What is the first thing we do when we get into an argument with our men? For many of us, the answer is to call or send a message to our female friends immediately it happens. When that heavy feeling of anger takes over, you feel like you need an outlet now, right? Someone who you can be 100% real with, someone who you can bitch, whine and complain to, and most importantly, someone who will take your side. Am I right? I know I’ve certainly been there before.
It’s especially easy to fall into this trap when your relationship is still new because you want the approval of your closest girls, you want everyone to like him, you want them to tell you that you picked a good one. Whether it’s your best friend, mom, or sister, you get peace of mind from being able to vent to them about an argument that happened with him. Talking it out with them helps you get your head on straight and gain more clarity before going back to your guy and then actually dealing with the situation. But really, how much is that actually serving you and your relationship with him?
Sure, the girls want what’s best for us but there are some reasons why you might want to think twice before dishing the details to them again and these reasons are very important.
Every woman has a different outlook on men and relationships through their own individual experiences, but your outlook is the only one that matters.
It could be that she’s been your best friend since primary or secondary school, maybe you tell each other everything, and maybe she’s a woman with high standards whose opinion you respect a lot. But, if she’s single or if she’s in an unhappy relationship, her opinions might sway you in a different direction than you would’ve gone if you hadn’t asked for her input.
Even if she means well, if she’s unhappy in her own relationship, or if she’s subconsciously feeling left out because she’s single, there’s a chance she might have a biased outlook on men and relationships in general. Or, she might have underlying negative feelings towards men. The result of all of this will come out in the way she talks to you about your relationship. And, I hate to say it, but there is always going to be a certain amount of “man bashers” out there. You know the type who always talk about how all men only want one thing, how they’re all cheaters, liars, etc. If you’ve got women like this running in your circle of friends, it’s possible that you’re more likely to start having those same thought patterns. The women we’re closest to always influence our decisions.
Another thing to look at is whether or not you have fair weathered friends in your circle. It’s not pretty, but jealousy happens. It’s human nature. But pay attention, because a jealous friend, whether they have malicious intent or not might not always be looking at your needs first, their main concern might be what makes them feel best.
Family members will always take your side.
There is a reason you shouldn’t involve your family members in your relationship. Be it when the relationship is just fresh or when you guys are married. Unless it gets way beyond your hands before you bring them in. The fact of the matter is, people get into arguments, people mess up, and sometimes your partner will let you down.
You have to accept that as a part of life.
Your partner is not going to be perfect all the time. It’s impossible for things to be peachy ALL of the time. But when you go airing your dirty laundry to your sister and your mom, they’re likely going to look at the situation from your side, because they’re your family and they never want to see you hurting, no matter whose “fault” it is. Their opinion will almost always be biased. You’re better off sticking to telling them the good stuff about your guy rather than the bad stuff. In addition to this, I’ve always found mom-advice to be a little bit off base when it comes to dating. Not because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but because if she’s in a happy marriage where she’s been playing mom and wife for the last 40 years, then the way she interacts with her husband is going to be very different from the way you interact with your boyfriend. You’ve been dating your man only for a year, and she’s been with her husband for 40 years, so don’t take her word for it when she tells you to do something nice for your boyfriend like cooking him a five star dinner when he’s being a little distant. The relationship dynamics aren’t the same, and therefore her advice isn’t going to get you the best results. Men of those days are quite different from the babies we have now. Yes I said babies because that’s what the men of these days are. But you could try though…you just might be lucky.
Your mind will start to feel cluttered.
Once you get into the habit of telling your girlfriends everything, it can be a hard one to break. Pretty soon you realize that it becomes more like “word vomit” anything he does or says that causes a shadow of a doubt in your mind, or that slightly bothers you, you go and tell them. You start talking to all of your girlfriends about your relationship, and pretty soon, you have ten different opinions on one situation, when the only opinion that should matter, is yours!
When you tell others the intimate details of your love life, you’re giving them permission to influence you. Their reactions and words influence you, and when you start getting a million different perspectives, you can’t even hear your own inner voice anymore. You stop going with your gut and intuition, and you start depending on other people’s reasoning and advice. All this will do is create drama in your mind and in your relationship, and you’ll likely end up doing something you regret because someone else thought you should do it. Then a month later when you’ve been detoxed of all the other voices cluttering your mind, you’ll probably realize that you did something you wished you hadn’t.
It’s Disrespectful.
Not only is it disrespectful to your guy, but it’s disrespectful to your relationship. A woman who took pride in her relationship wouldn’t go around telling everyone the details of an argument she had that morning. It lowers the value of your relationship. Your relationship is something precious that you should protect and honour, not a hot topic of entertainment. It’s also disrespectful to him. Do you see him talking to his buddies and telling them the intimate details of your conversations? Most guys don’t do this. They keep things to themselves for the most part. They don’t go around blabbing about their fight from last night. How would he feel if he knew you were telling everyone (or even just one friend) about the personal stuff between you two? It’s the ultimate disrespect to a guy. I would even take it so far as to say that some look at this as a form of betrayal.
Lack of Intimacy.
This one is a biggie. It prevents you from becoming intimate with him! Believe me, I can totally empathize getting all worked up about something and wanting to go to a girlfriend so you can explode and let it all out. But by doing that, not only are you hurting your relationship in other ways, you’re also stopping yourself from becoming closer to him. And isn’t that the reason why you’re upset in the first place? You’re feeling detached from him in some way, angry or annoyed with him, or uncomfortable about something, and you want to make that better. It takes some emotional bravery and vulnerability to go to your guy and tell him if something is bothering you, and let him in on the inner details of your mind. But instead of telling him, you tell your girlfriends, your relationship isn’t benefiting in any way. And in the long run, it will prevent you from learning how to better your communication skills for future problems.
The moral of the story is that if you often find yourself discussing issues within your relationship to anyone other than your partner, try keeping things private for a few weeks and see if your relationship improves in any way. I strongly believe it will. Give it a try. Keep your friends and family out of it and you will see it lasting a long while.
To our hapiness. Cheers.
By: Kemi Amushan
