In self development January 11, 2021 By Women of Rubies

4 Essential Stress Relief Tips To Practice Everyday

Occasionally feeling stressed is a common experience you’ll deal with throughout your life. Many areas of your life, ranging from work to domestic life, are potentially stress-inducing for a wide range of reasons. As per Gallup data, 55% of Americans are stressed during the day, making them one of the world’s most stressed-out populations. As such, it is vital to know some useful stress relief tips to help you cope with life’s burdens as they arise. Take a look at these helpful points below.

Do something pleasurable

Several experts agree that one way to effectively de-stress is to engage in simple, everyday activities that please you. Stress is often cumulative, building up from multiple sources in your life. If left unattended, this cumulative stress can eventually overwhelm you both physically and mentally. Engaging in occasional acts of pleasure interrupts this stress accumulation by inhibiting your brain’s anxiety responses, preventing it from reaching overwhelming limits and making it easier for you to cope.

Consequently, try to engage in simple acts of pleasure to give you breaks from your stressful routine. Taking a warm bath, spending time on a favorite hobby, occasionally treating yourself to some “comfort food, etc., are significant steps you can take towards stress relief. Additionally, many experts recommend occasional vaping for stress relief because it helps you remain relaxed and happy. Therefore, feel free to order some Delta 8 THC carts for your vape pen to help you stay calm and happy despite your life’s many stressors.

Go outside more often

A Science Direct study proves that spending quality time outdoors benefits your mental health greatly by alleviating feelings of pressure and mental stress. Additionally, other research from an emerging scientific field called ecotherapy shows that spending time in nature can significantly reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Therefore, a simple and inexpensive stress relief tactic you can use is to spend more time in nature rather than being cooped up indoors all the time.

Indoor living, whether in the home or office, is full of stress inducers. Being outdoors substitutes these routine high-pressure environments with calmer surroundings that have an instant mood-boosting and recharging effect. Spending time outdoors can also help you gain a crucial perspective on life because you see a bigger picture of the world that transcends mere domestic and work life. So, integrate outdoor activities like biking, hiking, taking long walks, and camping into your routine to escape your usual stressors and boost your mental health.

Have a good laugh

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. Indeed, several health experts and researchers agree that this saying’s authenticity has solid scientific backing. According to science, laughter stimulates your organs because you take in more oxygen anytime you laugh, which is good for your muscles, lungs, and heart. Stress typically causes tension in parts of your body, and the spasms of laughter unwind these tense areas by making them more relaxed. A good laugh can reportedly relieve your body’s physical tension for up to 45 minutes!

Laughter releases endorphins that give you the “feel-good factor,” counteracting the harmful effects of cortisol (stress hormone) and reducing your blood pressure as a result. Laughter also distracts you from worrying thoughts, improves your mood and even your immune system. Therefore, sneak in episodes of some widely acclaimed sitcoms like Modern Family and The Office or revisit some Dave Chappelle classics to have a good laugh that is sure to de-stress you.

Quit multitasking

Although multitasking seems like a more efficient way of getting things done, several experts advise that this could be a deadly stress inducer. Science explains that your brain can ideally focus on one task at a time, so juggling more than one task drains your brain beyond its natural capabilities. Your brain copes with these increased demands by pumping more adrenaline and other stress hormones that give you an energy boost. A steady supply of these stress hormones over time strains your physical and mental health, causing conditions like depression, heart disease, back pain, etc.

Aside from experiencing physical and mental health struggles when you multitask, you are also counterproductive; dividing your efforts and attention between tasks results in limited input for each of the tasks. Consequently, you may take more time to complete tasks while churning out substandard output. Therefore, try to cut out multitasking in your daily routine to reduce stress and increase your productivity.

Try the 4 A’s

Multiple experts recommend practicing the 4As of stress relief as a potent way to de-stress in your professional and private life. The 4A’s are avoiding, altering, adapting to, and accepting situations that cause stress in your life. Avoiding stressful situations may help to eliminate the stress sources that surround you. For example, by learning to say no to proposals that are more than you can handle, you avoid potential stressors. Avoidance also means limiting the amount of time or ending relationships with people who consistently stress you to control your mental health better.

Taking control of your environment is also an effective way to relieve stress. For example, if going to the market is a stressor, consider doing your grocery shopping online. Effectively altering situations can also be useful in reducing stress and anxiety. Communicate feelings that stress you instead of bottling them up because bottled emotions cause resentment build-up, facilitating a spike in your stress levels. Finding the right work-life balance is also key to altering situations, so keep this in mind to relieve stress.

Adapting to conditions is the third “A” you should try to de-stress, mainly because there are situations you can’t change. Therefore, you can reframe problems to cope with difficulties better instead of allowing them to stress you out. For example, instead of fuming about being stuck in traffic, see it as an opportunity to enjoy some alone time or listen to your favorite podcasts. Finally, accepting situations you can’t change like other people’s behavior is also an effective stress reliever.

Source: BauceMag

In Inspiration January 11, 2021 By Esther Ijewere

Yewande Jinadu: Don’t Get Scammed! These 5 Tips Will Help You Spot A Fake Job Post

I’ve activated my ‘recruiter super-powers’ and collated some red flags you can look out for to spot a fake job advert, so that you don’t even bother applying.It’s no news that there is a high rate of unemployment in Nigeria, which has resulted in people looking for creative ways to defraud Nigerians. Companies involved with multi-level marketing like GNLD, Neo-Life, etc. now create ‘job vacancies’ just to bring people together to ask them to pay a fee to join their distribution network.

This is a scam, because it lures people into applying for a role that doesn’t exist. If the intention was clearly stated in the job advert, then it won’t be a scam. Some adverts out there are worse, especially those pushed out by kidnappers, corporate robbers, and fraudulent people. Therefore, young graduates need to be more careful when sending out CVs that contain personal details like ‘home address’.

I’ve activated my ‘recruiter super-powers’ and collated some red flags you can look out for to spot a fake job advert, so that you don’t even bother applying.

No website or online presence
If all the results that come out on Google are random job adverts on job boards with no website where you can read more, it’s likely to be fake. Any serious company will have an online presence like Google My Business, VConnect, or any other verified website – even if they cannot afford a good website. I advise that you search for what others are saying on Nairaland, because as scammers rebrand, someone comes to Nairaland to update others.

No experience required
Some genuine job posts do not require any experience, but when you see a job that offers lots of juicy packages that ideally fit a senior role, and does not require any experience, then it is a sign that they are not genuine. Do your research very well! If they don’t have a functioning website, then how do you expect them to meet up with all that was stated?

Unprofessional E-mail address
A company that can afford a website will most likely use an official email for recruitment. What I mean is that their email address usually ends with ‘@(the name of the company.com (or the domain address)’. So if you see an email address that says recruitment@careerlife.com.ng, their website would most likely be careerlife.com.ng. I know of genuine recruiters that use Gmail to collate CV’s, google them first! See if they have posted adverts with the email and what people have said. Any serious recruiter won’t use funny email addresses like sexyrecruiter15567@yahoo.com.

Your results don’t add up
Sometimes, I see some fishy job adverts and after searching it, the email address provided is not related to what’s on the company’s job site. E.g., if it includes someone’s name attached to the email, check the person out on LinkedIn to see if the person really works there. I see a lot of Shell and Chevron vacancies being shared on Whatsapp. It is important to note that these companies don’t even use email addresses for their vacancies. Even if they do, the email address provided isn’t the same template with what they really use, so that’s a big red flag.

The job description is sloppy
When you see a job advert that barely contains proper information about a role or the job title is entirely different from the job description or there are a lot of grammatical errors, this should deter you from applying. Be very wary of those adverts from big multinationals that are poorly written. Most times, they are not from the recruitment team. Structured companies have a good HR Team with quality checks in place.

In self development December 10, 2020 By Women of Rubies

Should You Really Learn Something New In 2021

It is that time of the year where so many things are flying around, especially as it touches the new year that is less than three weeks from now.

While it is good to make plans ahead for the new year, it is also important to ask yourself one important question:

“Should I really learn something new in 2021?”

Take a pause and ask yourself and try to answer it before you continue reading.

It is necessary to be intentional about what you want to learn and with whom you want to learn the something new.
Beyond learning something new, it is great to be intentional about spending time asking yourself the thing you are exactly curious about. What does your soul need? What would be of great benefit to your mind? Body? How would it improve your overall wellness and even your finances?

Reflect on what you want to learn and don’t just set out on learning something new just because you think you have to be in on the newest thing. Don’t set out on something new because you need something to fill a void or keep you “busy”.

The times you set out to learn something new just because, you can tell that you weren’t committed overall, you felt so unsatisfied and you ran off to yet another new thing just to satisfy your persistent and insatiable quest for the “answer”.

Now is the time to sit back and pay attention to your desires and where it leads. Trust what beckons you to learn something new and to be more realistic about what you have time to take in.

Here are the prompts you can use to focus your learning to what really matters:

1. What do I want to learn if time and money were no object?

Consider anything and everything. For the next month, the next six months, the next year, the next five years.

2. What’s my motivation in wanting to learn _____ (insert what you want to learn)?

This question helps will help you ferret out if your motivation is related to fears of not being enough or getting THE ANSWER.

NB: “because it would be fun” is a great answer.

3. How might I grow by learning __________?

By learning about programming, you might grow and develop your problem solving skills. By learning about dress making, you might learn how to enjoy the process and journey of a thing even as you look forward to its outcome.

4. How could I learn this for free? Who could I ask for help?

There is so much great information in books, on the Internet, in your friends’ and colleagues’ brains, and already on your hard drive – all those programs and classes you’ve already bought!
All those bookmarks you spent 2020 saving and you’ve never gone back to reading, all those tabs you have opened in your browser.

If cobbling together your learning feels too hard, stop and ask yourself if you really want to learn this or if you just want to buy something that will make you feel like you learned it? Then go back and consider your motivation.

5. How will I measure my progress? What will be enough?

This question addresses the hungry ghost feeling of always wanting more, more, more, or signing up to learn something so you will finally be ready to do what you want. This question helps you get more clear on what exactly you want to learn. Maybe all you really want to learn is how to do this itsy-bitsy budgeting thing that you can learn from your friend who is an accountant rather than signing up for a two-year course in financial management.

6. Do I have time for this learning?

You may deeply desire to take your fitness seriously or get a Ph.D. in data visualization, but if there isn’t enough time, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and waste.

7. Am I using learning as an excuse to wait to take action on a desire?

Learning can become a way fear convinces you to wait until you know a little bit more, have another certification or degree, or feel a little more confident, and then you can do what you want to do.

If that is why you want to learn, I beg you to first:

Use some of your materials and make a new dress. Practice that tailoring knowledge you already have.
Teach your subject to a group of friends in your living room.
Give a presentation at work on your subject.

There are a million ways in every field to create and share your ideas. Do that before you learn something new. Please!

And finally,

8. What learning would give you true pleasure?

Too often we sign on to learn things we think we should learn to prove ourselves to someone else, or because we are still pursuing a goal that we no longer care about. Why don’t we skip that in 2021?

Here’s to learning and growing until our very last breath.

In self development November 30, 2020 By Women of Rubies

Damilola Ogunrinde: Sex, Condoms and Nigerian Men

A few weeks ago, I asked Tamara of the Yellow Wall what her thoughts were on sex. She told me that one of her deep concerns for young Nigerian women was that a lot of men hate using condoms.

It is a well-known fact that men often refuse to use condoms in casual, polygamous, or long-term relationships. So when I had a discussion with Dr. Pepple of Pepple’s Hub on another episode of Taboo Doctor, I asked him why men hate condoms. His answer was simple: it doesn’t feel the same. He, however, encouraged men to use condoms for the following reasons.

Sustained sexual pleasure

Due to the nature of premature ejaculation, condoms can prolong the time it takes before climax is reached, thereby leading to a more satisfying sexual experience and a happier partner. It will also give a whole new meaning to ‘no glove no love.’

Do not wait until you have STI symptoms to get tested

Symptoms of sexually transmitted infections for men include burning, pain, ulcers, and itching, however, waiting until symptoms begin to show may be too late especially if one is sexually active with multiple partners. Dr. Pepple encouraged young men to not only have condoms handy but also to make it a commonplace practice to seek out health screening and ensure they know what their status is for HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and even syphilis. Read more about STIs.

Religion vs Sensuality

During our conversation, Dr. Pepple recalled an incident in his final year of medical school when a professor of gynaecology left a young lady with more questions than answers after she had come to him seeking advice regarding anal intercourse. Upon her exit, the professor had informed him that he believed evil spirits possessed her. Our culture and religion have developed social constructs that interfere with how we experience sex in relationships. As a result, we are less likely to have open and honest conversations about our sexual concerns and difficulties.

Fear of the unknown

Because we live in a society that is judgemental and almost hypocritical about sexual issues, many men are less likely to seek out help, even from qualified medical professionals. Many end up keeping it to themselves when they have symptoms and such delays could lead to infections which could, in turn, lead to pelvic inflammatory disease and infertility.

Getting an STI screen in a long-term relationship

A few years ago, I asked you if you trusted your partner’s partners and highlighted why screening was necessary. If you have any concerns, doubts or worries, get screened and talk to your partner about it. Your health matters and it is your responsibility to seek out the help that you need.

The conversation with Dr. Pepple was insightful and revelatory, and it exposed the concerns which men often have but are less likely to discuss due to the rules of engagement that society has constructed.

What do you think? As a man, do you feel more likely to seek out medical attention to assess your sexual health? As a woman, are you tired of cajoling your man to see a doctor?

Men, what do you think about the fear of vasectomy, is it a valid concern? Keep your eyes peeled for the vasectomy episode which comes out in two weeks. Make sure you subscribe so you do not miss out when it drops.

Source: Bellanaija

In Editor's Choice November 23, 2020 By Editor

#MondayMotivation -Do Something You Love No Matter What

Mondays are always an interesting day to write about. I have previously touched on the Monday Blues. Those of us who have to get going and get it done at work. It is difficult, but our hard work is what makes America great. Keep it up and keep going.

If you are reading this, you made it to another beginning of the week. The reset button has been pressed. You have your coffee, energy drink, juice, tea, or if you’re like me, just a glass of water. You log onto to read a blog and find an article with the title of Monday Motivation.

I am a believer in living your dreams. I was not always like that, but I am now. I learned that you need to at least try to do something that you enjoy doing. If you try and fail, well, at least you tried. If you succeed and are able to make money doing what you love, then you will always be happy in my experience.

We all know that it does not always happen that way, does it? Life can be tough and unmerciful. As you work at it, you might find that doing what you love can be very difficult.

Sometimes, you try, but it just does not work out no matter what you do, who you know, or where you study. You do not get the break you need and you end up stuck in a job that seems completely mindless. Maybe not even mindless, but it could seem like something you do not want to do at all.

Where does that lead you? You get stuck sweeping floors, in a windowless cubicle, a basement, or working up one too many beads of sweat. Hey, if you dreamed of any of those things, that is great. Those are just examples.

Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that it is no fun when you do not love what you do, especially if you have at one time you did.

It can feel like every day is the same thing over and over again. The annoying coworker, the harsh boss, the too friendly receptionist, and of course the HR director who thinks they are a prison warden. You see and hear all of these things and at times you call in sick just to get away. Believe me, I have done it before.

As each minute, hour, day, week, month, year, and for some, decade pass by, you feel like there is no end in sight. You just want to keep on keeping on, but you also want to pull your hair out when it seems like everything is going wrong. Trust me, things will go wrong. Sad, but it’s true.

Am I striking a nerve with anyone?

I bet you are starting to wonder where the motivation is? Do not worry, that is up next.

I will give you some advice: find something you love and just do it. It sounds so simple that it is almost cliché.

You might be wondering, “Wait, what happened to all of that “life is tough” talk?” It is true, but what I am talking about is during your “me time.” If you do not have any, make some. You need it.

During this time, do not just sit around and watch TV or do nothing on the computer, do something you love.

If you are an artisan: write, make music, sculpt, sew, draw, paint, or whatever. If you are a cook: try out new recipes as often as you can. If you are into computers: program, invent games, or create an app. If you are into sports: join a gym, ride a bike, learn to skate, learn karate, or take up shooting. If like to read: try a new genre, subscribe to a magazine, or read a long old fashioned novel like War and Peace. Of course, all of these suggestions are just examples. There is no shortage of fun things to love or to learn to love.

Whatever it is, you need that time to yourself to recharge and rejuvenate. I honestly think that more people are unhappy in their work because they do not take that special time for them. It is something that is so important.

I honestly hope that this did motivate you. If you find yourself in a job that is not your first choice, do something you love no matter what.

By : Jacob Airey

In self development November 23, 2020 By Women of Rubies

‘Money Doesn’t Always Bring Happiness’ – Lizzo

For some, money and fame may seem like the answer to all of life’s problems, but many successful public figures would say differently. In a recent viral video, singer and rapper Lizzo spoke about how obtaining more money won’t solve all of your problems and the heavy burden that comes with fame.

“You can be the coolest, most richest person ever and it doesn’t buy you f*cking happiness. Money doesn’t buy you happiness,” she says in the video posted on her TikTok. The musician starts to get more emotional as she says how it still takes personal development and that fame doesn’t make it easier.

“Fame only puts a magnifying glass on the sh*t that you already have. And if that sh*t is fucked up, you’re just going to have even more magnified f*cked up sh*t in situations where it doesn’t even seem valid or like you’re even supposed to feel that way so it f*cks you up even more because you feel so unf*ucking grateful,” she continued, encouraging listeners to do that “inner work” to progress further in life.

“Anyone that has internal issues or have any type of self problems that they need to work out, work [it] out now because money, fame, or success, or even getting older doesn’t really fix that sh*t,” she said.

“You need to just like do it. Do the inner work because, no matter where you are, it’s going to haunt you like a f*ucking ghost. And I’m working on it, too, but today is just not a good day. I just want everybody to know that it’s OK to not have a good day even when it seems like you should.”

Source: Blackenterprise.com

In self development November 2, 2020 By Women of Rubies

7 Types Of Emotional Vampires To Protect Yourself From

Let’s start off by saying that not all emotional vampires are bad people. Sometimes, they don’t even realize what they are doing. After reading this, you could realize that you have been an emotional vampire to someone. That is not to say that they cannot be vindictive, mean, and cruel, but it is always important to note that they are also just human, and humans are flawed and make mistakes, and that is okay.

What Are Emotional Vampires?

If you have an emotional vampire in your life, it is easy to recognize when you know what to look for. If you interact with someone who routinely makes you feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, intimidated, and depressed, you have a vampire. They are called this because they suck up the happiness inside you, like orange juice out of a carton, and then discard you when you are empty.

It’s important to understand that you will never be enough for an energy vampire.

They are trying to fill an endless chasm inside themselves, and no matter how much they try and take from you, it is never enough, because the thing they need to feel better comes from within.

What Are the Signs of an Emotional Vampire?

There are several ways to recognize things you yourself do when you’re around an emotional vampire. For example, these are the 8 things emotional vampires do:

They never take accountability for their actions, you are always the problem.
They always have to be the best.
They criticize everything.
There is always drama.
They use guilt trips.
They act like a martyr.
They play down your problems and talk about themselves and their issues.
They spout mean comments that make you uncomfortable.

How to Deal With the 9 Types of Emotional Vampires

The first thing you have to know is that you can’t control their behavior. You need to understand that and know you aren’t responsible for their actions, only your own.

The second thing you need to do is, if possible, walk away, cut out, or distance yourself from your emotional vampire. You can’t change them, you can only protect yourself.

Despite your best efforts, some vampires are unavoidable^[1], so here is a list of the types of vampires and how to protect yourself from each of them when they cross your path.

The Narcissist

This is the most dangerous of the vampires. These sorts of people don’t have empathy, and they simply don’t care about your feelings.

When dealing with a narcissist, you have to understand that they are what they are, and that is an emotionally limited person. They do not feel as much as you do. You can’t expect them to be something they are not; it will exhaust you.

Lower the boundary of what you expect from them and know your worth. Emotionally distance yourself from them, and focus on making sure your self-esteem and value come from yourself and not from pleasing them. Once you focus on pleasing yourself, the narcissist’s power over you will weaken.

The Victim

We all know the victim, someone who is constantly talking about all the bad things that has happened to them. The person that when you offer advice, they have no interest in solving their problems. Eventually, they may grow to blame you for their problems, even though they are of their own doing.

They key thing to note with this vampire is that you can’t actually help them fix their problems. Let go of the idea that you can actually help them, because you can’t, and it isn’t your responsibility or your job.

With the victim, protecting yourself is always about creating a healthy boundary. They will try and keep you in conversations, but you have to kindly but abruptly cut them off after a few minutes to avoid being sucked in to their constant negativity.

The Controller

This is the vampire that wants you to do your things its way. It wants to control how you do things, what you say, what you do, and eventually, who you are. They will comment with things that they think you should be doing and saying it’s in “your best interest.”

You may have met this one before; they will try and make subtle suggestions and encourage ways they want you to be and will leave you feeling fake. They will also invalidate all of your feelings when they aren’t suited to them.

When dealing with a controller, this is where assertiveness can come in. You can be assertive and kind at the same time. Just thank the person for their advice, but say you are doing things this way because it feels more authentic. Don’t be afraid to stand up to a controller and say “thank you but no.” They have no right to tell you how to live your life.

The Chatterbox

At some point in your life, you will have come across the chatterbox. This is a person who just constantly talks about themselves, their lives, their problems, and drama around them, and if you try and talk about yourself, the conversation swiftly comes back to them.

The chatterbox, in essence, isn’t interested in you or your feelings; you are just an audience to record and dictate their life so they feel heard, validated, and important. Unfortunately, that can leave you feeling like your relationship is one-sided, drained, unimportant, and ignored.

The best way to protect yourself from the chatterbox is direct communication. They do not respond to soft cues like attempts to change the conversation. You have to talk to them directly but politely to change the topic of conversation to something more positive.

The Drama Llama

There is no way you haven’t met the drama llama. This person will make everything into the biggest deal ever. Everything will be a problem or a thing, even something completely unnecessary, like the fact someone didn’t see them in the street and wave back.

With the drama llama, it really does depend on the context in which the llama is in your life and how the drama is affecting you. The most effective way is to not get involved or invested in their conversations. If you get caught in one, excuse yourself quickly and find a more positive person to chat with. Try to distance yourself from gossiping as well; it will help you not be drawn into the drama.

The Judge

The judge is a vampire that constantly judges other people, and no one is free from their scrutiny. They will judge everyone, and they leave you wondering what they say about you behind your back. The judger is one of the most toxic people to have around because, when they judge, they have nothing positive to say. They will leave you feeling insecure, pathetic, and even small.

With the judge, this is all on you. Just because someone is critical towards you doesn’t mean you have to care. The judge is critical for the sake of being critical; there is nothing constructive about it. So you can choose not to value what they have to say.

The judge tries to chip away at your self-worth because they are struggling with a lack of that themselves, but we know that true self-worth comes from within. Refuse to take what the judge says personally, and don’t get defensive with their comments. Keep a cool head, because if they know you feel hurt by what they said, they win.

The Critic

This person is the one who always has a critique about you or anything around them. Nothing is ever good enough, so they will always nitpick and make unnecessary, rude comments. You will start to notice that they have nothing nice to say about anyone, and their only dialogue is rude and critical. Nothing is ever good enough or even passable; it is always bad.

When dealing with the critic, you have to not take what they say personally and remember that they are just taking out their negative feelings and problems on you. Don’t get defensive. With the critic, remember you give power to what you give attention to. Don’t give their critiques attention, and always pivot the conversation to a positive alternative.

The “I Am Better Than You”

This is the person who is always trying to one up you. No matter what, they have done it bigger and better than you. This one is the most annoying to have around because their whole intention is to make you feel small. This vampire will leave you feeling insecure, small, exhausted, and anxious.

You have to understand that, with this vampire, it comes from a deep-rooted insecurity that they are not good enough. Encouraging and reassuring them doesn’t work with this vampire because they have an almost false big ego, so you will just be feeding that fake ego. They need to find validation from within.

But for you, you need to make sure that you are reassuring yourself that you are good enough. They will do their best to make you feel worthless and insecure. If you do want them to feel better, give them genuine, real compliments about their self-worth, reminding them that they are important and they matter. Just make sure you are reminding yourself of that first.

The Innocent

I always see this one as the second most dangerous vampire because you never see them coming. The innocent vampire is someone who is just a little helpless, and you just help out now and then, but it spirals out of control. Soon, they are dependent and expectant upon you to help them, and it drains you to a crisp.

The innocent is a vampire that feeds on your compassion and empathy, and they can often not see the line because you haven’t enforced it. You let them cross the line over and over again, and they had no idea they were asking too much, especially since you probably encouraged it by saying that it was no trouble.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no to helping people, especially people who have taken advantage of your hospitality. Defending against this type of vampire is drawing a line, a boundary, and enforcing it. This can be hard, but the reality is that they need to become self-sufficient, and you can encourage that all while drawing a thick line.

Source: Lifehack

In Inspiration November 2, 2020 By Women of Rubies

Esther Ijewere: 9 Powerful Ways to Be More Confident

Do you sometimes feel you are not good enough, or think your best isn’t enough? This article is for you.

Confidence — it’s a powerful word and an even more powerful feeling. Can you remember a time in your life when you felt confident? A time when you felt unstoppable… on top of the world? Now imagine you could feel that way more often. What impact would that have on your health and well-being, your career, your relationships?

Not only does being confident feel good, it helps you seize potential opportunities, take more chances and make that big change or take the next step in your life and career. Life is crazy, busy and beautiful. Figuring out how to be more confident is just part of the journey.

So how to be more confident?

Lack of confidence can stem from many places.

Perhaps, growing up, your parents said a certain career was outside your reach and you could ‘never do that’. Or maybe you have a belief system that says ‘I could never start my own business, I’m not entrepreneurial’.

Perhaps you had a bad experience which opened the door for self-doubt to creep in. Or maybe your inner self-critic is telling you ‘you can’t’ or ‘you’re not good enough’. Maybe (ok, likely) you’re comparing yourself to someone else – a friend, colleague or spouse.

Or perhaps you feel there is something missing in your life – a relationship, the dream job, kids, a degree or title.

Here are 9 powerful ways to be more confident

1. Uncover What Gives You Confidence

This is personal, so it will vary from person to person. There’s no one size fits all approach to confidence and what works for one, won’t always work for another.

How can you figure out what gives you confidence? Think about a couple times in your life when you felt most confident. Now, think about what was it about those times that made you feel so empowered.

Was it the environment you were in? Something you were doing? A feeling you had? The more you get clear about this for yourself, the easier it will be to tap into when you need it.

2. Be True to You

One of the surest ways to lose confidence is try to be someone else. One of the best ways to build your confidence? Be true to yourself

When you’re trying to be someone you’re not, every part of you resists it. You are not everyone else. You are you. And the more you can understand who you are and what you value the stronger you will be.

When you stray away from who you are, you lose confidence because it’s ‘just not you’.

How?

Think about what makes you, uniquely you. Write it down. Think about what you value and what’s important to you. Write that down, too.

3. Stop Comparing Yourself

Nothing zaps your confidence more than comparing yourself to others. Especially now, with social media and the wonderful opportunity to judge yourself against so many others! Lack of confidence comes from a gap in where you see yourself and where you think you should be.

Imagine you are preparing to give a big presentation or speech. So you do your research, which includes watching some of the best speakers in the world doing their Ted Talks. Of course you are going to feel inferior.

How?

Stop comparing yourself to others. Just stop. If you still feel a compelling need to compare – compare yourself to yourself. Measure how far you’ve come. See how much improvement you’ve made. Acknowledge your wins and successes.

4. Realize You Are Enough

This may sound a little bit corny, but try it. This positive affirmation will resonate at a deep level and have a powerful effect on your subconscious.

How?

Every day for the next 21 days repeat this mantra “I am enough.” Don’t just say it, but feel it, deeply, at the core of who you are.

Want to get more specific? Replace ‘enough’ with whatever word you’d like to ‘be’. What would give you the most confidence?

I am brave. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. I got this.

5. Acquire New Skills

Since confidence is often directly linked to abilities, one of the best ways to build your confidence is to get new skills or experience and step out of your comfort zone.

Growing your skills will in turn grow your confidence. And please, as you work on building your skills and expertise, don’t mistake a lack of perfection for a lack of ability. No one is perfect. But if you’ve got a perfectionist bone in your body (like I do), it can make you think that just because you’re not the best, that you’re not good at all.

Make sure to check yourself – am I really not good at this, or am I not good as I want to be just yet?

How?

Ask yourself: Is there a specific area where you are lacking confidence? How can you expand your expertise in this area?

6. Change Your State

Changing your physical and mental ‘state’ is one of the quickest ways to access a feeling of confidence. To do this, you need to know what the state of ‘confidence’ looks, feels and sounds like for you.

How?

Here are a few strategies you can use to access that:

Remember – Think of a specific time, associated with feeling confident. Sink into that feeling deeply and moment by moment relive every detail.
Imagine – Imagine how you would feel if you were confident. How would you act? Feel? Be?
Modelling – Think about someone you know who exudes confidence. Imagine what that person would do.

7. Find Yourself a Cheerleader

Yes, while I understand confidence is a state from within, you can also boost your confidence by the people you choose to spend your time with.

How?

Make a concerted effort to surround yourself with others who provide encouragement, positivity, and inspiration.

Spend more time with people who ‘get you’ and see all of your greatness – and less time with those that zap your confidence or cause you to feel self-doubt.

8. Just Do It

When Nike came up with this slogan in the late 80’s, they knew just how to get the general population off their butts and moving. Turns out, this is a great strategy for being more confident too.

Action builds confidence and each step you take builds it further.

How?

Think of one step you could take right now that would get you moving in the right direction. Then Just Do It and see what happens. An incredible thing about human brain is that once it realizes something is working, it will keep that momentum going!

Final Thoughts

Being more confident starts with one thing — YOU.

YOU making the decision to take action. And when all else fails, YOU can make a choice.

YOU can choose to be confident. YOU can choose confidence over fear and self-doubt.

Your mind believes what you tell it. If you continue to tell yourself the story that you are not confident, you will believe it and your self-doubt will continue. But if you tell yourself you can do it, that you got this, your mind will believe that too.

Remember, fostering a strong sense of confidence is critical to experiencing overall levels of health, happiness and success.

And once you get started you’ll be unstoppable. Be brave. Be confident. You got this.

In Inspiration November 2, 2020 By Women of Rubies

Yewande Jinadu: Going The Extra Mile At the Work Place Can Be Your Saving Grace

Tayo is an accountant who manages the payable and receivable functions of her workplace. When she started her career, her main career goal was to become a renowned CFO and thought-leader in the financial sector. She’s been with the organization for over 7 years on the same role. She approached me and complained about how she hasn’t progressed toward her goal in 7 years. I probed some more, but didn’t find anything tangible.

Coincidentally, I happened to know her line manager, and decided to ask about his individual team members and opinions about them. One thing that stood out from what he said: “Tayo does her job well but sticks only to her job description. When you give her something else that may push her to higher task, she complains that it is not her job description and she would rather stick to only what she knows.”

He also went further to say, “How will I help her grow in the finance space if she’s so rigid? I’ll rather pack the challenging work to someone else and leave her in her comfort zone.” I thought about this deeply and realized I’ve actually met people like that in the past. Outwardly, they sound like people who want to grow, but when they’re at work, they’re the ones filled with unnecessary complaints. Line managers notice it and avoid getting into any trouble with these people. They’ll rather smile with them and leave them in their rigid place. People join, learn more than them and eventually move on.

There are a lot of Tayos in the workplace and they are wondering why their mates are soaring and earning way higher while they are on a poor salary scale despite going to the same school and even having a higher GPA. As a career professional willing to grow, don’t get stuck with the mentality that everyone just wants to ‘use’ you. Sometimes, the exposure you get from these experiences will catapult you towards something greater.

I once had a team lead who used to pass flimsy work to me. That was when I just started my career. Within me, I’d grumble about how unnecessary tasks were being added to mine. Yet, I would do them without complaining or giving attitude. One day, I jokingly asked him why he gives me such tasks. He told me he’s deliberately doing it so that I can learn the ‘basics’.

Always learn to ask for feedback from your supervisor, at least every quarter. This will help you know how you need to get better. Let your team members and team lead see the burning passion in you to learn.

Go the extra mile and even if you’re not sure you can do it, take it, use Google, and then ask for help during the process. You’re building yourself. Learning to go the extra mile will definitely pay off for you in the long run.

I hope you have learned from Tayo’s story. I wish you the best in your career.

***

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

In self development November 2, 2020 By Women of Rubies

9 Ways To Deal With An Emotionally Unstable Partner

When you fall in love, you think that your partner – and your relationship – is perfect, right? The idea that one of you could be emotionally unstable is the farthest thing from your mind. After all, being in love causes your brain to release all sorts of feel-good chemicals that make you feel like you’re on Cloud 9. In fact, when scanned, a person’s brain who is in love looks a lot like a person’s brain who is on cocaine. So, you really are feeling “high” when you’re in love!

However, as most of us know, that feeling of being in Heaven with your new love wears off after a while. Your brain eventually stops creating as many feel-good chemicals, and you slowly start returning back to normal.

In reality, this phase of love doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s just a fact of life.

While some people do go on to live happily ever after, others begin to realize that their supposedly “perfect partner” is not so perfect anymore. In fact, some even come to the realization that their partner is downright emotionally unstable.

Uh-oh. What do you do when that happens? It’s almost unbelievable – literally. How did this person turn into someone you hardly even recognize?

The problem is that you probably still love the person. And if that’s true, how do you deal with your emotionally unstable partner?

Before we discuss how to deal with them, let’s first start by talking about how to recognize the symptoms of an emotionally unstable individual.

Symptoms of Being Emotionally Unstable

All of us have our bad days and our mood swings – it’s just the nature of being human. But how do you know when someone has crossed over the line from having just normal, everyday emotions to being downright emotionally unstable? Here are some of the signs.

Angry Outbursts

Everyone gets angry at times. It’s a normal and natural occurrence for every human being. However, how you express your anger is key to healthy relationships. So, if your partner seems to have outbursts of anger for no apparent reason (or over small things), then that is a sign.

Overly Dramatic

Again, we all have things happen in our lives that we don’t like. But a lot of people just deal with it, try to change things, and move on with their lives. An unstable person, however, will turn their life into unending drama when they don’t need to.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting^[1] is psychologically manipulating another person into questioning their own sanity. For example, if they told you they would do something, they will deny ever saying it when you bring it up. Then, you wonder if they really said it or if you just imagined it. But that is just one example.

Mood Swings

It’s normal for people’s moods to change. No one can be happy 100% of the time, right? But for most, the change in mood is relatively minor. It’s usually dependent on something outside of themselves. But an unstable person could have extreme mood swings for no good reason.

Inappropriate Anger

When most people get angry, it’s usually at someone who is close to them. That makes sense, because those are the people with whom we spend the most time. But if your partner frequently yells at a server in a restaurant or other random people, then that is not healthy.

Lack of Empathy

Empathy is the ability to feel what another person feels and to see things from their perspective – not just your own. Emotionally unstable people are generally unable to do this. They only see their own side of a situation.

Tries to “One up” You

They always seem to be in a power struggle with you. For example, if you had a bad day, they will tell you how theirs was worse. Or, if you are having an argument, they will always try to gain the power to “win” and make you lose.

Inability to Admit When They Are Wrong

Emotionally unstable people can’t admit when they are wrong. In fact, admitting they are wrong is a threat to their psychological well-being. It shakes the core of themselves and their self-identity. So, they will never admit “defeat,” even if they secretly know they are wrong.

Sense of Entitlement

They think they deserve everything, and nothing needs to be earned. For example, they demand that you do things for them because they think it’s their right to do so.

Dealing With Problems Irrationally

The best way to deal with problems in relationships is to have both people on the same team, and for them to come up with a mutual solution. However, emotionally unstable people are unable to do this because they only look at things emotionally, not logically.

Too Intense

The intensity with which they express their emotions is extreme. They don’t tend to be moderate in any of their interactions. This may generate a feeling of walking on eggshells around them because you are afraid of their intense communication.

Blaming Others

Unstable people don’t ever look in the mirror and take personal responsibility for their actions. Instead, they always point fingers at other people and blame them for everything that is wrong in their lives.

How to Deal With an Emotionally Unstable Partner

Now that we know some of the signs and symptoms of an emotionally unstable person, here are some things you can do to deal with them.

1. Step Back and Observe

Ask yourself if you did anything wrong. Because they tend to gaslight other people (see above), emotionally unstable people have you question your actions and sanity. Be objective, and observe them and yourself. Did you really do anything wrong? Probably not.

2. Get Other People’s Perspectives

Tell your stories to trusted loved ones. Tell them what happens in your interactions, and get their opinion about whether or not your partner is overacting, or if you actually did something wrong. Someone on the outside will likely have a clearer view of what’s going on.

3. Don’t Play Into Their Drama

As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” In other words, someone can’t play a game by themselves. They need another person to participate. But don’t give into their drama. Refuse to engage in it and walk away.

4. Walk Away When They Attack You

If and when they verbally, mentally, or emotionally attack you, just leave the conversation. Don’t allow them to do that to you! Demand that they talk to you nicely, and don’t accept anything less than that. If they can’t give you respect, then end the conversation until they can.

5. Demand Respect

Remind them that how they are speaking to you is unacceptable. One very important thing to remember is this: you teach people how to treat you. Demand that they treat you with respect^[2].

6. Stay Calm

Don’t get sucked into their emotional storms. It’s easy to do because you want to defend yourself, but this just plays into their drama. Try to stay calm and rational because that’s the only way people can talk in a healthy manner.

7. Don’t Fall for Gaslighting

When they try to gaslight you, refuse to accept it. Take notes on things that they tell you and what they do, so you have a record. When they try to deny things to make you look crazy, pull out your record and show them the truth.

8. Suggest Therapy

Many times, an emotionally unstable person cannot get better on their own. Going to a trained therapist or psychologist is something that they should probably do – both on their own, and perhaps as a couple as well.

9. If All Else Fails, End the Relationship

Unfortunately, not all relationships can survive – even under the best of circumstances. If you have tried all you can to fix your relationship and make it healthy with someone who is emotionally unstable, sometimes it’s just time to end the relationship and find someone else that you are more compatible with.

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship with an emotionally unstable person is never easy. You feel like you never know how they are going to act or what they’ll say next. But that’s no way to live. Everyone deserves to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Don’t forget to love yourself enough to put yourself and your happiness first!