Kemi Amushan


There are rules and regulations when it comes to dating and relationships. Some are more important than others, like being honest and faithful. But there is one common mistake that people make that kills a relationship: Becoming an option.
In the beginning, when a guy is into a woman, he will go out of his way to get her. He will pursue her persistently. He will call, text, and try to spend as much time with her as he can. He will do his best to impress her and make her want him. He will act like he is the luckiest man in the world to be with her.
For the woman, life is great. It is an amazing thing for a woman to see herself through the eyes of a man who wants her. She gets her hopes up and eventually lets her guard down. And just when she thinks the relationship is taking off, the guy pulls back. Why is that? Because he knows that he got her. He doesn’t have to chase her anymore. She has made him a priority, so she has become an option for him. And the relationship begins its slow death.

For a relationship to be successful, each person involved needs to make the other a priority. It is impossible to be a happy couple when one person sees the other as a choice. I’ have been in a relationship where I was the choice, though I did not know it at the time. It did not end well, but I learned my lesson. Be a priority, not an option.Women make excuses for men treating them like options all the time. It is silly and exhausting. Instead of making excuses, we need to look at the big picture, read the signals, realize we deserve more, and get the hell out of that relationship.Here are a few signs that you have become an option in a relationship instead of a priority:

He has Become Distant
He used to text you every morning or every night like clockwork. Now, not so much. Now, your conversations are few and far between and not nearly as happy and fun as they used to be. He stops asking about your day. He stops flirting with you. If you do not initiate the conversation, you could go days without speaking. He takes forever to respond or forgets to answer all together. He says he has been busy and he is always in a crappy mood. However, you can’t help but notice that he still has time to keep up his presence on social media e.g watsapp etc. without complaining.

He Stopped Making Time For You
Unless you are in a long distance relationship, spending time together is important. If you often go more than a week without seeing the man you are dating, but he still manages to grab beers with his friends, you have become an option. Life gets hectic, but people make time for their priorities.If you used to see each other often, but now face time is rare, something is wrong. If a guy wants to be with you, he will find a way to be with you. He will go out of his way even if it means only spending an hour with you and not just to have sex. If he is not making an effort to see you, he does not really care about seeing you.

You have Got A Bad Feeling
This is the most important of the signs. It is so important to trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that something has changed, that something is off, then something is definitely wrong. There is nothing worse then feeling that pit in your stomach. It sucks to worry and wonder about where you stand in a relationship.
So what do you do if and when these things happen? There are a few things, but what is more important is what you do not do. Do not complain or nag. That will only push him farther away and make you look and feel pathetic. Again, if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you.
So, if you have got a bad feeling, speak up. Ask him what the deal is. Make it clear that you are not cool with the way the relationship is going. The easiest way to understand what is going on and stop worrying, is to talk about it. If a guy cares about you and your feelings, he will stop doing things that upset or worry you. If having a conversation about what is bothering you does not lead to any change, then you should move on because you are not a priority.

If he has become distant or stopped texting, you should become distant and stop texting. Stop reaching out to him and see what happens. If you feel like you are doing all of the work, stop trying to make plans and initiate conversations. Do not coddle him or listen to him complain if he is giving you nothing in return.
Give him two weeks. Think of it as giving yourself two weeks notice and a guy the benefit of the doubt. If he is into you, he will notice the shift in your behaviour and try to compensate. He will try to fix things. He has two weeks to get his crap together, and if you do not hear from him in that time, If he does not reach out to you, well take it as a sign that you are no longer dating.If he stops making time for you, find something else to do. You had a life before him. Do not stop living it without him. Make plans and hang out with your friends. Start dating other people again. Do not drop what you are doing whenever he calls. Show him that you have a life without him. If he does not try to be more present, then you have your answer. You are not a priority.
Do not play games. Do not act like you do not care when you do. Just stop putting in more effort than he is and see what happens. If he disappears, oh well. You are better off getting rid of him now than spending another however many months being a choice. Everyone deserves better than that. Be a priority, not an option.
To our happiness, cheers.

Written by: Kemi Amushan

Pic credit: https://www.google.com/search?q=black+woman+feeling+happy&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj3qb3b8ePbAhUI74MKHeDVB8QQ_AUICigB&biw=1518&bih=723&dpr=0.9#imgrc=7I0olUubZhnomM:

I am sure most of you have heard this saying before…“If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” Most times, I promise you that its bullshit. Dating is hard enough without having to dodge to avoid people who are so bad, they seem like they come directly from a fantasy movie. It’s easy to think that it can’t happen to you. This problem is much more common than one would think, really. The way that a con artist manipulates his or her way into your life and lays it down to ruin your life is incredibly shame inducing, honestly and that’s why it’s easy to wonder why you didn’t catch it sooner or wish you had done something differently. The kind of attachment that these people create in the first few months of knowing them is strong and intoxicating, so much so that kind-hearted, empathetic people are often quick for manipulation.

For this reason, many people who have crossed paths with one of these nasty characters never tell their stories. If they do, they are used to not being believed. After all, no one wants to think that their charming new flame is in fact a sociopath or narcissist.

Unfortunately, I too have had my fair share of these types of men. One of my ex-boyfriends lied about every single detail he ever told me about himself. Recently, one of my old friends got angry at me that I would not help him lie to a new catch of his about his having three small children he had abandoned in the UK. Trust me, I blocked him instantly. Such a wicked and irresponsible man. He began bad mouthing me to our mutual friends that those ones started to believe that I had a personal vendetta against him, not that he had lied about anything or was capable of doing anything wrong.

But unfortunately for him, His new flame was smart to run like hell after finding out that not only did he lie about having kids, but also a whole host of other personal details. After she found a picture of him and his family on a mutual friends page on Facebook, he told us that she was psycho to be looking so heavily into his personal details. He also explained to our mutual friends that his crazy ex-wife had “forced” him to marry her, knowing he clearly wasn’t the father of the three kids, cruelly making him the fall guy. Can you imagine?

After hearing lots of other people’s stories about their experiences with sociopaths and con artists, I realize that so far I have gotten off really easily. Even if you have already had the unfortunate experience of a run-in with a sociopath, that doesn’t mean it will not happen again or that there will actually be any warning signs next time. But you have to know what they are all about…being able to sight their bullshit way across before they get to you.

I am sure you know that being a sociopath is a personality disorder. If you didn’t know, now you do. How do you know one? Impulsivity, lack of responsibility, lack of guilt, poor impulse control, lack of empathy, inability to form meaningful relationships, continued antisocial behavior, lack of behavior change after punishment, and strong emotional immaturity and so on. On the surface, the sociopath appears charming, accomplished, and worldly. So you need to watch closely. See beyond the surface.

With the type of traits I listed above earlier, that’s just one of a few. These types of people are usually so arrogant that they believe the rest of humanity is weak since they can be manipulated with their emotions.

I dated a narcissist once and oh my god, I wanted to pull my hair out when I got pushed to the wall. Like sociopaths, narcissists are also hard people to have relationships with. All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

Narcissists also have an overly grandiose sense of self-worth and a lack of empathy for others. They are arrogant, manipulative, need admiration from others, and are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love. They often maintain longer relationships than sociopaths even though their relationships can be just as twisted. Narcissists are not as likely to get as violent as sociopaths, but they can dish out emotional abuse just fine. They are considered less likely to be as sadistic as sociopaths.

The bottom line is that you don’t want a relationship with a narcissist either, and their relationships often follow the same relationship phases as a pairing with a sociopath.

Please run, run like hell if you start seeing these traits in the person you are dating. They never change, they only get worse. Trust me, I’m talking from three failed relationships with a narcissist. I took off early because I knew my worth and I could never allow such a person to bring me down…because that’s all they do. Choose wisely.

To our happiness. Cheers.

Source: Guardian

So I’m going to tell you a little story about a friend of mine called Pomi. She is actually the only crazy friend I have, the Ying to my Yang, my other mischievous half. Lol.

So she met this guy recently…actually they’ve known each other for a bit over two or three years. But didn’t get very close until recently. Clearly there was some clear flirt vibes going on because he always invited her to his apartment, they went out a few times together, checked on each other a lot, spent nights in each others apartment…oh did I mention they stayed in the same compound? Yes they did. So one day, he drops this bomb: “I’m really not interested in a relationship right now.” WTH?

Now you know for a fact there was sexy energy between the two of them no doubt. But what really happened? I still ask myself that question every time I think about how fast the relationship came crashing down in just a month.

What happened? What exactly was the plan here because left to me, he was just playing games with Pomi. So I really thought about it long and hard and I came to these conclusions you are about to read below and only one of those is the truth.

When a man tells you he’s not interested in a relationship, it might really be true, but it might not. He might be playing one of 5 “cards” here…

* The Pity Card

He’s telling you he’s not interested, just broke up, etc., because he hopes to get some tasty-sweet woman-sympathy. It’s an attention thing. Trust me.

Playing this card might even get him some “poor brokenhearted baby” sex. Which could develop into regular bootie calls.

WARNING. You probably already know that women tend to hope that bootie calls will turn into a deeper relationship. Men don’t. So just let him be. Leave him alone.

*The “Screening for Bootie Calls” Card

This one is a version of the truth. He’s not interested in a “relationship,” but he is interested in sex. Just go back to the above warning.

* The “I’m in Control” Card

He tells you this in case he might want to date you.You’ve backed off, so now he gets to call all the shots if he decides he wants to.

* The “Easy Exit” Card

Once he’s told you he’s not interested, he can freely make a play for you, and you’re all off-balance. He’s definitely now in control. So if you date for a while or even sleep together, and then he decides he’s ready to move on, he has a ready-made exit excuse. He can quickly and easily put all the responsibility for “misunderstanding” on you. For example, “Hey,” he can casually say, “I told you I wasn’t interested in a relationship.”

*The Truth

Yes, some guys say it because it’s true and some guys say it because it’s true, then change their minds and decide to date. So how do you respond to his “I’m not interested” speech? Simple, take him at his word. Assume he’s telling the gospel truth, and leave him alone. This means you move forward with your life, immediately. Date other men and don’t put your universe on hold in hopes that something might develop with this guy. Don’t behave like his girlfriend or his bootie call. Be clear that if he’s interested in dating you, then your outings have to be actual dates, not “let’s watch a movie at my place then have sex” or “I need to fill some social gaps” or “you’re the only one available, so why not.”

You’re worth so much more than that. Okay?

To your happiness. Cheers.

Source: Guardian