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5 TECHNIQUES TO HELP YOU BECOME A FAST LEARNER

Have you ever sat down and tried to read for work or school and wondered if there was a way that you could learn the material faster and not forget what you’ve learned? I have great news, there is! Learning these five techniques will make a world of difference in how fast you’re able to learn your new technique, and how well you’re able to make it stick in your brian afterwards.

1. Measure a smaller unit of success

Let’s be honest, when it comes to learning new things it isn’t always a breeze. You start reading information and a few times you probably comes across something that confuses you or is an area of difficulty. No matter what you do, you just can’t seem to find a way to get yourself to learn the mater.

Your first reaction may be to try and figure out what you don’t understand all at once. When you do this, you slow the learning process down. One of two things will happen: you’ll either never learn to do them well or it will take you a long period of time to do so. Instead, deconstruct the new skill or technique into much smaller components and work on them individually until you can put them all together.

2. Drill one thing until it becomes a habit, then move on

Everyone has multiple areas in their life where they’d like to make some improvements. Maybe you want to change your eating habits to be healthier, go to bed earlier, or go to the gym consistently. Even if you’re committed and have the best intentions to work towards your goals, it’s just natural to fall back into old habits eventually.

Each day, train your mind to focus on one thing at a time so you don’t lose focus. When you do this, you stop your mind from going off into a million different directions thinking about all the other things you need to do. It’s overwhelming and can be discouraging. Once you’ve made a habit or reached a new goal you’ve been working towards, then you can move on to the next one.

3. Short periods of study every day is better than long, sporadic cramming sessions

We’ve all crammed our brains with information in a short period of time, especially in college the night before a test at 8 AM. But if you think about it, how much of that information did you actually retain several days later? Probably not much.

You learn best from repetition. If you sit down and try and study for 6 hours and then come back and try to review, there’s a pretty good chance you will have remembered very little. When you study a little bit each day, you’re able to go back and review information from a shorter time span which will help you learn faster. This requires will-power so be strong!

4. When starting, test many different methods; when growing, stick with one

When you’re starting out with something new, start testing out a bunch of new methods that will help you learn faster as well as one that you enjoy. When you find it lock it down and stick to it. You may find at some point that things are beginning to level out or you’ve hit a plateu. This will be the time that you take a step back and think about the place you’re currently in. Things have changed now, you have changed, it’s time to switch things up so you can keep progressing.

5. Debrief to avoid making the same mistakes

When you’re learning new things, you’re going to make mistakes along the way no doubt. It’s difficult for some, but this is an iportant time to ask for help from someone who can show you where the mistake was made and what you can do next time to avoid repeating said mistake. When you mess up, you’re going to want a second pair of eyes on you to help you out. Find that person that will guide and help you jump over those hurdles.

Hopefully you’ve found the 5 tips above helpful. You’ll notice a significant different in how quickly you learn new things. Remember, no matter how slow you’re moving, progress is progress. Good luck!

Author: Erica Wagner

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13 WAYS TO BE A MORE LOVING PARTNER

Most people mistakenly think that love is a feeling. Here’s the thing, they have it all wrong.

“You mean it’s not?” Gasp! “But when I see him, I feel butterflies, my heart flutters, and my knees buckle. If that’s not love, then what is it?” Those may be physical feelings, yes, but those feelings don’t amount to genuine love.

In order to be more loving, you have to understand what love truly is. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a Commitment. It’s an Action. It’s a Decision.

Those initial feelings–the butterflies, the heart flutters, and the buckling knees, are all part of “falling in love.” It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. It’s not planned, and it doesn’t last. It’s a short honeymoon period that ends if the relationship lasts for any length of time.

It’s understandable why we’re confused about love. Hollywood has put a spell on us. They have us believe that two people can fall in love in hours (look at The Sun is Also a Star ); or days (look at Titanic), or through emails (look at You’ve Got Mail), and a host of other spell-binding ways. But that’s not true love!

True, genuine love begins after the spell wears out, after the honeymoon ends and real life begins. This is great news! If we know that actually loving someone starts at the end of the buckling knees, then we’re prepared, we don’t give up. We don’t think, “Oh, no, it’s over! My heart doesn’t flutter anymore, and the butterflies? What butterflies?”

If you’re currently in a relationship that you feel is circling the drain, or one in which love has flown the coop, or so you think, then you’ve got a nice surprise coming. It doesn’t have to be over!

Read on and learn some of the doable ways in which you can learn how to love — become more loving, win your partner back, and enjoy a satisfying relationship. Once you know what genuine love looks like, it will be easy to implement.

You might be thinking, This is too good to be true. And that’s fine, you can’t always help what you think.

But here’s the thing, it isn’t too good to be true. You can become a more loving partner by applying the following suggestions to your relationship.

Are you ready to become a more loving partner? You look ready to me. Let’s go!

1. Commit to Your Relationship

Decide that you are going to be in the relationship; that you are going to work toward its growth; that you will nourish it to the best of your ability.

Without that commitment, you don’t have the necessary foundation to build a loving relationship. That is why this first step is crucial.

If you have that commitment, read on.

NOTE: It’s never too late to make a decision to commit.

2. Invest Time

The workaholic who works 60 hours a week might say, “I love my family so much. I’m working hard to provide for them.” That’s not love. Remember, love is not a feeling; it’s not words. It’s an action that you decide to take.

M. Scott Peck, M.D., in his book, The Road Less Traveled, states,

“…love is an action, an activity.”

One of the most important ways to demonstrate love is to spend time with the person you love. After all, time is our most prized possession. You show someone you love them by spending quality time with them.

If you want to become more loving, find time every day to connect with your loved one. You can do this with a text, a phone call, or a lunch date. Be creative.

3. Communicate Your Love

There are countless and effective ways to do this. When my husband notices I’m in a hurry, he makes the bed for me in order to give me a few additional minutes in the morning. If I run out of a certain food I love, he stops at the store to pick it up; he saves the last of anything for me. If he never said the words I love you, I would still know he does. Clearly, his actions are speaking loudly.

Find ways to communicate your love through action. Bring home a treat, do the dishes, make dinner, leave a note in his favorite coffee mug, etc. Before he leaves for the gym, my husband takes off his chain and sets it on his nightstand. When he’s not around, I shape the chain into a heart and leave it for him to find. It always puts a smile on his face when he does. You get the idea.

As a writer, one of my favorite guidelines is, show, don’t just tell. By doing this, the writer provokes a reaction from their readers, helps them feel the emotion the character is feeling. This works in real life as well.

Take an action, however small, that SHOWS your partner you love them.

4. Be Spontaneous

Relationships can fall into ruts. Years together can dull the excitement felt in the beginning when everything is new. It doesn’t have to stay that way.

Spontaneity can liven any relationship. Imagine yourself walking into the kitchen, wondering what to make for dinner, not feeling like cooking at all. Suddenly, your husband walks in and says, “Take off that apron, I’m taking you out to dinner.” How would you feel? I don’t know, but I’m guessing you’d want to jump for joy.

Or you come home, see your partner sitting in front of the TV and say, “Let’s go, I’ve made reservations at a great Air B&B. Pack your bags.”

Spontaneity adds a thrill to any relationship. Try surprising your partner this week!

5. Acknowledge the Thoughtful Things Your Partner Does

One of the ways to be a more loving partner is to acknowledge all your partner does for you. You might be taking your partner for granted and not even realizing it.

Do you thank them for doing the laundry, walking the dog, making dinner, doing the dishes, working out, replacing the soap and shampoo before it runs out, etc? There are a million little things that keep a home going, and it’s easy to forget that someone is doing it. Acknowledge it.

My husband had just taken a shower one day when he said, “Thank you! I never have to worry that I won’t have shampoo, or soap. It’s always there. I really appreciate that.” I felt warm and fuzzy after hearing that. It made me feel very appreciated. Your partner will too.

6. Be Supportive

When I decided to go back to school to become a therapist, it would mean a great deal of sacrifice. I would eventually have to quit my job; come up with tuition money, and devote time for studying. My husband said, “You’ll make a great therapist. We’ll make it work.”

When I decided to write The Healing Alphabet, 26 Empowering Ways to Enrich Your Life, my husband said, “I can’t wait to read it. People will love it.” When I decided to cut my long hair, my husband said, “You’ll look really cute with short hair.” He has been supportive throughout our 33 years together. That support demonstrates his love.

In what ways can you be supportive to your partner? Maybe it’s supporting a hobby they have, or wishing them a fun girl’s day out, or being there for every music recital, etc. When you’re supportive, your partner will feel like they can’t fail. It will provide the encouragement they need to keep going and have fun at the same time.

7. Provide Space

Clinginess can ruin a relationship. Too much of anything can be deleterious to its survival. Yes, it’s good to spend time together. In fact, I recommend it, but it’s also good to find a healthy balance.

Providing space means you allow your partner to express himself/herself in the way they enjoy. Allowing your partner time with friends and family is important. You don’t have to be by their side 24/7. In the article 10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship by Scott Christ, he writes,

“We all need time to explore, reflect, and express ourselves individually.”

Create a space for your partner so that they can express their creativity. Let them be them without you. Remember, they were someone long before you came along.

8. Take the Good with the Bad

A good relationship takes a lot of work. The day you married your partner, you probably thought you’d hit the jackpot by marrying the most perfect being on this earth. That day, you didn’t think about the fact they kept you awake snoring, laughed like a hyena, scratched the wrong places in public, chewed with their mouths open, and who knows what else. You were just thinking about the trip to Bora Bora, how beautiful she looked in the dress, how handsome he looked in the tux, and what pretty babies you’d eventually have…

But like I mentioned earlier, the honeymoon will end. It always does. And then you’re left with the real stuff: the smelly socks on the floor, the dirty mugs in the sink, the crumbs on the kitchen table, etc.

Of course, I’m painting a bad picture. Maybe none of this has happened to you, and after 15 years you still feel like you hit the jackpot. Congratulations!

For the rest of you, understand that there’s no perfection. It doesn’t exist. Yes, your partner is going to annoy you. You probably annoy your partner. If you want to be more loving, look past the imperfections. Find a way to see it as quirky. It’s part of who they are, what makes them them. According to Jeff Auerbach, Ph.D, in his book, Irritating the Ones You Love, he writes,

“We may not be able to change who we fundamentally are, but we can do the best that’s possible with what we have.”

And that goes for both people in the relationship. Neither one of you is perfect. Be more loving by accepting the not so appealing, and bask in all the goodness they do provide.

9. Avoid Put Downs

Here’s the thing, when you’re in a relationship, you pretty much know everything about your partner–the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s easy to resort to put downs when you’re angry and upset about something they’ve done.

For example, let’s suppose they’re late for a movie. It happens. Don’t start in with, “Late again?! Jeez, you’re never on time, you moron!” Or, “No wonder your parents are disappointed by you!” Or “It’s a pleasure to meet the poster child for lateness!” And on and on.

What are you trying to accomplish? It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re having a constructive discussion. It actually sounds like a war in progress.

We have enough strife in the world. Don’t allow it to infiltrate your home. Speak with respect. Let love be the motivator, not pettiness.

10. Be Willing to Compromise

Relationships are partnerships. Often, one or both of the people involved forget that; they’re a little too self-absorbed, always wanting what they want when they want it regardless of how their partner feels.

Since all relationships require some form of compromise to be successful, the couple has to work as a team. It’s always a give and take; a quid pro quo; a back and forth between the people involved. “Hey, since we saw Shaft last week, how about we see A Dog’s Journey this week?” Both people are willing to give in to make their partner happy, even if they have to sacrifice a little bit.

A willingness to compromise can go a long way in creating happiness and feelings of well-being in the relationship.

11. Tell Your Partner 3 Things You Love About Them

My husband and I attended a couple’s seminar years ago. One of the exercises we were asked to perform was to walk around our partner while they sat in a chair, and tell them all the things we loved about them. It was an amazing experience. The focus was to be only on the good, on what you loved about them, what you admired, respected.

As the exercise progressed, the partner reciting all the compliments was reminded about why they were with that person to begin with. It was very powerful, and the feelings created from the exercise lingered for days.

12. Listen

You might think you’re listening, but next time your partner is talking, pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking? Are you really listening? Are you formulating your answer? Have you tuned out? True listening requires a great deal of effort, but it is a gift to the person who is feeling heard.

When you truly listen, the other person feels valued, important, like they matter. And isn’t that a gift you want to give your partner? It doesn’t cost a thing, but the dividends are priceless. True listening is the encapsulation of love.

Tonight, ask your partner a question, then really listen. Don’t get discouraged if your mind wanders for a spell, bring it back and re-focus. Your partner will sense your attentiveness and be ever so grateful.

13. Drop Old Issues

It might sound crazy to bring up past issues and hurts while in an argument, but couples do it all the time. It’s not uncommon for a partner to say, “Remember when you broke that vase and you said you’d replace it and you never did? You’re just as clumsy as ever!” The partner stares dumbfounded. “But that was 17 years ago! Why are you bringing that up now? Just because I accidentally dropped your cup and broke it?” You can see that this can quickly escalate.

There is no reason to bring up the past. Ask yourself: “What’s the point? What am I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to fix the problem or make it worse?” Old issues have no place in the present. Let them go. Concentrate on the here and now.

The bottom line is: make your relationship stronger, not weaken it.

Author: Rosanna Snee

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IBUKUN AJAYI: BE THANKFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS

In 2017, I had a major crisis that had me on an oxygen mask for days. The doctors didn’t want me moving about because of the oxygen I was taking, so again I had to pee via a catheter throughout my stay in the hospital.

***
I can go on and on about terrible experiences that I’ve had, but I choose not to dwell on those. We, as humans, always find a way to magnify our wants and needs above the things God has given us on a platter of gold! We fuss, compare and contrast. This forces us to overthink, and then we discountenance the things we have and long for those things that others have.

Has there ever been a time you wanted to get up from bed but you physically couldn’t? Like your mind and body wanted to get up but your legs couldn’t. And as much as you willed yourself to, the pain just wasn’t worth it and you had to lie there at the mercy of others, waiting for the next person who will come to check on you so you could ask for help? Have you ever wanted to pee so badly but you couldn’t? I don’t mean in a sense that you were pressed and there wasn’t a restroom close to you, but rather, your bowel was full and you were terribly pressed but you physically couldn’t get the pee out?

Has there ever been a time that you were hospitalized and the doctors needed to set a line for a drip and they couldn’t find a vein in your hands so they had to resort to using a vein in your leg or your neck? When was the last time you took a breath freely without the help of an oxygen mask?

Back in 2016 when I had my last surgery, for the two hours that I was being operated on, I was also being infused with fluids via a drip. Before the procedure started, they had injected me with anaesthesia on my spinal cord to numb my body from my waist to my legs.

After the surgery was done, and I had been taken back to my ward, I became pressed and needed to pee. The spinal anaesthesia they gave me hadn’t worn off and my brain had signalled that I needed to pee badly. But my waist down to my legs was still numb, so I couldn’t get the pee out.

The nurses tried using hot balm, hot water, massaging and a lot of other methods to wake up the lower part of my body so I could pee, but nothing worked. You can’t begin to imagine how painful and uncomfortable it was to be in that situation. To make matters worse – because everything they had tried didn’t work – I had to have a catheter inserted so I could pee.

I didn’t feel the pain at the time because of the anaesthesia but after the anaesthesia had worn off, I felt a sharp pain every time I tried to pee for the next few weeks. In 2017, I had a major crisis that had me on an oxygen mask for days. The doctors didn’t want me moving about because of the oxygen I was taking, so again I had to pee via a catheter throughout my stay in the hospital.

Throwback to 2001, I was 8 years old when I had a terrible crisis that required me to have blood transfusion immediately. The doctor’s searched over and over, but they couldn’t find a vein on either of my hands to use. When they suggested looking for a vein on my legs, I thought they were joking until they found one on my right foot and decided to use it.

I was not about to let them use my leg because I had never heard of it before or experienced it. The doctors tried to explain their logic but I wasn’t having it, so they had to call in backup. My uncles came and held me down by my arms and the nurses held down my left leg while the doctor inserted the cannula into the vein they had found on my right leg.

I was crying and screaming, and as I cried and screamed out in pain, my mum was crying because she just wanted me to get better. I walked with a cannula and drip in my leg for the length of time I was on admission in the hospital and it was not an easy task.

I can go on and on about terrible experiences that I’ve had, but I choose not to dwell on those. We, as humans, always find a way to magnify our wants and needs above the things God has given us on a platter of gold! We fuss, compare and contrast. This forces us to overthink, and then we discountenance the things we have and long for those things that others have.

All of this is because we don’t see the gift of life as a blessing, or the fact that we can talk, move about, hear and breathe freely every day as major breakthroughs.

Everyone should have dreams and goals but when life isn’t going as planned, don’t act as if that’s the zenith of all problems. The fact that you can get up in the morning should be a boost to your morale.

I know so many people who have attained all qualifications but can’t use them because they are confined to the four walls of a hospital room. I used to be one of them, and I would lie in bed thinking about all the things I could do if God would just give me a chance to.

I usually say that I’m not like everyone else. When you’ve experienced the kinds of things I have, you form an appreciation for the things the world deem as ‘little’. I have so many hopes and dreams, but like Korede Bello sang: “I wake up see today lasan, na God Win”.

If the people you are comparing your life with open up to you about their secret anguish and pains, you wouldn’t dream of walking in their shoes. What problem of yours is so great that the One who woke you up this morning and caused all your organs to function can’t resolve?

Someone once said, “A thinker is a thanker”. Lol. This simply means that if you can think of all the things you have that God gives you freely, you will be more grateful. A grateful person remains positive, and positive energy attracts positive results! Worrying and stressing has gotten no one anywhere great, so of what use is it? The good book says “if you’re faithful in little, you will be given more”.

Think about this: if you had to pay for the life you have and the air you breathe, could you afford it?

Source: Bellanaija

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TEMI OLAJIDE: HEY MUM, ARE YOU OVERWHELMED? IT’S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP

I remember my life as a young mum, having to take care of my toddlers and still go to work. On this particular day, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted and started to wonder if this was what motherhood was all about. How long was I going to continue like this? I felt so helpless that I broke down in tears.

This wasn’t the plan. I want to take care of my kids and also excel in my work as a mum. I discussed with my husband about how I felt and how he needed to help with school runs and some other things. Lo and behold, he agreed immediately. I then asked him why he didn’t suggest to help out all this while. I mean, must I get to this point before you help? He then said something profound, “You never asked for help.” 

Interesting!

Anyway, this is history. After that, I learned the act of asking for help, not just from my husband, but from anyone around me that could be of help, even if it will cost me money. I am happy to say that since then (over 10 years ago), my life has been less overwhelming.

Life as a mum can be pretty demanding and overwhelming. You are faced with basically the same routine and responsibilities on a daily basis. Having to cook, prepare the kids for school, do their homework, handling home chores and to cap it all, you have to work too.

Many times, we are so overtaken by all these demands and it starts to take a toll on your life. It starts to affect everything from physical appearance to emotions, mental health, and even your relationships.

So, how do you know you’re overwhelmed. Here are a few telltale signs:

  • You feel disorganized. Everything seems out of place at work and at home
  • You are anxious. You worry about everything, even the little things.
  • You don’t get enough sleep or you have difficulty sleeping.
  • Zero focus. You go through each day as it comes, you have nothing to look forward to. No drive or goal to achieve anything.
  • You feel depressed and unhappy.  You’re unexcited about life and even the small wins you achieve means nothing to you.
  • Health challenges start to surface. Frequent headaches, chest pains, high BP or worse, heart attack.

Tips to help you overcome being overwhelmed:

  • Feel free to talk to a friend or someone about how you feel and use any good suggestions given.
  • Learn to break down your tasks in order of priority.
  • Learn to say NO. It is better to turn down a request than take it up and not do it properly.
  • Learn to ask for help from family, friends or siblings so you can focus on other tasks.
  • Tell your spouse how you feel and how you want him to help.
  • Take time out to cool off, watch a comedy, listen to music, take yourself to lunch, watch a movie or just take a nap.

Having done all these, pray! Always rely on God for help, wisdom, and direction.

Benefits of not being overwhelmed:

  • Your mind is open to opportunities.
  • Your mind is free from self-imposed limits, you start to see solutions rather than problems.
  • Your mind is free of negative thoughts and feelings.
  • You have better chances to love and be loved by others.
  • You have increased energy to take action on your tasks/goals.
  • You have more time to spend with your kids and your partner.

As a mum, the less overwhelmed you are, the less stressed you are and the happier everyone is.

About the Author

Temi Olajide is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant and Child Psychologist.Co-founder of Association of Child Sleep Consultants of Nigeria and a member of International Association of Child Sleep Consultants.Founder of Mummyclinicc, an online platform that provides strategies & result driven solutions to the challenges of child rearing and helps mothers to successfully combine the requirements of life and motherhood while responding correctly to the peculiarities of the digital age. Temi is the author of Wi-Fi Kids and Analog Parents, a comprehensive book that equips parents on how to raise well-rounded kids in the digital age. www.mummyclinicc.com,Instagram @mummyclinicc

Source: Bellanaija

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HOW TO TURN A BAD ATTITUDE INTO A POSITIVE ONE

These days, the phrase “bad attitude” gets thrown around quite often. You use it regularly and barely stop to think what it actually means. It’s just the nail technician has some bad attitude when you asked her to redo your toes. Your younger sister has a bad attitude when you offered her to put her phone down while you are having a conversation. Your boss has a bad attitude because the deal did not go through.

With the ease that the label “bad attitude” gets applied these days, it is unlikely that you catch yourself saying “I have a bad attitude today.” Though having it is something that you rarely consciously admit to yourself, your own bad attitude is more impactful on you than the attitude of anybody else around.

Staying in a company of people with a bad attitude is something you can choose. It’s similar to an elevator that stinks when you walk in. You suffer for a couple of floors but then you walk out. And soon enough, you manage to erase the unpleasant encounter out of your mind.

Having a bad attitude is different. You don’t notice or pay much attention to a stink, because it’s yours. And, until you are able to identify and manage your bad attitude, you are a prisoner of it, unknowingly to yourself.

So it is not a semantics exercise when you try to put a finger on what exactly you call a bad attitude. It is, rather, the training of your mindfulness to notice when you are in your own stinking cloud and not letting it become your permanent company.

What If You Think You Know More Than Anybody Else?

Coming to a project, a team, a conversation with a sense that you are always right and that you know everything is a sign of a bad attitude. You can be indeed the most prepared and have the deepest expertise – that is not the point. In fact, being the smartest person in the room is often one of the coping mechanisms we often resort to.[1]

The problem with thinking that you know more than everybody else is that, in this mindset, you are not open to feedback or any new information that can be constructive to what you are trying to achieve. Your focus is on proving others wrong, without giving a chance to a possibility that others may actually have a point.

Come back to that nail technician who messed up your toes. She will be adamant pointing that your feet are crooked rather than admitting that she, a professional in this setting, did something wrong. With the huffing and puffing, she will redo your nails. But she may never see where exactly she made a mistake. You can be the same when you think you know more than anybody else.

Catch your bad attitude when you dismiss a piece of feedback, when you defend familiar ways, and when you discredit (even only to yourself) others’ experiences as invalid. At that moment, not only you are impossible to cooperate with. In this mindset, you block any opportunities for your own growth. With the need to maintain your status of know-it-all, you become stiff and blinded to things that can oftentimes benefit you.

From Know-It-All to Knowing Nothing

Once you’ve diagnosed that you are in your usual “know more than anybody else” mode, coming out of the stinky attitude starts with recognizing that sometimes, you might be actually wrong. And it may have nothing to do with the facts, figures, and dates. If anything, you are always spot on with your prep. It is about admitting that others may experience the same situations differently than you and therefore have their own truth, also different from yours.

Preparing to be wrong means understanding that all you know is actually a reflection of your experiences only, and not anybody else’s. Whether it is about personal relationships or business, you can be both right about your own vision of things and wrong about others’ at the same time. Realizing it makes you so much more open-minded, cooperative, and tolerant. And that’s quite a bit of an attitude change!

What If You Think It Will Fail Before It Begins?

Imagine that you perform your best version of an eye-roll and frustratingly ask yourself, “Why do I even have to go through it?” You are about to start something that, in your book, has already failed. Placing a verdict of failure on things, people, or events before they even had a chance is bad attitude!

Here are some examples. You think a meeting with your colleagues will be a waste of time before heading to it. So you mentally write it off and deliberate a way you can pretend participating while going through your own plans. You suspect that your partner will forget your birthday, and you decide to spare yourself from a potential disappointment. You book a restaurant in advance so there are no unpleasant surprises.

Anticipating a failure is a natural defense. Something uncertain is about to happen, and preparing for the worst is a way to control it. However, having a backup plan for the worst-case scenario is different than filing something as a failure in your mind before it starts. The former gives some room for things to turn out fine, with a plan B in the back burner. The latter already has placed the whole enterprise in a grave. No matter what destiny it could have had, you’ve already decided that it’s going to be grim.

When you decide to book a restaurant to prevent your partner from forgetting your birthday, you rip him of the agency he has in this situation. More so, you literally incentivize him to disappoint you next time. You do not believe in him from the start – so why convince you otherwise? And, as your know-it-all mode might kick in here too (see point above), you will inadvertently lead a situation into failure just to prove you are right. Double strike for bad attitude!

From Expecting Failure to Giving the Agency

Bad attitude coming from not believing in people is rooted in past disappointing experiences. Yet writing things off because others have let you down before is just bitter. You literally allow your past to dictate your future. You condition others that there is no way for them to please you, because you’ve already decided it’s going to be a failure. You also condition yourself to only notice disappointments, because that’s all you remember.

Turning this around requires letting others own their mistakes when they make them instead of trying to preempt them. Giving the agency to people you deal with and taking them in good faith means believing that they are doing their best. With that belief, you will be present to see that, instead of tending to the graveyard of failures that never happened.

What If You Criticize to Invalidate?

Let’s say, your team sends a presentation, and you see every bullet point that is not aligned well. Or maybe your friend tells you about her mysterious new boyfriend, and you find every inconsistency in his behavior. Attentive to details and analytical, one thing you do extremely well is finding holes in anything. Nothing that does not sit well skips your eye.

While your forensics skills came handy on more than one occasion, they’ve probably brought you into one particular trap: you can criticize something to completely destroy it. At first, it may seem like fun. Because look at you not letting any imperfection pass through! But then you just cannot stop. The more you discover, the more your inner detective gets both enraged but also aroused by an idea of finding more. It goes on until you stand in the middle of ruins, aggravated. “Couldn’t others see what I had to deal with just now?”

Bad attitude! You’ve just destroyed something into pieces without building anything in return.

How come is it a bad attitude when you just pointed at everything that is wrong with an idea? Well, your role in the whole undertaking is destructive, not constructive.

For someone you’ve provided feedback to – all you’ve done is invalidated that person’s vision (even for a good reason), which, without an alternative vision, leaves that person directionless.

For yourself, you have just spent time finding negative. Without rebalancing it with positive and offering ways how it might work, the net result of your effort is another confirmation that people do sloppy work, do not pay attention, let alone care.

From Destructive to Constructive

The only way to remedy this bad attitude caused by a detective syndrome is to take it for a rule that whenever you criticize – you offer an alternative. Literally! Do not like a sentence in a presentation – offer a rewrite! Do not like a proposed strategy, instead of stopping at finding problems, – find how the problems can be resolved.

A good attitude is whenever you are a critic, you are also a creator. This way, instead of being a party pooper to be avoided, you will be someone to come to for solutions.

You being constructive is not only important for people around. It is most important for you. So, between things that you’ve criticized to death and things that you helped to progress forward, the balance would always remain on the latter. Even after all the sadist pleasure you’ve derived marking up your teammate’s draft into a bloodbath, at the end of the day, you are the one who moves this draft to a next level, not throws it in the garbage.

What If Everybody Around You is a Problem?

There is a saying that:

“If everybody around you is a problem, you are a problem.”

Finding the culprits is a common strategy for masking a bad attitude. Yet this is the exact time you should turn to yourself.

If others have no clue what they are doing, perhaps it’s a good moment for you to examine your conviction that you know more than anybody else. If you feel like things are bound to fail before they even commence, probably it’s your desire to control everything taking the best of you. And, if you encounter more issues than solutions, it can be the case that the real issue begins with you.

Identify your bad attitude before pointing at anybody else’s, and you are halfway turning it around. Then, prepare to be wrong, give people ownership of their mistakes, and offer alternatives when you criticize, and that’s a much better attitude

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WOMAN WHO WENT BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL AT AGE 43, EARNS ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING DIPLOMA AT AGE 64

Randeka Nghonyama a 64-year-old woman obtained her National Diploma in Electrical Engineering during the Tshwane University of Technology’s Spring Graduations.

Nghonyama returned to high school at the age of 40, after dropping out in her youth.

In a Facebook post, the university shared Nghonyama’s inspiring story and it proved that no one’s dreams are invalid regardless of race, age or gender. At the age of 43 the woman graduated from high school and decided to take her education a notch higher.

Nghonyama initially wanted to become a nurse but did not qualify even after enrolling in several nursing colleges.She then decided to apply to TUT’s Electrical Engineering Programme in 2003 and was accepted.

It took the now-graduate 16 years to complete her studies but she did not once give up on her dreams. Her journey to graduation was far from easy and Nghonyama had to overcome several struggles including financial difficulties, attending classes with younger people and failing modules as a result of her age.

In 2010, she decided to take a much-needed break from her studies, only having one subject left to do. Nghonyama decided to register for her final subject in 2017.

“I wanted to prove to myself that despite coming from a tough childhood, I can do anything I put my mind to. As the older generation, we must go out and attain new skills, while the younger generation should keep pushing us,” said Nghonyama.

 

 

Credit: tuko.co.ke

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#MONDAYMOTIVATION| 5 STRATEGIES TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE AT WORK

Let me be honest with you: I was never a straight-A student.

Sure I had good grades, but they certainly weren’t anything special. And, because of this, my self-esteem and confidence levels were lower than many of my high-achieving friends.

However, I later discovered one of the keys to abundant confidence.

This discovery came about what I started to become interested in computer coding. As I began to learn how to code and to create programs, something unexpected happened — my confidence started to soar.

What was behind this sudden boost in confidence?

It was the self-reliance I was developing by overcoming issues and bugs with the code I was working on. By learning how to solve difficult coding problems, I learned the little-practiced arts of persistence and creativity; which led to a tangible uplift in my self-confidence.

As you can see from the above, confidence must be found from within. It can never be found from outside.

Working through difficulties is one of the best ways to develop your self-confidence. Each time you overcome a challenge or break through an obstacle — you’ll push your confidence a little higher than it was before.

So next time you find yourself struggling with a deadline at work or facing a financial challenge, be sure to meet them head on. With a positive mindset, you’ll be able to find ways to overcome these and other challenges. And, as I’ve already mentioned, you’ll be rewarded with a tangible boost to your self-confidence. You’ll also open the door to opportunities that can help you reach and exceed your goals.

Of course, as well as overcoming challenges, there are other ways that you can increase your confidence levels.

1. See Yourself as Equal to Everyone Else

Do you see yourself as equal to your line manager? How about your company’s directors? Do you see yourself as equal to them?

If you allow yourself to feel less than others, you’ll never reach your full potential. You’ll lack the necessary confidence to do the things you want and need to do.

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Instead of seeing others as more important than yourself, start seeing them as equals. One easy way to do this is to keep in mind that your manager, your company higher ups and even their leaders — are all on the same team!

You all want your company to succeed, and each person (including you) has their part to play.

2. Do the Right Thing

Have you noticed that when you do something morally wrong, you feel bad inside? But, when you do something good (perhaps helping someone out of a difficult situation) — you feel great!

So guess what?

The more bad things you do, the lower your self-esteem and confidence levels will drop. But, the more helpful and useful you are in your life, the higher your self-esteem and confidence will rise.

That’s why I recommend that you should always strive to be kind, compassionate and helpful. This will allow you to benefit the greater good — as well as benefit yourself.

3. Dress for Success

Imagine turning up to a job interview in T-shirt and jeans, only to find that the other candidates are all smartly attired in suits or dresses. I’m guessing you would feel a little embarrassed, a little out of place, and perhaps… a little deflated!

That’s why it’s always best to dress smarter than you might think is needed. This will always be better than looking underdressed.

But, how about your day-to-day appearance? Do you make an effort in a morning to make sure you look your best?

If you don’t; you should.

When you dress and groom well — you’ll feel good about yourself, too.

And, others will pick up on your confident manner and appearance, and will inevitably treat you with more respect (further boosting your confidence.)

As Friedrich Schiller once wrote:
“Appearance rules the world.”

4. Celebrate All Your Victories, Both Big and Small

You’re 15 years old, and you’ve decided you’d love to become a medical doctor.

To make this goal a reality, you discover that you’ll need to train for at least 11 years before you can gain your medical license.

Yes, 11 years!

Clearly, this is a HUGE commitment, and will take intense persistence, focus and energy on your part to reach your end goal

Now, let me ask you a question:

“Would you throw a big party when you finally got your license?”

I’m sure you would. And, you’d definitely deserve it.

But to keep you on track throughout your years of training, I’d suggest celebrating each milestone along the way. For example, throw a few parties… one when you complete your undergraduate degree program, one when you complete medical school, and one when you complete your residency training.

You could also reward yourself for the small but important steps that you take to achieve each of these milestones.

When you celebrate the big and small victories in your life, you’ll keep yourself pumped up, confident and enthusiastic for success.

Try it and see!

5. Always Be Prepared

Do you always expect the unexpected?

From my experience as an entrepreneur, I’ve learned the hard way that even our best and most precise plans can be blown out of the water in an instant!

For example, I remember many years ago pitching my Lifehack idea to potential investors. At one meeting, I whipped out my laptop to launch my prepared presentation, only to find that the machine was completely unresponsive. My impressive charts, data and business plan were trapped within a dead metal case! Fortunately, I was able to talk at length without notes about my idea, but I have to admit that I was knocked off balance by the laptop issue.

This experience and others taught me the value of always being prepared.

While it’s impossible to know exactly what’s going to happen in the future, you can at least be mentally prepared for things to go wrong, differently or even completely crazy!

So prepare for the worst — but expect the best!

As you can hopefully see from the strategies above, there are several simple ways to begin boosting your confidence right now.

But, it all starts with your mindset.

Shift this into positive gear, and begin seeing obstacles as opportunities for growth. Do this, and your self-confidence levels will hit the roof. You’ll no longer feel downtrodden and left behind. Instead, you’ll have the spark of life that allows you to achieve whatever you set your mind on.

Source: Lifehack
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HOW TO STOP DWELLING ON THE PAST AND MOVE ON FOR GOOD

If there’s a thing or two that pain will teach you in this lifetime, it’s how it feels to swim and how it feels to sink. We must learn both. We must make this discovery because without determining how much effort it takes to keep our head afloat, or even understand how it feels to hit rock bottom, we will not truly understand our power.

With that power, we can break away from the past and stop dwelling.

Dwelling on the past means reading the same chapter over and over again while expecting the ending to change. It’s reopening wounds and allowing opportunities for self-sabotage. Dwelling on the past is the biggest roadblock from moving forward, and life will move forward whether you’re on board with it or not.

No matter what we do, time will continue to tick, and days will begin to pass. The morning will turn to night, seasons will change, and years will pass with or without our consent. I get it, letting go is easier said than done. It may take some time, but the first step is the willingness to take that step.

“1. You must let the pain visit.
2. You must allow it to teach you.
3. You must not allow it to overstay.”
— Ijeoma Umebinyuo, three routes to healing

When you begin to recognize that it’s time to move on, then you are letting the universe know that you are ready to accept and welcome change. Change is nothing to be scared about, because without change, there is no flow.

Here’s how to stop dwelling on from the past and move on for good.

1. Remember You Are the Author of Your Own Story

Look at it like this – you are the author of your book; this book is your whole life, and you are writing it as we speak. In this book, there are chapters, and each chapter tells the story of that particular year. For example, chapter 14 is a chapter that tells the tale of when you were 14-years-old, and chapter 30 is when you were thirty-years-old. Like a novel, each chapter introduces a series of supporting characters and events that will shake up your world. These supporting characters come in the form of friends, lovers, colleagues, and family members, all who are here to help the growth of the protagonist.

Now take a look at this book and see which chapter you are currently dwelling on. How many chapters have you written since then? How many chapters have you written before that? Now, how many times have you dwelled on the same chapter expecting the ending to change?

We have the power to write the ending to whatever we please, but we must keep writing our story. No one else will write it and can write it for you. Always remember that.

2. Own Your Mistakes and Grow from Them

The true art of letting go is ownership. This includes owning up to the mistakes you have made, acknowledging the imperfections we all have as humans, and opening yourself to grow from them.

It may be a tough pill to swallow, but studies show that forgiveness can lead to lower stress and anxiety levels.[1] Forgiveness is a powerful tool for your self-gratitude.

3. You Can Only Connect the Dots Going Backward

In life, there will be moments when you realize that things had to unfold the way that they did. You will begin to understand why certain things didn’t work in your favor, but connection will become clear in due time.

Dwelling on the past also means resisting what’s in store for you. Trust the process and give yourself some credit for coming this far.

4. Better Things Await

Our energy may be finite, but the possibilities of what we can achieve in this lifetime are infinite. Remember that you are using energy when you dwell, when you worry, or when you become angry. What’s exhausting is focusing on things that are out of your control.

Letting go is easier said than done, but like the muscles in our human body, this takes time to build and trust. The beautiful thing about letting go is that you are making room for new things in your life.

Change does happen for a reason, and sometimes, it’s resistance that’s preventing it from manifesting.

5. Honor Yourself

When you look back on some of our life choices, are there a few that stand out? Ones that usually start with the phrase, “what if?”

Before we go down that never-ending rabbit hole, ask yourself if you were honoring yourself during that specific period of your life. The needs and wants when you were 23 are probably not the same priorities you have today. Our financial requirements, job expectations, qualities in a partner, and our life necessities all evolve with change. If there’s ever a moment you find yourself dwelling because of a decision you made in the past, remember that you were honoring yourself and what you needed then.

Let go, move on, and start honoring yourself today.

5. Get Inspired by Others

Who doesn’t love a great success story? Watching Ted Talks, Goalcast, inspirational documentaries, and reading autobiographies is a great way to fuel your inspiration. Every hero and successful leader has a story of their own. Stephen King’s first novel was rejected 30 times before being published, Vincent Van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime, and Steven Spielberg couldn’t get into his dream film school. One must go on a journey in order to find your life’s purpose.

Watch this inspirational speech by the co-founder of The Manifesting Academy, Sarah Prout, as she shares how she overcame 10 years of suffering and went from welfare to multi-millionaire:

6. Meditate on What You Want Today

As we change, our dreams can change. One way to stop dwelling on the past is to focus on the future, and that works if we live presently today. A vision board is an empowering tool to help you gain clarity by re-shifting your focus on your goals. You can never move forward by moving backward. You can only move forward if you have a vision to work toward.

Final Thoughts

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” — Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential.

Your past is only a part of you and by no means the definition of you. You are currently evolving, learning, and nourshing yourself to be the best version you can be. Learn from the past, but never live there.

Author: Arkuna Chargulaf for Lifehack

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WHO TOLD YOU THAT CHECKING YOUR DAUGHTER’S HYMEN IS GOOD PARENTING?

From time memorial, women have been faulted for having ‘bodies’ that ‘attract men’ and punished for men’s inability to keep their private parts to themselves or control their sexual urges. There’s a need to control women’s sexuality and diminish the power and confidence a woman has over her body. We have had many cases of mothers dipping their fingers into their daughter’s private part to see if they are still ‘tight’. In many villages, the act of ‘breast ironing’ is still a thing.

 

Social media has a way of exposing many anomalies; it not only amplifies the news, but also helps spark up discussions. So when T.I, an American rapper said on the Ladies Like Us podcast, that he takes his daughter, Deyjah Harris, for an annual hymen check, we knew we just had to discuss this.

According to T.I, he believes he is being an amazing father who doesn’t just educate his daughter about sex, but also takes the extra mile by ‘Hymen-checking’ her every year immediately after her birthday.

Does T.I know that aside from sex, women also lose their hymen as they grow, especially if they perform rigorous activities? Of course, he knows! Yet his hymen-checking instinct always gets the better of him once Deyjah celebrates her birthday. His need to ensure that his daughter remains a virgin supersedes the crime of privacy invasion, the knowledge and science of ‘hymen-losing’ in women and the emotional trauma he might be putting his daughter through. His need to also announce to the world about how good a father he is, also overrides the public embarrassment and the risk of future sexual assault his daughter might face in a world where men are swiftly aroused by the littlest information about a woman’s body and are quick to want to ‘pop a woman’s cherry’.

There are so many fathers like T.I.  Men whose sole responsibility is to police their daughter’s bodies while letting their son(s) run amok. You don’t need to look far before you find them – especially in your immediate environment.

We live in a highly patriarchal and misogynistic society. There’s this need for women to remain at the lower rung of the society – don’t be too successful so you won’t chase a man away, don’t dress this way so a man will not become sexually aroused, cover your body from head to toe so you don’t tempt a man, keep your virginity for your future husband. Keeping your virginity also extends to “it’s the greatest gift you can give your husband and he will respect and honour you for it”. It’s more exasperating that everything the girl-child is being told to do is not for herself, but for the pleasure of a man.

On the flip side, there is no need for male children to adhere to these rules. No one cares if they walk about shirtless or if their chest is tempting a lady. No one cares if they are virgins or not. In fact, it is almost seen as abnormal if a guy remains a virgin until his wedding night. If men are expected to be sexually active before their wedding and women are expected to be virgins, who then are the men having sex with?

In our society, when the female child is going to the university, she is escorted with words like “don’t have a boyfriend and keep yourself”. But these same parents give their male children packs of condoms and tell them “you can have enough fun, just be safe”. What’s with the double standard?

With the level of sensitization going on in the world, especially by feminists, one would hope that men (and women) will stop policing the bodies of women. It is awesome that you teach your child sex education, but it is appalling that you will invade her privacy and ask doctors to check to see if her hymen is intact. Not once. Not twice. Yearly!

Do you do this to your sons? No!

From time memorial, women have been faulted for having ‘bodies’ that ‘attract men’ and punished for men’s inability to keep their private parts to themselves or control their sexual urges. There’s a need to control women’s sexuality and diminish the power and confidence a woman has over her body. We have had many cases of mothers dipping their fingers into their daughter’s private part to see if they are still ‘tight’. In many villages, the act of ‘breast ironing’ is still a thing. Female Genital Mutilation is still rampant in some parts of the world – all of these are being done to ensure the woman remains a virgin. All these are being done to ‘protect’ women from the wandering private parts of men.

Perhaps if we raised our sons better, there’ll be no need to protect women from men.

History has also shown that this obsession to control women’s bodies is mostly done by men who are misogynist and sexually predatory by nature. Because of their many sexual escapades, they feel the need to protect their daughters from men like them. Men who are sexually irresponsible are quick to watch over their daughters like a hawk; they know what they do to other people’s daughters. In the process, they end up raising sons who are just like them – even worse.

How then can the world find a balance? And when are we going to find that balance? How do we teach women to grow up bold, lend their voices and own their power when they cannot even own their bodies? Their. Own. Bodies.

We cannot keep policing the girl child, pummelling her confidence over and over again while the boys are left to be who they want to be and reach their full potential.

This sexual purity culture meted out to only women needs to stop!

There are better ways to be a good parent: give your children sex education, show them the right/wrong and trust them to make the right decision.

If you cannot trust your children to make the right decision on sex, then perhaps as a parent, you haven’t done a good job in giving them sex education. T.I not only violated his daughter, but he also embarrassed her and set her up for future sexual assault.

Come to think of it sef. If, at the end of the hymen-checking routine, his daughter is ‘discovered’ not to be a virgin. What will T.I do?

If you are still confused about the hymen, then this thread will help you:

Source: Bellanaija

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HOW MY PAR-TIME JOB WAITING TABLES CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER

I was a senior in college applying for a waitressing job that I would only do until I figured out exactly what I wanted to do with my life. They told me this job would be part-time. They told me this job would have its ups and downs dealing with customers.

However, no one ever told me that table 13, table 31, or even seat number 2 at the bar would teach me more lessons than any professor or lecture I have ever had in school. What started off as a job to pass some time and save some money, turned into a year and a half full of friendships, conversations, and strangers that would change my life forever. Serving did a lot more than just put money in my pocket.

I will never forget the man that taught me just how short life is. He sat at table 23. The kindest man with the biggest smile ordered two appetizers, a salad, and a burger, all for a table full of just him. After acknowledging the appetite he had, he looked me in the face smiling cheek to cheek and said, “I have been terminally ill for years and I never lost my appetite.”

I was shocked, caught off guard, and slightly embarrassed that maybe I made him feel uncomfortable. After a small pause, I replied, “You look great.”

He smiled even bigger and said, “I feel great.”

He made me really reflect on how foolish I sounded when I called hitting a red light or spilling my drink “a bad day.” We have all been there. We title an inconvenient incident as a bad day, when in reality, it is nothing close to that.

I will never forget the man that taught me to make time for the ones you love before it is too late. He wore a beautiful necklace that was clearly cut in half. He sat at seat 2 at the bar. Being the curious romantic that I am, I asked who had the other half. He proceeded to tell me his wife wore it, but that he had lost her two months prior.

Again, feeling embarrassed, I stood there. If I never said anything about his necklace, I would have never known he had lost the love of his life. We kept talking and he told me that his kids lived far away and they hadn’t been with him much. It broke my heart in more ways than I could tell you.

I thought of my own father and how lonely he would be if I did not call or sit by his side when he was more alone than ever. I also thought about his kids. I didn’t know them but I was angry at them. They lost one parent and now they weren’t with the other one? I guess we are all guilty of that as well. Life gets in the way and we just kind of always expect our parents to be there, until one day they aren’t.

I will never forget the woman that taught me how important it is to have a beautiful heart and to always be kind. She sat at table 24. Nothing was wrong with her. No sob story here. In fact, she was beautiful, and she was pregnant. While table 23 was losing themselves and the man at the bar was losing someone else, this woman was bringing another life into the world.

The difference between her and the other two men is the way she spoke to me. She made it clear that I did not do my job well enough, and she made it awkward for everyone at the table: her, her husband, and myself. She made me shake in fear, and felt as if I did not have any place doing my job. She taught me that how you speak to people says more about you than it does about them. I couldn’t help but look at her stomach and wonder: How would she feel if one day her child was serving tables and someone talked down to them the way she did to me? I then felt bad for her. I felt bad that she was so hurt or angry in life that I had suddenly become the worst part of her day.

I will never forget all of these people because of the lessons they taught me. While I’m stuck at a red light, spill my drink, or continue on a morning that went wrong in every way possible, I will smile because of table 23. I will remember that I am alive, I am here, and there are people who would do anything to just have a bad morning that would end quickly after.

When I look at the clock and hours have passed without me calling my parents, I will think of the man at the bar. I will dial their number before they dial mine. I will leave them a message about how much I love them before they leave me a message about how much I hurt them. I will treasure my time with them before it turns into the time that we “had.” I will do this with all my loved ones. I will make sure those close to me know just how important they are before it is too late to tell them.

When I see someone not doing a job as well as they could, or even someone who is inconveniencing me in any way, I will remember table 24 and be kind. I will not forget that everyone is human, and that sometimes people have off days, and that is just fine. I will remember that a beautiful face does not last forever, but a beautiful soul and heart lives on far longer than we do.

Serving tables introduced me to these three people, along with many, many more. It taught me lessons that a textbook cannot teach. Serving tables did a lot more than just put money in my pocket.

About the author

I only write for people that I am close with. I want to change that. Follow Kaitlyn on Instagram or read more articles from Kaitlyn on Thought Catalog.Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page.

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