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Nike Folagbade

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Let me start by saying that dating is defined by what you do in it.

Dating is an act of spending time with a person to get to know them well and consider if you want to get committed.

Dating is not necessarily about sleeping with different people to ascertain who you want.

There are 3 ways to date on purpose and following this method can save you from unnecessary heartache.

  1. DATE INWARDLY: This means spending time with yourself to know what you want, who you are, the kind of relationship you want to build, who you are becoming, your personality, values and emotional needs. Gaining clarity in these areas of life helps you understand who you are. Another way of knowing yourself is seeing yourself through the lens of God because your internal lens may be broken if you have not healed from past hurts and you can’t afford to allow your wrong perceptions of your identity keep you stuck. You’re more than you think you are.

 

  1. DATE OUTWARDLY: Definitely, it is necessary to spend time with other people so you can network and engage well with them. Dating is a social word for meeting people and it is what you do in it that matters. You can have friends and spend time knowing them well before thinking about a relationship. Don’t be too quick to get into an intimate relationship with a person, consider knowing them for a while, asking the right questions, meeting their friends, observing patterns, giving value, praying about it and listening to your intuition before getting serious about it.

 

  1. DATE UPWARDLY: This is definitely your relationship with God, unshaken. If you don’t get this part right, it can mess up with the WHY around your dating. You should not date someone to feel complete or valuable.

 

Seeking for approval or validation from a man or woman for that can lead to more identity crisis.

This is still a process because some people haven’t really spent time knowing themselves, hardly go out or have a sour relationship with God. Do you see why you should sit down to also create a plan that can make this strategy work?

 

Here are examples:

 

  1. Dating yourself: Read books around self-discovery, Identity and Purpose.

 

  1. Dating outwardly: Hang out with some friends monthly or weekly, depends on your time. Read about building healthy relationships and boundaries.

 

  1. Dating upwardly: Spend more time knowing God through fellowship. Journaling is good too.

 

Which of these do you need to get better at?

We can never undermine the power and influence of life coaches in the society, they help us navigate through life, and put us in a state of mindfullness.  Nike Folagbade is a Family life coach of high repute, she has not only succeeded in her field as a Family life coach, but also determined to help singles find the right partner.

Nike Adedokun Folagbade helps men and women experience emotional healing and personal transformation thereby being able to build healthy relationships. She is a Personal Transformational and Family life coach. A vivid encourager, equipper and nurturer who leads the coaching/consultation services at NIKE FOLAGBADE INTERNATIONAL.

She is a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and a Results Coach. She is also an associate of Family Systems Engineering and an Emotional intelligence/Anger management coach. A SYMBIS facilitator who helps engaged and married couples prepare or manage their marriage well.

Nike was listed among the 2019 100 most inspiring young people in Nigerian. In 2015, she was recognized as the best sexuality advocate and in 2014; she won the third relationship blog in Nigeria.

She is also the Lead Creative director of Hevar Solutions, a business support company for entrepreneurs, personal brands and professionals and the Human Resource Manager at WORITAL, a fast growing book branding and publishing firm.

In 2016 to 2018, she convened EVOLVE SUMMIT, a conference targeted at helping men and women experience healing from emotional trauma and sexual addictions and also discovering the path to purpose. In 2020, she began the HEAL, LIVE AND LOVE SUMMIT targeted at helping men and women experience true healing, their full identity, purpose and building healthy relationships.

She has authored several books, audio tracks and video courses, and featured on several media platforms.

Nike is  currently a relationship contributor on Bella Naija, Punch, Business Day News, Women of Rubies and She Leads Africa. Nike is married to a creative genius, Fola and they both nurture their charming son, KING.

You may also visit her website www.nikefolagbade.com to read more of her soul-healing articles. Her Facebook community also houses many articles and resources with almost 6,000 members.

She shares her inspiring story in this interview with Esther Ijewere

Growing up

I once heard a speaker say that our lives can be segmented into different phases, like 0-10 years representing a time of discovery and age 10-20 representing a time of practice. From the age of 7, I started having a strong interest in love related matters. I enjoyed reading romantic novels, magazines, movies and columns in the newspaper. Oprah Winfrey Show was also a great influence as I envisioned myself hosting a talk show like that someday.I began to write articles in my notebooks till I got busy with school life and daily realities. As at then, I never saw my interests as a big deal, I just felt I would go to school, get a job and build a successful career in Accounting.

While in the university, I felt a strong urge to help people via writing and speaking especially in the area of love and dating. Prior to then, I got bored of the school-church-home cycle. I wanted more out of life so I started to meditate alone. I started to seek and dig within me. I decided to try out new things but it didn’t work out until I saw an inspirational seminar in school which I had to pay for. They invited over 10 motivational speakers, business owners and celebrities to speak on discovering oneself. I was the only one who paid for it amongst my friends. I felt bored at first but at the end of the event, I realized that God had just used one of the speakers to spark up the desire in me to help people. It felt surreal. It felt like a rush of grace as I stepped out and began to truly help people. I started blogging, speaking in my church and discovering more of my skills. I was able to use WordPress, BBM, Facebook and Twitter to reach thousands of people in 2013.

One of the ways that my childhood helped to build compassion in me is that, at a young age, I didn’t know how to process corrections. I always took every misfortune, pain, sickness, failure and criticism as rejection from my parent, God and anyone around me, so I began to seek for love and validation externally. This spurred me into dating for the wrong reasons until I was able to truly discover myself. Now, when I’m helping people, I can see through the lens of their past and how it forms their decision now. It’s been 6 years since I started and I’m so happy to have helped thousands of people to discover themselves, heal from past hurts, choose better relationships, make better marital decisions and grow spiritually.

Inspiration behind  Nike Folagbade International

I started blogging in 2013 as a personal hobby but after helping thousands of people and getting certified in Emotional intelligence, Anger management, Family Systems Engineering, Master Neuro-Linguistics Programming, SYMBIS and other coaching skills, I decided to intentionally build a business and not just a hobby hence I registered Nike Folagbade International to anchor my personal brand. Now, we are focused on helping singles and married via coaching, therapy, counseling, mentorship, speaking, blogging, podcasting, authoring books and other medium.

My vision is to build an institution that will cater for families generally which will include working with singles, married couples and helping with intentional parenting. This also means that we will partner with other coaches and experts in different fields to achieve this. We also want to build an online and offline academy that can train people to prepare for a healthy relationship and marriage. Under the sustainable development goals created by the United Nations, we intend to build stronger institutions and promote well- being because if we can have whole and healthy individuals who are mentally, spiritually and emotionally stable, we can have better marriages and children.

The Journey so far

Wow! I have been schooled in the process. There are many challenges and achievements in the process.

Challenges in the areas of:

  1. Persuading young people to invest in their emotional and mental health beyond acquiring business skills because money isn’t all that is needed in a marriage. Many marriages are suffering because of the individual’s ability to make emotional choices that can positively help them live better. We rely so much on emotions but when frustration sets in, emotions fades and people begin to make rash decisions. We also have to clearly help singles know that beyond praying, they also need to learn the right skills like communication, love languages, self- control and build strong values too.
  2. I have had to experience refining processes as we grow as a business. I have had to also experience transformation in my life so I teach from a place of experience and research. I don’t just teach Googled content, I’m an embodiment of what I teach and that means I’ve had my testing moments also.
  3. Getting financial support hasn’t been easy because brands like to partner more with businesses that are focused on teaching business, finance and related industry. We need more support from the government, private institutions and churches to reach more young people. People are going into drugs, prostitution, extra-marital affairs, and fraudulent lifestyle because they don’t have a proper model from home, or have experienced father or mother wounds, need clarity on their Identity and need to also heal from the baggage they currently carry. We can reach more people if we have the funds and support needed. Collaboration is key.

There have been achievements in the area of being recognized by different platforms for awards and speaking engagements. I was recently recognized as one of the 100 most inspiring young Nigerians ranking 24th in 2019 by Avance Media. It puts smile on my face when I see people become transformed in their minds, health and relationships. Seeing my books in the hands of people also encourages me to write more. There is so much work to be done on the African continent too. There is also the financial reward from helping people too, winks.

Helping engaged and married couples manage their home, with my SYMBIS knowledge 

Save Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) tool is a pre-marital coaching platform that trains coaches and counselors on how to work with engaged couples on how to adequately prepare for marriage in all ramifications. It also works for the married people who want to relearn what it takes to make their marriages work and be renewed.

The beauty of the platform is that, individuals can log into their personal dashboard to fill the assessment and will be guided by me when they are done. Each person discovers their beliefs in the areas of personality, money, marriage, sex, religion, house chores, health and other vital issues that show up in marriage. It makes my work easier because I simply guide them to fill their assessment which takes about 30 minutes at a go then I give a comprehensive explanation and coaching of how to handle each phases of their lives in marriage. It leads to mind blowing discovery about how they view marriage generally.

I also use Family Systems Engineering skills and assessments to help the married people too.

Launching the Love and Life Hub platform, and helping singles with it

Love and Life Hub is a love and dating platform that is focused on enlightening and connecting singles for the aim of a healthier self and relationship. We have deliberately organized all that it takes for you to discover yourself, learn about dating intelligently, connect with other singles via active interaction, position yourself for an ideal partner and find the right support and guidance needed while dating. It is a combination of courses, coaching, mentoring, connection, webinars, fun, book reviews, resources and support for an active dating life.

You don’t have to take random courses to upgrade yourself, you can easily learn on love and relationships based on where you are in life and your love cycle, which is why we have created an assessment to show you where you are. We want to simplify the dating process for singles by taking them through 5 stages focused on healing, purpose, attracting a partner, sustaining a relationship and gliding into marriage successfully. We will be using a website, virtual coaching hubs and other system in place for every 90 days for each batch plus we have support coaches who will help with mentoring. The platform launches from August 17th, 2020 and every single man or woman from any tribe or religion can join us at www.loveandlifehub.com

3 women who inspire you to be better and why?

There are many women who inspire me and the list will be inexhaustible but I will just stick to 3 like you have asked.

Debola Deji-Kurunmi inspires me because she shows me what is possible as a woman. She leads from a place of personal transformation that she has experienced and every encounter with her shifts my mind and execution rate. She is my kind of woman who is solid in spirituality, business, marriage and influence.

Dr. Anita Phillips because I love how she mixes mental health with Faith which gives a combination of Spirit-Body-Soul healing.

Joyce Meyer because she simplifies many areas that we struggle with in her books and other resources. We share similar vision too and I’m happy at how she has influenced my mind positively especially with the book; “Battlefield of the mind”.

Being a life coach, creative director, wife and mom, and managing it all

People preach balance and I think that it has led to more confusion for me as I tried to balance every areas of my life in the same degree; I have noticed that, in order to live a multidimensional life, there will be priorities and there are areas that can be delegated. Also, there are times that my focus is more on Spirituality and Family, other times; it can be work and health. At different stages in life, I try to put each area of my life in the right perspective but they can stay at different degree. I’m currently learning to manage every area of my life but I also like to focus on 3 things at a time. Each day, I set my priorities and chase after it. I don’t try to achieve everything in a day. I have also learnt to highlight my goals, structure, time it, set reminders and delegate. I also have a team I work with which makes it easier to manage each businesses including having a supportive husband who helps me thrive in all I do but balancing it is still a work in progress and I’m learning to chill.

For instance, I have coaching hours, I have Faith hours, I have work hours, I have Family hours, I have my rest day and many other structure I’m trying to build but it is not perfect yet. I’m a work in Progress. I’m learning to appreciate my growth and leave out the pressure. Our lives are different.

The pandemic has made a lot of Nigerian women vulnerable, What coping mechanism advice would you give to these women at a time  like this, especially those who are almost forced to go back to abusive relationships out of the need to sustain the family?

It can be very hard I must say. These things happen and I don’t blame anyone. We make healthier decisions as we permit ourselves the risk to grow and find help.

It boils down to Identity and Healing. Many people are currently in toxic relationships because they live a codependent life. They rely on others to feel happy, successful or approved. I love a popular saying that; “If you live for the approval of others, you will die by their rejection”. More women are rising up to discover themselves. Relationships do not define you, it should be built with another person from a healthy standpoint.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you may need support and strength to leave because many times, people know they are in a mess but they are so convinced that there is nothing good that can happen if they choose to start again. For some, they don’t even know where to start from. It is fear and fear can keep you stuck. If you are in an abusive marriage, please, take a temporary leave to cater for your well-being, seek for help and rebuild your life. If you choose to go back to your home, it should be because your spouse is willing to use therapy, spiritual help and every necessary action to stay back on track.

Many toxic relationships are built by broken people coming from broken families. People are a product of their upbringing, environment and experiences. If you don’t discover yourself now, you cannot live a better life.

I have discovered that our mindset is where the change starts, if you start to question the beliefs that drives your life, you will be compelled to find more in life. I started helping others because there was a burden in me to grow and serve too.

I will say to ladies that, you are worth more than you are. If you redirect your life now, you will be thankful in years to come. The woman you are now is not the woman you will be in 10 years’ time but the magnitude of your change is dependent on the level of exposure you have and the transformation you permit. Even if you start by reading a book, watching the right inspirational videos, changing your role models and friends, seeking for growth etc. I know that some coaches or motivational speakers may have hurt you but look for genuine people and subscribe to their programs. I can vouch for myself, my goal is your change and it is evident in my work. Start from where you are, most importantly; speak up.

 Nuggets about marriage with us, and why it is necessary to make it work.

First, people marry for the wrong reasons and they leave easily when it doesn’t work out as planned. People marry for sex, money, security amidst other reasons and can easily opt out when those needs are not met. Beyond your needs being met, there are few reasons why you should make your marriage work:

  1. Marriage is a trans-generational decision and you cannot just marry for yourself alone. Whatever decision you make should impact your children and their marriage. The change we desire in the society starts from the family unit but may people don’t understand this hence we hardly build a structure around our marriages. Most people are still suffering from the trauma and patterns of their own family. Be the one to change that cycle by seeking for help and applying the necessary wisdom in your home.
  2. If your marriage will work, it starts with your mindset and the decision to permit yourself to be responsible for it. Don’t always focus on your spouse, be the change you want to see and things will start working well when you have the right mindset, heart and actions in place.
  3. Be humble and teachable enough to take corrections. I think this is one area that I needed to work on too. Your spouse can see you better, they can be the tool of change in your life if you are humble enough to get through life with them.
  4. Engage healthy 3rd parties like professional counselors when needed. Don’t suffer in silence when you can engage a neutral help instead of friends and families.
  5. Learn the right skills and be willing to implement it. Be patient to see the change you desire. Be content with your spouse, people keep thinking they will find a better love out there if they keep flirting. It looks greener on the other side, focus on your home and make it work just like you would do for your business. Be willing to speak your partner’s love language, keep dating in marriage and evaluate your progress periodically.
  6. Be prayerful because marriage is warfare and you don’t always have to fight with words, learn to deal with some issues in prayer and let God rule your heart. I think that some marriages will work better if there is an application of wisdom and a healthy faith life.

 

Being  a Woman of Rubies

I believe that I’m one of the women making the society better through my thoughts and actions. I actively engage many men and women and challenge them to be better than they are currently. I help people live a healthy life emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

 

 

 

The journey of marriage is that which requires careful planning, deliberations and considerations on both partners. Both parties should be knowledgeable enough about what they are getting into before tying the knot. Before considering who you marry, there has to be a clear understanding of your life, journey and the kind of family you want to have. This would determine the team players like you and your spouse.

So here are 5 things to consider as you prepare for marriage

1. Value

 In marriage, values are important because they determine your actions and reactions and it is important to consider your spouse’s values before marriage. Values are principles that determine how you live your life, what you do, the people you walk with, who you connect with and who you get engaged with. It is better that you know what your values are so that you do not end up dating people who do not share in your values.

Examples of values that can really create a friction in marriage are Integrity, Spirituality, Family and Hard work. If you are dating someone who is dishonest, lies a lot and does not keep to promises or who does not care about people, when you get married, you will find out that you both will feel disconnected in many ways leading to unmet or failed expectations and disappointments.

 

2 Personality Types

 Your personality determines how you behave, your strength, your behavior and view towards life. Knowing your personality helps to master those areas that can easily hunt you down and master those strengths that are way makers for you.

To be able to do this, you need to know your temperaments. Your temperament is the way God wired you from birth. It’s the part of you that precedes any environmental factors.

We have four major ones which are:

Choleric

Sanguine

Phlegmatic

Find out which of these you are, discover how they work for you and also take feedback from people on how well you can be better while on your journey to self-mastery. So that when you get married, you can know how to manage yourself and also manage your partner’s behavior and personality too. Learning about personality types will help you manage your relationship with your partner. It will help you understand why they act in some ways.

3. Purpose

 Everyone is born with a unique purpose in life but not everyone is able to recognize the significance of this life’s substance or acknowledge the purpose which can make life meaningful and fulfilling even before they find that special person to complement them. A life without a purpose to serve as compass for direction during the years you are single may develop many complex issues in the years to come both in your personal and married life.

Your purpose can only be found in God. One of the things you want to do is build self-awareness, understand yourself in God, discover your strength, understand your talents, your gifting and build a close walk with God so that you can see how all of these things fit into the plan he has for you before you were born.

One of the biggest reasons of this is that, many people experience a reawakening moment in marriage and discover that the person they married is not willing to support them in their purpose. To avoid this, get a glimpse of your future and walk with someone who can help you fly with it.

4. Your Walk With God

 I’ve noticed that Spirituality or Faith for many people is at the core of their lives and they really want people who can share the same thing with them. So before you get married, it’s really good that you build a relationship with God so that you can really understand your life and build a strong anchor for yourself. So that when you get married, you do not seek for happiness and joy from your spouse. But you know that you have a true source that is deeper than that.

Having a consistent relationship with God prepares and gives you an advantage in your life’s choices; because you would not be kept in the dark about the vital things that matter to your life and as such help you make healthy choices.

5 Family Pattern

 Discover the patterns that are operating in your family like anger, delays or late marriage.

What are those patterns in terms of behavior, lifestyle, circumstances or delays that you have noticed?

How can you wage against it?

Do you want to develop yourself; do you want to pray about it?

Do you want to become accountable?

Do you want to build structures around your life so that you can be a different person who does not end up in a marriage that repeats itself?

So with these five things, you can be able to build self-awareness around it and one of the ways you can build self-awareness is to read more books, take part in programs, have a mentor, seek support from other friends who have the same like mind goal and always take feedback from life.

Journaling is a good way to track your life experiences and patterns.

These are some of the things you can build your life with so that you can get married and be at peace with yourself and who you have chosen.

In what ways have you been preparing yourself towards marriage?

What will you start doing differently?

 

 

For a long time, I kept turning men off with my hard look. I wasn’t always smiling. A long face became a default and this made some men stay away. I had few people who approached me to correct me but I always felt they didn’t know what they were saying.

Ladies, do you want to be more approachable?

These days, a lot of men complain that it’s difficult talking to some girls because they either get shunned or don’t even bother approaching due to what they sense from afar.

I decided to write on 3 quick tips to make you more approachable among many other tips.

  1. Can you just smile? That was what a man told me as I came out of the bank some weeks back. I wondered if it was his business to frown but the more I frowned, the more he said, “Please just smile”. But I thought about it later on that he must have had the boldness to tell me while some ignored me because I didn’t smile. It’s not easy for men to approach ladies but your smiling face and open external attitude can reduce the fear in them.

Smiling increases good life and good health too.  Please smile.

  1. Look smart, classy and bright: To be sincere, I’m visual and I like it when people look good. This morning, I approached a lady and said, “Your gown is fine.” She didn’t hear me well, so I repeated it three times for her to notice and she smiled back and said thank you. Who no like better thing?

Looking good enhances a friendly environment and attention. Looking hot is different from nudity.

I was bad with my dressing before I got married and it made me less attractive. I shared so many wrong things I did in my book; “How I Got The Ring”. It took a lot of conscious effort, research and intentionality for me to get better.

There is a part of you that enhances your beauty, enhance it well. I have soft and nice lips, but at least, I can add a touch of wet lips or lipstick. Please don’t use lipstick to get a man if you will not use it after marriage.

Looking good is first from the mind so it has to reflect. You may look good and still not be approachable; you need to add the smile I mentioned above.

  1. Be humble and respectful: The only way to make a man feel a little comfortable when he approaches you is by responding to his little “HI or Hello” with a courteous response. It speaks a lot. Don’t just treat people like they are nothing.

The fact that he is shorter than you want doesn’t mean you should ignore him. Be nice, you may meet again. The fact that he wasn’t in a car doesn’t mean he is not valuable either. You may be surprised at where you will meet him later on. Be careful to create a good impression even if you don’t attend to his offer.

Not all friendships should become intimate relationships so build other kinds of relationships intentionally.

What are the other ways to become approachable?

I know we have a lot of them, do tell me some.

 

About Nike

Nike Adedokun Folagbade helps singles build healthy relationships via break up, dating and relationships coaching.

Her goal is to help many singles recover from heartbreaks, attract and keep the right partner and build healthy relationships.

She has been featured in numerous magazines, newspaper, television and radio programs like Channels, The Punch, Business Day News, CoreTv, The guardian, City fm, Happenings Radio amongst others.

Her Facebook group, The Right Partner Community is targeted at helping one single at a time achieve their relationship milestone. She blogs at www.nikefolagbade.com and can be reached via adenikeadedokun@gmail.com or hello@nikefolagbade.com

 

Nike Adedokun Folagbade helps people heal from past hurts, find true love and build healthy relationships.
She is a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and a Results Coach.Nike answers our famous #7questions below;
1.  What is your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is that I can achieve so much more but I limit myself due to all manners of fearful thoughts running through my mind. So,  my fears stem from a place of “hoping that I do not hold myself back from achieving great feats”.
2.  In your darkest moments, what do you do?
Hmmm. I cry. I do cry a lot, it’s my way of relieving myself. Other things I do are, find a resources that can lift me up from that burden (video, book, etc).I can talk to someone who can also help me find clarity and strength. I’ve learnt not to keep things to myself for too long.
I pray and ask God for help and comfort.I may also withdraw and reflect on some things rather than running aimlessly. I journal also, it’s a way of expressing myself when I don’t want to talk about it.
3.  What is that one thing you would like to change about yourself?
Well, I think that I love everything about myself and I see life as a feedback. But if I could work on something, it will be my mind. I want to have a more positive and firm outlook towards life. I could be quite negative sometimes due to past experiences and weakness but I’m learning mindfulness and healthy thinking daily hence it’s not really about a change because that would mean that I want to erase my story, personality and experiences.
4.  Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Wow! I see myself having a structured academy that helps the singles and married equip themselves for a better and healthy relationship and marriage through various training programs and courses. I see more lives being transformed and empowered through me. I see God opening international platforms to take the message of healing, wholeness and transformation to other nations. And also helping the corporate bodies find transformation and productivity in what they do.
I see myself taking part in economic and political issues in Nigeria as it concerns Youth. I see myself in media using creative mediums to reach out to people for effective change and transformation.
I also see myself investing and building great businesses and modeling bliss to people through my marriage.
I see myself as a more confident, fulfilling and positive woman.
5.  What keeps you going?
– Seeing lives change through the work I do.
– Feeling the burden to do more.
– Having God strengthen me frequently through His words and Spirit.
– Seeing God glorified in the lives of people.
6.   What is your stand on feminism? Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I believe that feminism means fighting for the rights of women and ensuring equal opportunities.
So, yes I’m for all of that. I want more women empowered and confident about their lives with equal access and opportunities but I do not mindfully consider myself a feminist when it comes to fighting for certain issues like it’s being done now. I believe that women are unique and different from men so it’s not a battle of “who is better?” but “what can we do together?”. Men also need help because they have been nurtured the wrong way which is affecting their outlook towards life so I’m passionate about helping the both genders embrace their uniqueness and live a more fulfilled life.
7.  What keeps you up at night?
– Communicating with God
– Reading and strategy.
– Meditation
You want to be featured on #7questions? Send a mail to info@womenofrubies.com 

“A common saying states that; “You attract who you are” and a lot of ladies wonder, how come they’re attracting players into their lives  when they don’t do the same.

I understand that you may have these questions and thoughts in your mind like:

  1. I am a good girl but I keep attracting men that want to rape me. Does it mean I’m a rapist too?
  2. I try to spend all of my income on my girlfriends yet they always end up using me. Am I guilty of the same offense?
  3. Why is it only married men that come after me? What have I done to deserve that?

My answer:

You don’t have to be a player or rapist to attract one but you can be projecting a part of you that attracts such men.

Let’s look into life of Monique for an example.

Monique was raped at the age of 8 and she developed a quick hatred for men following that incident. At the age of 10, when she went visiting her uncle. His friend molested her yet she could not tell anyone. Her parents were the busy and absent type and even when they came around, they were usually fighting or shutting her down which made her develop low self-esteem.

She grew wishing she didn’t come to that family and she also hated God for making the rape happen. When she got into the university, she became difficult for men to talk to yet she was very pretty. Some cult guys in the school that tried chasing her decided to set her up for a rape again at age 20. At this point, she was done for. She became bitter. She went ahead to join a girls cult and became a lesbian too. Her aim was to gun down men that try to get at her or punish her rapist in the best way possible.

After she graduated, she had to go for her NYSC, get a job and start her life all over. Monique had also lost some of her gangs in the final year while she was in school. All through school, she never dated any man. She joined a church later on after much persuasion from her neighbor and she got better by the day.

The only problem she had was that, she still had her secrets. She had not worked on herself or sorted things out. Most of the men that came around her were either touchy or requesting for sex at the first date. What could be wrong?

She was trying to run from the kinds of men that raped her but it wasn’t working that way.

Monique has to undergo an emotional therapy that can help her understand what happened in her past, change the meanings attached to her experience, spot out the positive reasons behind her past, forgive herself for the hurts, forgive the rapist which is very difficult but possible, forgive her parents for their kind of parenting, seek completeness in God, release the total experience and start a new journey.

Now, it sounds easy to write but it is a long journey to activate. Why is this necessary?

For every experience you have had, there is always a belief system you create around them which forms your perception. All of these reality becomes your model of the world.

Monique must have created beliefs like; “All men are bad”, “All men are rapist”, “Parents are always too busy”, “Any man coming around wants sex” etc. As little as these beliefs sounds, they determine your decisions and destiny.

The law of projection works with the beliefs in your subconscious mind which is the main reason why you need to undergo a process of recovery, transformation and repositioning. If you don’t, you will keep attracting the unhealthy beliefs you have.

As tough as she thought she was, she was insecure, had low self-esteem and didn’t see any worth in herself. As much as she projected that image behind her expensive dress, insecure men came around and tried to touch her too. It works in a mysterious way.

If you are a plus size, you may keep thinking that you cannot meet a man that can appreciate your size, you may be forced to start begging a man to stick with you.

“If your mind believes that it is impossible to attract a man that is not a rapist, that will be the reality.”

This is why when I engage my coaching clients, I start with the vision they want in a relationship or marriage and then tackle what the problem is. It usually stems from the mindset. There’s usually a fault in the belief system or an emotional trauma.

When I was younger, my uncles lived with us and almost every day, I kept hearing about their sexcapades with girls and I developed a thick skin against players, the truth is, for so long, I kept attracting men that wanted to sleep with me. It was a struggle actually.

Anything you try to run from can end up being your reality.

So what should you do? Seek for professional help that can help you identify and eliminate the wrong beliefs and experiences. You deserve the best relationship ever.

 

About Nike

Nike Adedokun Folagbade helps singles build healthy relationships via break up, dating and relationships coaching.

Her goal is to help many singles recover from heartbreaks, attract and keep the right partner and build healthy relationships.

She has been featured in numerous magazines, newspaper, television and radio programs like Channels, The Punch, Business Day News, CoreTv, The guardian, City fm, Happenings Radio amongst others.

Her Facebook group, The Right Partner Community is targeted at helping one single at a time achieve their relationship milestone. She blogs at www.nikefolagbade.com and can be reached via adenikeadedokun@gmail.com or hello@nikefolagbade.com