A lady’s message to me reads…

“My husband turns my request (for sex) down but would rather use soap on himself in the bathroom. These days, when he is taking so long in the bathroom, I tip-toe to see what he is doing and, most times, my instincts were not wrong…he would be masturbating.

The day that I confronted him, he claimed that it’s a habit he formed as a bachelor. We have been married for nine years and blessed with three daughters.

Another headache in my marriage is the website called Badoo. My husband has a lot of girls that he relates with from that website. The day that I did a little snooping…I ended up feeling sorry for myself. He was negotiating 9k for the night with a girl he was chatting with. I was so bitter that I didn’t cook for him for about one month. There were days that he would not sleep at home and he claimed they were mandated to work all through the night.

When he sees beautiful ladies on television, he would boast that once he becomes very rich, he would go get himself a second wife with flat stomach. I have treated myself of STD several times.

I told his elder sister all that has been going on. She advised that I should sometimes pretend as if I have a boyfriend…to make him realise that I am also good enough for other men. I went to fix my nails, made my hair and even fixed eye-lashes and wore a skimpy skirt and told him that I was going to the shop to fix a customer’s cloth. But I went to a friend’s house to spend the rest of that day, instead.

Apparently he went to check if I went to the shop (because I don’t work on Sundays). When I came back, this man began pummeling me all over. He gave me a black eye. As he hit me, he was saying, “so you want to start doing ashawo from my house? I will disfigure your face very soon, so that not even dogs can look at you.’’

My self-esteem is in tatters. I cry more than I laugh in my home. I don’t know if the best option is for me to go back to my father’s house and start struggling with my widowed mother. I am a dressmaker. My husband is a banker. We are both in our 40s.’’

I really think there is everything wrong with the idea of “a pretend infidelity” to arouse a spouse’s jealousy. A lot of these mind games are not necessary in marriage. Because, whatever “gains” thereof is usually superficial and may leave one feeling more hollow.

If I were in your shoes, I will not move an inch from that house…to go “discomfort” myself in the village while he has the house to himself and his Badoo harem. We will simply become “flat-mates” in that house…which is what you guys have been, anyway.

He has to keep paying the bills and stuff. I mind myself and the kids.Since he is the breadwinner, don’t deny him food again but your effort towards him ends there. What is most important is that you NEVER give him the opportunity to raise his hand at you again. Make yourself, your job and your kids your central focus.Stay engrossed in your job. And begin now to build yourself a tidy nest.Stop snooping on him. You should also NOT make yourself a reservoir of STD. You, your kids and mum NEED you healthy!

The next time he makes comments about ladies with flat stomachs…tell him that he can MOVE OUT to fulfill his fantasies.A woman’s body changes after baby-making, but it’s also to your own benefit that you take good care of yourself.
Such efforts boost a woman’s mood and self-esteem. It is easy to rush off in anger but it won’t be easy living from hand to mouth. Don’t be in a haste to rush yourself into DISCOMFORT.

You might as well avail yourself of whatever “usefulness” he portends economically and build yourself up. It’s like acquiring a war chest…for any eventuality.

If you must quit a troubled marriage, do so on your own terms. But for now, fight this battle from your comfort zone. A lot of women who rush out before they are mentally/economically prepared to do so often end up falling into the hands of men who don’t turn out to be any different. Being economically vulnerable will compound your “stress” out there.

Credit: Chukwuneta Oby, guardian.ng

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