Domestic Violence - Women of Rubies

In Inspiration October 27, 2022 By Ruby Girls Nigeria

‘We Need To Stop Judging Women Who Leave Abusive Relationships’- Oluwatoyin Fadairo

There is no force greater than a woman determined to live a fulfilled life, and make a difference while at it. Oluwatoyin Fadairo is a goal-oriented woman full of passion. for humanity and affinity for change. TSD, as she is fondly called by friends, is a successful entrepreneur that also doubles as a philanthropist whose focus is on vulnerable women and children in the society.

With her creativity and innovative ideas, she has been able to create a niche for herself on social media, and this has landed her a number of ambassadorial and brand promotion roles with reputable brands and businesses across the world.

Oluwatoyin Fadairo is the Director of Operations for TSDXclusive, the home of quality bespoke footwear for men, and shoes for women and children. Oluwatoyin has successfully created a platform for children and women experiencing any form of abuse or human right violation, to seek and get necessary help and intervention.

Being a philanthropist, TSD is the founder of The Unbroken Women Initiative (TUWI), a non-profit organization that caters for women and children with psychological, emotional, and financial needs.

Oluwatoyin Fadairo shares her inspiring story with Women of Rubies.

Childhood Influence

Growing up was fun. I grew up in a relatively comfortable family, as my parents tried their utmost best to provide us with the necessities of life and my siblings and I attended some the best schools around. However, we were taught not to close our eyes to the needs of the people around us, as there are rewards for givers.

In our neighborhood, we had folks who were struggling to cater for their kids, my parents especially my mum always assisted in her own little way and I learnt this from her. I made up my mind at the early stage to ensure I am always there for people, in my own little way.

Inspiration Behind The Unbroken Welfare Initiative

The empathy for women who suffered all kinds of abuses in marriages. The trauma some of them experienced when they lost their spouse, seeing children, who ought to be in school doing menial jobs at the earliest stage of their lives, etc, motivated me to start The Unbroken Welfare initiative (TUWI).

The Journey So Far

Frankly speaking, it has been very challenging. This type of vision requires a lot of resources – human, financial and a host of others to sustain it and make desired impact in the lives of the target population.
A lot of financial resources are required to meet up with the ever mounting financial requests.

You will be amazed to see the number of requests that get to our table on daily basis, like financial assistance to sort medical bills, school fees, accommodations, etc. Many people believe, for you to set up this kind of NGO, the finances are there and you must be able to respond to all, immediately these requests are presented.

They are ignorant of the fact that the organisation runs on the little gains from personal businesses and goodwill of friends and family that key into TUWI’s vision.

Another major challenge we face is that people are skeptical of sharing their burdens with us. Many are reluctant to share their experiences due to societal discriminations, as well as pressure to keep quiet, especially those in abusive marriages/relationships.

Also, for every platform, there are people, who are not genuinely in need but cook up stories, to the extent of ‘cooking up’ fake medical reports in a bid to get funds from us. We also need volunteers, especially professionals, to assist in attending to diverse issues.

How My Work Inspire Other Women

I have seen a lot of women coming out to express themselves freely about challenges they are going through. People have walked up to me, to speak of their desire to touch lives in their communities, because they appreciate what we are doing. This gives us at TUWI, a lot of joy and push to do more.

Other Projects and Activities

I started my business years ago (sales of interior décor). I am now also into sales of fashion items mostly shoes and many others….brand influencing, social media adverts and campaigns for brands/businesses and brand ambassadorship (I am presently the face of two brands).

What I Enjoy Most About My Job

Getting to meet new people, helping small businesses grow as I also supply items in wholesales…I have a number of people who get items from me through what we call the dropshipping system, this makes it possible for people to start and run businesses without having to worry about capital
The most satisfying aspect of my job is the running of TUWI, knowing that at least I get to touch lives positively in my own little way

3 women who inspire me and why

My mum, Chimamanda Adichie and Olamide Ogidan Odeseye(Larmmy)

To People Who Judge Women Who Walk Out Of Abusive Relationships

Stop pushing people down the death valley. Life has no recovery key and we cannot continue to encourage people to keep enduring torments. If we only put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we will be less judgmental.
Then we need to let people especially this new generation know marriage is not a do or die affair, its supposed to be a journey between partners not a war zone.

How To support women in abusive relationships

As a society, we need to stop stigmatizing single people and single parents. This has prevented many from walking away from unproductive and abusive relationship.

We need to encourage women in abusive relationship to speak up and also provide them with therapy to enable them heal, as abusive relationship leaves people with a huge scar and takes so many things away – joy, self-esteem, vision and so many other things.

What Makes Me a Woman of Rubies

In the adventure of life, I have been through a lot of fire and storms. I have not given the fire the power to burn me nor subjected myself to be blown away by the storm. Rather, I have allowed the experiences to shape me into a woman of dignity, industry, influence, vision and respect.

No matter the challenges or the obstacles that come my way, I have chosen to live through them and to be inspired by them.

Watch: How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

My life is a proof that God exists, I am evidence that He is indeed faithful and so gracious. There are days I feel like my life is not all together, other days, I feel like wonder woman but I have learnt to be in charge, in both situations. Rubies are beautiful, they are formed under severe heat and pressure.

The heat of life refines me, the pressure of life strengthens me.

If I Could Speak To A Young Person Who Is On The Verge Of Giving Up

Quitters never win. No situation is common to a man and no challenge has ever come to stay, as long as one does not surrender to it. Never stop dreaming. Everyone being celebrated today, would tell you they were at the point of given up, at some time but they turned things around by realizing that, giving up would not result in change of fortune, they re-assessed where they were, where they ought to be, understand what was needed to move from where they were to be where they ought to be, resolved to give it all their all, connected with people who can lift up their spirits and assist them in their life journey.

Life is full of ups and downs but never give up.

You can follow Oluwatoyin Fadairo On Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to know more about her work.

In Career Gems August 20, 2022 By Women of Rubies

Lagos Launches Compulsory Pre-Marital Counselling To Prevent Domestic Violence

The Lagos State Government has concluded plans to start a compulsory premarital counseling exercises for intending couples in its latest bid to prevent and eradicate domestic violence in marriage,

The plan was announced by the government during a one-day engagement program for the state’s marriage registrars, organized by the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence agency (DSVA) in conjunction with the Ministry of Local Government and Chieftaincy Affairs.

Kikelomo Sanyaolu, the permanent secretary for the ministry announced this as a measure to prevent domestic violence across the state. Mrs. Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi, the executive secretary of the DSVA expressed her concerns about the gap in professional pre-marital counseling in the country and how it could have prevented most of the domestic violence cases because over 60% of victims saw the signs before getting married and still went ahead no thanks to inadequate counsel.

The event which had notable facilitators like Tinuke Odukoya, the Executive Director, Center for women’s health and information, Mr. Oladele Emmanuel, Founder, Institute of marriage administrators and counselors of Nigeria also had in attendance Mr. Praise Fowowe of the Institute of Family Engineering and development who had worked closely with the state in designing the 8 module pre-marital counseling program.

Mr. Praise Fowowe shared a data driven approach to curbing domestic violence through effective pre-marital counseling sessions. He commended the Lagos State Government for this initiative and entertained questions from the registrars on the challenges they have been facing and how to resolve complex marital issues.

Mrs. Titilola Vivour- Adeniyi announced a 3 – day training for the registrars to introduce them to the curriculum and train them on how to facilitate effective pre-marital counseling.

The registers took time to express their gratitude to the State Government for this laudable initiative which will promote a healthy family life within the state and a peaceful society

In Editor's Choice September 16, 2021 By Women of Rubies

I Was Sexually Abused At Age 8, It Took Me 22 Years To Open Up”-Oluwatobi Raji

Like a phoenix, Oluwatobi Raji is rising from the ashes of adversity and inspiring others to do so through her story. She is a Gender Based Violence (GBV) Advocate with focus on child safety, and has over 6 years work experience in the humanitarian field. She founded Every Child Initiative in 2019, a nonprofit that educates the public on preventive measures to child sexual abuse and rape of minors using social media and grassroot advocacy as a tool to disseminate her message. Oluwatobi was raped at age 8 by her maternal uncle and survived multiple counts of rape, ten times by ten different persons between age 13-19 years. She as well ensures safe space for vulnerable children living on the street via her partnership with 1 to 2 orphanage homes spread across 36 states in Nigeria.

The bachelor’s degree holder in International Relations and Diplomacy from Iscom University, Cotonou, Benin Republic also earned a Professional Higher Diploma in Aviation Management from Lagos Aviation and Maritime Business School, Lagos, Nigeria and graduated with distinction. Oluwatobi worked as a Survivor Advocate/Field Officer with Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT), Ministry of Justice, Lagos, , with successful effective arrest of domestic and sexual violence offenders in Lagos State, Nigeria.

She currently work as a Volunteer Project Manager at School On The Street Initiative ; a nonprofit that provides access to quality education for orphans and underprivileged children with an establishment of a free tuition school at Iyana-Ilogbo, a rural community situated at Ifo Local Government, Ogun State, Nigeria.

She has impacted over 3000 parents, teachers, guardians and over 5000 children via her house to house sensitization, rural rugged campaign, community sensitization program and face to face counselling. She has taken child safety advocacy to over 5000 households and 20 communities. Oluwatobi volunteers with over 7 local and international non-governmental organizations and this has added to her wide wealth of knowledge in the humanitarian field. She also works as an on-call Professional Caregiver with Flying Doctors Nigeria (FDN), to specifically care for COVID-19 patients. She shares her inspiring story in this article.

Childhood Influence

Growing up wasn’t really fun, though I had a pleasant time with myself as a child. I grew up in a family of 5, with a father whose religion was love for all. I am the first child of my family but my experiences as a child are the passion for in depth love to serve humanity. I grew up having a father, whose only language was love. As a child, the only language I grew up to understand is humanity while my religion is love. After my father’s death, life became hard and miserable with nothing and no one to lean on. We were left in the hands of close friends, who only gave their best as they could to assist us. My childhood experiences made me vow to ensure adequate safety for children in my little capacity.

Inspiration behind Every Child Initiative

Every Child Initiative is a nonprofit founded in January 2019 and advocates against child sexual abuse and rape of minors. The initiative’s primary focus is on ;preventive measures using social media and grassroot advocacy as a means in disseminating my message. The passion was born out of my concern on child safety and my personal experiences. I realised creating safe space for every child is everybody’s business, so the need to speak about child safety was very necessary. In January 2019, we carried out an house to house sensitization, educating parents and children preventing meausres to child sexual abuse and rape. Also in January 2020, I called upon some concerned individuals and advocates to join me in facilitating a Rural Rugged Campaign.

The campaign was organized in strategic local communities of 7 States in Nigeria, same day and time using indigenous languages to disseminate our messages. I have also facilitated the rescue of at least 3 persons off the street to a safe place, 2 children with a pregnant youth inclusive between March 2019 and October 2019.

The Journey so far

It has been quite demanding with several responsibilities, which includes mental tasks, physical energy and financial contributions. The journey so far comes with so many responsibilities, which sometimes results in self-denial of basic needs/amenities. There are moments of discouragement and loneliness but my focus to achieve a set has indeed given me continuous push never to relent.

Being a survivor of sexual abuse, and finding closure

I was sexually violated (Raped) at age 8 by my maternal uncle (My mother’s younger brother) and was threatened by my mother not to tell anyone, which continued till I was 14 to 15 years of age. This horrible and shameful experience opened and gave access to other perpetrators, as I was raped again by 10 different men, 10 times between the ages of 13 to 19years. It wasn’t easy at all for me, each passing day at those points in my life, my only wish was death. I attempted suicide over 5 times as a child and same as an adult. I never received any medical or psychosocial support, which later led to post traumatic stress disorder, depression, low-self-esteem, emotional and hormonal imbalance, suicidal thoughts, aggressiveness, anger and failed relationships. I was able to pull through, when I found my voice to speak out after 22 years of silence. I got support from an ex-partner, he introduced me to his doctor, who later recommended a psychologist and a reputable medical facility to seek help. Just like others, the relationship with this fellow also went down the drain due to the above mentioned and some other contributing factors. Sincerely, I am still healing because I lost everything in my life including family and loved ones, due to the past event in my life.

Volunteering for several organization & giving back during the pandemic

I currently work as a Volunteer Project Manager at School On The Street Initiative; a nongovernmental organization with an establishment of a free tuition school for underprivileged children at Iyana-Ilogbo, a rural community close to Ifo in OgunState. The free tuition school was set up during the Covid-19 pandemic to give back to the community. Also during the Covid-19 pandemic, as a trained member of the Nigerian Red Cross Society, I volunteered to sensitize the community on preventive measures to infectious disease. I also got relief materials of 100 cartons of Lifebuoy &Lux soap from Unilever, Lagos to give out to the community members of Abule-Iroko, as well as sensitize them on personal hygiene. I also received textbooks of about 400 from a reputable non-profit organization, which was donated to 530 underprivileged children in the community. Again during the Covid-19, I was able to impact a life by fundraising for an underprivileged pregnant lady to get delivery items and other baby resource materials.

My Certifications, fellowship and momentum

I am a trained anti-corruption personnel from Independent Corrupt Practices Commission (ICPC) Nigeria in conjunction with and Foreign Corrupt Practices Commission, a Global Youth Ambassador (GYA) with Their World (United Kingdom) 2018 – 2019, African Changemakers Fellow, 2018, United States Government, Young African Leaders Initiative (YALI RLC) 2017 Fellow, Accra, Ghana, African Young Leader Fellowship Program (AYLFP) 2019 Fellow, Accra, Ghana, Young World Leader For Humanity, 2018, My Body Is My Body Ambassador, Sheffield (United Kingdom), conferred Ambassadorial Honor at the International Youth Diplomacy Conference (IYDC) 2019 Accra, Ghana, Ambassador for Africa Project Against Suicide, 2020, World Literacy Foundation (WLF) Ambassador, Colombia, 2020 &am 2021, World Peace Icon Ambassador, at World Institute For Peace 2021.

I am also a member of the Nigerian Red Cross Society, Lagos State branch. She is an Advance First Aider by rank with successful records of emergency response, as a trained emergency first aid team (EFAT) member such as pre-hospital care, flood, fire, accident, election standby, Ebola virus, measles and the COVID-19 pandemic. I was a frontliner (Ebola Response Staff) during the Ebola epidemic in Nigeria and worked with the Federal Ministry of Health (PortHealth Services) for 1 year at the Murtala Muhammed International Airport, Ikeja, Lagos. I was also a frontliner during COVID-19 outbreak and worked as a Community Search Volunteer on contact tracing with the Federal Ministry Of Health at Alimosho LGA, Lagos State.

On the society and how to treat survivors of Domestic Violence and Rape

The society has so much concentrated on what we call The Blame Game rather than condemning the evil act of rape. 80% of the society still believes that survivors are the architect or causes of their problems. Some people even say to survivors, for this to have happened to you, then you are possessed. This myopic reasoning has empowered perpetrators to develop growth and expand their territories. Survivors of domestic violence and rape must be given adequate respect, regardless of whoever is involved. Domestic Violence and Rape is no longer joke and should be treated with zero tolerance. Until society takes up full responsibility for condemning the act, we won’t achieve a goal or victory.

To Young Girls who want to speak up but scared of being judged

My advice to young girls is to associate with positive minded individuals, whom they can trust well enough to discuss their issues with. They can also reach out to organizations who have existing structures and professionals who can attend to them.

Challenges of my work

As a child safety advocate, I advocate for both boy and girl child. This is due to my understanding that both genders are vulnerable, while the girl child has the larger percentage of vulnerability. When I started advocacy against rape, some people reached out to me to stop talking, so my chosen career won't hinder me from getting married or make friends and family dissasociate from me. This and so many sayings only fuel my energy in doing more. I have been threatened both offline & online social media, I have also received threats of being kidnapped, gangraped and making it public to shut me up. It has been a journey of the last breath, meaning I vowed to ensure my best is invested even if it means giving my last drop of blood. I see this to be a service to humanity, which I have never seen any man who serves humanity in vain.

3 women who inspire me to be better and why

There are amazing women I encountered their stories not-in-person but online, such as Dr Helen Paul (Nigerian Comedienne) whose birth was from rape. Joyce Mayer who was raped repeatedly by her father, Pastor Terry Gobanga (Kenya) who was kidnapped and gang raped on her wedding day. These three amazing women stories inspired me to live above my past, impact in lives and make living worthwhile. I also decided not to dwell in the past, make lemonade out of life given lemon which will in return produce beautiful fruits.

Being a Woman of Rubies

Oluwatobi is a gold that has gone through the process, she is a rare gift and unique being. My calibration carries a special identity which fosters so many happenings in my life (No Regrets). I only found mercy and grace in the sight of my creator, which made me stand out despite my rough journey.

On educating children early

Educate children on the identification of body parts from age 3, Educate children on the correct names of body parts from age 3, Teach children identification of a sexual perpetrator and sexual abuse, Teach children keeping secret of any form is wrong, Educate children that, their body belongs to them, no one has a right to see or touch and same thing goes to them. Educating children early enough will not only preserve but keep them safe from this heinous crime.

In self development July 7, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Esther Ijewere:15 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Two days ago Girl child advocate Olamide Alli was gruesomely murdered by the father of her kids, he plucked out her eyes, took out her braids with pliers and stabbed her 11 times, then killed himself afterwards.

The relationship which was started when she was 17 years old was described as toxic and controlling by many who knew the couple when they were alive.

Many women have been programmed to endure abusive relationships, an age long tradition of keeping face and suffering and smiling that make many women redundant or send them to their early grave.

However, Domestic Violence is a two way traffic, as men also suffer violence in relationships, but ego and societal perception of being seen as weak make them endure.

Three years ago there was a popular case of a lawyer who stabbed her husband thrice in the back and several times on his private part. Some tagged it a crime of passion while some women came to her defense , but I won’t support such irresponsible act, just because the culprit has the “W” tag. No justification for violence of any kind!!!!

Man or Woman no one deserves to die in such a way.

We nee to continue advocating for the rule of “Walking Away”, and stop telling people to manage abusive relationships, you are saving them from being killed or stopping them from killing out of psychological torture.

Abusive relationships are unfortunately very common. They come in forms of physical abuse and emotional abuse, in which both are equally as devastating.

Most are just pushed under the rug, in hopes their partners will change, out of fear of their partner, thinking it is just a momentary reaction or thinking it is completely normal. Abusive relationships are definitely unhealthy, and should not be continued. An abusive partner normally will never change, no matter how much they claim they are going to.

Here are signs you are in an abusive relationship and why you need to walk away ;

Being treated as a property or sexual object

2.Others see the abuser as a very nice person and the abuser acts very pleasant and loving between acts of violence

Denying the seriousness of the violence and /or blaming it on circumstances like stress, anger, partners behaviour, drugs, alcohol or other reasons

4. Constant jealousy , calls and/or surprise visits.

5. Controlling and/or treating you like a child such as interrogating intensely, tracking location, having to ask permission to go places or try new things, keeping all the money, and asking for receipts and proof of what you’ve been up to

6. Unrealistic expectations of perfect behavior and treatment

7. Isolation from family, friends, cars, phones, jobs, and/or the public

8. Name calling, degrading, and/or humiliating

Manipulating your emotions and making you feel like you’re the problem

10. Easily insulted, angered, or saddened

11. Feeling fear, nervous, unsafe, trapped, or hopeless

12. Forceful sex

13. Blaming others for mistakes

Arguing constantly and quickly.

Feel free to add other signs you know, remember nothing is worth losing your life/or going to jail for.

Walking away cost you nothing , just tell your legs to receive common sense before your hands get you in trouble.

“Esther is an activist, Writer, Columnist, Author and editor-in-chief & founder -Women of Rubies. She is passionate about issues that affect women and children.

Facebook: Esther Ijewere

Twitter & IG : @Estherijewere

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Email: admin@womenofrubies.com

In self development June 22, 2020 By Esther Ijewere

Ene Abah: Fighting Sexual Violence Is Our Collective Responsibility

We work far from home, away from our families, under a lot of pressure. People easily get vulnerable and have so much pent up energy inside of them. In places like this, stories of sexual misconduct are not uncommon, so finding ways to protect oneself is always necessary. At the time these incidents took place, there was a certain fear that came over me and I wondered if there might be another incident as I saw these men every day. Unconsciously, I paid more attention to what I wore around the house. Society has a way of inculcating the idea in women that they are responsible for incidents of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents seemed trivial and I didn’t have much reason to speak about them.

Before asking, he warned me by saying I have something to ask and I hope it won’t offend you. I told him to go ahead. Then he asked me if he could take me in his arms (direct translation). I immediately said no and moved on to talking about something else. We were watching a programme on TV and the question came out of nowhere. This conversation all happened in French and the French language can seem unnecessarily intimate sometimes. We lived together, he was one of my flatmates. I reckoned he just wanted a hug but the way he asked, it came off as a bit creepy to me. Sometimes, you click with people and feel comfortable enough to hug each other, it never crossed my mind to hug this colleague.

One day, like every other time, I took a walk with another colleague, which was a normal thing. This one was my buddy, we got along very well. He was one of the ones I was comfortable with and would hug every now and then in greeting. He was quite excited on this day and was chatting away. When we got to the spot we wanted to reach, the view was beautiful. I stood admiring it then I felt someone hugging me from behind. It could only have been him as the other people around were not close enough. I was slightly confused as I stood there. Someone hugging me from behind suggests a few things to me. Unsure of what may have followed, I broke the contact by suggesting that we take a selfie. It worked. Afterward, he posed for me to take photos of him, and at that moment, I said a silent prayer to God, “please let there be nothing more, let it be that his excitement got him carried away”. As we walked back, we talked as usual but before we could go far, he apologised. He said he was sorry if his action made me uncomfortable. I was relieved and said it was okay especially as I didn’t want to walk back in awkward silence. Then I chided myself for not saying ‘if it happens again, that’s when we would have a problem’. But I think he was smart enough to know that.

I like to give people the benefit of doubt until they prove me wrong. In scenario A, I think the guy simply wanted a hug. Who knows, he may have been missing home, but I was not going to give him any ideas or take the place of his wife. In scenario B, I worked very closely with this person for over a year before this happened. If he were hitting on me, it would ruin everything at work. In the light of #metoo, were I to voice out any of these, it could have people’s fathers and husbands out of work. Which I would hate to be responsible for.

You might wonder why a hug is such a big deal. We work far from home, away from our families, under a lot of pressure. People easily get vulnerable and have so much pent up energy inside of them. In places like this, stories of sexual misconduct are not uncommon, so finding ways to protect oneself is always necessary. At the time these incidents took place, there was a certain fear that came over me and I wondered if there might be another incident as I saw these men every day. Unconsciously, I paid more attention to what I wore around the house. Society has a way of inculcating the idea in women that they are responsible for incidents of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents seemed trivial and I didn’t have much reason to speak about them.

I am lucky not to have any rape stories but I equally live in some sort of fear. I am a front-line worker, I work in the humanitarian world. This means we work in places where there is conflict/war. We work in rural areas and in the most insecure places to assist vulnerable people. We have to interact with people from armed groups and there are always some who have little or no respect for order.

The last time I was given a post-rape kit, I was told how to use the contents in case of rape while I’m out on the field. I was also given condoms as part of the kit. My colleague made light of it when he explained that were I to be faced with rape, I could try to talk the potential rapist into using the condom by saying I have HIV. I could see that that was his way of trying to make us at ease while he was struggling to have such a difficult conversation. I laughed at some point to help him but then the female colleague I was with shared a glance of understanding. The world has come to that point, so I always have my condoms in my bag since I’m on the field often! I try not to think of possible rape scenarios while I’m on the field, but it is one of the many risks that come with my job.

Sexual assault, abuse, violence has been on the rise in our dear country, or maybe we are just becoming conscious of how bad the situation is. It is infuriating to know that the perpetrators commit these acts and walk free. I think of how these women might have felt in the moments of their abuse and all I can think of is fear. Fear paralyzes the victim, it makes the victim shut up, it encourages self-blame and so many other things. For those who are unable to speak out, the burden is very heavy! It takes a lot of courage to speak up and we need to create an enabling environment for victims to feel safe, to come forward, and then necessary actions should be taken. Shaming rape victims, when they speak out, should not be condoned at all.

Society needs to stop covering people up because it only enables rapists. A wife trying to save her marriage, a sibling trying to protect a sibling, making excuses for the rapist… all these need to stop! This cover-up only sets the breeding ground for more rapists. We cannot get tired of speaking about this issue. We have a collective responsibility to call out and punish rapists, and to protect vulnerable people/victims when they eventually speak out.

About Ene Abah

Ene Abah is an adventure lover, naturalista, food lover, travel lover, writer and is particular about sending positive vibes to others. Some of her interests are in writing, travelling, reading and generally enjoying life. Ene’s writing has been published in Top Chic magazine, Imbue magazine and on Imbue’s website. She blogs at http://belletammy.blogspot.com.ng/ Follow her on Twitter @tammyabah and on instagram @belle.tammy

Source: Bellanaija

In self development August 27, 2019 By Editor

ACTRESS, MONALISA CHINDA SHARES HER EXPERIENCE AS A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM IN HER FIRST MARRIAGE

Actress, Monalisa Chinda has revealed she endured domestic violence for five years in her first marriage.

In an exclusive with TopNaija, Monalisa revealed that she endured the violence because she wasn’t in a hurry to leave.

“I wasn’t in a hurry to leave the marriage, I gave it five years… Maybe if the marriage wasn’t violent, I would have stayed from day one from pushing of the head to slap to every slightest provocation….”

She also said that she expected the abuse would stop after the birth of her daughter, Tamar but it didn’t.

“When I had Tamar, I thought that would calm situations. But it didn’t. I knew this was not going to stop. So Tamar clocked one, the violence didn’t stop… So I said if I don’t go, this man is going to kill me and this girl. So I had to turn to God… I don’t believe in separation of any sort. I don’t believe in divorce. Why did I talk to God directly? Because I talked [sic] to in my church then, they didn’t do anything about it.

“I had a pastor. He didn’t do anything about it, not even calling him to order… And nothing changed. I turned to Holy Spirit now I said I’m going to leave. And I’m ready to face any consequences be it the media…

“One day, something happened… He came back and asked for something, it wasn’t available and next I heard was a bang on my head, slaps… My daughter was crying. Neighbours were screaming ‘you will kill her o! You will kill her o! Every day we no go hear something for this compound!’… That night… the friend came over and stopped it… The morning after, I’d packed my things and taken Tamar to go to my very good friend’s place… a colleague of mine who opened her home to me and my daughter… I had to go back again to get Tamar’s, few of Tamar’s things cuz I didn’t have any money…. and then he blocked me and immediately I went into tongue-speaking in my heart saying this man should not kill me today. And after that beating that day I almost died. I decided to never to come back there again.”

Credit: fabwoman.ng

In Career Gems March 28, 2019 By Editor

COMMUNITY RALLY ROUND WOMAN WHO WAS ATTACKED AND BATHED WITH ACID BY HER HUSBAND FOR ASKING FOR A DIVORCE

Doctors, teachers, and complete strangers from across the Bay Area, California,U.S, are rallying behind Atsade Nigese from Ethiopia, who survived a brutal act of domestic violence when her husband poured acid all over her face and body.

Speaking through her friend who served as an interpreter, Nigese says her husband, who was a federal police officer in Ethiopia, regularly beat her and broke her teeth.

But one night, a year ago, after she told him she wanted a divorce, she said he threw acid on her.

Nigese is now blind with scarred skin. Her body is disfigured and even her own son initially rejected her, saying he knew her by her voice but could not identify anything else about her.

Menbere Aklilu of Richmond said she wanted to help. Two years ago, she helped another Ethiopian woman, who had also been burned by acid, something she said her ex-fiance had thrown on her.

Because of that experience Akilu, who also survived an abusive relationship, knew how to get Nigese a visa. And she flew to Ethiopia to retrieve Nigese and invited her to live with her and get some medical help. Akilu said she’d love it if Nigese could one day see again.

“I want her to get her vision, that’s my dream,” Aklilu said.

For nearly seven months, Nigese has been living with Aklilu. The two women, both from Ethiopia, share another special bond, one they don’t wish on anyone else. Both have survived domestic abuse.

“I see myself through her,” Akilu said. “I’m lucky I run from him. So today I have the ability to help others.”

In her short time living in the Bay Area, Nigese is slowly learning to become independent once again. She’s learned to get around using a cane. Three hours a day, five days a week, Nigese learns Braille and English, with volunteers at her side.

On top of that, doctors from the University of California at San Francisco are donating their time and talents to reconstruct her ears, eyelids nose and mouth.

Credit: LIB

In Interviews&profile February 25, 2019 By Editor

MEET TITILOLA VIVOUR ADENIYI, COORDINATOR OF LAGOS STATE DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE RESPONSE TEAM (DSVRT)

Titilola Vivour Adeniyi is a Legal Practitioner with over nine years of experience in Public Service. Having served in various capacities in the Lagos State government, in 2014, she was appointed the Pioneer Coordinator of the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT). Since her appointment, she has facilitated the ratification of two landmark executive orders by the Governor of Lagos State- the Sex Offenders Register and Mandated Reporting, and the Lagos State Safeguarding and Child Protection Programme.

Additionally, she was actively involved in drafting of Policy Documents and Manuals on Investigating and Prosecuting domestic violence, mandated reporters manual, safeguarding the rights of a child, and other awareness process documents on handling of child abuse, domestic violence and rape which have been useful in creating awareness and sensitizing members of the public.

Driven by being able to make a positive impact on lives, she speaks on the Domestic Awareness Month (DAM), the body’s upcoming domestic violence awareness symposium this month and how to seek help.

Why was the month of September declared Domestic Awareness Month (DAM)?
Asides from the need to designate a special month in which we drive special awareness on this topic, DSVRT was actually established in September, on the 9th of September, 2014 to be precise. We are grateful to the Governor of Lagos State, Akinwunmi Ambode for approving the designation of the month of September as the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Awareness Month.

Would you say there has been any impact on domestic violence so far from the yearly symbolic walk held by the state governor?
Oh most definitely. There is greater awareness, people are more aware of support services available; they are better informed of steps to take to report cases. Some people say, ‘you people are always walking when would you stop?’ We would not stop walking, because we know there are millions of residents who still don’t know about the different services available and do not know that we are ready to stand by them. Similarly, we have continued to see an increase in reporting made by good Samaritans, mandated reporters, whistleblowers, who would before now, turned a blind eye, but are now rising up to their roles as effective bystanders and speaking on behalf of the most vulnerable in our society. We must never underestimate the impact of political will, when an entire state’s leadership embarks on a mission and passes a strong message, this message subconsciously begins to reside in the minds of the populace that we mean business on this issue of fighting Domestic Violence.

According to statistics released by your office and the Commissioner of Justice, DV is on the increase, with numbers already doubling that of last year. Why this surge?
The truth is that we are now witnessing a rapid increase in rate of reporting, and not necessarily that acts of domestic violence and sexual assault have increased that significantly. We need to appreciate that the concerted effort on advocacy, not just by DSVRT by the way, but also by NGOs, some celebrities who have consciously used their platform to speak up, setting up of a special court for quick dispensation of Justice, and then all of these backed up by the strong political will power displayed by the state Governor. All of these efforts have contributed to a situation where people are now more encouraged to come out of their shell and speak up. From our end, several initiatives we embarked on are now bearing fruits by virtue of increased reporting. We have introduced different channels for reporting. By leveraging on technology, we launched the *6820# USSD application, with support from MTN and Airtel. We have also improved our social media presence. A good demographic of our population is the youth; it therefore became imperative that our message is easily accessible for our different target audience. This has also informed our increased presence on social media and so asides from our hotline, and people that come into the office, we have increased access to justice channels hence the increase in reported cases.

Does these figures discourage you in any way?
I am far from discouraged; in fact I am optimistic that we are slowly breaking the silence that has for so long allowed these vices to perpetuate. Sexual and Gender Based Violence remains one of the most underreported crimes all around the world. In the past three years, we have seen a steady increase in reporting of cases. This year, we have started to see an average of 150 new cases monthly. We know that we are just scratching the surface. But with visible political will, cooperation of the society, and improved professionalism in the handling of these cases, we know we are well on our way to ridding this menace out of our society.

What new approach are you employing in actively fighting DSGBV?
We are tackling the issues from a holistic and more sustainable perspective. Partnering with marriage registries, health centres where we are able to reduce the chances of cases occurring by sensitising new couples, as opposed to counselling and responding to cases when the deed has been done. As regards children, we are infusing child-friendly awareness content into the school curriculum so that they are aware of their rights and those rights are properly safeguarded.

What are signs to look out for in reporting DSGBV cases?
Working out whether one is in an abusive relationship or whether abuse has occurred is not always easy. For Domestic Violence, some signs to be wary of include Possessiveness, checking on you all the time to see where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, tries to control where you go, and who you can see and gets angry if you don’t do what they say. Jealousy- when a potentially abusive partner accuses you of being unfaithful or flirting without any basis or evidence. Segregation- Isolates you from family and friends, often by rude behaviour. Issues threats, Put downs, either publicly or privately by attacking one’s intelligence, looks, mental health or capabilities. Constantly comparing you unfavourably with others. Blames you for all the problems in the relationship, and for the times they are out of control or violent. Whilst for Child Abuse some red flags to look out for in cases of physical abuse, questionable, recurring bruises or fractures, bite marks. For Neglect, persistent hunger, stealing or hoarding of food, abrupt, dramatic weight change, persistent poor hygiene, excessive school absences. For Sexual Abuse, age-inappropriate knowledge of sexual behaviour, unexplained fear of a person or place, unexplained itching, pain, bruising or bleeding in the genital area, venereal disease, frequent urinary or yeast infections.

Did you always know you would end up a crusader for women and children’s rights?
I have always believed public service, and public administration is one of the greatest vehicles for addressing inequality, justice and sustainable development. This is why I never take for granted the opportunity given to me to serve and make an impact.

What would you say have been your greatest achievements so far heading the DSVRT?
DSVRT was set up four years ago as the first of its kind in Nigeria. The fact that the Federal Capital Territory has replicated the DSVRT model and eight more states are toeing the same path, is proof that we are on the right track to providing a sustainable solution to a problem that has spanned decades or I dare say centuries in our country. This for me is our greatest achievement so far, seeing the success attained being replicated across the country and one day hopefully the multiplier effect spans across every part of Nigeria.

Have there been any experience(s) that made you want to give up?
When we first started, there was a lot of resistance by the society, and sometimes even from survivors themselves who are being pressured to drop a case(s). The fact that we were up against a cultural and mindset obstacle was initially frustrating and draining, however, it helped us redefine our approach and that has even taken us to dimensions we had not conceived when we initially started.

Credit: Guardian Woman

In Career Gems February 4, 2019 By Editor

LAGOS STATE RECORDS 134% RISE IN SEXUAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The 2018 report of the Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team of the Ministry of Justice, Lagos State, has shown a 134 per cent increase in cases of rape, defilement and domestic violence handled by the agency compared to the previous year.

The report indicated that DSVRT handled 2,356 cases in 2018 – 1,312 higher than 1,044 cases treated in the preceding year. In the year under review, the agency recorded 1,750 domestic violence cases, 279 child abuse cases, 78 defilement cases, 44 cases of rape, 51 attempted rape cases and 154 other cases.

While the number of domestic violence cases increased by 817, the incidence of child abuse and defilement rose by 251 and 37 respectively. Rape cases was 24 higher compared to the 2017 report.

According to the 2018 statistics, the office on the average received 166 new cases monthly and got 840 genuine reports via the 6820 emergency short code.

The report stated, “The team recorded a major increase in the number of cases handled in 2018. A total number of 2,356 cases, including 1,750 domestic violence cases, 279 child abuse cases, 78 defilement cases, 44 rape cases, 51 attempted rape cases and 154 other cases were handled. It was discovered that the number of cases increased by 134 per cent in the year 2018.

“DSVRT has responded to 439 reports of domestic violence, 215 reports of sexual abuse and 186 reports of child abuse – all reported via the 6820 platform. What is most exciting about the platform is that it breaks the initial barrier of people not wanting to make formal reports at an office or police station. We are now able to interact directly with survivors and concerned witnesses and take vital steps in dealing with a case.”

The report added that DSVRT focused on children who experienced violence at the hands of close relations, noting that a total number of 2,646 children were exposed to domestic violence within the home. Some of the children were said to have been taken through counselling programmes to ensure that their experiences did not have permanent and negative impacts on them.

The report said, “From January 2018 to December 2018, the attention of DSVRT was drawn to incidents of child abuse in 19 schools. All the erring schools are under investigation by the Office of Education Quality Assurance in the Ministry of Education. All the defilement cases have been taken to court.”

Credit: LIB

In self development January 29, 2019 By Editor

NIGERIAN WOMAN DECLARED MISSING WITH HER KIDS ALLEGEDLY RAN AWAY FROM HER ABUSIVE HUSBAND

Yesterday, LIB shared the story of a woman and her two children who have been missing since last week Friday January 27th. A twitter user Lawrence Olanrewaju who shared the story online, said Shalom Sam-Ogbaji, went missing last week.

Well, some people online are saying that the lady might have absconded from her matrimonial home with her two kids because of her husband who is alleged to have been subjecting her to domestic violence. Read some comments posted on LIB and twitter below…

Credit: LIB