My step cousin was caught attempting to rape his uncle’s girlfriend’s daughter. My father + step mom decided to bring him into our home thinking a new environment would change him. He raped me every day after school my 6th grade year. They trusted him alone with me.
I told my father about a year and a half ago.. his response? “yea, okay, blame me for something I had zero knowledge of.”
My father was a pastor and my step cousin was a deacon in training. Being that I was a PK and sat up front,I would end up having to hold hands with him during alter call. I’d look over at him and he would smile. I cried during the rapes and he would laugh.
My step cousin was only in 8th grade by the way. This wasn’t a grown man. This was an 8th grade boy with a big full of scare tactics that would shove church bulletins down my throat while raping me in the church floor.
My step cousin and I rode the same school bus. One day, he ran to the door unlocked it and locked me out of the house in the rain. I stood there begging for him to let me in. He let me in when I promised to let him rape me.
When he unlocked the door I ran in as fast as I could and ran to my room. The only reason why his plan that day was messed up was because my step sister and his sister came home from school.
I told my ex step mother what happened around the same time that I told my father what happened. She apologized from the depths of her heart and let me know that if I need any help with anything paying for counseling or ever needed to talk that she was there.
I recently told my aunt who acted as a mother while growing up. While telling he, her jaw was on the floor and her eyes filled with tears. The next day, she told me that she cried herself to sleep and had nothing but nightmares. She said that she blames herself…
She said that she wish she would’ve known. She expressed her deepest sympathies for my pain. She did not blame me. She did not fuss. She understood. She loved me. She asked me if I needed any help, mentally. That’s what the fuck I’m talking about.
My aunt asked me if I had healed from it. She expressed to me that if I had not healed from it she would do everything in her power to help me heal. She has supported me and loved me even more ever since I told her what I went through.
She said “sometimes when women go through these things it takes them a long time to digest the pain that is heavy on their soul. I am glad that you felt safe enough to open up me. I love you more than you will ever know. Want some waffles?”
My aunt stood in as a mom for me, but only when my father would allow her to. She wanted custody of me growing up. However she did not know everything that I was going through.
I cried about it in the beginning,but then I became numb. So, I buried myself in my music. I was a choir geek. I cried using my voice. Every solo I had, I cried through my music. Music kept me sane and ultimately saved my life.
Why would I tell my father about my sexual assault when a year prior I told him I wanted to kill myself. I had recently lost both grand parents a month apart from each other & was being picked on by my 5th grade teacher. His response was ..
“Get the fuck up out my face with that stupid shit!! Don’t you ever come to me with no stupid shit like that again. You wanna kill yourself? I kill you if you come to me with some bullshit like that again. Get the hell up out my face.”
Why would I tell anyone else when my father used to tell me all the time “Don’t nobody care about your damn feelings. You don’t have feelings till you pay some damn bills”
I’m fully healed from my childhood. I just wanted y’all to see wtf goes on in the black RELIGIOUS community. They shame the women and feed the monsters.
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