’t expect a partner to give up everything in their life for you. But there are some common signs of commitment through small sacrifices, including:

Doing things for you that they don’t necessarily enjoy

Changing up their schedule every now and then to be with you

Helping you whittle down small things on your to-do list

Being there for you when you’re feeling down

Offering to help you out with small tasks

Buying you simple but meaningful gifts

Actively trying to make you happy

If your partner refuses to do absolutely anything at all for you, there’s a good chance that they don’t care about you or your relationship.

7 – You Only Seem To Meet at The same Place and time

Couples typically like the process of switching things up every once in a while, and doing the exact same thing can get fairly monotonous and boring. But for some reason, everything about your relationship is monotonous. You meet at the same places every time you do meet, or at the exact same time, or only at night, or even all three.

Why is this a bad sign? Well, it could indicate that your partner doesn’t want to bring you into their life – they just want you to be a regular stop in their daily routine. It sounds nice until you realize that this means you’re not a partner in this situation: you’re a convenient number on a list.

This can also indicate that:

Your partner is hiding something

Your partner doesn’t want to alter their schedule to see you

Or, your partner is meeting with you out of convenience

Of course, jumping to these conclusions quickly is a bad idea, but you should be ready for the unexpected when you bring this up to your partner.

8 – They Don’t Know Much About You (And They Don’t Ask)

Does your partner sometimes feel like a stranger? Do they buy your least favorite chocolate to give you as a gift, even after you’ve told them you dislike it countless times? Do they have no idea what you do for a living? Have they mixed up your hobbies multiple times?

A partner who doesn’t know much about you is probably not interested in finding out more about you and committing it to memory. It’s even worse if they never ask – it truly shows that they have little to no actual interest in you.

This also goes the other way around. A partner who is committed often shares more about themselves with their significant other, according to studies that examine the positive and negative links between self-disclosure and commitment readiness.

9 – They Don’t Talk About The Future

Someone who cares about your relationship and is committed to you will happily discuss the future with you. This doesn’t have to be about marriage or having kids, either (and in most newer relationships, it won’t be!). Instead, you may notice things like:

Your partner talks about his future while including you in it

Your partner seems to naturally include you in all their future plans

Or, your partner expresses a desire to be with you for a long time

Your partner makes plans months in advance with you for vacations, dates, or other events

Your partner is happy to have an open, honest conversation about the direction of your relationship

On the flip side, a partner who completely refuses to talk about the future at all, they probably are not committed to you and don’t care about the relationship nearly as much as you do.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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Michelle Obama admitted her marriage was rocky right after the girls were born .

She attended therapy sessions and realised it was not her husband’s responsibility to make her happy.The author added at the end of the day, Obama was her friend and she was reminded why she fell in love with him – The two are now happy and stronger 28 years after walking down the aisle Former US first lady Michelle Obama has admitted not all marriages are perfect and hers too survived the test of time. The mother of two disclosed she and retired president Barrack Obama went through a rough patch right after their girls were born.

One lesson Michelle learned was her happiness was her responsibility and she was also not in charge of her husband’s joy. She also discovered she and the former president were different individuals who needed to celebrate and recognize their uniqueness before focusing on each other.

The former first lady pointed out her marriage was built on friendship and that always reminded her to stick by the man who was her friend before being her partner. “We went through a tough time, we did some hard things together. But now we are out on the other end and I can look at him and I still recognise my husband.

He is still the man I fell in love with,” Michelle added. As earlier reported, the retired FLOTUS said she and her husband also struggled to comfortably transition to empty nesters. After their daughters went off to college, the duo cried and tried their best to embrace their new reality. She also joked about how Obama is a huge cry baby who gets carried away whenever his daughters achieve any milestones like graduating.

We do know that a healthy sex in marriage is one of the most commonly cited traits among happy couples when asked how they make it work.  These couples have managed to maintain intimacy for years, still enjoying their bond and maintaining the fondness they have for one another.

Sex and marriage go hand in hand. If you can buy this argument, you can most likely understand why is sex so important in a marriage. Intimacy enhances long-term relationships, and this is what Sex Therapist Mo Darasayo advocates for .

Mo Darasayo (MDS is a Sex Enthusiast and Therapist. She helps people overcome problems of bad sex through therapy. An initiative she  started due to her personal experience over 20 months ago and having counsel over 10 couples and many individuals, she decided to take it up as a job and build it up as a notable Brand in the Sex Therapy industry.

She shares her personal journey and joy of seeing marriages work with me in this inspiring interview.

Childhood Influence

I grew up in a polygamous Home. Last Child of 8. Had my primary education in St. Michaels School Ibadan before i moved to Galaxy Schools for Common Entrance Examination, then proceeded to Our Lady of Apostles Mary way Odo ona for my Secondary Education. Then studied Accounting in the Higher Institutions. Not so close to Dad until Mom passed away in 2006. And growing up i don’t hear much about sex. It’s either about religion or Education. I’m either in Church or School. Most novels i read back in school were mostly about Education. No lovey-dovey, if my steps found me reading anything relating to sex or romance, i might be in troubles. So I stayed off. My Childhood didn’t prepare me for what i am doing right now, I’ll say Marriage did.

Inspiration behind my passion for the Sex Industry

Okay, I’ve been looking for a platform to share this personal experience, it’s about time. Sex Therapy Industry is the last place i thought I’ll found myself. I mean, by age and experience I don’t belong here. But here I’m at. After leaving school I had the opportunity to work in the Media, worked under Mrs Funmi Davies Farodoye on her then program “Wazobia plus” at Mitv. We moved to Ltv 8 in Ikeja to start another program, opportunity came again to work with PR Media on Afrima project in 2016. This was my journey plus my Food Business before i started my job as a Therapist in 2018.

I got married in 2015 and before Marriage Hubby and I lived miles apart. Away from the fact that as a religious person, the said distance caused a big issue for us. We got married and then I got to know i do not have the stamina I should have for Sex, by stamina, I meant urge. Pregnancy came and I couldn’t keep up with sex, was in and out of the hospital for almost all the period and when I finally put to bed it was through CS. I could remember vividly Hubby and I didn’t have sex for solid eight months after my first child, because he was scared I gave birth through CS, we didn’t know better. After this whole thing I realised we had both lost it, when he wanted sex, I don’t want, when I’m horny he’s not in the mood. Sooner than expected he got transfer to another state. That was another sour beginning in our sex life. We’d go month(s) without sex and physical touch. Then one day I talked to a friend about my predicament because i was tired. Then i heard worse, lol. She told me even her own husband that live with her is not touching her as expected that it’s marriage thing, we tend to get tired of ourselves because we see often (See finish syndrome). I knew there was more so i started doing my research and reading online. Then i found help and decided to start helping people with their sex life, because sex is not even the way some of us see it. Beyond the physical thrust and touch, sex is psychological. I started like a joke on my favorite social platform (Facebook) and today by God’s grace it’s become something I’m known for, added to the tutelage I received to prepare me for the journey.

How you can differentiate Love and Lust and how to sight a red flag

Love and Lust looks same but not the same and can never be same. And it will take God’s grace to know if a man truly want you with the intentions of marriage or just want to get laid. A man can pretend to be in love with you for months even years, pretending to be there for you and giving you everything they could afford just to get laid with you and after sex would desert you.

 

Testimonials

In almost two years of doing online and off-line Therapy sessions, I’ve had amazing testimonies. From teaching how to have a good and balanced sex life on Facebook, to having one on one session with couples and intending couples, the testimonies has been massive. One that stood out was this Lady with Female mutilation that sent me a mail this year, after few weeks of Online Therapy she’s doing so well in bed with her partner now. In her words “I’m glad i know you Mo, the World needs more people like you”.

 

Sex is Important to Marriage

Sex is very very very important in marriage. To have and live a good married life your sex life must be the bomb. Know what your partners want, varieties of sex styles, suitable times their body want sex. Keep exploring and compromise. When you’re not in the mood for sex, communicate with your partner. Sex is never too much and should not be too much

Sex as a factor of Divorce and Marriage

Sex carries 60% blames in high rate of separation and divorce in this time. I once had a Therapy session with a couple where the Man threatened to cheat on the wife if she doesn’t up her sex games. And when emotional issues like this comes in, problems abound. I tell Couples that their sex lives depends on both parties, like I said earlier, it’s all about what we both want and how we can reach an agreement. If it takes having a sex timetable to achieve your aim as a couple go ahead and whatever issues you feel you need to sort speak about it and seek professional help. Seek Therapy not Kayamata.

Safe Sex Nuggets

I tell people to discuss their sex history with new partner if the relationship would involve having sex to avoid stories that touch the nerves. Communication is key

°Use condom if you’re having sex with multiple partners to avoid STI’s or deadlier diseases.

°Be aware of your body and that of your partner, look for a sign or sores, blister, rash or discharge.

°Say no to drugs before sex, this might increase the chance that you will partake in high-risk sex.

Being a Woman of Rubies

Helping others find fulfilment in what seems difficult and not achievable is what make me a Woman of Rubies. I’m glad i found this path and I’m walking it.

To women who still don’t see sex as an integral part of marriage

My Final word for women who don’t see sex as an integral part of marriage is try as much as you can and give your best in sex aspect in your marriage. Whatever difficult you’re facing in that aspect, discuss with your partner and you both could find a solution to it. Sex can make or mar your marriage, the decision to hold on lies in our hands and between our thighs.

A sweet story of love that conquers all social boundaries.

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