’Stupid man, e be like say you don craze for head there!’’

‘’No, na your papa own this road abi. Na why you dey do anyhow. No be your fault. Wakaa!!!’’

These were the likely regular conversations I hear in public transport. I, not being so knowledgeable in driving couldn’t just see the justification in exchanging words on the road. I ask myself, ‘’Where are your manners, oh ye son of man?’’

Well, soon enough, I got to share in these little road dramas as I experienced them in 3D. I mean, I have always itched to drive. The multiple knocks and shouting ontop of my head during the driving lessons from my beloveth elder brother were not discouraging enough to have me back down driving.

You must be thinking driving in Abuja is some easy-peasy akara and bread task. Wrong! You see, this City, Abuja probably has the most notorious and last nerve breaking set of careless motorists. No day passes by without meeting at least one of them on the roads.

So, I’ve decided to group the type of drivers I’ve encountered in Abuja. You can include your experience(s) without limiting to Abuja.

• Double-gamers‘’I’m waking up this morning to annoy impending drivers and ensure they tail behind me,’’ are the likely words they say to themselves with a huge smirk. This driver loves to drive between two lanes so they can easily bend to the favourable lane when need arises. No amount of honks deter this guy from spreading his car wheels between two lanes because he loves to see people riled up.

1.  
2. I also call them cheats and indecisive motorists.

• Elephants/Honkers 

1. These are road bullies. They’ll ensure you get confused on the road, ram somehow into the vehicle before you or just fall into a ditch. They can see clearly there’s a traffic light stop or you’re held up by some factors but continue to honk into your ears incessantly as though you love to breathe in Abuja air, watch pedestrians and vehicles pass by.

• You-must-notice-my-hallogen-lights  

1. *sigh. Kilode, na only you waka come?
2. I’m still trying to understand why drivers flash their headlamps at other drivers during day or night. These ones will almost blind you at night. To show effectiveness of their headlamps? No? To bring attention to the model of their cars? No? To overtake? Whatever happened to honking once?

• Smarty Pants 

1. Ah! These ones think other motorists are dumb and unnecessarily slow. They’re brothers to the Elephants. They lack patience to simply follow road instructions. They beat traffic, shont queues and prove rights over obvious road offences. Sometimes, I wish Abuja would incorporate its’ own road enforcement Agencies like LAWMA, LASTMA and the likes. Imagine being unsafe on one-way roads. As a driver, you’ll be forced to look sideways before driving into a one-way road. Yeah, that happens a lot in Abuja.

• Assumptious Amys   

1.  
2. NO, SISTER, I DO NOT KNOW THAT. YOUR INDICATORS ARE NOT THERE FOR FANCY! USE THEM!
3. ‘’Oh! You should know without indications that I’m driving to the left’’.
4. These kinds assume motorists are mind-readers. They think you’re Gaius who’s capable of foreseeing their next actions on the road. They don’t indicate their directions. They swerve and delve into the roads as they desire.

• Confused Cornels  

1. Some of them are frustrated from home, work etc., and transfer the frustration on you who had a great day at work, only to get you frustrated as well, then you transfer to someone else. This becomes ‘’cycle of frustration’’. This is the reason FRSC advises to leave the car if one isn’t in the good state of mind. They are closely related to the angry birds. They yell and scream on the roads at the slightest opportunity.
2. You see, these ones indicate out of the goodness of their hearts. But when indicate wrongly, thereby, misleading the forthcoming vehicles. They indicate and drive the opposite direction. They indicate left but drive to the right. Common!

• Angry Birds   

1. Sorry, but you’re not Jesus to bow at the mention of your name. Thank you.
2. They’re easily the ‘’do-you-know-who-I-am’’ drivers who at the slightest road block or car scratch, let you know their status in the society to threaten and make you shiver at the mention of names.
3. This driver is the offspring of Confused Cornels. They’re naturally aggressive. Abusive words are liberal on their lips. In fact, being sane is much of a luxury to them. They own the road and see it as an inheritance from their fathers. You dare not try to drive between them because it just might land you some hot rounds of insults you never planned to have. They are drama kings and Queens who draw scenes to themselves.

• Slow and steady      

1. Au re voir!
2. Have you been involved in any road drama? How well did you handle it? Do remember to include your classification if not encapsulated.
3. Another lesson is being patient. Patient to give way to the on-coming ‘’superman’’ driver who has probably signed his death wish hours before. The most I do to them is to give some deadly stares to proof a point or mutter silly inaudible words within the confinement of my vehicle. Mans cannot afford to be waylaid on the journey home.
4. Nonetheless, driving here is somewhat interesting. I get to laugh at two confused adults, who struggle to overtake each other. I have also managed to pick a few lesson from motorists. One of the lesson is the ability to control/restrain myself from dishing insults to in-cautious drivers. After all, we all have our excesses on the road.
5. I hear the best way to drive is thinking you’re the only sane driver. Perhaps, if everyone had that thought, we’ll all be weary of other insane drivers and mitigate the high rates of road accidents.
6. They believe slow and steady wins the race. Lewis Hamilton might probably help with that belief.
7. These ones are sloths in human form. They’re not learners but are extremely slow in driving. They delay other drivers and almost cause a long trail of traffic. Why stay on the fast lane since driving is your leisure or hobby edakun?

By: Oluwaseyi Efuntoye

Email : sefuntoye@gmail.com

Instagram : @seyyi_