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Chukwuneta Oby

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CHUKWUNETA OBY: SOBER MOMENTS….

I have had so many sober moments but the most recent one came about a few weeks back while looking after a loved one at a clinic.

Granted that the hospital environment can be quite depressing, I was so unprepared for the sobering moments I experienced there. I saw every imaginable orthopedic/surgical case ranging from broken/disfigured limbs, gunshot wounds to severe burns, etc.

While there, I tried so much to confine myself to the room, as most of the sights were gory, but one could not help running into them every now and then.

It’s so touching to see someone in severe physical and emotional pains, being so calm, looking into their faces, one saw gratitude for being alive, acceptance of “what is” and hope for a new beginning.

My initial reaction was that of fear and dark imaginings, asking myself what I had to do if I were in their shoes, and then followed by an exclamation of “God forbid, not my portion!’’

Then it dawned on me that they probably said more, thus life never announces the misfortunes that can come one’s way, but what is important is how we choose to take it.

This changed my perception of things and I began to see each and every one of them as heroes, not just because they survived what came their way, but more because of the positive attitude with which they carried their crosses.

I began to reach out, remembering them more in my prayers, having a kind and encouraging word plus a ready smile for all that came my way.

Two lives were lost while I was there and the pain of the relatives cannot be described.

While there, I met a very beautiful lady, who survived (though immobilised at the moment) an auto accident that claimed the lives of her husband and their only child. Thus came the end of her three-year-old marriage. I have never ceased to marvel at her strength, much as I know she could be going through a lot emotionally.

Her calmness shames me!

I also met a young lady in her early twenties, a university undergraduate; she was going back to school when the accident happened. Her spinal cord was affected and she is confined to a wheelchair at the moment, she has spent over a year at the hospital.

I will not forget little Samuel, whom we all call “mulanky.” He is a gregarious two-year-old, very cute. Samuel had a name for everything and everyone; one became so fond of him that I felt bad the day he was leaving the clinic. He was there due to a broken limb.

In all, I believe this little “getaway” has once again reminded me how precious life is and how lucky those that are in good health are. It has also reminded me to remember the sick more in my prayers.

I was particularly impressed with the various church groups who found the time to come around, talk to and pray for the sick. That to me is priceless, letting someone know you care enough to make an effort to come visit them in the hospital, even when they are not personally known to you. The psychological benefit (to the sick) cannot be over emphasised.

This taught me that “it’s all in the efforts we make,” and in this sober moments, I have resolved more than ever to be thankful for the blessings of life, however small, to be a blessing to those around me and humanity in general and never take anything(life especially) for granted.

I am learning to live my best life daily because one is only sure of now…the next minute is not guaranteed.

The whole experience really got me thinking…how beautiful and humane it will all be if people begin to send a little something to hospitals of our choice for babies like little Samuel, who had to stay back after they had been discharged…for lack of funds to offset hospital bills. The Samuels of this world will have access to good and prompt medical attention if we all make efforts in that regard.

It’s the least we can do for the little ones in our world. Please look around you, choose a hospital or reputable charity organisation for this purpose.

I must also add that it is not enough to make this commitment, monitor how the funds are being dispensed; make an effort to meet some of the beneficiaries whenever you can. You have learned to appreciate life more and it’s so soul- cleansing to know you helped give a child a chance to stay healthy and alive.

I am currently compiling a list of general hospitals to recommend for charity purposes. If you need suggestions, please contact me via SMS.

God bless your efforts.

 

 

 

Credit: Chukwuneta Oby, Guardian Woman

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CHUKWUNETA OBY: FIGHT FROM YOUR COMFORT ZONE…

A lady’s message to me reads…

“My husband turns my request (for sex) down but would rather use soap on himself in the bathroom. These days, when he is taking so long in the bathroom, I tip-toe to see what he is doing and, most times, my instincts were not wrong…he would be masturbating.

The day that I confronted him, he claimed that it’s a habit he formed as a bachelor. We have been married for nine years and blessed with three daughters.

Another headache in my marriage is the website called Badoo. My husband has a lot of girls that he relates with from that website. The day that I did a little snooping…I ended up feeling sorry for myself. He was negotiating 9k for the night with a girl he was chatting with. I was so bitter that I didn’t cook for him for about one month. There were days that he would not sleep at home and he claimed they were mandated to work all through the night.

When he sees beautiful ladies on television, he would boast that once he becomes very rich, he would go get himself a second wife with flat stomach. I have treated myself of STD several times.

I told his elder sister all that has been going on. She advised that I should sometimes pretend as if I have a boyfriend…to make him realise that I am also good enough for other men. I went to fix my nails, made my hair and even fixed eye-lashes and wore a skimpy skirt and told him that I was going to the shop to fix a customer’s cloth. But I went to a friend’s house to spend the rest of that day, instead.

Apparently he went to check if I went to the shop (because I don’t work on Sundays). When I came back, this man began pummeling me all over. He gave me a black eye. As he hit me, he was saying, “so you want to start doing ashawo from my house? I will disfigure your face very soon, so that not even dogs can look at you.’’

My self-esteem is in tatters. I cry more than I laugh in my home. I don’t know if the best option is for me to go back to my father’s house and start struggling with my widowed mother. I am a dressmaker. My husband is a banker. We are both in our 40s.’’

FROM OBY:
I really think there is everything wrong with the idea of “a pretend infidelity” to arouse a spouse’s jealousy. A lot of these mind games are not necessary in marriage. Because, whatever “gains” thereof is usually superficial and may leave one feeling more hollow.

If I were in your shoes, I will not move an inch from that house…to go “discomfort” myself in the village while he has the house to himself and his Badoo harem. We will simply become “flat-mates” in that house…which is what you guys have been, anyway.

He has to keep paying the bills and stuff. I mind myself and the kids.Since he is the breadwinner, don’t deny him food again but your effort towards him ends there. What is most important is that you NEVER give him the opportunity to raise his hand at you again. Make yourself, your job and your kids your central focus.Stay engrossed in your job. And begin now to build yourself a tidy nest.Stop snooping on him. You should also NOT make yourself a reservoir of STD. You, your kids and mum NEED you healthy!

The next time he makes comments about ladies with flat stomachs…tell him that he can MOVE OUT to fulfill his fantasies.A woman’s body changes after baby-making, but it’s also to your own benefit that you take good care of yourself.
Such efforts boost a woman’s mood and self-esteem. It is easy to rush off in anger but it won’t be easy living from hand to mouth. Don’t be in a haste to rush yourself into DISCOMFORT.

You might as well avail yourself of whatever “usefulness” he portends economically and build yourself up. It’s like acquiring a war chest…for any eventuality.

If you must quit a troubled marriage, do so on your own terms. But for now, fight this battle from your comfort zone. A lot of women who rush out before they are mentally/economically prepared to do so often end up falling into the hands of men who don’t turn out to be any different. Being economically vulnerable will compound your “stress” out there.

Credit: Chukwuneta Oby, guardian.ng
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CHUKWUNETA OBY: THEY ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM….

The lady that reached out to me touched on an issue that I consider ‘crucial’ in the life of woman. A phenomenon that, if unchecked, has rendered countless women emotional wrecks and succeeded in making them a shadow of themselves.
Read our lady, first:

“When I came across a part of your article that says that most women are naturally prone to feeling insecure, especially in relationships, I said to myself, ‘I can relate to this.’

Please, this is me sharing my personal experience and what I consider my weakness with you.

I had a “live-in” child minder that’s almost at the tail end of her teenage years.

She has a habit of moisturising her body after her usual night bath. The funny thing is the fragrance of her body cream is easily perceived all over the house. One cheap cream that I bought for her o!

Do you know that ‘yours sincerely’ also began to use body spray –before going to bed? Something I never used to do…besides my regular perfume that I use, when going out.

My poor husband apparently didn’t care about what was going on. He felt that my latest effort was a signal for “romance mood.” Little did he know that a growing girl’s harmless beauty regimen has made me to start protecting my territory.

I laugh at myself now, but it wasn’t funny then. As the days went by, it would seem like my insecurity around the girl deepened. Especially, after a colleague said: “Is this beautiful girl your house girl?’’

I began to read meanings into every move she made. When she served my husband …I would begin to analyse the motive behind her gesture and scrutinise her body language or the tone of voice she used when interacting with my husband. Even her wears were a problem. Clothes sit well on her, thanks to her physique.

Then came the moment of realisation.

My aunt that brought her came to the house one day, asking if the girl has wronged me in any way. Apparently, the girl wanted my aunt to make me tell her what she has done wrong. So that she could apologise…since she couldn’t think of any.

That encounter opened my eyes to how far I drove a girl that was once like a daughter to me… no thanks to my insecurity. I remember the days I would not leave the house until my husband left first. And I would end up getting to work late.

Why? So they wouldn’t get an opportunity to interact. Is it the times I would deliberately close at a “non-closing hour” and then hang by the door…with my ears tightly pressed to it, in case ‘something’ was happening?

Yet, I should be the first to tell whoever cares to listen that my husband is one-of-a-kind…when it comes to such.

But when INSECURITY sets in…I tossed my convictions about the man that I have known since my teenage years into the garbage. I also remember the look of fright I saw on her face on the day that I raised my voice at her.

The issue at hand didn’t actually warrant that but only me knew that that aggression was brought on by how ‘unattractive’ her young, well-shaped body was making me feel.

I woke up one day and decided that, Blessing (that’s her name) wasn’t my problem. So, I sent her packing…with more than enough money to go enroll in a fashion design academy.

That has always been her passion.

I did apologise for the strange woman that I had become to her. She deserves better. I realised that any other woman out there would still pose a problem (threat) to me, if I didn’t work on myself. I am still a work in progress.

The important thing, however, is recognising that the problem is me, and not necessarily other women!”

FROM OBY…

Yeah, the times are DESPERATE! But sometimes, it’s not about the wiles of other women. Most of us are plagued with acute insecurity. And would still act up even in the most innocent of circumstances.

There are women to whom the only offence a fellow woman can ever commit is being younger, beautiful, famous (this one is a given!) or better dressed.

While to other women, the only thing that qualifies a fellow woman as a “husband snatcher” is her marital status…as a single lady, single mum, divorcee or a widow. Sisters, other women are not your problem!

I mean, with an insecure woman…ANYBODY is a threat! You see, the mind of an insecure person is a fertile ground for unwholesome thoughts. Even a harmless compliment can plant ideas in their head.

Yes, protect your territory but more importantly…attune your mindset.

It could all be in your mind…you know?

Credit: Guardian Woman, Chukwuneta Oby

Photo Credit: google.com

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CHUKWUNETA OBY: VICTIMS OF OUR EMOTIONAL DAMAGE…

Sometimes, all a lady seems to just want is a husband material, the type of man that comes with the right values, etc.

Then, when such a man seems to come her way, she realizes that he is a husband material quite alright, just that he lacks that “swag”, that sexiness, that “fine boy” edge…that excites. And he ends up being roundly abused!

Therefore, a man who has only treated a woman well ends up being paid back with ingratitude. All these and more have simply taught me that some of us are simply victims of our emotional damage. When a man is not mean to them and has not treated them badly… they don’t feel complete. Playboys seem to hold a permanent magnet of sorts on them. A decent guy is not easily appreciated by them.

Even after going through a harrowing experience in the hands of a man that has been mean to her, as soon as she catches her breath…she finds her way back to him-for more experiences.

The proclivity towards bad boys has a strong hold on most women. Yet we all know that it takes stability of (attitude) for a relationship to succeed…anything contrary leaves a trail of heartbreak and tears behind.

There are men that deafen one’s hearing with “wife material requests” but the moment a decent lady comes their way-they get bored faster than fast and begin to yearn for the wild ones. People, to whom “goodness” is lost on, get their kicks from being saddled with unpleasant characters.

One of my friends had been on my neck to help find him a wife.

When it seemed to me he was serious enough, I decided to show him some pictures of a few friends that are still in the singles market.

I didn’t bother asking him too many questions about the qualities he wants in a lady because experience has taught me that some of them can tell you all you want to hear-just to impress and make you conclude they’ve got their heads properly screwed on their shoulders-even when their body language is pointing to the things (freaky in nature) that are left unsaid.

So, I decided to come to my own conclusion by watching him. I observed that CHARACTER was not in the picture (yet) for him and he bluntly confirmed my worst fears by telling me that once he is OKAY with a lady’s looks-he can easily tolerate her character…

Interestingly, his past failed relationships have a similar trend (IN YOUR FACE looks –amongst the ladies), judging from the pictures of his EX (es) that he showed me. My only worry is that he continued to let LOOKS be the sole determinant of his choice of a marriage partner.

I expected him to veer from this norm for once and see if he can get a different outcome. That is my opinion, though!

He has made his choice and I have never stopped praying for the success of that “setting” because my humble neck is seriously at stake here-should anything go awry. I am the one that’s going to receive “you are siding with him/her’’ bullets from both sides, when things get out of hand and one has to intervene.

However, if you find yourself frustrated that all your niceness has not yielded results in your love life, please don’t fall prey to the mentality that you have to give up “being good” to attract someone.

Being less than yourself won’t fulfill you. Also, perish the thought that whom you love should love you back. Actually, no one owes you their affections because you feel you are good. Everyone’s heart is theirs to give at their own discretion and it cannot be demanded.

A friend once said: “Most Nigerian ladies don’t appreciate a good or gentle man because most times 99 per cent of men and women carry the baggage of the last bad relationships to the new one. They already expect the worse even before it happens. Yes, experience is a good teacher, but we stick more to the past and destroy the present and future in our relationships. Another thing is the attitude of “I will get and take what I can immediately first and forget about tomorrow’’. A wise man once told me and I quote “life and happiness is a journey and not a destination.”

But, this concludes it for me: ‘’Nigerians take everything as a destination, our life, our job, our family and love life, all as a destination. The situation in Nigeria has also changed the dynamics of relationships, most guys see women as commodities and women see men as opportunity to get and better their lot. We should look at relationships as a selfless venture for the one we love.’’

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CHUKWUNETA OBY: WHERE HAVE WE GONE WRONG?

One grew up with the notion that certain ailments are more ‘age’ induced than anything else but in the last couple of years, ailments like cardiac arrest, stroke, and others, have killed more young people that I know than the aged folks.

I mean young men in their 40s!

So, when one sees aged folks in their 70s, 80s and even 90s still basking in good health-I am always compelled to ask WHAT IS THE SECRET OF THAT HEALTHY GENERATION?

Yes, I call their generation a healthy one because the advent of science and technology ought to enhance our chances at longevity, but the reverse seems to be the case.

These days…people die young-a direct opposite of what used to obtain in the days of our forebears.

I doubt if there were ailments like cancer, stroke, stress, hypertension, etc in those days and if there were-they were probably not as rampant as what obtains these days…making me suspect that the ‘health woes’ of this generation lies in our lifestyle.

A generation that is supposed to have an enhanced shot at longevity (what with our exposure to science and technology) is experiencing more deaths amongst its young than the supposed Stone Age generation.

In examining the impact of the lifestyle of this generation on our lifespan-we must not fail to look into issues like excessive pursuit of materialism(and its attendant stress),unhealthy consumptions and sexual perversion.

Is it not in this age that we hear of stuffs like anal, two/three-some sex?

I still question the reasoning of people who indulge in such…as if the ‘normal style’ is not risky enough!

I observed a few days retreat at a friend’s house-a few years back…a house that boasts of every modern ‘treats’-inside the fridge…ice cream, cake, chocolates, beverages, but not a single fruit!

In fact, the only cooked food I found in there was a frozen eba. Yet, he would be the first to tell you that he does not ‘swallow’ at night, does not consume red meat-plus other health dos and don’ts that he observes.

I think back to our aged folks in the villages who ‘swallow’ at any time of the day, eat all sorts of meat and still lived to a ripe old age.

Where could we have gone wrong then, if we are still dying young, despite our vast knowledge of modern health dos and don’ts?

A doctor friend once told me that a vast majority of young men (between the ages of 35-50) are impotent…according to some medical findings. And their type of impotence is such that they can’t even fertilise an egg without medical assistance or sustain an erection for more than a few minutes.

Again, one is forced to compare this dampening reality to seniors that are known to still ‘fire down’…even with off-springs, to show for their ‘labour.’

Think of what obtains now with female fertility and compare it to the time of our mothers-whose major headache was how to cater for the numerous brood they seemed to churn out with so much ease.

Their days even seemed to witness less complicated childbirths, despite the non- availability of sophisticated medical procedures.

This is a generation that seems to have it all when one considers how easy science and technology has made our existence…yet it would seem like the older generation had a better quality of life.

Does our modern lifestyle still accommodate communal existence like in the days of our fathers? Any wonder why there’s so much loneliness out there, despite claims of the world now being a global village?

I tell whoever cares to listen that boredom is a modern phenomenon-it never used to exist in the days of old because their setting had what I call THE HUMAN TOUCH-which our generation is losing at an alarming rate.

Science and Technology has inadvertently made us too ‘comfort-zoned’ for our own good. Easy life is what leads to boredom. We don’t go out of our way to do things for and with each other anymore.

These days, infusing the human touch in relationships becomes an inconvenience of sorts.

We send money and ‘technology toys’ to perform acts that require the human touch…why waste time and energy to go visit an ailing loved one when you can just Whatsapp “get well soon.’’

Ever wondered why people have so many friends on the social media but still feel lonely in real life?

Some of us even make more efforts with our ‘virtual relationships’-than we bother with our real-life relationships.

High time we realised that certain things cannot just take the place of the ‘human touch’ in life.

The human touch is what our forebears never joked with and that explains why issues like boredom, loneliness, suicide, depression, etc were alien to them!

 

 

Credit: Chukwuneta Oby, Guardian Woman

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