Women of Rubies
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You Are Not Your Mood

Humans are always in a mood. Moods are the background tone of our lives, but we easily forget that we are in a mood and, instead, we believe we are our moods and that our moods are fixed and will never change.

From there, we tend to fall into “why bother?” procrastination, putting others first, and overwhelm.

BUT when we remember that our moods are malleable, changeable, that we can always change our mood at least a little, we stop waiting to feel like it.

We remember: action changes mood.

Simply remembering our moods are not us, and not fixed, can get you off the couch and out the door for your walk or your other activity that needs to be done.

And sometimes you need a bit more help.

I understand that people struggle with depression and anxiety, and so I am not suggesting that because moods are malleable we can change how we feel “presto!” But rather this is another tool to play with to give us relief and wiggle room.

Here is what you can do to work with your mood:

  1. Welcome what you are feeling. If you woke up in the morning feeling like you don’t want to leave the bed or get anything done, take a deep breath and acknowledge your mood.
    Pay attention to how you feel and welcome it rather than try to pretend it doesn’t exist.
    Remind yourself of the times you have pulled through and gotten things done. See yourself doing the things you want to do.
  2. Connect with what you care about: Think about that thing you really care about and want to do. It can be taking a walk, going for a run or completing a project.
  3. Then ask yourself, “What mood would I like to cultivate so I can feel okay today?” This simple question, if answered truthfully, will shift your posture, expand your breathing and help you see the many choices you have at the moment.

Your mood is a background that you can always bring to the foreground. In doing so, possibilities can open up.

You can shift your mood with movement, dance, a wonder walk, yogic breathing techniques, journaling your worries and fears, taking one small action step, but first you have to remember:

You are not your mood.
Your mood will change no matter how bad it is right now.
(It may have changed a tiny bit reading this!)
You do not have to wait to “feel” like it to take action on your desires, just a small step will help.
You can handle this day.

Be gentle with yourself. Play with your mood if that appeals to you.
Either way, remember you’re not your mood!

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6 Ways To Stay Focused At Work When Distractions Are Inevitable

With the help of social media and our narrow attention spans, we’re all guilty of having one too many opened tabs on our internet browser and sitting at a spot all day can really put our concentration skills to the test.

So, the big question is, what is causing these distractions and how can we stay focused when they’re inevitable?

While some of the most common workplace distractions include coworkers dropping by, office noise, meetings, email, the internet, and social media, you don’t need an expert to tell you that staying focused and productive is one of the most difficult challenges employees face in the workplace. But what a productivity expert can tell you is how to break up your workday with different action plans to avoid these interruptions from impeding your productivity.

Check out simple ways to stay focused at work.

  1. Figure out your peak productive hours. Breaking up your workday depends on two things: your peak productivity hours and the typical ebbs and flows in your particular work environment. If you are most productive in the morning—most people are before lunch—then it’s important not to schedule a lot of meetings [during that time]. Schedule those cerebral, creative tasks during the time where you’re most focused and energetic. Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all scheduling formula that will work for everyone.
  2. Create designated time slots for email.

If we don’t intentionally determine when we’re going to process our email, then we might feel like we have to do it all the time. We’ll always have it open on our ancillary computer screens. Or, we’ll feel like we need to check it every time there’s a break in a task. To counteract this urge to be at your emails beck and call, give yourself three to four time slots a day to respond: Early in the morning, right before lunch, later in the afternoon, and possibly add another one when appropriate. During these processing periods, you can either quickly reply or add the task to your to-do list with progress dates. It’s incredibly distracting to manage these tasks mentally. Delegating the task of remembering stuff to your to-do list is a key way to free up your mind and allow you to focus on the things that are most important to make progress on. 

3.  Use the “take ten, give five” rule.

We’re not the only ones who are distracting ourselves. You’ve probably been in a situation where your co-worker comes to your desk and says, “Got a minute?” about 50% of our distractions are caused by other people, which is why you should “take ten, give five.”

If someone [approaches or calls you], take ten seconds to scratch out a note of what you were doing or highlight the sentence you were writing on the screen or put a post-it note on your desk. Those ten seconds may feel like an eternity but it’ll be worth it when you jump back into your task with much-needed clarity. Then, you’d ask the person who swung by or called if they need more than five minutes with you. If so, explain that you may want to schedule a time to talk or save it for lunch. Gratias also explains that if your office is particularly noisy and distracting, find an “escape room” or request to work from home once a week.

4.  Be diligent about scheduling meetings.

Meetings shouldn’t be scheduled longer than necessary. If you plan your meeting, [try to] get it done in 45 minutes or less. And if a meeting takes six minutes, book six minutes, not 30. People few and far between actually share their calendar with each other, but it’s a game-changer and time-saver for both parties when you’re trying to schedule a meeting. I hate going back and forth to plan meetings with friends or co-workers. When my calendar is shared [with them], then my free time shows up and that time can be booked, simple as that!
Audit your calendar to see if you’re spending your time in the right meetings. Decline further participation, delegate attendance to someone else, or even suggest shortening the meeting, if it’s appropriate.

5. Use a time cube to stay on track.

Before anything else, make sure that you’ve scheduled desk time to complete tasks so your calendar doesn’t just get filled up with other people’s meetings. Have your key priorities written down the evening before. Using a “time cube” to stay on track can ensure that you’re blocking out time in one hour or less intervals. It minimizes distractions and allows for you to complete high-priority tasks in a timely manner. You can keep it at your desk, and bring it into brainstorm meetings to ensure everyone is productive and has insightful ideas to contribute to the conversation.

6.  Turn off all notifications—yes, even email.

A task list doesn’t just free your time, it stops you from wasting it on tempting interruptions when there’s a pause in your workflow. When we are transitioning from one task to another, that’s a key distraction point. The temptation of that transition is to get on Instagram or Facebook and go down a social media rat hole.

Instead of asking yourself what to do next, your task list will tell you what to work on. Another necessary way to say focused is to turn off all app notifications, especially email. It’s transformative if you can overcome your hesitancy that you’re not going to be immediately responsive to every bing, bong, and buzz that comes in.

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How to deal with life’s milestones

No matter how much we try to control our timelines, life is unpredictable. As adults, we know this—yet, oftentimes, we choose to cling on to this age-old idea that there’s somehow a “right” time to achieve our goals. We believe that if we plan it out just so, we’ll be able to find love, get married, have a child, buy a house, and excel in our career within an anticipated timeframe.

Society tells us that if we don’t check these boxes by age 30, we’re behind. And when unpredictability steps in (hiiii, COVID-19), and that timeline changes, we’re left with anxiety, guilt, and dread about how we’ll get it all done.

A global pandemic is not the kind of thing you can plan for, but it certainly makes envisioning a carefully planned future more difficult.

Before you beat yourself up for being a planner: humans naturally seek purpose and meaning in life. When we have milestones to look forward to, they become markers that tend to add meaning and a tempo to life. Without important milestones, life could become a blur of unimportant or ordinary occurrences.

Our expectations don’t always meet our reality, yet these self-imposed timelines remain rigid in our brains. If we don’t achieve them according to our own or others’ expectations, stress and anxiety can arise. When this occurs, the milestone can turn from a positive marker or goal into a source of negativity and distress.

If these goals are perceived as aspiration, things you genuinely want to achieve because you truly desire them (and do not view them as a requirement in life), you’ll be positively motivated to achieve them. However, if those goals start to be viewed as a measure of self-worth, your motivation to achieve it will be distress-driven.

When life doesn’t go as planned, we often berate and negatively judge ourselves for the lack of achievement. The resulting feelings can be of inadequacy, depression, guilt, anger, or even resentfulness.

The worst thing we do when things don’t go according to plan is to think, ‘There must be something wrong with me.’ That’s when the anxiety and self-doubt set in, which are both detrimental to our confidence and mental well-being.

If you’re feeling anxious about the timeline you’ve set for yourself, take a good look at where that motivation comes from. Is it self-imposed pressure? Are your friends or family placing stress on you? Is there an idea that society will judge you if you don’t hit a certain milestone?

Whenever we’re living our lives to get some sort of external validation, we’re going to set ourselves up for anxiety.

This isn’t shocking, considering that a quick scroll through social media will bring up dozens of photos of new engagements, weddings, babies, and career advancements from friends and acquaintances that can quickly make us question ourselves and our achievements. The cycle of self-doubt is easy to get caught up in, especially if we’re not willing to recognize why we’re putting these parameters for our lives in place.
Insecure thoughts about what it will mean if these boxes are not checked prevent us from making these important, potentially life-changing decisions with a clear mind.

The emotionally healthy perspective is to set goals based on the clarity of what you want versus what you should or have to achieve and then work toward them. If they’re not achieved “on time” (or at all), recognize that the only thing that has happened is that you didn’t reach that goal. And that’s it.

Instead of trying to control things that are often out of your control (an approach that will only make you feel helpless), reframe these ideas internally and take a good look at what they mean to you.

For instance, why are you placing pressure on your partner to propose? Is it because that is something you genuinely want, or is it because it’s been three years and everyone is asking when it’s going to happen?

You can use these steps to reframe your thoughts about life’s timelines:

  1. Acknowledge that the anxiety is there. It’s empowering to take your deepest feelings into account. Once you know that you may be struggling with anxiety around these issues, you’ll be in a better place to tackle them.
  2. Ask yourself, “If this happens, then what?” and recognize the insecure thoughts that may arise. You may think “If I’m not in a serious relationship by the time I’m 30, it’s because I’m not worthy of love.”
    It is important to pay attention to the ways you might be talking down to yourself, and then ask yourself: “How is this a productive thought?”
  3. Get comfortable with the gray area. Not everything in life needs to be so black and white. An all-or-nothing mindset is a recipe for disaster. Instead, strive to be more comfortable in the gray area. You may want to hit those checkpoints or milestones, but you don’t necessarily have to place a timeline on them. Find a balance between what you want and what you need.
  4. Talk to yourself like you’re advising a friend. We’re often much gentler with our friends than we are with ourselves, so take some of those encouraging words and give them to yourself. If a friend came to you with a concern about not meeting her expectations for life by a certain age, you’d likely be kind and encouraging, focusing on the goals she has achieved and telling her not to be so hard on herself. Lots of things can happen that may disrupt your goals and the timelines you envisioned for them, but at the end of the day, you deserve to be a little kinder to yourself.
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How do I believe in myself?

Believing in yourself and in your abilities is one of the best things you can do to yourself, for your own sake. 

There’s so much you can be, do and achieve when you believe in yourself and in your abilities.

Believing in one’s self is a hard task for many and if you fall under that category, read on. This is for you.

How do you believe in yourself?

You realize it’s a choice. Your choice.

You revoke permission from anyone who tries to oppress you, drain you, demean or diss you.

You direct your attention toward what you want to do and how you wish to be vs. letting your attention swing wherever your mind or the internet wishes to take it.

You realize when you do something and then exclaim, “I can’t believe I did that again!!” or “How am I here yet again??” it is not cause to doubt yourself but rather a chance to say, “I’m alive, I’m human, and I get to try again.”

You educate yourself that your brain evolved to comment on your actions as a way to keep you safe, and these comments are not the arbiter of truth about you or anyone else. They are simply a by-product of evolution. You treat this voice accordingly: it keeps you out of the way of runaway trains and tigers, but it doesn’t determine what you believe about yourself.

You understand there isn’t a there-there when it comes to your self. Nothing about us is fixed. You can relax with this truth that we are each an ever-shifting range of thoughts, sensations, and feelings and we are therefore free to witness this shifting self with love, curiosity, and compassion.

Speaking of compassion, you get that compassion is your number one belief-in-yourself move. Your daily go to practice. You understand compassion doesn’t mean collapse or hiding or giving up but meeting yourself where you are.

You allow others to see you – in your relationships, in your creative work, in your glory, in your mess – because you accept your warts, dents, and wounds AND your brilliance, beauty, and goodness as much as you do everyone else’s.

You make commitments to yourself that you’re competent to keep and you keep them. When you don’t or can’t, you don’t hide from this fact. Or try to get away with anything. You seek to understand why and you begin again.

You realize living with congruence and integrity are your only way forward.

You embrace what a glorious mystery you are.

Finally, you realize, as often as needed, it’s a choice. Your choice.

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Stop Waiting for the Universe to give you Permission… Just Start!

I love synchronicity and coincidences and feeling like I’m on the right path as much as the next person.

I know when I am pushing and need to back off, take a break, wait for my mind to calm down and for my next steps to show up.

I believe there is so much more than we can see or know at work in the world. I mean, think about it, our very brains are mostly a mystery to us!

But in the midst of it all, there’s a whole lot of women who seem stuck on the next thing to do. On the next step to take. On the right path to follow. They seem to be waiting for the universe to explicitly tell them what’s the next thing to do.
They say things like:

– I am waiting for the right time.
– I am waiting for a sign.
– I feel like I have to start my business because it came to me in a dream even though the whole thing makes me exhausted and I can’t get any traction.
– I am doing this because I think the universe is sending these thoughts to me.

But in all of these, there is only one question:

what is it that you really want?

We hide our abilities and power behind the “universe”. We excuse our inabilities and mask our insecurities under the guise of “waiting for the universe to give us permission to act rather than taking responsibilities and acting based on the knowledge we have of our values, wants and desires.

Toni Morrison wrote,

“To get to a place where you could love anything you chose, not to need permission for desire, well now that was freedom.”

Of course, when we do that, when we stop seeking permission to desire, there is a risk it won’t work. We’ll get our hearts broken, we will fail, or be hurt. And that’s exactly why I believe we sometimes default to waiting for the universe to tell us what to do.

We avoid the risk but we may also miss out on the growth that comes from choosing.

We can end up drifting through our lives with nobody at the rudder.

I’m not saying it’s all about our ego-bound desires. We want to listen to what feels bigger, wilder, and truer, not just what we have scripted (or that was scripted for us), but that happens, I believe, through an active mature spiritual discipline, practiced with a trusted mentor or spiritual director or within a community. We need checks and balances.

So in the end, it is not all about what we listen to, but how we approach listening and what we do with what we hear.

So, what are you doing with all the thoughts the universe is sending to you?
When are you going to act on those desires that keep you up at night?
When are you going to start acting on those plans you’ve been on?

It doesn’t have to be perfect in the beginning.

Just start!

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How to Know What You Want When Life Feels Like a Grind

A lot of people, including you, most times, do not understand the cost of ignoring, judging, denying, or putting off enjoying your desires. If you’re like most people, you don’t even know how to know what you want.

That’s because you don’t know–or perhaps believe–that giving space and expression to your desires fills your entire life with energy, joy, and meaning.

You don’t believe dancing in the morning in the kitchen or telling your partner what you’re yearning for or updating your journal page before bed matters.

You learned to judge what you want because you don’t meet some arbitrary societal standard that makes it worth pursuing.

For example, if you want to write, you must become a best-selling author or win a Booker prize or else, why bother?

Or you learned to deny what you want because it didn’t put food on the table, make someone’s life better, or get you a promotion. This is why you don’t know how to know what you want.

Perhaps you learned it is safer to keep putting your desires off until you are ready and know enough instead of asking, “What more do I need to know to feel the pulse of desire animating me right now?”

The consequences?

Wilting.

Comparison.

Lack of boundaries.

Afraid to stand up for yourself.

Crappy self-care.

Envy.

Your dreams seem impossible.

Everybody else can have what they want but you.

Relentless pushing, doing, accomplishing but for what?

Depression.

Can we agree there is a steep cost of denying and ignoring what you want? That you don’t even know how to know what you want?

Are you pissed at me for pointing this out?  Are you stirred up? Do you feel ready for a nap? Or are you saying, “do you realize what my life is like? How impossible it is to make time for what I want?”

While I will never, ever tell you it’s all up to you or that the obstacles you face aren’t real and frustrating and often terribly unjust, I won’t ever tell that societal support doesn’t matter to your well-being, still, I believe that even in the harshest conditions, we can touch our desires. Make space for them. Allow them to enliven us.

With practice, with community, It does become easier. Fear, constriction, and putting off and turning away from what you want, happens less and less.

Please, for just this week, notice where you override, belittle, ignore, turn away from, give up on your desires, put off, what you want. Where you forgo, wait, or judge.

Do not (please!) try to do anything differently. Stay away from plans or trying to change.

Instead, with compassionate curiosity, notice your thoughts about what you want. Notice your habits. Notice what substitute desires you settle for. Notice what you believe about enjoying more of what you really want–what’s okay, what’s not.

If you like, jot down a few notes in your journal or on your phone.

Notice, without overindulging in self-judgment.

You may be amazed at what you discover.

This is how you will eventually discover how to know what you want.

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How To Ask For What You Want

Societal conditioning, being mansplained and interrupted, being labeled a selfish bitch, sure that’s part of the reason it can be hard for us to speak up and ask for what we want as women and…

…there is also the fear of naming what you want, of taking it seriously.

Asking for what you want means ignoring societal conditioning, not minding what people will say, being bold enough to acknowledge and declare that your desires are worth paying attention to, regardless.

When is the last time you asked for what you wanted without waiting until everybody else got what they wanted first?

When was the last time you asked your colleague, “I want to see a doctor tomorrow could you please help me complete this task while I am away?” Instead of, “Do you think maybe, if it’s okay with you, and it’s not too much, you could help me complete this task while I see a doctor?”

Or you start to have sex with your partner and he asks you what you’re in the mood for and you say, “Whatever you want,” but you really have something very specific in mind?

Or you’ve decided to go back to school but you know that means changing things up in the family, who does childcare /cooking /cleaning but you keep putting off talking to your spouse, instead you make passive slightly aggressive jabs about who does the most.

Or maybe you are superb at asking for what you want at work but not so much for your creative life or your health.
We all have areas of our lives where owning our desires and power is more comfortable.

what if we expand our range of asking?

What if we start asking clearly and boldly for what we want?

Even if it makes us stutter. Blush. Stumble.

We can slow down and remind ourselves no one is going to die if we make our wants clear.

We can take the time to get the other person’s attention.

We can practice making sure we are asking, not demanding, reminding ourselves they can say no, they can make a different suggestion, and that doesn’t negate our desires or mean we can’t get support in another way.

Let us stretch to let ourselves know what we want, and then own it in front of someone we trust.

Every time we do this, we feel so much more alive. Like Oprah, Kamala Harris and Michelle Obama combined.

From whom could you make one clear bold request today?

Clear requests save time, they save heartache, they cut down on confusion, but most of all, they say “My desires matter!”

From whom could you make one clear bold request today?

What is stopping you?

Why are you holding back?

What is the worst that can happen?

Take that bold step and ask for what you want TODAY!

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#RubyGIRL”| Volunteering Has Taught Me To Be Kind And Compassionate- Oluwatoyin Olayemi

Oluwatoyin Olayemi holds a Bachelor’s degree in Library and Information Science from Delta State University, Abraka. A Fashion Designer(unisex clothing),An experienced, Competent and Passionate Teen Coach and Child Safety Advocate trained by Piece of My Heart Foundation.

She is currently the program manager at Piece Of My Heart Foundation (POMHF)

Driven by love for change, humanity, helping teenagers live a healthy and purposeful life, Oluwatoyin Volunteers with POMHF to coach teens.

Oluwatoyin is keen at helping to achieve Sustainable Development Goal (SDG) 4&5 by helping Women and children understand the concept of sex education, seeing that children have a healthy and safe upbringing void of abuse via sensitization_

Oluwatoyin has a platform @chatwith_toyin where she reach out to teenage girls in her community.

She was the president of her fellowship during her undergraduate days also the NCCF Kwara State Sisters Cord while serving her father’s land.

She is a Yali Member, a Public Speaker, a passionate youth advocate and a serial Volunteer with years of experience.

She shares her “Ruby Girl” story with the team .

1. Let’s meet you. Who is Oluwatoyin Olayemi?

Oluwatoyin Olayemi is the 4th child from the family of seven parent inclusive.
I’m a graduate of Library and Information Science from Delta State University..
Oluwatoyin is a passionate lover of Jesus Christ, a change maker, a hope giver, a teen coach and a fashion designer.
She lives because Christ lives in her.
I am the programs manager @piece of my heart foundation, I have a platform where I reach out to teens @chatwith_toyin and I’m also a co founder of Rhakel’s couture.

2. What inspired you to study Library and Information Science ?

Hmmm, inspiration ke? Well, I studied LIS because I didn’t have any choice.
I did Pre Degree, I was admitted to study Geography and Regional Planning but I didn’t have Geography in Waec so I was transferred to LIS which is the second option for social science students who enrolled for pre degree. That was how I became a Library student.

3. As a volunteer, what has it taught you.

Volunteering has taught me to be kind and compassionate, to love more and to appreciate God more for who and where I am. Volunteering has also helped me to appreciate the gift of men.. People! We can’t do without people in our lives

4. What is the greatest challenge for young entrepreneurs in Nigeria?

As a young entrepreneur, there are so many challenges we face in Nigeria. Some of the perceived challenges include lack of information on what entrepreneurship entails , taxation and regulatory issues, limited understanding of market structure and lack of proper mentorship amidst others.

 

5. Why did you become a teens coach?

Being a teens coach was birthed from the desire to see young people tread on the right path. To lend an helping hand through the journey of teenagehood.

For me, I had no one to put me through life, I figured life out myself with the help of God.
My former boss said he graduated at 19 because he got it right on time. He had a mentor that helped him through his journey early enough.

6. What are the challenges you encountered as a teens coach and child safety advocate?

Some teenagers are hard to help, they feel they know everything and don’t like people intruding into their life’s affairs. So, you have to be very strategic to help the ‘I know it all’ teenagers.

Another challenge is that parents feel they know all too. For example, I am not married and don’t have my own kids yet, because of this some parents will be like ‘what do you know about children’? Go and give birth to your own first before you talk to us.
Most of these parents aren’t willing to come out of their ignorance.

3. Finance: Sometimes I wish to reach out to young girls in the slum but I don’t have enough resources to make my desire a reality.

4. The right against women and children should be well preserved by the Government and perpetrators should be brought to book irrespective.

7. There is a decline of Library usage by students, as a Library graduate what do you think is the way out?

We Nigerians don’t like to read, we aren’t even familiar with the library.
The only way out is for parents to imbibe a good reading culture in their children.
Thereby reading won’t be a challenge when they are grown.

Secondly, the Government should establish more libraries in all cities and make them very conducive for learning. This will help increase our appetite for reading.

Thirdly, they should make it free. I wanted to visit the Museum recently and I was asked to pay a sum of N300. That’s not encouraging.

 

 

8. What was growing up in a Nigerian home like for you? Did it in anyway contribute to everything you do now?

Beautiful question. Growing up for me was not fun. I played though but I went through a lot.
I battled with self esteem for a long time, I was a slow child and wasn’t doing well academically.

I had so much battles that I can’t even state here.

I didn’t have any body to put me through life which led to my desire to help young ones.

 

9. If you were to be the President of Nigeria for a day, what would you change?

1. Projects and Programs on a paradigm shift in mindset.. This country can only be better when we have the right mindset towards life.

2. Our Educational System

3. There should be a market price policy whereby no individual can just wake up to inflate the prices of goods and services.. Nothing should be monopolized.

4. Equal right to life. Ensuring that the human right is preserved.

5. Electricity

10. Mention 3 women who inspire you and why?

There are so many wonderful women in my life but I will mention just 3 as requested.

1. My mom. The super industrious and super amazing woman. A business woman per excellence. Very meticulous and accountable.

2.DDK… Debola Deji Kurumi is one woman that inspires me so much. How she balance her ministry, family and organization so well amazes me.

3. Adebara Adebimpe. Her passion, her resilient spirit, her commitment is second to none.

11. Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

I see myself ministered to over 5000 teenagers. I see myself taking Rhakel’s Couture to the next level and I also see myself doing whatever He (God) says I should do.

12. How do you juggle being a teens coach, child safety advocate and running a fashion house?

For now there is no much juggling because I’m just coming up. Taking things one step at a time.

13. If you were allowed to address a group of young females five years younger than you, what will be your advice to them?

This is the best time to marry yourself and birth the best out of you. You are enough with God on your side.

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8 Simple Ways to Get Your Scary Tasks Done

Because we all get in our way. We all turn away from what brings us most alive.

Women on the adventure called showing up for your life, let’s flip right into doing something fresh, shall we? Let’s outsmart and go past doing things the same old way.

Here are 8 simple ways to get your scary tasks done:

# 1 – Ask: What would you tell your best friend to do next, if she was in the same situation and asked your advice?

First thoughts – quick write them down as they pop up your head.

Now go do that next step that you would so applaud your BFF for doing.

# 2 – Give up thinking there’s a right way to deal with your fear (because there isn’t)

Maybe you like to hip check your fear into the corner and tell it to shut up. Or maybe you like to greet your fear with a gentle “Hello. What do you need to be okay with me moving forward? Because forward I will go.” Or maybe outside support in the form of coach or a class works best for you.

There’s no one “right” way to handle fear. What matters is that you don’t let it run your life. Remind yourself you are not fear. You have plenty of resources to get through whatever situation you’re in. And please forget the idea of managing fear “spiritually” or the“right” way. That kind of reasoning is usually a sign fear is running you.

So if you find yourself thinking that you aren’t managing fear correctly, consider that just might be fear’s voice in your ear.

# 3 – Forget beginning at the beginning

Beginning is simply starting.

Thinking you need to know the perfect beginning of your project before you can start can keep you stuck for years, send you looping back to begin the perfect beginning again and again. Jump in anywhere. Do something. Then ask, “What’s the next simple step?” Repeat.

Yes, at some point, it’s useful to step back and access where you are going, to see if you are reasonably on course but not at the beginning. You don’t know enough. You may know next to nothing which makes you afraid and sends you back to “start again the right way.” Resist!

#4 – What if you aren’t afraid (confused, overwhelmed, self-doubting, etc.) but you need to strengthen your emotional immune system?

We aren’t afraid of change, we are afraid of being undefended. This makes sense when you think of how we lived for most of our human history: in tribes, where it was safer.

The idea is to figure out what to do to help yourself feel safe (or defended) while taking action on things that you care deeply about but that also scare the crap out of you.

How can you do that? There are lots of ways. One is the micro-practice of calming your nervous system throughout the day. Whenever you notice yourself flipping out or numbing out, savor your breath, extend your exhale, and feel your body here – safe and present.

#5 – Your future self knows zilch.

Your brain regularly convinces you that your future self will be a far better, smarter, more disciplined person that the current you . That’s why we say things like “Tomorrow I’ll start exercising!” or “Next week I will do deep work for two hours before I check social media every single day.” Only there is no future self. When tomorrow or next week arrives, it will be you that arrives, too.

Don’t let this truth depress you! The you you are today is totally sufficient! She is more than good enough to make your project a reality. Waiting for your better future self is another of fear’s ploys to keep you safe – aka, in the same place.

To bring your future self together with your current self, do something you like to do while taking action on what you’re putting off. I’m listening to slow music while I write this. Maybe yours is co-working with a friend while you do your scary s tuff or wearing your favorite outfit while making that hard phone call.

Pleasure plus action!

# 6 – Forget visualizing your success

Research has shown that focusing on being done and dusted and aglow with success with your project is actually demotivating. I personally find it makes me all uptight and pushy, rather than open and consistently taking joyful action.

Instead of visualizing your ideal end result, feel yourself in process. What does it feel like in your body to be having a great sales conversation with a prospective client? Visualize yourself closing the deal.

Weave in small moments of feeling your process throughout your day, especially when you feel lost or afraid. Let the body help you get into action.

# 7 – Name your intrinsic motivation

You’ve no doubt heard that focusing on extrinsic rewards (praise, money, promotions, best-seller list) has limited efficacy when it comes to your long term motivation. As long as you feel the playing field is fair, extrinsic motivation is another way to decrease your willpower and your pleasure, and even increase procrastination.

Get familiar with why you’re doing your scary stuff for yourself. This doesn’t mean you can’t be motivated by serving others; however, being motivated by the desire to serve is very different than wanting to be recognized for serving.

Reflect: Why you are doing your scary stuff? Meaning, agency, doing high quality work, experiencing flow, and progressing or learning are common intrinsic motivators as is the pleasure of doing your thing.

Whenever your fear snarls at you or you fall into comparison hell, take a moment to remember this intrinsic motivator.

# 8 – Be Enough Now

If you never did another thing, never overcame whatever is in your way, never brought your genius to life, it doesn’t matter. That’s because your essential goodness, your beautiful beaming heart, your humanity as it is now, would be in no way diminished.

You are not your work. You are not what you do.

You are light, you are pure love. Right now.

I’m not telling you this to make you feel good. I’m stating a fact. And when you grasp this fact (even for a few breathes) you realize that all the scary stuff in the world is an illusion. It’s nothing. Then you can do what you want, take action, play along. Because it’s engrossing, because you love learning, because you burn to share what you know, but never because you have anything to prove about who or what you are.

Because you don’t.

But then you knew that, didn’t you?

***

Please take one of these ideas and put it into play – your way.

Let one idea lead you to take action on what you most want to create, to build, to love into being.

Why wait when you can act NOW!?

 

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5 Things The Contemporary Woman Can Learn From Biblical Rahab

If there’s a common knowledge about Rahab, it is that she is a bad example of what no one would want to be associated with.

She is a whore.
A prostitute.
A very bad example.

Someone who people only talk about when they want to emphasize she is a prostitute.

But is there all there is to her? No!
Is there something worthwhile you can emulate from her? Yes!

You may not be a prostitute but you sure have something in common with Rahab. That is being a woman.

As a woman, what lessons can you learn from Rahab?

A lot.
But for time and space, I would highlight a few.

Come with me let’s learn from a harlot.

(For a little back story, you can read Joshua 2:1-24)

1. Sensitivity:

Being a prostitute meant that any man that walks into her house wanted to patronize her. However, Rahab knew exactly who the two spies who entered her house were and what they wanted. She was sensitive enough to know they didn’t come for “business” so she never bothered talking to them about it. She knew that as spies, their most pressing need is to be hidden and protected and she did just that for them.

What this spells for us women in contemporary times is that we should pay attention and be observant enough to shift our focus when need arises.
You may be in a line of business or rendering services. However, when need be, understand what your (potential) customer or client needs per time and give it to them according to their needs.
As a business owner or service provider, create room for bespoke services, tailored to suit the present needs of a client or customer.

Be sensitive enough to discern who comes into your life as a bridge to your destiny.
Be discerning enough to know that that random stranger isn’t just a random stranger but someone who could be holding the key to your breakthrough.
Be wise enough to know that that client might be the one client you need for your business to break even.

2. Understand time and know when to negotiate:

Rahab hid the spies and kept them safe because she knew what they wanted and why they were in the city.
However, just before they slept, she struck a deal with them. She negotiated with them and made them agree to the deal on her own terms.

As a contemporary woman, know that there are people who shouldn’t just be your customers but they should become partners in your business.
When you render services, don’t be afraid to negotiate, state what you want and how you want it done. What’s the worst that can happen? When you have recognized an opportunity, initiate the deal before you all get too comfortable. Negotiate and place your cards before it is too late.
Don’t be scared to ask for a raise in salary, especially when you know and they can see that you deliver topnotch in your place of work.
You know what you want so why hold back from asking what you deserve?

3. Trustworthy:

When the king of Jericho heard spies were in the land, he sent messengers to Rahab’s house to confirm if they were with her. Even though at that time, they were in her house, Rahab told the king’s messengers they were no longer in her house.
Interesting to know that the messengers didn’t bother to conduct any search to confirm.
This can only mean one thing; Rahab is a person of integrity. She is trustworthy.
If she said they weren’t there, then they weren’t there. She has a record of telling the truth. She has a strong record of integrity that even the messengers knew.

As a contemporary woman, integrity is an essential core value you should embrace.
In your environment, are you trustworthy? Do you have integrity that people can vouch for?
Are you known to keeping to your words?
When push comes to shove, can people stand for you and say your words are true?
Can they attest that your words match your actions?
Earn the trust of people around you. It is important because someday, you would need to bank on that trust when it is all been said and done.

4. Influence:

Clearly, Rahab even as a prostitute, was a person of influence. I won’t be mistaken to say she’s quite popular in her city. She wields so much influence and popularity that even the king knows her house. Nobody said exactly where the spies were but the king knew if there truly were spies, the first place they would go to would be Rahab’s house.

As a contemporary woman, how much influence do you have in your organization? How much do you have in your environment?
How much influence does your business have? The services you offer, what makes it different from the others?
Rahab sure wasn’t the only prostitute around yet, she stood out among other prostitutes.What are you doing as a contemporary woman to be different from the others?

Part of the agreement in Rahab’s deal with the spies is that no one would know about it until they all left the land.
Yet, Rahab was able to convince her entire relatives to come along with her. How was she able to do that without explaining what and where they are headed?
It means she has influence in her family and they trust her enough to follow her.

How many people in your household can you speak to and they will do as you have said without questioning?

As a contemporary woman, one of the ways to have influence is by directly affecting the lives of people around you. You can do so by rendering help when and where you can, teaching, mentoring and being there for people in ways you can.

5. Multiple streams of income/Investments:

Rahab was a prostitute yes, but it is pertinent to mention she didn’t rely on only income made from harlotry. She had other sources of income which are:

  • The spies walked into her house as soon as they stepped into the city of Jericho. This means she runs an inn where visitors can lodge.  That makes it a second source of income for her.
  • When people lodge, they would eat and drink before sleeping or departing. Which makes it her third source of income.
  • Remember she hid the spies in the flax stacks on the rooftops. This shows she is into the sales of flax. Which makes it a fourth source of income.

You wonder and how a prostitute had the wisdom to do all of these?

Rahab actually means expansion. Her potentials within her kept screaming and reminding her she’s more than what she is presently. She knew there is more to her life than being a harlot.

She knew she wouldn’t be a harlot forever so she invested the funds she made from her harlotry.

As a contemporary woman, know that there is more to your life than where you are today. It isn’t a crime to start small. It isn’t a sin to start little.
However, what matters in the long run is how much you are able to garner from the little you are doing now.

You may be working in a firm that is paying a sub par salary. You know you are more than what you earn currently.
Do the best you can, save what you can, invest in investments you know about. Be involved in other things that can fetch you legitimate income.
A little here and a little there fills the room in no time.

Don’t be comfortable with your present condition. Make the best of what you have currently but reach for more. Allow your potentials find expression.

Listen dear woman, it doesn’t matter how people see you. What matters is how you see yourself. What you call yourself.
People call Rahab the prostitute. But she calls herself Rahab, expansion. And she lived out expansion.

Your present circumstance does not in anyway translate to your ultimate reality. Rahab the prostitute became Rahab the grandmother of a king.

Who would have thought so?

What you have inside of you is greater that your present reality.
Don’t be afraid to reach for more because woman, there is more and you can be more!

 

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