self development Archives

In self development June 13, 2019 By Women of Rubies

“I WAS RAPED AT 14, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE A FEW TIMES, SURVIVED A HOUSE FIRE IN 2017 AND WAS KIDNAPPED IN 2018” – ACTRESS, STEPH ISUMA

While celebrating her 28th birthday, actress Steph Isuma recounts how she was raped in the most humiliating way at 14, attempted suicide a few times, survived a house fire in 2017 and was kidnap in 2018.

So sometime Last month I opened up about my struggle with depression and managing it for years!
Struggling with ptsd from some of the worst experiences of my life!
From getting raped in the most humiliating way at Age 14
To attempting suicide a few times To Losing my best friend to Domestic violence. To Surviving A house Fire in 2017. A Kidnap in 2018 wheeeew! .
Living through all of the trauma, the nightmares,the panic attacks has been a struggle!
You crave for peace but even sleep doesn’t afford that. It wrecks your dreams and turns your days into a living nightmare. It messes your head up, destroys your personality, your relationship with your family and friends, your work, your social life, it affects them all.
I decided to share some part of my story just to motivate some people here because I want people to know that they’re not alone
Truth is some of The people who appear strongest.. some of the people u look up to who you envy are fighting the toughest battles too. I can come out wearing the brightest smile but deep down be really sad. ,
But in all…. I’ve come to understand that living is an act of bravery
So , Today….I Celebrate me for never giving up! For holding me up regardless.
Now I know better….I love my life and how it is turning out.
I am grateful for it.
If I could shine a spotlight on it for everyone who’s ever wanted to die, I would, because it’s beautiful and amazing and I would do anything in the world to protect it. And I want anyone who might be suicidal to know how much better life can be.
Yes Emotional pain is real, and no matter how much it feels like it can’t end, it can. It can get better. It does get better. Life gets better. And you get better with it.

ThankGod we don’t look like what we’ve been through!

Credit: LIB

In self development June 13, 2019 By Women of Rubies

BEAUTY INFLUENCER SHAHD KHIDIR IS PASSIONATELY SPEAKING UP ONLINE ABOUT THE SUDAN MASSACRE

Late last week, Sudanese beauty influencer Shahd Khidir (@hadyouatsalaam) took to her Instagram feed to talk about the massacre currently plaguing her home country. Shahd, who moved from Omdurman, Sudan, to the United States with her family when she was younger to flee civil political unrest and create a better life, wrote in her Instagram post: “It’s really hard being an influencer and sharing information that is ‘off brand’ and not worthy of the ‘feed’ but I cannot hold this in anymore. I am at my office crying because I have so many emotions in me and I feel horrible. There’s a massacre happening in my country Sudan’s and a media blackout and internet censorship for four consecutive days.”

Now based in New York, the 26-year-old, who still has family in Sudan, also pointed out the lack of media coverage the conflict has received saying, “There is no objective media sharing what’s going on except for @aljazeeraenglish which had their offices shot down.” According to The New York Times, in April the country’s former president Omar al-Bashir, known for being a dictator during his nearly 30 years in office, was “toppled by his [military] generals” following months of peaceful protests that called for a democratic nation. Since then, the African country (the continent’s third largest) has experienced at least 100 killings, with bodies ending up in Nile River (as of June 4), over 70 reported rape case, robberies, and more, all at the hands of the military forces, with Internet and cellular networks being shut down, as well.

After sharing about the massacre, Shahd got personal in her post, explaining, “My friend @mattar77 was MURDERED by the Rapid Support Forces. My best friend was in hiding on June 2 and that’s the last time I spoke to him. He was missing for 4 days and when I got in touch with him he said: ‘I was caught, beaten and abused and humiliated and arrested and had my phone confiscated from me. I am injured currently.’ And all I could do this post this.”

In an interview with Teen Vogue, Shahd says she felt an “impulse” to speak up about the massacre, expressing,

“I couldn’t handle not being in touch with my friends and family members especially those who are out protesting. After I lost contact with my friend it drove me insane and then when I did hear back it was bad news.” Shahd was devastated at work and didn’t have any friends or family around to support her. “I couldn’t keep it all in my head or wait until the end of the day to share.”

In the original Instagram post, Shahd included a note to the brands she is working with, saying, “I am sorry to all companies I am running campaigns with but my editorial calendar is currently on pause. I am willing to refund all and everything right away. Please, just send me an email.”

Shahd tells Teen Vogue that many of the companies have not responded to her, while others have been “so understanding and cooperative,” and she appreciates their support immensely.

Beyond this, Shahd also made a point to share a message with her Instagram community, offering, “To my followers/supporters who this is too much for I am also sorry but my regularly scheduled content/reviews is also on pause. If this offends you, I am sorry. But I need to speak out and share this in a time like this.”

Shahd later explained that it was hard and “scary” for her to share the post because it made her feel “vulnerable and weak”. “As a micro-influencer in the beauty community this photo of me without makeup and with blemishes and zits and tears down my face, it was really crazy,” she revealed. “I felt like being political, which is ironic because I am a political scientist by degree, would be the death of my career.” Her hesitation to be honest online shows just how much pressure there is for influencers to keep up appearances so their followers and brand partners are happy.

Ultimately, Shahd did not expect her post to go viral (it currently has more than 400,000 likes). In fact ,she says, “I expected people to unfollow me and for my influencing career to end right there.” The influencer thought that opening up about the situation would risk her career but that she felt she needed to say something. “It’s important for anyone that has a voice to speak up…If we don’t speak up about terrible injustices, who will?”

At the end of the original posting, Shahd went one step further to tell her followers, “If you want to support me please share this information as widely as possible and don’t be silent. Be an ally because we need your help. And tune into my stories for more information. THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY HAS BEEN SILENT.”

So far, her 62,000 followers have responded positively. “They have stood by me and really touched my heart. I made an active effort to respond back to every single comment, and direct message but I got blocked from responding,” she shares over email. Accordingly, Shahd wishes she could hug every single person who has shared words of support.

When asked what more people can do to support those impacted by the massacre, Shahd says, “I encourage people to keep sharing information about the Sudan Revolution until there’s a civilian led democratic government. It’s important to spread awareness. It’s important to tell everyone what’s going on. Considering the fact that the Internet is completely blacked out, the Sudanese people have no connection with the outside world. So we have to connect them and spread information about their struggles. Also, please donate to funeral funds, and to medical supplies.” Shahd has continued to share about the conflict on her Instagram stories.

Shahd is not the only one speaking up about the massacre on social media. Yesterday, Rihanna also posted about the conflict on her Instagram stories.

Rihanna reposting a tweet by a non-Sudanese, about the current conditions in Sudan, shows the power social media has in raising awareness306 5:20 PM – Jun 11, 2019 Twitter Ads info and privacy 185 people are talking about this

Credit: Teen Vogue

In self development June 13, 2019 By Women of Rubies

WOMEN LIKE TO DEMAND TOTAL HONESTY FROM MEN AT ALL TIMES; BUT DO THEY REALLY NEED IT?

‘Even if it’s just sex he wants from me, he should say it from the onset.’ Can women really deal with this level of honesty without feeling some type of way?

Either expressly stated or just simply presumed, women set a demand for men who would be forthright from the very beginning. You hear them say stuff like ‘even if it’s just sex he wants from me, I’d appreciate it if he says it from the onset.’

But the question is this: are women really ready for this level of honesty? Will you truly be cool with a guy meeting you from the very beginning and showing nothing but a desire in your body and the pleasures to be derived from that carnal attraction?

Sarah, 26, says she prefers this truth as it helps her decide if she really wants to be with the guy like that or not.

“I think I’ll appreciate the honesty,” she says. “I think I’ll prefer to know what I’m getting into instead of being led on with promises of romantic emotions when there’s actually nothing but a desire to sleep with me.”

Asking three other young women between 25-28 produced the same result. These young, upward-mobile professional women all believe that knowing what’s happening from the onset is actually the best as it affords them the opportunity to say yes to whatever the guy is proposing instead of being left in the dark as to his true intentions.

You’ll still find women who can’t handle that truth [Credit – Shutterstock]

But this perspective can’t be taken as conclusive evidence of women being cool with 100% openness from men, especially when it comes to an expression of intent for sex without commitment.

Despite the constant call by women for honest men who will say what they want from the very onset, you’ll still find women who can’t handle that truth, especially the sexual type. There are women who feel disrespected when a guy expresses a clear sexual interest from the get-go.

That a guy would look at them and be filled with lust instead of a romantic interest is something that some women see as an insult on their womanhood.

“This happens because women around here are taught that sex is something they give, not necessarily something they enjoy. The way sex is spoken of in these parts will make you believe that it is something a woman gives in return for a man’s affection, care and financial support,” says Zoey, 29.

So to get sex from many of such women, all you need do is profess an emotional connection, fake a romantic interest and show affection even if you do not feel any of such things. Your chances of getting that sex jumps by some 40% if not more.

That a guy would look at them and be filled with lust instead of a romantic interest is something that some women see as an insult on their womanhood. [Source: Essence]

“Women think guys don’t know this code but of course we do. So if you are really sexually attracted to a girl and she’s forming I don’t have random sex and all, just work up some romantic act and you’ll be there in her panties in no time. It always works,” says a young Lagos bachelor who asked to be anonymous for this piece.

This, in a way, explains why many women have experienced guys entering ghost mode immediately after dipping into the cookie jar. He says all you need to hear, makes you comfortable enough to roll in the hay with him, and boom! Off he goes without a trace when he has his fill of your body. Of course, this is a f—boy move.

Until more women realise that it is not inherently offensive for men to express their desire for just sex, we may continue to have this problem. If he [sensibly, like a normal human being] says he wants just sex and nothing else with you, just say you are not interested and keep it moving. No need to feel disrespected. It’s not [always] that deep.

Ladies, if you don’t want to have sex with a guy don’t tell him it’s because you’re not in a relationship with him. If you do this, you give him a cheat code and he’ll explore it to your detriment. Tell him that your refusal is because you are not interested at all, regardless of the relationship status.

Also men need to learn to leave women be, who have expressed disinterest in casual sex. There are more than enough women who would be willing to do your bidding; women to whom that honesty will be such a turn on that they’d have no qualms giving you what you want.

In any case, what’s most important in all of this is the continuous need for men and women to relate with more openness and honesty. If there’s more of this and less of dubiousness and emotional fraud, relationships, all variants of it, will be less stressful than we have it now.

Credit: pulse.ng

In self development June 12, 2019 By Women of Rubies

IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO CUT OFF YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS ONCE YOU GET MARRIED?

When it comes to marriage culture, there seems to be a lot of things that require change. Instant change, as a matter of fact.

Acquired habits, such as overspending and making other people do the same in order to impress with one’s wedding, have been spoken against repeatedly. Of course, it is one thing to speak against something, whether or not any form of social change is being effected by that condemnation is another thing.

While we wait for more people to come to accept the sensible option of having wedding ceremonies tailored to their financial capabilities, we might as well begin to tackle another marriage-related issue.

Apparently, it is a thing for married women to cut off their single friends once they become married.

Two or more women could be besties for such a long time, sharing secrets, going out together, living their best lives, creating memories and building a memorable friendship out of those moments shared. As soon as one of them gets married, it is not unusual for the married one to cut off her friendship with the single woman.

Nkem Ikeke of Legit NG thinks this often happens due to paranoia that those friend[s] may want to take her man from her, that they are jealous of her or in other cases, because there’ll no longer be a common ground for them to operate on. Nkem adds that married women who dump their friends do it because upon marriage, their priorities switch from what their single friends have on the top of their to-do list.

Obviously, these are reasons that are not rooted in any form of sound principle. A little rattling and everything comes tumbling down.

For example, the idea that a married woman would rather make friends with only married women because single friends would contrive to steal her man seems to ignore the reality that men who want to cheat will do so with any woman they set their eyes on; married or not. And if a friend is bent on ‘taking’ your man from you, her marital status may really not count for much.

Friendships do not need to end because one person has married. Nothing stops a married woman from being friends with an unmarried woman. [Credit: Video Blocks]

The idea that priorities of women change when they get married actually sounds kinda right. If it is considered from the angle of having to worry about kids and becoming more responsible for little ones who depend heavily on them, yes it makes sense.

But the idea is also used sometimes knock down single women, especially those who are 30 and above, who are pursuing their best lives without an obsessive desire to get married. It is not uncommon for our society to view such women as being less ‘responsible’ than women who have married and ‘settled down.’

The problem with this is that it is a harmful generalization that trivializes [and in some cases, completely disregards] the responsible choices that single women make out here day after day. That none of those decisions revolves around men and getting married does not make them less important.

I could go on and on discrediting the reasons often cited in support of this married woman prejudice, but what’s more important at this point is to mention that when married women continually ostracize their single friends for no other reason than their marital status, it is another passive form of pressuring people to date and marry.

When single people are cut out of friendships and meant to feel like outsiders in their own inner circle, it is another obvious manifestation of how our society and its agents of socialization condition people to view marriage as an elevated form of existence, one that places you on a different pedestal of respectability, over and above people who may not feel like doing so in the nearest future – or ever at all.

Without digressing too far, I should add that I think there is nothing wrong with people drifting apart over the years due to obvious and genuine differences in schedules, lifestyle and distance. That is an accepted part of life. To also cut off people who have shown shady characters and less-than-acceptable behaviours is nothing to raise eyebrows over.

But to intentionally and maliciously move away from your friends for no other reason than their marital status and a sudden, unfounded suspicion of their intentions towards you, is neither necessary, nor sensible.

Credit: pulse.ng

Photo Credit: Google

In self development June 12, 2019 By Women of Rubies

VETERAN ACTRESS, CLARION CHUKWURA BECOMES A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN

Back in the days (80’s-90’s) when Clarion Chukwura was one of the actresses on the spotlight, she always acted roles that had to deal with the glitz and glamour of a ‘bitch life’, and what religious leaders and people may refer to as ‘immoral’ or ‘irresponsible’.

The actress took to her Instagram page to share her testimony of finding Christ. In this post, we see her without makeup, sitting amongst a congregation in Church with her turban all tied up.

She writes:

“MY TESTIMONY; AS AN ACTRESS, I PLAYED THE ROLE OF THE BITCH AND LIFE WAS ALL ABOUT GLAMOUR AND GLITZ, AND THOUGH I WAS THE HUMANITARIAN, I DIDN’T REALISE THAT WITH CHRIST THERE ARE NO HALF MEASURES. BUT, TODAY, HE HAS SAVED ME – JOHN 3: 16 AND LIKE THE APOSTLE PAUL – ROMANS 1: 16 AND I WILL GLORIFY HIS NAME BECAUSE HE HAS EMPOWERED ME FOR OTHERS TO BE SAVED – ACTS 1: 8. JESUS CHRIST IS THE ULTIMATE…DO YOU KNOW HIM? ARE YOU SAVED? DO YOU HAVE A ONE ON ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST TODAY LIKE I DO? IF SO, WHAT IS YOUR TESTIMONY?”

View this post on Instagram

MY TESTIMONY; AS AN ACTRESS, I PLAYED THE ROLE OF THE BITCH AND LIFE WAS ALL ABOUT GLAMOUR AND GLITZ, AND THOUGH I WAS THE HUMANITARIAN, I DIDN’T REALISE THAT WITH CHRIST THERE ARE NO HALF MEASURES. BUT, TODAY, HE HAS SAVED ME – JOHN 3 : 16 AND LIKE THE APOSTLE PAUL – ROMANS 1 : 16 AND I WILL GLORIFY HIS NAME BECAUSE HE HAS EMPOWERED ME FOR OTHERS TO BE SAVED – ACTS 1 : 8. JESUS CHRIST IS THE ULTIMATE…DO YOU KNOW HIM? ARE YOU SAVED? DO YOU HAVE A ONE ON ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST TODAY LIKE I DO? IF SO, WHAT IS YOUR TESTIMONY?

A POST SHARED BY NEW JERUSALEM MEDIA (@CLARACHUKWURAH) ON JUN 9, 2019 AT 7:35AM PDT

Credit: fabwoman.ng

In self development June 11, 2019 By Women of Rubies

“NEVER LET YOUR KIDS SUFFER THE SINS OF THEIR FATHER” -TOYIN LAWANI

Toyin Lawani of Tiannah’s Empire is appreciating the father of her son in an Instagram post.

Over the weekend, her son Tenor walked the runway for Toyin’s Elegante Kids line. The two of them were supported at the event by Tenor’s father and musician Lord Trig.

Following the event, Toyin wrote on her Instagram page:

Never let your kids suffer the sins of their father. We need to let them Grow in love from Both sides. Regardless of our Differences, which we have to put Aside, parents need to learn this, when you fall out of a relationship,the kids shouldn’t fall out of it too, the kids shouldn’t suffer, when it was sweet the public didn’t enjoy with you, so when it goes bad why involve the public 🤷‍♀️
Everyone has their pain and React to situations differently, so I can’t Dictate how you treat your relationship to you , what I care about is mine👌if I start to talk about all my pains here you will Understand what some mothers have to endure, but for the sake of my kids , I will endure the most uncomfortable situations in life just to see them smile and Grow into A loving man who will love and Respect their family.
Social media has taught me a lot of lessons when it comes to Relationships, what ever makes you happy don’t post it, once you do ,your relationship will now be public content ,for them to judge 247, Remember people only know what you show them, I’ve learnt that I can Even have An Entire wedding and not post it.
Atimes our Relationships suffer due to fame , fame comes with a price and Atimes the price can affect your loved ones, I am not the type to Respond to Nasty comments about me on social media ,from a formal loved one, especially when there’s a child involved ,I will ignore you till you Get back to your Senses 👌we all need to know that when we are upset ,we can write anything just to hurt the other person , Even if they are lies ,the world won’t care and you won’t be able to take it back even if you are sorry ,But you would have given them Room to interfere into your privacy.
This is a part of me I don’t show, but I want this to be an Advice to parents out there , make it work for your kids, overlook the pain and be friends ,so your kids can grow in love, if they don’t see love between Their Biological parents, They can never love Anyone Right 🙏
Thanks to My Gee @lordmaine2s Dad @trigg_gram for always being there to support his son , His presence at Tenors showcase @elegantekids for @officialadaorable Gave tenor more Ginger on stage 🔥love you guys Endlessly

See the photos from the fashion event below.

Photo Credit: @tiannahsplacempire

News Credit: Bella Naija

In self development June 11, 2019 By Women of Rubies

THIS LAGOS SCHOOL ALLOWS PARENTS TO PAY THEIR KIDS’ SCHOOL FEES WITH EMPTY PLASTIC BOTTLES

A Lagos school has made it possible for parents to sleep with their eyes closed after a groundbreaking initiative launched by the school management.

This came to light after Morit International School located in Ajegunle adopted the RecyclesPay Education Project, an initiative of African Clean Up Initiative (ACI), an environmental non-governmental organisation in Lagos.

The school accepts empty plastic bottles from parents and guardians in exchange for payment of their children’s school fees.

Wecyclers, the recycling company attached to the project, comes to collect the plastic bottles after getting a substantial amount of plastic wastes. The amount given to parents is determined after weighing what each of them has brought.

The initiative was adopted to ease the burden of parents finding it hard to pay their wards’ fees.

Watch Video Below

Credit: fabwoman.ng

In self development June 11, 2019 By Women of Rubies

“I AM SO SHY, I DON’T EVEN WANT YOU TO KNOW I’M SHY” -RIHANNA

Rihanna’s highly successful ventures across multiple industries are worthy of a standing ovation. From lingerie and beauty to fashion and music, her ascendance to multi-hyphenate territory has only heightened the public’s fixation on her every move. In her latest cover story for Interview Magazine, the award-winning artist spoke to her Ocean’s 8 costar Sarah Paulson about her upcoming album, being in love, becoming a mother one day, and her relationship with religion.

“I’m so shy,” Rihanna tells Paulson. “I don’t even want you to know I’m shy.” Although she hasn’t released a new album since 2016’s Anti, she admits her entrepreneurial success has meant dividing her time between the multitude of projects she has in the works, including new music.

“It’s the reason why an album isn’t being spat out like it used to,” she admits. “I used to be in the studio, only the studio, for three months straight, and an album would come out. Now, it’s like a carousel. I do fashion one day, lingerie the next, beauty the next, then music the next. It’s like having a bunch of kids and you need to take care of them all.”

“Okay, but as a hungry kid, I need a new Rihanna album. How much longer do we have to wait?” Paulson then asks her. “It really does suck that it can’t just come out, because I’m working on a really fun one right now,” Rihanna replies. “I’m really happy with a lot of the material we have so far, but I am not going to put it out until it’s complete. It makes no sense to rush it, but I want it out. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m like, “Even if I don’t have the time to shoot videos, I’m going to put an album out.”

Although Paulson continues to press her costar about a release date, Rihanna admits “I wish I knew,” and explains that she has blocked off a “solid period of time” in the studio next month.

In addition to music-related inquiries, the Glass actress asks her to divulge about her love life, and whether or not children are on the horizon. “Are you in love,” Paulson asks. “Of course I am,” Rihanna promptly responds. Although she opts for silence when asked about marriage, she notes that becoming a mother is something she wants, “more than anything in life.”

When asked whether or not she has ever questioned her faith, the Grammy-award winner notes that although she’s never doubted her religious beliefs, she has felt as though her relationship with God was strained at times.

“I have been in a place where I felt like maybe I had disappointed God so much that we weren’t as close,” Rihanna explains. “Actually, that happened to me while I was making Anti. That was a really hard time, but, thank God, I got through it.”

According to a recent report by Forbes, Rihanna is currently the wealthiest female musician in the world, surpassing greats like Beyoncé and Céline Dion. This was undoubtedly influenced by her partnership with luxury fashion conglomerate LVMH, and the commercial success of her beauty and lingerie lines. With the imminent arrival of her upcoming album, there doesn’t appear to be anything that’s capable of slowing Rihanna down.

You can read Paulson and Rihanna’s full conversation for Interview here https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/meet-rihanna-the-shy-gal

Credit: Interview Magazine, Complex

In self development June 10, 2019 By Women of Rubies

WHY STAN CULTURE IS HARMFUL, TOXIC AND ULTIMATELY NEEDS TO DIE

As the Beyhive carry out a coordinated attack on yet another undeserving victim, we examine stan culture and why it is possibly, one of the most toxic things in existence.

Why stan culture is harmful, toxic and ultimately, needs to die [Credit: Genius]

Stan culture originated from Eminem‘s hit song ‘Stan’ which told the tale of a fan, obsessed with the Slim Shady himself. It was an incredible work of art that defined a moment in hip-hop as a whole but the word ‘stan’ became synonymous with a crazed or obsessed fan who would go to great lengths to obsess over a celebrity.

Whilst ‘Stan’ wrote letters to Eminem, the birth of social media means that fans have instant access to their idols and the ability to hide behind a keyboard has created a legion of faceless individuals who are able to anonymously spew hate in the name of their ‘fave’.

The latest incident involves Beyonce‘s legion of fans, the Beyhive, who are known for being merciless towards anyone who they perceive to messing with their Queen B. The latest victim is Nicole Curran, wife of Golden State Warriors owner who was spotted leaning over Beyonce to speak toJay-Z at a basketball game. It didn’t matter that Beyonce and Jay- Z were gusts of the couple, the Beyhive buzzed into action, prompting Beyonce’s publicist to put out a statement.

Beyonce’s publicist Yvette Noel-Schurecalled out the singer’s dedicated army of fans for ‘spewing hate’ towards Nicole Curran.

The wife of Golden State Warriors’ owner, 50, has revealed she’s had to shut down her social media accounts after receiving death threats following a viral clip of Beyonce appearing to get annoyed at her because she was chatting to her husband Jay-Z.

And now the singer’s longtime publicist Yvette has condemned the actions of the The Beyhive, informing them that she understood their ‘love for Beyonce runs deep’ but ‘love has to be given to every human.’

In an impassioned caption on Instagram, Nicole wrote, “I am looking back today at the start of The OTRII tour, one year ago. It was a place of joy, unimaginable entertainment from two of the best performers in the world, and a place of love. Every single day on that tour I saw love. Which is why I also want to speak here to the beautiful BeyHiVE. I know your love runs deep but that love has to be given to every human. It will bring no joy to the person you love so much if you spew hate in her name. We love you.”

This comes after Nicole admitted she has been cyber bullied following the viral clip and explained to DailyMail.com that she was merely getting Jay’s drink order. Nicole said the A-list couple were invited as guests of her and her husband Joe Lacob to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals on Wednesday night.

Curran revealed: “I have been cyber bullied and think it is very unfair. They were our guests last night. As a hostess, I offered her a drink and then him one as we don’t have floor service at our games. I had to lean in to hear what he wanted. That is it. No story. Just bullying.”

This latest incident, one of many, is indicative of how toxic stan culture has become and why it does more damage than it does in the long run. Impressionable young fans are being drawn into these obsessive one-way relationships with celebrities and acting out on their behalf, often without prompting.

Before the advent of the digital age fans of celebrities, musicians, even sports stars did not have the means to access their idols, however, social media has created a space for instant gratification and the dangerous access to information with little context. In this vein, when celebrities give out information or just post something, fans get up in arms about it in no time at all over the Internet, allowing for stan culture and obsessive behaviour to expand faster than ever before.

Social media also means people are allowed to freely share their opinions about everything and put themselves in a position to be instantly challenged by those who don’t share similar views. Furthermore, the stans were mostly outliers in the past, 6as the very extreme of the fan spectrum but now, they have become, if anything, the norm and come to the forefront partially due to the growth of social media where they can easily find and empower each other through fan communities.

So, why is stan culture so bad? Well, it is culture is also notorious for extreme actions, such as sending harassing and inflammatory message and threatening others. Stans are often vicious when provoked and display worrying anti-social behaviour.

What many psychological professionals would describe this as is a parasocial relationship. This is not an imaginary disorder or an imaginary diagnosis, but it’s the official definition of a relationship many people have with famous figures. Parasocial relationships are one-sided dynamics in which energy, interest and time are extended towards the object of obsession whilst they (commonly a celebrity) remain ignorant of the existence of the other.

Most parasocial relationships are completely harmless, the equivalent of caring just a bit too much about the status of your favourite celebrity couple. However, there are cases of extreme parasocial relationships cross the line into stalking or other threatening behaviour, symbolic of stan culture in its entirety,

Its important that Beyonce put out a public statement condemning the actions of her rogue fans however, if we are going to quell stan culture altogether, all celebrities need to take the same stance.

Ultimately, stan culture promotes unhealthy attachment and anti-social behaviour and needs to be stopped, the culture needs to die.

Credit: pulse.ng

In self development June 8, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

SARA FABIAN: 5 PRACTICES THAT HELPED ME STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER

Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I spent quite a high amount of my precious time trying. Trying to be perfect. Trying to be appreciated and liked by everyone else around me. Trying to fit in with different groups of people so that I could feel accepted and approved of.

I can recall many situations in my life when I did things I didn’t really want to do to comfort or please others. I was a master of people pleasing and, to be honest, it wasn’t always because I wanted to make everyone happy.

The truth is that I wanted people to like me. I expected them to give me the things I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention.

People-pleasing is an unhealthy behavior, a clear sign of low self-esteem. It is disempowering, inauthentic, and extremely time- and energy-consuming.

Here are five simple practices that helped me stop being a people pleaser.

1. Allow myself to be me.

I can recall I once told a guy I was dating that I wanted to join him for a football match when, in fact, I didn’t. I knew he loved football, so I thought he would see me as a right partner and like me more. Big mistake.

If you’re also doing things you don’t want to do, hoping those things will strengthen your relationships, be careful with that. Be honest about what you like or dislike. Be real. Pretending and faking who you are and what you want will only work against you.

Being myself got me married. The day I had the first dinner with my husband (as friends at that time), I had no expectations of getting involved in a romantic relationship. I didn’t care if he liked me, I didn’t try to please him in any way because, to me, he was just a friend, not “a marriage prospect.” No lies, no mask, no hidden agenda.

He got to meet the honest, real me, and this was whom he eventually fell in love with. Authenticity is magnetic! Being genuine is a matter of choice, so I stopped explaining myself for what I want and for who I am.

If you also feel like wearing a mask when among people, I want you to know it is okay to be you. Your perfect imperfections make you special and unique.

Be your own kind of beauty. Stay true to your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and emotions. Live your own life, with no apologies and no regrets.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~ Brene Brown

2. Detach from other people’s opinion of me.

Did you know that the fear of public speaking comes first among all kinds of fears? Even the fear of death comes second! Most people don’t feel brave enough to show up in their vulnerability in front of others because they’re focusing more on what people might think about them than on the message they want to convey. I was there in the past, and whenever I had to hold a speech at work, it felt like torture.

Seeking validation from others turns us into their prisoners. In reality, we can’t control what other people feel or think, but we are in charge of our own actions, feelings, and thoughts.

When I know that what other people think of me does not define me, I set myself free from any judgment. What they see in me is their opinion. Some might perceive me as smart, funny, and talented. Others might think I’m an average public speaker or even a lousy one. To some, I might look pretty. To others, I might not. It’s all about their standards of beauty or intelligence, and it has nothing to do with me.

I do the best I know and the best I can every day. I love and approve of myself as I am, and other people’s opinion or validation of me is neither required nor needed.

If this rings a bell with you, please know you cannot please everyone, no matter how much you might try. Other people’s opinions of you are nothing but perception, filtered through their own lenses, expectations, or system of belief. Know you are worthy and beautiful, not because others think so, but because you decide to believe it.

“When I seek your approval, I don’t approve of the me that’s seeking the approval.” ~ Byron Katie

3. Set healthy boundaries with the outer world.

One of the most challenging things I had to learn was how to say no to things I didn’t really want to do, without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly worried that I might hurt or upset someone else. I struggled with this in my personal relationships (like when I saw a movie in town on a Sunday because a good friend had asked, even though my body only wanted to sleep and recharge), but not only in this area of my life.

This was a challenge at work, as well, whether I was saying yes to tasks that were not part of my job profile or volunteering to take on new projects when I already had a lot on my plate. But one day, I decided to speak up for myself and see what happened. Surprisingly, everything was just fine when I started telling people what I needed.

To me, setting healthy boundaries was a learned practice, and here’s where I am today:

Saying no doesn’t mean I dislike or reject the other person. I say yes to the person and no to the task. In reality, I know I can’t disappoint anyone. People disappoint themselves with the expectations they set for whom they want me to be and what they expect me to do. It’s always their story. If they truly love me, they would understand.

We teach people how to treat us by deciding what we will and won’t accept. I ceased letting anyone take advantage of me. I am not a doormat. It is not my responsibility to entertain other people and make them happy. Whenever I offer people time, I give them a piece of my life.

Today, I spend my precious time with people who bring the best in me, who support me and accept me just the way I am. Relationships in which we need to pretend are toxic. If I don’t feel at ease with people, I don’t change myself; I change the people.

Setting boundaries in a relationship might look selfish to the outer world. In reality, it is a form of self-respect, self-love, and self-care.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

4. Assertive communication.

Often cases, I found it extremely difficult to say no only because I didn’t know how to express myself with clarity and confidence, fearing I could sound aggressive or impolite. I learned to say no with grace, without offending anyone.

Here are some simple formulas that always work well for me:

It doesn’t work for me right now.
I’m not able to make it this Sunday/this week/month/year.
I’ve got too much on my plate right now.
Thank you for thinking of me, I’m sorry I can’t at this time.
It’s too bad I’m busy, but please let me know how it turns out.
Perhaps another time, let me know what next week looks like for you.
No thank you, but it sounds lovely.

“When you say Yes to others, make sure you are not saying No to yourself.” ~ Paulo Coelho

5. Become my own best friend.

For my happiness, I’m in charge. I stopped expecting others to make me happy and to fulfill my needs and desires.

I’ve made myself a priority in my own life. I engage in activities that bring me joy. I do more things for my heart and soul. This way, I create happiness from the inside out instead of chasing it through other people.

It is not my husband’s responsibility to make me feel valued, cherished, loved, whole, and complete; it’s mine.

Loving ourselves as a whole—mind, body, and soul—is not selfish; it is necessary. Being loved is a human need. However, being needy is something different. I came to understand that people who are taking good care of themselves are less dependent on the approval of others.

I pay attention to my self-talk. I eliminated disempowering words or thoughts from my repertoire: “I am stupid,” “I am too fat,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m not good enough.”

I treat myself with dignity and respect. I talk to myself kindly. I don’t call myself names and I acknowledge myself for my achievements, for my willingness to learn and grow. This way, my cup of self-love is always full, and external praise comes as a bonus.

I practice the art of embracing praise. I take compliments gracefully instead of putting myself down, as if I’m unworthy of such a celebration. I enjoy when people compliment me but I am not dependent on them to feel good about myself.

“It’s not your job to like me; it’s mine.” ~ Byron Katie

Once I decided to embrace myself with love and compassion, being alone didn’t feel scary or hard, and I started to enjoy my own company.

Just think from this perspective: Out of everyone you know in the world, the only person that is always present in your life, non-negotiable, day and night, is you. So if you don’t like being all by yourself, at least from time to time, you might need to work on the most important relationship you’ll ever get in life: the one with yourself.

To some people, the need to be alone could also be a personality issue, as introverted persons want to charge their batteries from the inside out and don’t always need to be surrounded by people. Meanwhile, I have met very extroverted people who suddenly didn’t need to spend so much of their time with others and started focusing more on themselves.

Being liked and included and feeling a sense of belonging to a community are basic human needs. As defined by Descartes, humans are “social animals.” However, many people use others as a diverting tool that helps them run from themselves.

I’ve been there as well in the past—spending time with others to feel seen or included, or keeping the TV switched on all day long in my home, even if I wasn’t watching. In reality, I was using that noise to run from my own thoughts and emotions.

When we have a harmonic relationship with ourselves, we no longer look to other people to fill holes in our self-esteem. We need people but we aren’t emotionally needy. There’s a big difference between the two.

“You can never feel lonely when you like the person you’re alone with.“ ~Wayne Dyer

Source: Tiny Buddha

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