self development Archives

In self development February 28, 2019 By Women of Rubies

“I CAN’T HIDE WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR ME”… SAYS WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH TO A SET OF TRIPLET AFTER 14 YEARS OF CHILDLESSNESS

For 14 years, Gospel artist Nancy Masara and her husband, Abel Mokaya were looking for children. But today their home peals of laughter from their one-and-a-half-year-old triplets.

Speaking to People’s Daily this week, Masara beams with joy as she looks at the playful triplets – Patience Mokaya, Esther Kemunto and Samuel Elias– running around the house.

To Masara and her husband, this is nothing short of a miracle.

“I sometimes look at the children and wonder whether they are really mine,” says Masara.

She recalls her struggle with childlessness, how she sought medical help from different hospitals and how at some point she avoided visiting their rural home in Riakuro, Nyamira county as a result of the open stigma and pressure that had begun to mount from relatives after clocking her fifth year in marriage without a child.

“I got married at 22 years and getting a child was never part of my concern. That is until I turned 30. I started visiting hospitals including herbal facilities to look for answers,” she says.

At the height of her desperation to get children, she advised her husband to marry another woman to fulfil his dream of becoming a father and save him the humiliation that comes with being childless. He rejected the offer.

“Deep in my heart, I had started giving up and I expected my husband to be cheating on me because all tests had shown that he was okay.

I had already allowed him although I would cry silently. I was surprised when he told me he was not ready to let me go. He repeatedly assured me he would be by my side forever. He even suggested that we adopt a child if God had not planned a biological child for us,” Masara says.

Years came and went and the couple traversed the country seeking solutions to her problem.

“The number of hospitals I visited in this country in search of a child are more than I can remember,” she says.

Her story changed when she bumped into a gynaecologist and fertility expert at Pandya Memorial Hospital in Mombasa who told her there was a 50-50 chance of becoming a mother.

The doctor then put her on medication and she would go for frequent check-ups to monitor the situation. December 2016 was the turning point of her life.

“I remember it was mid-morning when the doctor broke the most exciting news I have ever had in my life—that I had conceived… I was torn between crying and jumping in joy,” explained the mother of three a midst sobs and tears of joy.

The announcement would mark a new beginning full of hope, a complete departure from the trauma she has known in all her marriage life. But it came with financial strains.

“We would spend up to Sh20,000 per month just for antenatal clinic,” she says adding that her husband who works at a local clearing and forwarding agency was forced to borrow a Sh500,000 loan to enable them settle some of the growing hospital bills.

On July 7, 2017 she delivered triplets through Caesarean section (CS). They were delivered in a space of two minutes apart and were put under special care as they were born prematurely.

“The firstborn weighed 1.1 kilogrammes, the second born was 1.8 kilogrammes and third born was 1.7 kilogrammes,” she says.

The family, however, had to contend with a Sh2 million hospital bill after the children were discharged. But nothing could dampen their joy.

Taking to Facebook today, she shared a newspaper clippings of her interview with People’s Daily.

“In the sight of the lord I can’t hide my joy or what God has done to me, no challenge is permanent when God says yes no man can say no, maybe ure in situation where u feel like giving up, maybe u re asking God questions why he has not answered your prayers,maybe people re calling you names which u can’t understand, u have nowhere to hide your head don’t be tired or never give up the best place to be is at the feet of Jesus, no prayer can be answered in Jesus name, one day, time, sec God will take away your shame and pain in Jesus name. Thanks God for triple joy..”

Credit: LIB

In self development February 28, 2019 By Women of Rubies

WOMEN ARE GRANTED ONLY THREE QUARTERS OF MEN’S LEGAL RIGHTS -WORLD BANK

Women around the world are granted only three quarters of the legal rights enjoyed by men, often preventing them from getting jobs or opening businesses, the World Bank found in study published Wednesday.

South Asia made the biggest improvements in women’s rights in the past decade, while six countries including France and Sweden achieve perfect scores in the World Bank’s index

“If women have equal opportunities to reach their full potential, the world would not only be fairer, it would be more prosperous as well,” Kristalina Georgieva, the bank’s interim president, said in a statement.

While reforms in many countries are a step in the right direction, “2.7 billion women are still legally barred from having the same choice of jobs as men.”

The study included an index measuring gender disparities that was derived from data collected over a decade from 187 countries and using eight indicators to evaluate the balance of rights afforded to men and women.

The report showed progress over the past 10 years, with the index rising to 75 from 70, out of a possible 100, as 131 countries have agreed to enact 274 reforms, adopting laws or regulations allowing greater inclusion of women.

Among the improvements, 35 countries have proposed laws against sexual harassment in the workplace, granting protections to an additional 2 billion women, while 22 nations have abolished restrictions that kept women out of certain industrial sectors.

Six nations — Belgium, Denmark, France, Latvia and Sweden — scored a 100, “meaning they give women and men equal legal rights in the measured areas,” the World Bank said.

A decade ago, no economy had achieved a perfect score.

On the other hand, too many women still face discriminatory laws or regulations at every stage of their professional lives: 56 nations made no improvement over the last decade.

South Asia saw the greatest progress, although it still achieved a relatively low score of 58.36. It was followed by Southeast Asia and the Pacific, at 70.73 and 64.80, respectively.

Latin-America and the Caribbean recorded the second highest scores among emerging and developing economies at 79.09.

Conversely, the Middle-East and North Africa posted the lowest score for gender equality at 47.37. The World Bank nevertheless pointed to encouraging changes, such as the introduction of laws against domestic violence, in particular in Algeria and Lebanon.

Credit: Pulse

In self development February 27, 2019 By Women of Rubies

FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I DIDN’T IDENTIFY AS BLACK…

Pollyanna Rodrigues De La Rosa sat in the back of a cab, on her way to her favourite Toronto Latin music club, El Rancho. To get herself in the mood for a Saturday night of salsa, bachata and reggaeton, she asked the driver for the auxiliary cord to play “Eres Mia” by Romeo Santos from her phone. The music filled the cab and she sang along, the lyrics flowing smoothly off her tongue in Spanish, the language she speaks at home with her family. The driver raised his voice over the music and asked Rodrigues De La Rosa about her background—but her answer wasn’t what he was expecting.

“I thought you were Black!” he said. Rodrigues De La Rosa, who is part Cuban and part Panamanian, is used to this type of reaction. She stands at just over five feet tall, with big, long, black curly hair. Her dark skin matches her brown eyes, and if you saw her on the street you’d probably have no doubts about her racial identity, either.

But what the cab driver didn’t understand was that while she is indeed Black, she is also Latina. To be fair, Rodrigues De La Rosa didn’t always understand the nuances of her racial identity, either. “For the longest time, I actually didn’t know I was Black,” she says. That’s because, growing up, her family considered themselves Latino.

Though they shared the same skin tone and hair texture, her family never talked about their African heritage—in fact, they preferred to pretend it didn’t exist. Rodrigues De La Rosa’s mother even pressed her about her romantic choices, questioning why she dated Black men instead of white men. And the anti-Black racism was present in her extended family, too. When she visited Cuba in 2015, many of her family members would ask her to straighten her hair for a “better” look.

Between her family’s Latino identity and the anti-Black rhetoric she internalized, Rodrigues De La Rosa questioned whether or not she identified as Black.

Then, in 2015, she discovered a term on social media that she truly felt described her: Afro-Latina. The broad definition is simple—someone who identifies as Afro-Latina, Afro-Latino or the more inclusive and gender-neutral Afro-Latinx is Black and from Latin America. But the term’s meaning is much more political.

In these communities, which have a deep history of anti-Black racism, Afro-Latinx refers to “someone [from the Latino community] who reclaims their Africanness and Blackness, which for so many years was erased,” explains Colombian-Canadian academic Andrea Vásquez Jiménez, the co-director of the Latinx, Afro-Latin-America, Abya Yala Education Network (LAEN). “Utilizing terms such as Hispanic erases our Blackness.”

While Rodrigues De La Rosa may have felt like she stood out among her peers, she is actually part of a large cultural community. A quarter of the Hispanic population in the U.S. identifies as Afro-Latino according to a 2014 study. (Similar data is not available in Canada in part because though the census includes Black and Latin American as visible minority categories, there is no category combining the two identities. Respondents can write in their own classification, or mark all the categories that apply, but the data is counted towards the Black and Latin American categories separately.)

“I get looked at all the time when I start speaking Spanish. It’s still a culture shock, especially to old farts. I quickly let them know that there are Black people in [Cuba and Panama],” says Rodrigues De La Rosa, adding that people often seem to think that it’s impossible to be both Black and a Spanish-speaking Latina.

“When I heard the term Afro-Latina, as sad as this is going to sound, it was the first time I thought I was considered Black,” says Rodrigues De La Rosa. “I loved it.”

Unlearning anti-Black racism as an Afro-Latina

People like Rodrigues De La Rosa are why Vásquez Jiménez started LAEN. She made sure the organization was a space for Afro-Latinx people to not only have a voice, but learn about their heritage.

“Blackness is global. An extremely high percentage of [people from Latin America] have African ancestry. The identities of Blackness, Africanness and being Latinx are not mutually exclusive,” says Vásquez Jiménez.

The African diaspora originated with the transatlantic slave trade, when European colonizers dispersed millions of people from Africa to North America, South America and the Caribbean. And regardless of where slaves were taken, sexual violence was common. “This is the most f-cked up part, I don’t know if my Spanish ancestor loved my great-great-great-grandma or raped her,” says Rodrigues De La Rosa.

The intersectionality of Afro-Latinx people can get even more complex, especially for people like CityNews reporter Ginella Massa, who wears a hijab and is from Panama.

“Often, in the realm of my work, my Muslim identity is discussed; my ethnicity or my heritage are rarely ever mentioned,” says Massa. When she made headlines in 2016 for being the first hijabi news anchor, the coverage described her as a Muslim Canadian, but the Afro-Latinx aspect of her identity took a back seat.

journalists self-care twitter: A portrait of Ginella Massa.

CityNews reporter Ginella Massa

Even within Canadian Afro-Latinx communities, positive discussions about embracing all aspects of this intersectional identity are rare.

“Because of anti-Black racism, many folks don’t necessarily speak nor highlight our Blackness within families,” says Vásquez Jiménez.

That’s especially true among older generations of Afro-Latinx people, who have internalized centuries of institutionalized anti-Black racism. Massa says her family’s Blackness was rarely discussed at home. Her family only focused on their Latin heritage.

Credit: flare.com

In self development February 27, 2019 By Women of Rubies

LIBERAL MP, CELINA CAESAR-CHAVANNES WRITES INSPIRING LOVE LETTER TO BLACK WOMEN

Liberal MP Celina Caesar-Chavannes kicked off Black History Month by writing a touching love letter to Black women.

“Even though we may have been distant, and I may seem far away, I love you and #ISeeYou,” Caesar-Chavannes writes in a HuffPost blog.

She starts the letter by admitting she hasn’t always been able to support her community the way she’s wanted — depression, anxiety and life have gotten in the way — but she wanted to thank those who held it down when she wasn’t able to.

The MP for Whitby, Ont. has been vocal about her challenges with mental illness in the past and went viral last year after giving a speech on body-shaming in the House of Commons.

“Body shaming of any woman in any form from the top of her head to the soles of her feet is wrong, irrespective of her hairstyle, the size of her thighs, the size of her hips, the size of her baby bump, the size of her breasts or the size of her lips, what makes us different is what makes us unique and beautiful,” she said last October.

And while Caesar-Chavannes touches on that theme again in her HuffPost essay, her focus in this letter is celebrating Black women and recognizing what they’re up against. She gives a shout-out to elders, entrepreneurs, activists and educators. Most heartbreaking was a reminder of what Black children face—“the streets, and the institutions that keep them down and funnel them into prisons and foster care”—and how much needs to change, as she lauds mothers for protecting their kids.

She ends off her note recognizing the toll it can take to be “twice as good” and with a nod to Maya Angelou.

“Being twice as good, twice as fast, twice as everything, because that is what we were taught. That is the only way we can succeed. I also see that it comes at a cost. The wear and tear. The exhaustion. The mental drain. I see that you are tired. And yet, still you rise.”

You can read the full letter at Huffington Post Canada.

Credit: flare.com

In self development February 27, 2019 By Women of Rubies

LOLO CYNTHIA: FEMALE EGO RESPONSIBLE FOR EMOTIONALLY DRAINING RELATIONSHIPS

The one thing I hear women complain about in their relationships is the level of emotional labor that they render to their partners that is often never reciprocated. I have wondered why women were the ones who seemed to be plagued by these one-sided relationships until I came to a realization that women might be the ones guilty of enabling this behavior in their partners.

I have noticed that many women are unaware of their co-dependent nature; a trait that I strongly believe originates from both nature and nurture (socialization). If you are not sure of what a co-dependent relationship means, I have an article that explains it in details, but the gist of it is that a co-dependent relationship is one where one person is giving more in the relationship because the other person requires more attention and psychological support.

But why do I believe women enable this behavior? Well! Because, of what we call the Female Ego- where women take pride in nurturing their partners or people around them. This ego is fostered by socialization as women are often taught to “serve”, that when one is asked of the qualities of a good woman, it is not uncommon to hear that she must give a lot of herself and sacrifice for her partner or children. But, this ego is not only fostered through socialization, but nature also comes into play as some women are innately more nurturers than men.

This ability to nurture is certainly not a bad trait to possess but once one begins to determine her self-worth from her ability to nurture people then it sends a red flag.

A prime example is when a woman dates a “bad boy” with the belief that she would be the one to change him, and even though she might not recognize that train of thought, it becomes evident when there’s a little change in his behavior and she takes pride in the fact that she was the one who changed the man.

However, things could easily go down South from there. For instance, If the woman is dating a man who drinks a lot and begins to realize that he has reduced his alcohol intake and continues to spend more time around her; both of them love the change and the woman is happy because she has rescued him from himself and can finally be with the King she knew he could be. But after a while, he goes back to his old habit, and instead of walking away from the situation that she knows would drain her emotionally, she refuses and takes it as a challenge to work harder to rescue him- after all she has done it before so she can do it again!

A good woman is meant to be there to rescue her man and reap the rewards when she succeeds

This need to rescue the man means that she has to become more understanding, compassionate and nurturing; and just like every human, the man knows this and continues to take advantage because he knows she won’t leave him in that state. So, even when she is frustrated, she can’t let go because she has convinced herself that the man needs her- even when this need to care is clearly her ego aching for her to prove her worth as a woman, after all, what kind of woman will she be if she leaves her man in that low state without trying to fix him?

A good woman is meant to be there to rescue her man and reap the rewards when she succeeds- This played out recently with the death of Rapper Mac Miller, the ex-boyfriend of the Pop Star Ariana Grande. He had overdosed on drugs and trolls went on her Twitter and Instagram to blame her for his death; also a few months before his death, he had been arrested for drivingunder the influence and people also blamed Ariana for not caring for him but this time replied with this- “I have cared for him and tried to support his sobriety and prayed for his balance for years,” she wrote. “But shaming/blaming a woman for a man’s inability to keep his (expletive) together is a very major problem … I will continue to pray from the bottom of my heart that he figures it all out and that any woman in this position does as well.”

Some women see the potential in men even when the men don’t see it, but this so-called potential is what holds most women captive in emotionally draining relationships

Codependent behavior is also evident in mother-son relationships because so many mothers give their sons all the emotional support that they need, that many times the sons become oblivious to what their mothers are going through.

This is one reason on twitter why there is always a gender battle – where men say they want wives just like their mothers and women reply that no one wants to be like their mothers because of the hardships, their mothers have had to endure in silence.

Another prime example I believe illustrates this, is the work women do during the moment of Ramadan (Muslim Fasting Period), as the women have to wake up really early to prepare the meals for the family. The men always praise their mothers on their steadfast ability in providing their meals and of course, this appeals to the female ego- the fact that she’s fulfilling her womanly duties. But at that time, what she needs might not be ego stroking comments but for him to assist in the kitchen. Sadly, this rarely happens because the women might never speak up due to the passive-aggressive leanings of many women and their need to hold their own as a nurturing woman, so they hold it in and foster resent towards that person.

One thing that I also find interesting is that even when the man asks to help, we may refuse immediately but quietly hope that he insists so we can soothe our ego by telling ourselves that we had no choice. This happens in different scenarios- wives who hover over their husbands when he decides to care for their child- they find it so difficult to let go of that control they have over that “territory” even when they know they need to!

The female ego tricks us into staying in painful relationships because it deceives us into believing that the amount of suffering and sacrifice we can endure is a clear determinant of how womanly we are

So, when we women complain about the fact that our partners are burdening us with their troubles, we need to stop and ask ourselves – Do I derive pleasure from offering this help? Underneath this anger and frustration, is there somewhere that leaps for joy when I know I can be the one that nurtures him back to peace?

Sometimes, this need to nurture can become very toxic- I can’t help but reminisce about the time I was co-dependent and very passive aggressive- I dated men who wouldn’t ask about me, the same way they burdened me with their troubled and because I couldn’t vocalize my frustration, I would manipulate my way to ensure I hurt him where it hurts. You see, as one nurtures, they come to possess intimate details of their partner and therein lies their power- I would say mean things purposely about his insecurities just to bruise him because I knew I would be the one to fix him and nurture him back to peace. It became a vicious cycle!

We, women, need to learn to be selfish! We complain that men are selfish but the truth is we are just not selfish enough – the movie Acrimony depicts this perfectly!

The female ego tricks us into being in painful relationships because it deceives us into believing that the amount of suffering and sacrifice we can endure is a clear determinant of how womanly we are; we need to learn to walk away from things that appeal to our ego but doesn’t soothe our soul because once we are done nurturing everyone, what time do we have to nurture ourselves?

Lolo Cynthia Is a public health specialist, sexuality educator and founder of the social enterprise LoloTalks, that employs all forms of media (online and offline) to create awareness and sustainable solutions to our contemporary social and health issues in Africa. She also doubles as a documentary and talk show producer and lends her voice on issues regarding interpersonal relationships, sexuality, gender, and social issues through her YouTube channel LoloTalks and her blog.

In self development February 25, 2019 By Women of Rubies

THE ROLE FILM PLAYS IN THE EMPOWERMENT OF WOMEN

In recent times, particularly in 2018, there has been a stronger movement in favour of empowering women in the film industry. From gender pay gap uprisings with the highest paid actresses in the Hollywood demanding the same pay as men in equivalent roles, to sexual harassment claims which gave birth to the #MeToo movement, there are many areas in the industry addressing the need to empower its women. Some of these issues were harder to address in the past as even top actresses needed the work, and with fewer leading lady roles decided to stay silent until much later after any grievances they may have faced. Today, Anita Kouassigan shares her view that there is a need to invest in more women screenwriters and directors.

In this day and age, with the many digital distractions we face by overusing our mobile phones, I firmly believe that film – more than ever – will remain the most effective medium for catching – and keeping – one’s attention when a story is being told. There’s nothing that focuses my mind more than escaping into a movie -at least a decent one, with an engaging story. And the use of film as a tool for storytelling and engagement is a major part of our March event as with all our events.

“There will be screenings of short clips showcasing the messages our sponsors and partners want to deliver. It could be an internally produced documentary that contains footage of a school that’s just been built. Or a view of the first hospital commissioned in a rural area. Or interviews of a victim who’s able to tell their story after being freed from some form of bondage.

Women can certainly become more empowered with an increase in films created to tell even the most uncomfortable stories about their struggles, and this includes documentaries, such as The Uncondemned, possibly one of the most uncomfortable yet. It is a film about the first conviction of rape as a war crime and component of genocide (directed by Michele Mitchell and Nick Louvel-now late, sadly). They worked together as a great team, and I am not suggesting we have films made by women alone, we just need more input from women, which means that there is a need to invest in women in film. Women in film need more funding, in their various roles, including on set, but especially when it comes to screenwriting and directing.

Let us consider the argument in favour of more women having a seat at the table (in boardrooms) and the need for women to play more important roles in the decision-making process of a country (women in law and politics). Those arguments are from the same underlying principle of the need for women to have a voice.

Similarly, in film, more women need to partake in the story-telling process and in directing films, as that is what will ultimately determine how a story comes across. It’s an ongoing reality that not enough scripts are being written by women (perhaps they need more of an incentive?), and men cannot entirely understand the feminine experience. I am not saying we should leave men out; we just need more of a feminine input.

Oftentimes, not enough lines or screen time are dedicated to female roles to humanise a character and one of the most negative aspects still ongoing in the film industry is the objectification of women. It’s still common for female characters to be ridden with clichés and in order to really sell a movie, women may have to appear sexy in order to be viewed as powerful. Why does a woman have to be sexy to be powerful? Why can’t she just be smart and influential in order to be powerful?

Maggie Gyllenhaal recently remarked in an interview that the use of sex in films is used as a tool for female roles to capture the attention of the audience, then they’ll be heard. On screen, women are oftentimes treated as accessories expected to look beautiful, glamorous and extravagant. The key is finding ways to make filmmaking more progressive, giving more dimension to female characters and their stories.

Scripts are often written by men, and while I am not suggesting that male screenwriters set out demean women, they naturally lack certain knowledge that only a woman can have about the certain women-centric issues being addressed. On the other side of what’s deemed as entertaining, there’s the portrayal of bitchy or evil (both with negative connotations), far from empowering.

But things are changing – including in Nigeria. Isoken, directed by Jade Osiberu is a film that has pushed boundaries in terms of the story itself and the way the lead actress (Dakore Egbuson-Akande) depicts her role. She does so in an empowered expression of the issues and choices she’s facing, subjects that are normally deemed as taboo and that cause people (both men and women) to even disrespect a woman in Isoken’s position. But there is still a funding gap for films written and directed by women, and actress-turned-director is still a harder promotion, compared with the case of men.

Credit: Anita Kouassigan, Guardian Woman

In self development February 25, 2019 By Women of Rubies

ACTRESS, FOLUKE DARAMOLA OPENS UP ON HOW BEING RAPED AT A YOUNG AGE INFLUENCED HER ROLE AS A MOTHER

Few years ago, actress Foluke Daramola-Salako, revealed she was raped when she was much younger. In a new interview with Punch, the actress recounted how the experience made her become a better mother to her own daughter.

“I always enlighten my daughter about how some men can be when it comes to sex. Even when I am not around her, she always cautions men when they try to touch her in a way she is not comfortable with. She tells me when she feels harassed by a man. She is out of the country at the moment, and people always call me to ask me how I trained her.

“In my days as a young woman, I couldn’t discuss sex with my mum. Even till now, I still cannot do that because of the orientation I had as a young girl. If my daughter should get deflowered today, she will tell me because we are friends. I started discussing sex education with my daughter when she was six. I didn’t feel it was too early because she had a rapid growth.

“I was raped by my tenant because he thought I was older than my actual age. I am comfortable with my daughter being around men because I have educated her,” she said.

Foluke went on to say that the Federal government needs to enact a law whereby rapists are killed once convicted.

“I believe the government should pass a law against rape; rapists should be killed when they are caught. I don’t call myself a rape victim, but a rape victor. Rape victims become a shadow of themselves; they have no form of self-esteem, some of them even take their lives. When it happened to me, I thank God I had friends who helped me recover fast. “When I came out to say it, people were shocked, but I am happy that after my interview, people started coming out to talk about their experience. It has been happening; it is just that people don’t talk about it. An abuser is always a product of an abuse. I’ll advise parents to always pay attention to their children and listen to them,” she said

Credit: LIB

In self development February 23, 2019 By Women of Rubies

NORTH WEST LANDS FIRST SOLO MAGAZINE COVER AT AGE 5

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s daughter North West has landed her very first solo magazine cover, at age 5.

The cover is for WWD and the issue explores Generation Z and Generation Alpha, and their impact on the global beauty industry.

Talking about the cover, the magazine says:

She embodies the upcoming youthquake, having captivated the digital realm with her cross-generational appeal. Without a public Instagram or YouTube channel of her own, she’s too young to fully understand what a digital footprint is. And yet, hers is already wildly popular.

See the cover below.

For more of North, visit WWD.com.

Credit: Bella Naija

In self development February 22, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

NASILELE MUNYANDI: SUBMISSION

There are many myths surrounding the term “submission” in the world today, many look at submission as a point of weakness, a point of slavery, and a place of discomfort, hence it becomes one position many don’t want to be found in.Today we look at submission from a different angle, one which may help many women not to fall short nor prey to those ahead or above them.

Submission is defined as an action of accepting or yielding to a superior force, or the will or authority of another person. And with this definition, the world today uses a certain language and tone when addressing women about submission, it is said that submission takes away your voice and will power, in turn makes one a slave, this can’t entirely be blamed on the world or society at large .But due to the fact that we live in a male dominated world and 75% of decisions are made by men. Submission from a different perspective would help us as women have a respected voice and our plight heard. I recently finished reading Michelle Obamas, “Becoming”, and in her acknowledgements, she thanks Barack for continued support and companionship, and we read in her book how Barack plays a role in her becoming the woman she is today. Michelle Obama is a woman many young women and girls look up to, and want to emulate, and this brought me to a point of looking at submission in a way very different, a way of getting support, getting a push from another and having someone support your dreams and ambitions, while they hope you become the best version of yourself.

Growing up in urban Zambia, I have seen so many women move from being a house wife to getting an education through the support of their spouces,I for one was a junior accounts clerk reporting to a management accountant who through my submitting to his authority and instruction ,gave me an opportunity to learn and improve more in my work, I was trained and equipped to take up many accounting tasks and was made ready to deliver anywhere, yes there are tough days, days you feel the pressure, days you feel the teaching is tough, but the attitude used in the process of submission will either build or crush your growth, and it builds capacity in that you don’t only better yourself but rather you learn traits that the people who have gone ahead of you , only you can make them better and work to your own growth. Submission starts in our homes ,at an early age, we are taught how to walk, to eat, to clean wash and take care of ourselves, we receive guidance on how to make sound decisions, that will help us become better people, and because we submit to that counsel we grow in mind and soul. Secondly in our professional or rather the market place, we have our bosses or directors, and supervisors who at times, we feel push us too hard, especially at a time we feel we have done enough and our best, we tend to resist, but if we did our part with the right attitude and look at them as our teachers, as people that want to see us maximize our potential, not just for the organizations but for our personal growth, we will embrace these lessons. The third place where submission is mostly misinterpreted in a life of a woman is in a love relationship.be it in marriage or courtship. I am a newly married, and a working wife, my personal experience in terms, submission has taught me a lot, it has brought me to a point of knowing my strength and limits, through taking into consideration the needs of my husband and daily taking care of his needs, which in turn has given me a different kind of perspective, he supports my endeavors and pushes me to not hold back but rather go for my dreams. Lastly I sit under the training and mentorship of a great woman of God; she is a wife, a pastor, mother and mentor, not forgetting an entrepreneur.

She is a strong woman but submits to her husband and takes counsel from those who have gone ahead of her in spiritual and personal matters, I have learnt from her zeal and approach, I see how she becomes stronger and better. I each day look at the queen of England who runs the greatest Monarchy in the world, yet married for 70 years and heeds counsel from her husband, looking at all these amazing women, all the superiors I have come across in career ,social and spiritual circles brought me to a conclusion that a place of submission doesn’t take anything away from us as women, but rather can be used as a process to learn and improve, through the lessons and advice of our superiors and predecessors, My encouragement to a girl out there, a woman who seeks to grow, don’t always look at submission as a place of denial, but rather learn from those who are above you ,and use the lessons for your growth and empowerment.

About Nasilele

Nasilele is a Zambian writer and account assistant with a reputable company in her home country.

Photo credit: betrendsetter.com

In self development February 20, 2019 By Women of Rubies

LOLO CYNTHIA: THE SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARD

I recently went out with a friend who had invited me for drinks with his other friends. They were all men, Igbo men to be precise.

One of the friends had invited a lady over, a lady he referred to as “my wife”. I said hello to her but soon observed a wedding band on her finger. She was married, but not to this man!

By the way, it is important that I add that all the men present were married. Yes! Including my friend

But regardless of that fact, I found myself for a brief second judging the lady. How can a married woman boldly come out to drink us and her boyfriend? I thought to myself. This bar was not a fancy set up, it was a local pub aka joint; where random men and women went to have fun and misbehave.

In the middle of all this, I stopped myself. I began to question myself. Why did I judge this woman so harshly? All the men are married but I am not taking offense at them or specifically at the man who called this woman his wife; who was bolding moving around with a married woman.

Then I looked at myself. Am I any better? I am here in public drinking with four married men. Why do I think I should be spared? Is it because I am not married? I am a single lady drinking in the midst of men; isn’t that worse?

It was in this moment that I became aware of my sexual double standard. I realized that sometimes, we all carry these beliefs that seek to hold women captive. The belief that men seek lust and women seek love, so because of this women should uphold superior self-control.

I realized that I had expected the woman, as a married woman to have more self-respect, whilst easily forgiving and recognizing that behavior as acceptable for the married man. This! I am aware stems from the fact that we assume that men have no shame and are more likely to misbehave, so because of this we demand that women should hold the fort; to be the ones with self-control.

However, what we fail to realize is that this assumption is an insult to men and shows a lack of agency and autonomy for women. The idea of sainthood for women robs us of our humanity; it refuses to acknowledge that we have a full spectrum of emotions and behavior patterns, whilst reinforcing the idea that men are inherently bad. This is one reason we continue to label men as abusers and women as victims.

This double standard is something I believe many of us carry deep within us.

Why should I expect the woman to do better and accept that the man can’t do better? Why did I believe that woman was shaming herself in public but the man gained a certain street credibility?

This is something I recognize with affairs as well. We often tell the women to hands off the men like the men had no part in making that decision; we find it harder to forgive the women but in a blink of an eye, we accept the men back because deep down, we believe they can’t do better.

And the irony of this is the fact that many men believe this works in their favor; the fact that they can misbehave and still be accepted. However, there’s a deeper issue here. I have to ask the men; why do they accept you back without seeking that you do better? Could it be because they believe there’s nothing better you have to offer?

This, in my opinion, is one of the reasons many people carry the belief that men cannot turn down sex, because as usual, they can’t do better. “Men will be Men” – a statement that reinforces the idea that men lack self- control and have a lower moral compass.

I would call this an insult and a slap on the face of men, but after many years of men embracing this stereotype in a bid to justify their actions; how do you believe we can rectify this sexual double standard??

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