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5 Reasons Why You Should Not Give Up on Love

Looking for love is an exciting adventure. You get to meet new people, go out and have fun dates, and maybe, just maybe, meet the love of your life.

But dating can also be a huge bummer, and there are times when the journey is more frustrating than fun, especially as you get older. Instead of focusing on having an enjoyable night out, you’re wondering why you can’t seem to find Mr. or Ms. Right.

To get a great relationship, you have to be willing to put in the work. But what should you do when you feel yourself giving up on love?

Don’t let your desire for love burn out! Here are six reasons you shouldn’t give up on love.

1. Love Teaches Lessons

Going through another failed relationship can be a frustrating, heartbreaking, and depressing experience. But remember that timing is everything. Just because that love is over doesn’t mean love is over for you.

Instead of viewing your failed relationships as wastes of time, make a list of everything you learned from that relationship.

Perhaps you learned how to talk about your feelings and be vulnerable with someone else, and maybe you learned that looks aren’t everything.

If the relationship was a toxic one, maybe you learned that you’re stronger than you think.[1] Maybe you learned what you don’t want and will not tolerate in your future relationships.

Whatever the case may be, take the lessons that love gives you and treasure them.

2. You Have the Time to Grow

Your single years are all about learning who you are and growing from each experience you go through.

If your ultimate goal is to get married, why not use this time to grow and develop skills and traits that would make you a great husband or wife?

For example:

  • Can you cook?
  • Do you have a job?
  • Can you handle your finances well?
  • Do you have your own house/apartment?
  • Are you patient?
  • Do you know how to express your feelings well?
  • Do you have selfish tendencies?

These are better than simply giving up on love. Now is the time to do some self-exploration and work out who you want to be for yourself, your friends, family, and your future partner.

3. Now Is the Time for You

There is no better time to be a little selfish with your pursuits, energy, and focus than while you are single. Now is the time for you to take strides toward your dream career, to travel, and to focus on your social life.

Of course, you can still do these things when you are in a relationship, but love has the potential to be limiting.

There’s no doubt that it’s worth it, but you can’t travel the world for months on end when you’re helping your partner pay a mortgage or raising a family. At least, you can’t do it as easily as you would when you are single.

Friendships are also important. These are the people who have supported you through every good and bad decision you’ve ever made. They were your shoulder to cry on when your relationships ended, and your dates ended up being duds.

Use this time as an excuse to focus on yourself and find out who you are when you aren’t part of a “We.”

Not only will this be good for your mental health and personal growth, but your confidence in yourself will also be incredibly appealing to your future partner.

4. You Deserve More Than Settling

If you want to find real love, you must be willing to stick it out for your perfect person instead of settling! When you wait to find that perfect person for you, you ensure that your personalities will gel.

Finding real love is about:

  • Spending quality time together
  • Learning the art of communication
  • Sharing similar goals and beliefs (though- they say opposites attract!)

Finding real love is also about finding someone you’re attracted to, who makes you laugh, and respects you.

If you haven’t found that yet, then why settle? You deserve the best relationship possible, so don’t give up on love yet. If it takes waiting a little while longer to find someone who hits all the checkmarks on your list, why not wait?

5. Things Worth Doing Are Rarely Easy

Think about it. The best things in life – the things that make you feel accomplished, proud of yourself, and inspired to do better are always difficult;

Getting a degree, running with endurance, getting fit/losing weight, breaking a bad habit, learning something new like scuba diving or how to speak another language…

These are all things that take time to accomplish, but you feel so satisfied when you’ve completed that challenge.

The same can be said for finding the right relationship. Deciding to wait for someone who fulfills you instead of dating the first person who asks all because you’re lonely takes strength.

It takes courage to break up with someone you love but who is ultimately bad for you. It takes effort to be patient. But you’ll be glad that you did.

Final Thoughts

Finding love isn’t always easy. It can be discouraging and may even feel like a full-time job sometimes – but don’t give up!

Resilience is the key to finding love. Enjoy the journey and focus on self-care and personal growth and absorb the lessons each relationship and each new date has to teach.

Source: Lifehack.org

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11 WAYS TO BE A MORE LOVING PARTNER

“Are you in a relationship presently and you are trying to figure out how to love your partner more?”

“Are you about to go into one and need to know how to love your partner right ?”

This article is for you!

Read on and learn some of the doable ways in which you can learn how to love — become more loving, win your partner back, and enjoy a satisfying relationship. Once you know what genuine love looks like, it will be easy to implement.

Most people mistakenly think that love is a feeling. Here’s the thing, they have it all wrong.

In order to be more loving, you have to understand what love truly is. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a Commitment. It’s an Action. It’s a Decision..

It’s understandable why we’re confused about love. The movie industry has put a spell on us. They have us believe that two people can fall in love.

True, genuine love begins after the spell wears out, after the honeymoon ends and real life begins.

Are you ready to become a more loving partner? You look ready to me. Let’s go!

1. Commit to Your Relationship

Decide that you are going to be in the relationship; that you are going to work toward its growth; that you will nourish it to the best of your ability. Without that commitment, you don’t have the necessary foundation to build a loving relationship. That is why this first step is crucial.

If you have that commitment, read on.

 

2. Invest Time

The workaholic who works 60 hours a week might say, “I love my family so much. I’m working hard to provide for them.” That’s not love. Remember, love is not a feeling; it’s not words. It’s an action that you decide to take. One of the most important ways to demonstrate love is to spend time with the person you love. After all, time is our most prized possession. You show someone you love them by spending quality time with them.

If you want to become more loving, find time every day to connect with your loved one. You can do this with a text, a phone call, or a lunch date. Be creative.

 

3. Communicate Your Love

There are countless and effective ways to do this. Find ways to communicate your love through action. Bring home a treat, do the dishes, make dinner, leave a note in his favorite coffee mug, etc. Before he leaves for the gym, my husband takes off his chain and sets it on his nightstand.

As a writer, one of my favorite guidelines is, show, don’t just tell. By doing this, the writer provokes a reaction from their readers, helps them feel the emotion the character is feeling. This works in real life as well.

Take an action, however small, that SHOWS your partner you love them.

4. Acknowledge the Thoughtful Things Your Partner Does

One of the ways to be a more loving partner is to acknowledge all your partner does for you. You might be taking your partner for granted and not even realizing it.

Do you thank them for doing the laundry, walking the dog, making dinner, doing the dishes, working out, replacing the soap and shampoo before it runs out, etc? There are a million little things that keep a home going, and it’s easy to forget that someone is doing it. Acknowledge it.

 

5. Be Supportive

In what ways can you be supportive to your partner? Maybe it’s supporting a hobby they have, or wishing them a fun girl’s day out, or being there for every music recital, etc. When you’re supportive, your partner will feel like they can’t fail. It will provide the encouragement they need to keep going and have fun at the same time.

6. Provide Space

Clinginess can ruin a relationship. Too much of anything can be deleterious to its survival. Yes, it’s good to spend time together. In fact, I recommend it, but it’s also good to find a healthy balance.

Providing space means you allow your partner to express himself/herself in the way they enjoy. Allowing your partner time with friends and family is important. You don’t have to be by their side 24/7.

“We all need time to explore, reflect, and express ourselves individually.”

Create a space for your partner so that they can express their creativity. Let them be them without you. Remember, they were someone long before you came along.

7. Avoid Put Downs

Here’s the thing, when you’re in a relationship, you pretty much know everything about your partner–the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s easy to resort to put downs when you’re angry and upset about something they’ve done.

For example, let’s suppose they’re late for a movie. It happens. Don’t start in with, “Late again?! Jeez, you’re never on time, you moron!” Or, “No wonder your parents are disappointed by you!”

What are you trying to accomplish? It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re having a constructive discussion. It actually sounds like a war in progress.

We have enough strife in the world. Don’t allow it to infiltrate your home. Speak with respect. Let love be the motivator, not pettiness.

8. Be Willing to Compromise

Relationships are partnerships. Often, one or both of the people involved forget that; they’re a little too self-absorbed, always wanting what they want when they want it regardless of how their partner feels.

Since all relationships require some form of compromise to be successful, the couple has to work as a team. It’s always a give and take. Willingness to compromise can go a long way in creating happiness and feelings of well-being in the relationship.

9. Listen

You might think you’re listening, but next time your partner is talking, pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking? Are you really listening? Are you formulating your answer? Have you tuned out? True listening requires a great deal of effort, but it is a gift to the person who is feeling heard.

When you truly listen, the other person feels valued, important, like they matter. And isn’t that a gift you want to give your partner? It doesn’t cost a thing, but the dividends are priceless. True listening is the encapsulation of love.

Try this exercise, ask your partner a question, then really listen. Don’t get discouraged if your mind wanders for a spell, bring it back and re-focus. Your partner will sense your attentiveness and be ever so grateful.

10. Drop Old Issues

It might sound crazy to bring up past issues and hurts while in an argument, but couples do it all the time. There is no reason to bring up the past. Ask yourself: “What’s the point? What am I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to fix the problem or make it worse?” Old issues have no place in the present. Let them go. Concentrate on the here and now.

The bottom line is: make your relationship stronger, not weaken it.

11. Learn to say “Sorry” and mean it

People make mistakes. It’s good to apologize. Not just a fake apology, but a true, heart-felt apology. Apologies go a long way to repair a broken relationship. If you are in the wrong, say it. Mean it. Make sure the person understands that you are making amends.

You are not going to come off as weak if you say you’re sorry. Not only will you validate your partner’s feelings, you’ll gain respect. More than likely, your partner will say something like, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean that.” Make amends when you need to. Your partner will look at you with the loving eyes you crave.

Final Thoughts

Love is the most beautiful thing on earth. Being loving is the most amazing gift you can give. All the heart flutters, the butterflies in the belly, and the buckling knees, can’t replace genuine loving acts.

Don’t allow your relationship to be fed by simply stringing a set of words together. It takes a great deal more than that. It takes a Commitment, an Action, and a Decision. Done over and over again.

You have everything you need right here. It’s the start you need to make it to the finish line of your relationship. If your relationship has suffered an injury, implement the above tips for a week, a month. See what happens.

– Esther Ijewere™©

Kindly like, follow, share and drop your comments. *winks*

Instagram: Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/estherijewere/

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DO THESE 4 THINGS WITH YOUR MAN BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO MARRY HIM

A successful transition into marriage requires a good amount of work before the wedding day.

Getting married to your man is an exciting event to look forward to, but before you say your “I dos,” you need to do four things to ensure your relationship will last.

  1. Travel together

Going on a road trip will put you and your future husband in close quarters with each other for a long time. You will start to recognize different aspects of your relationship when you are stuck with him. Little annoyances, like singing loudly and off key to every song that comes on a radio is tolerable for the first 20 minutes, but after three hours in? Maybe not so much. You might discover that traveling with your man makes you or him more irritable with one another or more tolerable.

Being able to communicate during stressful conditions like getting lost or losing hotel reservations will help you solve problems together in the future when money is tight or your children have broken something expensive. If you can get through a long road trip together and look back on it with fond memories, consider it a green light for your marriage.

2. Discuss expectations

You most-likely have an expectation of how your marriage is going to operate. Perhaps you expect him to split the household chores evenly and for both of you to work full-time when you have children. On the other hand, he might expect you to stay home when you have children and do all of the household chores since you are a stay-at-home mom.

Before you get married, tell each other about your expectations for necessities like money, children, jobs and household duties. Most importantly, discusses your expectations for each other. You need to know what he expects of himself and of you. He needs to know what you expect of yourself and of him. Then compromise with one another.

3. Spend time apart

You love each other and therefore, you want to spend every moment together, but now is actually the time to spend time apart. Someone once said distance makes the heart grow fonder, which is true, but distance also make a relationship healthier. Men and women need companionship in friends and family. As much as your future husband loves you, he might not understand your need to talk for hours about everything under the moon, but your best girlfriend totally understands that need. Don’t be afraid to have a girl’s night without him.

If you don’t trust your man when he is away, you must learn to do so. Make expectations clear when it comes to talking to people of the opposite gender. Something to him may seem like a innocent action, but it could look like cheating in your eyes and vice versa.

4. Disagree with each other

If you always agree with your future husband, take a step back and think about your relationship. Disagreements, arguments and different opinions are important in a healthy relationship. Sometime down the road you are going to disagree about a course of action, so before you get married, it is vital that you learn to compromise.

5. Discuss expectations

You most-likely have an expectation of how your marriage is going to operate. Perhaps you expect him to split the household chores evenly and for both of you to work full-time when you have children. On the other hand, he might expect you to stay home when you have children and do all of the household chores since you are a stay-at-home mom.

Before you get married, tell each other about your expectations for necessities like money, children, jobs and household duties. Most importantly, discusses your expectations for each other. You need to know what he expects of himself and of you. He needs to know what you expect of yourself and of him. Then compromise with one another.

These four things will shed light on all aspects of your relationship. Understanding every side of your future husband will help your transition smoothly into your married life.

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WIFE APPLIES FOR DIVORCE BECAUSE HUSBAND SHOWS TOO MUCH LOVE

In what seems to be an odd play out of marriage, a woman in the United Arab Emirates has asked the court to dissolve her marriage because her husband shows her ‘too much love’, helps with the housework and showers her with gifts.

According to reports, the UAE woman told a Sharia court in Fujairah that her ‘endearing’ husband has never argued or yelled at her and was always kind.

When she complained about his weight, the man embarked on a strict weight loss regime of dieting and exercise which left him with a broken leg.

But this did not please the angry wife who still complained of his many gifts and compliments, according to local media.

According to her:

“I am eagerly longing for a single day of dispute, but this seems impossible with my romantic husband who always forgave me and showered me with daily gifts.

‘I need a real discussion, even an argument, not this hassle-free life full of obedience.”

The husband begged the court to deny the divorce request.

He told the court:

“It’s not fair to judge a marriage from the first year, and everybody learns from their mistakes. I am and always wish to be a perfect and kind husband.”

However, the court has adjourned the case to give the couple a chance to settle the dispute themselves.

Meanwhile, back home in Nigeria, celebrity media personality Toke Makinwa has implored women to cause drama and “f**k sh*t up” so as to spice their relationship.

This new take on relationships makes us ask that old question, “What do women really want?”

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4 QUALITIES OF A KEEPER; HOW TO RECOGNIZE A GOOD GUY

I have a dear friend who was once vivacious and cheerful. As a teenage girl, she had a promising future. She was beautiful, warm, smart and talented. She dated a lot and was widely admired. She had “the pick of the litter” as far as guys went. In college, she met a charismatic guy who made her laugh. He swept her off her feet and they married.

Soon enough, she found out that Prince Charming was really a sociopath. She stayed with him for the sake of her children and suffered in an unhappy, abusive marriage for many years before leaving.

Marriage is a hugely exciting prospect, but when you’re in love with someone, sometimes your emotions can cloud your judgment. Maybe he’s a fun guy, but is he worthy to take your hand in marriage? Can you imagine him as the father of your children?

Of course, you don’t want to spend your life with “Mr. Blah,” but bear in mind the long road ahead. Before committing to the wrong guy, consider the following all-time top four qualities of a keeper. Remember, this is your future we’re talking about!

  1. He is kind to young children and old women

A guy who is both tender with kids and respectful to the elderly is worth a second look. I have a brother-in-law who adores my kids. Even after having children of his own, he makes my kids feel special and cool. He loves roughhousing with them and blending fruit smoothies for them. Similarly, a guy who is a gentleman to his mom and other women is a keeper. A man’s behavior toward women says volumes about the type of person he is.

  1. He is willing to get his hands dirty

When the car stalls or the gutters need cleaned, it’s sure handy to have a manly guy around. Even if your guy isn’t a skilled mechanic or handyman, it’s nice to have someone who will dig in and not shy away from hard work.

A guy with a strong work ethic will teach your children the value of hard work. Don’t settle for someone lazy or someone who won’t pitch in to help maintain your home. A man who extends a helping hand to others is someone worthy of your love, too.

  1. He isn’t in love with himself

Steer clear of the guy who moons over himself. You know – the guy who never saw a mirror he didn’t like.

Who wants to spend her life with a vain man? It’s fine to want to look nice, and no one wants to be with a slob – but pay attention to your man’s ego and make sure he’s not a slave to fashion (for example, too hipster) or his physique. You don’t want a selfish or narcissistic hubby.

  1. He is honest

When you’ve snagged an honest man, you can be assured of several things. Your husband won’t be unfaithful to you. He’ll be true to his co-workers, boss, friends and family members. He’ll be upfront in his financial dealings. When he makes mistakes, he won’t hide them from you because he is a man of honor.

You’ll enjoy peace of mind and feel more secure in your marriage with an honest man.

Each of these four attributes points to another attribute: humility. Find and marry someone who is humble, because he will regard you more highly than himself.

 

By: Megan Gladwell

Originally for Familyshare

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8 REASONS IT’S HARD FOR SMART WOMEN TO FIND LOVE

Finding love is not an easy feat for anyone. If you are a woman who is of a higher intellect, chances are you have had an even harder time finding a fulfilling relationship. Society tends to think less of a woman who is single, as if there is something inherently wrong with them. This is definitely not the case. Below are 10 reasons why it can be harder for smart women to find love.

  1. They aren’t afraid to be by themselves.

Smart women know what they want and aren’t willing to settle for anything less. They know the importance of staying true to themselves and they also realize that sacrificing their needs for the sake of love with the wrong person will only cause resentment in the long run. They do not have to settle out of fear of being alone, or fear of social implications by others’ who do not understand a woman’s ability to be by herself, and be happy.

2. They know what they want.

Every woman has a mental “checklist” of what they are looking for in a significant other. A smart woman’s checklist tends to be either longer or more specific than those who want a significant other, just to have a significant other. They know themselves and in turn know what type of person they can and can’t be with.

  1. They don’t need another person to facilitate their lifestyle.

The past portrays that women needed to go straight from their father’s house to their husband’s. In the modern world women no longer need another person to help them live on their own; they may have realized they prefer that alone time. Therefore, knowing that they will eventually have to share that space can be scary for an independent woman.

  1. They have other commitments that take priority over dating.

Careers, friendships, family, extra-curricular pursuits, whatever it is that she has going on may not allow for as much time to date as it takes to find the right mate.

  1. They are hyper-aware that relationships end and can let their knowledge of the past affect their future potential relationships.

They have a harder time “living in the moment” and do not want to waste their time; as time truly is a valuable asset to a smart woman. They need to know that there is a future and that their potential mate is on the same page.  Marriages, kids, finances, etc.

  1. They know that attraction is only half the battle.

Physical attraction is an important aspect to finding love, but smart women understand that attraction is fleeting and can be altered once you see what is underneath.  While a woman’s hormones tend to make the first step towards finding love, smart women understand that it is the intimacy developed (and maintained) by both people that dictates whether or not a relationship can last.

  1. They can be intimidating.

When a woman is intelligent she isn’t afraid to stand up and say what she thinks. This is a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow. Whether it’s because they don’t know how to react, or if it’s because they don’t feel they can live up to her expectations; either way it can be somewhat intimidating for potential lovers and even friends.

  1. They understand Change.

They don’t pretend that they, and their partners, will be the same person years down the road. They want to grow and they have ambitions for their futures that will change who they are, and ultimately, what they want. Knowing this makes it harder for a woman to commit to a partner for a long period of time.

 

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EKENE ONU: EVERYONE NEEDS A SUPPORTIVE SPOUSE 

Yesterday I spent the day at my Refresh soul sisters dental office. She had her annual free Dental day where she and her team of dentists give free dental care to the less fortunate. She recruited me to give motivation, inspiration and transformation and when Tejumade St Matthew-Daniel calls you…you feel compelled to come 😉. 

They saw over 200 patients. And at the end of the day, as is her way, she asked me what the most impactful moment was for me. 

There were so many but l’ll tell you what touched me the most was how she and her husband worked together. He was front and center supporting and pouring into his wife’s mission. He is a successful physician himself (He was actually on call that day) and he brought his office team to volunteer. While she was seeing patients, he was not somewhere sitting as Oga concerned. He was walking around, working with the volunteers, speaking to the people waiting for medical attention. 

During her thank you speech, she honored him and whenever I speak to either of them, they speak so highly of each other. It was beautiful to see a model of a marriage fueled by purpose and bound by love. 

Some might think he isn’t Nigerian but he is. They are both Nigerian and they are one of the powerhouse couples I know. 

It strikes me as amazing because unfortunately, so often there is some unnecessary tension in some marriages. Some men have been socialized to believe that being a husband means controlling a woman and sometimes even suffocating her passion and drive out of her. Some are so threatened by strong women. 

If you meet Tejumade, you will say she is a strong woman. She is. No doubt about it. If you meet me, you might say the same perhaps. 

So many (Nigerian) men find strong women troubling. I myself have heard the phrase “be forming strong woman there o!) from different men. 

But then some women get it twisted too. They are also controlling and emasculating and more. Some women become warriors at war with the wrong enemy. But these control dramas are not about gender…

They are about emotional and spiritual immaturity. 

For the insecure and immature, love is often replaced by control and intimidation is used by many husbands/wives as opposed to affection and loving communication. For some men, they just want their wives to be quiet. Just acquiesce. To have no voice…as if she was not created by God to fulfill purpose…and sometimes it is the voice of your partner that will alert you to danger. 

My father and I were talking last year about culture, tradition and gender relations. And he said finally…any society that doesn’t value and make room for the contributions of it’s women is like a dog trying to walk on just two legs. 

Our people say that what an old person sees sitting down, a young person can not see standing up. 

Back to the couple of the hour. I have been blessed to spend time with them and they are both purpose driven, sold out to God and constantly investing in their own growth. This I believe is the key. They are both yearning to be the best people they can be. Individually and together and they support each other’s growth. 

We are all meant to be strong in the Lord. To be of good courage is not a mandate only for men. For God has given us all (men and women alike) a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. 

When a strong man and woman unite = 💥💥Powerhouse couple.

Yesterday, because of the efforts of a powerhouse couple and their teams, hundreds of lives were changed. 

Selah.

Curled from her Facebook page 

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FEYI OKUPE : MARRIAGE WON’T SOLVE YOUR LONELINESS

Hi Ladies,

It’s another Saturday, lots of weddings to attend and someone out there might just be feeling left out because it’s not their turn, or they might be feeling left out because they don’t have a “Bae”, whereas this shouldn’t be the case. To buttress my point, I’ll say this….

“Marriage doesn’t solve your Loneliness, so don’t rush into Marriage because you are lonely. There are so many Lonely-Married people and you don’t want to be one of them.”

You see, I have heard a lot of singles ladies say they are lonely because they are not in a relationship like some of their peers, some of them also feel the solution is to get married but I disagree because Marriage is not the solution to loneliness. I have heard of many cases where a Wife is so lonely and lacks companionship in her home, despite being married and living with her spouse. So, please ladies, don’t rush into marriage because it’s trending or because you attend weddings every Saturday and feel like it’s the next achievement on your bucket list. Marry because you are ready and because you are fully prepared for what it entails. Trust me, it’s beyond a 6-hour event, so please prepare. If you feel lonely, get busy. Get involved in productive activities, go on holiday, hang out with good friends, watch a movie; read a book and work on your purpose. Enjoy the free time you have now and maximise it. Don’t let your age / family pressure you. Relax, be patient; you will get married at the right time according to God’s will.

Have a blessed / restful weekend. ❤️????

Feeyi Okupe

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MINA MARTINS: HERE IS WHERE MOST PEOPLE GO WRONG IN CHOOSING A SPOUSE

Do you know what you want in a life partner? At some point in your life, you will ask yourself this question. If you never have, and you are looking to settle down soon, then you are headed for trouble.

It is simple to assume that you know what you are looking for. Tall, dark, handsome, financially stable, Godfearing… coming up with the perfect adjective to describe your future partner might not seem like that hard of a thing to do. But are you looking for what you want or what you think you should want? Let me give you two examples that inspired this article.

Deborah is a very good friend of mine, I have known her since secondary school. We hang out a lot and of course, often had discussions about men, relationship and all. The guys she dated, she never asked them for a dime. Some offered and some didn’t but Deborah was determined to not be the ‘materialistic’ girl.
A few years ago, she met Fred. Fred was just about to conclude a post-graduate course. Fred was a dreamer. He hoped to build and run a successful business one day. He was completely disinterested in working for anyone. Deborah saw his passion and was drawn to it. She was his rock while they dated. Even though he didn’t have it all figured when he proposed, she agreed because she believed in him.

She believed that even though he was not where he should be in terms of finances, he would get there. She believed her patience and -for lack of a better word- investment will pay off someday. It sounded noble and like Deborah often repeated to me whenever I asked her why she would want someone who could offer her less than what she grew up with, “I am a good girl. Good girls don’t go after the money.

Things were perfect for a few months after their wedding. Sure, they struggled since they mostly had to depend on her income but it was okay. She had her man’s back.
Then a while later, resentment started to build. She found herself envying her friends’ marriages where the men took the reins financially and showered their women with gold and trinkets. She looked at her struggling husband and started to even doubt that he loved her. She once told me, “how would he say he love me but cannot buy me ordinary birthday present?” I said, “well, you never minded when you were dating.” “Yeah, but it’s been four years,” she said, her voice quiet.

To Deborah, hanging in there with her man had an expiration date. Underneath it all, she wanted the fancy things but she could not bring herself to admit it because she feared how others would interpret it. So she got into a marriage with someone who was struggling. She figured someday, she will get returns for all her ‘hard work.’

Maybe he will make it, maybe he wouldn’t. But one has to worry how badly the resentment would affect their marriage. Her man could begin to feel insecure. And even if he becomes a multi-trillionaire someday, there may be way too much damage done to their marriage to survive.

Then there is Olu, one of my husband’s closest friends. He could not wait to get married. He was nearing 35. Most of his friends were either married or close. He and his buddies would hang out and the subject of an ideal wife will come up. I was hanging out with the guys one day when they seriously bashed one of Olu’s ex-girlfriends for being unable to cook. ‘What was the point in her being a woman,’ they wanted to know.
So Olu continued on his quest for a great cook. And he found one in Dolapo. Dolapo was beautiful, respectful and brought it in the kitchen. His buddies patted him on his back. Olu had found the perfect woman, they thought.

One day, a year after they got married, Olu did not go home after work. He came over to our house and asked to speak to my husband. They both went out to a nearby bar to talk. They were out for hours and I knew it must be big.

It was nearly midnight when they both returned. I asked no questions while I set up the guest bedroom for Olu for the night.

After he left for home early the next morning, my husband revealed to me that his marriage was in trouble?

From what I gathered, while Dolapo, to everyone, was the perfect wife, she was not fulfilling the biggest need Olu had. There were complaints about how she would not upload his photo on her social media, she did not notice when he got a new haircut, clothes and so on. Even though she cooked his meals, took care of his home, was respectful and mostly minded her business, Olu did not believe she loved him because she never held his hand in public or gave him random words of admiration and affection. Whenever he tried to bring it up, she shrugged it off. She grew up with a certain idea of what it meant to be a wife and as long as she did all she had learnt, then Olu had no reason to complain.

In fact, the night Olu spent at our home, he sent her a simple text message saying he was okay but was not coming home. She replied with ‘ok.’ No questions asked, no suspicions or query. Olu showed my husband the text as proof that his wife did not care.
“I would pay someone to cook the meals and clean my house if that meant I have a wife who gives a damn,” I was told he said at one point.

These are two people who were sure they knew what they wanted oblivious of the fact that they were subconsciously letting other people’s opinion make the decision for them.

So, again, do you know what you really want in a partner or do you want what you have been conditioned to want? Have you subconsciously allowed society, your friends, the media tell you what you should want?

The choice of who you spend the rest of your life with is one of the most important choices you will make. Stand in your own truth. Want what you want. No apologies.

If for instance, you want financial stability, then find that. Do not settle for less unless you know for a fact that if he never reaches that goal of big mansions and expensive cars, you will still be perfectly okay. A man is not a business investment. Stop listening to those that say, “hang in there, he will make it someday.” This puts a clock on your marriage and pressure on your partner. This ruins you before you even begin.

If emotional and physical connection is more important to you than a woman who makes the best meals, then be true to you. Because at the end of the day, it’s you and your partner in that room, figuring out your marriage, reaping its benefits or wallowing in disappointment.
This is one decision no one can make for you. There are no perfect traits. Find what works for you and stick with it
Do you know what YOU want in a partner? If you have no idea, you shouldn’t be getting married.

ABOUT MINA

Mina is the writer alter-ego of a very introverted woman filled with dreams of changing the world. She is a wife, mother and cupcake lover.
She can be reached via Email: Minamartins13@yahoo.com

Source: Bellanaija

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MRSCEONAIJA : DOES YOUR SPOUSE LOVE SPENDING? HOW TO MANAGE A ‘SPENDAHOLIC’ SPOUSE.

No one is perfect says the world but some vices are more bothersome than the others. Many men can relate with this topic. I wonder if men talk about how much their wives love to spend on hair- whether braids, wigs or natural replenishment. Better still, if they talk about our bags, watches, lotions, spas, dresses, perfumes. What of our vacations? And our constant shopping of toys for the kids!! Oh women!

Ok, now that we have satisfied the men, let us share some of the ache of the ladies. Does your man spend a lot on TGIF! A drink here and there, designer belts, designer ties and shirts- all the same color (white and blue). God bless the women that their spouses love games too! What of the man that likes to loan everyone in the office?

Spending is part of life. Some will argue, what is the point of earning money and stashing it. What is the point of investment? If not to spend it later. There is a popular Ebenezer Obey song that says ‘olowo majeye, eyin lomo, awon to laye lana da, won ti ku won ti lo’. It means rich man/woman that doesn’t want to spend and enjoy life, na you sabi. those that were alive yesterday are dead and gone.

I agree to an extent. It sucks to be stingy. It sucks to have money and live like a pauper. However, there are limits.

A spendaholic is someone that spends arbitrarily. This means irrational, not planned, not needed spending. Spending for the sake of spending. Spending as if he/she did not work hard to earn the money. Spending on any and everything. Buying everything in sight. This is not cool.

Here are tips to handle.

1.Show the problem. First step is to show the spender that there is a problem. Most spenders have different reasons for their habits. Some will say ‘ how much is this bag sef, sebi it is just N20,000. What can I do with that money anyway. It cannot buy me land, cannot buy me a car. So let me enjoy’. Educate the person that N50,000 set aside monthly for 10 years is N6,000,000. Even without any interests. Go through the person’s bank statement and add up all the little costs here and there and it will amaze you how much it adds up to.

2.Proffer alternatives but don’t create a bondage. No one wants to feel like a child being monitored, so allow flexibility. An easy way to do this is to create 3 accounts: one for yourself, one for spouse and one for joint projects. Agree with your spouse an amount on projects and investment and focus your energy on that. Example, we try to do 30%- 40% on investments and dedicate that to the joint project account. Then, each person can manage his/her personal pocket money as they like. They secret here is to take as much as possible for projects so that spouse has just enough for life! (Wink) and a few luxuries. Also, ensure both of you are aligned to the project or dream. Do not impose your dreams on your spouse. This is a NO- NO! and NO!

3. Link loans to spouses account or set up alternative systems. A clean way to block money with a shopaholic is to link project loans to the account. Whether we like it or not, the debit alert for loans happen ‘gbagaun’ automatically monthly. So link this and you won’t have to worry about ‘lau lau’ spending. However, ensure that loans are taken for productive ventures that can pay itself and the interests on capital.

a.Alternatively, set up recurring bank instructions. You can instruct the bank to move some money out of your account into a savings account as soon as allowy/salary lands at month end.

4. Have a budget and financial goals. This is key. Every year, I set financial goals. E.g.

a.I want to build a commercial property

b.I want to build up cash up to XX amount

c.I want to pay off loans

d.I want to invest in children’s education trust fund

e.I want to set up a community CSR fund pot.

f.I want to set up children’s university savings

g.I want to establish my younger one’s business

h.I want to take a vacation.

Let us be clear. This is not about me. So replace ‘I’ in above sentences with your name. This is about you. Make a list of your financial goals for 2017 now. Draw up a budget too. What % of your income will you spend on accommodation, feeding, education, children’s school fees, beauty, tithe, giving back, transport, savings, investment, gadgets etc?

5. Keep some fun money aside. All work and no play makes Adunni a dull girl. So remember Obey’s song. Spend some money on things you love, things that make you happy so you can live long enough to spend the savings. Remember, no one was born a shopaholic. With a lot of love, support and education, your spouse will be a financial guru in no time. At the same time, don’t victimize your spouse in the name of financial training. Everyone is different and your spouse may never get to the level of discipline you have.

What do you think?

By: MrsCeo Naija

Pic Credit: shutterstock.com

 

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