self development - Women of Rubies

In self development July 15, 2020 By Editor

Money Matters With Nimi: How To Survive While Unemployed

Thousands of young Nigerians are unemployed. After the grandeur of graduation ceremonies, the bachelors and masters degrees, and the troublesome NYSC, nothing turns out as expected. It could be a while before one secures a job. Until it comes, how does one survive?
Here are a few survival tips to keep you going while unemployed:

Calculate Your Income
Do you have any savings? How much do you spend every month on necessities? Divide that total into several months of “income,” that is the amount you need to live on each month. Of course, you don’t know for how long you will be without a job, so create income for about a year.

Create a Budget
When you have a reliable source of income, it is easy to ignore where all your money goes; another pay cheque will be in soon. Knowing what your money is being spent on, is the first step to cutting back on non-essentials without a drastic loss in your quality of life.

Review your Debt
Just because you aren’t earning doesn’t mean you should ignore your obligations. Prioritize what needs to be paid first. Try to pay a little something on each bill. Don’t avoid creditors; it’s the worst thing to do. Approach them and tell them your challenges; they may be prepared to reschedule payments or even write some of it off if you are lucky.

Network, Network, Network!
“Your network is your net-worth.” This is not the time to withdraw from your circles. Your network, including your immediate family, relatives, friends, colleagues, former clients, and business contacts, matter now more than ever. Everyone needs to know that you are in the job market. If you don’t have a profile on LinkedIn, create one and start networking on this powerful platform.Don’t cut off. Continue to socialize. Too much time alone can be isolating and lead to depression. Look for cheaper ways to socialise.

Develop Yourself
Are there some important skills you need in order to improve your prospects? Do you have the skills to get you to where you want to be? Now, don’t rush off to do the first Masters or PhD program you get admission for; I mean practical skills that all companies need such as IT or digital marketing skills. Consider doing it now and you will be better equipped with a skill set for your next job.

Volunteer
Volunteering can have a positive impact on your job search. It may not always lead to paid work, but it certainly does come with benefits. Volunteering will give you a sense of fulfilment. It will also enhance your personal skill set, introduce new knowledge and keep you in contact with people.

Perfect your CV
There is nothing more exasperating for a prospective employer than to have the misfortune of reading a CV full of grammatical and typographical errors. Prepare your CV and proofread it very carefully; there are many good online samples and tips to guide you. Do not pretend to be what you are not; you will be caught out. Your online presence matters; potential employees will look you up. It is so easy to jeopardise your prospects with inappropriate language, messaging or imagery.

Be Prepared
If you are one of the tiny percentage of those who get to secure an interview, you owe it to yourself to be prepared. If you don’t know anything about the company you are interviewing with, it could be embarrassing. Do your research. What value can you add? Look for problems to solve. Prepare questions that you wish to ask. There are literally thousands of people looking for work. What makes you unique?

Be Flexible
Don’t be too fixated on getting your dream job. Be prepared to accept a role that may not necessarily meet your expectations when you consider your qualifications, expertise, or your experience; this will tide you over while you continue the search.
Part-time, temporary, or contract work are ways of getting you employed. Some employers are looking for someone to work for just a few weeks or months; others may have part-time opportunities; such offers may eventually turn to actual long-term contracts or indeed full-time employment. You may also offer any special skills on a consultancy basis, whilst you scout for a more permanent role.
Earning as much as you can now will help you get through this period with fewer financial scars. You will also be gaining new skills and experience and preventing gaps in your CV which employers tend to frown at. But don’t neglect the job search or preparation for some challenging interviews.

Health is Wealth
Stressful life events can overwhelm a person’s ability to cope; this can lead to depression. Particularly if you are stressed or anxious, your health can be badly affected; a healthy diet and exercise is important for a sound mind and body. Use this time to put a proper regimen in place. It will put you in a much better frame of mind.

What Can You Do to Earn Extra Income?
This is the time to search inwards at your skills, talents, those things that you do effortlessly but have never leveraged on or thought of monetizing. Can you teach, can you bake, sew, take photographs, put your car on the road, rent out a room if you have space? Do you find it easy to fix things? Are you a social media expert? Everyone needs someone with tech skills. Many people are trying to bring a small business idea to life; can you assist with writing business plans? What solutions can you provide? People pay for solutions.

Save
Unemployment is one scenario that makes the need for emergency savings, glaring. If you have no savings, make this a priority once you’re back on your feet, immediately start preparing for the next possible emergency. Try to save up three to six months’ worth of expenses in an emergency fund.
Even if it takes you more than six months to find another job, you can often stretch that savings and a part-time job to a year or more. As soon as you can, start saving money again for the next emergency.

Remain Positive
Yes, you have already sent your CV to over 100 companies and interviewed with 22. Many will not even acknowledge your CV; it’s nothing personal. They’ve simply had so many to go through. Dust off the disappointment as quickly as you can and stay focused on the next opportunity. If you are down and dejected, it shows; employers are attracted to upbeat, enthusiastic, positive people.
Unemployment is one of life’s most challenging events, but it can also come with opportunities if you remain calm, proactive, focused and prepared to seize opportunities. This may just be the impetus you need to follow your passion; that dream and bring it to life. Who knows? You may soon be walking through the door of your own business and creating jobs.

About Nimi Akinkugbe
Nimi Akinkugbe has extensive experience in private wealth management. She seeks to empower people regarding their finances and offers frank, practical insights to create a greater awareness and understanding of personal finance. You can reach Nimi via the following: Email; info@moneymatterswithnimi | Website: www.moneymatterswithnimi.com | Twitter: @MMWITHNIMI | Instagram: @MMWITHNIMI | Facebook: MoneyMatterswithNimi

In self development July 15, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Tammy Kayne: How To Maintain Your Wig

Guys, before you run your fingers through her curly or straight tresses, gently ask if she is wearing a wig or she has fixed a temporal hairstyle to avoid any brouhaha😊🤣

Wearing a wig cap is the new norm even among our stars. If you are too busy hustling between work, learning for a degree and managing your home, the best option is to braid your hair and get a wig cap to compliment your stunning look.

It even gets better, hairstylist have wig caps for braids, you don’t have to sit for 4 hours to get a hairdo. Whether you want big tresses or half the size of a straw, you can get it readily available to buy.

However, some women are having difficulties keep the wig caps keeping their wig caps in good condition for future use. When it comes to wig caps, most women wear it for at least a month, switch for another hairstyle, the next one and probably wear the first one in the cycle again.

If you love wig caps as we do, here is how to keep it intact for reuse.

Brushing

Brush the wig thoroughly to remove any dirt or hidden particles. Brushing the wig cap makes it easier to wash

Washing

Treat your wig with care. Pour a trusted shampoo in lukewarm water and gently place the wig in it. Don’t squeeze and rub it. Let it soak, then move the hair clockwise and anticlockwise. Repeat the process twice and transfer to clean water.

Never use hot water to wear your wig because it can hair discolourization and weaken the fibres, and cold water can’t remove all the dirt accumulated in the hair.

Drying.

Pat dry your hair on a clean towel. Any sealed moisture can lead to mould growing on your wig, hence the need to make it completely dry before storing.

Don’t hang, blow dry, or place the wet wig in direct sunlight as this can damage the fibres.

Detangle.

Comb and detangle your wig cap starting from the ends. Starting combing from the ends first, then to the roots with a detangling comb with large teeth to prevent shedding. Apply your desired hair cream or hair oil and dry again with a hand dryer for 20 to 30 minutes.

Storage.

Fold your wig in half from ear to ear or braid the ends into two or four sections to prevent crumpling. You can place a hair net on the folded or braided wig cap to keep it in good shape especially with curled or wavy wigs to keep the style intact.

You can store the wig cap in a clean plastic bag. Pick a dry storage area and out of direct sunlight. Sunlight and heat will the dull the colour of your wig and break down the hair fibres for the strands to fall out.

You can place the wig you use often on a wig stand. If you are not using the wig anytime soon, you can bring it out from the storage and air dry it at least once a week to prevent it from smelling.

In self development July 12, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Yewande Jinadu: Can’t Shake Off Your Fear Of Interviews? This Story Should Help!

As an undergraduate, I was made to believe that if you finish with 2:1 (second-class upper) and above, you’re more likely to get a better job than your peers. During my SIWES (compulsory Industrial Training), I worked in an oil and gas consulting firm where Graduate Trainees for Chevron were sent for a PDMS Training, so you can imagine my determination to ensure I get into Chevron. The first step was to ensure I get a 2:1 so that I will get a fighting chance. Starting with a 2.48 (third class) as my first GPA, I struggled through my 5 years to cross that 3.5 GPA with a thin margin. I was hopeful because, during my NYSC, I zealously read GMAT and GRE books; I was told that most multinational companies used them for their assessment.

I was ‘over-ready’ for any assessment test because I had already imagined myself as a Graduate Trainee in multinationals – wearing pantsuits during the on-boarding and eventually growing in my career.

As an undergraduate, I regularly spoke to a large audience as a fellowship leader, so I didn’t think I was going to struggle with interviews.

My first real interview for a multinational company was in August 2015. It was time to go to the assessment centre and I was ready. I had practiced in front of the mirror and in front of my siblings and parents – what didn’t I do to ensure I got the job? Nothing! The popular phrase that says “Once you have a game plan, confidence comes naturally” was in my head, because I had imagined myself confident and even dreamt of the interview.

I went into the interview room and began to shake. My words were incoherent, everything went wrong! “What’s happening?” I masked myself. Could it have been the seriousness of the panel or could it just have been that unnecessary phobia? I dusted that experience off and my rejection email was a big stab, but I was over it in less than a week.

Another opportunity came up in November 2015, but I had learned all my lessons from the last one. I met another four-man panel and the questions started. After 3 failed attempts to answer all the easy questions I was asked, a man wanted to break the ice and asked me ‘What’s your favorite movie’. My heart raced fast, I began to scratch my head. Yes! My head was blank! I was even clueless about my name at that point. I couldn’t remember anything, I wished the ground would just open up for me to enter. At that point, I felt like a failure. The only thing that managed to creep into my blank brain was ‘Spiderman’. What the…? ‘How could I think of that? For someone who was the hub of movies back in school, this really pained me. I muttered Spiderman and they all laughed and said “No more questions”. I began to leave and I said to myself “I’m sure these people must believe I have a fish brain”. I wanted to cry at the door but I got myself back together.

I think of these moments and smile anytime I am interviewing young graduates who I sometimes perceive may be going through similar situations. Most people think only introverts have this kind of problem but some real extroverts go through this. Interview phobia can happen in an unfamiliar circumstance that usually triggers a natural response. This involves adrenalin being released into the body – creating the effect that may involve being jittery, stammering, blank head, inability to look people in the eyes, etc.

I know thousands of other graduates who may be in this situation; they need to know that they’re not alone! It can be daunting for you to know you are capable of something but unable to show it to people or express yourself. It can lead to depression and the loss of self-worth if not properly handled. However, it is fixable. Yes! Training can help you through it.

It’s mainly about ‘Situation Management’; the process of becoming familiar with the interview situation on your terms. If you can try to build yourself up to a point where you self-manage the interview, you would be able to change the narrative and finally overcome interview phobia.

This was the major factor why I started the Employability Fitness Program so that I can help young graduates overcome interview phobia. You can join us via Instagram Live (@careerlifeng) on Saturday, 18th January 2020 by 12:30pm

I wish you the best in your career journey.

In self development July 12, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Temi Olajide: How Do You Keep Your Children Engaged While You’re Working From Home?

Balancing children and a full-fledged workload is not a walk in the park, especially during this period. It’s okay to occasionally treat yourself now and then to your favorite meal or a movie for your efforts. Most importantly, enjoy the process as you get to spend more time with the people that mean the most to you!

With schools closed around the country and most companies opting for remote work, keeping your kids engaged while you work can be a daunting experience. For many parents, it’s a healthy mix of chaos, family time, stress, fighting, and bargaining with their partner on who will take which shift so the other can get some work done.

Although it won’t be easy in this period, this can also be an amazing time to bond with your kids and get to know them better. Most importantly, go easy on yourself. There’s no doubt this time is impossibly difficult, so doing your best is the best decision for everyone.

Here a few ways to keep your children engaged while you work from home:

Create a schedule

I know you’re probably tired of hearing this but the truth is that kids do best when they have a structure, so creating a daily schedule will make it easier for them to stay focused as well as hopefully provide periods of productivity for you too.

Schedule your work-time to align with the activities you plan for them. You can plan your zoom meeting and calls at the same time with their screen time, that way they will be too engrossed in what they are watching to disturb your meeting.

Also be sure to schedule ‘in time’, in which you are part of their day as well, for example, 12 pm -1 pm can be board games or lunch break with mummy. Your children will have something to look forward to each day and the mental break will be good for you, especially when you are dealing with a stressful situation at work.

Take your lead from the teachers

Most schools have introduced virtual classes as a means to make up for the lost time. You can take a look at your child’s scheduled classes for the week, this will help in knowing when they will be in class and when to schedule other activities to keep them busy while you work.

Create projects

You can create fun age-appropriate projects that will keep your kids engaged and entertained. Go to YouTube to check for age-appropriate DIY videos for your kids. An example can be building a city with cardboard boxes, pillows and blankets, and so on. Toymaking, art, and craft, or even painting projects. The good thing about this is that it not only keeps your kids busy, it helps in stimulating their minds, enhancing their motor skills and creativity.

If you can, plan the night before

Some days, you may just want to go to bed after a long day. That’s normal and perfectly fine. But if you can, try to plan the next day’s itinerary before you sleep. This is very important especially if you have an early morning meeting the next day. It’ll ensure your kids are happy and occupied, and not throwing a tantrum during that video conference with your CEO.

Spend time outside, if you can

If you live in a house with a big garden or backyard, allow your kids to go out and play. Vitamin D is great for our overall health, and going outside even for a few minutes each day gives children the space they need to roam. If your kids aren’t up to the age where they can play without supervision, you can take your laptop outside so you can keep a watchful eye on them.

Write letters to teachers, friends or grandparents

You can keep your kids busy by channeling your son or daughter’s creativity toward letter writing or picture drawing. Let them write a letter to their friends in school or to their teacher or even to their grandparents while you get some work done. Not only will your child learn a lesson in compassion, but your relative will also receive a nice surprise to lift their spirits.

Assign ‘work’ to your kids

For the foreseeable future, when your kids ask you what you’re doing, you’ll likely say “working”. This word doesn’t always make sense to them, so a way to teach them is to assign tasks to them. Give them puzzles to finish, LEGO lands to build, separate the bean seeds from the shaft, arrange the throw pillows in the sitting room. You can set a timer for an hour so they can work and then ask them to prepare a presentation afterward to show off their work.

Dance videos

Most kids can operate tablets and phones from younger ages. Set your child up with some music (that isn’t too loud to disturb your work), show them how to make a video (if they don’t already know how), provide props or dress-up clothes and have them take dance videos (or other silly videos) that they can share with you.

Designate an area for your ‘home office’

It is important to have a designated area (preferably a spare room) that will enable you to organize your files, stay on task, and minimize interruptions. Let your kids also know that this is mummy’s work area and teach them not to come to the work area while you’re working. It is important to follow a schedule even while working so if you work 9 -5, try to keep it at that with short breaks in between to check on the kids.

Have any tips to keep your kids busy while you work from home? Feel free to share.

In self development July 12, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

9 Relationship Deal Breakers That You Shouldn’t Tolerate

Do you have relationship deal breakers?

A deal breaker is a factor to consider when deciding whether to follow through with something or not. It’s that little something that makes you say “I’m done!” even when you really love someone or you’ve been together forever.

It may sound harsh — after all, no relationship is perfect, right? — but having a list of relationship deal breakers is actually a healthy way to protect yourself from toxic situations.

Don’t get caught up in controlling, hurtful, and potentially dangerous relationships. Here are 9 relationship deal breakers that you should seriously consider when deciding whether your sweetheart is actually worth your time.

1. There Is Abuse in the Relationship

A healthy relationship is about respect, putting your spouse first, and treating them how you want to be treated.

On the other hand, a partner who lays a hand on you or emotionally abuses you is a major relationship deal-breaker^[1].

Many people convince themselves that just because it happens once doesn’t mean it will happen again. Remember, you deserve a healthy relationship, and someone who abuses you physically or emotionally even once isn’t worth your time.

2. You’re a Secret

If you find out that your spouse hasn’t told their friends or family about you, run for your life! Because being a secret means one of three things.

They are already in a relationship and you are the side piece.
They can’t commit.
They are embarrassed by you.

Your time is valuable and shouldn’t be wasted being with someone who would rather keep you as their dirty little secret.

3. Plans Are Constantly Cancelled

Does your partner always seem to be ditching out on plans with you last minute?

Sure, there are legitimate reasons that your partner may be doing this, such as being called into work unexpectedly, but feeling like the person you’re crazy about is bailing on your company in favor of partying with their friends is definitely shady.

If you find that your long-term partner starts doing this, it may be signs of a deeper problem in the relationship that needs to be discussed.

4. Your Partner Isn’t Faithful

When it comes to cheating, put your foot down immediately. Don’t forgive and wait for the next round of heartbreak. If you have both agreed to a monogamous relationship, both parties should be respecting that decision.

Even if you put breaking your trust and your heart aside, your partner’s cheating on you puts you at risk for depression, sexually transmitted infections, and major embarrassment.

If your partner doesn’t love and respect you enough to stay faithful, dump them. They aren’t worth your time.

5. They Fight Dirty

There are times when we’ve all said stupid things in the heat of an argument, but there’s a difference between getting caught up and using a disagreement as an excuse to be a complete jerk.

If, during an argument, your partner or spouse:

Brings up past experiences with the intention of hurting your feelings
Calls you rude or degrading names
Gaslights you to make you feel crazy
Attacks you instead of the issue
Uses the silent treatment

Then you should consider walking away.

Healthy relationships are about open communication and fair conflict resolutions^[ — not about seeing who can hurt the other more.

6. You Want Different Things

Sometimes, even if you really love each other, your relationship game just isn’t meant to work out.

He wants East Coast, you want West.

She wants to save money, you want to spend.

He wants kids, you’re fine riding as a duo.

Even if you get along well, these fundamental differences in your goals and where you see your lives going are going to cause serious resentment problems if you don’t address them soon.

7. They’re Unbelievably Selfish

We’re all selfish from time to time, but some people take it too far.

If you feel like you’re giving your all to your spouse, and all they’re doing is taking, focusing on themselves, and taking advantage of your kindness, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Don’t spend a second longer with a selfish narcissist. Trust me, it isn’t worth the headache.

8. They’re Always Jealous

Healthy jealousy is totally cool when it inspires couples to treat each other better and not take one another for granted.

However, controlling, hack-your-Facebook-and-demand-your-phone-password jealousy^[3] should never be tolerated. This is a sign of insecurity and can quickly develop into dangerous or abusive behavior. It’s better to get out before it reaches that point.

9. You’re Always Fighting

Do you feel like you and your spouse are always arguing?

Sure, even happy couples argue, but constantly arguing with a partner is one of our relationship deal breakers because it shows that you have poor communication skills.

Communication is everything when it comes to a healthy, happy relationship. Couples need to be able to talk to each other in order to build empathy, resolve problems, and get closer. This means addressing problems as the arise, not letting them sit and turn into huge fights down the line.

Source: Lifehack

In self development July 10, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

10 Ways to Keep Going When The Going Gets Tough

Whenever you hit a rough patch in life, it can seem like the problems you’re confronting are unique to you and that the whole world is closing in. It might be that you are struggling to find a way out and just can’t see the light of hope anywhere when the going gets tough.

Thankfully, although you might not see it, there is always hope. Nothing lasts forever—not even bad times—and doing things like remembering why you started in the first place and practicing using your courage muscle are just a couple of things that can shorten the difficult times.

If you could find a way to not only survive but thrive when the going gets tough, how would your life change for the better?

Here are ten ways you can do to make that happen today.

1. Realize How Far You Have Come

Whenever you get discouraged on the path to wherever you want to go, it is usually because you are only looking forward, not around you or behind you. Your journey through life will last until your final day, so it is no wonder that you still see a long and sometimes daunting path ahead.

To keep going despite this, it’s important to take a moment or two to look around. Look at where you are standing now compared to when you first started. Look at how far you have come since you first began. Look at how many obstacles and challenges are behind you that you managed to overcome successfully.

The benefits of reflective practice are also extensive, and it is little wonder why.^[1]

Looking back at how far you have come is usually the fire you need to keep on burning brightly into the future.

2. Remember Why You Started

When the going gets tough, you need something to cling to in order to keep your grit and remind yourself why you started doing something in the first place. Without this all-important “why“, you will be quick to wander from your path.

Whenever things are at their worst, your number one reason for doing the thing is going to be what pulls you through.

As ex-Navy Seal and motivation master David Goggins puts it:

“‘Why am I here?’ If you know that moment is coming and have your answer ready, you will be equipped to make the split-second decision to ignore your weakened mind and keep moving. Know why you’re in the fight to stay in the fight!”

Sometimes, life can be a bit of a fight, especially within yourself. So, having your reasons for continuing will always help pull you out when times are tough. Try writing these down and posting them in places you look at every day to help them have even more impact.

3. Make It a Habit to Move Forward

Habits are some of the strongest behavioral predictors that we have. Most of our habits happen in our subconscious and are triggered by external or internal cues.

The great thing about habits is that they can be formed through conscious, repeated behaviors, and when practiced enough, they can eventually take their place in the subconscious and guide your life.

Of course, you want good habits to be guiding your life in the background, not bad ones. That’s why it’s a good idea to make it a habit to always move forward.

Contrary to what most people say, moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be better every single day for the rest of your life. There are going to be slip-ups, bad days, and circumstances that blow you off course.

Moving forward is all about getting back on track as fast as possible. If you can make that a habit, you can always get closer to where you want to go.

4. Use ‘If-Then’ Planning

When the going gets tough in your life, one of the most effective frameworks that you can put into place is called the ‘if-then’ planning.

This is the simplified version of something called Implementation Intention, a concept created by psychologist Peter Gollwitzer in the mid-’90s. It helps you to make sense of confusing situations and to be able to take action when you are really struggling.

5. Find Some Mentors

With the internet becoming more expansive and accessible as it has ever been, there are so many ways to get a peek into the world’s top minds and see what they do in their own lives when the going gets tough.

Most successful people have had to overcome some serious struggles to get to where they are. Do a simple search online, and you will no doubt find out about all of the challenges that your favorite people have had to overcome.

Because of this, you should try to take inspiration from these people and find your own mentors. It’s worth recognizing that nobody trying to live their best life can ever get through it without their fair share of challenges to overcome. That’s just part of the hero’s journey.

6. Get out of Your Head

Sometimes, all of the reasoning, thinking, planning, and ruminating in the world doesn’t get you anywhere. In fact, for the serial thinkers and problem-solvers out there, it is oftentimes that too much time in your head results in even more struggle rather than a release of it.

Yes, some things can be solved by thinking. But when the going gets really tough, it is usually just pure heart, emotion, and grit that are going to carry you through. Your mind can become a tyrant, and it is worth being aware of this.

When you feel your own thoughts weighing you down and can’t stop the incessant thinking and worrying about the past, present, and/or future, it is time to step out of your mind for a little while and get into your body. Lift some weights, go for a run, or take a pleasant walk.

The mind and body are much more connected than most people think—especially when it comes to emotions and fears and doing something beneficial for the body often benefits the unsettled mind as well.^[3]

7. Ruthlessly Forgive Yourself

One of the worst things you can do when the going gets tough is to come down hard on yourself. Everyone has these external and internal struggles, and the harder you are on yourself for having them, the more difficult and traumatic the episodes will be when you inevitably slip up.

A lot of people are far harder on themselves than they are on other people, and to keep going in tough times, you need to be just as empathetic with yourself as you would be with your best friend.

Made a mistake? Forgive. Are you still giving yourself a hard time? Forgive. Are you still getting angry over small things “even though we talked about this”? Forgive.

The hard times are much easier to get through when you are at peace with yourself. You will be astonished by how much less pressure you feel when this happens.

8. Take Smaller Steps

It is common for people to stumble in life because they are simply taking on too much at once. Whether it be too much ambition, unrealistic expectations of themselves or others, or some extra curveballs, big steps can sometimes be too much to take.

The truth about big steps is that they are rare, disruptive, and difficult to keep up without crumbling. The big steps—the real life-changing goals and dreams that you have—can often be broken into much smaller steps that are more manageable and that will get you to the same place.

If the going is getting particularly tough, it might be the case that you are simply trying to do too much at once. Try taking smaller, more manageable steps, and see if obstacles and difficulties become easier to navigate.

9. Use Twenty Seconds of Insane Courage

Everyone will agree that the courage we have stored within ourselves is often finite and difficult to sustain for long periods. We tend to think that making a big change in our life and getting out of a rut requires courage for long periods that we simply cannot manage.

The good news is that this isn’t true. Most of the pivotal moments of change in your life—including pulling yourself out of a hole when the going gets tough—come from small, courageous decisions in short, precise moments.

Quite often, using twenty seconds of insane courage when it is needed is enough to completely change the trajectory of our lives. Whether it be asking for that promotion, deciding to go to the gym for the first time in months, or having the courage to break through your insecurities and ask someone out, most of these only require a few seconds of insane courage.

Standing up and walking into your boss’s office, getting the gym kit on, picking up the phone or sending the text—you only have to be courageous in these few moments, and then you can relax and let life unfold.

Twenty seconds? You can do that, easily.

10. Accept That Your Motivation Will Wane

One of the main reasons that people get discouraged and struggle to keep going in hard times is that they never expected their motivation to dip.

When we start a project or enter a relationship or take something new and exciting on in our lives, our motivation is high, and we are in a mindset of excitement. We start thinking about all of the positives that could come from these things.

However, as time wears on, motivation levels inevitably drop, and you start to focus on the negatives of what’s happening or the added responsibility that you forgot to consider.

When this happens, you have two choices:

You can put on your rose-colored glasses of the past and falsely remember how perfect everything was;
Or you can put on your realistic glasses, face the difficulties, and keep moving forward into something better.

The true test of character comes when you hit a dip, motivation wanes, and you just don’t feel like doing stuff anymore. The secret is to realize that all of this is temporary and that you don’t need motivation to act.

It’s nice to have motivation, but the true test of character comes when motivation inevitably wanes. In those moments, will you keep going?

Final Thoughts

So there you have it. Each of these ten ideas for how to keep going when the going gets tough is versatile enough to be applied to almost any difficult situation that you find yourself in.

Life is going to present many difficulties. This isn’t something to fear but something to embrace. With these steps, you can navigate these stormy waters a little easier.

In self development July 10, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

“Never Tell Your Secrets To A Woman In Love” – Lisa Omorodion

Lisa Omorodion has pointed out a problem with women in love which ends up having a lasting effect even when the relationship is over.

The actress said women in love are fond of telling their significant others the secrets their female friends told them in confidence. She pointed out that this makes the boyfriend judge the friend wrongly and the impression the man has of the friend remains even after the relationship is over.

She told women in love that their friends’ secrets should remain with them and shouldn’t be used as pillow talk with their boyfriends.

She wrote:

LADIES LETS TALK!

Your boyfriend is not my BEST FRIEND , you are my best friend . If I want him to know my secrets i will call a meeting with the two of you present and share it all.Ladies NEVER ever tell your secrets to a woman in love. This woman in particular has certain characteristics – overly trusting, her legs jelly(aftermath of being swept off her feet a time too many) ,her stomach ridden with butterflies. Now, pillow talk is one of her favourite pastime with her new Boo; Information dished out here might even not be on a need to know basis. To some it’s for the simple reason of seeking validation to improve intimacy, for others its just GIST! Whatever the reason, secrets are spilled; mainly of the other person (you) blurring herself out of the picture while at it. After all said & said; her boyfriend can virtually see through you and in most cases judge you without you knowing.

Like a tornado, the relationship comes crashing! but guess the only thing that withstood this crash?? Your guess is as good as mine- your Secret/Gist! The ex boyfriend , the other one before this one and the one from 4 years ago have all left the building with TOO MUCH information.
A word for the unwise.. A boyfriend is NOT your husband …Stop betraying your friends!!

In self development July 10, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Rosanna Snee: What To Do If You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Family

No family is perfect! It’s far from it. All families experience some level of dysfunction. Most, however, manage pretty well despite it.

There are gradients of dysfunction. The family’s psychological and physical health sometimes determines where it registers on the dysfunctional seismograph.

Examining Family Dynamics

To determine a family’s level of dysfunction, it’s important to examine its dynamics.

Is there crippling internal conflict, such as severe sibling rivalry, parental and/or child conflict? Is there domestic violence, mental illness, or sexual abuse? Perhaps the conflict is external, like drug and/or alcohol addiction, unemployment, gambling, or even extramarital affairs?

All of these conflicts, whether internal or external, affect the family unit dramatically and cause considerable life-long dysfunction for its members.

Dysfunctional Family Roles

In almost all dysfunctional families, there are various ROLES taken on by its members to help the family survive.^[1]

Let’s take a look at some of these roles.

The Enabler

The enabler takes on the protective role.^[They do whatever is necessary to take care of the family, no matter how bad the situation is.

For example, in a family with an alcoholic or drug addict, the enabler is the one who picks up the pieces after their father comes home drunk. They protect the troubled family member from suffering the consequences of their bad behavior; they always hope that they can say or do something that will make their addicted parent stop what they’re doing.

This is exceedingly stressful and obviously, a lose-lose situation. In actuality, by protecting their addictive parent, they are creating a comfortable atmosphere for that parent, making it even more difficult for the addict to want to quit anything.

The Hero

This family member, the hero, usually the firstborn, could be considered the Poster Child for the family.^[3] They make sure everything looks good to the outside world.

The hero tends to be an overachiever and is always on top of their game. This hero knows that if they look good, so will their family. Often, they deny that there’s even a problem.

As you can imagine, keeping a dysfunctional family together and looking good is a tough job, which causes a great deal of pressure and inner conflict.

The Troublemaker/Scapegoat

The scapegoat tends to be the family’s “black sheep”.^[4] They are typically the middle child. They are the ones who are constantly getting into trouble, and they sometimes get suspended from school, arrested, have angry outbursts, etc.

This family member takes the bullet for the team. The scapegoat, as the name implies, is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family. Usually, they are the first to fly the coop.

In many cases, if the “troublemaker” straightens up their act or manages to escape, another member of the family will more than likely take over the role.

The Lost Child

The lost child, who is sometimes referred to as the “quiet one”, gets lost in the shuffle.

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family

Above, I covered some of the roles played in dysfunctional families. Now, let’s take a look at some of the characteristics that make a family register high on their dysfunctional seismograph.

1. Abuse

Sexual assault, physical beatings, or verbal lashings are all active types of abuse. These are extremely serious.

These families typically get caught up in a loop that makes it seem as though the abuse is “normal”. It’s not uncommon for children who grow up in these environments to continue the abusive behavior into their adulthood.

2. Emotional Abuse

This type of abuse is considered inactive.

For example, a mother who ignores her child, who doesn’t hold it; a parent who shows absolutely no interest in their offspring, or withholds love when the child doesn’t do what they want.

Neglect leaves the child always begging for attention, always looking for ways to receive validation. Some severe forms of emotional abuse include constant criticism, shaming, guilt-tripping, bullying, threats, gaslighting, and controlling behavior, to name but a few.

A man I once treated presented with a constant need for attention from men and women alike. If he didn’t receive it, he would get very depressed and think something was wrong with him.

He constantly berated himself for not being good enough. Some probing into his family background revealed what I already suspected – the man’s father had been absent from his son’s life. And when he was around, he ignored his son, paying more attention to his friends and activities.

Without realizing it, as an adult, my client was on a continual quest to get the approval and attention from strangers that he never received from his father.

3. Conditional Love

In families where love is conditional, there is always an extreme disappointment.

A member of this family is constantly striving to be perfect. They know that if they’re not – that if they don’t do what is expected of them – the “love” will be withdrawn. These members feel like they’re walking on a tightrope. One slip and it’s all over.

In these families, there’s no safety net. Children often grow up to become people-pleasers who do whatever it takes to get the love they so desperately want and need.

4. No Boundaries

A typical scenario in this type of family is a parent who is controlling, invades your privacy, and has no consideration for your opinion or desires. Maybe they open your mail or throw it away if they don’t want you to see it. You may want to express yourself but are discouraged if you do.

Without boundaries, family roles are fuzzy.^[As an older child, you might become parentified, obliged to act as parent to your younger siblings or your parents.

Living with no boundaries is like throwing five different types of food into a blender. Once they are blended, it’s impossible to separate any of the ingredients.

A home with no boundaries is like that. You don’t have your own space or your own identity. There’s an overall lack of respect for individual rights and privacy.

5. No Intimacy

In this household, there is no closeness between the family members. Signs of love are non-existent. The kids in this home don’t feel supported in any way. Emotionally, the parents are unavailable. It is likely that a grown adult from this type of family is cut off from their emotions or will choose someone who is unavailable themselves, replicating their family of origin.

6. Triangulation

In this type of dysfunction, the family members can’t or won’t confide in each other. “Communication” happens by “triangulating” another family member into their drama.^[9]

Let’s say, for instance, that Mom is angry at Dad. Instead of talking to Dad about the situation, she calls Timmy over and starts complaining to him about Dad, “Can you believe what he did? He’s a mess. I can’t even stand him. You can tell him I said so.”

Imagine how Timmy feels stuck between both parents. In this household, a third person is always drawn in and made the substitute for direct communication.

7. Addiction

Any family who has one or more members addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc., is gravely dysfunctional. Any kind of addict is not – cannot – be a good, responsible parent. They may be physically present, but not emotionally.

Addicts are unpredictable. The members of this family grow up being hypervigilant – always looking for clues as to what’s going to happen next.

In families with addictions, there may be a lot of yelling, violence, or the reverse, non-involvement. All of these features cause acute pain.

Some Causes of Dysfunction in a Family

Now that you have a picture of the pieces that go into the dysfunctional family construct, you may want to know the causes.

Many things can be at play. For instance, there could be a history of mental illness, health issues, or physical or verbal abuse. Maybe the parent grew up in a violent home, and now they’ve created one themselves.

Sometimes, however, the dysfunction is created by unpredictable life challenges. Maybe high stress due to the loss of a job, which leads to frustration, depression, and maybe even domestic abuse.

While I was working with Worker’s Compensation patients, the stress caused by their detrimental injuries and subsequent job loss was unbearable for some of my clients. Often they became depressed, abusive, suicidal, and sometimes even homicidal.

The loss of identity changes the family dynamics, and a situation that didn’t previously exist becomes prevalent.^[10] Roles change, thereby creating a great deal of havoc within the family.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave many scars. Those scars may appear as:

Behavioral disorders
Difficulty starting and maintaining relationships
Difficulty communicating feelings
Low self-esteem
Lack of self-worth
Chronic anxiety or depression
Constant self-criticism

11 Ways You Can Heal From a Dysfunctional Family

If you grew up in a dysfunctional household, you may feel a sense of hopelessness. But all is not lost. There are many things you can do to heal and live a balanced and productive life.

Here are some suggestions to get you on your way:

Get some therapy. A good therapist can help you look at those old, internal wounds, and work with you to help heal them.
Understand that as a child, you didn’t have a voice, but as an adult, you do.
Realize that no matter what you were told, you are worthy of love. You matter!
Learn to express your feelings. They’re in there.
Stay away from the toxic environment as much as possible.
Stop repeating the cycle you lived in. It is necessary to find a new normal.
Understand that your past does not define you. As an adult, you can make different choices.
Stop blaming your past. Do things differently; that’s the best way to move forward.
Give up any unbecoming role/s you played. What role did you play? Is it something that works for you? Or something you need to discard?
You are not a victim anymore unless you allow yourself to be.
Know that you can’t change people. You can only change yourself. By virtue of that, you change the behavior of others.

Final Thoughts

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can be brutal. It’s an ongoing war that leaves multiple battle scars.

As an adult, you don’t have to keep fighting the war. You can end it. And while you might always have flashbacks, don’t let them dictate your present life.

You can make different choices. Initially, you may have to do things that go against the grain of who you believe you are. But by doing these things over and over again, things can change.

The cycle of dysfunction can be broken. A new and improved cycle can be built, and you can be the one to do it!

About Rosanna

Rossana is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She aspires to motivate, to inspire, and to awaken your best self!

In self development July 10, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Feeling Unappreciated? 5 Ways to End This Pain

Do you ever look at the people you love and want to cry because they do not see how much you do to make them okay?

Do you ever want to scream at a loved one saying, “after everything I do or have done for you, you treat me like this?”

Have you ever been in a position to do something for a loved one and you hesitate not because you don’t want to help them but because you know they would not appreciate it?

Do you ever find yourself thinking of detaching yourself from a loved one because it hurts to pour all of yourself into caring for them and get nothing in return?

Do you ever want to stop doing so great at work because while you are mostly covering the asses of people who are defaulting, and adding value to the company, you are unnoticed?

If these questions struck you, then you are feeling unappreciated and that is right, but it is not okay.

It Is Not Okay to Feel Unappreciated

It is right to feel unappreciated when you are unappreciated, but it is not okay to feel that way because that feeling comes with a lot of pain – the pain you would rather do without.

There are a lot of terrible feelings that can plague humans, such as feeling unloved, feeling underestimated, feeling rejected, and many others. However, one of the worst feelings is feeling unappreciated.

Feeling unappreciated is one of the worst feelings because it is never a feeling that stems as a result of being around strange people. It is a feeling that stems from being around people you are familiar with, either family or work.

The hurt never goes away. It just keeps growing and growing until one day, you are overwhelmed by the bad feelings and hurt you cannot shake.

When you start feeling this way, you begin to detach from the people who make you feel this way. This can include a family member, friend, spouse, or child. It can also be your colleagues at work or your boss.

This feeling of not being appreciated enough can only come from putting care, resources, and emotions into something or someone. When you are investing emotions and resources into certain people and they turn around and are not appreciative of your kind gesture, this feels like a stab to the heart.

You are doing everything possible to make your family and friends comfortable. To make them feel better only for them to be ungrateful – that is one hell of a betrayal.

You should never have to regret things you did for love. Feeling unappreciated can get you to that point. If you ever have to regret the things you did for love, then that love was not worth it, and it does not matter who that love was shown to.

We all want to feel appreciated because we deserve credit for all the good we do for our loved ones. However, when these appreciations do not come, we feel like we did not do things right.

First of all, wipe that feeling from your mind. You did everything right. They are the ones who don’t know what they have and what they stand to lose, should you walk away.

Again, it is right to feel unappreciated. But if you would want to move forward in life, it might be time to let go of that feeling and the pain that comes with it.

5 Ways to Get Rid of Feeling Unappreciated

Here are 5 ways you can get rid of that awful feeling of being unappreciated and be happier in life.

Do Things for Yourself

A meme says “One day, you will tell people you did everything for them, and they will tell you they never asked you and they would be right.”

The hard truth is that these people whom you are moving mountains and breaking boundaries for never asked you to do it for them. You did it because deep inside your heart, it felt right.

You may be working super hard and doing all the right things at work but if you are doing them just to get noticed, you are doing it all wrong.

When you do things for yourself, you feel better. You may be wondering why you have to work harder and carry the whole team on your back for yourself at work. You are helping yourself grow and pushing your career further by doing just that.

You may also be wondering why you have to do things for your family members when they do not appreciate it. But you are simply positioning yourself for the universe to be kinder.

2. Appreciate Yourself

There is a funny Nigerian adage about the Lizard. It goes, “The lizard nods every time it takes a huge jump because it says to itself ‘If nobody appreciates me, I will appreciate myself’.”

Whenever you finish that huge task at work, do not wait for someone to tell you, “Hey Katie, you did well” or “Hey, Daniel, that was a great one.” Simply take yourself to KFC, and buy yourself a small bucket of chicken. Eat it all up and celebrate your small wins.You can also buy a good bottle of wine, play some music, and drink a glass of it. You have done great; give yourself a treat because you deserve it. You cannot keep waiting for people to treat you better. Treat yourself better first.

Someone once said, “You are the first example of what loving you should look like.” Of course! You are the first example of what appreciating you should look like.

When people see that you appreciate yourself to the max, they had better do better when they want to appreciate you. They have seen at this point that you do not care much for their appreciation and that you can do right by yourself.

Be Appreciative of Others

It might be easy to want to treat people in the way that you have been treated; it is tempting really. Why should you be appreciative when you are grossly unappreciated?

But there is a rule good people go by, and it is “always do unto others as you would want to be done unto you.” Always live your life by this directive. The reason people are unappreciative of you is that they do not live their life by this directive. They expect good things, but they do not show forth this good.

Set an example. Be the difference they are too distracted to be. Be the bigger, better person, and say your thank you’s with all the appreciation you can muster.

You are not them, and they are not you. you should never let people who do not know better influence you and make you tilt to their direction. Forget the “If you cannot beat them, join them” rule, and move on to “if you cannot beat them, teach them”.

Children learn to say thank you from their parents, then go on to replicate this good behavior. Gratitude and appreciation are the habits of a decent human. Be a decent human.

Keep in Mind That Life Is Not Fair

Darling, life is not fair. You will be taken for granted, and you will be hurt. All of these things are how mother nature balances herself. There’s good and bad and sometimes, you might be on the bad side of the balance.

It hurts to think that you are sending out good and not getting that in return. Oh, it hurts. But when you realize that life happens and that it is not always fair, it will create a soft landing.

The song, ‘forever young’ has a line that says “Hoping for the best, yet expecting the worst”. That is how you should see life. Be optimistic that great things will happen, but have it at the back of your mind that crazy things will happen too.

Be optimistic that people will appreciate you, but also keep it at the back of your mind that people may not be appreciative. When you can do this consistently, you will feel good when you are appreciated, but you also would not feel bad when you aren’t. You came prepared.

Focus on the Good Only

The baggage that comes with feeling unappreciated is depression. And this can only happen if you keep brooding in the dark paths that you need to come out from.

If you keep thinking of all you deserve and how you are not getting it, you would get sadder and sadder until you are locked up in your room, snuggled up in bed, hugging your pillow, and hating your life.

Did you get taken for granted? It is life. It is not all peaches and roses. Look on the bright side. Look at all you have achieved when you were doing the things you were not appreciated for.

Someone who is constantly staring at the light will find it hard to notice that there is darkness all around them. Be that person. Focus on the good and the good alone, and let the bad slide right off your shoulder like raindrops on a rock.

Do not dwell on it. No one and nothing is worth your sanity. Focusing on the good will help you retain your sanity and fight to retain it.

See the Importance of What You Do and Relish It

So, they do not see the importance of what you do. Well, they need an optician and until they get one, be selfish with your foresight. See the importance of what you do, and understand how important you are. your boss may not know it but if you leave the office today, the company will feel it. Your friend may not know it, but if you walk out of their life today, they will be a mess.

See the importance of the fact that for the single reason of your existence in their lives and your workplace, everything is okay. You are the glue that holds it all together – the linchpin.

When you do not get appreciated, simply roll your eyes and say “humans never appreciate the presence of good energy.” A saying goes, “A good person is never respected in his or her village.”

They do not know what they have, but you do. Revel in the knowledge, and never let anything or anyone make you feel lesser.

You are important, very important. They would need to focus to see it. Until then, walk with your shoulders held high.

In addition, Be Confident

Another thing that feeling unappreciated does to you is make you feel small, which makes you lose confidence.

You may think, “if they can’t see all the work I’m doing to make life easier for everyone, then they do not even know that I exist.” Then, you begin to shrink into your shell and avoid conversations and people.

Hey! That is pitiful and pathetic, and it is not you. Ditch that mentality immediately and begin to walk in confidence.

Who said no one sees what you do? Do you not see what you do? Are you counting yourself as unimportant?

Do not shrink, lose your fire, nor lose your confidence. Stand tall, chin up, and shoulders high. Maintain your confidence. Stay on top of your game.

Final Thoughts

Feeling unappreciated is a horrible thing. No one should ever have to feel that way. But as aforementioned, life happens, and humans will always be humans.

People will take you for granted once or twice, and this is why these I listed these 7 ways for you to get out of the pain that comes with feeling unappreciated.

You are worth more than you think you are. If they do not see it, you should.

Source: Lifehack

In self development July 9, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

GoFundHer: All About The New Crowdfunding Platform Designed To Support Women

Gaining startup capital for a new business can be extremely challenging. Women and minorities are often cut out of lucrative venture capitalist funding, leaving them with few options to accumulate the funds they need to launch their new venture. This woman entrepreneur sought to help other women gain independence with a platform to help fund their dream ventures.

Tracy Garley, founder partner and CEO of GoFundHer, launched a crowdfunding platform for women to convene in a space to receive financial and community support. The Liberian-born entrepreneur worked with crowdfunding owner and founding partner Roger Mensah to make her idea a reality.

“I developed the crowdfunding website and social club as sister companies embracing the causes of girls and women,” Garley wrote in an email interview with BLACK ENTERPRISE.

“To gain users I created City Girls Big Dreams weekly online “Dream Session” events for girls, women, and their supporters to learn about GoFundHer.com while connecting with mentors to develop their goals then collect money online. The Dream Session events are coordinated by interns I mentor in the spring, summer, and fall semesters, as part of an internship program designed for GoFundHer.com to grow the number of women with experience working at technology companies.”

The platform has expanded to more than 150 countries since its launch in 2019. The company also offers direct deposit service for small businesses in over 39 countries including India, Australia, and countries across Europe, with users being allowed to withdraw their money in 24 currencies. The platform allows users to create unlimited fundraising pages with the ability to collect monthly and one-time donations.

“It was important that I provide these opportunities for women around the world because women are still far from achieving social, economic, and political equality. At the current rate of progress, women will have to wait nearly 100 years to close the overall gender gap with men. So I wanted to get started on this very big problem we have in our world,” she added.

“I’ve learned that it’s good to always be willing to help prevent other women from making the same mistakes I made during the early years of my business journey. I know what it feels like to have a dream, but not have the money to fund that dream. This is not a good feeling at all, especially being a girl or woman—some women sell their bodies just to put food on their table. GoFundHer.com is the premium crowdfunding platform that is empowering girls and women to fund their dreams without any obligations or contracts. Real women empowerment starts with enhancing her confidence and bank account.”