James Bond fans wanting 007 to be either black or female are in for a double treat — with the movie spy about to be played by a black woman, according to a report on Sunday.
British actress Lashana Lynch, 31, will be introduced as the new 007 in what is being described as a ‘popcorn-dropping moment’ in the franchise’s 25th movie that is currently being filmed, according to the Mail on Sunday.
But it is not a complete do-over — with her just taking James Bond’s secret agent number after he retires from MI6, the report states.
Bond himself will still be played by Daniel Craig — and will still adhere to his old-fashioned macho characteristics, an insider told the UK paper.
‘Bond, of course, is sexually attracted to the new female 007 and tries his usual seduction tricks, but is baffled when they don’t work on a brilliant, young black woman who basically rolls her eyes at him and has no interest in jumping into his bed,” a source told the Mail.
The insider called it a “pivotal scene” when Bond is called back from retirement and introduced to Lynch as the new 007.
“It’s a popcorn-dropping moment. Bond is still Bond but he’s been replaced as 007 by this stunning woman,” the source told the Mail.
Londoner Lynch, who played the fighter pilot Maria Rambeau in “Captain Marvel”, is hoped to modernize the franchise criticized by many as being too dated and sexist.
“This is a Bond for the modern era who will appeal to a younger generation while sticking true to what we all expect in a Bond film,” the source said.
“There are spectacular chase sequences and fights, and Bond is still Bond but he’s having to learn to deal with the world of #MeToo.”
Mrs Bisi Fayemi, the Ekiti State First Lady, has said it is discriminatory to expel pregnant schoolgirls from school while allowing the boys who impregnated them to continue their education.
Mrs Fayemi said this Thursday during a meeting in Ado-Ekiti with wives of Coordinating Directors and Community Development Officers of the 16 Local Government Councils in the state.
She pointed out that all girls, regardless of their status, have a right to education.
The Ekiti State First Lady acknowledged that pregnant girls face various forms of punishments, including discriminatory practices that deny them their right to education. She went on to reveal that the state government is ready to implement relevant laws, including the Child Rights Act, Gender Equality and other laws to protect the interest of children.
She added that a sensitizattion campaign to increase awareness on the importance of protecting the rights of children, especially the girl child, will hold in the state in the coming month.
The Indian woman is always taught that all the roles she plays will make her whole, but what about her self? Why is encouraged to forget her own needs?
“The whole is greater than sum of its parts.” This aphorism coined by Aristotle, applies to many everyday situations.
Not so long ago, when I was undergoing a separation in my marriage, little did I know that I was headed towards finding something I had been missing for years. It was nothing but my own self!
Coming from a middle class family where we were told to educate ourselves, get married, have kids, I had thought that it would make me complete, make me WHOLE! What I was not taught is how to love myself.
My life was not very different from that of a typical Indian female. Yes, and that life is a sum of different parts. Didn’t understand? Let me explain. Our lives are made up of the various parts that we play at different stages of life. We play the role of a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother, and so on….. These are different roles that I have also been playing, thinking that all these added up together will make me whole.
I am sure that many of you reading this today must be nodding your heads in agreement with me. Don’t worry. I have also believed this shit for years. But not any more!
Let me tell you something. As much as I regard the institution of marriage and have total respect for all the roles that a woman plays in her entire life, one thing that I am sure of is: Ladies, this doesn’t make you whole! The most important part that you have all been missing is “loving yourself”.
This is a role that I learned through hard experience and I am sure many of you are still missing out on it as well. Just like many of you, I have always wanted to be a role model for being a good wife. I did everything to please my ex so that I don’t fail at that role and kept doing many things, which in my heart I knew were just not right.
I was playing a role of perfect wife, at least in my head! I was aspiring to finish the last line. In my opinion, at that time, I used to think that this what we need to make us “whole” – a successful husband, behind whom I am standing to cheer him on, a successful kid who would receive degrees from Harvard/Stanford University and so on.
I was treading this path until it became intolerable. My soul was dying every single day and it felt as if I was breathing but not alive! What was wrong? I could not understand it. I was looking for answers and boom! It was in front of me and I never saw that. I was watering others around me but they were draining me. I was filling their cups but my cup was getting empty!
So when you are playing any role in your life, how many of you put your SELF first in the whole situation and then decide what should be done? I know, as a sacrificing Indian woman, you are used to giving up on what YOU want and do what you think is best for your family. But let me tell you…. loving yourself, putting your desires first, voicing your opinions and asking to be an equal partner does not make you selfish. It merely makes you whole!
TEAM is nothing but the understanding that Together Everyone Achieves More! So when we are playing any role, what we need to emphasize is that this team takes into consideration what your feelings are too! This team needs to learn to give up sometimes for your wants as well. This team should also allow your part to be summed in the whole.
My marriage didn’t work but this journey made me think about what I had lost or gained. To be honest, I gained more. I know one thing for sure now that “I” am important too. It made me learn how to love myself. It allowed me to understand that I need to put on my oxygen mask first (as the flight attendant tells you when you travel on a flight) before I could help others. I learned that unless my own cup is full, I couldn’t fill anyone else’s cup.
I am experiencing ‘Pronoia’ (a word coined to express the opposite of Paranoia) and not being ‘Paranoid’. I know that I am not just a ‘total’ sum of my roles. Because now I know how to love myself. Anything I do now is not incomplete. I am ‘more’ than the sum of my parts because I know what I deserve and I know my worth. I am complete. I am whole.
The first time a woman is taught to be silent, she is told to be ashamed of her body, to be guilty of it. And she obeys. But when she can’t bear the injustices on her body and spirit, she spits out silence from her throat, speaks out fiercely, courageously.
***
In the past few weeks, we’ve seen women on social media wriggle free from the stifling rules of the society, telling their stories. With this new culture of speaking out – the Bill Cosby case, the sexual abuse allegations against Harvey Weinstein and its consequent spark of the #MeToo movement, and Busola Dakolo’s revelation, which made Chika Unigwe and TY Bello share their stories – women have been emboldened by the need for justice to call out sexual predators. However, while we expect the world to be happy and provide succour and support to these women, what we see is a whole new disheartening dimension of silencing women and their struggles.
Invalidated statistics flying on Facebook state that not less than 90% of women have experienced, at one point in their life, sexual abuse. The figure isn’t far-fetched in a world abounding with grabby men who feel entitled to a woman’s body; where sex is what a man takes from a woman (and sometimes takes it by fire, by force). It is not unsurprising – though it is saddening – to see people’s need to invalidate the stories of these women, subtly enabling their perpetrators.
Under the guise of standing on the side of truth and fairness, apologists search for holes in the stories, ask needless questions: ‘Why didn’t she scream?’ ‘Why did she go back to him?’ ‘How did the alleged rapist know she was home alone?’ These irritating questions, aimed at gaslighting victims into silence, are endless. And there is the excuse of these questions being necessary to ensure that the (supposed) victims aren’t concocting stories, framing innocent men.
While Aunty Chimamanda has taught us the danger of a single story, when it comes to issues like sexual abuse, it is best to believe the single story of the accuser (while waiting for the story of the accused, which most times never comes) because the accuser has more to lose. Say the victim is found guilty of concocting lies, the accused could sue for defamation of character, shame her, and pass an important message to people like her who may want to do such in the future. And this cannot be compared to the physical irrecoverable chunks of the woman that had been lost over time in a case where the accused is actually guilty.
But apologists fail to see this and go ahead to shut women up. The danger of re-enforcing the culture of silence by disbelieving the stories of women is that it will, in no distant time, metamorphose women into scary, savage beings. Not a metamorphosis per se, but an activation of a latent trait. Or isn’t it said that hell has no fury like a woman scorned?
***
The second time a woman is taught to be silent, she is told to doubt her story because the world doubts it. Then she says to herself that there is no use speaking out to a world that has chosen to be deaf and blind. So she seeks justice for and by herself, to cleanse herself of the predator.
***
Should there come a time when we see courtrooms with accused men standing in witness boxes, maimed, when we hear of deaths of accused men, then we will know that the monstrous feminine spirit has been awakened. The rise of a woman, not a cackling hen, but a quiet duck, returning her body to wholeness in the way she sees fit. The woman who no longer latches onto the need for validation, no longer cares about what the society believes or doubts. The woman who will serve ‘plausible’ stories; stories where her total focus is in protecting herself. And it doesn’t matter if her body has already suffered indignity, she will – like a mantis – wring out every pleasure from the body of her offender.
A few years back, we saw a glimpse of this awakening. There were cases upon cases of domestic violence: women with black eye, swollen lips, puffy cheeks and swaths where a weapon had bit into flesh; instead of the world consoling these women, the culture of questioning was used to dilute their stories. ‘Yes, the man was wrong in hitting her, but what did she say to provoke him?’ When the women couldn’t bear it any longer, we heard stories of wives stabbing husbands. A Facebook user called it a revolution. In her words, ‘There is no revolution without blood.’
And it seems we’ve quickly forgotten this. It won’t be out of place to say that women are simmering already; the fire, the anger needed for the activation is burning already. Ijeoma Chinonyeremwrote on Facebook, ‘If you have young girls, rather than enroll them in holiday lessons, take them to self defence lessons. Karate, taekwando, tai chi, jujitsu, krav maga, martial arts, etc. Let them learn how to defend themselves against the Bioduns and Elishas wey full Naija. More are coming o. Walai. Make e no be your pikin tomorrow. Make she at least give them mark.’
While the hilarity of the advice isn’t missed, its truth and seriousness aren’t missed also. In the closing paragraph of ‘The Resurgence of the Monstrous Feminine’ published on Granta, Hannah Williams reveals the plot of vengeance that plays in her heart: She thinks about what it would be like to stalk silently behind men, ‘My feet soft and easy on the pavement, quick flash of my shadow under the street lights, How I’d watch the whites of their eyes shine as they turned to look behind them – softly, quietly, can’t be too obvious – see the glisten of sweat on the back of their necks.’
Just like Ijeoma said, more of the predators are coming.
But the awakening of the monstrous feminine is imminent.
Now this isn’t a call for women to pick up arms. No, far from it. If anything, it is a warning – if the world keeps hushing women running to find refuge and justice under its pinions, the time may come when they will see the need to defend themselves in any way they see fit.
Instagram model, Fatima Timbo has graduated from Middlesex University with a first class in Accounting.
The 21-year-old 4-feet Nigerian model with dwarfism started a career in modelling in 2017 in an attempt to promote body positivity for people with dwarfism and other physical conditions.
She wrote on Instagram;
Over the last 4 years I’ve been studying for an accounting and finance degree. Can’t believe I graduate with a first class! Anything possible when you put your mind to it 👏🏾🎉 #mdxgrad19 #graduation#issagraduate
Girls in developing countries must be protected from sexual violence in and around schools, the head of the UN’s children fund has said, urging governments to make it a top priority.
“We have a real responsibility to keep violence out of schools,” UNICEF chief Henrietta Fore says
Speaking to AFP on the sidelines of a G7 ministerial summit in Paris, UNICEF chief Henrietta Fore said keeping young girls safe was crucial to ensuring their education.
“We have a real responsibility to keep violence out of schools… by other students but also by their teachers,” she told AFP in an interview last week.
But sexual assault and violence was also affecting girls on their route to school and when they were going home, she said.
“In some countries in Africa, like South Africa where I was recently, some girls.. (suffer) sexual violence on their way to and from school,” she said.
And it is not an isolated phenomenon, with Human Rights Watch last year flagging up “high levels of sexual and gender-based violence” in Senegal where teachers were coercing girls into sex for money, gifts or good grades.
In 2015, the UN set targets aimed at ensuring equal opportunities and ending violence against women and girls by 2030, but last month, gender equality charity “Equal Measures 2030” said it was “failing to deliver”.
‘Girls can do anything’
Fore also stressed the importance of “a strong commitment” to the education of girls, particularly in places like the African Sahel, a vast area encompassing Burkina Faso, Chad, Mali, Mauritania and Nigeria which has been hit by jihadist violence.
“I am hoping they will stand up and make strong commitment (to) backing girls’ education, especially in places that are very hard, like in the Sahel: if girls get a chance there, they will get a chance everywhere.”
Girls, she said, were an enormous asset for the world at large.
“Often countries think it’s a lesser asset, but the power of young women in an economy is unmeasurable,” she said.
Some countries didn’t see the value in educating girls, but the numbers told a different story, she said.
“Girls can do anything.
“When women are streaming into the workplace, they are very good at their profession,” she said.
“If a government sees that women can become these brilliant innovators in their society, they will want more women to have a chance.”
The Paris summit grouped education and development ministers from wealthy G7 nations — Britain, Canada, Japan, France, Germany, Italy and the US — alongside their counterparts from the Sahel.
Argentina, Estonia, Singapore and Senegal also sent delegates.
Antoinette “Toni” Harris, a 22-year old Black woman, is the First woman ever to attend college on a full football scholarship. She has overcome challenges brought about by her gender, build, what other people say, and even a fatal illness she was diagnosed with. In fact, she dreams of being the first woman to play in the NFL.
Harris, who was born and raised in Detroit, has always been a football fan since she was 4-years old. Even though she also liked cheerleading and track-and-field, she really enjoys football the most.
She started just watching her cousins play until she herself played football during grade school. Eventually, she entered the high school football team but with teammates who “weren’t really accepting,” it wasn’t easy at first.
“It took them some time to warm up to me,” Harris said in an interview with Blavity. “But once they did, they were loving, they were supportive — and eventually everybody else got on board.”
Harris, who was proclaimed the homecoming queen on her senior year, still had doubts with herself. Being younger and a lot smaller than male players didn’t stop her though. She realized she just has to learn to live with it.
“At the end of the day, I told myself, ‘I cannot allow myself to live in fear.’ You don’t really live if you live in fear,” she said.
Her bravery has been ultimately tested when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 18. She lost half of her body weight and she went through remission later that year.
She continued with her dreams despite people telling her she couldn’t move from high school football to college. While enrolled at Golden West College, she entered East Los Angeles College to be able to play free safety with the community college team.
After two years in college football, she has received dozens of scholarship offers to play. Most recently, she marked history as the first woman to sign a letter of intent for a four-year college football scholarship. She accepted the scholarship with Central Methodist University to continue her studies and play football in the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics.
Moreover, Harris has also caught the attention of giant companies. In January, a Toyota advertisement featuring her with a RAV4 Hybrid was premiered in their Super Bowl commercial.
After college, Harris dreams of playing for her favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks, or “any other team in the NFL — as long as I got my chance,” she said. Additionally, she also plans on becoming a “homicide detective with a background in forensics.”
Briana Collins didn’t know she could wear braids on TV. The 26-year-old news anchor at Fox in Champaign, Illinois was tired of wearing straight hair and kowtowing to “industry standards” regarding hairstyles. In response, she took action.
“I’ve been in the TV industry for about four years now, so I’m still fairly new to the business. But one thing that I always wanted to do when I was in this industry was wear my braids,” she told TODAY Style. “Sometimes you just want to give your hair a break, or you’re tired of doing it every day.”
Inspired by Florida journalist AJ Walker, who posted photos of her braided hair, Collins asked her team if it was okay to wear braids. To her surprise, the network was supportive through the whole process.
“Fox Champaign has been 100 percent supportive of my choice. And it feels great to have management that approves of your choice to be different.”
While speaking toYahoo Lifestyle, the budding news anchor said that straight hair was the standard. Women of color working in the television news industry are not allowed to deviate from script.
“Curly or straight, in locks or natural or in braids” shouldn’t be a consideration, she told Yahoo.
Collins wanted to inspire other Black women who are often told their hairstyles were unprofessional. She shared photos on Facebook showing off her new do.
The anchor’s brave choice comes after several Black women around the country have taken bold strides in pushing back against racist bias against Black hair. Anchor Brittany Noble-Joneswrote a scathing essay calling out the industry and Atlanta 11 Alive Francesca Amiker wore faux locs in solidarity. As mentioned before, Walkerwore braids. There is a change in the air and Collins wants Black women to embrace it.
“Be yourself, the world will adjust,” she said. “Go through the proper channels and don’t feel like you don’t have options to take action against those who may have wronged you.”
Bisi Fayemi, wife of Ekiti state governor, Kayode Fayemi, says she is appalled by the number of women who have come out to shame and condenm wife of singer, Timi Dakolo, who recently accused the Senior Pastor of the Commonwealth of Zion Assembly COZA, Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo, of raping her when she was 17.
In an article she shared online, Mrs Fayemi says the culture of shaming rape victims and forcing them to silence their pain in Nigeria must stop. In her opinon, ”any adult who has a sexual relationship with a girl under the age of 18 is committing statutory rape, there is not such thing as consensual sex with a minor”.
Addressing the backlash Busola has received for speaking about the rape incident 20 years after, Mrs Fayemi wrote
”Over and over, supporters of the Pastor and some who claimed neutrality kept asking why Busola decided to speak up twenty years after the rape took place. Why is she speaking out now? Why did she not say something at the time? I could not believe some of the things people were saying, including those who ought to know better. Busola Dakolo and her husband Timi received unprecedented support for their bravery, the court of public opinion seems to be in their favour. However, I could not help but wonder how we got to where we are, a society blissfully unaware of the war that has been waged consistently on the bodies of women and girls from one generation to the next. Women don’t talk about what happened to them as girls or as adults because of the implications – shame, stigma, punishment, rejection. I am even more appalled at the number of women who have added their voices in the shaming of Busola. If you cannot say anything to support another woman in pain, say nothing. Keep quiet. If you are a fan of the accused Pastor, support him if you want, but you don’t have to call his accuser names.
Mrs Fayemi went on to share stories of how she was almost abused when she was a child and how her gut as a child and her mother’s immediate stand saved her from being a victim
When I was ten years old, my mother brought a male teenage relative to live with us to help around the house. His name was Sina. He slept on a mattress on the floor with my younger brother, while I was on the bed with one of my young Aunts. One night, before I fell asleep, I felt my bed covers being pulled. I pulled them back up. It happened again and I did the same thing. The third time, I allowed the covers to be pulled off totally to be sure I was not making a mistake. I sat up and asked Sina what he was doing. He said ‘nothing’. I stayed awake for most of the night. First thing in the morning, I went to tell my mother. She did not yell at me. She did not scream and call me a liar. By the time I got back from school, Sina was gone and we never saw him again. We never had any male relatives live with us after that.
When I was in secondary school and home for the holidays, I was around thirteen at the time, I told my father I wanted to learn how to swim. There was this young man who lived next door, he used to run errands for my father, we called him Brother Lai. My father asked Brother Lai to take me and my Aunt to Airport Hotel, Ikeja, to teach us how to swim. My first swimming lesson was my last. Brother Lai held me from behind, teaching me how to kick my feet under the water, while at the same time pressing himself against me and touching me inappropriately. When I asked him why he was doing that, he asked, ‘Can’t I play with you’? The next day, when he came around for us to go for the next lesson, I refused. I never told my parents what happened, I just mumbled something about not liking water. I was afraid of causing trouble. I did not want Brother Lai to be sent away on my account, the same way Sina was frog marched to the motor park by my mother. I did not want my parents to think I was in some way encouraging these men to be inappropriate towards me. So, I said nothing, and just stayed out of Brother Lai’s way. Brother Lai had never given any indication that he was anything other than a respected older brother figure. I was however literally placed in his hands and he saw an opportunity and took advantage of it. That is what predators do, they wait for opportunities to present themselves and then they abuse trust and innocence. With hindsight, I shudder at the naivety of my trusting parents. I however learnt to appreciate my mother’s response to my claims, it could have gone differently. What if my mother had not believed me? What if Brother Lai had come into our house and I had let him in, and he had proceeded to attack me in my own home?
Pastor Biodun has since stepped down as the senior pastor of COZA. Busola on her part has reported the case to the police.
“You need to have empathy for your husband’s failings.”
Many of the lies we’re told as wives treat men as if they need us to take responsibility for their walk with God, we need to help men with their “normal man issues” (ie lust), we have to treat them with kid gloves, we have to accept their emotional immaturity, and we have to behave perfectly or they just can’t help themselves from being “harsh” with us.
Why is it okay for Christian men to have fragile egos, to be out of control with their sexual lust, to be immature in their own relationships with God, to be emotionally clueless, and to have to be taken care of like children?
God doesn’t want men to stay in weak, fragile, immature emotional states, needing to be coddled. He also doesn’t want men who are cruel, abusive, petty, controlling, entitled and selfish. He wants men to grow up, take responsibility for themselves, love others selflessly, have self-control, be kind, compassionate and patient, and know Him deeply.
In a healthy marriage, both spouses support one another to follow God, but each person takes full responsibility for their choices, behaviors, maturity, and who they are as a person.
When a wife is expected to take on this responsibility for her husband, she is being told to carry a burden that’s not hers, and to participate in a belief system that limits his ability to grow into the man God created.
In addition, women are expected the carry the entire emotional load of the marriage and are held responsible for the emotional climate of the marriage.
What a disservice to men who are capable of so much more than is expected of them.
“It’s amazing to me how scriptures are thrown at us and we told we are not doing enough, all the while NOTHING is said to our husbands. When are these people confronting the husband with Bible about their behaviors?”
— Covert Abuse Survivor
This is part five of the series: Unraveling Spiritual Abuse and Lies Abused Christian Women Struggle With
Let’s take a look at some of the damaging rubbish covertly abused women have been told about their roles in their husband’s lives.
As we go through the following lies, remember to compare them against the 4 Cs:
The Character of God
The Consistency of what the rest of the Word says
The Context of the scripture in the book it’s in
Common Sense
YOU CAN SAVE HIM (HIS SPIRITUAL LIFE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY)
I was told I needed to stay because I could be the one that leads my husband to God.
I was told ‘Maybe God put that toxic person in your life to help that person see the God in you.’ ~ Covert Abuse Survivors
Does anyone see the craziness here that most of the women who are being told these things are married to men who confess to be Christians? Why would a Christian man need to see God in his wife when he supposedly already has the Spirit of God in him?
But even with men who aren’t claiming to be Christians, God never calls a wife to sacrifice her life to help her husband “find God.” An abusive husband will not find God by being allowed to abuse. A wicked man needs to see his sin and his desperate need for God to change his evil and deceitful heart, not to be allowed to continue in his wickedness.
God has great love, mercy and grace for those who sin in ignorance, and this love will draw a repentant sinner to Him.
But abusers are not sinning in ignorance. They know what they are doing and continue to do so because they feel entitled. This type of prideful, wicked man needs to be brought to his knees before God, humbled, and shown that God hates what he’s doing.
The wife should never be sacrificed for a husband who is rejecting God in every way.
“So what about that Scripture in I Peter directed urging wives to attempt to ‘win’ their disobedient husbands? I would say that the Scripture references a man who is ‘disobedient to the word,’ which likely references an unbeliever. He is not described here as wicked. There is a huge difference. It also says, he ‘may’ be won; not ‘will.’ There is no promise there, only a hope, and if a husband turns, praise God! But what if this man is not merely disobedient, but evil? And what if he is not ‘won over?’ What if the man has no intention of changing and, in fact, appreciates the power he holds over his respectful, submissive wife?”
— Cindy Burrell
YOU NEED TO GIVE GOD TIME TO WORK IN HIS HEART
How long is enough? 1 year, 5 years, 20 years? 40 years? How long do they expect her to live in torment, be destroyed to her depths, live with chronic PTSD, and risk her health? How long are her kids expected to live in a home with abuse?
If he was seeking God as he should be (or pretends he is), nothing could prevent God from working in His heart. God answers genuine prayer for heart change, but someone who’s not truly seeking God will stand still, and no amount of time will help.
Do not cast your pearls before swine and do not give what is holy to dogs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matt 7:6)
People who say this are exalting the life of one wicked man over the lives of his family. Clearly, they value men more than women and children
“Jesus… didn’t go chasing after those unwilling to receive the gospel, but rather instructed the disciples to ‘shake the dust off their feet as a testimony’ against entire towns unwilling to receive His message, and our Lord Himself adjures us not to attempt to spiritually invest in or make ourselves spiritually vulnerable to the hard-hearted.”
— Cindy Burrell
YOU NEED TO PRAY HARDER, THEN GOD WILL BLESS YOU
What an arrogant assumption to make, that we aren’t praying hard enough or respecting our husbands. So often, abused women are treated like little girls who aren’t wise in their own spiritual walks and who are to blame for the abuse. It’s sexist and insulting.
No amount of prayer will overcome an abuser’s free will to resist God’s work in his life and remain abusive.
GOD SAYS WIVES MUST BE SUBMISSIVE
I was told that I wasn’t being submissive enough. ~ Covert Abuse Survivor
Submission will not stop an abuser from abusing. In fact, being more submissive to abuse will continue the abuse, not stop it. Only people who don’t care about the well-being of a woman will tell her to submit to abuse.
“Many foolish legalists teach that humble submission to a cruel, abusive spouse is somehow noble and godly, and presumes that the abuser is simply ignorant or needs our sympathy; that the abuser will be compelled to humble himself and change when confronted with their loyal spouse’s patient and unconditional love. What those same legalists either fail or refuse to recognize is that demanding a spouse to remain with an abuser only empowers him. He knows full well the way the Christian legalist system works and brazenly exploits it to accommodate his entitlement mentality and further the reach of his wickedness.”
— Cindy Burrell
Wives are not slaves to their husbands, required to submit to his will. When wives are told to submit, the rest of the scripture is being willfully ignored:
Submit one to another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph 5:21)
“The reality is that there are only a few Bible texts that focus on submission in marriage. One passage is in the Apostle Peter’s Epistle where he instructed a wife to be submissive to her husband (I Pet 3:1). Similar to the Ephesians passage on mutual submission, Bible interpreters often pay little attention when Peter stated ‘In the same way’ and ‘You husbands likewise.’”
— Tim and Annie Evans
When an abused wife is told to submit to her abuser, the husband is rarely also told to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Something’s rotten here, and it’s called sexism.
“Submission is not a straight jacket of mindless obedience; it is the freedom to serve the deepest needs of the other with all that we are. ”
In Part Six I will be discussing the patriarchal theology surrounding the man being the “head,” and submission in greater detail.
MEN NEED SEX SO YOU NEED TO GIVE HIM MORE SEX
I’ve been told, after saying that sex after he watches porn made me feel like a hooker, that I must love him unconditionally and submit to him in whatever he asks as long as I’m not sinning.
I was told I needed to have sex with him regardless of if I had reason to suspect his faithfulness, that if I ended up catching a disease from him, then at least I would have got it while doing the ‘loving’ thing. ~ Covert Abuse Survivors
This demeaning theology reduces men to nothing more than a physical creature with uncontrollable desires, and women to nothing more than an object to fulfill that lust.
Men are so much more than that, but their sexuality, as God created it, has been diminished and warped though pornography and the constant sexualization and objectification of women that they are inundated with their entire lives.
God created sex in a marriage as a reflection of intimacy, not as a physical act to satiate the need of the man.
If a man has so little respect for his wife that he is happy to use her for his own pleasure without even caring if she’s enjoying it, let alone if she’s emotionally safe, present and happily participating, he’s no better than an animal.
We were created higher than the animals and it’s time we held men to the same standard that God does. Come on, men, have some self-respect!!!
“When Christian teachers repeatedly and consistently say that all men lust and that temptation is normal, this paves the way for dysfunctional marriages and normalizes sexual sin. What do you think happens to men who are told that they have a need for physical release that their wives must provide, and that if they’re not given sex, it’s not men’s fault if they stray? You end up with men who feel entitled to sex and women who feel used.”
— Sheila Wray Gregoire
I know of husbands who haven’t had sex for over a year because their wives were healing from childhood sexual abuse trauma, and sex was scary and unsafe. How did these men do this? Because they LOVE their wives with sacrificial love and want the best for their wives.
Did they blowup and die from lack of sex? Nope. Did they have affairs because they felt entitled to sex? Of course not. Did their man-parts fall off? Nope.
They were just fine because they are loving men acting as God designed them to.
Did their marriage blossom because the wives felt deeply loved, cared for and respected? You bet. And this is what a loving marriage is meant to be– a relationship where both people are respecting and honoring each other.
YOU NEED TO LEARN TO KEEP THE PEACE
I was told that a Christian wife is supposed to assume the best and should forgive, forget, and move toward her husband for the sake of peace. ~ Covert Abuse Survivor
No wife can make her husband live at peace with her if he chooses to be abusive. Period. These kinds of lies show a lack of the most basic understanding of boundaries, abuse, and our inability to change another person. Unfortunately, this lack of understanding is common in Christianity and is used to blame victims.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Rom 12:8)
Wives are expected to be the ones to keep the peace to make up for the husband’s unwillingness to live peaceably. There are several ridiculous assumptions here:
it must be the wife’s fault he’s not being peaceable
a wife can actually change her husband
men must be incapable of living at peace if it’s up to the wife to do it (as if they’re some kind of animal that we have to tame)
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. (Mt 5:9)
The Word tells us to be peacemakers not peace keepers, and there’s a big difference. A peacemaker works actively to create peace where there is conflict. A peacekeeper avoids doing things that will disrupt peace, such as standing up for herself.
When abused women are told to be peace keepers, they are expected to be doormats and accept abuse. They are being told to deny their basic need for emotional safety.
An abused women usually needs to leave the abuser to be a true peacemaker for herself and her children, for there is no way to make peace with an abuser.
YOU NEED TO HAVE COMPASSION/ EMPATHY FOR YOUR HUSBAND’S FAILINGS
Abusing your wife is not a failing or a mistake. It’s a choice a husband makes to harm the wife who he’s supposed to love.
Our empathy and compassion are what’s kept us in the abuse for so long. Abusers are skilled at playing the victim and getting sympathy. They have been playing on our kindness and goodness for years to manipulate us.
Abusers don’t change from empathy, but our empathy prolongs their abuse.
We’ve spent years, if not decades, having compassion on our husbands and believing their excuses.
We’ve had compassion when they say they can’t help it, and believed them when they promise to change.
We’ve believed them when they’ve said we aren’t understanding enough, or are asking too much.
We’ve believed them when they’ve blamed us for their behavior.
In our empathy, we have minimized their abuse and its effects on us and our children.
It’s a terribly confusing thing to be told to have compassion for someone who is intentionally hurting us, and it makes no sense.
When someone knows that what they’re doing is hurting us, and they continue to do it anyway, what is there to feel empathy for?
We are being told to take the side of abuser against our own selves!!
When we can identify abuse as the betrayal of our love, heart, emotions, mind, and soul that it is–wickedness, as it’s called in the Bible– we’re walking in truth.
In the Bible, wickedness is not handled with compassion and empathy. It’s called out and removed from the church because of the damage that wolves do.
“Jesus did not treat all people the same. To the seeking and downtrodden, He offered hope, grace and healing. Yet, the arrogant legalists, those who put on a good show but whose hearts were hardened to the things of God, He very harshly condemned. When they tested Him or crossed Him, He was neither gentle nor accommodating toward them. He called them out for their hypocrisy.”
— Cindy Burrell
The most compassionate thing we can do for an abuser is to give severe consequence in the hopes that they’ll choose to repent.
BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT HIM
Believing the best works when someone hurts you out of ignorance, or snaps at you because they’ve had bad day. When someone has shown themselves to be a loving person with your interests at heart, believing the best when they make a mistake is a loving thing to do.
But abusers don’t have their wives best interest at heart. They are manipulative and hurtful and there are no good intentions to believe in.
YOU NEED TO BE LIKE JESUS TO YOUR HUSBAND
When I was told I needed to be like Jesus to my husband, I wondered ‘Why doesn’t he be Jesus to me then?’ ~ Covert Abuse Survivor
When we’re told we need to be like Jesus, they’re referring to the loving, gracious, merciful Jesus who has forgiven us for our sins. But they also think of Jesus as a namby-pamby weakling who takes abuse and never says a word.
Jesus doesn’t turn a blind eye to sin and wickedness. He doesn’t offer grace to the abuser over justice and safety for the victim. Jesus came to free the abused and is vehemently opposed to oppression.
Being more like Jesus is great advice for a woman who is ready to stand against oppression, who is ready to grab some metaphorical whips and set some boundaries or walk away, but we know that’s not how it’s meant when this is being said to abused women.
TRUTH ABOUT WIVES
We are meant to be in loving relationships with our husbands. We are beautiful, strong capable, smart, wise women. We are loved by God. We are upheld by Jesus and seen as valuable and equal. Yet we are oppressed and held back, treated like children.
When God created wives (ezer kenegdo), he created a spouse for the man who is a strong and bold source of help in trouble, and a partner that will help him become all that God wants him to be. The Hebrew word ezer is a combination of two roots: `-z-r, meaning “to rescue, to save,” and g-z-r, meaning “to be strong.” In other passages, it is used to describe the Holy Spirit.
In a loving marriage with a man who will take responsibility for himself, our love, respect, truth and spiritual presence will be received. Our voice will be heard. Our feedback about our husband’s weaknesses will be appreciated.
We will be honored as the ezer kenegdo. We will grow with our husband into all Christ created us for.
Anything short of this is not God’s will for us.
I have worked with hundreds of abused women. I see that you are loving, caring, truthful, loyal, Godly, committed wives. You’ve worked hard, trying to make your marriages work for decades. You’ve sacrificed yourself for you marriage and children. You’re the kind of wife that any God-loving man would be blessed to have.
Yet you’ve been blamed, misunderstood, and betrayed for following God by rejecting abuse.
Every time one of you lovely, strong women is shunned and accused, the enemy kingdom rejoices, and the church– the very body of Christ– suffers.
But I know that you are strong, brave, warriors, and beautiful daughters of God.
And I also know that when you see Jesus face to face, He will say with tears, “Well done, good and faithful servant. It was never Me who rejected you. Come rest in My arms.”
If you’ve experienced covert psychological abuse and spiritual abuse, come join our private Facebook group for women of faith who are covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors.
