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“I DON’T BELIEVE IN LUCK. I BELIEVE YOU MAKE YOUR LUCK” TAIWO AJAI-LYCETT

Veteran actress, Taiwo Ajai-Lycett, was a guest on the first episode of Kemi Adetiba’s Kingwomen Series. Did we love every bit of it? Here are our top 5 quotes from the much inspiring interview.

On confidence

“If you’re good, you don’t need anybody’s approval. That’s the passport to wherever it is you want to go. People would want to know you because it’s your mind that attracts them.”

On ageing

“I’ve accepted every stage of my life the way it comes. Everything that life gives to you, you should use. You shouldn’t worry about your body. The responsibility you owe your body is for it to be fit.”

On charting her own course

“I don’t believe in luck. I believe you make your luck. You create your own path. When you spend your time waiting for somebody to do it for you, you’re wasting time. They have their own lives to lead and live.”

On the need for knowledge

“Knowledge is of the essence. Why do we think we can just get there, not by learning? The greatest evil we have in the world is ignorance.”

On authenticity

“You’ve got to be your authentic self. I am not ashamed of who I am.  The Lord God made us in perfection.  It’s not my job to make anything easy for anybody, but it’s my job to authentic.”

See full video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFlsebU2RtY

Source: Leadingladies Africa

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MOFOLUSADE SONAIKE : MUMPRENEUR TOUR DIARY

Mumpreneur Tour Diary
Day 1: The Jobmag Center, Yaba

The panel for the Kick off session had Mr. Femi Onakanren, a serial entrepreneur, Mrs Maureen Iyasele, Sme coach and Founder The jobmag Center, our hosts of the day and of course your mumpreneur, Mofolusade Sonaike. It turned out to be a great mix of the passionate cheerleaders and the cynic who kept us grounded. Guess who our cynic was? I am not telling. Lol

We kicked off at a few minutes past 10, I was challenged to meet the first mumpreneur already waiting at the Center. The women we met today mainly had challenges with figuring out how to kickstart their new ideas and transition from full time employment to entrepreneurship. As is the case with many of us, our heads run amock with ideas that are all over the place and we often cannot move forward unless we streamline. Here are a few highlights from today’s sessions.

1.      Defining exactly what it is you want to do is critical

As basic as this might sound, it can get complicated and more often than not it does. It requires some brain storming and analysis to be able to drill down to your specific business offering. What is it you are offering to the market? Is it a product or a service? What is this product or service? You also need to keep it as simple and make it as clear as possible.

2.      Build expertise

Before you jump into any business, you need to be informed about what the business entails and get knowledge on the subject matter. How? Get training for instance, get a mentor or volunteer/intern with someone who is already doing what you want to do. Nothing beats experience.

3.      Avoid the trap of over analyzing, get out there and do

By the end of the sessions today, we had named Maureen the “Do-er”, lol! But hey like she kept saying, the taste of the pudding is in the eating. You can build financial models, draw up business plans and put down the best strategy on paper, until you actually get out there and do something, you will never know anything. Running a pilot of your business helps you get clarity.

Mumpreneur Tour Diary
Day 2: Gmoty Fashion Hub, Amuwo Odofin, Mile 2

Today was different, Mr. Kehinde Olagbenjo made a guest appearance for one of the sessions, so mumpreneur was a “lonely Londoner” for the most part of today’s sessions.

Omotola Omesebi, our host and founder of the hub, did a great job of spreading the word in her community, she had seven women waiting back to back to go through the sessions, most of which were either her current students at the fashion training school or past students running their own outfits already. So we has a some women who just didn’t know exactly where or how to start and some others who were looking to expand their market reach or reposition.

Here’s a summary of the top take aways from today;

1.      Be specific and detailed about your target audience

Many times when you ask people who their target audience is, they generalize and say things like – Women, Children, low to medium income earners (whatever this means, lol) etc. I got a lot of that today and helped these mumpreneurs realize the need to drill further to a more specific audience.  When I think about it, it’s a bit of wishful thinking to want to target all the women in Nigeria for instance with limited resources as a startup in the fashion industry. Serving your immediate community is hard enough, and if you can do that and do it well, you are more likely to have a business as opposed to trying to reach a  market, you do not have the resources to cater to.

One quote that I saw recently put it this way, when you try to talk to everybody, you end up talking to nobody. When your message is clearly targeted at a specific audience, your marketing efforts will almost always hit the target. For instance, a fashion designer who targets strictly plus sized women, is more likely to stand out and attract her target audience than a fashion designer who does every and anybody. Point is, to drill down to specifics, so much so that your ideal customer or target is a person you can visualize.

2.      A strong online presence is important

One of the participants lamented that she has had challenges attracting premium customers that can pay for the quality she offers. To her mind, she had identified her location as the reason for this and was considering relocating her store front to the island. While location can influence the cadre of clients you attract, social media and online mareting have removed such limitations and given businesses access to new markets without breaking the bank.

To buttress this, I gave her examples of businesses doing very well operating strictly online. Your positioning online is important and can send a message of either a premium or an inexpensive brand. There has to be a deliberate and consistent effort which is evident in your visual elements, the type of pictures you post (pictures are everything! I tell you), the way you communicate, your affiliations and mentions amongst other things. There’s a lot more to this, but this is just a summary and I am keeping it simple.

3.      Get a handle of your finances

Many of the women I spoke to today listed finance as one of their top challenges. I asked them to assume I was an investor looking to invest in them and then asked them to tell me precisely how much they needed and what they needed this amount for, I spared them the complexity of telling me what that investment would yield if they got it (not that, it isn’t important).

Let’s just say, all of them left convinced that finance was the least of their problems, Lol! I will be getting a lot of assignments turned in next week and we will take it from there.

If you have a business idea, don’t be scared to put pen on paper or hands on keyboard as the case may be to create your road map, set targets and timelines. A business model canvas is a great tool to get you started.

I must sleep now, we have Gbagada to tackle tomorrow. Let’s see what that locations holds.

Pictures from Day 2

Mumpreneur Tour Diary
Day 3: Jenniez School Of African Interior Design, Gbagada

When I was setting dates for the tour, I totally forgot today would be good Friday, a holiday. It’s funny because when in my banking days, I knew every single holiday on the calendar through the year, because I always just couldn’t wait. Lol. Anyways, I was a bit apprehensive today, wondering if the women who signed up for this location would show. If there’s anyting I have learnt in my entrepreneurship journey however, it is the determination to get up, dress up and show up, consistently even when I don’t feel like it. That’s what I did and yaaay, they showed.

I must appreciate my Brand Manager and Camera crew, they have been even more committed to this than I have been. Always ready to go. You guys rock!

My first participant was someone who only heard about the tour in passing a few days ago. She did mention that she was going to come, but I wasn’t sure she would, afterall it was a holiday. Alas, just as I got to the location and we started setting up, she walked in. Talk about someone who really wants to change her game! Go mama!.

Here’s a summary of the top take aways from today;

1.      Yes you are multi talented, but it’s more effective to Streamline

I don’t know if this is just my observation, but when you ask a Nigerian woman what she does, they always start with a sigh… like hmm, where do I start? Lol. This is because most times, they do myriads of different things, sometimes even totally unrelated. One of the women I met with, has a catering side hustle and runs a fashion outfit.

While it is good that we are oh so gifted and can multitask, streamlining and focusing on doing one thing and perfecting it is a key to success. Running a business that is properly structured requires a lot of work, work that is attractive and a lot that is un-attractive. To get the best results, I always suggest building and setting up one business at a time.

2.      Be clear on your business offering and communicate this clearly

Don’t confuse your potential clients. If you can’t communicate what your business offering in a simple sentence, it’s probably too complicated and needs to be simplified. Your business must have a core purpose i.e. the problem it was set up to solve. You can then define the services that business will offer in a clear and concise way.

What problem are you set up to solve? Henry Ford wanted to democratize the automobile – make it available to everyone. Bill Gates wanted to put the PC inside every home in America. Steve jobs wanted to put the powerful computer inside a phone – make it very easy to use.

3.      Don’t Operate Blind – Document your plan

I am sure you might be looking at this and wondering, this goes without saying, but hey from what I have seen, a good number of us have that phobia for sitting down and documenting our plans before we launch. I have also observed that this is so because we have this grandiose ideas about what a business plan should look like. Maybe some high level 50 page document with financial projections and models. Lol!

A business plan simply put is just your road map, unless you are applying for a grant or a bank loan, it doesn’t need to be overly complicated. It is meant to make you think about how you want to get from point A to point B. How much do you want to make this year? How many clients do you need to get you to that target sum? What are the things you need to put in place to serve that number of clients effectively? How much will it cost you to acquire and serve those clients. It can be that simple. You can break this down into monthly goals and objectives or even weekly, whatever works for you.

I enjoyed chatting with all these different women this week. Special thanks to Maureen Iyasele of the Jobmag center, yaba, Omotola Omosebi of Gmoty Fashion hub, Amuwo Odofin and Jennifer Chukwujekwe of Jenniez School Of African Interior Design, Gbagada. Next week we tour Ikeja, Ikoyi and Lekki. You can still register if you haven’t .


 

Mumpreneur Tour Diary
Day 4: The Plectrum Hub, Ikeja

We took Monday off to join Bellafricana in celebrating African creatives. It was a successful event that pulled together veterans in the Nigerian entrepreneurship space as well as the new much younger businesses all doing innovative things.

The tour kicked off anniversary activities at the Plectrum Hub. The Hub was launched fully in April last year and is celebrating the one-year mark with different activities all week long. The sessions held in Ikeja were quite interesting and as usual I will share the highlights here.

1.      Don’t get fixated on a particular element of your plan, be flexible in your approach

I have been down this road before. When I started my first business, I had this big picture of a super ecommerce website that would do all sorts of things. I wasn’t ready to move on till I had it exactly the way I wanted it. Even the designer I engaged advised me to start off with Facebook pages first but I wasn’t having it. So there I was not moving forward because I felt stuck. We went from design to design. I kept putting everything off till after the website.

When my first participant started to mention a particular concept she had hinged on getting a shop in a particular location, I immediately remembered that. She kept saying I have this plan once I get the space, I will do that once I get the space. Now it is good to know what you want and go for it, by all means. It becomes a problem however when it holds you hostage and you put everything else on hold because of it.

Guess what, I got my website eventually, but I never sold one single thing through that website because while I was so fixated on the website and it’s look and feel, I totally left out the important part, selling! It was beautiful, just as I pictured, but it didn’t convert.

Have a plan by all means, but don’t be fixated on one particular path. There are many ways to kill a cat. Keep your mind open.

2.      Life is in stages, Understand your reality and work around it

This is specifically for mumpreneurs. Most of the women I have spoken to during the course of this tour struggle with juggling raising toddlers (especially between the ages of 1 and 6) and running their business. One of them who bakes cakes, said she has to ensure all cakes for the day are out of the oven by 3p.m at the latest so she can do school run. Of course once the children are back with her, all major work comes to a halt pretty much.

I know many other mumpreneurs can relate to this. My boys are a bit older now and so it is less crazy for me, but I passed through this phase when I felt my productivity was at its lowest because I had toddlers to nurture. My advise to most of them is summarized below.

This is your reality; accept it. Put yourself on a routine, planning around the children. If you are in business for the long haul, know that the business is not going anywhere, especially if you take the needed time to set up a structure and document your systems and processes, such that any other person can execute.
Your Children on the other hand will grow up and move on some day, so enjoy this period with them, and do your part to instill the right values in them. Secondly, don’t hesitate to ask for help. The second mumprener I spoke to said she gets help from her Mum and her sisters when she is overwhelmed. They mind the children temporarily when she needs to attend to other things.

All in all, it’s a phase that will pass. Plan and take one day at a time.

I realize that each time I speak to these mumpreneurs, the learning is both ways. I always come away with something myself. Tomorrow we go to Ikoyi.

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SIJU YUSUF : FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION (FGM)

It was a Saturday morning, Tara had just finished her chores and had gone to use the bathroom as is customary.

Saturday’s were for catching up on hygiene and general body image. Today was no exception. She was midway through her routine weekly pubic hair removal when her sister, Feyisara pushed her way into the bathroom.

The 3 Bedroom Flat they lived had just one bathroom and a toilet, meaning, everyone went about their ‘business’ with the consciousness that someone might be waiting.

Tara was taking too long and Feyisara had pushed the door open to get in. The nail behind the door that functioned as the lock gave way too quickly.

“Open your legs wider” Feyisara said with a very puzzled look on her face.

Feyisara is 5 years older than Tara and had just secured admission into the university. She was the big sister Tara looked up to though she had 4 others.

Frightened at the bewildered look on her sister’s face, Tara opened her legs wider before asking “What? Kini? I am using a shaving stick now, not blade. Is there a cut?”

“No, no cut. Just that your ‘thing’ looks funny’

Tara then spread her legs wider, bent down to inspect her pubic area, more critically for the first time.

“Hurry up, we need to show mummy”.
***
“Oya, laaa, spread your legs, spread it wide”, Mrs Lawal commanded, adjusting her glasses which seemed to be permanently falling off her nose.

“Hmm, Okay, don’t worry. It’s okay”.

Tara stood up from their Mothers bed, pulling her pant and hastily adjusting her skirt as if the whole essence had not just gone through scrutiny.

She didn’t realize the weight of that inspection until Mrs Lawal stopped at the family Doctor’s office on their way from the market later in the day.

Two elderly doctors with gloves in hand, had gathered and were now looking into her, flipping her labia from side to side as if she was some specimen.
Some minutes of medical jargons passed and finally, they were ushered back to the Doctors office.
The family Doctor then asked Mrs Lawal if she wanted their practice to be reported to WHO.

WHO? That acronym sounds very familiar isn’t that World Health Organization? It definitely is.

“Mrs Lawal, cutting the labia means circumcising your daughter and in this day and age, Doctors get reported for doing that”.

Bam! Now she understands. It is all making sense now. The friction she thought her vagina sometimes made with her Jean trouser through her pants that caused slight discomfort is her longer-than-normal Labia Minora. Any attempt at shortening the length is generally referred to as genital mutilation since there was relatively no health implications.
The ‘reporting to WHO’ part may have been exaggerated but she just escaped CIRCUMCISION at 16 years old!
Wow, very close shave.

True Life Story As Shared By Tara Lawal (pseudo name)

**********************************

What is Female Genital Mutilation (FGM)?

The partial or complete removal of the external female genital organs for non-medical reasons.
Such organs include; clitoral hood and clitoral glans, inner labia, inner and outer labia, closure of vulva also known as infibulation (Type 3).

The practice, commonly found in Africa, Asia and the Middle East is an attempt to control female/women sexuality. Aside its deep roots in gender inequality, this practice also has numerous health effects; keloid scar formation, cysts formation and abscesses, hemorrhage and infections, fatal bleeding, urinary incontinence, painful sexual intercourse, hypersensitivity of the genital area, difficulty in childbirth and so on.

In Type 3 FGM, there are reported cases of complete vaginal obstruction resulting in the accumulation of menstrual blood in the vagina and uterus. It creates a physical barrier to sexual intercourse and childbirths. Some women have had to endure the psychological trauma and painful experience associated with having their vulvas surgically opened before they got intimate with partners.

Studies have shown that there is an increased risk of Caesarian section, episiotomy, post partum hemorrhage with women who have undergone Type 3  FGM.

Till date, there is no reported health benefit to FGM.

The Continents that are most notorious for this practice are now well informed about the issues and health effects. Most have outlawed it however, enforcing these laws is a major challenge in completely eradicating this process of ridiculing the women folk.

Kudos to every individual and organization tirelessly working to stop FGM.

#saynotofemalegenitalmutilation
#WHO
#UNFPA
#UNICEF
#forwarduk

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MEET ADENRELE SONARIWO, THE LADY WHO  QUIT HER AUDITING JOB TO LAUNCH AN ART GALLERY

While the brilliant Adenrele Sonariwo was an auditor at one of the world’s top accounting firms, PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC), she discovered her love for art – a love she found while looking for an outlet for self-expression outside of work.

This passion for the arts led her to quit her enviable job and start the Rele Gallery: a cultural and contemporary art space that offers art for public consumption and at the same time, nurtures the creators of the art – bringing their work to the attention of a larger, global audience.

 

Since Rele’s launch over two years ago, Adenrele has organized various programs – from book readings to exhibitions – that have attracted talents like Victor Ehikhamenor and Kelechi Amadi-Obi.

Adenrele also has a passion for young artists which led her to create Young Contemporary. The annual project finds five artists working with various mediums, showcases their work and gets corporate brands to sponsor.

In 2011, Adenrele tried to start the first solely Arts university in Nigeria, The Modern Day School of the Arts, and although that didn’t work out, it’s still something she plans to do in the future – and we are definitely rooting for her.

You can keep up with the Rele gallery on Instagram and their website.

Source: Konbini.com

 

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“I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR” RESCUED CHIBOK SCHOOL GIRLS RESUME CLASSES, SHARE THEIR DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS

In a documentary released by the Presidency, some of the abducted school girls who were rescued by a team of soldiers last year, shared on their dreams and aspirations. The girls who looked better than before, said they have all started classes again. One of them said she loves Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics and English Language and that she hopes to become a doctor someday. Watch a clip from the documentary after the cut.

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I STARTED MY BUSINESS WITH N10, 000 – IDONGESIT HARRISON UMOH, CEO OF IDONG HARRIE LIMITED

Idongesit Harrison Umoh is the owner and CEO of Idong Harrie Limited, a footwear and accessory manufacturing and retailing company based in Lagos that specializes in handmade shoes, slippers, sandals, wallets, handbags and all manner of small leather accessories. In this interview with TOBI AWODIPE, she reveals how she started out with pocket money, the challenges she faces in a male-dominated industry and how women are refusing to take advantage of business opportunities around them.

When did you decide to go into entrepreneurship and did you always think this is what you would do?
I would say I stumbled into this because growing up, I wanted to become a lawyer but I later changed my mind to become an economist. But then along the line, I found out that I could make shoes and turned out to be something I enjoyed doing. It started out as a hobby and I was just thrilled that I could create something with my own hands and I took it from there.

 Starting out?
I started this as a hobby in 2005, I was in my second year in the university then and I was sitting and thinking about my life. My eyes fell on a pair of slippers someone had given my mum, it was a beaded slippers and something in me, which I believe now to be the Holy Spirit, told me, ‘Idong you can create this slippers’. I took the slippers and checked how it was made then took it to Tejuosho market and to my surprise; all the materials were there. I immediately bought all the materials needed to make the upper part of the slippers and I took it home and started trying to re-create the original slippers. Amazingly, I got it and this gave me joy but there was a problem – I could create the upper part but not the bottom. As fate would have it, there was this cobbler that had a shop opposite my house and took the slippers to him asking if he could make the bottom part and he did. However the first day I wore the slippers, which also happened to be a rainy day, I hadn’t moved 10 steps from my house when the slippers cut and all the beads scattered. I had to walk with one slipper back home but from then on; I decided I was going to make my slippers myself, with special focus on the materials being used. I went back to ask him where he got his materials from and he said from Mushin market. When I got to the market, I stood out because bearing in mind that this was in 2005 and most women hadn’t really fully gotten into the footwear industry. However, I met a God-sent fellow shoe-maker who showed me some of his works, and which turned out to be things I wanted to make. Seeing my enthusiasm, he offered to train me on how to make the bottom part properly and on the use of leather. I under-studied him for a month and at the end, I became proficient and started selling footwear I made myself to my friends in school.

 Raising the needed capital?
Believe it or not, I started this business with N10, 000- pocket money given to me by my father that I had been saving. Out of this money, I used N7, 000 to buy a sewing machine (as at then, you could get a fairly-used Butterfly sewing machine for this amount) and the remaining N3, 000, I spent on materials. I won’t even call it a business then because I just knew I could make slippers for petty sales and didn’t take it too serious. After I finished my service year, I was opportuned to work with Nokia where they paid me N70, 000. I was blown away with this ‘big money’ and I grabbed the opportunity with both hands and pushed my shoe-making dreams to a corner. But I knew that I would always still go back to making footwear, which I eventually did.

Business Moments
There have been so many moments, in fact, I still faced one yesterday. But top of the list has to be getting negative feedbacks from customers. However, this happened mostly when I was starting out compared to now that I am an expert (laughing). Another problem I have is with my workers.

Challenges
Getting people to recognize and believe in my brand. When I started, I was mainly making men’s products and a lot of men didn’t believe in what I was doing and asked why I woke up one morning and decided to make men’s shoes. This was long before this ‘Buy Nigeria To Grow The Naira’, so it was like me introducing something new to them and trying to convince them to buy my products. Another great challenge is getting adequate raw materials. For example, I might make a pair of shoes with a particular shade of blue and it is on my website, but by the time a customer wants to order for it and I go to the market, I wouldn’t see that shade again and then I have to start apologizing and explaining to the customer, which doesn’t look too good.

Highpoints
One day I went for a meeting and I saw three people wearing my products in the room. The fact that people still order and buy my products daily, this means they believe in what I’m doing, in the brand. When customers refer others to me, it gives me immense joy. I have customers that have been buying from me steadily since 2013 and they’re still buying till now.

Achieving goals?
Well, if it is my set out goal in the last one year, I would say yes but I have long-term goals, which are yet to materialize but I would say I have achieved my short-term goals.

Women and Entrepreneeurship
I would say yes and no. Yes, because a lot of women are now business owners. I mean, look at make up artists, they’re now beating fashion designers clearly. No, because when it comes to business competitions, seminars, putting themselves out there and applying for proper help and loans to boost their businesses, men have this cornered hands down. Despite the myriad opportunities out there, women aren’t taking advantage at all. They come crying to me about their businesses and when I direct them to places that can help, they would refuse. I was a Tony Elumelu Foundation recipient and the percentage of women to men was about 21:79, not even up to a quarter and this is how it is for every single business opportunity.

Why do you think this is so?
I would say laziness and many of them don’t believe in themselves. Judges ask some women questions about their businesses, which should be at the tip of their fingers, and to answer becomes a problem. Basic questions like ‘who are your competitors, what is your unique selling point?’ most of them claim they don’t have time to answer these questions. Some of them refuse to participate in pitching competitions, claiming they are shy but they don’t know nobody can know your business better than you, the owner.

Government support for SMES
Yes and No. Yes, they are beginning to make small efforts. Look at what Lagos State is doing, creating schemes where small businesses can apply for grants, loans and trainings in their different industries. Lagos is offering small businesses loans at an extremely low interest rate. This is a major opportunity small businesses can benefit from. No also because they have refused to provide basic infrastructure that can help us grow such as electricity, water, and the likes.

Coping with Recession
For me, it’s been a mixture of bad and good. Bad, because most of our raw materials are imported. I went to Kano in January to see about buying leather in large quantities and though I partnered with a few sellers, I can tell you the difference in price between the local and imported is very marginal. Personally, I would rather buy the imported ones because it offers varieties and proximity. It has been good because it has enabled a lot of people look inwards, buying locally made shoes instead of importing because of the forex difference. It has really boosted sales for us, I must confess.

What keeps you going?
Customers that patronize me daily, no day passes that I don’t have several orders. My staff also: they’re dependent on me for their daily bread and they have families that are dependent on them as well. This makes me jump out of bed every morning. Also, I’m building something that is made in Nigeria and we are putting Nigeria on the global map.

Advice  to budding Entrepreneurs
Perseverance and persistency. Consistency is important. Entrepreneurship is not all sunshine and roses: you may be depressed, be left with nothing in your account and you would want to quit severally. Every entrepreneur goes through these phases, just keep improving and staying true to yourself. However, just start; there is no better time than the present. Your morning is when you wake up and it’s never too late to start working on your dream.

Source: Guardian

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KEMI AMUSHAN : AVOID TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

I am sure most of you have heard this saying before…“If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” Most times, I promise you that its bullshit. Dating is hard enough without having to dodge to avoid people who are so bad, they seem like they come directly from a fantasy movie. It’s easy to think that it can’t happen to you. This problem is much more common than one would think, really. The way that a con artist manipulates his or her way into your life and lays it down to ruin your life is incredibly shame inducing, honestly and that’s why it’s easy to wonder why you didn’t catch it sooner or wish you had done something differently. The kind of attachment that these people create in the first few months of knowing them is strong and intoxicating, so much so that kind-hearted, empathetic people are often quick for manipulation.

For this reason, many people who have crossed paths with one of these nasty characters never tell their stories. If they do, they are used to not being believed. After all, no one wants to think that their charming new flame is in fact a sociopath or narcissist.

Unfortunately, I too have had my fair share of these types of men. One of my ex-boyfriends lied about every single detail he ever told me about himself. Recently, one of my old friends got angry at me that I would not help him lie to a new catch of his about his having three small children he had abandoned in the UK. Trust me, I blocked him instantly. Such a wicked and irresponsible man. He began bad mouthing me to our mutual friends that those ones started to believe that I had a personal vendetta against him, not that he had lied about anything or was capable of doing anything wrong.

But unfortunately for him, His new flame was smart to run like hell after finding out that not only did he lie about having kids, but also a whole host of other personal details. After she found a picture of him and his family on a mutual friends page on Facebook, he told us that she was psycho to be looking so heavily into his personal details. He also explained to our mutual friends that his crazy ex-wife had “forced” him to marry her, knowing he clearly wasn’t the father of the three kids, cruelly making him the fall guy. Can you imagine?

After hearing lots of other people’s stories about their experiences with sociopaths and con artists, I realize that so far I have gotten off really easily. Even if you have already had the unfortunate experience of a run-in with a sociopath, that doesn’t mean it will not happen again or that there will actually be any warning signs next time. But you have to know what they are all about…being able to sight their bullshit way across before they get to you.

I am sure you know that being a sociopath is a personality disorder. If you didn’t know, now you do. How do you know one? Impulsivity, lack of responsibility, lack of guilt, poor impulse control, lack of empathy, inability to form meaningful relationships, continued antisocial behavior, lack of behavior change after punishment, and strong emotional immaturity and so on. On the surface, the sociopath appears charming, accomplished, and worldly. So you need to watch closely. See beyond the surface.

With the type of traits I listed above earlier, that’s just one of a few. These types of people are usually so arrogant that they believe the rest of humanity is weak since they can be manipulated with their emotions.

I dated a narcissist once and oh my god, I wanted to pull my hair out when I got pushed to the wall. Like sociopaths, narcissists are also hard people to have relationships with. All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

Narcissists also have an overly grandiose sense of self-worth and a lack of empathy for others. They are arrogant, manipulative, need admiration from others, and are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love. They often maintain longer relationships than sociopaths even though their relationships can be just as twisted. Narcissists are not as likely to get as violent as sociopaths, but they can dish out emotional abuse just fine. They are considered less likely to be as sadistic as sociopaths.

The bottom line is that you don’t want a relationship with a narcissist either, and their relationships often follow the same relationship phases as a pairing with a sociopath.

Please run, run like hell if you start seeing these traits in the person you are dating. They never change, they only get worse. Trust me, I’m talking from three failed relationships with a narcissist. I took off early because I knew my worth and I could never allow such a person to bring me down…because that’s all they do. Choose wisely.

To our happiness. Cheers.

Source: Guardian

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JUMOKE ADENOWO: CAN A WOMAN HAVE IT ALL?

JUMOKE ADENOWO: CAN A WOMAN HAVE IT ALL?

I can’t promise to answer the question for everyone but perhaps a few women (and men) may be interested in my attempt. Whenever I hear “can a woman have it all?” the inherent male chauvinism in that statement hits me again. Why doesn’t anyone ask if a MAN can have it all? It’s actually a no- brainer. No one ever has it all; all resources, power, money. The laws of physics, economics and time-space dynamics make it impossible.

This means women (and men) should clarify their purpose first and determine what is most important to them in life.

 

What do you want to be remembered for? Don’t judge yourself, just answer sincerely. At the end of your journey do you want your obituary to read “she was a good mother to her children” and just that? This for some women is more than enough! And power women don’t judge them. They may be mothering the next messiah, so being a good mother is enough!

Would you rather some elements of your impact outside the immediate family reflects in your eulogy? This exercise brings clarity. Whatever you want to appear in your eulogy, you must begin to pay the price for now.

 

The debate about women about the role of women in the family and society being confined to child care only is a fall out of the industrial revolution when for the first-time machines were invented and the heavy machinery needed physical strength to operate in sooty, hazardous working conditions. Men were more suited to this physical work and it fell to the women, who without a doubt are the primary nurturers of children, to take care of the children.

Prior to this time, even from the Stone Age, even to our own pre-mechanized agrarian societies, all the family was involved in the family’s business. They all went to the farm together, with nursing mothers strapping their babies tightly to their backs, their baskets of produce balanced on their heads and their cutlasses and hoes tucked into the baskets. Stone Age cave men and women would find our debate ludicrous.

 

I need to clarify that my definition of work in this context is a woman pursuing her passion, and deploying her innate gifts and talents in the service of humanity for financial profit. I don’t refer to drudgery or grudging labour just for the money.

I also believe that in an ideal situation, the woman should be able to choose when to work – according to the seasons of her life.

 

If a woman is the designated primary care giver by reason of her physiology (that is she is endowed by her Creator with the equipment to bear and nurture children,) then it should follow also by this line of thought that all get God given “equipment” was created for a deployment. That means her brain is meant to be put to use, as are her inherent talents and abilities!

 

I notice that exams are not typically divided into male and female papers?

Do girls write a female JAMB while guys write the male version?

If educationists, then agree that men and women must be evaluated by the same yardstick and educated without discrimination why then would anyone think that the woman’s PhD in thermodynamic physics is best deployed in determining the temperature of eba and Ogbono soup? While the man’s own degree is best deployed in developing aerospace programs?

 

Growing up, no one told me I could not; so, by the time the women who should have encouraged Awesome Treasures tried to stop it, it was too late! I say this with all humility and an appreciation of the grace and gift of God in me I just do what I know to do…

 

we can’t seriously be saying that over 50% of the human race are condemned to living below potential and never being fulfilled? Are we saying womanhood is perpetually denied the right to pursue happiness?

 

Here’s a quote from the 1776 American Constitution: “We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable, that all men were created equal and independent, that from that equal creation derive rights inherent and inalienable which are the preservation of life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness”

 

There are some MYTHS which hold women bound and subconsciously dissuade them from fulfilling potential:

 

Myth 1: Children suffer because of other care givers.

US – National institute of child health and development in a study on exclusive maternal care vs children of working women discovered that children of working women do not differ from those of stay at home women in cognitive skills, emotional development, ability to build and maintain relationships and (this is the real unspoken fear for most women)

Myth 2: The MOTHER CHILD BOND is affected.

There is no reason for mothers to believe they are harming their children by choosing to work.

According to the UK journal of epidemiology and community health in a study of 11000 UK families, researching the effect of maternal employment and socio- emotional behaviour, children fare better socio-emotionally, especially the daughters when the mothers work.

An interesting fact is that stay-at-home women spend more time with children now than in the past. 11 hours a week on primary child care in 1975 to 17 hours now. The difference which the researchers found is that now we have more insensitive parenting. This is rapidly creating a weak, dependent and entitled generation.

There are other advantages to women working, when a mother works child care is shared between bother parents to an extent.

Fathers are more involved in parenting and they raise more confident daughters with balanced attitudes to men, and dare I say heterosexual males.

 

Professor Rosalind. Chair of Brandeis University says the effect on the woman is tangible as she has lower levels of anxiety if allowed to pursue her passion.

There is also a marked positive impact on her mental wellbeing, increased financial security leading to a more stable marriage (this assumes she is married to a secure man I guess).

This leads to better health (but I must confess though, that this study was not done in Lagos taking into account the traffic) It’s no surprise that the study surmised that in general increased life satisfaction was the outcome.

Personally, from 1999 to date dealing with thousands of women in Awesome Treasures Foundation and empowering them mentally and in terms of skills to engage in economic activities, without a doubt I have seen the positive life changing effects of a woman being productive in a space beyond her nuclear family.

My ladies have testified to a new-found respect from their husbands. I have seen a drastic decrease in resentment and envy of other women drastic reduction in ulcers, and PhD (Pull her down) syndrome!

Finally, I believe you can’t give what you don’t have – an unfulfilled mother cannot raise fulfilled children. She can’t raise balanced and well-rounded children who are able to take our continent out of the morass and the vacuum of leadership it is in. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. You can’t teach what you don’t know.

A note of caution though, there are conditions, if a woman sets out to fulfil all her potential. It takes wisdom.

First get your priorities right. We are relationship entered. There is no point losing your marriage if you have married a man who has made it a deal breaker in your marriage. You may have to wisely look for other avenues of expressing your gift. Perhaps not a 9-5 job. Perhaps you can work from home? We are women we are resourceful. I am sure you will come up with something.

We must be sensitive to seasons.

A tree has that much sense Hilary Clinton couldn’t have run for President while she was nursing Chelsea. A woman’s season differs from a man’s. It’s not either or; it may be one at a time.

 

Marry right; if you must marry, marry someone who believes in YOU. Your gifts and talents, your vision and your future. Don’t marry because the guy has a fine car or is rich or whatever other ephemeral reason people choose spouses for these days.

Marry someone who respects your intrinsic worth! Be prepared for marriage it’s not by force, girls don’t marry boys, mature men marry mature women. It takes wisdom to stay married and have it all you can be a lioness at work but when you get home metamorphose into a kitten. Why? There can be only one head in a marriage and I may be old school, but the man is that head and must at least feel he is the head no matter what rough patch he is going through. A double-headed creature is rightly called a monster.

Heterosexual men don’t marry men; don’t be a man, it’s not a competition. We are different but EQUAL, stay feminine, stay different.

You will need to recruit right.

Get the right team at home and at work. Get the right help all round (including domestic help) and treat them right. They are there to free you to be all you can be, they are your partners in progress if they are good partners, reward them accordingly, don’t be selfish.

Be very careful to follow your passion do what you love because it’s hard work.

Note, you can’t love what you are doing all the time. You must sometimes get through some serious boring, tough grunt work just to reach your goal of engaging your passion. Stick at it, it’s all part of the journey.

Running your own business may be a viable option for some women with children, flexible hours are key and this option while challenging and not risk free does offer some latitude in structuring your time though I must warn ahead – there are no closing hours.

 

My generation seems to have lacked women to mentor us in business, those coming some 6-8 years behind are luckier. I have a theory about that, but I won’t share it today. May I be bold enough to ask that women who are now in positions of influence should make life easier for those coming behind. You know what you suffered, instead of ensuring others coming behind have as rough a ride as you did, why not be a mother and not a rival?

You know you needed on site crèches at work, push for that for your nursing mothers. Remember what you suffered and determine that the younger ones will not suffer the way you did.

 

Don’t roll away the ladder after you have climbed it, please Big Sis – let others to climb up.

 

If you find help where you expect or not, Sisters, determine to be all you can be. Pursue your dreams, you owe it to yourself. You owe it to your children, you owe it to your country and you owe it your creator.

 

These words from Marianne Williamson best sum it up.

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

 

About Jumoke Adenowo

Olajumoke Adenowo is a practising Architect and the Principal Partner of AD Consulting, she is the Founder and Coordinator of Awesome Treasures Foundation – a faith based NGO which raises Transformational Leaders. She is an author of several books (including The Mothers’ Prayer Manual) and the host of Voice of Change on radio. She speaks at entrepreneurial conferences (such as the Harvard Business School’s African Business Club Conference), and several faith based summits and she also serves on the board of several business concerns and social initiatives. She is married to Olukorede and they are blessed with 2 lovely sons.

 

 

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“SUCCESS IS HELPING SOMEONE WHO CAN NEVER PAY YOU BACK” – ESTHER IJEWERE

Esther Ijewere is an enterprising social activist, youth advocate, Columnist, author, mother of two and the Executive Director of Rubies Ink Initiative- a social enterprise outfit devoted to youth advocacy, public relations and social enterprise solutions among others. An Olabisi Onabanjo University-trained Sociologist, as a social advocate, she is the brain behind W.A.R- Walk Against Rape, an advocacy initiative created to lend a voice for the victims of rape and demand justice for the perpetrator’s, an initiative endorsed by the Lagos State Ministry Of Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation. She is also a columnist with The Guardian newspaper with her page Women of Rubies, a platform used to celebrate exceptional women with inspiring stories. The page is a sequel to her award-winning blog www.womenofrubies.com, which is fast becoming the one stop blog for the everyday woman. In this interview with NIKE SOTADE, she talks about the strides she has made in her passion to fight against rape in the society

Tell us about yourself, education, growing up etc.
I am Esther Ijewere, the Founder of Rubies Ink Initiative for Women and Children, Convener of the Walk Against Rape Campaign and also, Editor-In-Chief of Women of Rubies, a blog aimed at celebrating exceptional women with inspiring stories. I sit on the board of The African Development Imperative (TADI) and also, a fellow with Hillary Clinton’s founded Vital Voices Global Leadership. I have been into advocacy and development work since 2010. I am the recipient of many awards – notable among them are the ‘Wise Woman in Media Award’ I received last year and my recent recognition as one of the ‘100 Most Inspiring Women in Nigeria’ by Leading Ladies Africa. I had my Primary and Secondary education in Lagos and graduated from the Olabisi Onabanjo University with a BSc in Sociology and Diploma in Marketing. I am also a certified ‘On Air Personality’ but that’s one of the many caps I am yet to explore. I believe in learning and acquiring knowledge as much as one can in any field of interest – if you can think it, then you can do it.

Any experiences in life that propelled you into sexual violence or anti-rape advocacy? You’re a mother of two girls, are they your inspiration too?
At the time I started the anti-rape campaign, I realised a lot of people were scared of reporting cases of rape out of fear of being stigmatised and judged. The number of reported cases was very low. This propelled me to start the sensitization awareness and lend my voice while complementing the work of the Government in curbing rape and other forms of sexual violence. Being a mother of two girls also deepened my passion for the cause, as I can’t imagine any of them having to go through such ordeal in life.

You’ve been working with government agencies in what capacity? Do you think Lagos State government is doing enough in its anti-rape campaign?
I have been working with the Lagos State Government through its Ministry of Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation since 2010; we partner with them annually to organise our Walk Against Rape Campaign and also refer cases of rape and domestic abuse to them, while we follow it up to a justifiable end. As such, I’d emphatically say that Lagos State is the only State that has shown the most concern on issues that affect women, particularly rape. The Governor, for example, has a zero tolerance policy for all forms of violence against women, and he works hand in hand with the necessary government agencies to make sure offenders are prosecuted. The Lagos State Government is doing enough at the moment; I just hope they can create more Help Centres in every local council across the State to help victims get help faster. This is one thing I have been advocating for since 2010.

Have they prosecuted any offenders? Kindly give figures if you have them.
In 2016, 4, 035 cases ranging from rape, child abuse, sexual assault, sexual abuse to defilement, were handled by the Lagos State Ministry of Justice; this, being a cumulative figure alongside the previous year. The number of unreported cases is obviously higher than that as 140 offenders were prosecuted last year. I believe the figure will increase as time goes by.

What kind of advocacy do you take to the schools?
Sensitisation and Awareness through our College Acquaintance Rape Education workshop (C.A.R.E) where we educate these young kids on how to identify an abuse and the need to report such cases to the necessary authority. I also wrote an information Handbook on Rape called “Breaking the Silence.” We use it as a toolkit to sensitize them – a book that contains all the necessary information they need; from help lines to help centres across Lagos. The feedbacks from the kids in the last few years have been great; we have more kids reporting such cases in confidentiality now.

Who are the potential or likely rapists?
Undisciplined men, who do not have self-control, are potential rapist.

Kindly share with us some of the tips you’ve offered school children on defending themselves against predators.
I have a personal code I teach them with called L.I.E.S: L stands for ‘Learn to say NO’, I – ‘Identify the situation’, E – ‘Expose the perpetrator’, S – ‘Say it as it is without conceding information’. I encourage them to write this in their exercise books or we give them stick on papers they can paste on their wardrobes.

More rape cases are being reported in the news nowadays. What do you think could be responsible?
It’s still indiscipline and lack of self control. There is no justification for rape or any form of sexual abuse. Some have argued that the economy is one of the reasons but I beg to differ: how will raping or defiling a child change your financial status? It’s also good we have more reported cases lately – this goes to show we have not been lending our voice in vain.

Do you counsel rape victims, too? What advice do you have for them to move on with their lives?
Yes, I do. First, I take them through a healing process; the biggest stage of healing is ‘breaking your silence’ and I also encourage them not to ever blame themselves for getting raped or dwell on it.

You’re also a blogger and columnist with the popular Women of Rubies interviews. How do you go out of your way to get these exceptional women?
Blogging, through the Women of Rubies Platform, has been very interesting. It avails me the opportunity to be more inspired and challenges me to even do more. We often have people nominate women they feel are worthy of being celebrated; we get nominations weekly for a ‘deserving woman’ whose story deserves to be brought to the front-burner.

What’s relaxation for you?
Sadly, I hardly relax but lately, I’m beginning to learn how to have some time for myself. I go out to see an interesting movie or just stay indoors and watch one – zero-attention to social media; just that alone-movie time to relax the head.

Who are your role models?
My mum, because she had every reason under the sun not to bring me to the world, but against all odds she did and made sure I become the woman I am today. Another person is Kate Henshaw. She is one of the very first people who believed in me, she made sure I got more tutelage from more experienced women in my line of work and she also became a mentor in the process. Aunty Kate as I fondly call her is one of my biggest support systems in the industry. Her selflessness and humility inspire me a lot. I also admire Remi Shonaiya, the presidential candidate for KOWA Party for daring to be different and standing up tall, for showing that a woman can contest and one day sit at the highest level of authority in this country. I am inspired by her courage and the way she has positioned herself even after losing the election. I also admire Ini onuk and Betty Irabor. On the International scene it’s Oprah Winfrey and Hillary Clinton.

You’re the daughter of a renowned accountant in the country, why didn’t you follow daddy’s career? What life’s lessons have you learned from your dad?
For me, this is what God wants me to do; this is the path He wants me to toe – I am living my own purpose. My dad’s purpose is in accounting and other fields he has excelled in; he respects my vision and is very supportive of my aspirations in life. One life lesson he taught me is to always stay and think positive, no matter what life throws at me.

What’s your philosophy of life?
I am not scared of lifting other women up; I am not afraid to help other women and see them succeed. My thing is: “as long as I wear the crown, no one can take my throne”. You can’t boldly say you have succeeded in life till you help someone who can never pay you back.

Advice for young women out there
Women, stand up! Go out there and be all you want to be. Be strong and bold, do all you can to have a voice and an identity. Let your name be the solution to a problem you solve.

Interview originally published by Guardian

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