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Women of Rubies

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Your body has become a canvas of red, blue, and black.

Your mind has become a wasteland wrecked by cruel words that fall like hail.

Yet you stay!

You’ve built an altar to that which loathes you (…)

My mind says I should make this a poem.

Loving someone that hates you is stupid, not romantic. Toni Braxton’s “Let It Flow”, which was one of the soundtracks of the movie “Waiting to Exhale”, is very apt for people in abusive romantic relationships.

It goes:

You see the thing ‘bout love is that it’s not enough if the only thing it brings you is pain. There comes a time we could a make a change. Just let go. Let it flow. Everything is going to turn out right… We all demand respect, but we can’t get respect without change… Sometimes love can work out right; sometimes you’ll never know. But if it brings only pain in your life, don’t be afraid to let it go.

When Toke Makinwa published her storm-raising memoir, some of us read it and blamed Toke for staying in an abusive relationship. They make it seem as though walking out of an abusive relationship is as easy as eating ipekere. People are stuck in Stockholm.

Emotional Stockholm syndrome is a real thing; however, people that trivialise mental health will dispute this.

Then again, some people romanticise abuse. If you are in doubt, listen to the lyrics of Niyola’s “Toh Bad”. The song goes: “But sometimes it kills me – the kind of things that you do. I’m trying not to cry. Tears are hard to fight. It is hard to let you go (…) I’ve tried to run away from you baby. How can I live without you?”

Well, for starters, there are several reasons, varying from person to person, that explain why people – men and women – stay in abusive romantic relationships. Unfortunately, love is not one of the reasons. Other sinister, negative emotions make us stay. When you consider these factors (emotions), you might not be so quick to victim-blame anyone in an abuse romantic relationship.

Below are few reasons that explain why women stay in abusive romantic relationships:

The first is fear. Fear clips your wings before you know you have the ability to fly. Some of us in abusive relationships are scared of the unknown. The concept of starting anew with someone else could be petrifying. Something about change, a break from routine, is quite daunting. The married ones among us begin to fear what society would say. Society places such importance on marriage, and when your marriage fails, it sees you as a failed woman. There is fear of financial security, too. Not having personal financial strength could hold back a person from leaving an abusive relationship. It could be that he/she gets certain benefits from the abuser.

In a twisted way, imagining our lover in someone else’s arm could stir jealousy in the pit of our stomachs, and we just stay to see if we can it better. Also, feeling we have invested much into a romantic relationship makes us try to make it work. “We have come so far and I just can’t quit. I can’t leave a house because the windows are shattered. I have to stay and fix it.” That is what some people say. But houses are not people. You can fix a house; you cannot fix a person.

Pity is another factor that contributes to people staying with abusive partners. Lover goes on to quote Chicago’s song. “If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me. Baby, please, don’t go”.  Abusers are manipulative. They know the right things to say to guilt-trip us into staying with them. We pity them and feel obligated to stay behind because they make it seem as though they have built their world around us.

At times, it could be that a woman is “dickmatised”. The sex is just so good and she does not want to leave. It happens. Talk about toxic, chemical romance.

People in abusive relationships believe they stay for love, but in the real sense, dark emotions are at play. Leaving is not always easy.

Then again, should we feel pity for women that DECIDE to stay in abusive relationships? From the onset, your sixth sense would tell you the person is bad for you. Tell-tale signs float before your eyes. Watch the way they react to other women, especially sex workers. Asides that, it could be that they are manipulative. They seek to control you, too. The prospective lover shows signs of misogyny – talks down your achievements; patronises you; doesn’t listen to you and respect your perspectives; asserts masculinity to the point it stifles you (that is if it is a heterosexual love affair); sees you as a body, not a mind; becomes too possessive. You can’t miss these signs. You don’t stick your finger in fire when you know it is hot, right?

For me, the best we can do for loved ones in abusive romantic relationships is to drag them out of it, because they are not thinking straight. In fact, at that point, your words are like water flowing into a sieve.

Leaving is hard – it is going to hurt so bad, but we all have to leave toxic relationships for the sake of our sanity.

P.S. This post refers to all types of abuse – physical, emotional, and sexual.

P.P.S. Many types of relationship hurt us. They could be romantic, filial, business, or platonic, you name it. There is no point staying in situations that don’t favour us. Maybe we are scared to leave out of fear of the unknown. But “if you never try, you’ll never know”.

P.P.P.S. Men are also victims of abuse in different relationships, but society seems to dismiss and mock men that speak up; hence, men are compelled to suffer in silence, not vent their pain. We need to stop ridiculing men that speak up. Having a penis doesn’t mean one should suffer in silence. Men should be vocal about their issues.

P.P.P.P.S. I’m in an abusive relationship with Arsenal. Why haven’t I left? I don’t even complain about the club anymore because it doesn’t make sense. I mean, I can quit, but I have decided to remain. There is Chelsea and Barca, but look at me. Why do I keep hurting my feelings by myself? Kanu Nwankwo that made me fall in love with Arsenal is no more there, but here we are.

 

Cisi Eze

About Cisi Eze

Cisi is a freelance writer and 2D animator. To kill boredom, she reads anything and everything in sight. Cisi wants to bring positive social change in Nigeria by provoking people to rethink and reconsider certain beliefs they have clutched to their chests like it were a medal. She aims to do this through every form of art at her disposal. Cisi lives in Lagos, Nigeria

Source: Bellanaija

Thhere is a trending topic on Nigerian Twitter today and it has been quite interesting to see the different responses and opinions.

The trending topic is the “obligation” on guys to sort out the transportation of their lady friend whenever she visits. Should it be an obligation?

Share your thoughts and see some tweets from TwitterNG on our website

Wearing minimal make-up and with her long, dark hair loose, Shade, who has made sure her life was never a round of dinner parties and social engagements and visits to clothiers and jewellers, says, “since I assumed office as MD of Eleganza Industrial City, I have repositioned the company positively. Eleganza Industries Limited had suffered a major setback in the past, but because my husband, Chief Rasak Okoya, has a passion for the industry, the company came back on board again, bigger and better as Eleganza Industrial City Limited and the new direction is moving towards being a foremost producer of chairs, tables, coolers, baby diapers sanitary pads, luggage, pet bottles, soaps spanning over not just West Africa, but its product will also be exported all over the world.”

She is responsible for the day-to-day management of the company, which started operation in 2012 situated on over 35 hectares expanse of land along the Lekki Epe Expressway.

She gestures to one of her staff to bring a catalogue containing the company’s work, and says softly, “my business acumen and encouragement from my husband has always placed me on my feet. I also thank God for the good health, because without sound health I can’t do anything or plan.”

Born in Lagos on April 25, 1977, into the family of the late Alhaji Taju and Alhaja Nimota Adeleye, from Ijebu Ode in Ogun State, Folashade had her early education in Lagos, where she grew up. She read Banking and Finance at the Lagos State Polytechnic, Isolo, where she bagged an Ordinary National Diploma (OND). She later studied Sociology at the University of Lagos.

“I grew up in a family, where discipline was the watchword, a family that did not compromise on respect, irrespective of your age. When I grew up under those circumstances, I had no difficulty taking after my grandmother. She was everything to me. May her soul rest in peace,” she says.

The University of Lagos-trained sociologist giggles, “though, people would say that a child brought up by granny would be spoilt, mine was strict.”

The sixth of seven children confesses: “I had a strict, but loving upbringing. My childhood memories are still very fresh. My grandmother was very strict and apart from that, she was a businesswoman. I learnt part of that from her. Majorly, I was determined that I wanted to be a businesswoman when I grow up and make money for myself.”

She says, shrugging slightly, “my grandmother was there for us. I can still remember, in most cases, when I come back from school, my granny will go through my books to ensure that they are complete. Though she was not educated, she embraced education and watched me grow educationally from the cradle. She taught me how to tidy up the house, wash clothes clean and dress neatly.”

According to the lady, “what my grandmother was for us is what my mother is doing for my children. They know their parents are there, but the person the get to see most is their granny.”

She recalls with a wry smile, “my experiences in school were mixed, but I had always been moved by my grandmother to embrace education, remain focused and be prayerful. However, knowing and getting married to my husband catapulted me to my greatness today.”

Best known for her ebullient personality, Shade, who has been bestowed with traditional titles such as, Bewaji of Lagos, Otun Aare Iyalaje of Ajiranland, Yeye Oge of Epe Land and Ajisewa of Oke Ona Egba, has interest in many areas of business. Currently, she is the Managing Director of Eleganza Fashion Products Limited, Eleganza Cruise & Travels Limited, as well as a member Board of Eleganza Group and RAO Investment Property Company Limited.

“One of the greatest challenges of doing business in Nigeria is energy to power the industries, instability of FOREX and the importation of goods that are being produced locally and of high quality. When we were planning all these lines of our business, we never knew Forex was going to be an issue, but we are already in it. We thank God that we are surviving,” she says.

The company has over 2,000 workers thereby providing employment to the citizens of Lagos State and its environs. “Our vision is to be the foremost producer of various household items in Nigeria within the next two years. We also intend to commence the exportation of household items to other African countries.”

She insists, “with good policies on the ground, the business environment will blossom and the economy will improve.” You ask, what has been the greatest challenge of being Mrs Okoya? She says, “I have no challenge being Mrs Okoya. The challenge I have is working in Eleganza as the MD. Things are really difficult in the country now. The economy is not what it used to be. The challenge I have now is being MD of Eleganza Industrial City Company and running it day-to-day.”

She, however, adds: “At the initial stage of our married life, when I looked into the future of the business empire of my husband, but he taught me how to make use of every minute and today, I’m singing another song of success got from hard work and dedication to duties.”

She adds: “I’ve always looked forward to being a businesswoman. Being married to my husband has added to that. I don’t believe in failing. I get a little bit shy of failure. I don’t want to fail in whatever I tried to do. It’s a is a no-go area for me.”

Being married to the industrialist and businessman, Chief Rasaq Akanni Okoya CON, the Chairman and Chief Executive of the Eleganza Group of Companies, however, will pale to insignificance, if she is not a hard worker.

“These days, young people think that to get married to a wealthy man is to eat, spend money and be laid back. I don’t believe in the phrase ‘be pretty, sit down and enjoy.’ My husband made it very clear to me that he was not going to get married to a lazy person. So, I got my priorities right from the day one,” Shade enthuses.

Was it love at first sight for her and her husband?
“It wasn’t love at first sight because I was really young then. He didn’t pretend about the whole thing when he met me. He saw and liked me. He told me he wanted to marry me. I don’t know for him, but for me, it wasn’t love at first sight. I liked him as a person and he was really generous. Those were the qualities and attributes that contributed to where we are now,” the mother of four beautiful children says.

Both of them got married 18 years ago and every day has been love, love and love. She explains, “I met him at a really young age and he liked me and we both respected each other. He is generous to a fault and always very caring. I thank God for my life and it has been 18 years all along. I wish that he would be around for many more years in good health. He is my chairman and I work under him, he gives me my daily bread and thousands of others. I love working for him. Apart from the fact that when I finish from work, I have a wonderful home to go to, I have a happy family. My husband is amiable, full of fun and loving. There is never a dull moment being with him. I must confess that I’m fortunate to have my husband; he is very loving, caring and understanding. My advice to young ladies is to pray to God to lead them to the love of their heart.”

The hardworking wife has not allowed her busy schedules to affect the home, being a parent and her responsibility to domestic obligations. Shade jokes and chats with her children, while simultaneously tidying up, cooking a meal and checking their homework before going to bed.

Just like what my grandmother did for me, that’s what my mother is doing for my children.
“I create time for my family,” she says.

Is she an extrovert or introvert?
She draws a long laugh and says, “I don’t know. I’m both. I’m reserved and also an extrovert. I’m shy to a fault and people take my shyness to mean arrogance. I’m social, accommodative, and I hate to keep words in my mind. I believe that postponed issues remain inconclusive. With this practice, I trash issue and move forward.”

She enjoys attending parties and social functions. She also likes dressing fine, “because I’m a fashionista and a role model for other upcoming female entrepreneurs and high flyers.”

Gossips don’t get to Folashade. She says, “it’s only idle minds that gossip. I know what I do and I believe that people close to me know who I am. Gossips don’t get to me in any way.”

For Mrs. Okoya, “Nigerians are very lovely people, who are ready to render helping hands at times of needs. Very respectful and beautiful people. But I dislike the young ones taking the short route to riches, killing of innocent souls, stealing, fighting and quarrelling. I hate the corruption, fraud and the get-money-quickly spirit.”

On her beauty routine, she has this to say: “I don’t spend time on making myself up, let me correct that impression. I work in the factory, and our offices are still being constructed. I spend about 10 hours here on a daily basis, so, what kind of beauty routine do you expect other than getting home and hitting the bed. I’m a housewife and mother; so, I have to cook for the family. The kind of work I do here trims me naturally. I don’t have to go to the gym for anything else. I don’t compromise on what I want to eat. I’m particular about my food. If you eat right, you will look right.”

Shade Okoya’s hobbies include, cooking – and she loves everything about beans. “I used to eat a lot beans – gardening and travelling. Her best destination is Las Vegas.

The fashionable woman, highly sociable and generous, is also a renowned philanthropist and she is very supportive of her members of staff. She has also built a commendable bridge of good relationship not just with her family but also across the society.

She has been bestowed with awards such as, Most Valuable Business Executive of the Year, in 2014, conferred on her by the board of trustees and Advisory Council of International Centre for Corporative Leadership for African and Blacks in Diaspora, Accolades International Magazine Limited Glamour Woman of the Year Award in 2016 by the Association of Media Woman Rewarding Excellence Women and Change Ambassador by Centre of Change in Community Development & Public Awareness – Dr Joe Odumakin Partnership programmes with United Nation.

She was also given a Lifetime Achievement Merit Award 2015 by Intern Center for Comparative Leadership for African Blacks in Diaspora Newline Communication and Style Personality of the Year 2012 by the Glams ‘n’ Essence. She is also that Patron of FADAN Association of Nigeria and has a Doctor of Science DSC (Honoris Causa) in Business Management and Corporate leadership by the senate of European American University.

Source: Guardian

Hi Ladies,

It’s another Saturday, lots of weddings to attend and someone out there might just be feeling left out because it’s not their turn, or they might be feeling left out because they don’t have a “Bae”, whereas this shouldn’t be the case. To buttress my point, I’ll say this….

“Marriage doesn’t solve your Loneliness, so don’t rush into Marriage because you are lonely. There are so many Lonely-Married people and you don’t want to be one of them.”

You see, I have heard a lot of singles ladies say they are lonely because they are not in a relationship like some of their peers, some of them also feel the solution is to get married but I disagree because Marriage is not the solution to loneliness. I have heard of many cases where a Wife is so lonely and lacks companionship in her home, despite being married and living with her spouse. So, please ladies, don’t rush into marriage because it’s trending or because you attend weddings every Saturday and feel like it’s the next achievement on your bucket list. Marry because you are ready and because you are fully prepared for what it entails. Trust me, it’s beyond a 6-hour event, so please prepare. If you feel lonely, get busy. Get involved in productive activities, go on holiday, hang out with good friends, watch a movie; read a book and work on your purpose. Enjoy the free time you have now and maximise it. Don’t let your age / family pressure you. Relax, be patient; you will get married at the right time according to God’s will.

Have a blessed / restful weekend. ❤️????

Feeyi Okupe

It doesn’t take much to be more attractive right now. You may feel that there’s little you can do to change how attractive you are. However, there are small changes that anyone can do with little time and effort that can influence the way people perceive how attractive you are.

Do these 7 things to make people think you’re more attractive than you actually are.

Avoid small talk

Experiments have been done that compare people who talk about surface issues with people who talk about deeper topics. These studies show that people who talk about themselves, their beliefs or their passions believe that their partners are more attractive than those who discuss the weather or other shallow subjects.

Eye contact

When you meet someone new, note what color their eyes are. You will look into their eyes just a bit more than you normally would. That extra eye contact can make you appealing to the other person.

Personal hygiene

There’s no accounting for what a good shower can do for your attractiveness. You smell better, your hair looks nicer, and it shows that you value yourself. Also, don’t forget to brush those teeth, trim that beard, and use deodorant. These things will do wonders.

Hand gestures

People rate those who use hand gestures as more engaging and confident, characteristics that are valued. Use hand gestures to up your attractiveness.

Dress well

You might not have control over how your nose looks (barring any plastic surgery related modifications), but you can decide what clothes go on your body. Believe it or not, what you choose to wear has a great effect on the level of your attractiveness. In fact, even if you’re not a particularly gorgeous gal, people will think you’re more attractive if you dress well.

Smile

People who smile are rated as more attractive than those who don’t so if you want to be better looking, just show those pearly whites.

Play hard to get

At least for men, this can be a useful tactic. Studies show that women are more likely to be interested in men when they can’t figure out whether or not he’s interested in them. It’s hypothesized that this is because women think a lot about the guy while trying to figure out if he likes them. Because she is thinking so much about the guy, the she concludes that she must like him.

Smell good

Having a nice scent triggers people’s brains to make you seem more attractive over all. A small spritz of perfume or cologne can make you seem better looking.

Asandia Hogan is poised to become the first female chairperson of Calabar Municipality. She is the first woman to ever vie for this position.​

Born on August 25, 1981, Asandia Bassey Asuquo Hogan is a mother, wife and businesswoman from Ikot Nsisuk, Ward 6 of Calabar Municipality, who was able to carve out a niche for herself in the fashion industry.

According to a popular social analyst, Asandia brings a fresh outlook to the politics of Calabar municipality and Cross River as a whole. Her youthfulness, and background in both the private and public sector for the past 20 years comes to bear. Her boisterous ideologies about life could be that fresh breath that Calabar municipality needs.

Calabar, the capital of Cross River State, is the tourism capital of Nigeria. Administratively, the city is divided into Calabar Municipal and Calabar South LGAs. Everyone knows there is something about Calabar. They just can’t really place it, but they know it. There is something about the people and their food. Asandia is a true-to-type Calabar woman.

Asandia’s bold bid to take the reins of Calabar politics has prompted questions from different quarters. How thick is the line between fashion and politics? Doesn’t she look out of place at the corridors of power? Wouldn’t her swing to politics destroy what friends, fans and family have always known her to be? Could she possible bring some style to the government quarters owing to her background in fashion designing?

She did not just find herself in politics, as many would assume. She has been a member of The People’s Democratic Party (PDP) since 2008 after she came back from studying Marketing and Public Relations (BA) in England. Her mother has a political history of her own too; she was the PDP Deputy Woman Leader South-South political zone till her death in 2001.

Social analysts believe that her strength lies in her being an astute business woman, wife and mother. These roles she juggles effortlessly, lends credence to her suitability for the job. As the first woman to ever vie for this political seat, she has garnered the support of feminists, humanists, rights groups, the youth and other similar groups. This has already become evident in the kind of support she has been getting across different social and political platforms.

 

 

Eniola Lawal popularly known as Earniewhine is a young, smart and vibrant fast rising TV personality.

Rockstargirl as she likes to call herself is one of the very few that finds their purpose in life very early and hers is MEDIA.

Embarked in the media at age 18, she set out tp prove to the world that ‘age, education,  situation, background or anything for that matter shoud not be a reason to not get it right’ and that has always kept her focused on ‘getting it right’.

She has never for once stood down since she ventured into Print media as a columnist in 2012, her insatiable zeal took her from there to becoming a contributing blogger & vlogger at www.romancemeetslife.com and a radio co-host on Unilag fm afterwards.

In 2015, she joined the Rave Tv channel team as a presenter and segment producer.

Presently she hosts MUSE ON TV alongside two other media personalities on AIT, STV & PLANET TV.

Earniewhine is not an exception of the saying that every big dream starts small, she is set to launch her first project as a media entrepreneur in the second quarter of the year under her media company, a content production outfit.

Earniewhine worked in a real-estate firm for couple of years and also served as a Red-bull energy drink brand ambassador.

Meet Earniewhine, the sweet-sassy modern-day hustler who is set to take the media by storm.

Suicide is not an option, because there are better alternatives. Find your reasons to live and seek professional help as needed.

Depression and poor mental/emotional health are the main contributing factors to suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Suicide isn’t something anyone should consider and it needs to be addressed from a perspective of hope; that things will get better, people do love and care about you and that there are many other options.

Suicide should never be an option. Getting healthy by seeking professional help is what really needs to happen.

Healing our inner scars will alleviate those thoughts, feelings and tendencies.

  1. There is always hope

Life really does suck sometimes, and other people’s behaviors and choices affect us. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can see the ripples in my life from being violated and hurt as a child. Sometimes we think the only way to stop hurting, to stop feeling the weight and pain left in the wake of abuse, is to leave this life behind. But it’s not true. That’s a lie Satan wants us to believe.

Because of our Savior Jesus Christ we can heal, and we can stop feeling the pains of abuse.

We have hope.

We have options.

2. We are not what happened to us

We are loved by God who knows who we are and what we need. We can use His love and all other resources available to find peace and heal. You’re never alone.

Put these reasons in a prominent place and refer to it when you’re struggling and continue to add to the list. There are always reasons to keep living. And if you can’t find one, ask someone close to you to help you see all the reasons why you are needed.

Here are just 12 reasons I choose life over suicide

My six children (who could really count as individual reasons), who are not perfect, but are incredible little humans.

My patient husband, who is also not perfect, but tries hard and loves me despite myself.

My faith in God.

I have goals I want to complete before my life is complete.

I’m stronger than I think I am.

My close friends who enrich my life and encourage me to keep going.

I have overcome a lot to get where I am now.

I refuse to let the actions of others control my life.

Without pain, I couldn’t experience joy. If I’m in pain, I know joy is around the corner.

I want to help others know they’re not alone.

I like progressing and improving and I can’t do that without being alive.

Suicide would be letting a lot of people down- my family, my friends and myself. And, of course, God who doesn’t want any of us to give up.

What are your 12 (or more) reasons to keep on living? Write them down! Share them with a friend! Remind yourself frequently of every reason you have to stay alive.

Don’t give up, my friends. Suicide is not the answer. It will get better, you will overcome; you will heal. You are stronger than you know and you have so many people on earth and in Heaven rooting for you, cheering you on. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to cry out in prayer. You are loved. Don’t give up. You have many other, much better options. Reach out and seek help.

Please, if you are having suicidal thoughts and/or actions, seek help from a professional, or a friend or family member who will take you seriously and assist you in finding the professional help you need.

Source: Familyshare