Briana Collins didn’t know she could wear braids on TV. The 26-year-old news anchor at Fox in Champaign, Illinois was tired of wearing straight hair and kowtowing to “industry standards” regarding hairstyles. In response, she took action.
“I’ve been in the TV industry for about four years now, so I’m still fairly new to the business. But one thing that I always wanted to do when I was in this industry was wear my braids,” she told TODAY Style. “Sometimes you just want to give your hair a break, or you’re tired of doing it every day.”
Inspired by Florida journalist AJ Walker, who posted photos of her braided hair, Collins asked her team if it was okay to wear braids. To her surprise, the network was supportive through the whole process.
“Fox Champaign has been 100 percent supportive of my choice. And it feels great to have management that approves of your choice to be different.”
While speaking toYahoo Lifestyle, the budding news anchor said that straight hair was the standard. Women of color working in the television news industry are not allowed to deviate from script.
“Curly or straight, in locks or natural or in braids” shouldn’t be a consideration, she told Yahoo.
Collins wanted to inspire other Black women who are often told their hairstyles were unprofessional. She shared photos on Facebook showing off her new do.
The anchor’s brave choice comes after several Black women around the country have taken bold strides in pushing back against racist bias against Black hair. Anchor Brittany Noble-Joneswrote a scathing essay calling out the industry and Atlanta 11 Alive Francesca Amiker wore faux locs in solidarity. As mentioned before, Walkerwore braids. There is a change in the air and Collins wants Black women to embrace it.
“Be yourself, the world will adjust,” she said. “Go through the proper channels and don’t feel like you don’t have options to take action against those who may have wronged you.”
Bisi Fayemi, wife of Ekiti state governor, Kayode Fayemi, says she is appalled by the number of women who have come out to shame and condenm wife of singer, Timi Dakolo, who recently accused the Senior Pastor of the Commonwealth of Zion Assembly COZA, Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo, of raping her when she was 17.
In an article she shared online, Mrs Fayemi says the culture of shaming rape victims and forcing them to silence their pain in Nigeria must stop. In her opinon, ”any adult who has a sexual relationship with a girl under the age of 18 is committing statutory rape, there is not such thing as consensual sex with a minor”.
Addressing the backlash Busola has received for speaking about the rape incident 20 years after, Mrs Fayemi wrote
”Over and over, supporters of the Pastor and some who claimed neutrality kept asking why Busola decided to speak up twenty years after the rape took place. Why is she speaking out now? Why did she not say something at the time? I could not believe some of the things people were saying, including those who ought to know better. Busola Dakolo and her husband Timi received unprecedented support for their bravery, the court of public opinion seems to be in their favour. However, I could not help but wonder how we got to where we are, a society blissfully unaware of the war that has been waged consistently on the bodies of women and girls from one generation to the next. Women don’t talk about what happened to them as girls or as adults because of the implications – shame, stigma, punishment, rejection. I am even more appalled at the number of women who have added their voices in the shaming of Busola. If you cannot say anything to support another woman in pain, say nothing. Keep quiet. If you are a fan of the accused Pastor, support him if you want, but you don’t have to call his accuser names.
Mrs Fayemi went on to share stories of how she was almost abused when she was a child and how her gut as a child and her mother’s immediate stand saved her from being a victim
When I was ten years old, my mother brought a male teenage relative to live with us to help around the house. His name was Sina. He slept on a mattress on the floor with my younger brother, while I was on the bed with one of my young Aunts. One night, before I fell asleep, I felt my bed covers being pulled. I pulled them back up. It happened again and I did the same thing. The third time, I allowed the covers to be pulled off totally to be sure I was not making a mistake. I sat up and asked Sina what he was doing. He said ‘nothing’. I stayed awake for most of the night. First thing in the morning, I went to tell my mother. She did not yell at me. She did not scream and call me a liar. By the time I got back from school, Sina was gone and we never saw him again. We never had any male relatives live with us after that.
When I was in secondary school and home for the holidays, I was around thirteen at the time, I told my father I wanted to learn how to swim. There was this young man who lived next door, he used to run errands for my father, we called him Brother Lai. My father asked Brother Lai to take me and my Aunt to Airport Hotel, Ikeja, to teach us how to swim. My first swimming lesson was my last. Brother Lai held me from behind, teaching me how to kick my feet under the water, while at the same time pressing himself against me and touching me inappropriately. When I asked him why he was doing that, he asked, ‘Can’t I play with you’? The next day, when he came around for us to go for the next lesson, I refused. I never told my parents what happened, I just mumbled something about not liking water. I was afraid of causing trouble. I did not want Brother Lai to be sent away on my account, the same way Sina was frog marched to the motor park by my mother. I did not want my parents to think I was in some way encouraging these men to be inappropriate towards me. So, I said nothing, and just stayed out of Brother Lai’s way. Brother Lai had never given any indication that he was anything other than a respected older brother figure. I was however literally placed in his hands and he saw an opportunity and took advantage of it. That is what predators do, they wait for opportunities to present themselves and then they abuse trust and innocence. With hindsight, I shudder at the naivety of my trusting parents. I however learnt to appreciate my mother’s response to my claims, it could have gone differently. What if my mother had not believed me? What if Brother Lai had come into our house and I had let him in, and he had proceeded to attack me in my own home?
Pastor Biodun has since stepped down as the senior pastor of COZA. Busola on her part has reported the case to the police.
“You need to have empathy for your husband’s failings.”
Many of the lies we’re told as wives treat men as if they need us to take responsibility for their walk with God, we need to help men with their “normal man issues” (ie lust), we have to treat them with kid gloves, we have to accept their emotional immaturity, and we have to behave perfectly or they just can’t help themselves from being “harsh” with us.
Why is it okay for Christian men to have fragile egos, to be out of control with their sexual lust, to be immature in their own relationships with God, to be emotionally clueless, and to have to be taken care of like children?
God doesn’t want men to stay in weak, fragile, immature emotional states, needing to be coddled. He also doesn’t want men who are cruel, abusive, petty, controlling, entitled and selfish. He wants men to grow up, take responsibility for themselves, love others selflessly, have self-control, be kind, compassionate and patient, and know Him deeply.
In a healthy marriage, both spouses support one another to follow God, but each person takes full responsibility for their choices, behaviors, maturity, and who they are as a person.
When a wife is expected to take on this responsibility for her husband, she is being told to carry a burden that’s not hers, and to participate in a belief system that limits his ability to grow into the man God created.
In addition, women are expected the carry the entire emotional load of the marriage and are held responsible for the emotional climate of the marriage.
What a disservice to men who are capable of so much more than is expected of them.
“It’s amazing to me how scriptures are thrown at us and we told we are not doing enough, all the while NOTHING is said to our husbands. When are these people confronting the husband with Bible about their behaviors?”
— Covert Abuse Survivor
This is part five of the series: Unraveling Spiritual Abuse and Lies Abused Christian Women Struggle With
Let’s take a look at some of the damaging rubbish covertly abused women have been told about their roles in their husband’s lives.
As we go through the following lies, remember to compare them against the 4 Cs:
The Character of God
The Consistency of what the rest of the Word says
The Context of the scripture in the book it’s in
Common Sense
YOU CAN SAVE HIM (HIS SPIRITUAL LIFE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY)
I was told I needed to stay because I could be the one that leads my husband to God.
I was told ‘Maybe God put that toxic person in your life to help that person see the God in you.’ ~ Covert Abuse Survivors
Does anyone see the craziness here that most of the women who are being told these things are married to men who confess to be Christians? Why would a Christian man need to see God in his wife when he supposedly already has the Spirit of God in him?
But even with men who aren’t claiming to be Christians, God never calls a wife to sacrifice her life to help her husband “find God.” An abusive husband will not find God by being allowed to abuse. A wicked man needs to see his sin and his desperate need for God to change his evil and deceitful heart, not to be allowed to continue in his wickedness.
God has great love, mercy and grace for those who sin in ignorance, and this love will draw a repentant sinner to Him.
But abusers are not sinning in ignorance. They know what they are doing and continue to do so because they feel entitled. This type of prideful, wicked man needs to be brought to his knees before God, humbled, and shown that God hates what he’s doing.
The wife should never be sacrificed for a husband who is rejecting God in every way.
“So what about that Scripture in I Peter directed urging wives to attempt to ‘win’ their disobedient husbands? I would say that the Scripture references a man who is ‘disobedient to the word,’ which likely references an unbeliever. He is not described here as wicked. There is a huge difference. It also says, he ‘may’ be won; not ‘will.’ There is no promise there, only a hope, and if a husband turns, praise God! But what if this man is not merely disobedient, but evil? And what if he is not ‘won over?’ What if the man has no intention of changing and, in fact, appreciates the power he holds over his respectful, submissive wife?”
— Cindy Burrell
YOU NEED TO GIVE GOD TIME TO WORK IN HIS HEART
How long is enough? 1 year, 5 years, 20 years? 40 years? How long do they expect her to live in torment, be destroyed to her depths, live with chronic PTSD, and risk her health? How long are her kids expected to live in a home with abuse?
If he was seeking God as he should be (or pretends he is), nothing could prevent God from working in His heart. God answers genuine prayer for heart change, but someone who’s not truly seeking God will stand still, and no amount of time will help.
Do not cast your pearls before swine and do not give what is holy to dogs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matt 7:6)
People who say this are exalting the life of one wicked man over the lives of his family. Clearly, they value men more than women and children
“Jesus… didn’t go chasing after those unwilling to receive the gospel, but rather instructed the disciples to ‘shake the dust off their feet as a testimony’ against entire towns unwilling to receive His message, and our Lord Himself adjures us not to attempt to spiritually invest in or make ourselves spiritually vulnerable to the hard-hearted.”
— Cindy Burrell
YOU NEED TO PRAY HARDER, THEN GOD WILL BLESS YOU
What an arrogant assumption to make, that we aren’t praying hard enough or respecting our husbands. So often, abused women are treated like little girls who aren’t wise in their own spiritual walks and who are to blame for the abuse. It’s sexist and insulting.
No amount of prayer will overcome an abuser’s free will to resist God’s work in his life and remain abusive.
GOD SAYS WIVES MUST BE SUBMISSIVE
I was told that I wasn’t being submissive enough. ~ Covert Abuse Survivor
Submission will not stop an abuser from abusing. In fact, being more submissive to abuse will continue the abuse, not stop it. Only people who don’t care about the well-being of a woman will tell her to submit to abuse.
“Many foolish legalists teach that humble submission to a cruel, abusive spouse is somehow noble and godly, and presumes that the abuser is simply ignorant or needs our sympathy; that the abuser will be compelled to humble himself and change when confronted with their loyal spouse’s patient and unconditional love. What those same legalists either fail or refuse to recognize is that demanding a spouse to remain with an abuser only empowers him. He knows full well the way the Christian legalist system works and brazenly exploits it to accommodate his entitlement mentality and further the reach of his wickedness.”
— Cindy Burrell
Wives are not slaves to their husbands, required to submit to his will. When wives are told to submit, the rest of the scripture is being willfully ignored:
Submit one to another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph 5:21)
“The reality is that there are only a few Bible texts that focus on submission in marriage. One passage is in the Apostle Peter’s Epistle where he instructed a wife to be submissive to her husband (I Pet 3:1). Similar to the Ephesians passage on mutual submission, Bible interpreters often pay little attention when Peter stated ‘In the same way’ and ‘You husbands likewise.’”
— Tim and Annie Evans
When an abused wife is told to submit to her abuser, the husband is rarely also told to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Something’s rotten here, and it’s called sexism.
“Submission is not a straight jacket of mindless obedience; it is the freedom to serve the deepest needs of the other with all that we are. ”
In Part Six I will be discussing the patriarchal theology surrounding the man being the “head,” and submission in greater detail.
MEN NEED SEX SO YOU NEED TO GIVE HIM MORE SEX
I’ve been told, after saying that sex after he watches porn made me feel like a hooker, that I must love him unconditionally and submit to him in whatever he asks as long as I’m not sinning.
I was told I needed to have sex with him regardless of if I had reason to suspect his faithfulness, that if I ended up catching a disease from him, then at least I would have got it while doing the ‘loving’ thing. ~ Covert Abuse Survivors
This demeaning theology reduces men to nothing more than a physical creature with uncontrollable desires, and women to nothing more than an object to fulfill that lust.
Men are so much more than that, but their sexuality, as God created it, has been diminished and warped though pornography and the constant sexualization and objectification of women that they are inundated with their entire lives.
God created sex in a marriage as a reflection of intimacy, not as a physical act to satiate the need of the man.
If a man has so little respect for his wife that he is happy to use her for his own pleasure without even caring if she’s enjoying it, let alone if she’s emotionally safe, present and happily participating, he’s no better than an animal.
We were created higher than the animals and it’s time we held men to the same standard that God does. Come on, men, have some self-respect!!!
“When Christian teachers repeatedly and consistently say that all men lust and that temptation is normal, this paves the way for dysfunctional marriages and normalizes sexual sin. What do you think happens to men who are told that they have a need for physical release that their wives must provide, and that if they’re not given sex, it’s not men’s fault if they stray? You end up with men who feel entitled to sex and women who feel used.”
— Sheila Wray Gregoire
I know of husbands who haven’t had sex for over a year because their wives were healing from childhood sexual abuse trauma, and sex was scary and unsafe. How did these men do this? Because they LOVE their wives with sacrificial love and want the best for their wives.
Did they blowup and die from lack of sex? Nope. Did they have affairs because they felt entitled to sex? Of course not. Did their man-parts fall off? Nope.
They were just fine because they are loving men acting as God designed them to.
Did their marriage blossom because the wives felt deeply loved, cared for and respected? You bet. And this is what a loving marriage is meant to be– a relationship where both people are respecting and honoring each other.
YOU NEED TO LEARN TO KEEP THE PEACE
I was told that a Christian wife is supposed to assume the best and should forgive, forget, and move toward her husband for the sake of peace. ~ Covert Abuse Survivor
No wife can make her husband live at peace with her if he chooses to be abusive. Period. These kinds of lies show a lack of the most basic understanding of boundaries, abuse, and our inability to change another person. Unfortunately, this lack of understanding is common in Christianity and is used to blame victims.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Rom 12:8)
Wives are expected to be the ones to keep the peace to make up for the husband’s unwillingness to live peaceably. There are several ridiculous assumptions here:
it must be the wife’s fault he’s not being peaceable
a wife can actually change her husband
men must be incapable of living at peace if it’s up to the wife to do it (as if they’re some kind of animal that we have to tame)
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. (Mt 5:9)
The Word tells us to be peacemakers not peace keepers, and there’s a big difference. A peacemaker works actively to create peace where there is conflict. A peacekeeper avoids doing things that will disrupt peace, such as standing up for herself.
When abused women are told to be peace keepers, they are expected to be doormats and accept abuse. They are being told to deny their basic need for emotional safety.
An abused women usually needs to leave the abuser to be a true peacemaker for herself and her children, for there is no way to make peace with an abuser.
YOU NEED TO HAVE COMPASSION/ EMPATHY FOR YOUR HUSBAND’S FAILINGS
Abusing your wife is not a failing or a mistake. It’s a choice a husband makes to harm the wife who he’s supposed to love.
Our empathy and compassion are what’s kept us in the abuse for so long. Abusers are skilled at playing the victim and getting sympathy. They have been playing on our kindness and goodness for years to manipulate us.
Abusers don’t change from empathy, but our empathy prolongs their abuse.
We’ve spent years, if not decades, having compassion on our husbands and believing their excuses.
We’ve had compassion when they say they can’t help it, and believed them when they promise to change.
We’ve believed them when they’ve said we aren’t understanding enough, or are asking too much.
We’ve believed them when they’ve blamed us for their behavior.
In our empathy, we have minimized their abuse and its effects on us and our children.
It’s a terribly confusing thing to be told to have compassion for someone who is intentionally hurting us, and it makes no sense.
When someone knows that what they’re doing is hurting us, and they continue to do it anyway, what is there to feel empathy for?
We are being told to take the side of abuser against our own selves!!
When we can identify abuse as the betrayal of our love, heart, emotions, mind, and soul that it is–wickedness, as it’s called in the Bible– we’re walking in truth.
In the Bible, wickedness is not handled with compassion and empathy. It’s called out and removed from the church because of the damage that wolves do.
“Jesus did not treat all people the same. To the seeking and downtrodden, He offered hope, grace and healing. Yet, the arrogant legalists, those who put on a good show but whose hearts were hardened to the things of God, He very harshly condemned. When they tested Him or crossed Him, He was neither gentle nor accommodating toward them. He called them out for their hypocrisy.”
— Cindy Burrell
The most compassionate thing we can do for an abuser is to give severe consequence in the hopes that they’ll choose to repent.
BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT HIM
Believing the best works when someone hurts you out of ignorance, or snaps at you because they’ve had bad day. When someone has shown themselves to be a loving person with your interests at heart, believing the best when they make a mistake is a loving thing to do.
But abusers don’t have their wives best interest at heart. They are manipulative and hurtful and there are no good intentions to believe in.
YOU NEED TO BE LIKE JESUS TO YOUR HUSBAND
When I was told I needed to be like Jesus to my husband, I wondered ‘Why doesn’t he be Jesus to me then?’ ~ Covert Abuse Survivor
When we’re told we need to be like Jesus, they’re referring to the loving, gracious, merciful Jesus who has forgiven us for our sins. But they also think of Jesus as a namby-pamby weakling who takes abuse and never says a word.
Jesus doesn’t turn a blind eye to sin and wickedness. He doesn’t offer grace to the abuser over justice and safety for the victim. Jesus came to free the abused and is vehemently opposed to oppression.
Being more like Jesus is great advice for a woman who is ready to stand against oppression, who is ready to grab some metaphorical whips and set some boundaries or walk away, but we know that’s not how it’s meant when this is being said to abused women.
TRUTH ABOUT WIVES
We are meant to be in loving relationships with our husbands. We are beautiful, strong capable, smart, wise women. We are loved by God. We are upheld by Jesus and seen as valuable and equal. Yet we are oppressed and held back, treated like children.
When God created wives (ezer kenegdo), he created a spouse for the man who is a strong and bold source of help in trouble, and a partner that will help him become all that God wants him to be. The Hebrew word ezer is a combination of two roots: `-z-r, meaning “to rescue, to save,” and g-z-r, meaning “to be strong.” In other passages, it is used to describe the Holy Spirit.
In a loving marriage with a man who will take responsibility for himself, our love, respect, truth and spiritual presence will be received. Our voice will be heard. Our feedback about our husband’s weaknesses will be appreciated.
We will be honored as the ezer kenegdo. We will grow with our husband into all Christ created us for.
Anything short of this is not God’s will for us.
I have worked with hundreds of abused women. I see that you are loving, caring, truthful, loyal, Godly, committed wives. You’ve worked hard, trying to make your marriages work for decades. You’ve sacrificed yourself for you marriage and children. You’re the kind of wife that any God-loving man would be blessed to have.
Yet you’ve been blamed, misunderstood, and betrayed for following God by rejecting abuse.
Every time one of you lovely, strong women is shunned and accused, the enemy kingdom rejoices, and the church– the very body of Christ– suffers.
But I know that you are strong, brave, warriors, and beautiful daughters of God.
And I also know that when you see Jesus face to face, He will say with tears, “Well done, good and faithful servant. It was never Me who rejected you. Come rest in My arms.”
If you’ve experienced covert psychological abuse and spiritual abuse, come join our private Facebook group for women of faith who are covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors.
W.TEC is now accepting applications for 2019 She Creates
Camp. The camp will hold in Lagos, Kwara and Anambra states from July –
September 2019.
The She Creates Camp is a W.TEC initiative designed to help
Nigerian secondary school girls (13 – 17 years) develop an early interest in
computer science, information technology, and related careers.
The She Creates Camp holds both residential and
non-residential camps across the nation with a mix of hands-on technology
workshops, career talks excursions and leadership exercises, which endeavors to
build strong, intelligent and focused young women, well-prepared for living and
working in an increasingly technology-driven world.
At the camps, we aim to mold young girls’ psyche, give them
a positive image of technology, related fields, and opportunities while
bridging the knowledge and skill gap between boys and girls in their career
paths.
Partners and supporters included are Google.org, Oracle,
SAGE Foundation, MainOne, Swift Networks Ltd, Kenneth Dike Memorial eLibrary
and Laureates College – Lagos.
Evaluations of previous camps show enhanced leadership
skills, creativity, problem-solving and communication abilities in our alumnae
as a result of attending the camp.
Camille Schrier was crowned Miss Virginia 2019 at the end of June, and for the talent portion of the competition, the 24-year-old biochemist showed off what she does best: Science.Schrier demonstrated the catalytic decomposition of hydrogen peroxide, a reaction that occurs when hydrogen peroxide comes in contact with a catalyst like potassium iodide, which Schrier used in her presentation. As she mixed the chemicals, large spouts of colored foam came shooting out of the beakers onstage, delighting the audience and obviously impressing the judges.
“Keep an eye out,” she said as people cheered, “Because science really is all around us.”
After her big win, Schrier said she hopes her onstage experiment helps change the conversation around talent and what it means to be a beauty queen.”I am more than Miss Virginia. I am Miss Biochemist, Miss Systems Biologist, Miss Future PharmD looking toward a pharmaceutical industry career,” she said in a release. “Now was the time for me to create a mind shift about the concept of talent by bringing my passion for STEM to the stage. To me, talent is not a passion alone, but also a skill which is perfected over years of learning.”
Schrier is a graduate of Virginia Tech and is currently a Doctor of Pharmacy student at Virginia Commonwealth University. In keeping with her passion — and talent, — Schrier’s platform issue for the competition was opioid abuse awareness and drug safety.As Miss Virginia 2019, Schrier will compete in the Miss America Pageant in September.
A 39-year-old formerly incarcerated woman is making people believe in second chances after graduating with her PhD — and using it to create a pathway for other returning citizens to find meaningful jobs.
Yolanda Perkins grew up middle-class in Clewiston, Florida, where she says that her parents gave her and her siblings everything that they needed — including the opportunity to attend college. However, in 2004, while her friends were seniors receiving their degrees, Perkins was caught stealing credit cards from a workplace mailroom, leading to sentence in federal prison.
“I was facing 25 to 30 years and at the suggestion of my attorney,” she tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “I pled guilty to possession of stolen mail and in exchange, they dropped the credit card fraud charge.”
At the time, Perkins was just 24 years old and ended up being sentenced to three years in federal prison — a terrifying reality that she didn’t want to face. When she was denied her request to be on probation, or enter a military boot camp, she tried to take her own life.
“I didn’t think life was worth living, and I tried to commit suicide,” she says. “I just didn’t see my life as livable anymore.” Thankfully, the attempt was unsuccessful, and Perkins ended up surrendering herself to prison. And although it was a “hard transition” it provided her the opportunity to reset her goals and put her energy toward making them happen.
“The entire time that I was incarcerated, I always kept a journal,” Perkins shares. “And one of the things that I would always write while I was incarcerated was about how I would graduate college because I didn’t finish. I felt incomplete.”
Perkins explains that while there were plenty of critics who suggested she wouldn’t be able to accomplish her goal after prison, there was one fellow inmate who helped her realize how much time she had in prison and how to use it wisely.
Throughout her three years, she was transferred to two other facilities, where she engaged in learning programs and listened to speakers who sparked her interest in public speaking. Still, once she finished her sentence and was moved to a halfway house, things didn’t pan out as Perkins had expected.
“I knew that I was ready to hit the ground running when I got to the halfway house… I just knew that it would be so easy — that’s just what I had said to myself,” she explains. “But none of that happened. Instead, everything totally opposite happened.”
Her felony record made it difficult to land a job, as did her caseworker, who Perkins says told her, “the closest that I would get to working in somebody’s office is if I was cleaning it.” With the help of a friend, she eventually landed a job at Goodwill where she had a boss named Becky whom she came to call her second mom.
With Becky’s encouragement, Perkins went back to school to finish her bachelor’s degree and eventually pursued her first master’s degree, which she completed in 2010. All the while, she connected with and married her husband, Dwight, and became pregnant with their first child in 2012.
Still, it was difficult to move beyond the part of her life that she had come to feel so ashamed of — until she wrote her first book.
“While I was pregnant with my son, I was on bed rest and I wrote a book. And it was that book that I wrote that opened up doors,” she said. “Although I had been out of prison, and I had served my time, I was still on probation and I still felt like there was a hold on me. So I was still kind of embarrassed. But once I wrote the book, it became like an outlet for me. It allowed me to be transparent.”
The book, titled Consequences, was based on Perkins’s own story — which she only revealed upon the book’s release. In that moment, she says, she realized that there were others in her community who were suffering in silence from the obstacles that many formerly incarcerated people face — specifically, not being able to gain employment.
Throughout the next couple of years, Perkins continued to build her family and her career by having another baby, staring a company called Swimmie Caps and ultimately making the decision to pursue her doctorate degree. All the while, she was helping formerly incarcerated men and women find jobs, which eventually informed her dissertation.
Dwight, Bella, Dwight III and Yolanda Perkins. (Photo courtesy of Yolanda Perkins)
“There were multiple points that my dissertation was rejected because I was still trying to go around the issue of not even highlighting anything about incarceration,” Perkins says of her realization that her past was an important part of improving her work. “I need to focus on something that’s important to me, and that means a lot to me. And it was about incarceration. And then from there, I had to identify what about incarceration. So then I chose to focus on the success rates.”
Through her early research, Perkins determined that a lot of works had focused on men — so she aimed to fill that gap. “I just wanted to showcase that women can be successful after prison,” she says. “Life is not over after incarceration.”
Now, she’s an example of just that. After graduating with an additional master’s degree and her PhD from Nova Southeastern University on June 14, she showcased her difficult journey in graduation photos taken by a friend and photographer, Heather Sperrazza.
“I did not anticipate the pictures to look the way they did, but she was able to express that, yes I was incarcerated but I never stopped even after that,” Perkins says.
Perkins graduated from Nova Southeastern University with her PhD on June 14. (Photo courtesy of Yolanda Perkins)
Perkins’s story gained more attention as a result of her unique graduation photos, as well as an audience fit for her next business venture: an app for formerly incarcerated people that focuses on finding employment more easily.
“I want to stop this cycle,” she says. “I want to be able to provide a one-stop shop for returning citizens. I want it to be able to provide active resources.”
The idea, which she plans to roll out this fall after gaining funding, goes beyond connecting with companies actively hiring formerly incarcerated candidates. It also aims to ensure that candidates who have been isolated in prisons have the means to even put together a resumé, so ultimately, somebody can get a second chance just as Perkins had.
While working to bring that dream to life, however, Perkins says that she’s keeping busy raising her children, Dwight III, 8, and Bella, 6, in addition to running Swimmie Caps and preparing to release a second book. At the end of the day, however, the 39-year-old has to remind herself that acknowledging her past and the struggles that she faced is all a part of moving successfully to her future.
“It’s a part of me, it’s a part of my life,” Perkins says, “and I have to talk about it.”
The first time I heard the term ‘bullshit rules’, I remember thinking to myself ‘wait, bullshit what?’ BULLSHIT-RULES. You know what they are? They are these set of unwritten rules that the world expects us to live by but when you really break them down, you find out that the rule is really just bullshit. So Vishen Lakhiani (Founder of MindValley) decided to term them Bullshir-Rules and I’m going to attempt to whole idea to you.
Man, by being is programmable and I’ll tell you what I mean in a sec. If you strip down the things you generally hold to be true, to be your beliefs – you will notice that most of the things you believe are not a result of your conscious or rational choosing. You have grown to believe many things through programming, imitation and indoctrination. You basically believe a lot of things because you were told at some point in your life that that’s just how life is.
This would have been alright if the beliefs passed on were consistently beneficial, but this is not always the case – matter of fact, it rarely is.
As infants we are born without beliefs, with no real concept of right or wrong, good or bad. Society tells us what is acceptable and what is not. Culture determines what length a boys’ hair should be, parents dictate who they expect us to be friends with, and what they think we should study. Religion is clear on who makes a satisfactory spouse and who does not.
If you really really think about it, we are largely a product of our programming, yes there are exceptions but by and large many of us are still living the lives that someone somewhere told us to live.
“We have taken our definitions of what is acceptable and what is not from people other than ourselves imagining that they know more about our lives than we”.
Now I understand the place of parents, teachers and others in authority over us and they are very much needed but we must not be oblivious of the fact that it is very easy for them to pass on their beliefs to us; whether these beliefs are necessary for our growth or not. To be really honest, a lot of their beliefs are bullshit and you really need to chuck them, hold on to what serves you only.
The thing with beliefs is that they are fact. Whatever you believe becomes ‘fact’ for you so it is possible that you can live your whole life living someone else’s beliefs and experiencing the life that goes with it. How uncool.
If your beliefs aren’t even yours, then are you yourself at all? Makes you wonder why there’s so many people running around with no sense of identity, no knowledge of who they are. They have relied on others to decide who they are and therefore who they can become – it is a tragedy really.
But NOT today!!!
Today we are crushing all bullshit rules and making up new rules to replace them. I do apologize for all the swear words in this post if it hurts your senses, there are just a few more to come and we’ll be done – I promise.
To attempt a definition – a bullshit rule is a belief about yourself or life that you have always believed to be true even if it isn’t necessarily. It’s mostly negative and a result of unintentional or intentional indoctrination. Here are a few bullshit rules we need to get rid of today.
Bull-Shit rule 1
To make money, you have to work really really really hard. Hard work is important but don’t get stuck thinking that unless you sweat and toil, you cannot have the success or the money you want. Just look around you, too many examples to be a fluke.
Bull-Shit rule 2
To be a happy and successful woman, you need a man – Nobody should ever NEED anyone other than themselves to make them happy. You don’t NEED anyone, you might want ‘em because really what would life be without men…heheehe..
Bull-Shit rule 3
I need to go to school to make any money – Education is important, but you do not always need the four walls of a room to learn. You 100% percent need education but it does not have to come in the form of a college degree. Your knowledge is not less valuable just because it didn’t come with a certificate. You feel me?
Bull-Shit rule 4
She is less of a woman because she did not physically birth a child – This is bullshit and that’s all I’m saying about that.
I know how sensitive this is and I say it with utmost consideration for all concerned but it’s just not true and it’s painful to see people feel less than themselves for something they have no control over. This one pains me on a personal level. Chuck this BS rule quickly.
Bull-Shit rule 5
Money is the root of evil – if you believe this then you will stay far away from money. How do you think something is evil and keep trying to get it? It’s counter-intuitive. Money is great, its what you do with it that makes it either evil or good.
Bull-Shit rule 6
I can’t make money from doing what I really love – oohhh, watch me and you can too. Might take a little time and cost a lot but it is possible. There are too many life examples for it not to be possible.
I can go on but where’s the fun in that? Get in on the gist and let us know what bull shit rules you will be chucking today. Remember if it doesn’t serve you, chuck it. *singing* …bad energy stay far away…
About Olachi Olatunji
Hey, my name is Olachi and I like to refer to myself as a ‘thinking enthusiast.’
I love a few things, number one of them being learning and number two would be spreading.
I believe in the power of right thinking to transform lives and as a result; I enjoy spreading knowledge, inspiring thinking and encouraging movement.
I however am not a very serious person so please don’t expect to find me in a suit… In a crowd with beating music though, find me somewhere in the middle – moving to the beat and filling my soul with joy.
I am not a member of this church, and sadly I only heard about them after the allegations against their founder started.
I woke up Friday morning to several posts, reposts and reactions (good and bad) on social media, all of them about Busola Dakolo’s four-part interview, during which she recounts the rape incidents (yes incidents, plural – it happened twice) she suffered from Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo, the Senior Pastor of COZA Ministries, one of Nigeria’s mega protestant churches.
This issue of rape/sexual assault, especially on the heels of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, is met with mixed reactions whenever it comes up. It’s either the survivor is immediately believed and has a lot of people supporting him/her, or the allegations and stories are met with flat out disbelief, and then some people proceed to call the survivor all sorts of names. Victim blaming commences, and the survivor ends up being shamed into silence and regrets ever speaking up. Then there are those that are sort of on the fence about it, who first try to make sense of the story by asking as many questions as possible before they decide who and what to believe.
When I saw the interview itself, I wasn’t that surprised. I sort of saw it coming, because her husband, Timi Dakolo, had previously spoken out about the issue of rape/sexual abuse by pastors, and had called out this pastor specifically, several weeks ago. Busola herself had also put up a peculiar post on Instagram just yesterday that I took to mean something big was coming.
The issues surrounding sexual abuse and rape, its prevalence, lack of justice/punishment for the perpetrators, report time, consent, and the culture of silencing and shaming of victims are currently being addressed across all social media platforms, and are perhaps a topic for a different day. However, some of the reactions to Busola’s interview that I have seen are what have me riled up.
Not surprisingly, a lot of people cannot bring themselves to begin to process or fathom that a religious figure (pastor, priest, bishop, nun, etc.) could ever engage in such shameful, criminal (and sinful) behaviour. Crazy, right? But I understand it because:
1. Cognitive dissonance: psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously (Merriam-Webster dictionary). This is usually for friends and family of the perpetrator, or those that hold them in high regard. 2. Some people have sadly undergone the same abuse, and are not ready to acknowledge what happened to them. 3. Some people have unfortunately tied the basis of their faith and spirituality to these religious figures, and so acknowledging or believing such allegations will shake their faith. This is what I want to address today.
We are all human beings. Men of God included. Yes, they might read/understand the Bible more than others. Yes, they are charismatic and know how to get a message across. Yes, they might be able to get spiritual revelations, or possess certain gifts of the Holy Spirit. But, at the end of the day, they are just men. In fact, if anything, they are in a better position to be the perpetrators of such sexual misconducts. Why? Because, among many reasons:
1. Rape is about power, and they possess tremendous power. 2. They believe they will get away with it, because for so long, they have. 3. Rape, sometimes, is a crime of opportunity, and between the adulation and undue attention they get from their followers, the opportunity will present itself somehow, and they will take advantage of it.
I am not a member of this church, and sadly I only heard about them after the allegations against their founder started. So, I sympathise with anyone whose world seems shaken by this. But, please, let us all remember that these people are only human beings like you and me. They are not God, they are only a mouth-piece, and no one is above sin or mistakes. Please, please, please, do not let your faith in God be shaken by this.
I am Catholic, proudly so. And yes, the Catholic Church has had its own share of sex scandals that spans centuries, especially involving the sexual abuse of younger boys by priests. I have also had my fair share of abuse and molestation from religious figures that occurred when I was much younger (sometimes in my own home), and I only recently opened up to my family and friends about it. And no one had no clue.
When we are able to see past their titles and positions, one thing is clear: sexual assault/rape can happen to anyone, by anyone, anywhere, and at any time. Hopefully, when we all come to this realization, we can better prevent, manage and tackle these issues so that they don’t keep happening, and so that the perpetrators don’t go unpunished.
I commend Busola for speaking her truth. It takes a special kind of courage and bravery to speak up about something like this, especially considering her status in the society, and being a mom of three not-so-young kids. I hope she is able to find healing and peace from this. Also, kudos to her husband, Timi, for standing by her and putting himself and his reputation out there for the greater cause.
I sincerely hope that as a country, we are able to finally hold powerful people accountable, and that this man is brought to justice. And if indeed there is a different side to this story (I highly doubt it – this is not the first allegation against him), then said pastor should come out and tell it.
“They’re not familiar with the [black] hair,” she told 60 Second Docs. “I saw that this might be something where I can empower them.” The documentary has been viewed more than 3.5 million times since its May 15 premiere, according to Popsugar.
She started the company in 2010 with three clients. Since then, she’s served more than 500 families. Swint offers several styles ranging from $40 to $150. She also hosts workshops for parents who want to learn how to do their children’s hair.
“I saw the need for this kind of service as more whites and other non-black families adopted black children,” Swint told Oak Park in March. “A big misconception a lot of blacks have about whites adopting black children is that they don’t care about these kids and that’s just not true.”
Laura Basi, mother to a pair of twins, is thankful for Styles 4 Kidz because Black hair resources are scarce in her country.
“I want to learn how to care for my children’s hair and this is the best place for me to learn how to do that. I live in Batavia where there’s not any place I can take them for hair care,” Basi said. “Adopting these two has been a positive experience for my family. We adopted them when they were five days old.”
The organization also allows Basi to socialize with other parents.
“I know soon it will be time to send them to school and that is something my husband and I are discussing now,” she continued. “I know there are things I won’t be able to relate to when it comes to blacks and that’s why I am learning as much as I can, from as many people as I can.”
The kids are also enthusiastic about their new hairdos.
“We’ll go there and give them haircuts and braid hair. You would be amazed how much self-confidence these children gain once their hair is looking good,” said Swint. “Seeing the smiles on their faces when we leave is a wonderful feeling.
Twins, Tia and Tyra Smith recently graduated from Chicago’s Lindblom Math and Science Academy with 4.0 GPAs and secured the title of co-valedictorians.
The 18-year-old sisters each excelled in 12 Advancement Placement courses, including U.S. history. In fact, they both juggled five AP classes in their final year of high school.
“I was like, ‘No, I’m not approving this. That’s not a stress level I’m comfortable with,’” Lindblom guidance counselor April Weathers told the Chicago Sun-Times.“What did they get? Straight A’s.”
For their senior year, Tia and Tyra launched two major projects at Lindblom: the academy’s first Black history, student art-featured gallery, titled “More than 28,” and a community health campaign for kidney disease.
Both sisters credit their achievements to hard work, encouraging one another and consistent communication with teachers.
“I think we’re successful, because of ourselves and because we’ve worked together throughout all these years,” Tia said. “I think it makes sense to do this together.”
Though they both will be studying theater this fall, Tia will attend Duke University while Tyra will enroll at Northwestern University.
Both have been awarded a total of $5 million in scholarship funds.
“Their achievement did not come as a surprise because we’ve been working with them at a very early age,” the sisters’ mother, Lemi-Ola Erinkitola, told Good Morning America. Erinkitola is an educator, author and founder of The Critical Thinking Child, which provides consulting and tutoring services to children, educators and families.
“It was very, very emotional and goes beyond just the title. It was the fact that they can share that platform together and a memory they can carry throughout their journeys in life.”
While neither sister knows exactly where their path will take them, Tyra said she has her eyes set on “be[ing] happy,” and Tia wants to dive into the world of theater, making it “more accessible” for the masses.
