self development Archives

In self development July 4, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

OLACHI OLATUNDE: WHY SOME RULES ARE JUST BS!

The first time I heard the term ‘bullshit rules’, I remember thinking to myself ‘wait, bullshit what?’ BULLSHIT-RULES. You know what they are? They are these set of unwritten rules that the world expects us to live by but when you really break them down, you find out that the rule is really just bullshit. So Vishen Lakhiani (Founder of MindValley) decided to term them Bullshir-Rules and I’m going to attempt to whole idea to you.

Man, by being is programmable and I’ll tell you what I mean in a sec. If you strip down the things you generally hold to be true, to be your beliefs – you will notice that most of the things you believe are not a result of your conscious or rational choosing. You have grown to believe many things through programming, imitation and indoctrination. You basically believe a lot of things because you were told at some point in your life that that’s just how life is.

This would have been alright if the beliefs passed on were consistently beneficial, but this is not always the case – matter of fact, it rarely is.

As infants we are born without beliefs, with no real concept of right or wrong, good or bad. Society tells us what is acceptable and what is not. Culture determines what length a boys’ hair should be, parents dictate who they expect us to be friends with, and what they think we should study. Religion is clear on who makes a satisfactory spouse and who does not.

If you really really think about it, we are largely a product of our programming, yes there are exceptions but by and large many of us are still living the lives that someone somewhere told us to live.

“We have taken our definitions of what is acceptable and what is not from people other than ourselves imagining that they know more about our lives than we”.

Now I understand the place of parents, teachers and others in authority over us and they are very much needed but we must not be oblivious of the fact that it is very easy for them to pass on their beliefs to us; whether these beliefs are necessary for our growth or not. To be really honest, a lot of their beliefs are bullshit and you really need to chuck them, hold on to what serves you only.

The thing with beliefs is that they are fact. Whatever you believe becomes ‘fact’ for you so it is possible that you can live your whole life living someone else’s beliefs and experiencing the life that goes with it. How uncool.

If your beliefs aren’t even yours, then are you yourself at all? Makes you wonder why there’s so many people running around with no sense of identity, no knowledge of who they are. They have relied on others to decide who they are and therefore who they can become – it is a tragedy really.

But NOT today!!!

Today we are crushing all bullshit rules and making up new rules to replace them. I do apologize for all the swear words in this post if it hurts your senses, there are just a few more to come and we’ll be done – I promise.

To attempt a definition – a bullshit rule is a belief about yourself or life that you have always believed to be true even if it isn’t necessarily. It’s mostly negative and a result of unintentional or intentional indoctrination. Here are a few bullshit rules we need to get rid of today.

Bull-Shit rule 1

To make money, you have to work really really really hard. Hard work is important but don’t get stuck thinking that unless you sweat and toil, you cannot have the success or the money you want. Just look around you, too many examples to be a fluke.

Bull-Shit rule 2

To be a happy and successful woman, you need a man – Nobody should ever NEED anyone other than themselves to make them happy. You don’t NEED anyone, you might want ‘em because really what would life be without men…heheehe..

Bull-Shit rule 3

I need to go to school to make any money – Education is important, but you do not always need the four walls of a room to learn. You 100% percent need education but it does not have to come in the form of a college degree. Your knowledge is not less valuable just because it didn’t come with a certificate. You feel me?

Bull-Shit rule 4

She is less of a woman because she did not physically birth a child – This is bullshit and that’s all I’m saying about that.

I know how sensitive this is and I say it with utmost consideration for all concerned but it’s just not true and it’s painful to see people feel less than themselves for something they have no control over. This one pains me on a personal level. Chuck this BS rule quickly.

Bull-Shit rule 5

Money is the root of evil – if you believe this then you will stay far away from money. How do you think something is evil and keep trying to get it? It’s counter-intuitive. Money is great, its what you do with it that makes it either evil or good.

Bull-Shit rule 6

I can’t make money from doing what I really love – oohhh, watch me and you can too. Might take a little time and cost a lot but it is possible. There are too many life examples for it not to be possible.

I can go on but where’s the fun in that? Get in on the gist and let us know what bull shit rules you will be chucking today. Remember if it doesn’t serve you, chuck it. *singing* …bad energy stay far away…

About Olachi Olatunji

Hey, my name is Olachi and I like to refer to myself as a ‘thinking enthusiast.’

I love a few things, number one of them being learning and number two would be spreading.

I believe in the power of right thinking to transform lives and as a result; I enjoy spreading knowledge, inspiring thinking and encouraging movement.

I however am not a very serious person so please don’t expect to find me in a suit… In a crowd with beating music though, find me somewhere in the middle – moving to the beat and filling my soul with joy.

Olachi Olatunji

Chief Curator,

#TKOH

http://www.theknowledgeofhow.com/

In self development July 2, 2019 By Women of Rubies

LOTA O: A ‘MAN OF GOD’IS JUST THAT….A MAN!

I am not a member of this church, and sadly I only heard about them after the allegations against their founder started.

I woke up Friday morning to several posts, reposts and reactions (good and bad) on social media, all of them about Busola Dakolo’s four-part interview, during which she recounts the rape incidents (yes incidents, plural – it happened twice) she suffered from Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo, the Senior Pastor of COZA Ministries, one of Nigeria’s mega protestant churches.

This issue of rape/sexual assault, especially on the heels of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, is met with mixed reactions whenever it comes up. It’s either the survivor is immediately believed and has a lot of people supporting him/her, or the allegations and stories are met with flat out disbelief, and then some people proceed to call the survivor all sorts of names. Victim blaming commences, and the survivor ends up being shamed into silence and regrets ever speaking up. Then there are those that are sort of on the fence about it, who first try to make sense of the story by asking as many questions as possible before they decide who and what to believe.

When I saw the interview itself, I wasn’t that surprised. I sort of saw it coming, because her husband, Timi Dakolo, had previously spoken out about the issue of rape/sexual abuse by pastors, and had called out this pastor specifically, several weeks ago. Busola herself had also put up a peculiar post on Instagram just yesterday that I took to mean something big was coming.

The issues surrounding sexual abuse and rape, its prevalence, lack of justice/punishment for the perpetrators, report time, consent, and the culture of silencing and shaming of victims are currently being addressed across all social media platforms, and are perhaps a topic for a different day. However, some of the reactions to Busola’s interview that I have seen are what have me riled up.

Not surprisingly, a lot of people cannot bring themselves to begin to process or fathom that a religious figure (pastor, priest, bishop, nun, etc.) could ever engage in such shameful, criminal (and sinful) behaviour. Crazy, right? But I understand it because:

1. Cognitive dissonance: psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously (Merriam-Webster dictionary). This is usually for friends and family of the perpetrator, or those that hold them in high regard.
2. Some people have sadly undergone the same abuse, and are not ready to acknowledge what happened to them.
3. Some people have unfortunately tied the basis of their faith and spirituality to these religious figures, and so acknowledging or believing such allegations will shake their faith. This is what I want to address today.

We are all human beings. Men of God included. Yes, they might read/understand the Bible more than others. Yes, they are charismatic and know how to get a message across. Yes, they might be able to get spiritual revelations, or possess certain gifts of the Holy Spirit. But, at the end of the day, they are just men. In fact, if anything, they are in a better position to be the perpetrators of such sexual misconducts. Why? Because, among many reasons:

1. Rape is about power, and they possess tremendous power.
2. They believe they will get away with it, because for so long, they have.
3. Rape, sometimes, is a crime of opportunity, and between the adulation and undue attention they get from their followers, the opportunity will present itself somehow, and they will take advantage of it.

I am not a member of this church, and sadly I only heard about them after the allegations against their founder started. So, I sympathise with anyone whose world seems shaken by this. But, please, let us all remember that these people are only human beings like you and me. They are not God, they are only a mouth-piece, and no one is above sin or mistakes. Please, please, please, do not let your faith in God be shaken by this.

I am Catholic, proudly so. And yes, the Catholic Church has had its own share of sex scandals that spans centuries, especially involving the sexual abuse of younger boys by priests. I have also had my fair share of abuse and molestation from religious figures that occurred when I was much younger (sometimes in my own home), and I only recently opened up to my family and friends about it. And no one had no clue.

When we are able to see past their titles and positions, one thing is clear: sexual assault/rape can happen to anyone, by anyone, anywhere, and at any time. Hopefully, when we all come to this realization, we can better prevent, manage and tackle these issues so that they don’t keep happening, and so that the perpetrators don’t go unpunished.

I commend Busola for speaking her truth. It takes a special kind of courage and bravery to speak up about something like this, especially considering her status in the society, and being a mom of three not-so-young kids. I hope she is able to find healing and peace from this. Also, kudos to her husband, Timi, for standing by her and putting himself and his reputation out there for the greater cause.

I sincerely hope that as a country, we are able to finally hold powerful people accountable, and that this man is brought to justice. And if indeed there is a different side to this story (I highly doubt it – this is not the first allegation against him), then said pastor should come out and tell it.

Written by Lota O

Credit: Bella Naija

In self development July 2, 2019 By Women of Rubies

MEET TAMEKIA SWINT, THE ENTREPRENEUR WHO CREATED A HAIR SCHOOL FOR WHITE ADOPTIVE PARENTS OF BLACK CHILDREN

Tamekia Swint started Styles 4 Kidz after she noticed more white parents were choosing to adopt Black children.

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“They’re not familiar with the [black] hair,” she told 60 Second Docs. “I saw that this might be something where I can empower them.” The documentary has been viewed more than 3.5 million times since its May 15 premiere, according to Popsugar.

She started the company in 2010 with three clients. Since then, she’s served more than 500 families. Swint offers several styles ranging from $40 to $150. She also hosts workshops for parents who want to learn how to do their children’s hair.

The mother-of-one claims the parents are eagerto learn about Black hair.

“I saw the need for this kind of service as more whites and other non-black families adopted black children,” Swint told Oak Park in March. “A big misconception a lot of blacks have about whites adopting black children is that they don’t care about these kids and that’s just not true.”

Laura Basi, mother to a pair of twins, is thankful for Styles 4 Kidz because Black hair resources are scarce in her country.

“I want to learn how to care for my children’s hair and this is the best place for me to learn how to do that. I live in Batavia where there’s not any place I can take them for hair care,” Basi said. “Adopting these two has been a positive experience for my family. We adopted them when they were five days old.”

The organization also allows Basi to socialize with other parents.

“I know soon it will be time to send them to school and that is something my husband and I are discussing now,” she continued. “I know there are things I won’t be able to relate to when it comes to blacks and that’s why I am learning as much as I can, from as many people as I can.”

The kids are also enthusiastic about their new hairdos.

“We’ll go there and give them haircuts and braid hair. You would be amazed how much self-confidence these children gain once their hair is looking good,” said Swint. “Seeing the smiles on their faces when we leave is a wonderful feeling.

Credit: blavity.com

In self development June 27, 2019 By Women of Rubies

CHICAGO TWINS WHO TOOK 12 AP COURSES GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL AS CO-VALEDICTORIANS

Twins, Tia and Tyra Smith recently graduated from Chicago’s Lindblom Math and Science Academy with 4.0 GPAs and secured the title of co-valedictorians.

The 18-year-old sisters each excelled in 12 Advancement Placement courses, including U.S. history. In fact, they both juggled five AP classes in their final year of high school.

“I was like, ‘No, I’m not approving this. That’s not a stress level I’m comfortable with,’” Lindblom guidance counselor April Weathers told the Chicago Sun-Times.“What did they get? Straight A’s.”

For their senior year, Tia and Tyra launched two major projects at Lindblom: the academy’s first Black history, student art-featured gallery, titled “More than 28,” and a community health campaign for kidney disease.

Both sisters credit their achievements to hard work, encouraging one another and consistent communication with teachers.

“I think we’re successful, because of ourselves and because we’ve worked together throughout all these years,” Tia said. “I think it makes sense to do this together.”

Though they both will be studying theater this fall, Tia will attend Duke University while Tyra will enroll at Northwestern University.

Both have been awarded a total of $5 million in scholarship funds.

“Their achievement did not come as a surprise because we’ve been working with them at a very early age,” the sisters’ mother, Lemi-Ola Erinkitola, told Good Morning America. Erinkitola is an educator, author and founder of The Critical Thinking Child, which provides consulting and tutoring services to children, educators and families.

“It was very, very emotional and goes beyond just the title. It was the fact that they can share that platform together and a memory they can carry throughout their journeys in life.”

While neither sister knows exactly where their path will take them, Tyra said she has her eyes set on “be[ing] happy,” and Tia wants to dive into the world of theater, making it “more accessible” for the masses.

Credit: blavity.com

In self development June 27, 2019 By Women of Rubies

AARON PHILIP IS A BLACK, TRANSGENDER AND DISABLED MODEL AND SHE JUST LANDS HER FIRST MAGAZINE COVER!

As the first Black, transgender and disabled model signed to a major model agency, Elite Model Management, Aaron Philip just landed her first full spread feature with Paper magazine.

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i’m so happy to share my @papermagazine cover for this year’s #PaperPride ❤️ me by my dear friend @mylesloftin, styled by icon @tiffanistyles, makeup by legends @raisaflowers @kbank.s, hair by wonderful @evaniefrausto, nails by @yukomanicure 💗 this is my first major cover and i just could not be more grateful or excited. i’m speechless, but what’s new? thank you to this fantastic team and thank you @justintmoran for always supporting & loving me 💕 @richiekeo @elitenyc i love you xoxo

A post shared by aaron philip (@aaron___philip) on Jun 24, 2019 at 7:10am PDT

Gracing the cover donning a fluorescent feather boa, the 18-year-old model is one of seven features for this month’s issue celebrating Pride and was interviewed by iconic supermodel Naomi Campbell. Philip, who was born with cerebral palsy, is very vocal about the representation disparities on the runway.

“As of right now, I’m one of two physically disabled models in the entire industry,” she told CNN in February.

“The fashion industry has only known one type of body, and one type of marketable figure for so long. (But) now we’re entering this time, and this climate, where all types of bodies want to be pushed forward and celebrated —not only celebrated, but be seen as desirable and marketable.”

She adds that the marginalized should not be responsible for amplifying their voices when others could advocate on their behalf.

“But it’s just the way of getting to where you need to be,” she said. “So I’ll do it. And hopefully I’ll do it so that other girls in my position don’t have to.”

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LOOK 18 ON @aaron___philip , a moment that will forever make my heart full ✖️ photos/videos by @elischmidtphoto #queercapital #madeinnyc

A post shared by @willienorrisworkshop on Jun 19, 2019 at 1:28pm PDT

Philip’s presence on social media has garnered much attention with a total of 120,000 followers on Instagram and Twitter.

“Honestly when i get scouted/discovered by a modeling agency it’s OVER for y’all!,” she tweeted in 2017.

Since being signed to Elite, Philip has remained booked and busy with several featured profiles and brand marketing campaigns including Dove, Sephora and Teen Vogue.

Credit: blavity.com

In self development June 27, 2019 By Women of Rubies

12-YEAR-OLD KIDPRENEUR AND HER MOM LAUNCH SUBSCRIPTION BOX THAT INSTILLS CONFIDENCE IN YOUNG GIRLS

Kidpreneur Alex Hopkins and her mom, Patrice, have curated a box that delivers self love and serves as a launch pad for self-awareness and self-esteem programming for girls across the nation.

Alex and Patrice Hopkins, founders of Confident Girls

Founded in 2016 by mother-daughter duo Alex Hopkins and her mom Patrice, Confident Girls is a plant-based company committed to the empowerment of young girls, through education and positive self-care. Confident Girls is excited to announce the release of its new subscription box, Confident Crate. Confident Crate offers a fun yet empowering monthly subscription box, that caters to a young daughters’ uniqueness along with fun surprises for the entire family to enjoy. The box contains 2-3 full-sized beauty products and an additional 3-4 curated items with a new and unique overarching theme each month.

Confident Girls is represented through a vibrant mix of characters named Jadira, Alex, Shima, Aja, and Andraya. These characters are loosely based on the characteristics, imagery, and personalities of Alex, her two sisters, and her two cousins. The Confident Girls characters represent the diversity that encompasses the Hopkins family.

Studies show that by the age of 6, girls gain awareness of their body image. By late elementary school 50% of girls develop a negative body image, and 78% by the time they reach seventeen. This lack of self-esteem has lifelong consequences. Girls who are raised with confidence are more equipped to handle stressful situations, exhibit a more positive attitude and have the ability to positively influence others and seek leadership roles in their community. The creation of Confident Crate allows us to bridge this gap and accomplish three key principles: the importance of self-care, seeking diversity in everything we do, and most importantly instilling in young girls all over the world the belief “that confident girls look like me.”

When asked about the importance of this crate Alex states, “Confidence to me is the courage to do something that other people are afraid to do. One of those things is being yourself and doing what you feel is right. Starting Confident Girls with my mom we hope that we can give people the courage and confidence to stay true to themselves.”

The Confidence Girls mission is to create a supportive environment that brings girls together. Alex and Patrice were so touched when girls and their mothers, having seen the characters on their skin care products, would approach them saying say, “Wow, there is a girl with red hair. She looks like me!”

“Representation matters and all girls need to see the best representation of themselves,” said Patrice, who serves as the company’s COO.

Alex is not only the CEO of a successful skincare line for her and her peers, she is also an honor roll student, star on the soccer field, and a county champion in track and field for her middle school. Patrice uses her M.ED in Special Education to create a curriculum for their educational programs and workshops which focuses on self-care, mother-daughter relationships and enhancing their vision of building the self-esteem of young girls all around the world.

For more information about Confident Crate, Confident Girls products or programming, visit www.confidentcrate.com

PRESS CONTACT:
Patrice Hopkins
571-228-6869
patrice@confidentgirls.net

Credit: Blacknews.com

In self development June 27, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

EDEN PEACE: WHEN SHE SAYS “NO” SHE MEANS “NO”!

For you, your argument might be that the lady is giving you confusing signals, and I agree that some women do that. But even then, no woman ever wants her freewill to be overridden. You have an obligation to respect that.

At different times in the last month alone, I have spoken with men who, during the conversation, have said, “When a woman says no, she means yes.”

You have heard that statement, no doubt. In fact, you are possibly one of the millions who believe it because, after all, women don’t know what they want. When men and women were created, why did it take so long for a woman to come on the scene, if not that they weren’t originally intended? What that means, of course, is that women don’t have as much anything as men, including freewill.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be so bothered about statements like this, except that more than a few men have repeated the sentiment around me, which is really bothersome. That and the sad news about rape I’ve been hearing lately.

Women are raped and nobody enforces the law to protect them. But we force them to live with the consequences long after the incident. Do we really think that little of women?

When anyone – male or female – makes a statement like “When a woman says no, she means yes,” that person is propagating rape. See, people would have you believe that this statement applies only to instances where the man has a disagreement with the woman. They will say that when a woman says she wants to be left alone, what she is saying is the man shouldn’t go anywhere, that he needs to intensify his apologies. That is a big problem, however, and as well-meaning as it sounds, it is flawed. Highly so.

If you have been in enough disagreements, you can tell that staying, when someone has told you expressly not to be there, is fodder for aggression. What often happens is instead of abating the tension, the offender’s presence incites more anger. Why incite someone to aggression when you could easily walk out and talk about it at a more appropriate time? And let us not pretend that this is different, because it is not.

Unfortunately, religious leaders preach messages like this, too, which poses problems, because beyond petty disagreements between couples, they blur the lines and start to take statements like that to mean women are not intellectually sound enough to decide for themselves.

Can you see the problem here? Taking a word with a very direct meaning to mean something else, which is very consistent with how rapists think. Look at the recent abhorrence that happened in Abuja with policemen raping women. What if those women were prostitutes? Is that to say that a woman who chooses to earn her living sleeping with men is okay to be raped?

Well then, we might as well pass it into law that raping prostitutes is legal since we’re being all morally smug.

Freewill is the key here, and with it comes choice, as such no is a word that must never be negotiated.

Every time I think about the privilege of my humanity, one of the things I’m most thankful for is my ability to choose. But the world operates with such tyranny that one wonders if the infinite intelligence that put the power of choice in every human being didn’t know what it was doing when it did that. We have a world full of the effort to control people: sexual trafficking, domestic labor, war and all that sort. But the mandate was for everyone to dominate, not even over each other but over the earth.

When you say that a woman doesn’t really mean it when she says no, you take her for a fool. You take away the power of her freewill and give other people the permission to do the same. When you conveniently misinterpret her, you send her an unconscious message that her assertion carries no weight. Sadly, you then resort to blaming her when someone with as skewed a perspective as yours takes advantage of her. You didn’t invent the English vocabulary, so why give the words another meaning than originally intended?

Irrespective of what a woman’s body language says, no means no. You must show a regard for her when you hear what she is saying, and respond.

Source: Bellanaija

In self development June 26, 2019 By Women of Rubies

FLORIDA TEEN DEFIES CANCER DIAGNOSIS TO ATTEND SENIOR PROM

Claudia Medeus is the epitome of a fighter.

A Florida teen was diagnosed with cancertwo months before her prom and went anyway despite her diagnosis.

Claudia Medeus of Coral Springs was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma in March. The 17-year-old Coral Glades High School student has always had her heart set on attending her senior prom. Nothing, not even cancer, was going to stop her. On the night of her may 18 prom, Medeus got glammed up and ready to go.

The devastating news sent her into freefall. She thought her life was over and her dreams were out of reach.

“Then I started treatment and it made me so sick and there was much risk,” she recalled. “I was scared to even go to prom. I just wanted to sink into a black hole forever.”

But the side effects of her treatment were not enough to deter her. Claudia kept fighting.

“After a couple of weeks, I thought, ‘It’s my senior year and I shouldn’t let cancer take my happiness away,’” she said defiantly.

Her immune system was weakened drastically due to the cancer and treatment. However, the teen’s doctors gave her the green light to go to prom.

“When I asked the doctors, it went from, ‘We don’t know to maybe to we’ll see to you can go.’ I was so excited to tell my friends, ‘Hey guys, I’m going to prom!’ At that moment I forgot I had cancer.”

Rhabdomyosarcoma is a soft tissue cancer that affects children and teenagers. According to Cancer.gov, the cancer is a type of “sarcoma that is found in the soft tissue (such as muscle), connective tissue (such as tendon or cartilage), or bone.”

Experts like Hector Rodriguez-Cortes, M.D., medical director of pediatric hematology/oncology at the Salah Foundation Children’s Hospital at Broward Health Medical Center, said treatment for the cancer remains a challenge. Drug resistance to pediatric tumors tends to make the cancer difficult to cure.

Despite the long road ahead, Claudia will remain a “funny, bubbly, crazy fun girl” who isn’t defined by her diagnosis.

Credit: blavity.com

In self development June 26, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

IBUKUNOLUWA AJAYI: STOP GIVING POWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS!

Back in 2014, I had come to the end of myself. It was the 6^th year since I had been battling leg ulcer, and I was tired, frustrated, humiliated, angry, depressed and suicidal. I had tried all forms of treatment, but none of them worked. I had done one surgery (skin graft) and used various remedies, Chinese and herbal.

I had just tried the herbal treatment my aunt suggested. She said there was a woman who used herbal medicine to treat wounds and other illnesses. I was very much against it in the beginning, but I wanted to have at least tried everything possible. My mum, my aunt and I paid a visit to the woman at her house. My mum told her my history and all I had been through, and she assured my mum that the herbal treatment would work. The woman charged us an exorbitant amount but my mum was willing to pay anything as long as I got better.

The herbal treatment process was that the wound would be washed with a herbal soap and then some herbal powder would be put on the surface of the wound. The woman asked me to sit on a stool so she could wash the leg. I didn’t put too much thought to it because I felt How bad could it be? I had been through worse. The wound was badly infected at the time, and it had some yellow stuff on the surface, which was why she needed to wash it.

I sat on the stool and she took my leg. The minute she began washing it I started to scream out. It was so painful. I hadn’t expected that much pain. I tried to jerk my leg away from her hand, but her grasp was strong. I was shaking on the stool and I was close to falling off. The woman had to call in reinforcements to hold me down. Her son and my aunt pinned me down on the stool, and she continued to scrub the wound.

I was going through various emotions and I looked to my mum so she could stop them, but she was crying and she said: “Please, just bear it, God will let this one work.” The woman finished washing and put the herbal powder on the wound. I couldn’t walk because I was in a lot of pain, so they carried me into the car and into the house when we arrived home.

I couldn’t walk for two days after the treatment, so I crawled around my house. The herbal treatment went on for almost three months and the wound was healing. On one of the days I went for treatment, she told my mum and I that someone had called her to come to Abuja to treat a senator. She said she would give us everything she used on our next visit, and if we continued the treatment the way she had been doing it, the wound would heal completely.

The woman travelled and my mum and I treated the wound at home with all the things she gave us, but it stopped working. My mum called the woman and asked her to please come back and continue the treatment, but she didn’t. After all of this happened, I was totally done with living. After all, I had tried it all. But one thought kept plaguing my mind. I didn’t want to have suffered hell on earth, and then hell for eternity. A part of me wanted it all to stop, and the other part just wanted a way to cope with it all.

While searching for a coping mechanism, I discovered something. Anytime I dressed the wound and I focused on the pain I was feeling, the pain would seem so unbearable and I would be miserable the whole day. But If I dressed the leg, and I immediately opened my laptop and started to watch a movie, and really concentrated on the movie, rather than on the pain I was feeling, after a while the pain would subside and I wouldn’t feel as miserable or as frustrated as I was before the movie.

It’s like the story in the Bible where the children of Israel were being bitten by snakes and God asked Moses to put a big snake on a staff and mount it, and all those who looked to the big snake on the staff would live, but those who continued to look down at the snake that was biting them would die.

I tried this new pattern for a while and it worked for me, and so I adopted it as a mantra for life. If something bad happened, or I was experiencing mood swings or someone upset me, I would find a distraction immediately. This really helped me because I was no longer focusing on the problems, which meant I wasn’t giving it power over me.

We humans are so accustomed to focusing solely on the problem at hand. We fret, worry, stress and magnify the problem so much that we are unable to see a solution in sight, if one exists. Immediately something goes wrong, our natural instinct is to worry and stress over it; most of the time we are unable to solve the problem by going that route. Instead of following your natural instinct, why not take a break and save yourself from developing a migraine or a high bp?

If something gets bad, can it be fixed or can you replace it? Rather than brood over a problem and let it overpower you, find a distraction for the moment, and by the time you come back to it, it won’t seem as nerve-racking and as overwhelming as you thought it was. If someone pisses you off, watch a movie, read a book, or take a cold shower.

Distracting yourself from the issue at hand not only puts you in control of the situation, but also prevents you from making rash decisions that could ultimately have negative consequences, which only creates more problems for yourself and others. The minute you give in to the negativity, you begin to lose your power.

Life is a power struggle, and whoever or whatever holds the power sits in the driver seat and has control. I had been giving the leg ulcer too much power, and it had been driving my life ragged, but the minute I stopped giving it power, I took back control over my life and I could think rationally.

It’s never as bad as it seems or as overwhelming as it looks. It only feels that way because you have given power away to the problem. Always remember you are in control of your life. The power is yours. Don’t give it away.

Source: Bellanaija

In self development June 25, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

NNEAMAKA ONOCHIE: WOMAN, TAKE THY VEX MONEY

“I was embarrassed, Amaka. All I had with me was transport fare, which could barely take me home. Besides being labeled all sorts of dehumanising names, my wrist watch and shoes were taken from me and I was made to wash plates. And till now I haven’t heard from him.”

I was scooping the remaining white soup in a bowl when I heard the mind shattering knock on my door. It must be the gateman, I thought. Maybe the clothes I left outside to dry had been taken down by the breeze. I wasn’t expecting a visitor. Besides, the gateman wouldn’t give anyone a pass without alerting me first. “Just a minute,” I screamed.

I rushed to the door and unbolted it. Behold, it was my friend Tinuke. I wasn’t really surprised. I guess we all have that friend who barges in on us without prior notice. The gateman always gave her free pass, as she was my close paddy.

“Good day,” she said so lightly you could barely hear her. Her face was creased with a frown and swollen like a rebellious puff puff, her eyes red and puffy you would know she just had a rendezvous with tears. I stepped aside to let her in, and she walked in sulking.

She sat down and I sat beside her. “Did anybody die?” I asked, baffled.

“No,” she answered and rolled her eyes.

“So?” I probed further. She opened her flimsy black purse and brought out a supposedly white handkerchief, dabbed the corners of her eyes carefully so as not to smear her already-washed-out-with-tears make up. I waited impatiently.

“I was invited on a date by Lawal, the guy I told you I met last week,” she began. “I got to the restaurant and sat waiting for him. While I waited I ordered for a glass of smoothie, which I gulped slowly. Thirty minutes later he still hadn’t shown up. Almost irritated, I called him. He apologised profusely for the delay, which he claimed was due to some unfinished business at the office. He said I should make an order of food and drinks, that he would soon join me.” I cleared my throat and listened as she continued.

“I ordered a plate of rice with shredded chicken sauce and a bottle of wine. I ate while waiting for him. I finished eating and he hadn’t shown up, and two hours had gone, so I ordered a big fresh fish and it was prepared for me. I hadn’t realised how much time had passed, and my date hadn’t shown up. I dialled his number and it was switched off. When I took down my phone a waiter had come with an exorbitant bill.” she started shedding fresh tears. “I was embarrassed, Amaka. All I had with me was transport fare, which could barely take me home. Besides being labeled all sorts of dehumanising names, my wrist watch and shoes were taken from me and I was made to wash plates. And till now I haven’t heard from him.”

I cleared my throat again, mentally analysing her tale of woes. I was mortified. I looked at her and felt like yanking her off my couch and shaking her so hard. “So you accumulated an exorbitant bill while waiting for a shadow” I said finally. Trying to be a voice of reason, I said, “I hope your Lawal hadn’t run into some kind of trouble,” then I reversed to the role of a sympathetic friend and sympathised with her while tabling where and how she failed.

I’m perturbed by how some women venture on dates empty handed, not asking themselves the what if questions. You should be ready for any eventuality. While preparing yourself to look your absolute best for your Romeo, heaping layers of foundation on your beautiful face, also endeavour to fling in some cash in your purse, otherwise known as vex money, so that when your Romeo cancels on you, you will do a hair flip knowing you’ve got your act together.

Order what you want I will soon join you is a trap. Unless you can pay for everything. Most women run into trouble because of greed, ahn ahn! A date to them is automatic ceremonious hunger alleviation, they come bearing with them dry throats for voluptuous gulps and empty stomachs filled with red eyed rattling worms. They make enormous orders not just for themselves, but for their clan and kindred, after all, an unfortunate Romeo strayed to their path. When the Romeo cunningly devises a means of escape for his already capsized pocket, the Juliet cries foul.

Eating to the size of your pocket cannot be overflogged. Make a deliberate attempt to know the price of your order, and eat to the size of your pocket, so that when Romeo cancels abruptly, you will be able to avoid every grit of embarrassment by paying graciously and exiting gracefully.

Source: Bellanaija

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