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Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.

Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.

Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.

However, withholding information that directly affects or concerns the other individual or omitting any information that reveals the core of your identity, thus keeping your partner from having a complete picture of you (flaws and all) definitely constitutes as keeping a secret.

NKEM SAYS: KEEPING SECRETS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Anyone who has ever been close to me will tell you one thing: I hate secrets. Communication is a huge deal for me in any kind of relationship. Even though I grew up being told to keep secrets from people, as a way to protect myself, experience has made me understand that sharing thoughts, feelings, deepest fears, dreams and struggles is key to building an open, honest and healthy relationship.
Of course, not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure… even when it comes to the people they are closest to, or are even intimate with. There is always the strong need to protect one’s interests, avoid confrontation, conflict or manipulation, and of course, the fear of losing the person completely.
Then again, there are secrets…and then there are secrets. For instance, not telling your girlfriend that you still stalk your ex or even stalk their own ex on social media, or not admitting to how much time you waste doing random, unfruitful things like playing online games, window shopping or even picking your eyes or nose, may not necessarily count as major secrets. No one will necessarily give you the side eye if you keep any of these little secrets from your partner as they are more like innocent little blips and do not directly affect the other party.
Continue reading on www.Womenofrubies.com link in bio #Womenofrubies #relationship #secret

Some of these secrets are usually linked to unpleasant topics such as money troubles/finances, job situation, fidelity or issues related to past or present mistakes.

Keeping secrets certainly indicates a lack of certain elements including trust, authenticity, and real intimacy.

However, it appears secrets could also help breed these same elements. I recently hung out with some colleagues, and during our discussions, the topic of keeping secrets in a relationship came up.

One of the guys raised a point that early in a relationship, it can be difficult to know just how much to reveal to the other person and so secrets become necessary to protect the growth of that relationship. He confessed that he had recently been introduced to a girl with whom he had been started dating for just about 1 month. He explained that on their last date, she had asked him how he raised the money to start his business. And rather than telling her it was savings he made from the time he was a yahoo boy, he told her he got financial support from his friends and family.
According to him, he was protecting the relationship as it was still at its blueprint stage and he was not yet comfortable disclosing the sins of his past.

Again, he wanted her to get to know him and fall in love with him for who he really is before sharing all that information with her. His submission was that just as no parent tells a child the whole truth, people in relationships should accept the ongoing need to edit their full reality to ensure trust and intimacy are forged. His situation also suggested that until you reach a certain comfort level, whereby you are both in it for the long haul, you are probably better off keeping a few things under wraps.

Sometimes when we meet someone new, we get drawn into the fantasy world where we believe that we have found “the one” and so we do all we can to build a foundation of trust. We forget the fact that relationships, especially nowadays, are volatile at best, and we turn our personal life into an open book, killing our relationships before it even gets the chance to thrive.

Surely, keeping certain dark secrets and revealing them in small doses and at appropriate times in relationships may be in everyone’s best interest. Chances are that you are not even the only one keeping a secret or two. You may be shocked later on, when you find out what your partner is keeping also under wraps.

Do you agree or not?

Nkem Ndem

About Nkem Ndem

Nkem Ndem V. is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for online writing(web content and blog) and editing, screenwriting, ghost writing, copy proofreading and book reviews. With a degree in Mass Communications, Nkem has been working as a freelance writer since 2011 and has collaborated with several organizations including Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Also, she works part-time as an English language tutor to prep candidates for EDEXCEL IGCSE, TOEFL or IELTS. Check out her Instagram page @kem_dem. Also, she tweets with the handle @ndemv and can be contacted via email: nkemndemv@gmail.com.

Source : Bellanaija

I am going to be completely honest: I am a huge romantic. I love love…and as such, I certainly adore the idea of a specific day being set aside to celebrate love. Unfortunately, though, I haven’t had much luck with Valentine’s Day!

My earliest memory of the holiday is of my bubble literally bursting after a package I found in my schoolbag (and had been so excited about) revealed a rusty GL neck-chain which my secret crush -who sadly, wasn’t the guy I fancied at the time- had obtained from his grandmother’s box of rejected jewelries and placed in a card designed with the picture of a half-eaten apple and a mouth that said “You are so delicious”.

Even worse was Valentine’s Day 2008, My 3rd year at Covenant University, when a porter at Deborah Hall, one of school hostels, seized the bag of provisions my mother had sent to me through a family friend, Obinna, with claims that Valentine gifts were not allowed from males at the female hostels. The thought of that day still brings tears to my eyes. It was the worst experience ever. Not only did I have to deal with the pain of realizing that I would have to survive the next 4 weeks without Milk, Milo, Rice krispies, Titus Sardines and other school-life necessities, I also had to sit through hours of watching other girls gush over the Val gifts their boyfriends managed to smuggle into the hall and silently wonder when “amoshine”.

Over the years, I have come to realize that contrary to what romantic comedies had me believing since I was about 6, Valentine’s Day actually isn’t all that great. In reality, it is more like a number of the fancy clubs on Lagos Island- the idea of the club is way better than the actual club in itself. The music is so loud you are in a constant state of stress; the people suck; you spend so much money but never have any fun really; yet, you keep coming back, telling yourself that will it get better.

Let’s face it, Nigerians are submerged in the cultural hypnosis that nudges them to associate true love and commitment with Valentine’s Day. I consider this a form of “conditioning” as the Valentine’s Day of today so obviously has nothing to do with real love. It is now a highly commercialized day of forced love with the main beneficiaries being brands that get to sell you anything from red flowers and chocolates to exorbitant destination getaways. Even worse, having a date on this day, also, has become a status symbol more than anything else, and for some God-knows-why reason, being able to celebrate Valentine’s Day means that you are somehow better or more successful than your single friends.

Quite honestly, the level of pressure this holiday brings is worse than that of a shaken bottle of Coke. The singles who dream of being coupled up, face the pressure of finding a date at all costs; those who are dating feel the pressure to find the ultimate gift or pull off the most original and meaningful romantic gesture ever; and Nigerian girls who like to show off their Val gifts certainly do not want to be at the bottom of the totem pole, so, they weary their men and literally everyone else with their demands. In fact, even the men -especially the stingy and weak ones- who do not want to deal with all the pressure, say and do all they can to get away with not celebrating it. You find them making such silly statements as “every day is Valentine’s day”, “Can’t you see it’s quarter to Buhari O’clock?”, or “Love should be spontaneous and not contrived, Valentine’s day defeats that purpose”. Some even go as far as breaking up with their girlfriends days before February 14th.

The truth is, Valentine’s Day celebrations is not a do-or-die affair. The choice to go ahead with the celebration is up to you and if you decide you don’t want it or that the day is not for you, no one will kill you (hopefully). Of course, the sentiment behind the day is probably worth celebrating but…whether you choose to abstain from the celebrations, or whether you go along with the commercialized way we presently celebrate the holiday, note that your grand gestures will not be able to replace emotional intimacy if the security of your bond is already in question. Also, for those who are single and filled with resentment for people with partner to celebrate the holiday with…please, stop it. Stop jealous. The day is not just for those who have partners, and as such, you are not required to have a “bae” to enjoy it. Make the most of the day. And if not for anything, take full advantage of this day because it is a day in your life.

I am hoping this February 14th will be pleasant for everyone really. Surely, every Nigerian can use a bit of love at this time as we keep standing together #IstandwithNigeria

Happy Valentine’s Day!

xx

 

Source: Bellanaija