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In self development February 23, 2022 By Editor

Ayo Adeyemi: 9 Guys You Should Never Marry

Nobody’s perfect. But some men you should just avoid entirely..

As you look for Mr. Right, you try to look past some of bad traits so you can see all the good ones. This is good. It shows that you’re not shallow. But, despite how shallow it might seem, there are some guys you should just leave in the dating pool. Here are 10:

The commitment-phobe

Finally locked down the guy every girl’s been chasing? Well, I got news for you. Just because he finally decided to knuckle down and commit, doesn’t mean he’s committed. If he used to be a commitment-phobe, he may still be and you’ll always wonder how invested in the relationship he really is.

The mama’s boy

You’ve heard that how a man treats his mother is how he’ll treat you. So you look for a guy who is close to his mom and spends a lot of time with her. But be careful, if he’s too close you’ll find yourself married to his mother, too. So you better get used to hearing, “My mom doesn’t do it that way.” And you better get used to his mother being your marriage counselor, too.

The manly man

This guy talks about sports, beer and hunting all the time. Sure, he’s rugged but you better be prepared to change all the diapers and do all the housework. And forget about him getting you something nice for Valentine’s Day because real men don’t do that mushy stuff

The rebel

A lot of women are attracted to the bad boy. There’s just something mysterious and romantic about him. But a lot of times the rebel in society is a rebel in marriage. And pretty soon you’ll find him rebelling against you, too.

The narcissist

Narcissus was an ancient Greek mythological figure who was so beautiful that he fell in love with himself – but because he couldn’t leave his own reflection in the water, he eventually drowned. A person who is a narcissist is so convinced of their own greatness that they don’t see their weaknesses. Marrying a narcissist is a very one sided relationship. They’re always trying to vaunt their own greatness – often at the expense of others.

The control freak

Everybody likes to have things their own way. Unfortunately, because men are socialized to express hostility and anger when they don’t get what they want, a man who is a control freak can often become intimidating and even abusive (physically or mentally).

The I-know-more-than-you

It’s a good thing to marry a person for his brains. But be careful because you might end up marrying a know-it-all. And you’ll always feel like you’re wrong – even if it’s just an opinion.

The pushover

As mentioned before, everybody likes to have their own way. So when you find a guy who lets you do whatever you want and doesn’t complain about it, you want to grab him up. But after a while you’ll find yourself making all the decisions. And then you’ll find yourself complaining because he doesn’t pull his own weight.

The fitness freak

Who doesn’t want a guy with chiseled abs and nice arms? But despite all his good (physical) traits you may soon find that the gym is taking up an exorbitant amount of time in your family’s life. And you’ll find yourself using phrases like “did you beat your PR today, honey?” But more importantly, a man who lets the gym run his life has let the servant become the master and you’ll soon find that he has other priorities out of whack, too.

Yes, there are bits and pieces of these personality traits in every Prince Charming. But just make sure they’re only bits and pieces or you’ll find yourself married to a frog instead of a Prince.

Source: Familyshare

In self development July 31, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

10 SIGNS YOU ARE DATING A MAN CHILD

Are you dating a man child? Do you know the attributes of a man child? There are many men in relationships who behave like children and expect their women to keep putting up with their childish behaviour. They don’t know what it means to love and respect a woman. Some men still behave like babies who need to be bottle fed because they are still holding on to the archaic belief that men are like babies.

Such men are bad news. Women should stop putting up with them for the sake of their sanity. Women should be careful not to fall for the tantrums these men throw. They are the ones who believe that abuse is not bad. They subtly encourage emotional and psychological abuse. They use religion and culture to cover up abuse.

Here are 10 characteristics of a man child women shouldn’t ignore:

He refuses to grow up

A man child refuses to grow up. He believes that a woman must babysit him, take care of him and clean up after him. Dealing with this kind of man brings nothing but drama and heartaches. He expects you to wash his clothes, clean his apartment, clean up after his relatives, and pay his bills too. When he goes into debt, he expects you to bail him out. He expects you to always make excuses for his bad behaviour, rationalize his poor choices and please him at all costs.

He whines about not getting sex

When you are not in the mood to have sex, the man child throws a tantrum. He complains about not getting what he wants like a child he didn’t get his favourite candy. He remains in a bad mood and becomes distant for not getting what he wants. He punishes you for not having sex with him by being moody. He also gives you the silent treatment. He doesn’t care about you or your reasons for not having sex with him. He’s selfish. It’s all about him. You really don’t matter.

He avoids conflict

Don’t let a man make you feel like you are troublesome because you need to discuss an issue. That is one of the signs of a man child. He will tell you he doesn’t want to fight and won’t engage in an argument. He will claim that you love fight too much instead of listening to your concerns and working with you to make sure your relationship continues to go smoothly. Sometimes, arguing is part of a healthy relationship.

He avoids responsibilities

He will try to get away with doing things for you no matter how little they are. If you need a ride to the airport, he will come up with excuses as to why he can’t do it. If you need help with your car, he has reasons why he just can’t be there.

He tries to make you jealous

If a man child is unfaithful, or flirts with other women in your presence, he dismisses your concerns about his irresponsible actions. When you say it makes you uncomfortable, he tells you that doing that is not technically cheating.

He is quick to stop his woman from advancing in her career

All a man child wants to do is play with you. So if you can’t join him for fun because you are working hard for yourself and making your own money, he is not excited for you. He is not proud of you. He only complains that you don’t spend time with him. he sees your advancement to the top as a threat to his masculinity. Dealing with a man child is stressful. It’s like everything you do or say is a problem.

He supports gender equality when it benefits him

A man child supports feminism only when it suits him and when his woman has to settle his bills. That is when he will shout gender equality until his voice goes hoarse. A man child will let you foot the bill every time, because you have a lot more money than he does or because you offer to do so. He won’t remember then that it is an abomination for a woman to pay for a man’s food or take care of his money needs.

He subscribes to toxic masculinity

He thinks to be masculine means to never discuss emotions. He sees men who show emotions as weak men. If you try to ask him about his feelings, he becomes irritated with you, as if you are crossing a line and shouts you down. A man child leaves you feeling like you did something wrong.

He splashes negative feelings everywhere

A man child can be a little bit too comfortable with his emotions. He may have been a spoiled child whose tantrums were never dealt with. He will go to your friend’s birthday party in a bad mood sulking about what happened to him that day. He will not control his emotions, even if that means ruining everyone else’s mood.

He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions

Such men don’t know what it means to be responsible or take responsibility for their actions. They blame you for cheating on you, blame you for being abusive and also blame you when things start going downhill for them. Such men find it hard to own up to their mistakes and actions.

In self development June 2, 2019 By Esther Ijewere

DEAR MEN: IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO EXPLAIN SEXISM TO YOU

There are endless articles and even a book about how often men try to teach women things we already know. Despite being a raft and adventure guide in the outdoor industry for most of my 20s, I often get approached by men half my age trying to teach me how to do things like setting an anchor. It both infuriates and cracks me up that they assume I need to be taught because I’m a woman. Especially when I started climbing before they were even born.

But I’ve recently realized there’s an even more annoying kind of mansplainer. He’s not the “teacher” type, but rather a seemingly curious man who wants to be “taught.” I call him the Faux Student.REAL LIFE. REAL NEWS. REAL VOICES.Help us tell more of the stories that matter from voices that too often remain unheard.Become a founding member

Every woman knows this kind of dude. He’s the mansplainer in disguise. Instead of teaching you something you already know, he wants you to spend your time and emotional labor educating him, often on the finer points of feminism. Only, spoiler alert: These dudes aren’t here to learn jack shit.

I hit my breaking point a couple of months ago when I wrote a super-personal post on Facebook about how I don’t trust male doctors anymore. Well, Faux Student had questions about this. That is, after he pointed out that this is a HUMAN ISSUE (all caps!), not a feminist one. Why do I “have to make everything about sexism!!!!!!!!!!” he asked.

A friend of mine jumped in, posted links to this article to back me up and answered all his patronizing questions. She finally got sick of it and blocked him, but I spent a good 20 minutes tap-dancing around his fragile male ego trying to explain that women in the U.S. die all the time because male doctors don’t listen to us. I even gave a dissertation-level argument backed up with hard facts. But Faux Student wouldn’t drop it. He just didn’t understand, OK?

“Dude, STOP,” I wrote. “I’m not explaining feminism to you.” The empathetic (sorry — codependent) part of me that gives people way too many chances finally said that if he was genuinely interested, I could send him links to articles that explain what I and all the women were talking about on my Facebook post.

The next day, he messaged me a sorry-not-sorry apology. But you know what he didn’t do?

Ask for any of those links.

Not a single one.

Because he doesn’t actually care about this issue. He never did.

Every woman knows this kind of dude. He’s the mansplainer in disguise. Instead of teaching you something you already know, he wants you to spend your time and emotional labor educating him.

I used to be willing to enlighten any man who asked me about feminism. But in recent years, I’ve learned a much healthier approach from being in Facebook writing groups with women of color.

Like clockwork, every week or so, an ignorant white lady will say something insensitive or blatantly racist. A woman of color will call her out, and the white lady will invariably play the “That wasn’t my intent but please teach me” card, which then requires long, thoughtful responses from the WOC. These women do so with more compassion and patience than the lady deserves. But white lady usually tries to shut them down with the same gaslighting techniques men use to shut women down. The lesson usually ends with the white lady crying her fragile white tears and calling the WOC bullies.

“I’m trying to understand!” she’ll say right before swearing she’s not racist. This despite the fact that all white people have racism to unlearn.

Over time, I’ve witnessed that a lot of the women of color who had been doing all this free labor stop responding with comments and instead just link to articles that explain the topic at hand. Some have gotten so fed up that they’ve started to list their PayPal account info in the comments. After all, they’re saving these white women hours by providing resources they could and should have researched their damn selves.

Some women refuse to engage at all and instead just say, “Google it.”

I’ve since taken this wisdom into my life as a feminist, and boy, has it been a game-changer. Because honestly, I’m too exhausted to spend my time educating the Faux Student.

For decades now, I’ve been reading numerous articles online about women’s issues, taking feminism classes, talking about feminism with women and men, protesting sexism on the streets, watching TED Talks, and straight up living it. I recently spent my whole Saturday with 5,000 women protesting sexual assault here in France while my guy friends slept in and enjoyed a leisurely weekend. I rarely meet men who actively educate themselves about feminism, read books or articles by women, or watch our TV shows and movies.

Think about all the things I could do if learning about feminism (and all forms of social injustice) didn’t consume so much of my time! It’s an endless, exhausting but necessary time suck for us. And that’s just the beginning of our firewall!

I rarely meet men who actively educate themselves about feminism, read books or articles by women, or watch our TV shows and movies.

Then there’s all the unpaid labor women do at home, all the efforts we make keeping ourselves safe, the money and time we spend trying to recover from small or big doses of trauma we’ve already experienced. It’s a full-time job just existing as a woman.

In fact, just the other day, a man followed me home from the gym and harassed me the entire way until I stopped at the wrong apartment building and pretended to be going home (more mental energy wasted trying to outsmart the bad guys!). Once I did get home, I was shaking and livid for a good two hours afterward and couldn’t get any work done. He reminded me of all the other men who’ve followed me, sexually assaulted or harassed me, or simply scared the living shit out of me.

See why we’re so tired, guys? And why we don’t have time to educate your asses?

I find it insulting when men who’ve put zero effort into learning about women’s rights, much less fighting for them, ask me to take even more of my time and energy to explain it to them.

These exhausting men have made me realize just how much emotional labor it requires for a marginalized group to educate people outside said group, making me appreciate all the more the many people of color who’ve taken the time and effort to educate me over the years. Like them, I am willing to teach men who are open and respectful enough to have these sometimes hard conversations (I mean, we’re fighting for men too, duh). But I’m too tired, busy, and honestly, have zero fucks left to give those who don’t.

For the Faux Student, I now say “Google it.”

Unless they want to PayPal me. Then I’m totally game.

By: Melanie Hamlett