Ehi Agbashi

A lot of girls are growing up accepting the fact that the society has placed them in second place, and they are settling for just that.

I am sure we all saw the disturbing videos, read the stories of the women who were arrested and assaulted for going to night clubs. These women were arrested, and then harassed both physically and sexually, and guess what? There were people who found a way to justify these hideous acts.

Some people said, “Well, thank God they were sex workers and not normal women.” Others said, “As a woman, why are you out of your house by this time?” I saw a comment that struck me, and it came from a fellow woman; she said, “I wish they had done this earlier, and I hope they continue.” To the people, especially women, who left these heartless comments, let me break it down for you. I hope, for all our sakes, you really learn something.

First of all, these women were not arrested for being sex workers; they were arrested for being women who were out at night, and God forbid this ever befalls you or any woman you know.

Another thing: they are not ‘just sex workers,’ they are human. They are women before any other thing, and I hope everyone remembers this.

Women were raped and abused, and the first thing that comes to your mind is “What was she wearing?” “Why was she out by that time of the night?” “As a woman she should not be in the club at night.” I hope you learn that no Nigerian woman is safe, and I hope one day you join to make a positive change.

There were protests on May 4, 2019, and to those who went out to voice their pains, anger and support for a better society, we say thank you. We will keep pushing in our own little ways to achieve positive change.

Now, some people might think the police raid wasn’t close to them, so they weren’t bothered. Well, let me bring it home. A few days ago, a friend asked our group chat if it was okay for a woman to downplay her success because of a man. This was apparently because successful women scare suitors away, and I was glad when everyone said it was not okay to lower your standards for anyone. Why should a woman’s success be downplayed to fuel a man’s ego? You are a woman, and you deserve the same level of success and the right to celebrate your success, just as much as any man.

I can’t speak for other societies, but I can definitely speak for the Nigerian society when I say a lot of people (both genders) see women as lesser humans to their male counterparts. When men voice their displeasure, we often tag them heartbroken and hurt, but when a woman does the same she is seen as bitter and ungrateful. Many people say things like “no man will marry her,” “she is disgracing her family/children,” “she is just bitter, she should move on.” When a man does the same exact thing guess what people say. “Wow, thank God he dodged a bullet,” “I hope time heals his heart,” “I hope he finds someone better.” We have taught females, consciously and unconsciously, that silence is the way for them to be accepted.

The last time, I spoke about speaking up and not suppressing your emotions, and I am here to echo it once again: if you are woman hurt and emotional, speak your truth. Do not let the society make you suppress your feelings. You deserve to express your hurt and heartbreak the way you wish. Sadly, a lot of girls are growing up accepting the fact that the society has placed them in second place, and they are settling for just that.

I hope the younger generation works hard toward ensuring that gender inequality becomes history, and females in the future don’t have to downplay their success and emotions in order to be accepted. From so called moral standards, to success and achievements, up to self-esteem, women are constantly given the shorter end of the stick, and I hope this changes during our time.

Do not suppress your emotions to make other people happy. If you feel sad, cry and let it out. If you feel overwhelmed, take the break you need and focus on yourself. If you experience loss, please allow yourself to grieve.
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Stop telling people to “man up” when they get emotional and stop telling them to be the “bigger person” when they want to react.

“Your score on the hostility scale is really disturbing, and I want us to talk about it.” These were the words my therapist blurted out as I tried to understand what was happening around me. It was an extremely cold Thursday afternoon. February 23, 2017, to be precise. I knew I had lost it completely. If I didn’t seek help immediately, I wouldn’t have made it beyond that week.

I walked into the counselling centre and made an appointment for that same day. I told them it was an emergency, and I think I looked it at that point in time. By 2:30 PM I walked in, and for the first time ever I was talking to someone about my actual problems (I mean, I couldn’t even talk because I was so overwhelmed by various emotions I had buried for over 10 years).

After a whole outburst, my therapist then went on to say, “Hostility doesn’t mean you are a bad person, it just means you have a lot of repressed emotions deep down and they are breaking you down.” For once I didn’t try to deny my feelings. They were out in the open, and I had reached a point where I could no longer run away or hide from them. (I mean, I didn’t talk to my roommate for two weeks, not even a good morning. That was how bad my situation had gotten, because I had suppressed so much and hit rock bottom and could only show extreme emotions. I was either randomly breaking down in class or going straight to bed.)

I had always been the cheerful goal getter who had plans and achieved them. I hardly argued with people because I had an angry side I didn’t want people to see. And it was easier to just snub them or cut them off if they lingered too long. I never showed sweet emotions because I believed they made me weak, and when there was a problem in the group I was the person who kept her emotions strong and in check, so that the group had one strong person to look up to.

Recently I saw a friend’s tweet which said: “Most of us in this generation act like we don’t get hurt, we hide it behind our I don’t care attitude, which is eventually going to hurt us.” Never had I related to a tweet on such personal level.

I wrote about how we need to learn how to deal with failure, and I think knowing how to react emotionally is a huge part of this journey. There are people who bury their grief and sadness in order to appear perfect. There are those who bury their anger in order to gain acceptance. And there are those burying their fears and sorrows so they are not viewed as weak. Some people share their pain, and in response get told they are too sensitive, or should keep things to themselves, and I am here to remind every single person that: it is okay to share your feelings. If someone annoys you, tell them how you feel. Do not suppress your emotions to make other people happy. If you feel sad, cry and let it out. If you feel overwhelmed, take the break you need and focus on yourself. If you experience loss, please allow yourself to grieve.

Allow yourself to heal in your own way, allow yourself to experience emotions in a healthy manner. If you feel you can’t handle your emotions or whatever experience you are going through, I am here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to reach out and seek help. Some of us at the other end will pull you through, guide you and support you. Your emotions are valid, your experiences are valid, your feelings are valid, and you should never let anyone or even the society tell you otherwise.

Side note: Stop telling people to “man up” when they get emotional and stop telling them to be the “bigger person” when they want to react.

About Ehi

Ehi Agbashi is a quiet and upbeat young lady who graduated with a double major in psychology and biology. She’s passionate about social justice issues, mental health (going to graduate school for clinical counselling) and ethnocultural empathy. She loves sci-fi movies, reading African fiction and exploring new cities. IG:@kyautaa Twitter: @kyaauta.

EHI AGBASHI: THERE IS NO WOMAN WHO IS SAFE IN NIGERIA

EHI AGBASHI: YOU, YOUR EMOTIONS & YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID