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How To Leave a Toxic Relationship

Learning how to leave a toxic relationship is never as easy as saying, “Hit the road, Jack!” – especially not when you are in love with your partner.

If you’ve been in a toxic relationship, you know exactly how emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting they can be. But if a toxic relationship is so taxing, why is it so hard to leave?

In this article, you will find out why it’s difficult to leave a toxic relationship and how to leave a toxic relationship for good.

How to Know if You’re in a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes it’s hard to know whether you are in a toxic relationship or not. It is often because of the manipulation involved in partner -toxicity.

Another reason why it may be difficult to admit that you’re in a toxic relationship is that there isn’t any outward abuse. Your partner may not hit you or cross any obvious sexual boundaries,[1] but that doesn’t mean you’re in a healthy relationship.

Making a pro/con list can be a helpful first step when learning how to leave a toxic relationship.

Pros might be that your spouse makes you laugh, you enjoy the same hobbies, and you love them.

But, what are the cons of being in your current circumstances?

When you make out this list, it’s important, to be honest with yourself. Does your partner do any of the following?

 

  • Doesn’t give you privacy
  • Cut you off from friends/family/finances
  • Prevents you from attending school or work
  • Is controlling and jealous
  • Makes all the decisions in your relationship
  • Pressures you into things you aren’t comfortable with
  • Makes “jokes” or criticizes you
  • Is unfaithful
  • Talks down to you
  • Destroys property
  • Sends threatening text messages
  • Invades your privacy (checks your phone/social media/follows you)
  • Threatens to do something horrible if you leave the relationship
  • Gaslights/acts like the things they are doing are not a big deal

If these toxic behaviors remind you of your spouse, this may be the wake-up call you need to take action and get out of your dangerous relationship.

Why Do People Remain in Toxic Relationships?

One of the main culprits is oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone in your body that releases during moments of intimacy. This could include making love, holding hands, kissing, or even cuddling with someone.

When oxytocin is released, it causes you to be more trusting of your partner, even when trust is not warranted. This sneaky little hormone is also guilty of promoting bonding, which can make it feel impossible to leave your spouse, even when you know they aren’t good for you.

In addition to the effect of oxytocin, here’re 5 more things that make leaving a toxic relationship difficult:

1. Abuse Weakens You Emotionally

Emotional abuse can be devastating to everyone, leaving the individual weak without self-esteem, making starting afresh a difficult decision to make.

2. It Can Be Life-Threatening

Leaving a toxic relationship can be dangerous, leading to all sorts of consequences, even death. Research shows that a toxic partner kills a larger percentage of women in weeks after leaving a toxic relationship than when they remain in the relationship.

3. The “It Will Stop Mindset’

Society has ingrained in us a “don’t give up on anything” mindset in which people follow even when they recognize it might result in something catastrophic. That mindset is also followed by having the thought that the abuse will stop eventually.

4. Social Pressure

There is always that social pressure from friends, family members, etc., to want a relationship – this pressure only makes the situation worse.

5. Social Reaction

People often don’t want to admit to anyone that they are going through a hard time, which cuts across relationships. People in toxic relationships don’t want to admit the kind of abuse they are going through because of fear or shame of being blamed or judged.

 

The Effects of Emotional Abuse in a Toxic Relationship

1. Fear

This is a constant concern or awareness of danger. You start to have trust issues with anyone you find yourself with that building a relationship becomes issue overtime.

2. Shame

You don’t feel free to interact with anyone who knows what you have gone through like Friends, family members, etc., which often can result in loneliness.

3. Confusion

Your mind consistently wonders, and you seem to lose concentration and cant focus on a particular task.

4. Drugs or drinking

Abuse often results in excessive use of drugs and drinking. Thought that it could take away the pain is a delusion.

5. Suicide

When the pain and trauma get too much, it can often result in the party taking their lives.

6. Sleep trouble

You don’t get to enjoy sleep as you are supposed to. Thoughts and anxiety become the order of every moment.

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

1. Know That You Deserve Better

Months or years of being told that you’ll never find anyone better than your spouse can wear on you, and you may even start to believe it. But this isn’t true.

Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is what abusers do to keep their victims trapped in the relationship.

Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra. Remind yourself of your worth every day.

You’ve tried your hardest to make your relationship work, but sometimes love is not enough, and you need to move on for your own mental and physical wellbeing.

2. Build a Support System

The emotions you go through for a toxic breakup are much the same as going through a breakup of a healthy relationship. You will feel conflicted, lovesick, relieved, depressed, and more.

Leaving a toxic relationship is especially difficult if you have been financially reliant on your ex – but don’t despair!

Instead of focusing on why this will be hard, focus on building a support system you’ll need when you take the plunge. Research shows that friend and family support during trying times lowers psychological distress.

Having a support system around will make it easier for you to move on.

3. Be Firm About Your Decision

Breakups are hard, no matter what the circumstance is. You’re leaving a life that you’ve grown accustomed to, and even if you know the relationship is no longer safe, it still sucks, leaving the life you’ve built for yourself.

There may be times when you are tempted to get back with your partner, but stand firm! You deserve a partner who loves and respects you.

Do not give your ex any false hope of getting back together. Be firm in your decision to leave the relationship and don’t budge.

4. Cut Off Contact

One of the biggest times for how to leave a toxic relationship would be to cut off all contact with your ex once you’ve broken up.

 

Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door for you to get back together. Plus, seeing your ex across social media will make the memory of the relationship feel fresh in your mind. Here’s what to do when you experience that.

Instead of dwelling in the past, focus on the future, keep yourself motivated. Delete your ex from social media, block them on your phone, and find ways to avoid seeing them in person. These actions will make it clear that you want nothing to do with them.

5. It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken

If you’re at the point of breaking up, you’ve likely tried all of the tricks to get your spouse to change their toxic ways.

Maybe you went to therapy, took a relationship class, or made date nights a priority – but nothing worked.

Your partner is not going to change, and it’s important to remind yourself of this often.

You did everything you could to help them and reason with them, and it didn’t work. Do not expect miracles after a breakup.

Even if an abusive ex changes their ways, it is likely only due to the shock of the breakup. If you got back together, their likelihood of returning to their toxic behaviors is incredibly high.

Learning how to leave a toxic relationship is one thing, but following through with it is an entirely different story. If you are having trouble leaving an abusive or toxic partner, reach out to a trusted friend, family, or call/text/chat with an abusive relationship support line like Day One.

Source: Lifehack

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Nike Folagbade: Ladies, 3 Ways To Become Approachable By Men

For a long time, I kept turning men off with my hard look. I wasn’t always smiling. A long face became a default and this made some men stay away. I had few people who approached me to correct me but I always felt they didn’t know what they were saying.

Ladies, do you want to be more approachable?

These days, a lot of men complain that it’s difficult talking to some girls because they either get shunned or don’t even bother approaching due to what they sense from afar.

I decided to write on 3 quick tips to make you more approachable among many other tips.

  1. Can you just smile? That was what a man told me as I came out of the bank some weeks back. I wondered if it was his business to frown but the more I frowned, the more he said, “Please just smile”. But I thought about it later on that he must have had the boldness to tell me while some ignored me because I didn’t smile. It’s not easy for men to approach ladies but your smiling face and open external attitude can reduce the fear in them.

Smiling increases good life and good health too.  Please smile.

  1. Look smart, classy and bright: To be sincere, I’m visual and I like it when people look good. This morning, I approached a lady and said, “Your gown is fine.” She didn’t hear me well, so I repeated it three times for her to notice and she smiled back and said thank you. Who no like better thing?

Looking good enhances a friendly environment and attention. Looking hot is different from nudity.

I was bad with my dressing before I got married and it made me less attractive. I shared so many wrong things I did in my book; “How I Got The Ring”. It took a lot of conscious effort, research and intentionality for me to get better.

There is a part of you that enhances your beauty, enhance it well. I have soft and nice lips, but at least, I can add a touch of wet lips or lipstick. Please don’t use lipstick to get a man if you will not use it after marriage.

Looking good is first from the mind so it has to reflect. You may look good and still not be approachable; you need to add the smile I mentioned above.

  1. Be humble and respectful: The only way to make a man feel a little comfortable when he approaches you is by responding to his little “HI or Hello” with a courteous response. It speaks a lot. Don’t just treat people like they are nothing.

The fact that he is shorter than you want doesn’t mean you should ignore him. Be nice, you may meet again. The fact that he wasn’t in a car doesn’t mean he is not valuable either. You may be surprised at where you will meet him later on. Be careful to create a good impression even if you don’t attend to his offer.

Not all friendships should become intimate relationships so build other kinds of relationships intentionally.

What are the other ways to become approachable?

I know we have a lot of them, do tell me some.

 

About Nike

Nike Adedokun Folagbade helps singles build healthy relationships via break up, dating and relationships coaching.

Her goal is to help many singles recover from heartbreaks, attract and keep the right partner and build healthy relationships.

She has been featured in numerous magazines, newspaper, television and radio programs like Channels, The Punch, Business Day News, CoreTv, The guardian, City fm, Happenings Radio amongst others.

Her Facebook group, The Right Partner Community is targeted at helping one single at a time achieve their relationship milestone. She blogs at www.nikefolagbade.com and can be reached via adenikeadedokun@gmail.com or hello@nikefolagbade.com

 

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10 Signs a Relationship isn’t going to last

It’s easy to get swept off your feet in a new relationship. But when the excitement fizzles out and the honeymoon phase is over, you can actually see signs that a relationship will work out for the long term. You can also grow aware of some red flags that a relationship won’t last. The signposts of a future breakup are many, but most people don’t realize what those look like. So, I want to provide you with some things to look out for that signify a broken or ill-fated relationship.

HERE ARE 10 SIGNS A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T GOING TO LAST

1. YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE TOGETHER.

One of the signs of relationship not working anymore is if you’ve been dating for a while but haven’t talked about your future. For instance, if you’ve been living together for 18 months but your partner refuses to discuss marriage, it could be a big red flag. Does he find it difficult to communicate properly, or does he actually not see any future with you?

2. YOU’VE BEEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR THE PASSION.

Passion has brought you together as a couple but what happens when that mellows down? If you haven’t experienced a strong connection in other areas, then it’s not going to become long-term. For a new relationship to flourish, it needs to go beyond the physical connection. You should be emotionally and mentally connected as well. So, if you feel that you’re in this together for the passion only, it’s probably best to end the relationship because that kind of connection won’t last long.

3. THERE’S NO HONESTY AND OPENNESS.

Mature relationships allow partners to be forthcoming and open with each other because of their level of intimacy. It becomes a big problem, therefore, when you hide stuff from their partner or when you feel you cannot be fully yourself with him. Psychologist Antonio Borrello told Huffington Post that hiding feelings can happen because there is no trust. It’s also possible someone is doing things that are not compatible with their ideas as a couple, so they bury the details. If this is the case, then the relationship doesn’t have a solid, strong foundation.

4. THERE ARE NO FIGHTS, BUT NO COMMUNICATION EITHER.

You believe you’re in a blissful, stress-free relationship because you don’t fight. But what you might not realize is that fighting is a form of communication. It happens when couples are trying to reach a compromise together. Couples who don’t fight aren’t communicating their feelings. It’s a sign that they don’t want to work their conflicts out, which could signal the end of a relationship.

5. YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER’S FRIENDS.

The company you keep defines who you are. People are usually drawn to make friends with folks who like the same things they like or have the same qualities they have. So, if you don’t like his friends, this can be one of the signs of breakup because that relationship won’t last. Why? You’re likely going to discover more things about him that you might not like as well. Remember, friends reflect who you are.

6. YOU’VE DEVELOPED SIMILAR INTERESTS BUT HAVE NOT PURSUED OTHERS.

Partners who love to do similar things ideally live happy together, right? When two people like the same stuff, it’s supposed to be positive, or at least that’s what everyone thinks. But relationship expert Erika Boissiere told Bustle that this isn’t always a good thing. If you’ve been doing the same things together and have stopped pursuing your separate and unique interests, then you could end up with a broken relationship. This implies too much dependency on your partner, which won’t allow you to grow and evolve into your own person.

7. THERE’S NO EMPATHY.

She had a huge fight with her best friend, but you can’t understand why she’s so depressed about it. So, you become dismissive of her feelings. But the lack of empathy for what your partner is going through is another sign that the relationship won’t last. If you’re attuned to each other, you must be able to understand and imagine each other’s struggles since empathy is also a form of connectedness. If this feeling doesn’t exist, you’re in a broken relationship.

8. YOU DON’T HAVE DECISIONS IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

Who always chooses where you eat or what movies you watch? In the beginning, always letting him pick the places might seem fine because it does feel good that he has taken care of these simple choices. But small choices do matter to your relationship if you’re trying to make it last for a long time. If your partner constantly dismisses your choices, that’s a sign that your opinion isn’t valued. This can hurt your connection with each other.

9. THERE’S NO GIVE AND TAKE.

In the same way as giving value to your choices, how often do you compromise? Who is always the first to make up and apologize when you have a misunderstanding? The romance can quickly burn out if there’s no give and take. If you’ve been sacrificing your needs just to “compromise,” then you will be drained and exhausted soon enough. The relationship will quickly meet an end because it is already a broken relationship.

10. YOUR PARTNER TREATS OTHER PEOPLE POORLY.

People always put their best foot forward at the beginning of relationships, but you should always pay attention to your partner’s behavior towards other people. For example, how does he treat waiters? How does he act toward his parents or co-workers? If you’re going to be in a long-term relationship with this person, you will have ups and downs. And when the love and affection aren’t there, how will he treat you? Your relationship might not have much of a shot if he’s this way.

Esther Ijewere™©

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8 SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE A RELATIONSHIP

The beginning of a relationship can be a whirlwind of excitement. Flirtatious chats, all that intimate tension. Unfortunately, many of us have had these honeymoon stage feelings and only found out later that our partner wasn’t anywhere near ready to handle a relationship.

While the relationship can be fun and casual, you’ll also want to make sure that you know the signs of when your partner is really ready to take the next step into a mature and adult relationship. Some people just don’t have the experience, while others just aren’t ready to mature yet.

But how can you identify a mature partner?

“Many women talk about dating a “mature man”. What they’re really referring to is “emotional maturity.” An emotionally mature man is a man who won’t shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life,” says author Christian Carter.

Make sure you know the signs of when your partner is ready to take that next step with you.

Here are 8 Signs Your Partner Is Ready To Handle a Relationship

1. THEY’RE WILLING TO SHOW VULNERABILITY

If your significant other is flighty, cagey and doesn’t seem to want to open up, it may be a sign that they’re just not ready for a real relationship. After all, a key component of being in a relationship is the ability and the willingness to be vulnerable with your partner. Your partner should be willing to share their feelings with you, even when those feelings are upsetting or uncomfortable.

2. THEY’RE AUTHENTIC

Your partner should act and feel like a real person. You shouldn’t have to watch them put on a show for the people around you. If your partner is authentic, it means that they’re willing to stick to their core beliefs, and don’t feel a need to fake it around other people. Your partner should be entirely comfortable with who they are. If they aren’t, how are they going to be comfortable in a relationship?

If something comes up or things don’t go their way, they’re able to handle it with grace rather than throwing a fit. You want to be sure that your partner is able to go with the flow, because life and relationships are always going to be changing when we least expect it.

You don’t want a partner who is using you for financial gain.

“It is important that someone be able to take care of themselves emotionally and physically. If they can’t, they will never be able to provide the support they need to provide when that is called for,” says clinical psychologist and author Mark E. Sharp, Ph.D.

Having a partner who is flexible and easily able to handle change means that they’re definitely ready and mature enough to be in a relationship.

4. THEY’RE INTIMATE

Having a good sex life is a pretty important part of having a mature relationship. If your partner has troubles with intimacy, it may be a sign that they’re just not ready to take that step with you. And that’s okay! People move at their own pace. Your partner should always be intimate in ways that aren’t just limited to sex. They should be able to share their feelings with you, and share parts of themselves that they don’t with other people. That is an important part of intimacy.

5. THEY HAVE GOALS AND STICK WITH THEM

Having goals is good, but sometimes people just put them on a shelf and forget to actually try and achieve them. You want to make sure your partner has the ability to make goals and also follow through with them. If they want to lose a few pounds, your partner should have the control to change their diet or exercise in order to do so – instead of just saying they want to without doing anything.

5. THEY HAVE GOOD FINANCIAL HABITS

The hallmark of someone who isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship is their inability to handle their finances. They should be able to pay their bills on time without accidentally overspending on things that they shouldn’t. If your partner has good financial habits and isn’t constantly running out of money on things they don’t need, it’s safe to say they’re mature enough to handle a relationship.

7. THEY’RE A GOOD PERSON

Being a good person is a culmination of many things. How do they treat strangers, service workers, their friends and their parents? What are their values? How do they feel about helping others? A lot of being a good person is knowing when to be selfless. If your partner has a hard time thinking about anyone other than themselves, then they might not be ready to think about you.

A good person is one who has “respect and kindness in his words and actions. You don’t feel belittled or less than even if he isn’t happy with you. He stands with you and has your back when you are struggling. Your priorities become important to him,” says marriage counselor and author Lesli Doares.

8. THEY’RE SELF-AWARE

Your partner should be able to notice both their strengths and their weaknesses. You want a partner who has a balanced view of themselves. If they think too highly of themselves, they may not be able to recognize when they’re in the wrong. If they think too lowly of themselves, they may not have the self-esteem it takes to maintain a relationship. Keep an eye out for your partner’s self-awareness; it’ll be a huge indicator of when they’re ready for a relationship.

Lets me also add that a mature partner should respect your differences

Not only do they respect them, but they also appreciate them. Your partner should appreciate your differences, and respect you as a person enough to not try and change them. If you find that your partner can’t seem to see past your differences, it may be a sign they’re not ready to handle a relationship

Final thoughts

Making sure your partner hits these checkpoints of maturity is important to knowing whether or not they’re really ready for a relationship. But at the same time, it’s important that you can say the same thing about yourself, as well! Relationships take two people to work, and you want to make sure you’re not holding your partner to a higher standard than yourself.

– Esther Ijewere™©

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GINA SMITH:10 LIES SATAN WILL USE TO ATTACK A STRONG MARRIAGE

Spiritual warfare is the tactic Satan uses to distract, destroy, and cause us to stumble. If we are children of God, he knows he can’t have us. But he will do whatever he can to hinder what God wants to do in and through us. Why? Because he hates God and he hates us.

Not only does he hate Christians, he especially hates the marriage between two believers. He’ll use every weapon he has to attack strong marriage and delight when they crumble.

Why does Satan hate Christian marriage?

Christian marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. It is a platform for the gospel. “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church,” Paul writes in Ephesians, about marriage. The enemy knows that if he can destroy our marriage or put it in a state of constant conflict and confusion, he will hinder the kingdom-building work God wants to do in and through us.

In marriage, most of the battle takes place in our heart and mind. The enemy knows the subtle lies he whispers in our ear can quickly do a lot of damage.

Here are 10 lies that the enemy whispers in our ears in his attempt to tear down a strong Christian marriage:

Lie #1: Your Spouse Is Meant to Satisfy Your Deepest Longings

“Your needs aren’t being met. They are being ignored. You deserve better than this. Your spouse is not making you happy or putting you first.”

Truth: The only one that can truly satisfy and make me happy is God. No person has the ability to meet all my needs or satisfy my deepest longing.

Lie # 2: If You Don’t Have the Energy to Invest in Your Relationship, That’s Okay

“You are so tired. You don’t have the energy to invest in the relationship with your spouse like you used to. Besides, you are married! You don’t need to do that anymore. They don’t appreciate it anyway and they don’t do much for you either.”

Truth: My spouse is a gift and I need to make it a priority to invest in the relationship. God can give me the strength I need, even when I am tired, to nurture our marriage relationship.

Lie #3: You Can Still Grow in Your Marriage without Intentionally Trying

“I know you haven’t had much time to talk with your spouse lately, but your brain needs a break! You are mentally exhausted. Take some time and scroll through Facebook for a little bit. Oh! Wait! And you need to catch up on your favorite show! Hello Netflix!”

Truth: We never know how much time we have, and we need to make the most of the time we are given. The Bible tells me to “redeem the time” and to live a disciplined life. I need to be careful I don’t waste time.

Lie #4: Date Night Isn’t Something You and Your Spouse Need to Prioritize

“You are so busy! You have to get the kids to school, and then you have all this work to do. And you probably should be more involved at church. Date night can wait.

Truth: It is important that I take time, on a regular basis, to evaluate and prioritize. My marriage is most important, and I need to make time for it, even if it means I can’t be committed to a few other things.

Lie #5: Marriage Is about Making Each Other Happy

“You deserve to be happy and you could really use some romance in your life. You need someone who will meet that need! You should really think about leaving if things don’t get better soon.”

Truth: Marriage is not about my happiness. It is a picture of Christ and the relationship to His church. It is meant to point others to Him. Yes. Romance is nice, and is a part of marriage, but I need to be committed to my spouse and to the covenant I made.

Lie #6: You’re Owed Something Out of Marriage

“You have the right to do what you want to do. You work hard and you are owed something. You work all day, and you deserve to rest. You deserve to be appreciated! You deserve a break from the kids.”

Truth: My life is not my own. I am called to serve my family and have a calling on my life to faithfully obey God regardless of how I feel.

Lie #7: A Budget Is Restrictive and Your Money Is Yours to Spend as You Want

“Don’t worry about budgeting. Why even try? Plus, you need a bigger house and your kids need a bigger yard. You need to be in a nicer neighborhood. You can get a part time job to finance it if you need to.”

Truth:I need to learn how to be a good steward of all that God has given me. I don’t need all that the culture says I need. It’s more important that I use my funds wisely and responsibly, and that I be generous with what I’ve been given.

Lie #8: That Person’s Husband/Wife Has Something Mine Doesn’t

“Don’t you wish that your spouse was more like your friend’s spouse? I bet he doesn’t play video games all evening or work late. If your spouse had a job like his, you’d be able to do so much more!”

Truth:Comparisons are not wise. I need to continue to pray for God to work in my heart and in the heart of my spouse and pray that we would learn how to best serve and encourage each other, being content with what we have been given.

Lie #9: Your Spouse Is the One at Fault, Not You

“You are not at fault! He doesn’t realize how he comes across or that the way that he talks to you causes you to respond that way. He is the one that needs to change, not you!”

Truth:I am responsible for how I respond, no matter what my spouse does or says, and I will be held accountable for my actions.

Lie #10: You’ll Never Change (And You Don’t Need To)

“You can’t help it that you act this way. It’s the way your parents were. You learned it from them. You will never change.”

Truth: No matter what my parents did or how I grew up, I do not have to choose to repeat any negative behavior. With the help of God, I can do what is right and honor God with my words, and actions.

No matter how strong our marriages may seem, none of us are immune from these lies and, in a moment of weakness, we can fall prey to believing any and all of them.

We need to remember that our love for God should be what shapes and motivates all that we do and say in our marriage. Our posture should be one of servants, not demanding, entitled rulers. When God is elevated, when he sits at the center of your thoughts and life, you will be aware of the fact that only he can meet your deepest longings and needs. Your marriage, although it can be a blessing here in this life, does not exist entirely for our happiness alone, but for God’s purposes.

What lies have you let slip into your marriage recently? What can you and your spouse do this week to reconnect and remember what is true about marriage?

Gina Smith and her husband have served on a Christian college campus as the on-campus parents for over 20 years. They have lived on the campus where they homeschooled and raised both of their children. In her spare time she loves to write and recently authored her first book, “Grace Gifts: Practical Ways To Help Your Children Understand God’s Grace.” She also writes at her personal blog: ginalsmith.com.

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KEMI AMUSHAN: WHAT MAKES A MAN COMMIT

Today, we are going to talk about the one thing a man must feel in order to desire a committed relationship with you.
I have always thought about it that what brings two people together for a lasting relationship. I asked a male friend of mine and he shared with me dis short story.Jide had recently broken up with a woman he had been dating for a few months. He was frustrated because all of the relationships he got into seemed to be superficial and fleeting. They did not last.

And he did not really enjoy them. He was starting to think that being in a relationship was not really worth it.
So then one day, he came upon a realization, something that changed the way he looked at how to create and build a relationship.

He said it was something that seemed so simple yet it had never even occurred to him before.
He said, the formula for commitment has one powerful ingredient. Then he digresses by telling me a bit about his childhood.While growing up, he never knew how to talk to women. He had one girlfriend before the age of 21 and she cheated on him with a close friend of his. He felt alone and frustrated and was determined to figure this stuff out.

He read books, attended seminars, and even got some counselor to guide him. He said he learned it all.

And it did not take long before he could meet a woman anywhere and create a relationship with her.
He got so good that most but if not all of his friends started coming to him for advice and he eventually became a coach. But he had a problem; none of his relationships would last.
Everything he learned was about playing games, manipulation, and pretending like he was someone he was not. He could not take it anymore.

No matter how many women he met, he always ended up in a miserable relationship that eventually ended in frustration and heartbreak.

No matter how many women he did meet and date, he always just felt empty inside.
Then he began drinking heavily to numb the pain of his disappointment. With everything he learned, he felt like he had not really accomplished anything.

His life seemed to be plagued with chasing short-term satisfaction and nothing to show for it.
So one day, he got together with some other friends of his and they realized that many of the guys using the kind of techniques he used in getting girls could not stay in relationships.

They just did not last. Some of the guys ended up in great relationships but most of them did not. So they decided to look at the ones that worked. What was different about them?
What were the patterns, the key elements that made these relationships last? Alignment.
The people who were successful were aligned. It was not just compatibility. It was not just shared interests. It was not just chemistry.
While those things are important, the most important factor was alignment. Alignment is the biggest key to commitment.

If you want a man to think of you as someone he can get into a committed relationship with, he needs to be able to see you as someone he can be with in the distant future.

He needs to see you as “marriage material”, He needs to see that his life and values align with yours.
If you do not align with a man’s life, he will never see you as anything more than a casual fling.
So how do you do this? You need to find out what his dreams are in life and consistently show him that you see him becoming the man he wants to be in the future.

Do this and he will begin to see you as someone he could commit to forever. It is that simple. Trust me.
To our happiness. Cheers.

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KEMI AMUSHAN : AVOID TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

I am sure most of you have heard this saying before…“If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” Most times, I promise you that its bullshit. Dating is hard enough without having to dodge to avoid people who are so bad, they seem like they come directly from a fantasy movie. It’s easy to think that it can’t happen to you. This problem is much more common than one would think, really. The way that a con artist manipulates his or her way into your life and lays it down to ruin your life is incredibly shame inducing, honestly and that’s why it’s easy to wonder why you didn’t catch it sooner or wish you had done something differently. The kind of attachment that these people create in the first few months of knowing them is strong and intoxicating, so much so that kind-hearted, empathetic people are often quick for manipulation.

For this reason, many people who have crossed paths with one of these nasty characters never tell their stories. If they do, they are used to not being believed. After all, no one wants to think that their charming new flame is in fact a sociopath or narcissist.

Unfortunately, I too have had my fair share of these types of men. One of my ex-boyfriends lied about every single detail he ever told me about himself. Recently, one of my old friends got angry at me that I would not help him lie to a new catch of his about his having three small children he had abandoned in the UK. Trust me, I blocked him instantly. Such a wicked and irresponsible man. He began bad mouthing me to our mutual friends that those ones started to believe that I had a personal vendetta against him, not that he had lied about anything or was capable of doing anything wrong.

But unfortunately for him, His new flame was smart to run like hell after finding out that not only did he lie about having kids, but also a whole host of other personal details. After she found a picture of him and his family on a mutual friends page on Facebook, he told us that she was psycho to be looking so heavily into his personal details. He also explained to our mutual friends that his crazy ex-wife had “forced” him to marry her, knowing he clearly wasn’t the father of the three kids, cruelly making him the fall guy. Can you imagine?

After hearing lots of other people’s stories about their experiences with sociopaths and con artists, I realize that so far I have gotten off really easily. Even if you have already had the unfortunate experience of a run-in with a sociopath, that doesn’t mean it will not happen again or that there will actually be any warning signs next time. But you have to know what they are all about…being able to sight their bullshit way across before they get to you.

I am sure you know that being a sociopath is a personality disorder. If you didn’t know, now you do. How do you know one? Impulsivity, lack of responsibility, lack of guilt, poor impulse control, lack of empathy, inability to form meaningful relationships, continued antisocial behavior, lack of behavior change after punishment, and strong emotional immaturity and so on. On the surface, the sociopath appears charming, accomplished, and worldly. So you need to watch closely. See beyond the surface.

With the type of traits I listed above earlier, that’s just one of a few. These types of people are usually so arrogant that they believe the rest of humanity is weak since they can be manipulated with their emotions.

I dated a narcissist once and oh my god, I wanted to pull my hair out when I got pushed to the wall. Like sociopaths, narcissists are also hard people to have relationships with. All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

Narcissists also have an overly grandiose sense of self-worth and a lack of empathy for others. They are arrogant, manipulative, need admiration from others, and are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love. They often maintain longer relationships than sociopaths even though their relationships can be just as twisted. Narcissists are not as likely to get as violent as sociopaths, but they can dish out emotional abuse just fine. They are considered less likely to be as sadistic as sociopaths.

The bottom line is that you don’t want a relationship with a narcissist either, and their relationships often follow the same relationship phases as a pairing with a sociopath.

Please run, run like hell if you start seeing these traits in the person you are dating. They never change, they only get worse. Trust me, I’m talking from three failed relationships with a narcissist. I took off early because I knew my worth and I could never allow such a person to bring me down…because that’s all they do. Choose wisely.

To our happiness. Cheers.

Source: Guardian

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