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“Never Tell Your Secrets To A Woman In Love” – Lisa Omorodion

Lisa Omorodion has pointed out a problem with women in love which ends up having a lasting effect even when the relationship is over.

The actress said women in love are fond of telling their significant others the secrets their female friends told them in confidence. She pointed out that this makes the boyfriend judge the friend wrongly and the impression the man has of the friend remains even after the relationship is over.

She told women in love that their friends’ secrets should remain with them and shouldn’t be used as pillow talk with their boyfriends.

She wrote:

LADIES LETS TALK!

Your boyfriend is not my BEST FRIEND , you are my best friend . If I want him to know my secrets i will call a meeting with the two of you present and share it all.Ladies NEVER ever tell your secrets to a woman in love. This woman in particular has certain characteristics – overly trusting, her legs jelly(aftermath of being swept off her feet a time too many) ,her stomach ridden with butterflies. Now, pillow talk is one of her favourite pastime with her new Boo; Information dished out here might even not be on a need to know basis. To some it’s for the simple reason of seeking validation to improve intimacy, for others its just GIST! Whatever the reason, secrets are spilled; mainly of the other person (you) blurring herself out of the picture while at it. After all said & said; her boyfriend can virtually see through you and in most cases judge you without you knowing.

Like a tornado, the relationship comes crashing! but guess the only thing that withstood this crash?? Your guess is as good as mine- your Secret/Gist! The ex boyfriend , the other one before this one and the one from 4 years ago have all left the building with TOO MUCH information.
A word for the unwise.. A boyfriend is NOT your husband …Stop betraying your friends!!

"Never tell your secrets to a woman in love" Actress Lisa Omorodion berates women who tell their friends

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Rosanna Snee: What To Do If You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Family

No family is perfect! It’s far from it. All families experience some level of dysfunction. Most, however, manage pretty well despite it.

There are gradients of dysfunction. The family’s psychological and physical health sometimes determines where it registers on the dysfunctional seismograph.

Examining Family Dynamics

To determine a family’s level of dysfunction, it’s important to examine its dynamics.

Is there crippling internal conflict, such as severe sibling rivalry, parental and/or child conflict? Is there domestic violence, mental illness, or sexual abuse? Perhaps the conflict is external, like drug and/or alcohol addiction, unemployment, gambling, or even extramarital affairs?

All of these conflicts, whether internal or external, affect the family unit dramatically and cause considerable life-long dysfunction for its members.

Dysfunctional Family Roles

In almost all dysfunctional families, there are various ROLES taken on by its members to help the family survive.[1]

Let’s take a look at some of these roles.

The Enabler

The enabler takes on the protective role.[They do whatever is necessary to take care of the family, no matter how bad the situation is.

For example, in a family with an alcoholic or drug addict, the enabler is the one who picks up the pieces after their father comes home drunk. They protect the troubled family member from suffering the consequences of their bad behavior; they always hope that they can say or do something that will make their addicted parent stop what they’re doing.

This is exceedingly stressful and obviously, a lose-lose situation. In actuality, by protecting their addictive parent, they are creating a comfortable atmosphere for that parent, making it even more difficult for the addict to want to quit anything.

The Hero

This family member, the hero, usually the firstborn, could be considered the Poster Child for the family.[3] They make sure everything looks good to the outside world.

The hero tends to be an overachiever and is always on top of their game. This hero knows that if they look good, so will their family. Often, they deny that there’s even a problem.

As you can imagine, keeping a dysfunctional family together and looking good is a tough job, which causes a great deal of pressure and inner conflict.

The Troublemaker/Scapegoat

The scapegoat tends to be the family’s “black sheep”.[4] They are typically the middle child. They are the ones who are constantly getting into trouble, and they sometimes get suspended from school, arrested, have angry outbursts, etc.

This family member takes the bullet for the team. The scapegoat, as the name implies, is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family. Usually, they are the first to fly the coop.

In many cases, if the “troublemaker” straightens up their act or manages to escape, another member of the family will more than likely take over the role.

The Lost Child

The lost child, who is sometimes referred to as the “quiet one”, gets lost in the shuffle.

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family

Above, I covered some of the roles played in dysfunctional families. Now, let’s take a look at some of the characteristics that make a family register high on their dysfunctional seismograph.

1. Abuse

Sexual assault, physical beatings, or verbal lashings are all active types of abuse. These are extremely serious.

These families typically get caught up in a loop that makes it seem as though the abuse is “normal”. It’s not uncommon for children who grow up in these environments to continue the abusive behavior into their adulthood.

2. Emotional Abuse

This type of abuse is considered inactive.

For example, a mother who ignores her child, who doesn’t hold it; a parent who shows absolutely no interest in their offspring, or withholds love when the child doesn’t do what they want.

Neglect leaves the child always begging for attention, always looking for ways to receive validation. Some severe forms of emotional abuse include constant criticism, shaming, guilt-tripping, bullying, threats, gaslighting, and controlling behavior, to name but a few.

A man I once treated presented with a constant need for attention from men and women alike. If he didn’t receive it, he would get very depressed and think something was wrong with him.

He constantly berated himself for not being good enough. Some probing into his family background revealed what I already suspected – the man’s father had been absent from his son’s life. And when he was around, he ignored his son, paying more attention to his friends and activities.

Without realizing it, as an adult, my client was on a continual quest to get the approval and attention from strangers that he never received from his father.

3. Conditional Love

In families where love is conditional, there is always an extreme disappointment.

A member of this family is constantly striving to be perfect. They know that if they’re not – that if they don’t do what is expected of them – the “love” will be withdrawn. These members feel like they’re walking on a tightrope. One slip and it’s all over.

In these families, there’s no safety net. Children often grow up to become people-pleasers who do whatever it takes to get the love they so desperately want and need.

4. No Boundaries

A typical scenario in this type of family is a parent who is controlling, invades your privacy, and has no consideration for your opinion or desires. Maybe they open your mail or throw it away if they don’t want you to see it. You may want to express yourself but are discouraged if you do.

Without boundaries, family roles are fuzzy.[As an older child, you might become parentified, obliged to act as parent to your younger siblings or your parents.

Living with no boundaries is like throwing five different types of food into a blender. Once they are blended, it’s impossible to separate any of the ingredients.

A home with no boundaries is like that. You don’t have your own space or your own identity. There’s an overall lack of respect for individual rights and privacy.

5. No Intimacy

In this household, there is no closeness between the family members. Signs of love are non-existent. The kids in this home don’t feel supported in any way. Emotionally, the parents are unavailable. It is likely that a grown adult from this type of family is cut off from their emotions or will choose someone who is unavailable themselves, replicating their family of origin.

6. Triangulation

In this type of dysfunction, the family members can’t or won’t confide in each other. “Communication” happens by “triangulating” another family member into their drama.[9]

Let’s say, for instance, that Mom is angry at Dad. Instead of talking to Dad about the situation, she calls Timmy over and starts complaining to him about Dad, “Can you believe what he did? He’s a mess. I can’t even stand him. You can tell him I said so.”

Imagine how Timmy feels stuck between both parents. In this household, a third person is always drawn in and made the substitute for direct communication.

7. Addiction

Any family who has one or more members addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc., is gravely dysfunctional. Any kind of addict is not – cannot – be a good, responsible parent. They may be physically present, but not emotionally.

Addicts are unpredictable. The members of this family grow up being hypervigilant – always looking for clues as to what’s going to happen next.

In families with addictions, there may be a lot of yelling, violence, or the reverse, non-involvement. All of these features cause acute pain.

Some Causes of Dysfunction in a Family

Now that you have a picture of the pieces that go into the dysfunctional family construct, you may want to know the causes.

Many things can be at play. For instance, there could be a history of mental illness, health issues, or physical or verbal abuse. Maybe the parent grew up in a violent home, and now they’ve created one themselves.

Sometimes, however, the dysfunction is created by unpredictable life challenges. Maybe high stress due to the loss of a job, which leads to frustration, depression, and maybe even domestic abuse.

While I was working with Worker’s Compensation patients, the stress caused by their detrimental injuries and subsequent job loss was unbearable for some of my clients. Often they became depressed, abusive, suicidal, and sometimes even homicidal.

The loss of identity changes the family dynamics, and a situation that didn’t previously exist becomes prevalent.[10] Roles change, thereby creating a great deal of havoc within the family.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave many scars. Those scars may appear as:

  • Behavioral disorders
  • Difficulty starting and maintaining relationships
  • Difficulty communicating feelings
  • Low self-esteem
  • Lack of self-worth
  • Chronic anxiety or depression
  • Constant self-criticism

11 Ways You Can Heal From a Dysfunctional Family

If you grew up in a dysfunctional household, you may feel a sense of hopelessness. But all is not lost. There are many things you can do to heal and live a balanced and productive life.

Here are some suggestions to get you on your way:

  1. Get some therapy. A good therapist can help you look at those old, internal wounds, and work with you to help heal them.
  2. Understand that as a child, you didn’t have a voice, but as an adult, you do.
  3. Realize that no matter what you were told, you are worthy of love. You matter!
  4. Learn to express your feelings. They’re in there.
  5. Stay away from the toxic environment as much as possible.
  6. Stop repeating the cycle you lived in. It is necessary to find a new normal.
  7. Understand that your past does not define you. As an adult, you can make different choices.
  8. Stop blaming your past. Do things differently; that’s the best way to move forward.
  9. Give up any unbecoming role/s you played. What role did you play? Is it something that works for you? Or something you need to discard?
  10. You are not a victim anymore unless you allow yourself to be.
  11. Know that you can’t change people. You can only change yourself. By virtue of that, you change the behavior of others.

Final Thoughts

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can be brutal. It’s an ongoing war that leaves multiple battle scars.

As an adult, you don’t have to keep fighting the war. You can end it. And while you might always have flashbacks, don’t let them dictate your present life.

You can make different choices. Initially, you may have to do things that go against the grain of who you believe you are. But by doing these things over and over again, things can change.

The cycle of dysfunction can be broken. A new and improved cycle can be built, and you can be the one to do it!

About Rosanna
Rossana is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She aspires to motivate, to inspire, and to awaken your best self!
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Feeling Unappreciated? 5 Ways to End This Pain

Do you ever look at the people you love and want to cry because they do not see how much you do to make them okay?

Do you ever want to scream at a loved one saying, “after everything I do or have done for you, you treat me like this?”

Have you ever been in a position to do something for a loved one and you hesitate not because you don’t want to help them but because you know they would not appreciate it?

Do you ever find yourself thinking of detaching yourself from a loved one because it hurts to pour all of yourself into caring for them and get nothing in return?

Do you ever want to stop doing so great at work because while you are mostly covering the asses of people who are defaulting, and adding value to the company, you are unnoticed?

If these questions struck you, then you are feeling unappreciated and that is right, but it is not okay.

It Is Not Okay to Feel Unappreciated

It is right to feel unappreciated when you are unappreciated, but it is not okay to feel that way because that feeling comes with a lot of pain – the pain you would rather do without.

There are a lot of terrible feelings that can plague humans, such as feeling unloved, feeling underestimated, feeling rejected, and many others. However, one of the worst feelings is feeling unappreciated.

Feeling unappreciated is one of the worst feelings because it is never a feeling that stems as a result of being around strange people. It is a feeling that stems from being around people you are familiar with, either family or work.

The hurt never goes away. It just keeps growing and growing until one day, you are overwhelmed by the bad feelings and hurt you cannot shake.

When you start feeling this way, you begin to detach from the people who make you feel this way. This can include a family member, friend, spouse, or child. It can also be your colleagues at work or your boss.

This feeling of not being appreciated enough can only come from putting care, resources, and emotions into something or someone. When you are investing emotions and resources into certain people and they turn around and are not appreciative of your kind gesture, this feels like a stab to the heart.

You are doing everything possible to make your family and friends comfortable. To make them feel better only for them to be ungrateful – that is one hell of a betrayal.

You should never have to regret things you did for love. Feeling unappreciated can get you to that point. If you ever have to regret the things you did for love, then that love was not worth it, and it does not matter who that love was shown to.

We all want to feel appreciated because we deserve credit for all the good we do for our loved ones. However, when these appreciations do not come, we feel like we did not do things right.

First of all, wipe that feeling from your mind. You did everything right. They are the ones who don’t know what they have and what they stand to lose, should you walk away.

Again, it is right to feel unappreciated. But if you would want to move forward in life, it might be time to let go of that feeling and the pain that comes with it.

5 Ways to Get Rid of Feeling Unappreciated

Here are 5 ways you can get rid of that awful feeling of being unappreciated and be happier in life.

  1. Do Things for Yourself

A meme says “One day, you will tell people you did everything for them, and they will tell you they never asked you and they would be right.”

The hard truth is that these people whom you are moving mountains and breaking boundaries for never asked you to do it for them. You did it because deep inside your heart, it felt right.

You may be working super hard and doing all the right things at work but if you are doing them just to get noticed, you are doing it all wrong.

When you do things for yourself, you feel better. You may be wondering why you have to work harder and carry the whole team on your back for yourself at work. You are helping yourself grow and pushing your career further by doing just that.

You may also be wondering why you have to do things for your family members when they do not appreciate it. But you are simply positioning yourself for the universe to be kinder.

2. Appreciate Yourself

There is a funny Nigerian adage about the Lizard. It goes, “The lizard nods every time it takes a huge jump because it says to itself ‘If nobody appreciates me, I will appreciate myself’.”

Whenever you finish that huge task at work, do not wait for someone to tell you, “Hey Katie, you did well” or “Hey, Daniel, that was a great one.” Simply take yourself to KFC, and buy yourself a small bucket of chicken. Eat it all up and celebrate your small wins.You can also buy a good bottle of wine, play some music, and drink a glass of it. You have done great; give yourself a treat because you deserve it. You cannot keep waiting for people to treat you better. Treat yourself better first.

Someone once said, “You are the first example of what loving you should look like.” Of course! You are the first example of what appreciating you should look like.

When people see that you appreciate yourself to the max, they had better do better when they want to appreciate you. They have seen at this point that you do not care much for their appreciation and that you can do right by yourself.

  1. Be Appreciative of Others

It might be easy to want to treat people in the way that you have been treated; it is tempting really. Why should you be appreciative when you are grossly unappreciated?

But there is a rule good people go by, and it is “always do unto others as you would want to be done unto you.” Always live your life by this directive. The reason people are unappreciative of you is that they do not live their life by this directive. They expect good things, but they do not show forth this good.

Set an example. Be the difference they are too distracted to be. Be the bigger, better person, and say your thank you’s with all the appreciation you can muster.

You are not them, and they are not you. you should never let people who do not know better influence you and make you tilt to their direction. Forget the “If you cannot beat them, join them” rule, and move on to “if you cannot beat them, teach them”.

Children learn to say thank you from their parents, then go on to replicate this good behavior. Gratitude and appreciation are the habits of a decent human. Be a decent human.

  1. Keep in Mind That Life Is Not Fair

Darling, life is not fair. You will be taken for granted, and you will be hurt. All of these things are how mother nature balances herself. There’s good and bad and sometimes, you might be on the bad side of the balance.

It hurts to think that you are sending out good and not getting that in return. Oh, it hurts. But when you realize that life happens and that it is not always fair, it will create a soft landing.

The song, ‘forever young’ has a line that says “Hoping for the best, yet expecting the worst”. That is how you should see life. Be optimistic that great things will happen, but have it at the back of your mind that crazy things will happen too.

Be optimistic that people will appreciate you, but also keep it at the back of your mind that people may not be appreciative. When you can do this consistently, you will feel good when you are appreciated, but you also would not feel bad when you aren’t. You came prepared.

  1. Focus on the Good Only

The baggage that comes with feeling unappreciated is depression. And this can only happen if you keep brooding in the dark paths that you need to come out from.

If you keep thinking of all you deserve and how you are not getting it, you would get sadder and sadder until you are locked up in your room, snuggled up in bed, hugging your pillow, and hating your life.

Did you get taken for granted? It is life. It is not all peaches and roses. Look on the bright side. Look at all you have achieved when you were doing the things you were not appreciated for.

Someone who is constantly staring at the light will find it hard to notice that there is darkness all around them. Be that person. Focus on the good and the good alone, and let the bad slide right off your shoulder like raindrops on a rock.

Do not dwell on it. No one and nothing is worth your sanity. Focusing on the good will help you retain your sanity and fight to retain it.

  1. See the Importance of What You Do and Relish It

So, they do not see the importance of what you do. Well, they need an optician and until they get one, be selfish with your foresight. See the importance of what you do, and understand how important you are. your boss may not know it but if you leave the office today, the company will feel it. Your friend may not know it, but if you walk out of their life today, they will be a mess.

See the importance of the fact that for the single reason of your existence in their lives and your workplace, everything is okay. You are the glue that holds it all together – the linchpin.

When you do not get appreciated, simply roll your eyes and say “humans never appreciate the presence of good energy.” A saying goes, “A good person is never respected in his or her village.”

They do not know what they have, but you do. Revel in the knowledge, and never let anything or anyone make you feel lesser.

You are important, very important. They would need to focus to see it. Until then, walk with your shoulders held high.

In addition, Be Confident

Another thing that feeling unappreciated does to you is make you feel small, which makes you lose confidence.

You may think, “if they can’t see all the work I’m doing to make life easier for everyone, then they do not even know that I exist.” Then, you begin to shrink into your shell and avoid conversations and people.

Hey! That is pitiful and pathetic, and it is not you. Ditch that mentality immediately and begin to walk in confidence.

Who said no one sees what you do? Do you not see what you do? Are you counting yourself as unimportant?

Do not shrink, lose your fire, nor lose your confidence. Stand tall, chin up, and shoulders high. Maintain your confidence. Stay on top of your game.

Final Thoughts

Feeling unappreciated is a horrible thing. No one should ever have to feel that way. But as aforementioned, life happens, and humans will always be humans.

People will take you for granted once or twice, and this is why these I listed these 7 ways for you to get out of the pain that comes with feeling unappreciated.

You are worth more than you think you are. If they do not see it, you should.

Source: Lifehack

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GoFundHer: All About The New Crowdfunding Platform Designed To Support Women

Gaining startup capital for a new business can be extremely challenging. Women and minorities are often cut out of lucrative venture capitalist funding, leaving them with few options to accumulate the funds they need to launch their new venture. This woman entrepreneur sought to help other women gain independence with a platform to help fund their dream ventures.

Tracy Garley, founder partner and CEO of GoFundHer, launched a crowdfunding platform for women to convene in a space to receive financial and community support. The Liberian-born entrepreneur worked with crowdfunding owner and founding partner Roger Mensah to make her idea a reality.

“I developed the crowdfunding website and social club as sister companies embracing the causes of girls and women,” Garley wrote in an email interview with BLACK ENTERPRISE.

“To gain users I created City Girls Big Dreams weekly online “Dream Session” events for girls, women, and their supporters to learn about GoFundHer.com while connecting with mentors to develop their goals then collect money online. The Dream Session events are coordinated by interns I mentor in the spring, summer, and fall semesters, as part of an internship program designed for GoFundHer.com to grow the number of women with experience working at technology companies.”

The platform has expanded to more than 150 countries since its launch in 2019. The company also offers direct deposit service for small businesses in over 39 countries including India, Australia, and countries across Europe, with users being allowed to withdraw their money in 24 currencies. The platform allows users to create unlimited fundraising pages with the ability to collect monthly and one-time donations.

“It was important that I provide these opportunities for women around the world because women are still far from achieving social, economic, and political equality. At the current rate of progress, women will have to wait nearly 100 years to close the overall gender gap with men. So I wanted to get started on this very big problem we have in our world,” she added.

“I’ve learned that it’s good to always be willing to help prevent other women from making the same mistakes I made during the early years of my business journey. I know what it feels like to have a dream, but not have the money to fund that dream. This is not a good feeling at all, especially being a girl or woman—some women sell their bodies just to put food on their table. GoFundHer.com is the premium crowdfunding platform that is empowering girls and women to fund their dreams without any obligations or contracts. Real women empowerment starts with enhancing her confidence and bank account.”

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Wunmi Adelusi: Here’s How To Leverage Your Personality For Growth

What is that thing you do effortlessly? What do people keep coming to you for? Which area is your opinion most sought? Are you the go-to person when it comes to party planning/gathering people together/ starting conversation?

For the longest time, I thought and believed my personality could be a hindrance to my career growth. I lived that myth out for a while before I realised that my personality was mine to harness and leverage on. We have allowed the phrase “this is how I am” dictate to us what we can get out of our environment. Well, that ends now!

Research shows that your personality – whatever type that might be – can be your greatest asset if you just understand how to use it to your best advantage.

There are two broad personality types: the extrovert and the introvert.

An extrovert is known to derive his/her energy from being around people. Most times, they are externally stimulated, love talking, and sometimes forget when to stop. They are usually very sociable and can use their natural friendly nature and confidence to create rapport for effective team building.

An introvert, on the flip side, feels drained when surrounded by a lot of people. They love their me-time and their space, they can be reserved, and often not the best talkers. So they get to channel most of their energy into observing their environment, listening, reading, and writing – basically things that allow them express themselves when alone.

Recently, a friend of mine did an Instagram poll that showed that extroverts have more mentors/sponsors than introverts do. Now, I strongly feel the personality is not precisely what holds us back from putting ourselves out there, instead it is the thought of how bad we could be if we try. And my question is, why not?

I have observed that not everyone who has remarkable career growth or visibility is an extrovert. Somehow, these people have just mastered the art over time, and if we don’t, we could hate on these people for a really long time.

So how can you leverage your personality for growth without losing your authenticity?

Self-awareness

You cannot address what you don’t know, so you need to, first, identify your personality. Who are you? How best do you like to express yourself? In fact, a quick way to this is to take a personality test. There are numerous tests out there, a google search would help.

Identify and maximise your strengths

Your strength looks best on you because it is yours. What is that thing you do effortlessly? What do people keep coming to you for? Which area is your opinion most sought? Are you the go-to person when it comes to party planning/gathering people together/ starting conversation?

That is a pointer to what you can forge within your organisation. You could start with showing up for volunteering opportunities. For an introvert like me, it could be doing peer reviews for your colleagues. Don’t let what people say stop you from owning your strength.

Be consistent with your unique selling point

The best way to master an art and get the result is to be consistent. That is how that thing can be your trademark. People who suddenly seem to be known in this age are those who have been consistent with their craft, whether people watched or not.

So when your favourite supervisor is not the one championing that extracurricular activity at work, would you still volunteer? Do you give your best to writing reports to the boss as well as sending a mail to your subordinate?

Being consistent requires discipline – discipline to say ‘no’ or ‘yes’ as occasion demands.

Recognise when to step out of your comfort zone.

Because each personality is most comfortable in its area of strength, we can get lost there, that is why it is crucial to know when to step out of that zone. As an extrovert, you should know when to stop talking and give others the chance to do so.

As an introvert, you should know when to speak up, particularly when you attend meetings. That is when to brace up and say something from your reservoir of knowledge gained from observing, listening, or reading. That’s when to showcase that you understand all that’s been said, even if its just reiterating someone else’s point. Even when it requires you to do more work, no one gets recognised by doing only their job description, be willing to do extra.

How have you been leveraging your personality type in the workplace?

About Wunmi

Wunmi is an experienced finance specialist with outstanding academic and professional achievements. She is a mom of two boys. Currently, she works in the Financial Services Industry. Spurred by the desire to inspire young professionals, she started an online community of millennial employees where she shares relevant information aimed at building, empowering, inspiring, supporting and promoting employees to thrive in their careers.

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Nkem Ndem: Keeping Secrets Could Actually Save Your Relationship

Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.

Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.

Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.

However, withholding information that directly affects or concerns the other individual or omitting any information that reveals the core of your identity, thus keeping your partner from having a complete picture of you (flaws and all) definitely constitutes as keeping a secret.

NKEM SAYS: KEEPING SECRETS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.
Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.
Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.
Continue reading on www.Womenofrubies.com link in bio #Womenofrubies #relationship #secret

Some of these secrets are usually linked to unpleasant topics such as money troubles/finances, job situation, fidelity or issues related to past or present mistakes.

Keeping secrets certainly indicates a lack of certain elements including trust, authenticity, and real intimacy.

However, it appears secrets could also help breed these same elements. I recently hung out with some colleagues, and during our discussions, the topic of keeping secrets in a relationship came up.

One of the guys raised a point that early in a relationship, it can be difficult to know just how much to reveal to the other person and so secrets become necessary to protect the growth of that relationship. He confessed that he had recently been introduced to a girl with whom he had been started dating for just about 1 month. He explained that on their last date, she had asked him how he raised the money to start his business. And rather than telling her it was savings he made from the time he was a yahoo boy, he told her he got financial support from his friends and family.
According to him, he was protecting the relationship as it was still at its blueprint stage and he was not yet comfortable disclosing the sins of his past.

Again, he wanted her to get to know him and fall in love with him for who he really is before sharing all that information with her. His submission was that just as no parent tells a child the whole truth, people in relationships should accept the ongoing need to edit their full reality to ensure trust and intimacy are forged. His situation also suggested that until you reach a certain comfort level, whereby you are both in it for the long haul, you are probably better off keeping a few things under wraps.

Sometimes when we meet someone new, we get drawn into the fantasy world where we believe that we have found “the one” and so we do all we can to build a foundation of trust. We forget the fact that relationships, especially nowadays, are volatile at best, and we turn our personal life into an open book, killing our relationships before it even gets the chance to thrive.

Surely, keeping certain dark secrets and revealing them in small doses and at appropriate times in relationships may be in everyone’s best interest. Chances are that you are not even the only one keeping a secret or two. You may be shocked later on, when you find out what your partner is keeping also under wraps.

Do you agree or not?

Nkem Ndem

About Nkem Ndem

Nkem Ndem V. is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for online writing(web content and blog) and editing, screenwriting, ghost writing, copy proofreading and book reviews. With a degree in Mass Communications, Nkem has been working as a freelance writer since 2011 and has collaborated with several organizations including Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Also, she works part-time as an English language tutor to prep candidates for EDEXCEL IGCSE, TOEFL or IELTS. Check out her Instagram page @kem_dem. Also, she tweets with the handle @ndemv and can be contacted via email: nkemndemv@gmail.com.

Source : Bellanaija

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Social media addiction
In self development By

Wuraola Ademola-Shanu: You Need a Social Media Detox! Yes, You!

If you feel like social media has taken over your life, if it preoccupies your mind, or if you find yourself constantly and habitually reaching for your phone, these might be signs that it’s time for a break.

Technology was meant to serve us. We create things, like social media, to make our lives better so we can have more control over the limited amount of time we have every day. But is social media actually improving our lives? Or have we become slaves to our own creation?

How often do you reach for the phone first thing in the morning and check your Twitter notifications? How often when you’re on vacation are you more concerned about taking the perfect Instagram picture than enjoying yourself? How often are you locked in an internet argument on Facebook? A social media detox gives us a bit of clarity into this.

The amount of mental energy we give our phones, specifically social media, could be put to much better use.

Social media, in its inception, was harmless fun. Now, it has evolved to be part of our daily lives. It’s how we consume most of our information, and it influences everything from elections to public discourse.

But social media is not real life. As much influence, or seeming influence, it has, it’s a curated and selective sample of what’s actually going on in the world.

What Is a Social Media Detox?

A social media detox is a conscious elimination of social media use and consumption for a set period of time. Generally, most social media detoxes are 30 days, but some people do 7 days or even a year-long social media detox.

Why Take a Social Media Detox?

If you’re here or you’ve been thinking about taking some time off of social media, you should probably do it, and that should be reason enough.

If you feel like social media has taken over your life, if it preoccupies your mind, or if you find yourself constantly and habitually reaching for your phone, these might be signs that it’s time for a break.

How to Do a Proper Social Media Detox

Tell people

The first step to taking a social media detox is to tell people.

Tell people you interact the most with that you’ll be offline for a while. This will do a few things.

First, it will keep you accountable. If you’re back within a few days Tweeting or posting photos, the people you told will hopefully call you out on it. This will help you stick with the detox.

Secondly, it will let people know you haven’t disappeared if you wind up sticking with it. Most people won’t really care, and some may not even notice (don’t take it personally!).

Delete the apps and block the websites

The next step is to delete the social media apps from your mobile devices, especially your phone. This step is required. I can almost guarantee you that you will not succeed if you keep the apps on your phone during the detox, or you try to rationalize to yourself that you’ll only check them once a week.

For this to work, you’ll need to disconnect completely. If that seems too hard (or even impossible), try a shorter detox.

You may also want to install an app or tool on your computer that can block out social media websites for you.

Plan what you will do during your detox

The last step is to plan what you will do during your detox and actually fill your time with the things you plan to do.

You may wind up surprised at how much time you’ll find during the day that you otherwise would have occupied with your social media habit.

If possible, try to replace your social media habit with something that doesn’t involve technology. I suggest this because using your phone or laptop to replace a digital habit isn’t really productive.

Some suggestions include:

  • Reading
  • Spending time with friends and family
  • Learning something new (language, hobby, skill)
  • Working on a side project or business
  • Exercising, gym, yoga
  • Meditating and practising mindfulness

But if you need to replace your digital habit with a more productive digital habit, here are a few suggestions:

  • Download Kindle on your phone and read books during downtime/boredom instead of looking at social media
  • Listen to podcasts or audiobooks
  • Write
  • Take an online course
  • You can sneak in some bingeing on Netflix.

Benefits of A Social Media Detox

It breaks the social comparison cycle

For example, if everyone you know is getting married and having babies but you’re still single, you may end up feeling isolated and lonely. This can even lead to serious depression for some people. Break away from this unhealthy cycle by taking a break from social media so that you can reconnect with all of the awesome things in your life.

You’ll stop feeling competitive

Even if you aren’t aware of it, social media brings out your competitive side. Each reaction and comment is a measure of how popular a particular post is, which can make you strive to outdo others and even yourself.

This type of competitiveness is not healthy, and it can cause anxiety and depression. Take a mental health break by stepping away from social media for a while!

It’ll improve your overall mood

The amount of time you spend on these sites is directly related to whether or not you feel stressed out or happy.

In other words, if you’ve been feeling highly anxious, stressed out or depressed, this is a good time to take a social media detox. It may feel weird at first, but your overall mood should begin to improve as you stay away from Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites.

You’ll reconnect with the real world

Sadly, people who spend a lot of time on social media sites report feeling lonely and isolated in real life. They are also more likely to suffer from a weakened immune system.

The good news is that even if you’re an introvert and uncomfortable with a lot of in-person interaction, you can boost your mood by simply going out in public. Take yourself to your favourite park or restaurant if you prefer to be alone. You could even go to a movie or concert.

You’ll stop obsessing over your past

Leaving social media behind for a while can give you the space you need to stop obsessing and actually move on with your life. Make sure that when you do return to social media that you take the extra step of blocking exes or anyone else who it pains you to see online. You can also tweak your Facebook memories to remove certain items so that you stop being reminded of them.

The first step to a successful social media detox is merely trying it. Even if you’re hesitant or unsure if you can do it, try it for a weekend. See how you feel after 2 or 3 consecutive days of being off of social media.

Like how you feel? Try a week and slowly progress to a full month.

About Wuraola

Wuraola Ademola-Shanu is a copywriter, content creator and content strategist who help professionals, consultants and business owners align their stories with their ideal clients, refine their sales funnels and expand their online reputations. She is also a proofreader. You can connect with her via her IG page @thecopywritingchic

Content source: Bellanaija

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Everything You Need To Know About The Murder of Olamide Alli

On June 22nd Nigerians woke up to the news of the gruesome murder of Girl Child advocate and social entrepreneur Olamide Alli, who was killed by the father of her kids.

Olamide up until her death was very passionate about issues affecting the girl child, and used her Pearl Academy Platform to create awareness and advocate for them. A shining star who wanted to change the world.

The initial news that was sold to the media as motive behind her murder was Infidelity, and questions surrounding the paternity of her second child. It was later discovered that the news was an attempt to throw in the victim card for the deceased husband who also killed himself after murdering his wife-to-be.

A Facebook user who claimed to be an Insider shared her side of the story below;

To set the records straight, the Late Olamide didn’t have a child outside her relationship, the so called Femi who his real name is Chris Ndukwe, a serial killer that kills his lovers escaped from Phc where he tried to kill his ex who he threw down a two storey building some years back but fortunately the babe survived and has been relocated to Canada by her family. He happened to lie to Olamide she met him and fell in love in her second year, had a child for him then when she finished school a second one came.

Her parents are like you guys are in love why not tie the knot and wedding was fixed for next month. Olamide lives with her parents. The so called Femi asked her to come and visit with the kids. Olamide went with her nanny not her sister like the blogs reported. On Sunday he sent his security man around 10 to get him tape which the guy did. In the evening he asked Olamide to come join him in the room, he was almost drowning a bottle of Hennessy XO, he put on music very loud and tied her to the chair and taped her mouth, used a plier to remove her braids one after the other, then he plucked her eyes, stabbed her 11 times before she died, he then drank two bottles of sniper and killed himself.

The knife he used, found at the crime scene

The nanny came knocking on the door and no response she went to call on their neighbor who called the estate security they came in and called no response they called the Mobile police in the estate to come they broke the door and saw the horrible sight.

Now this so called Femi moved into that house 3weeks ago as he was planning to settle down with her. To set the records straight a paternity test is being carried out by her parents. Because the said kids all look like their dad but her parents want to set the records straight. Femi’s family have been alerted and they are on their way from Enugu today. I wonder why blogs won’t verify news before they publish. This gist is first hand from Olamide’s family.

May her gentle sweet soul rest in perfect peace. So this guy is mentally sick and this is not the first time he has attempted to kill his lover. He isn’t alive to testify, that’s quite unfortunate. This guy is a serial killer, we need to be alert now the days are evil. A lot of danger lies ahead for so many, so many people are bipolar and mentally sick. Always investigate people before delving into a relationship, times have changed seriously now. Let’s all trade cautiously.Shalom.
Adaeze ©” .

Social Entrepreneur Ife Durosinmi Etti ,who was also close to Olamide while she was alive, have set up a Trust fund that will be monitored by First Bank Trust Fund, to raise funds for the 2 kids the couple left behind.

Rubies Ink Initiative for Women and Children, and it’s projects @womenofrubies and @walkagainstrape will also be donating to the trust fund, and we hope you do same too.

Here is the donation link; https://dashboard.flutterwave.com/donate/se8ahuslz2yn

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Esther - Women of Rubies
In self development By

Esther Ijewere:15 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Two days ago Girl child advocate Olamide Alli was gruesomely murdered by the father of her kids, he plucked out her eyes, took out her braids with pliers and stabbed her 11 times, then killed himself afterwards.

The relationship which was started when she was 17 years old was described as toxic and controlling by many who knew the couple when they were alive.

Many women have been programmed to endure abusive relationships, an age long tradition of keeping face and suffering and smiling that make many women redundant or send them to their early grave.

However, Domestic Violence is a two way traffic, as men also suffer violence in relationships, but ego and societal perception of being seen as weak make them endure.

Three years ago there was a popular case of a lawyer who stabbed her husband thrice in the back and several times on his private part. Some tagged it a crime of passion while some women came to her defense , but I won’t support such irresponsible act, just because the culprit has the “W” tag. No justification for violence of any kind!!!!

Man or Woman no one deserves to die in such a way.

We nee to continue advocating for the rule of “Walking Away”, and stop telling people to manage abusive relationships, you are saving them from being killed or stopping them from killing out of psychological torture.

Abusive  relationships are unfortunately very common. They come in forms of physical abuse and emotional abuse, in which both are equally as devastating.

Most are just pushed under the rug, in hopes their partners will change, out of fear of their partner, thinking it is just a momentary reaction or thinking it is completely normal. Abusive relationships are definitely unhealthy, and should not be continued. An abusive partner normally will never change, no matter how much they claim they are going to.

Here are signs you are in an abusive relationship and why you need to walk away ;

  1. Being treated as a property or sexual object

2.Others see the abuser as a very nice person and the abuser acts very pleasant and loving between acts of violence

  1. Denying the seriousness of the violence and /or blaming it on circumstances like stress, anger, partners behaviour, drugs, alcohol or other reasons

4. Constant jealousy , calls and/or surprise visits.

5. Controlling and/or treating you like a child such as interrogating intensely, tracking location, having to ask permission to go places or try new things, keeping all the money, and asking for receipts and proof of what you’ve been up to

6. Unrealistic expectations of perfect behavior and treatment

7. Isolation from family, friends, cars, phones, jobs, and/or the public

8. Name calling, degrading, and/or humiliating

  1. Manipulating your emotions and making you feel like you’re the problem

10. Easily insulted, angered, or saddened

11. Feeling fear, nervous, unsafe, trapped, or hopeless

12. Forceful sex

13. Blaming others for mistakes

  1. Arguing constantly and quickly.

Feel free to add other signs you know, remember nothing is worth losing your life/or going to jail for.

Walking away cost you nothing , just tell your legs to receive common sense before your hands get you in trouble.

 

“Esther is an activist, Writer, Columnist, Author and editor-in-chief & founder -Women of Rubies. She is passionate about issues that affect women and children. 

Facebook: Esther Ijewere

Twitter & IG : @Estherijewere

LinkedIn: Esther Ijewere

Email: admin@womenofrubies.com

 

 

 

 

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Tale Alimi: 5 Tips To Business Growth

One of the most common desires I hear from business owners is that they want to grow their business. They are tired of going round in circles or things being stagnant for a long time. For some, growth means increasing their business revenue, for others, growth means opening new branches or increasing their customer base. I have noticed that growth is harder for businesses that have achieved some amount of success and have coasted in a certain level for a while. The reason this is the case is that they do not want to change a winning formula or rock the boat.

The fast pace of technology development has rendered a lot of formerly successful products obsolete; from typewriter’s to fax machine, to the cassette player and even to the floppy disk(remember those?). Most of these companies achieved a level of success and stayed there. They were not willing to step out of their comfort zone and make the required changes that would lead to growth and other more agile players took over their market share with new products. Albert Einstein defines Insanity as ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result’.
As a business owner or if you are part of a business that needs to grow or go to the next level, you need to step out of your comfort zone. You can start with baby steps and then take bigger steps with time. Here are a few tips on stepping out:

Take risks
This is a scary concept for a lot of us because by the very meaning of the word ‘risk’ it signifies uncertainty. It connotes that the outcome is unpredictable and can either have a positive or negative impact. I am an advocate for taking calculated risk and putting your leg in the water gradually and this is a necessary step to grow in business. This could mean introducing a new service or product to a small segment of your customers and testing the response before scaling it up.

Learn new things
Knowledge always fuels growth and most successful people are committed to continuous learning and improvement. Don’t only learn about things that are happening in your industry, learn from other abstract or unrelated things and you would be surprised where inspiration would come from. One of the ways I get inspiration is by watching cartoons with my son; the amazing characters that Disney and Pixar create seem to always have a message for me about life and business.

Explore
This is an extension of learning new things. It is looking at new ways to do the things you usually do. I met a lady some time ago who has built a successful business around sugar free cakes because she decided to explore a way to bake cakes that people could enjoy without packing on the calories. So my advice is look at your current process, product and services and find new ways of doing things.

Fail forward
Failure is a word that has a negative connotation to a lot of us, but I have learnt that failure is a perspective and true success cannot be achieved without some failure. I like John Maxwell’s advice to fail forward; which means let every failure be a learning experience that would move you forward. A famous quote by Robert F. Kennedy is: ‘it is only those who dare to fail greatly that can achieve greatly’. So instead of letting the fear of failure hinder us from moving forward, the goal should be to learn from our failures and grow through them.

Find your genius
I believe everyone has an inner genius and your inner genius is unleashed at the point where you let go of inhibitions and fear and embrace your true creativity. We always refer to some people as ‘geniuses’, but the truth is that everyone is capable of being a genius at something – if they are willing to hone their skills and put in the necessary work required to create genius standard.
You need to step out if you want to grow and this can only happen when the discomfort of being stagnant overshadows the fear of stepping out. I would like to also recommend this article: 3 success habits that changed my life to provide more inspiration.

About Tale Alimi
‘Tale Alimi is the CEO of Tale Alimi Global; a premium business coaching and strategy consulting boutique focused on helping progressive and forward thinking SME’s take their business from small to scale. She is the author of Uplevel-find your niche, share your story, build your tribe and profit from your passion(www.talealimi.com/uplevelbook). She has a Masters in Business Administration from Lagos business school, a certificate in personal coaching from the coaching academy UK. Visit her website to learn more:( talealimi.com.com). Get daily business inspiration when you follow her on twitter (http://twitter.com/talealimi) and Instagram(https://www.instagram.com/talealimi).

 

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