When we’re young, many of us have an idealized image of what our future relationships will be like. We hope and imagine meeting the perfect person, getting on with them flawlessly, having plenty of things in common, and never finding anything to annoy or irritate us, with no arguments or disputes of any kind.
However, after growing up and getting into their first romantic relationships, many people realize that these idealized images are little more than fairy tales. Every couple argues. It’s a natural part of the process of sharing so much of your life with another person; every now and then, you’re going to find things that you don’t agree on or just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and need a little ‘me time’.
But while every other will argue sometimes, it’s important to not let arguments and quarrels become a regular part of your romantic routine. Arguments can get worse as they start to occur more frequently, and it’s important to note that domestic violence isn’t just limited to physical assault; mental and emotional distress caused by one partner to another can be very damaging in the long-term too, so if you’re worried about excessive arguments with your partner, here are some key tips.
One of the first and most important tips to keep in mind when it comes to avoiding nasty arguments or defusing disputes before they turn bad is to try and make your communication as calm and clear as possible.
This means that you should avoid raising your voice, yelling, calling names, or resorting to any other bad habits you may have that don’t actually contribute to any kind of positive outcome or conclusion for you and your partner. Talking calmly and at a reasonable volume can instantly make a big difference.
Listen, Don’t Just Hear
People often argue because they have something they’re unhappy about and want their partner to know about it, but may feel that they aren’t being truly listened to. This is why it’s so important to actually listen to what your partner is saying, rather than simply hearing the words and failing to properly process them.
Too often, people in arguments focus purely on reacting to the last thing the other person said, trying to catch them out or prove them wrong, rather than actually listening, putting themselves in that person’s position, and truly understanding why they’re so upset. Working on your empathy can really help you resolve arguments much faster and help your relationship become healthier too.
Take a Breather
There are many different things you and your partner might argue about. It could be money, which is reportedly one of the most common subjects of dispute and disagreement among couples, or it could be something totally different like your sex life, work-life balance, family matters, etc.
Whatever it is you’re arguing about, don’t be afraid to call for a time out if you feel you need it. This can be a good strategy for many people, especially those who have trouble keeping their tempers under control. Taking a breather and letting yourself cool off could majorly help you avoid saying something you might regret.
Don’t look at an argument as a battle between you and your partner. Don’t see it as something with a winner and a loser or a simple opportunity for one or both of you to yell things at each other. See it as an opportunity. An argument is a sign that something is wrong, but it’s also a sign that at least one of you wants to fix it.
This ties into the previous point about listening; really take the time to focus on what has caused your argument and what you can do to make it better. Taking this constructive, positive approach to disputes can help you and your partner turn a negative experience into something positive that really benefits the pair of you as you move forward as a couple, rather than repeating the argument over and over.
As stated several times above, it’s important to acknowledge and accept that arguments are more or less inevitable. Some couples have more of them than others, and some can argue about the tiniest of matters while others only quarrel over serious subjects. But in any case, when arguments happen, having the right attitude and approach can help you negotiate them more carefully, reducing the risk of any emotional damage on either side and helping you and your partner build something stronger.
When you fall in love, you think that your partner – and your relationship – is perfect, right? The idea that one of you could be emotionally unstable is the farthest thing from your mind. After all, being in love causes your brain to release all sorts of feel-good chemicals that make you feel like you’re on Cloud 9. In fact, when scanned, a person’s brain who is in love looks a lot like a person’s brain who is on cocaine. So, you really are feeling “high” when you’re in love!
However, as most of us know, that feeling of being in Heaven with your new love wears off after a while. Your brain eventually stops creating as many feel-good chemicals, and you slowly start returning back to normal.
In reality, this phase of love doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s just a fact of life.
While some people do go on to live happily ever after, others begin to realize that their supposedly “perfect partner” is not so perfect anymore. In fact, some even come to the realization that their partner is downright emotionally unstable.
Uh-oh. What do you do when that happens? It’s almost unbelievable – literally. How did this person turn into someone you hardly even recognize?
The problem is that you probably still love the person. And if that’s true, how do you deal with your emotionally unstable partner?
Before we discuss how to deal with them, let’s first start by talking about how to recognize the symptoms of an emotionally unstable individual.
Symptoms of Being Emotionally Unstable
All of us have our bad days and our mood swings – it’s just the nature of being human. But how do you know when someone has crossed over the line from having just normal, everyday emotions to being downright emotionally unstable? Here are some of the signs.
Everyone gets angry at times. It’s a normal and natural occurrence for every human being. However, how you express your anger is key to healthy relationships. So, if your partner seems to have outbursts of anger for no apparent reason (or over small things), then that is a sign.
Again, we all have things happen in our lives that we don’t like. But a lot of people just deal with it, try to change things, and move on with their lives. An unstable person, however, will turn their life into unending drama when they don’t need to.
Gaslighting is psychologically manipulating another person into questioning their own sanity. For example, if they told you they would do something, they will deny ever saying it when you bring it up. Then, you wonder if they really said it or if you just imagined it. But that is just one example.
It’s normal for people’s moods to change. No one can be happy 100% of the time, right? But for most, the change in mood is relatively minor. It’s usually dependent on something outside of themselves. But an unstable person could have extreme mood swings for no good reason.
When most people get angry, it’s usually at someone who is close to them. That makes sense, because those are the people with whom we spend the most time. But if your partner frequently yells at a server in a restaurant or other random people, then that is not healthy.
Lack of Empathy
Empathy is the ability to feel what another person feels and to see things from their perspective – not just your own. Emotionally unstable people are generally unable to do this. They only see their own side of a situation.
Tries to “One up” You
They always seem to be in a power struggle with you. For example, if you had a bad day, they will tell you how theirs was worse. Or, if you are having an argument, they will always try to gain the power to “win” and make you lose.
Inability to Admit When They Are Wrong
Emotionally unstable people can’t admit when they are wrong. In fact, admitting they are wrong is a threat to their psychological well-being. It shakes the core of themselves and their self-identity. So, they will never admit “defeat,” even if they secretly know they are wrong.
Sense of Entitlement
They think they deserve everything, and nothing needs to be earned. For example, they demand that you do things for them because they think it’s their right to do so.
Dealing With Problems Irrationally
The best way to deal with problems in relationships is to have both people on the same team, and for them to come up with a mutual solution. However, emotionally unstable people are unable to do this because they only look at things emotionally, not logically.
The intensity with which they express their emotions is extreme. They don’t tend to be moderate in any of their interactions. This may generate a feeling of walking on eggshells around them because you are afraid of their intense communication.
Unstable people don’t ever look in the mirror and take personal responsibility for their actions. Instead, they always point fingers at other people and blame them for everything that is wrong in their lives.
How to Deal With an Emotionally Unstable Partner
Now that we know some of the signs and symptoms of an emotionally unstable person, here are some things you can do to deal with them.
1. Step Back and Observe
Ask yourself if you did anything wrong. Because they tend to gaslight other people (see above), emotionally unstable people have you question your actions and sanity. Be objective, and observe them and yourself. Did you really do anything wrong? Probably not.
2. Get Other People’s Perspectives
Tell your stories to trusted loved ones. Tell them what happens in your interactions, and get their opinion about whether or not your partner is overacting, or if you actually did something wrong. Someone on the outside will likely have a clearer view of what’s going on.
3. Don’t Play Into Their Drama
As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” In other words, someone can’t play a game by themselves. They need another person to participate. But don’t give into their drama. Refuse to engage in it and walk away.
4. Walk Away When They Attack You
If and when they verbally, mentally, or emotionally attack you, just leave the conversation. Don’t allow them to do that to you! Demand that they talk to you nicely, and don’t accept anything less than that. If they can’t give you respect, then end the conversation until they can.
5. Demand Respect
Remind them that how they are speaking to you is unacceptable. One very important thing to remember is this: you teach people how to treat you. Demand that they treat you with respect.
6. Stay Calm
Don’t get sucked into their emotional storms. It’s easy to do because you want to defend yourself, but this just plays into their drama. Try to stay calm and rational because that’s the only way people can talk in a healthy manner.
7. Don’t Fall for Gaslighting
When they try to gaslight you, refuse to accept it. Take notes on things that they tell you and what they do, so you have a record. When they try to deny things to make you look crazy, pull out your record and show them the truth.
8. Suggest Therapy
Many times, an emotionally unstable person cannot get better on their own. Going to a trained therapist or psychologist is something that they should probably do – both on their own, and perhaps as a couple as well.
9. If All Else Fails, End the Relationship
Unfortunately, not all relationships can survive – even under the best of circumstances. If you have tried all you can to fix your relationship and make it healthy with someone who is emotionally unstable, sometimes it’s just time to end the relationship and find someone else that you are more compatible with.
Being in a relationship with an emotionally unstable person is never easy. You feel like you never know how they are going to act or what they’ll say next. But that’s no way to live. Everyone deserves to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Don’t forget to love yourself enough to put yourself and your happiness first!
Although we’d like to believe that our partner would never lie to us, occasionally we get hit with a gut feeling that something just isn’t right. Maybe your partner has been more secretive with their phone. Perhaps they aren’t as talkative as normal. Regardless of the reason, if you’re trying to alleviate your anxiety, here’s how to know if your partner is hiding something.
They’re Hiding Accounts or Transactions
If you used to pay your bills together and your partner now suddenly takes care of the bills before you can see them, they may be hiding something. To find out the truth, visit a website like https://checkpeople.com. For a small fee, you’ll be able to run a background check on your partner. The report gives users a comprehensive report, covering everything from the criminal background to a credit check.
Simply review the accounts posted to their credit report to verify any loans, bank accounts, and credit cards they have in their name. If something doesn’t match what they’ve disclosed to you, they’re hiding something.
They Become Super Defensive
One of the first ways to uncover whether your partner is hiding something is to ask them. Opening the conversation with a calm, rational tone is important. You don’t want to come across as confrontational or manipulative. Start the dialogue with how you’re feeling and build from there.
Make sure to gauge their reaction, particularly if they get triggered or offended. This reaction is either a subconscious defense or an intentional response to avoid how they’re feeling. In a normal, healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable discussing their concerns without the other person blowing up emotionally. When a simple conversation winds up causing defensive behavior or irrational anger, there’s a good chance they’ve got something to hide.
Their Schedule Becomes Unpredictable and Odd
If your partner has always been a creature of habit, sudden changes in routine can be an indicator that something is awry. Changes to exercise routines or personal schedules (like driving into work early) may not be conclusive evidence that your partner is hiding something, but it is worth noticing if it seems to fluctuate.
Often, if a partner is considering an affair, changes to personal appearance are ways of getting more attention from new partners or interests. Pay attention to whether your partner suddenly has an interest in working out, dressing up, or increases their grooming routine. They may be trying to improve their overall health or emotional well being, but it’s worth a conversation if it’s out of character.
They Seem to Overly Compensate
After being with a partner for longer periods, romance and sweet gestures seem to fall by the wayside. This is especially true for couples who have been together long after the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Everyone enjoys affection and sweet gifts but pay attention to when these gifts are given.
While your partner may want to improve the romance within your relationship, it may also be a sign of hiding shady behavior. Purchasing flowers or jewelry randomly makes you feel good. However, if the gift-giving seems to follow a late return home or long business trips, trust your gut if you feel like something is off.
Something Just Doesn’t Add Up
The one problem with lying is the inability to keep up with the stories as time goes on. Eventually, inconsistencies are going to show up as they forget what they told you. Although no one can remember their day in perfect detail, listen for major discrepancies in their story.
If your partner told you he went out for lunch with a few coworkers and the story suddenly changes to not getting lunch at all, there’s a good chance he’s trying to hide something. Feel free to ask him to clarify what he did during his lunch break if the stories don’t add up. If the relationship is going to last, communication and honesty need to be at the front of the relationship.
When you have suspicions that something in your relationship isn’t quite right, it’s always a good idea to try and uncover the truth. Although your suspicion may be entirely unfounded, knowing the truth about any discrepancies or changes in behavior is important when you want to build your future together.
Men lie, women lie. Even kids are quite good at the game, too.
It’s something about the human nature… a way of getting out of a difficult situation, it’s about deceiving people into believing or doing something we want them to do.
For men, the lies told are quite unlimited. In their relationships with wives and girlfriends, 10 lies seem to be so widespread that some now believe that 18 out every 20 men are guilty of these lies.
So what are the lies that men seem to enjoy telling?
1. I’m single
This is a very classic one. Men seem to lie about their relationship/marital status all the time, and if you ask 10 women, about 7 of them will tell you they have been told this lie at least once.
2. I love you
The reason for this is usually to a woman to get into a relationship with them and to make her comfortable enough to have sex with them.
3. It’s only you, I swear
Says the man who has a side-chick somewhere, and a baby mama pregnant with his second illegitimate child.
4. “No sex before marriage”
He’ll say; “I promise not to have sex since that’s what you want” but once you say yes and enter the relationship, it’s a different ball game entirely.
5. “I’ll put just the tip”
When a man tells you he just wants to put ‘only the tip in,’ you know he’s really feeling the konji and would say anything to get laid.
6. “I will not move. Lemme just put it inside”
Another lie like the one above.
7. Sexual prowess
Men are also pretty good at painting a picture of themselves as the ultimate love-making machines.
They whet your appetite and make you ready to open up to them… but when the time comes to actually act on all those fantasies they have created in your head… they’re done in 2 minutes.
8. They lie about their whereabouts
For example, “I’m at home” when they are out with the guys or at their side chick’s place.
9. Lies about money
Unmarried men often try to impress women by lying that they have money, when they actually do not.
Married men lie to their wives that they do not have money, when they actually do.
10. Their source of income
Shout out to the Yahoo boys and other people who can’t proudly tell people about the kind of job they do.
Source: Pulse Ng
To really know that the love in your relationship is genuine or not, here are some of the signs to look out for.
Is the love in your relationship real, or fake?
If it is, all you should do is keep growing the love, keep staying truthful to each other, keep drinking a lot of water, and just keep treating each other in all the good ways that will allow the relationship thrive further.
On the flipside, fake love is not something anyone would want to live with. Sadly, it is exactly what some people have in their relationships. If the relationship is based on anything different from a genuine willingness to see the other person flourish in every sense of the word, if it is based on something fleeting and temporary, then it is likely fake.
To really know that the love in your relationship is fake, here are some things you may want to watch out for:
1. They’re emotionally distant
In a relationship, fakers have a tendency to be non-communicative. They’ll provide little to no substance to what’s going on in their life. They’ll also make excuses why they “couldn’t” communicate especially when it is a little difficult to do so.
The difference between them and someone with genuine love for you is the extra effort needed to reach out when it’s not so easy.
2. Always willing to throw in the towel
Conflict happens in every relationship. It demonstrates a level of care which partner have for one another.
That said, every conflict demands a resolution.If you’re the only one trying to resolve any conflict or problems that arise, it’s often a telltale sign of emotional detachment and this of course, is a major sign you’ll find in people who have got only fake love for you.
They really won’t care whether the relationship works or fails.
3. They don’t meet you halfway
Are you always the one to plan things? Check on the other person? Take responsibilities and all that? If so, what concessions, if any, is your partner making? Where’s the effort on their part?
Relationship and compromise are like two peas in a pod. A lack of effort is a universal sign of disinterest – and a relationship is no different.
An authentic relationship sparks feelings of passion for each other. You’ll be curious, concerned, involved, etc in all that the other person does.
Someone who continuously acts indifferent isn’t engaged, likely detached, and unfit – not to mention unworthy – of a real relationship.
5. That gut feeling
Many times, when someone does not really love you, you will know. There’s usually that sixth sense, that gut feeling in the pit of your stomach that keeps pricking you.
Add this to all the signs that you will see, and the picture is clear that this babe or that guy doesn’t really love you. They’re only with you because they have no option, or for the money or some other fake reason.
Be honest with yourself. Are you wasting your time? Money? Energy?
When you are a child and dream of your “happily ever after,” it never dawns on you that your marriage might not end up that way. I mean, let’s face it – all the Disney movies in the world never, ever hint to the fact that Cinderella and her Prince Charming would ever have any problems, right?
Well, Disney movies aren’t real life. Although we all know this on a conscious level, we still – in our hearts – hope that we will be the exception to the rule. We think that we will be one of the lucky ones who have a lifelong, happy marriage.
However, for many couples, it simply doesn’t happen. Why is that? Well, the reasons are many, which I will go into in a minute. But no one teaches us how to have a loving marriage. And if we didn’t see our parents living happily together, then we really have no model for it.
So, what if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage? How to fix a broken marriage and save your relationship?
Reasons that Lead to a Broken Marriage
I really wish all of us could take a class in school called Relationships 101. But no one is ever formally taught how to have a good marriage (or any relationship for that matter). What is the result? The result is that all of us just sort of fly by the seat of our pants and wing it when it comes to relationships. But if you want to have a happy, healthy, successful marriage, you can’t do that.
Here are some of the causes of a broken marriage.
Everyone says relationships are hard and take a lot of hard work. Well, think about it. Anything in this life that is worth having takes effort, right? I mean, unless you win the lottery, you won’t become rich without hard work.
Relationships are no different. You have to put in effort into your marriage. If you don’t, and are too lazy to keep it alive, it will die.
Many people are selfish to some extent. But when it comes at the price of a healthy marriage, then it’s a problem. You can’t always put your needs first. You have to put your partner’s needs at least equal to – or before – your own. Otherwise, resentment will keep building endlessly.
This goes hand-in-hand with laziness and selfishness. If you are lazy and don’t put in effort, and you are constantly selfish, then you are neglecting your partner – and your relationship as a whole.
Relationships are like plants. If you don’t water a plant, it will die. If you neglect a marriage, it will eventually end as well.
As much as we love them, children are hard on a marriage. If you are honest with yourself, you know it’s true. Children take a lot of time and energy – time and energy that could spent on your marriage. So, when couples don’t stay connected because children get in the way, then your marriage will break down.
Poor Communication Skills
Knowing how to talk to your partner to express your feelings and needs is essential. However, both people need to do the same and have empathy for the other person.
If empathy (the ability to identify with and see the other person’s point of view) doesn’t exist, then it’s virtually impossible to have a healthy marriage.
How to Fix a Broken Marriage (without Couseling)
Sometimes, we feel hopeless when we’re in a bad marriage. You wonder if it is ever possible to rediscover the good relationship you had in the beginning. The answer is yes, but you have to put in some work.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have the financial means to go to counseling. However, if you do, I would suggest that as a first step.
Even if this is not an option, here are some steps you can try:
1. Take a Good Look at Yourself
It takes two to tango. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying before. In other words, problems in a relationship are rarely the sole responsibility of just one person.
Take a look at your behaviors and speculate how they might have contributed to the state of your marriage.
These tips are useful for you: How to Save a Marriage That Is Falling Apart
2. Take Responsibility for Your Own Actions
Now that you know what you did to contribute to your marital problems, own up to them. Tell your spouse how you feel, and then commit to changing your behavior immediately.
3. Be Honest with Yourself and Your Spouse
Sometimes it’s easier to put your head in the sand and ignore the problems. But your marriage won’t get any better if you do this!
Sit down and be honest with yourself about the state of the marriage. Then, take your feelings to your spouse and have a deep, heart-to-heart talk.
4. Have a Talk
This is an obvious step, but it needs to be done. You can’t map out a plan for the future if you don’t even talk about your problems to begin with.
5. Each Partner Explains His/Her Perception of the Problems
. In other words, your spouse probably sees the marriage in a very different way than you do. So, you need to listen to your partner’s point of view.
6. Just Listen
While your spouse is explaining their point of view, just listen to them. Don’t talk. Don’t interrupt them. Instead, stay calm and don’t get defensive.
7. Make a List of Things That Both People Want to Change
In order to rebuild your marriage, things obviously need to change – on both sides. So, both of you need to write down, and talk about, what needs to be changed in the marriage.
8. Write out a “Contract”
It’s easy for people to say they are going to change, but it’s another thing for them to actually follow through with it. So, it’s best to write a “contract” between the two of you and sign it. This shows commitment to each other for change.
9. Spend Quality Time Together
You can’t rebuild your marriage if you aren’t spending time together! It seems obvious, but you need to rediscover each other, and spending quality time talking and doing things is imperative.
10. Ditch the Technology
Believe it or now, technology is a huge culprit in the downfall of relationships. Whether it’s the TV, cell phone, or video games, spending too much time with technology and not each other is the kiss of death. Make sure you put that down and talk to each other on a regular basis.
Can You Fix a Broken Marriage Alone?
This is a very common question that I am asked, which does not have an easy answer. In fact, my first instinct is to answer “it cannot be done.” I truly do believe it takes two committed people to rebuild a marriage. However, if you don’t have a willing spouse, you can try these steps if you are desperate enough to try to go it alone:
Take a Look Back at What Happened in the Marriage
Do a “relationship autopsy.” In other words, how did the marriage die? Just like a literal dead body is dissected after death, you can look at your marriage and see what went wrong.
If you find that a lot of the causes were because of YOU, then you can change your actions.
Notice Any Common Patterns That Have Emerged over the Years
Relationships always develop patterns. Some are good, and some are bad. So, you need to look for recurring themes in your marriage that may have gotten you into trouble. Once you identify them, try something new instead of repeating the same actions in the future.
Rebuilding a marriage is not easy, but it can be done. The easiest way to have a healthy relationship is to not let it break down in the first place. However, since that’s not an option, all the tips in this article will definitely put you both on the path to resurrecting what was lost.
Do you have relationship deal breakers?
A deal breaker is a factor to consider when deciding whether to follow through with something or not. It’s that little something that makes you say “I’m done!” even when you really love someone or you’ve been together forever.
It may sound harsh — after all, no relationship is perfect, right? — but having a list of relationship deal breakers is actually a healthy way to protect yourself from toxic situations.
Don’t get caught up in controlling, hurtful, and potentially dangerous relationships. Here are 9 relationship deal breakers that you should seriously consider when deciding whether your sweetheart is actually worth your time.
1. There Is Abuse in the Relationship
A healthy relationship is about respect, putting your spouse first, and treating them how you want to be treated.
On the other hand, a partner who lays a hand on you or emotionally abuses you is a major relationship deal-breaker.
Many people convince themselves that just because it happens once doesn’t mean it will happen again. Remember, you deserve a healthy relationship, and someone who abuses you physically or emotionally even once isn’t worth your time.
2. You’re a Secret
If you find out that your spouse hasn’t told their friends or family about you, run for your life! Because being a secret means one of three things.
- They are already in a relationship and you are the side piece.
- They can’t commit.
- They are embarrassed by you.
Your time is valuable and shouldn’t be wasted being with someone who would rather keep you as their dirty little secret.
3. Plans Are Constantly Cancelled
Does your partner always seem to be ditching out on plans with you last minute?
Sure, there are legitimate reasons that your partner may be doing this, such as being called into work unexpectedly, but feeling like the person you’re crazy about is bailing on your company in favor of partying with their friends is definitely shady.
If you find that your long-term partner starts doing this, it may be signs of a deeper problem in the relationship that needs to be discussed.
4. Your Partner Isn’t Faithful
When it comes to cheating, put your foot down immediately. Don’t forgive and wait for the next round of heartbreak. If you have both agreed to a monogamous relationship, both parties should be respecting that decision.
Even if you put breaking your trust and your heart aside, your partner’s cheating on you puts you at risk for depression, sexually transmitted infections, and major embarrassment.
If your partner doesn’t love and respect you enough to stay faithful, dump them. They aren’t worth your time.
5. They Fight Dirty
There are times when we’ve all said stupid things in the heat of an argument, but there’s a difference between getting caught up and using a disagreement as an excuse to be a complete jerk.
If, during an argument, your partner or spouse:
- Brings up past experiences with the intention of hurting your feelings
- Calls you rude or degrading names
- Gaslights you to make you feel crazy
- Attacks you instead of the issue
- Uses the silent treatment
Then you should consider walking away.
Healthy relationships are about open communication and fair conflict resolutions[ — not about seeing who can hurt the other more.
6. You Want Different Things
Sometimes, even if you really love each other, your relationship game just isn’t meant to work out.
He wants East Coast, you want West.
She wants to save money, you want to spend.
He wants kids, you’re fine riding as a duo.
Even if you get along well, these fundamental differences in your goals and where you see your lives going are going to cause serious resentment problems if you don’t address them soon.
7. They’re Unbelievably Selfish
We’re all selfish from time to time, but some people take it too far.
If you feel like you’re giving your all to your spouse, and all they’re doing is taking, focusing on themselves, and taking advantage of your kindness, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
Don’t spend a second longer with a selfish narcissist. Trust me, it isn’t worth the headache.
8. They’re Always Jealous
Healthy jealousy is totally cool when it inspires couples to treat each other better and not take one another for granted.
However, controlling, hack-your-Facebook-and-demand-your-phone-password jealousy should never be tolerated. This is a sign of insecurity and can quickly develop into dangerous or abusive behavior. It’s better to get out before it reaches that point.
9. You’re Always Fighting
Do you feel like you and your spouse are always arguing?
Sure, even happy couples argue, but constantly arguing with a partner is one of our relationship deal breakers because it shows that you have poor communication skills.
Communication is everything when it comes to a healthy, happy relationship. Couples need to be able to talk to each other in order to build empathy, resolve problems, and get closer. This means addressing problems as the arise, not letting them sit and turn into huge fights down the line.
Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.
Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.
Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.
However, withholding information that directly affects or concerns the other individual or omitting any information that reveals the core of your identity, thus keeping your partner from having a complete picture of you (flaws and all) definitely constitutes as keeping a secret.
Some of these secrets are usually linked to unpleasant topics such as money troubles/finances, job situation, fidelity or issues related to past or present mistakes.
Keeping secrets certainly indicates a lack of certain elements including trust, authenticity, and real intimacy.
However, it appears secrets could also help breed these same elements. I recently hung out with some colleagues, and during our discussions, the topic of keeping secrets in a relationship came up.
One of the guys raised a point that early in a relationship, it can be difficult to know just how much to reveal to the other person and so secrets become necessary to protect the growth of that relationship. He confessed that he had recently been introduced to a girl with whom he had been started dating for just about 1 month. He explained that on their last date, she had asked him how he raised the money to start his business. And rather than telling her it was savings he made from the time he was a yahoo boy, he told her he got financial support from his friends and family.
According to him, he was protecting the relationship as it was still at its blueprint stage and he was not yet comfortable disclosing the sins of his past.
Again, he wanted her to get to know him and fall in love with him for who he really is before sharing all that information with her. His submission was that just as no parent tells a child the whole truth, people in relationships should accept the ongoing need to edit their full reality to ensure trust and intimacy are forged. His situation also suggested that until you reach a certain comfort level, whereby you are both in it for the long haul, you are probably better off keeping a few things under wraps.
Sometimes when we meet someone new, we get drawn into the fantasy world where we believe that we have found “the one” and so we do all we can to build a foundation of trust. We forget the fact that relationships, especially nowadays, are volatile at best, and we turn our personal life into an open book, killing our relationships before it even gets the chance to thrive.
Surely, keeping certain dark secrets and revealing them in small doses and at appropriate times in relationships may be in everyone’s best interest. Chances are that you are not even the only one keeping a secret or two. You may be shocked later on, when you find out what your partner is keeping also under wraps.
Do you agree or not?
Ending a marriage you have spent years nurturing can be very hard. On one hand, you are happy you have made a good decision for yourself, on the other hand, you feel an overwhelming feeling of loss.
It can be particularly hard for women who don’t have the right support or who live in a society where divorced women are stigmatized.
For these reasons and more, Tinuola Okenimkpe is sharing her personal experience to help divorced and separated women move on and live their best lives after divorce.
ABOUT TINUOLA OKENIMKPE
Tinuola Okenimkpe, popularly known as Tinu-Ola-Onipekun, was born in Kaduna, Nigeria. She studied Computer science at Yaba College of Technology, Lagos, Nigeria.
She started her journey as an entrepreneur at the age of 19 and currently owns and runs a cake store known as Dreamtreats Cakes.
A divorced mother of 2 children and an adopted cousin, Tinuola, who has a can-do attitude towards life, loves to inspire others to pick up their dead dreams once again, dust them and run with it. She derives fulfilment from helping women get back on their feet especially after experiencing a loss.
Beautiful Beginnings is an organization she founded to provide support for women who have experienced a loss. She has gone ahead to release her debut book also titled Beautiful Beginnings, focused on helping others find the courage to move on just like she did.
She has another soon to be released book titled Now That You Are Divorced, a step by step guide to finding your groove back.
WHY SHE STARTED BEAUTIFUL BEGINNINGS AND WROTE A BOOK
My marriage ended after 10 years. From my experience, I found out that society has defined the way a divorced woman should look and how she should carry herself. It was considered a thing of shame and you were literally labeled a failure.
After divorce, one was expected to be silent, and talking about it only made it worse. Due to lack of support both from the community, religious organizations and sometimes even family, most women considered divorce an end to their lives and their dreams.
And many others remained in marriages that should never have been because of the fear of stigmatization. I also found that many divorced people had a sense of overwhelming loneliness during this process and for many, it was literally impossible to pull through.
Over the last 9 years, I discovered a lot of things I wish I had known earlier on. While that knowledge may not have eased the pain, it would definitely have made a lot of things easier and helped me get my groove back earlier.
I am very passionate about helping other divorced women through that season and that is why I started a support system known as Beautiful Beginnings.
HER BOOK – BEAUTIFUL BEGINNINGS
Reading the book Beautiful Beginnings will give you a fresh perspective and help you find the courage to move on.
You can also sign up for Walk With Me, a 30 days session.
– Discover the truth about who you really are
– Get tips for going through a divorce with less drama
– Pick up your dreams again…. they are valid and possible.
– Learn to raise outstanding kids despite and in spite of what you are going through
– Find the courage to move on with your career or start a business
– Build a support system
– Get your groove back
GET IN TOUCH WITH TINUOLA OKENIMKPE
Facebook: Tinu Ola-Onipekun
Phone call: 09079006877
This article was culled from Woman.ng, In support of the Author’s work as it relates to marriage and separation. It is not our original content , neither did we conduct this interview.