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5 Reasons Why You Should Not Give Up on Love

Looking for love is an exciting adventure. You get to meet new people, go out and have fun dates, and maybe, just maybe, meet the love of your life.

But dating can also be a huge bummer, and there are times when the journey is more frustrating than fun, especially as you get older. Instead of focusing on having an enjoyable night out, you’re wondering why you can’t seem to find Mr. or Ms. Right.

To get a great relationship, you have to be willing to put in the work. But what should you do when you feel yourself giving up on love?

Don’t let your desire for love burn out! Here are six reasons you shouldn’t give up on love.

1. Love Teaches Lessons

Going through another failed relationship can be a frustrating, heartbreaking, and depressing experience. But remember that timing is everything. Just because that love is over doesn’t mean love is over for you.

Instead of viewing your failed relationships as wastes of time, make a list of everything you learned from that relationship.

Perhaps you learned how to talk about your feelings and be vulnerable with someone else, and maybe you learned that looks aren’t everything.

If the relationship was a toxic one, maybe you learned that you’re stronger than you think.[1] Maybe you learned what you don’t want and will not tolerate in your future relationships.

Whatever the case may be, take the lessons that love gives you and treasure them.

2. You Have the Time to Grow

Your single years are all about learning who you are and growing from each experience you go through.

If your ultimate goal is to get married, why not use this time to grow and develop skills and traits that would make you a great husband or wife?

For example:

  • Can you cook?
  • Do you have a job?
  • Can you handle your finances well?
  • Do you have your own house/apartment?
  • Are you patient?
  • Do you know how to express your feelings well?
  • Do you have selfish tendencies?

These are better than simply giving up on love. Now is the time to do some self-exploration and work out who you want to be for yourself, your friends, family, and your future partner.

3. Now Is the Time for You

There is no better time to be a little selfish with your pursuits, energy, and focus than while you are single. Now is the time for you to take strides toward your dream career, to travel, and to focus on your social life.

Of course, you can still do these things when you are in a relationship, but love has the potential to be limiting.

There’s no doubt that it’s worth it, but you can’t travel the world for months on end when you’re helping your partner pay a mortgage or raising a family. At least, you can’t do it as easily as you would when you are single.

Friendships are also important. These are the people who have supported you through every good and bad decision you’ve ever made. They were your shoulder to cry on when your relationships ended, and your dates ended up being duds.

Use this time as an excuse to focus on yourself and find out who you are when you aren’t part of a “We.”

Not only will this be good for your mental health and personal growth, but your confidence in yourself will also be incredibly appealing to your future partner.

4. You Deserve More Than Settling

If you want to find real love, you must be willing to stick it out for your perfect person instead of settling! When you wait to find that perfect person for you, you ensure that your personalities will gel.

Finding real love is about:

  • Spending quality time together
  • Learning the art of communication
  • Sharing similar goals and beliefs (though- they say opposites attract!)

Finding real love is also about finding someone you’re attracted to, who makes you laugh, and respects you.

If you haven’t found that yet, then why settle? You deserve the best relationship possible, so don’t give up on love yet. If it takes waiting a little while longer to find someone who hits all the checkmarks on your list, why not wait?

5. Things Worth Doing Are Rarely Easy

Think about it. The best things in life – the things that make you feel accomplished, proud of yourself, and inspired to do better are always difficult;

Getting a degree, running with endurance, getting fit/losing weight, breaking a bad habit, learning something new like scuba diving or how to speak another language…

These are all things that take time to accomplish, but you feel so satisfied when you’ve completed that challenge.

The same can be said for finding the right relationship. Deciding to wait for someone who fulfills you instead of dating the first person who asks all because you’re lonely takes strength.

It takes courage to break up with someone you love but who is ultimately bad for you. It takes effort to be patient. But you’ll be glad that you did.

Final Thoughts

Finding love isn’t always easy. It can be discouraging and may even feel like a full-time job sometimes – but don’t give up!

Resilience is the key to finding love. Enjoy the journey and focus on self-care and personal growth and absorb the lessons each relationship and each new date has to teach.

Source: Lifehack.org

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How To Stop Nagging And Communicate With Your Partner Better

Asking for the same thing over and over again isn’t fun for anybody. Repeating yourself makes you feel like a nag and makes them feel bad about themselves. Not to mention, it drives you both crazy.

So, how do you break the cycle of nagging?

Learning how to quit nagging and start talking isn’t as complicated as it seems. It’s all about opening up those lines of communication and adjusting your expectations.

Keep reading for 6 easy steps on how to stop nagging and learn how to open a healthy dialogue with your spouse.

1. Watch Your Words

It’s natural to feel exasperated if you feel your spouse isn’t pulling their weight around the house, but the last thing you want to do is put your partner on the defensive. How can you avoid this? Simply put, listen to the way you’re asking your partner for help.

How you think you’re saying things: “Honey, I would really appreciate it if you did the dishes while I’m at work.”

How you’re actually saying things: “How are you so oblivious that you don’t even see those dishes piling up while I’m at work?”

As we can see from this example, your words and the way you make requests of your spouse matter. Instead of making them feel guilty or belittled, phrase it in a way that makes them feel good.

“I would really appreciate your help with…”

“It always makes me feel good when…”

“You’re my hero when you…”

The above openers are great conversation starters.

2. Don’t Believe in Mind Reading

Men and women have a terrible habit of believing that, after a time, their spouse knows them so well that they should be able to understand what they want without ever having to tell them. This is a cute thought but rarely is it ever true.

Any marriage therapist will tell you that your spouse cannot read your mind. If you need something from them, you need to learn to ask for it.[1]

You can start by sending out little cues that you want X or Y, but if they don’t catch on by the time you get to Z, it’s time to start communicating with your words.

Not only does this save your spouse from playing a guessing game, but it also saves you a lot of frustration.

3. Make It a Shared Decision

One way to stop nagging and start being proactive is by getting your partner involved.

Problem-solving isn’t something you should do on your own. When you are married or in a serious relationship, you are partners, not parents to each other.

What your job isn’t: Mummying your spouse and telling them what to do.

What your job is: To come together as a couple and work at healthy conflict resolution. Identify the problem you’re having in a kind and respectful manner and then ask your partner to weigh in on how to resolve the conflict at hand.

The keys to great problem-solving are empathy, communication, and listening to each other.

4. Take a Marriage Course

The need to nag comes down to a fundamental lack of communication in a relationship.[2] When both partners are open and honest about their needs, conversation flows, and partners look for ways to help each other out – instead of being told to do so.

Instead of seeing a marriage therapist, why not take a marriage course?

There are plenty of online courses designed to help couples understand each other better. Topics covered in a popular online marriage course include setting shared goals as a couple, building compassion and empathy, mastering the art of communication, intimacy, and making and sharing traditions.

5. Get Your Partner to Hear You

No partner wants to be a nag, and the argument could be made that if the spouse or child did what they asked the first time, they wouldn’t have to keep bringing it up, which effectively stops nagging.

A fair point!

But harping at people doesn’t usually get the job done – so how DO you get someone to listen without nagging them?

The best way to get your partner to listen to you and avoid ending up in a marriage course for couples on the brink of destruction is to get them to see things from your perspective.[3] Relate your situation to something they can understand.

One stay-at-home mom and homemaker worked hard to keep her house neat and tidy, but her construction worker husband would come home and walk through the freshly mopped hardwood floors with his dusty work boots on. She asked him to take his boots off repeatedly, but he could never seem to follow through.

One day she said to him, “Keeping the house clean is my job, just like doing drywall is your job. When you come home and walk through the house with your boots on after I just finished cleaning it, it’s as if I came to your construction site and ripped down the drywall you put up that day. Do you see how I could find this to be frustrating?”

The wife used an example the husband could understand, and so he became more empathetic to her desires.

6. Do It Yourself, If Possible

As they say, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”

To decrease nagging, ask yourself whether what you’re about to say is worth getting upset over and whether it’s worth taking the task into your own hands.

Sure, it’d be nice if your spouse refilled the compost bag so you don’t have to do it, but the next time you’re getting ready to nag about it, ask yourself: Is a compost bag worth starting World War III over?

If you want to break the cycle of nagging without ending up in the office of a marriage therapist, you need to learn how to rephrase your requests. Speak respectfully and work on building empathy in your relationship. A marriage course can also help build communication and work on your conflict resolution skills.

Final Thoughts

Communication is key to any relationship, and it’s especially more important for partners. Sometimes, a person may feel like they’re communicating properly, unaware that their partner is already hearing them nagging. These 6 tips will help you stop nagging and communicate better with your partner.

Source: Lifehack.org

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8 Ways To Develop Self-Belief

Many people believe that a strong belief in one’s self is something we are born with. This suggests that people without self-belief can never develop one and are stuck living with having low self-esteem.

This, however, is wrong. self-belief is something that can be developed and rebuilt if lost.

So, if you do not believe in yourself or have lost your self-belief, remember that you can regain it with the right steps and actions.

For the importance of self-belief, circumstances that can make a person lose her self-belief, and how belief in one’s self can be redeveloped, keep reading below.

Why is Self-Belief Important?

As the name suggests, self-belief has to do with how much a person believes in herself. It encompasses the belief in your values, skills, knowledge, and abilities. Self-believe is very important because it affects a person’s lifestyle and choices.

A person without self-belief will constantly downplay their abilities while settling for less than what they deserve. Most times, the individual takes whatever blow life deals because they do not believe that they deserve better.

On the other hand, a person with self-belief knows their worth and value.

For instance, when people with no self-belief see a job vacancy with the skills they possess, they may pass up on it or apply half-heartedly because they believe that they are not good enough for the job.

People with self-belief, on the other hand, will pursue the job wholeheartedly because they believe that they are well-qualified for the job.

In the end, people without self-belief may end up working a low paying job and living at the mercy of others for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile, people with self-belief will move from that job to a better one and might eventually get to the peak of their careers.

This example shows that while self-belief might seem small or inconsequential, it can affect our entire lives both directly and indirectly.

Self-belief motivates people to explore their potentials and this motivation may lead to the achievement of goals and aspirations.

Why Do Some People Lack Self-Belief?

No one is born without self-belief. Most times, we find ourselves in certain situations and circumstances that can negatively affect our self-esteem – either temporarily or in the long run.

To rebuild your self-belief, understanding the circumstance that made you lose it can help you learn how to proceed.

Here’re some common causes of lack of self-belief:

1. Unhappy Homes

Growing up in an unhappy home can reduce a person’s belief in herself. This is because as kids, the way you are treated by others, especially by your family, majorly influences the way you view yourself.

Kids who grow up with parents who never commend or congratulate them (but complain and tear them down) grow up lacking confidence in themselves.

2. Negative Peers

Being surrounded by people who constantly discourage you and make you feel like you are not good enough can make you lose confidence in yourself.

Sometimes, your peers may even convince you to do things you are not comfortable with and when you refuse, they may say and do things to make you feel odd. In order to fit in, you may find yourself abandoning your morals and values to please them. This can damage a person’s self-belief in the long run.

If you have a hard time distancing yourself from negative peers, reading this article about avoiding negative people may be helpful: 10 Reasons Why You Should Avoid Negative People

3. Traumatic Experiences

Physical and emotional abuse can tear down a person’s self-belief. If you have a partner who makes you feel like you are not good enough to attract and keep their attention, it may extend to you feeling like you are not good enough for anyone or anything.

Also, people who experience physical abuse may suffer from depression and anxiety, which will gradually eat away their self-esteem. Eventually, such an experience will make them feel unworthy of their goals.

4. Bad Decisions

Some bad decisions made in the past can affect a person’s belief in herself and cause them to doubt their ability to make decisions in the future. This mostly happens when the decision made turns out to have consequences that affect not just the person but also their loved ones.

For instance, a mother decides to move abroad with her children in hopes of finding greener pastures for them, but the father disagrees. After arguing for a while, the father gives in and loans some money to sponsor the trip. When they travel, the mother is unable to find a good job so her plan fails.

The failure of this plan, the disappointment, and the losses incurred might make her doubt her ability to make the right decisions in the future.

5. Negative Thought Patterns

If you always think of the worst-case scenarios, especially when it comes to yourself, chances are that you will lose confidence in yourself.

If before a job interview, the only thing you can think of is all the mistakes you might make or how you might not be as good as other candidates, you will most likely take in that energy and discourage your interviewers.

Over time, such negative thought patterns might lead you to feel unworthy and inferior to everyone else. That is why you need to think positively and eliminate negative thoughts.

How To Develop Self-Belief

Once you understand the reason behind your lack of self-belief, you can proceed to work on how to build it.

Here are 8 ways to help you develop self-belief.

1. Know Who You Want to Be

When self-doubt or self-pity is not eating at you, who would you like to be? If you were not afraid, what would you do?

Boldly answering these questions is the first step to rebuilding your self-belief. This is because the doubts and negative thought patterns, over time, bury the real you along with your goals and dreams.

To gain self-belief, you need to work towards these goals while pushing away low self-esteem. So, give yourself the space to dream a little, and make a list of all the things you would like to achieve and believe. In the process of doing this, whenever self-doubts spring up, push them away until you create a comprehensive list.

2. Affirm Yourself

Self-affirmations are strong tools that reinforce your belief in yourself. This is because as humans, our self-image influences our behavior. If you see yourself as one of the most good looking people in the world, you will definitely behave like one.

And if you see yourself as the future CEO of a company, you will also act like one. So, what you need to do is see yourself as someone worthy and amazing.

Affirmations can help you create that image. They are positive statements that knock out doubts, especially when recited aloud and with belief.

For example:

“I am worthy of everything I desire.” “I am smart enough to achieve my goals.” “I deserve all the best things life has to offer.” “And I will put forth effort daily to meet one specific desire and one specific goal to experience the best things.”

So make a list of affirmations, stand in front of your mirror and say these words to yourself. It does not have to be lengthy. Just four uplifting sentences can help you feel prepared to conquer the world each day.

3. Face Your Fears

One effective way to develop self-belief is by facing your fears.

You do not have to face them all at once or go for the scariest first. You can choose to start little by little.

Start by figuring out the source of your self-doubt and tackling that problem. If your parent’s treatment of you as a kid is the reason you lost confidence in yourself, approach them and speak to them about it. Do not be afraid of being censored. Expressing yourself might help you get the weight off your chest.

Next, face the fear of failing to achieve your goals. Go for that interview and give it your best. Address that board of directors with your ideas and innovations. Walk out of that relationship that constantly beats on your self-esteem.

Once you face and conquer your fears, self-doubt will flee.

4. Address Your Inner Critic

If society is the reason behind your loss of self-belief, it can easily be addressed and rebuilt. If you are your own critic, however, your confidence cannot be regained if you do not shut off the criticizing voice in your head.

Most times, the lack of belief in oneself is a result of an overactive inner critic. You might have this amazing idea but while creating the proposal, you may start wondering if the idea is good enough. You then start to convince yourself that the proposal is not good enough, discarding the sheet of paper, and keeping the idea under lock and key.

Addressing your inner critic is crucial because until you do, you may keep undermining your abilities and settling for less than you deserve.

So when your inner critic asks you “why would they pick me for the job?”, ask yourself, “why shouldn’t they pick me for the job?”

And then go on to count out all the reasons why you are qualified for the position. Doing this repeatedly will shut your inner critic up and build your self-belief tremendously.

5. Be Prepared to Win

Before you take a step towards your goals and aspirations, make sure you are all set up to win.

Do not take things on a whim or have a ‘winging it’ mindset because these often result in failure. Instead, study hard for that exam, prepare to provide all the best answers at that interview, make an impressive presentation for that meeting, and cut off acquaintances who fill your mind with negative thoughts.

Preparing to win also fills you with confidence that will encourage you to put in the extra effort to achieve your goals.

6. Encourage Others

Do you know that encouraging others can change your mindset about success? Most times, loss of self-belief can also lead to losing faith in other people’s abilities.

You might find yourself constantly discouraging people against going after their dreams because you doubt that they can achieve them. So make an effort to see success as something anyone can achieve.

Encourage your friends and family, and your mindset about success will also change over time. Soon your encouragements will turn inwards, and you will start feeling motivated to achieve your own goals.

7. Take Care of Yourself

To develop your self-belief, you need to take care of yourself and not just mentally and emotionally. Physical care can go a long way toward influencing your mental and emotional health.

So, go to a spa and get a massage. Go shopping for outfits that make you feel good and do your hair. Register at the gym, eat healthily and make sure you get enough rest. Also, talk to a therapist or join a support group.

Looking good and feeling good will surely help boost your self-confidence.

8. Cut Off Negative Acquaintances

So-called friends who make you feel unworthy or not good enough through their words or actions should be cut off. This is because keeping such people around you will destroy every effort you make to rebuild your self-esteem.

It should not matter who they are to you because if they cared about you in the same way, they would treat you better. So, make a decision to avoid them.

If your family are the ones treating you poorly, speak to them about it, and make it clear that you will not tolerate negativity in your life. If your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, cut the person off too because until you do, your self-belief may never grow.

While distancing yourself from negative acquaintances, draw your loving friends and family closer and cultivate healthy relationships.

Final Thoughts

Marilyn Monroe once said

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”

So, if the reason you lost your self-belief is that you believe others are better than you, you need to make a conscious effort into changing that mindset.

Think of all the amazing things you can do that other people cannot. And remind yourself that you are just as deserving as the next person.

Source: Lifehack.org

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Mirabel Centre Is Partnering With Bolt and Aabo to End Sexual Violence In Nigeria

In a bid to curb the growing spate of sexual violence in Nigeria, the Mirabel Centre has leveraged partnerships with ride-hailing company, Bolt, and emergency reporting app, Aabo.

Managed by Partnership for Justice, Mirabel Centre is Nigeria’s first sexual assault referral centre in Nigeria with a mandate to provide free medical care and psychosocial support for survivors of sexual violence in Nigeria. Since its inception in 2013, the Mirabel Centre has served over 5,600 survivors of sexual violence.

The COVID-19 lockdown brought numerous unfortunate realities to bear, one of which was the increase in the rate of sexual violence across the country. In June, the Inspector-General of Police disclosed that the Nigerian Police Force recorded 717 cases of rape between January and May 2020. Nigeria also recorded over 3,600 cases of rape during the lockdown. This is a pandemic within a pandemic.

Itoro Eze-Anaba, the founder of Mirabel Centre, while addressing the rise in rape cases during the COVID-19 lockdown, said “Before COVID-19, rape was a pandemic. When we started in 2013, we used to receive sexual assault cases of  an average of 20 people a month. Sometime in 2015, the number started to increase to the extent that before the pandemic, we were receiving 85 cases a month, sometimes 100. And it was becoming a routine to receive 100 cases or more every month. The only thing is that the reportage increased during COVID-19 so more people were encouraged to speak out.”

These partnerships with technology-based organizations, Bolt and Aabo, was birthed out of the need to prevent cases of sexual violence, rescue individuals from dangerous environments, and provide immediate support to survivors of sexual violence.

The Mirabel Centre’s partnership with Bolt will help the sexual assault referral centre solve the challenge of mobility and getting survivors to the centre safely. Survivors who require help or individuals who are in environments they need to immediately remove themselves from can contact the Mirabel Centre and have a ride hailed for them with a unique code that ensures they are taken directly to the centre at no personal cost to them.

Aabo is an application that allows survivors report cases of sexual abuse by clicking on one button. Reporting via the app triggers an emergency alert that helps the Mirabel Centre pinpoint a survivor’s location and inform a trusted contact while providing evacuation support in cases where it is needed. You can get the Aabo app on Google Play and AppStore.

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Expert Cautions Women Against Abuse Of Abortion Drugs

A Consultant Gynecologist, Dr Ayodele Ademola, on Tuesday warned young women against constant abuse of pregnancy prevention drugs, stating that they have negative effects on fertility.

Ademola gave the warning in an interview with newsmen in Lagos, NAN reports.

He said the effects of such drugs, also known as emergency contraceptives could delay conception or damage a woman’s uterus if used wrongly.

He also warned against unprescribed use of a drug called misoprostol without medical supervision.

According to him, Misoprostol which can be used to start labour, cause an abortion, prevent and treats stomach ulcer and postpartum bleeding due to poor contraction of the uterus could also damage the uterus, cause excessive bleeding and death in some cases.

“Some women indiscriminately use such drugs to either induce labour by themselves or abort a pregnancy.

“It is very dangerous, especially if the pregnancy is beyond two to three months.

“The patient might end up in the hands of a quack, who might injure the uterus and cause excessive bleeding, which can injure the uterus or cause death.

“And, the longer the abortion process, the more the patient will be predisposed to infections,” he said.

He further advised that if anyone must take or use such drugs, it must be prescribed by a medical practitioner that understands the health condition of such consumer.

However, he advised the public to seek medical assistance from reputable health centres for any kind of ailment.

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Kate Henshaw Reacts To Claim Celebrities Are Paid To Say COVID-19 Is Real

Nollywood actress, Kate Henshaw has reacted to claims that celebrities are being paid to say COVID-19 is real in Nigeria.

Henshaw shared her painful experience on her Instagram page after she went for COVID-19 test.

To her surprise, a fan responded saying celebrities were paid by Nigerian government to say coronavirus is real.

The actress who seemed infuriated by the comment wrote: “COVID-19 test is uncomfortable make I no lie. I was already in tears because this @NseIkpeEtim told me it was painful.

“ Someone commented on my Instagram saying” all these celebrities that have been paid to say there is COVID-19, God will judge you.

“If I land am better curse now, shay they will say Kate has started again inside blogs. I just blocked the person and moved on. COVID-19 IS REAL!!

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American Singer, Brandy Reveals She Battled Depression And Almost Committed Suicide

American singer, Rayana Norwood, popularly known as “Brandy” has narrated how her daughter Sy’rai saved her when she battled depression and suicidal thoughts.

Speaking during an interview with PEOPLE magazine, the 41-year-old recalled how she had suicidal thoughts after being involved in a car accident that claimed the life of a woman in 2006, as well as suffering heartbreaks from failed relationships.

She further explained that at some point, she knew she had to keep going for the sake of her 18-year-old daughter who she had with former partner, Robert Smith.

The singer, however, said she would have taken her life if she didn’t have a daughter.

According to her, she was in a terrible place and didn’t think she would be able to make it out.

NEWS:  BBNaija 2020: How I met my dad for the first time through Instagram – Erica

“I remember laying in my bed super depressed.

“I asked myself, are you just going to give up like this? That’s wack.

“I had to remind myself that I had a daughter and if I can’t do it for myself, I can do it for her because this is not the way to leave a mark in her life,” she said.

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Man Who Drove Car That Killed Flying Officer Tolulope Arotile To Be Charged For Homicide

On July 14, 2020, Tolulope Arotile, the first female combat pilot was knocked down by a vehicle driven  by her secondary mate, Nehemiah Adejor.

The loss of such a promising young Nigerian is devastating, to say the least.

After a thorough investigation into her untimely death, a suspect has finally been arrested. Actually, three suspects were initially arrested, but out of the three suspects charged for her death, the Magistrate Court sitting in Kaduna State discharged two suspects based on the police investigation, leaving the first suspect, Nehemiah Adejor, who drove the car, The Guardian reports.

According to the police report, “the 1st suspect, full of enthusiasm, recklessly reversed the car in order to meet the deceased and in the process ran over her consequent upon which the deceased lay unconsciously on the ground. The deceased was rushed to NAFX64 Base Hospitàl-for- medical attention but was later pronounced dead by the medical doctors at the Hospital”.

However, the 2nd suspect stated in his cautionary statement that on a fateful day, “he along with the 1st and 3rd suspect went on hangout and on their way back the 1st suspect cited the deceased whom they later saw and became extensively happy”.

That the 1st suspect stopped the car and began to reverse the same in order to meet up with the deceased and exchange greetings since they have not met a long time.

That when he noticed the 1st suspect was driving speedily off the road he cautioned him, but unfortunately, he got confused and ran over the deceased. He outrightly denied any arrangement to cause the death of the deceased. He added that being a trained nurse he assisted in resuscitating the deceased at the hospital but all attempt proved abortive until she was pronounced clinically dead.

After the investigation, the court discharged the second and third suspects, as their investigation did not find them wanting.

According to the DSP, there was no premeditation in the death of the Flying Officer Arotile as regards the two and second accused persons who have been discharged. The DSP, however, said that there is sufficient evidence to prosecute the 1st suspect, Nehemiah Adejor for culpable homicide not punishable with death.

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How I Met My Dad For The First Time Through Instagram – Erica Nlewedim, Bbnaija Housemate

Big Brother Naija, BBNaija 2020 housemate, Erica, has revealed that she met her father for the first time through Instagram.

She said this during her diary session with Wathoni, who stood in place for Big Brother on Thursday.

Erica disclosed that she had been searching for her father and got to speak to him through someone who contacted her on Instagram with the same surname.

Erica said: “Someone contacted me on Instagram and told me we have the same surname and asked to be friends.

“I had been searching for my dad and then when we met she asked me to speak to her father who had the same name with mine and all of a sudden I found out it was my dad

“I was 23 at that time and it was overwhelming and shocking.

“My dad did not sound surprised but later we met in Lagos, which was a weird scenario and has been so for a while.”

She added that though she has forgiven him, she still feels resentment towards him sometimes.

 

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“Deafness Almost Robbed Me Of A Life Full Of Joy And Happiness”- Taibat Fasakin

One of the most marginalized and overlooked set of people in the world are persons living with disability, they usually have to advocate for their rights at different sectors. The world is not complete without us including them into our plans, policies, advocacy and projects. Taibat is one of those fighting for the inclusion of people living with disability.
Queen Fasakin Taibat  Janet ( Nee Mohammed) is the CEO of Ability Plus Initiative. She was the former Beauty Queen ( Miss Philanthropy  Central Africa). She is the the first Miss Deaf Nigeria. Queen Janny, as she is fondly referred to by her fans, went to Irepondun Nursery and Primary School and Ahmadiyya Grammer School, both in Ogbagi Akoko, Ondo stste, for her primary and secondary education respectively.
Queen Janny later proceeded to Federal College of Education (Special ), Oyo to study Computer Science Education/Education of learners with hearing impairment. Upon the completion of her NCE  programme,  she got an admission to University of Ilorin,  Kwara state to read Educational Media and Technology.
She is a leader of repute in many associations and organizations that she had either founded. She has also made numerous outstanding contributions to those she had joined. She is a Women Leader in Abuja Association of the Deaf and Treasurer for South West Association of the Deaf.
Queen Janny is the coordinator of the renown Most Beautiful Deaf Girl in Nigeria (MBDGN). She is also the initiator of the popular Ability Plus TV programme on NTA. An Honourable Member of Nigeria  Disability People Parliament, Queen Janny achieved her dream of working with NTA a couple of years back. She currently works with NTA Headquarters on Disability issues.
With her position as a NTA ,  she has produced many educational news on the national television and on Startime called Ability Plus Focus, where challenges faced by Persons with Disabilities (PWDs) in Nigeria are addressed.
Janet is the Coordinator of Miss Deaf Nigeria and she has been doing extremely well. She organised the first ever Miss Deaf Nigeria pageant.
As the CEO of Ability Plus Initiative and Abuja Association of the Deaf Women Leader, she has done a lot to coach, train and admonish Deaf women in many issues pertaining to their development and survival. She also host an Online Programme on Rape for Deaf community to be aware of happenings around them
She shares her inspiring story with Women of Rubies in this Interview

Growing Up

Like any other child, who dreamt of a beautiful future and live for each day to bring goodness, I had the same. But little did I know that life  will offer me another dimension and another world that I entirely don’t have any idea of. Growing up was good and beautiful, at an early age, I had been leading in my class as the class captain and each term I always was first in class. Until one fateful day, when I woke up and couldn’t even stand, my body was hotter than fire, initially, my sister thought I was faking it until it got so serious. When my mother arrived from market, she had to rush me to hospital where I was admitted and from my minor illness a lot of money was spent, properties were lost. The fact is that my mother could go to any length to lose everything but not her child, so she was so determined to make me recover at any cost. After many attempts to get better and no improvement they had to seek a natural healer, Although, I was getting better, but not very well as I  managed to eat little and sit at the same time.

I woke up one day, and felt that the rain that has been raining for the past three days has to stop as the noise was disturbing my ears, so I asked my mother why the rain has refused to stop for the past three days. My mother was taken aback, she asked which rain was I talking about, and I responded by making the rain’s noise “Ruu Ruu Ruu.” My mother replied, “No rain, nothing like rain at all.” She opened the curtain for me to take a peep outside, lo and behold, it was sunny. Then I realized my life had taken another dimension, I couldn’t hear anything again except the vibrating noise in my head. With every day passing in my life, it has become something I have to ignore in my brain, although it was never easy. That’s how my Journey in the deaf world began. My life changed, my dreams collapsed, and I had to adapt to deafness. It was a battle I fought and was determined to win. Deafness came and decided to rob me of a life full of joy and happiness I had planned for myself, but glory be to God that I have supportive sisters and a mother who stood with me to motivate me and give me a reason to live irrespective of my disability. And today as I have grown up to be the lady I aspired to be I know it’s all God’s will for me. Where there is a will, there is a way. I found my way to what prepared me to this today. I am deaf, beautiful, classy, bold, and I’m succeeding, although I have not achieved my desired goals, but I am on the right track. To God be the glory.

Inspiration behind  Ability Plus Initiative

After I became deaf, I couldn’t relate well with my peer group, I was shunned, ignored and packed to a corner like a pack of cards. The Intelligent class captain Janet is now a deaf; a nonentity that no one wants to get close to, I was despised, and it hurt.

However, I was determined to live my life to the fullest and I didn’t allow the negative mindset of what the society said about me to distract me from achieving my goal. This neglect and exclusion from the people and society who should have given me a sense of belonging pushed me to want to do something to push for the inclusion of persons with disabilities in the society. There were times I would be watching TV drama and I see family and friends laughing hysterically and I would ask in my desperate attempt to understand what was  happening, they would tell me “it’s nothing, don’t worry, it’s not important.” It was so painful, I also wanted to laugh and understand, but I was deprived of this right to information. Sad. Then as I kept living and building myself, I came to understood that not even the larger community take any cognizance to understand our needs, especially the deaf community that depends largely on a sign language interpreter. It was at my service year in NYSC at the Ministry of Information and Culture that I started educating a few people in my office on sign language and the need to strengthen the sign language advocacy for the deaf at the Press Centre where I made CD in sign language and sign language T-shirts for free, and give it out to staff at the Press Centre.This helped me to get recommendations at NTA to start teaching sign language on NTA.

Prior to this, I wanted to be the Voice for the Deaf and an advocate for Persons With Disabilities on Information Access and Entertainment for Persons with Disabilities. Then I  initiated Ability Plus Initiative.

About Ability Plus Initiative: The world today has witnessed tremendous changes and these changes have their own influence upon humans which includes Persons With Disabilities (PWDs). Many a times, Persons With Disabilities stand a greater risk of falling  prey to the menace these changes cause. In Ability Plus Initiative, we recognize these problems and are powered by the drive to build a society where Persons With Disabilities have quality access to basic necessities that will help build their world and fit into the society. With a solid team of like minds, we work systematically using our core value tools as a solid strategy for achieving set goals. We are motivated by our belief that everyone has a right to the best possible way of life regardless of their disability. We work to become a catalyst for transformation and growth for PWDs through our various outlined programs and projects. We believe that PWDs should be recognized and celebrated. Warren Schmidt once said that “the land of opportunity is an attitude. It is opened to new ideas; a willingness to learn; an eagerness to listen; a desire to grow; and the flexibility to change.” I want you all reading this to Join us as we help PWDs to experience the true essence of this life.

Our Vision: Bridging the gap of inequality and discrimination against Persons With Disabilities.

Our Mission: To build an unending relationship with the society in manners that take into cognizance the abilities of PWDs through our core values.

Our Goal and Objectives: PWDs making positive impacts wherever they go; and the society identifying with these impacts for equal growth drive in our society. We are open for partnerships. Welcome to API world.

How has the journey been since you started?

I must say, it has not been easy. The journey started three years ago, and we have been pushing and trying to ensure we get reliable partners and sponsors, but I tell you it was a big hurdle to overcome. This is because somehow the Voice of the Deaf cannot be heard like her other hearing counterparts, thereby making it so hard for me. A light support I got is to organize program for Persons With Disabilities, mentor them and give them a short time support. Our long term and sustainable support has not so far been met because of lack of partners and sponsors to come forward to help us make this great idea of mine a reality so we can join hand together and say, “Yes, we did this for Persons With Disabilities.”

Our Services includes but are not limited to:

  1. Promote ethics and value orientation for PWDs through community relations and various media platforms.
  2. Persons with Disabilities Citizens’ Rights Advocacy
  3. Grassroots Reorientation.
  4. Provide enhancement projects and empowerment opportunities for PWDs.
  5. Promote and support the recognition of PWDs bravery, socioeconomic participations, and innovative ideas.
  6. Organize programs, seminars, workshops, trainings and events that reflect on our seven spheres of focus.
  7. Co-operate and partner with other organizations and individuals within and outside Nigeria with the intent to encourage generational change and support the wholesome beauty embodied in PWDs.

Our intended projects include:

  1. The Ability Award
  2. Ability Studio
  3. Ability Entrepreneurship Hub.

Granted we get partners and sponsorship for one or two of these projects, it will not only change the lives of PWDs, it will beautify their lives as it’s a lifetime project that provide job opportunities and teach them skills. Reaching this milestone of idea has not been easy, but one day, with the support of you and I, we will look back and praise God.

You are the first Miss Deaf Nigeria, tell us about that phase of your journey?

Seven years ago, I saw Miss Deaf World on Facebook, I also saw Miss Deaf International, and I got inspired by what I saw, so I reached out to one of my mentors who told me there was an established Most Beautiful Deaf Girl in Nigeria on ground where I can easily showcase the beauty and culture of deaf women in Nigeria. It was not strong back then as it was still in its embryonic stage. So I got in touch with the initiator of the organization and we got along well.  In 2016, since there was no fund to organize Miss Deaf Nigeria, I was then selected to represent Miss Deaf World in Czech Republic, 2016. Despite all of our efforts, we didn’t get any sponsor. The dream just died like that, but I knew within me; one day, my dream will come to reality. In effort to pursue my dream, as I love fashion and modelling, in 2017, I applied to contest on the platform of Miss Philanthropy Africa Initiative, the first ever beauty pageant that didn’t discriminate against PWDs. I was enrolled, taught and groomed on that platform, and I contested with 8 other hearing contestants. Lo and behold, my performance, although deaf, won the heart of many and I won and was crowned  Miss Philanthropy Central Africa 2017/2018 Region. There and then, my focus and project was to help the less privileged and persons with disabilities. I also wanted to focus by using my title as an advantage to raise money for Most Beautiful Deaf Girl in Nigeria. I was given a go ahead and the CEO of Most Beautiful Deaf Girl in Nigeria almost lost interest as she had wasted a lot of money on fruitless efforts to build the platform. So she gave me the full authority, and presented all official duties and files to me and in 2018 I become Coordinator for Most Beautiful Deaf Girl in Nigeria.

You are also the Coordinator of MBDGN, what inspired you to kick off the initiative?

Like I mentioned earlier, the desire to be a voice to the voiceless runs in me, I aspired to be a queen and a model. There have been a number of pageantry spread all over the place, the first question one should ask is how many of these pageants are tolling the path of humanity? Another known fact is the inability of a Deaf girl to participate in these numerous pageant no matter how beautiful and intelligent. Even though among these deaf people are ladies and men of intellect and extreme beauty, a fact that the developed countries has capitalized on to promote specialized Deaf Pageants. It’s interesting to know that Deaf Pageant have been going on in the world for close to three decades now without Nigeria’s participation, a development that can no longer be allowed to continue. It is on this note that I have decided to take the bull by the horn; along with MBDGN team to organize the first ever Miss & Mr. Deaf Nigeria Pageant as our first step of preparation towards participating in Miss Deaf Word in Czech Republic, and Miss Deaf International. In November 2019, we were able to organize the first ever Miss Deaf Nigeria on the platform of Most Beautiful Deaf Girl in Nigeria Initiative, and Miss Maria Okese of River State emerged Winner of Miss Deaf Nigeria. We plan to attend Miss Deaf World in Czech Republic in 2021, and hopefully we will get good sponsors to be able to attend and also find partners to host Miss Deaf Nigeria 2021. We hope and believe this will open many people’s eyes to the fact that not even our disabilities can gun us down. We are able, we are beautiful and in our imperfections, we are talented and passionate just like everyone else.

Do you think the society is well informed on how to treat people living with disability, especially deaf people?

I don’t even know what to say, but honestly speaking, we Persons With Disabilities have really tried on part of advocacy and information. For good 16years we have been advocating for the Passage of Disability Bill to be passed into law, and fortunately for us, President Buhari signed the Bill into law in 2019. It’s a whole lot of freedom for us, but sadly with the passage of the law in full force, things are still the same, implementation has not fully taken effect. Nigeria has not fully grabbed this law to better our lives, a lot are still lagging behind, many workplaces like banks, hospitals, and firms are still making the physically challenged —wheelchair users— suffer, many places are not accessible; including hospitals.

For us, it’s worse, many TV and radio house are deaf to our cry to make information accessible by having sign language interpreter on their screen and or make use of Captioning. Only NTA, where I work, is the only Inclusive TV station in Nigeria. The blind are also not left behind in this hard hit, so who do we blame? It’s the society that doesn’t want to listen to us. In conclusion the society is well informed but has decide not to take action, maybe when we start dragging them to court for violating our rights, they will start to do the right things.

What are some of the challenges you experience as a disability advocate?

I’m  losing count of those challenges. The most pressing ones include:

  1. Discrimination arising from or during communication.
  2. Societal segregation: It is assumed that we have no ability to do things, let alone to do better or even contribute to national development. Note that there are deaf lawyers, deaf doctors, and deaf professors amongst us. I’m not the most successful deaf person; there are a lot of us but because we can’t speak, the society decided to shut the only voice we have —our abilities. They don’t believe in us. The society needs to stop looking down on us. I was first human before I turned deaf. So, let us love and value everyone, irrespective of their disability, because no one knows what tomorrow holds.
  3. Marginalization: Sometimes I was treated with disdain. I was ignored and shunned as soon as people knew I am deaf. For instance, I attempted several times to participate in beauty pageants but was rejected time and time again when they knew I am deaf.

Everyone loves me, says I’m beautiful and even clap for me. But once I make a sign that I am deaf all that they have acknowledged vanishes and gets replaced with sympathy and marginalization. Should I start pretending to hide my disability and pretend to be who I am not? That’s not me! This is why I work tirelessly to ensure that the Miss and Mr Deaf Nigeria pageant became a reality to show who we are, what we are capable of and to appreciate ourselves. Sometimes, you have to sing and listen to your own song before others will. I Believe in myself; that’s what matters to me as an advocate and I am positive that one day all I aspire to be shall come be realized because God has my back.

Mention 3 women who inspire you to be better and why?

  1. My dear mother: Mrs Anike Olajumoke Saka My Day 1 supporter. She inspired me to work hard, she instilled in me to wear my scar with pride, she was never ashamed of me being her deaf daughter. She was so proud of me and always protect me, she is a praying mother. When I forget to pray, she was my guardian angel, whom God has sent behind and in front of me to shield me from evil. She is the Jesus on earth for me. The love of a mother is so priceless. Because of this woman, I am still standing on my two legs working hard to ensure she eats the fruits of her labour on me. My Mother. My Pride. I love her so much. ki iku mase pa aalaanu mi. (Amin).
  2. My three sisters: The aro meta lehin mi.(The three stars behind me). They are ferocious, fierce but loving sisters, they inspired me to work as a team. I learnt from them that teams fight, but, find grounds to resolve it. They are my push, the beating of my life I get from them (LOL). This inspired me to be so strong and pursue the path that will send me on a journey to have self-control. Their much nagging made me run and hide and do things independently, today I get my inspiration from them to be me, and never allow anyone or anything stop me from grabbing my dream. They made me realized I should stand for my rights anywhere any place. To the best sister ever who joined hands to make my wedding the talk of town; wherever you may be: Thank you Aunty Silifat Apalowo, Aunty Kuburat Omolola and Aunty Fausat Akintomide. I love you!
  3. Hajia Hamza Jamilah: She is my mentor, my number one push in Disability advocacy. A woman with a good Heart, soft spoken and so understanding. But if I made a mistake, she will ensure I realize it, she does not pretend, she is so real. For all you do, for me, for the Deaf community, I say thank you. She was the success behind Miss Deaf Nigeria, with her networks and recommendations, we got support. May you keep being light to lighten people’s darkness and may your light never go dim. I love you mentor.

Being a woman of Rubies

I have passed through a lot in life and I’ve learnt that the only way to stay down is to look down on oneself, lack belief and confidence and to be narrow-minded. So for me, I have established a higher purpose —to live to help others, look beyond myself and challenges and focus on the opportunities I can create for others. I consider my abilities are strong enough to a point that I believe deafness is an ability. What if I wasn’t deaf?

These qualities made me extraordinary, a woman of rubies and more; a woman who against all odds is making impact and changing the narrative. The best of me is yet to come!

In view of the pandemic, could you share some nuggets on safety measures for persons with disability

The COVID-19 pandemic poses a severe risk to the health and well-being of individuals with disabilities. Here are some tips for my fellow PWDs to take:

  1. Wash your hand with soap and water regularly.
  2. Use your face mask as much as possible when in public.
  3. Maintain a distance of about 6ft.
  4. Cover your mouth in case you want to cough, use disposable toiletries.
  5. For the blind and mobility aids, it’s advisable to use hand gloves.
  6. Chew Vitamin C.

Alot of people are not well informed about “Deafness”, please shed some light on how to support such persons, and how to spot one.

Deafness is an hidden disability, and we are the most marginalized group ever, because people do not see our disability, but the sound in our head is what we have to cope with daily and you all cannot understand. It’s not easy I tell you. Sometimes, people will want to call us, then they throw stones at us, it’s very wrong and unacceptable. Meet us and call us or send someone to call us if we are far from you. Throwing an object at us is bad. Also it’s a bad idea to tell you that I’m deaf and you start raising eyebrow and say “Sorry.” Sorry for what? I am not an object of sympathy. There is no need to pity me, I am OK. The best way to support and interact with us is to learn our sign language, even if it’s just A to Z, or simply using the shape of a heart to say ‘I love you’. Please, do that so you can make them smile. We will feel appreciated and have a sense of belonging. Alternatively, writing will ensure proper information is passed across. Also try and believe in Deaf People, they are intelligent and can do many things except hearing.

We have people that can hear that are beggars. That has not made all the “hearing world” beggars, same goes to the Deaf. Some deaf people are beggars, but majority of us are well to do and hardworking. So believe in us, support our initiative and be a part of the voice to the voiceless. We need each other. God bless you!

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