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Esther Ijewere: 5 Toxic People To Remove From Your Life Right Now

Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” If that’s true, you’d better believe that you’re going to catch any noxious qualities your top 5 are suffering from. Keep in mind: these kinds of infections aren’t only spread through physical contact. You can catch them through social media or even television. In other words, the 5 people you spend the most time with could be people you haven’t met, people whose Instagram profiles you constantly peruse or even fictional characters on a television show you watch daily.

At any rate, if any of your top 5 people are on this list, quarantine yourself from them post-haste before you catch their bad qualities.

The pessimist

You find the day looks a little grayer after hanging out with this fellow. She has a habit of seeing the mud instead of the sun, and she tends to leave glasses half empty all over your house. Her negativity is catching, so make sure to expel this friend from your life.

Symptoms of spending time with the pessimist are: loss of sunny attitude, prevalent dissatisfaction with daily activities, whiny voice and chronic complaining.

The envier

She can’t help but want what you have. This is the girl  who starts telling you how great single life is as soon as you have a boyfriend or plays down the fact that you rocked it at work. Good friends are happy about your successes, but the envier is not a good friend.

Symptoms of having this character in your life: unusual dissatisfaction with and unwarranted guilt for things you were previously grateful for.

The gossiper

I’m not going to say there’s no satisfaction from gossiping, but at the end of the day, do you want to be a person who talks about others behind their backs? This friend makes all that dishing so easy-it’s practically inescapable. He thinks he’s making others look bad, but when all is said and done, the gossiper is the one who’s looking pretty awful.

Symptoms of chilling with your gossiper homie: increased unfair judgment, damaged friendships and loss of trust.

The victim

“Woe is me!” is the mantra of this friend. She doesn’t appreciate your advice because there’s obviously nothing she can do to fix the situation. I mean, it’s not like any of her life’s tragedies are her fault.

Symptoms of having a victim in your life: recurring pointed finger, loss of problem-solving skills and reduced motivation.

The backstabber

Let’s be real-Caesar didn’t seem too surprised when Brutus approached him with a knife. You know which friends you can trust and which you can’t. Don’t give someone trust they don’t deserve. The backstabber wants the upper hand, and staying friends with this character is just giving him the opportunity to take it.

Symptoms of developing a relationship with a backstabber: damaged reputation, diminished self-esteem and increased desire to grab knives.

Even though these people are infecting you, take care when removing them from your life. After all, your goodness may have a healing effect on them. This doesn’t mean you should be in the business of fixing anyone. It just means you should do your best to avoid causing further damage when you might have the power to soothe their ails.

On the other hand, you can always avoid making these toxic people the top 5 who occupy your life. Limit their presence on your news feed. Dilute their influence by hanging out with them in groups. And if this toxic person is someone you don’t even know, remove him or her completely.

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Mercy Makinde: Goal Settings Tips For Female Entrepreneurs

 The buzzwords going around this first month of the year are Goals and Goal-Setting! Throughout the media, Internet and even in the Board Rooms, Goal setting is BIG. It’s everywhere and everyone is talking about how important it is to set your goals.

Before now goal setting was considered a masculine activity. Women relish in their ability to multi-task and get loads of things done at the same time and quickly too, so they shy away from setting clear, specific and meaningful goals. Many female entrepreneurs still have not realised the power of setting effective business goals.

To be a female entrepreneur without business goals is like getting in the car and driving around town without a clear direction of where you are going!

It is impossible to really know if your daily activities and strategies are moving you in the right direction if you do not set business goals.

Can you imagine getting in the car to go shopping without knowing what market or shop you want to go to or where they are located? That is precisely what you do when you begin your business year without a goal in mind.

Not only should you set goals for your business, you should also map out strategies on how you will achieve each goal and set deadlines. Goals should be written down and reviewed over time to ensure you are hitting your targets. Here are a few tips to help you set achievable goals in 2017.

Identify What You Want

The first real step to an effective goal setting is knowing what you want in life. As simple as that may sound if you ask many people what they want and where they would realistically want to be in a year, two years or five years, they do not have a clue. Speak to employers of labour, I’m sure they can relate!

So sit down and work out what you truly want in life, business, family, career and even leisure. There is an excellent tool you can use as guide called ‘The Wheel of Life’.

Make Your Goals Holistic

Set goals in every area of your life – Social, Family, Business, Relationships, Leisure, Spiritual and Financial Goals.

Write Your Goals Down

Write down your goals as often as you can. Our brain cannot keep a tab on all our thoughts so, Write Them Down! Remember, The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory!

Keep It Simple

Do not overwhelm yourself with too many goals. You cannot change everything in a day. And everything you want in life cannot be achieved in one single year. So keep it real, keep it simple!! Take consistent action and over time, you will get to where you want to be

One Step At A Time

Don’t get overwhelmed with goals that seem too far-fetched and unrealistic. They should be realistic and achievable. For example if you are a jewelry maker and you currently make 10 jewelry sets a week. Would it make sense to increase to 100 a week from 10? A more realistic goal would be 15-20 a week and when you achieve that you can increase again to 25 -30. In other words, set incremental goals and build the momentum. This way your Goals Will Be Achievable Or Doable.

Record Your Milestones

Track your progress and list your accomplishments as you go along. This is important because when you hit setbacks and get frustrated, your achievement so far will help you stay encouraged and focused.

Reward Yourself

Whenever you have achieved a set goal, reward yourself. This helps you to stay motivated.Clearly, from these few tips, goal setting is definitely not as complex and scary as it sometimes appears. Setting goals is only designed to help stretch you and make you grow.

Nonetheless after following these steps, if you don’t take action to execute all you have put down, your goals will be nothing but dreams or a mere wish and that doesn’t take you anywhere but leaves you worse than the person who didn’t write at all! So, take charge of your goals and focus on achieving great results. You can do it!

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6 Relationship Questions You Should Ask Before Commitment

Many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before commitment and marriage, so they end up becoming strangers to each other and later find themselves at the centre of a hot-headed dispute with regrets and consequences. However, this can be avoided, if the following questions are asked:

What do we truly want in a relationship?

Not what someone else (family, friends or society) thinks it should be but what you both want in a relationship. You will be living together 24-hours per day and 7 days per week for the rest of your lives and blending your life with another is very crucial.  Is it only love, fun, affection, sexual satisfaction, shared responsibilities, open mindedness, support for each other’s goals?

What are you unwilling to accept and tolerate?

This is an important question with an endless list that includes: abuse, addiction, control, emotional manipulation, co-dependent tendencies, financial irresponsibility, self-centeredness, lying, infidelity, laziness, etc. The erroneous belief that love is enough to sustain and tolerate these isn’t always the case afterwards. Talking about this before commitment will help to prevent conflict eventually.

How will we handle money?

This is a major cause of conflict among couples. Will you both operate joint accounts? Attitudes on spending and saving? This is an issue that often leads to divorce if couples don’t handle their views on spending and savings in a collaborative way. Discuss many specifics about money before commitment in order to avoid a potential split and daily arguments.

How many children do we prefer to have?

It is unsafe to assume that your partner feels the same way as you do regarding having children without both of you discussing it. Questions regarding sex of the children, number of children, addressing fertility issues in case it arises, adoption, infertility treatments are important. Ensure you both have similar perspective on this crucial topic before commitment in order to prevent separation later in life.

How involved can our in-laws and extended family be in our lives?

It is crucial to draw clear boundaries of your parents’ or extended family’s interference into your lives. Ensure there is clarity on what you will both accept and what you will not accept. However, consider that here in Nigeria, when you marry someone, you also enter into a relationship with their family and loved ones too.

Would we share domestic duties?

Although, women still bear more domestic responsibility than men, but many women prefer house chores are to be shared between a couple.  Endeavour to ask this important question, if you are to have a fifty-fifty split when it comes to cleaning, cooking, washing the dirty clothes, bathing the children, etc. These lifestyle factors can determine how frequently you will argue. Sort these issues out before commitment!

Do you feel comfortable discussing sex, passion and our intimate life?

Are you both completely satisfied with your sex drive?  Is there anything either party wants but isn’t getting? Your sex life won’t always be easy and intensely passionate eventually. Often times, several couples do have a relationship or sexual issue at some point.  However, proper communication will help to prevent this problem from escalating and adequately help a couple to resolve it. Sexual in-satisfaction usually leads to masturbation, infidelity, and eventually divorce if not managed properly.

So, before commitment, you should ask each other these salient questions above and endeavour to have clear answers, convictions in order to have a happy and long lasting marriage.

 

Source: Guardian.ng

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Adanwa: 3 Reasons Why Nigerians Should Marry Nigerians

Remember the one time when you were young and you stepped out at an African function and your aunty told you, “my dear, you better marry a Nigerian ohh”; or the time you were told: “I hope you know that your husband will be a Nigerian”. You wondered why they were even talking to you because you were only twelve years old.

Now, fast forward, and you are 28, getting ripe. To your aunties, probably overripe, looking for Mr. Right.

Of course, you have have your list of qualifications and requirements in hand: he must be this tall, have a degree, and hopefully not do drugs, never been to jail. Is the question of being Nigerian ever on the list?

People will always tell you love is blind; but is that because you choose not to see or play the cards you have been dealt? My mom says: “he that truly searcheth will find”. So, if you are really looking hard for a Nigerian spouse, won’t you get one?

We have all heard the rumors about the Yoruba demons or the wicked Igbo boys that every girl dates and swears she will never talk to a Nigerian man again, but they always come back. Obviously, everyone has different opinions and no one can stop love when it comes, but are you searching out for your dream Nigerian guy?

I can think of a few good reasons why:

Cultural Barrier

Nigerians have a rich culture, and so many different ethnic groups within a single nation. To find that you marry out of your nationality now, not only are they not from your country, they are also not your ethnicity. Wahala dey go.

Mixed weddings and cultural infusions are really cool in the photos, but Nigerian weddings are pretty complex and the last thing anyone wants to do is start trying to combine two completely different cultures into a perfect celebration on one night. Nevertheless, as previously stated, it can be done.

Preserve the Roots

A recent study by the National Geographic showed that by the year 2050, a majority of Americans will be multi-racial. Some say that this shows great strides ahead for the future of racial relations, but what does it say for the future of culture and ethnic backgrounds? Nigerians marrying Nigerians will have a great movement in preserving our culture for the coming generations. As a people, Nigerians have worked so hard to make their mark in the Western World; should we really allow our culture to evaporate for the sake of racial ambiguity?

Convenience

Needless to say, although a lot of people will disagree, it is easier to marry a Nigerian. Imagine all the nervousness you had in your heart when you had to introduce your significant other to your parents. You could either say, “Mom, this is my boyfriend and he’s from Ikeji” or “Mom, this is my boyfriend Alex and he’s…..(not Nigerian)”. There a lot of less cultural gaps to fill when someone is from the same country as you and a lot less stories to explain as well. Plus, he will understand why you drink Peak milk with your tea and bread or why you go to church on New Year’s Eve.

To sum it up, you will need to agree on religion, finance, and family planning as a couple to truly succeed as a Nigerian couple.

As many will argue, these are the reasons why a lot of Nigerian marriages fail. We will leave those for another discussion.

Love is love no matter how you name it and no matter who says I do. But for one Nigerian marriage enthusiast, the best way to fly is with green and white. Plus, Nigerian wedding photos make such great viral images on Instagram.

About Adanwa

The writer “adanwa” is a 20 year old Medical Student in the US. She enjoys reading, writing, cooking, staying fit, and blogging for carefreemedgirl.wordpress.com. Her friends would describe her as a Sports Fanatic and a Southern Belle. Needless to say, she is proud of her Nigerian heritage and is an advocate for African culture and society.

Source: Bellanaija.com

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3 Ways To Tell If A Guy Is Just Using You To Boost His Ego

How do you know if a guy is genuinely interested in you or just wants to boost his ego?

There are a few tell-tale indicators that let you know he might be more interested in what you can do for him than actually in getting to know you.

If you’re looking to find lasting love with “The One” you need to know how to tell if a guy likes you, which means also making sure you’re familiar with these crystal clear signals that you’re being used, so you can spot a self-absorbed man before he wastes your time.

Here are five signs that he isn’t looking for love, he’s only looking for an ego boost:

  1. He sends you “Good morning!” and “Goodnight!” texts — and that’s it.

This guy consistently sends the sweetest texts greeting you in the morning and wishing you sweet dreams at night. You think it’s so nice that he’s thinking of you and letting you know it. However, if there isn’t much else to his communication, that’s your clue that he’s just into boosting his ego.

Chances are strong he’s texting a bunch of women twice a day to keep you on the line while feeling really good about himself. Doing this makes him feel like a desirable and popular ladies man with all the women on his daily texting list.

Don’t be one of the many hanging around hoping for more from this fellow. If the texting doesn’t get any deeper after a few days, stop responding or block him. Otherwise, this man is just going to waste your time.

2. He sends you a ton of fun and witty messages! Then nothing. Then MORE! Then nothing.

You connect with a guy online who sends the most engaging texts. Then suddenly you hear nothing. Days later he messages again … then nothing. Communicating is loads of fun, but he remains inconsistent. You’re always happy to hear from him — and sometimes he talks about getting together. Too bad no actual dates materialize.

Don’t be fooled by the engaging “forever texter” who never takes that next step to ask you out on a date.

3. He keeps appearing in—and then disappearing from —  your life, making you feel unstable and uncertain.

When you are seeing a guy who is inconsistent and your relationship falls into an on and off pattern, that’s a surefire indication that you’re dating a man who likely wants his ego stroked.

He gets together with you because he feels great in your presence. He feels strong, powerful or masculine when he’s around you. Even if he is attentive and thoughtful, he’s still doing it to boost his own ego. It’s a shame he can’t handle the closeness or has some other emotional availability issue that causes him to pull away.

Let go of the on and off again guy. Be strong and free yourself up to look for a man who is ready for the loving relationship you want.

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#Fitness| Top10 Health And Fitness Tips

  1. 1. Drinking Water


It varies from person to person or conditions but approximately you should drink a gallon of water every day . Maximum activities of human body are dependent on water for their proper functions. There is no one right answer to how much water you need, as it depends on each person and their lifestyle—you may need to modify your fluid intake depending on how active you are, where you live, your health, and if you are pregnant and/or breastfeeding.
Lack of appropriate quantity of water may cause a lot of disorders, so it is recommended to take a proper quantity of water daily.
2. Proper Exercises

Woman Running in City

For a hygienic body daily or interval base exercises are necessary which keep body fit. In exercise walking is the best exercise for heart fitness, overweight, proper digestion, refreshment of mind and proper functions of internal organs. Exercise boosts your metabolism, burns more fat, and takes less time to complete. Exercises depend on situations of person but generally it is recommended to walk two miles daily or as much as possible for an individual. Other exercises like weight lifting, jumping and swimming etc. make the body function work properly.
3. Use of Balanced Diet


Food is the basic need for the functions of human body. The human body needs a specific quantity of different ingredients for function so, it is recommended to use such a diet which contains all proper ingredients like protein, carbohydrates, vitamins and iron. Fresh vegetables, fruits, meat, pulses and food containing carbohydrates must be used in a proper quantity. These things contain the most quantity of diet which a human body needed.
4. Proper Sleeping
A suitable sleeping is the most important thing for a fit body and its absence may cause a lot of disorder and even severe disease if you are adopting all above tips but you are not taking a proper sleep all your body function may disturb. Sleeping time varies from age to age but for child minimum time is 8 hour for a young person minimum 7 and for aged persons 6 hours sleeping is necessary. For pregnant ladies more time is needed for sleeping as compared to normal ladies. Disturbing sleep may also cause physical disorders. Here some more health and fitness tips and tips to sleep better.
5. Taking Rest


All human body organs needed rest for their normal functions human body is like a machine and if this machine is over worked is may lose its balance. Over work both physical and mental may cause loss of health and much disorder. Continuous work and absence of rest is bad for a healthy body. There is no specific time for taking rest but as much rest as your body feels fresh and comfortable is recommended. It is also recommended for ladies and especially for pregnant ladies to take as much rest as possible because they needed it more than a normal person.
6. Entertaining Activities


For proper work human brain and body need aesthetic activities which make your mind work properly that is control center of whole human body. If you have a sound and proper functional mind you may possess a sound body and human body needs such activities which refresh your mind. For this activity visit of pleasure place , meeting friend, visiting clubs and cinemas is suggested.
7. Participating in Sports


In-door and outdoor games are key for a successful life. Games which demand mental exertion and physical energy are important for good health. Especially for ladies, who are less involved in sports activities as compared to men it is recommended to participate in sport activities. Indoor games like chess snooker and cards may increase your mental capability. Outdoor games cover a vast area depending on your interest and physiques are also necessary.
8. Cleanliness


Cleanliness is the part of most civilization’s moral values as well as part of world religions. It soothes both your body and mind. Water is the most common agent used for cleanliness which has amazing positive effects on human mind and body. Cleanliness saves you from a lot of epidemic diseases and makes body fresh. Cleanliness not in the matter of hygiene but in food saves you a lot of worries.
9. Apt Dressing


In the matter of dressing no specific genre can be suggested but the dressing which makes your body comfortable must be preferred. Sometime very tight dressing may make the body uncomfortable and disturbs health as well as your work.
10. Following a schedule


Thing can only be useful and beneficial if they are performed at their proper time and one’ access may not disturb other or they must be given their required time. Food, exercise, sleeping, rest and sport if performed at their proper time they will be effective and beneficial for body otherwise their irregular practice may be futile. So it is suggested to follow a proper schedule.

Source:www.wonderlist.com

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15 Perfect Things To Say To ‘Body Shamers’ Who Call You Fat

One of the hardest things about being fat is being fat in public and it sometimes leads to low self-esteem.

Battling the low self-esteem in my own head is one thing, but what to do when someone yells at me on the street is a whole other kettle of awful.

It is not uncommon for me to be minding my own business and hear someone yell “FAT!” as they walk by. “Hey, fat ass!” Is another phrase I’ve had hurled my way more than once.

The truth is it’s dehumanizing. It’s demoralizing. But I learnt not to feel that way anymore. I stopped letting these random insults go.

I don’t pick a fight, and I use common sense, but if the moment feels right, I call out the fat-shamers now.

In the moment it can be too terrifying to try and think of something quippy and smart to say.

That’s why we have  collected 15 things to say to the next stranger who thinks it’s socially acceptable to call you fat for no damn reason.

  1. “My body is not your business.”
  2. “So I’m fat. What’s the problem?”
  3. “I may be fat, but at least I’m not rude.”
  4. “Sorry, I’m already in a relationship.”
  5. “Please, please, I know you’re a fan, but no pictures today.”
  6. “I could lose weight if I wanted to. You, however, will always be rude.”
  7. “I’m sorry you’re hurting enough that yelling at a stranger seems acceptable.
  8. “Somebody clearly didn’t get hugged enough.”
  9. “I’m perfect just the way I am.”
  10. “The world is hard enough without adding your own particular brand of dickishness to it
  11. “I’m happy, can you say the same?”
  12. “I’m not fat, I’m abundant.”
  13. “I’m sorry, did you have something to say to me?”
  14. “A woman is so much more than the size of the pants that she wears.”

 

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Money Matters With Nimi: How To Survive While Unemployed

Thousands of young Nigerians are unemployed. After the grandeur of graduation ceremonies, the bachelors and masters degrees, and the troublesome NYSC, nothing turns out as expected. It could be a while before one secures a job. Until it comes, how does one survive?
Here are a few survival tips to keep you going while unemployed:

Calculate Your Income
Do you have any savings? How much do you spend every month on necessities? Divide that total into several months of “income,” that is the amount you need to live on each month. Of course, you don’t know for how long you will be without a job, so create income for about a year.

Create a Budget
When you have a reliable source of income, it is easy to ignore where all your money goes; another pay cheque will be in soon. Knowing what your money is being spent on, is the first step to cutting back on non-essentials without a drastic loss in your quality of life.

Review your Debt
Just because you aren’t earning doesn’t mean you should ignore your obligations. Prioritize what needs to be paid first. Try to pay a little something on each bill. Don’t avoid creditors; it’s the worst thing to do. Approach them and tell them your challenges; they may be prepared to reschedule payments or even write some of it off if you are lucky.

Network, Network, Network!
“Your network is your net-worth.” This is not the time to withdraw from your circles. Your network, including your immediate family, relatives, friends, colleagues, former clients, and business contacts, matter now more than ever. Everyone needs to know that you are in the job market. If you don’t have a profile on LinkedIn, create one and start networking on this powerful platform.Don’t cut off. Continue to socialize. Too much time alone can be isolating and lead to depression. Look for cheaper ways to socialise.

Develop Yourself
Are there some important skills you need in order to improve your prospects? Do you have the skills to get you to where you want to be? Now, don’t rush off to do the first Masters or PhD program you get admission for; I mean practical skills that all companies need such as IT or digital marketing skills. Consider doing it now and you will be better equipped with a skill set for your next job.

Volunteer
Volunteering can have a positive impact on your job search. It may not always lead to paid work, but it certainly does come with benefits. Volunteering will give you a sense of fulfilment. It will also enhance your personal skill set, introduce new knowledge and keep you in contact with people.

Perfect your CV
There is nothing more exasperating for a prospective employer than to have the misfortune of reading a CV full of grammatical and typographical errors. Prepare your CV and proofread it very carefully; there are many good online samples and tips to guide you. Do not pretend to be what you are not; you will be caught out. Your online presence matters; potential employees will look you up. It is so easy to jeopardise your prospects with inappropriate language, messaging or imagery.

Be Prepared
If you are one of the tiny percentage of those who get to secure an interview, you owe it to yourself to be prepared. If you don’t know anything about the company you are interviewing with, it could be embarrassing. Do your research. What value can you add? Look for problems to solve. Prepare questions that you wish to ask. There are literally thousands of people looking for work. What makes you unique?

Be Flexible
Don’t be too fixated on getting your dream job. Be prepared to accept a role that may not necessarily meet your expectations when you consider your qualifications, expertise, or your experience; this will tide you over while you continue the search.
Part-time, temporary, or contract work are ways of getting you employed. Some employers are looking for someone to work for just a few weeks or months; others may have part-time opportunities; such offers may eventually turn to actual long-term contracts or indeed full-time employment. You may also offer any special skills on a consultancy basis, whilst you scout for a more permanent role.
Earning as much as you can now will help you get through this period with fewer financial scars. You will also be gaining new skills and experience and preventing gaps in your CV which employers tend to frown at. But don’t neglect the job search or preparation for some challenging interviews.

Health is Wealth
Stressful life events can overwhelm a person’s ability to cope; this can lead to depression. Particularly if you are stressed or anxious, your health can be badly affected; a healthy diet and exercise is important for a sound mind and body. Use this time to put a proper regimen in place. It will put you in a much better frame of mind.

What Can You Do to Earn Extra Income?
This is the time to search inwards at your skills, talents, those things that you do effortlessly but have never leveraged on or thought of monetizing. Can you teach, can you bake, sew, take photographs, put your car on the road, rent out a room if you have space? Do you find it easy to fix things? Are you a social media expert? Everyone needs someone with tech skills. Many people are trying to bring a small business idea to life; can you assist with writing business plans? What solutions can you provide? People pay for solutions.

Save
Unemployment is one scenario that makes the need for emergency savings, glaring. If you have no savings, make this a priority once you’re back on your feet, immediately start preparing for the next possible emergency. Try to save up three to six months’ worth of expenses in an emergency fund.
Even if it takes you more than six months to find another job, you can often stretch that savings and a part-time job to a year or more. As soon as you can, start saving money again for the next emergency.

Remain Positive
Yes, you have already sent your CV to over 100 companies and interviewed with 22. Many will not even acknowledge your CV; it’s nothing personal. They’ve simply had so many to go through. Dust off the disappointment as quickly as you can and stay focused on the next opportunity. If you are down and dejected, it shows; employers are attracted to upbeat, enthusiastic, positive people.
Unemployment is one of life’s most challenging events, but it can also come with opportunities if you remain calm, proactive, focused and prepared to seize opportunities. This may just be the impetus you need to follow your passion; that dream and bring it to life. Who knows? You may soon be walking through the door of your own business and creating jobs.

About Nimi Akinkugbe
Nimi Akinkugbe has extensive experience in private wealth management. She seeks to empower people regarding their finances and offers frank, practical insights to create a greater awareness and understanding of personal finance. You can reach Nimi via the following: Email; info@moneymatterswithnimi | Website: www.moneymatterswithnimi.com | Twitter: @MMWITHNIMI | Instagram: @MMWITHNIMI | Facebook: MoneyMatterswithNimi

 

 

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Nkem Ndem: Keeping Secrets Could Actually Save Your Relationship

Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.

Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.

Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.

However, withholding information that directly affects or concerns the other individual or omitting any information that reveals the core of your identity, thus keeping your partner from having a complete picture of you (flaws and all) definitely constitutes as keeping a secret.

NKEM SAYS: KEEPING SECRETS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.
Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.
Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.
Continue reading on www.Womenofrubies.com link in bio #Womenofrubies #relationship #secret

Some of these secrets are usually linked to unpleasant topics such as money troubles/finances, job situation, fidelity or issues related to past or present mistakes.

Keeping secrets certainly indicates a lack of certain elements including trust, authenticity, and real intimacy.

However, it appears secrets could also help breed these same elements. I recently hung out with some colleagues, and during our discussions, the topic of keeping secrets in a relationship came up.

One of the guys raised a point that early in a relationship, it can be difficult to know just how much to reveal to the other person and so secrets become necessary to protect the growth of that relationship. He confessed that he had recently been introduced to a girl with whom he had been started dating for just about 1 month. He explained that on their last date, she had asked him how he raised the money to start his business. And rather than telling her it was savings he made from the time he was a yahoo boy, he told her he got financial support from his friends and family.
According to him, he was protecting the relationship as it was still at its blueprint stage and he was not yet comfortable disclosing the sins of his past.

Again, he wanted her to get to know him and fall in love with him for who he really is before sharing all that information with her. His submission was that just as no parent tells a child the whole truth, people in relationships should accept the ongoing need to edit their full reality to ensure trust and intimacy are forged. His situation also suggested that until you reach a certain comfort level, whereby you are both in it for the long haul, you are probably better off keeping a few things under wraps.

Sometimes when we meet someone new, we get drawn into the fantasy world where we believe that we have found “the one” and so we do all we can to build a foundation of trust. We forget the fact that relationships, especially nowadays, are volatile at best, and we turn our personal life into an open book, killing our relationships before it even gets the chance to thrive.

Surely, keeping certain dark secrets and revealing them in small doses and at appropriate times in relationships may be in everyone’s best interest. Chances are that you are not even the only one keeping a secret or two. You may be shocked later on, when you find out what your partner is keeping also under wraps.

Do you agree or not?

Nkem Ndem

About Nkem Ndem

Nkem Ndem V. is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for online writing(web content and blog) and editing, screenwriting, ghost writing, copy proofreading and book reviews. With a degree in Mass Communications, Nkem has been working as a freelance writer since 2011 and has collaborated with several organizations including Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Also, she works part-time as an English language tutor to prep candidates for EDEXCEL IGCSE, TOEFL or IELTS. Check out her Instagram page @kem_dem. Also, she tweets with the handle @ndemv and can be contacted via email: nkemndemv@gmail.com.

Source : Bellanaija

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